


Find Me

by CanteculLuiA



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abduction, Alternate Universe - Bakery, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Angry Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Bakery and Coffee Shop, Banter, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Bonding, Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Drama, Finn and Rey (Star Wars) Are Related, First Time, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Food Porn, Food as a Metaphor for Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gentle Kissing, Gentle Sex, Jealous Ben, Jealous Kylo Ren, Jealous Rey (Star Wars), Jealousy, Kidnapping, Loss of Identity, Loss of Innocence, Loss of Virginity, Loving Marriage, Marriage, Married Couple, Miscarriage, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Rey (Star Wars), Parenthood, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Ben Solo, References to Depression, Rey & Rose Tico Friendship, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Romantic Gestures, Secret Children, Sexual Tension, Suburbia, Teasing, Teen Crush, Temporary Amnesia, Thirsty Rey (Star Wars), Unplanned Pregnancy, Virgin Ben Solo, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), Woman on Top, ch30/31/32 are the epilogue, from ch33 and perhaps later it’s the sequel, star wars meets gone girl/pll/desperate housewives, the story ends with ch29
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2020-11-07 19:54:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 195,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20822897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanteculLuiA/pseuds/CanteculLuiA
Summary: The last time she saw him, he was a weird vaguely shy young man in his 20s wearing an unflattering large sky blue sweatshirt. Now, with his much longer hair covering his big ears, the stubble, dark gaze and long black winter coat, he was being called her ‘husband’ even though she didn’t remember him like that. Yet, his presence made her mind hurt and her heart pound. Maybe she couldn’t remember him, but her body did and it both feared him and desired him.





	1. Lost Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this fan fic was inspired by the Kings of Leon's song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOQ7rolBbq8)

The lake was frozen on the surface, but not enough for the ice to sustain a human body, especially not the one of an adult, no matter how skinny she was. There were no signs of anyone having even set foot there ever since the first blizzard in November having blocked most routes, especially those leading to the lake. But winter has always been like a sneaky fox, covering its tracks... or other’s tracks. And however pointless it was to even be there, that was the only place where the police had not checked for the missing girl. Indeed, there was little to no chance of finding footprints or any signs of her maybe already drowned body, or at least not yet, but maybe… just maybe that fluttering red wool scarf caught in the fir tree he was standing under was the same one she was wearing in her last selfie with her husband, the one taken at the winter fair right before she disappeared.

***

Police officer Skywalker returned to the lake every day throughout those three years since the young lady vanished. That day seemed to not be any different than any of those before. He stopped under the fir tree where they’d found the scarf with the bloodstains and hair. Poor thing. Drowning was already a cruel theory, but with the blood on the scarf, a much crueller fate was presumed.

He sighed and continued walking. The lake was as frozen as it was that December. The ice was probably as thin and deadly. He looked up at the crow just landing on a tree branch. The echo of its caw was breaking the morbid silence. The irony was that that place seemed like a tomb anyways. A cold tomb forgotten by time and people. 

“Help me…”

And now it appeared to be also haunted by ghosts. He inhaled the cold air feeling his nostrils freezing, then exhaled watching the steamy cloud and imagining a breath of life that would metamorphose and take her shape.

“Help me…”

He shook his head. The cold was already freezing the circuits of his damaged brain. He was no longer imagining a cry for help, but also seeing the shape of a young woman by the lake. She reminded him of a snow queen or even a banshee with only her brown hair and dark eyes standing out in that sea of blinding whiteness. 

“I-I-I cold…”

He tilted his head and furrowed. He took one step further and then another, watching the figure grow bigger as he was getting closer and closer. He stopped a couple of steps away from her. She was sitting on the pier hugging her knees, her image reflecting in a small portion of water where there was no ice or at least the layer was thinner and also not covered by snow. Once she lifted her head and turned her lost gaze to him, he noticed her frozen tears and purplish lips.

Skywalker closed his eyes. His obsession for that girl needed to come to an end.

“Please… cold…”

The voice was barely audible at that point, but he managed to recognize it from the home videos. Could ghosts ask for help or instead of a question with a certain religious undertone it was more a matter of his own degrading mental health?

“Ple-ase, sir…”

He looked at her hand. The voice didn’t seem ethereal. Maybe she was a strigoi or a messenger of death, but he was already old and tired, too consumed by the disappearance of that girl. So he took off his glove and touched her hand. It felt like death indeed, but it was very much alive and clinging to the warmth of his palm.

“Oh my… You’re not a ghost!”

***

The ambulance was slowed down by the snow blocking the roads, especially the one to the lake, so Skywalker had to carry the girl in his arms to the closest establishment. But now she was being attended by doctors and the police were roaming around investigating the place as if it were anything to investigate. He stood farther and waited patiently to see _ his _car. He knew that the boy was not particularly his biggest fan, but he was not that much of an idiot to ignore his text. Especially not after finally finding her. 

He looked at the girl again from the distance and checked on her. She still had that lost look in her eyes and it was to be expected, but she seemed to be fine physically. The doctors mentioned that she had not been out there in the snow for too long, but she had been wearing only a sheer white dress and she had been soaking wet as if she’d just come out of the lake. It was something impossible, but still… No! He would not waste any more energy on stupid theories. He had to wait for her to recover and answer all the questions when she was finally ready. He got closer and listened to the murmurs, despite being still quite far away from the group, as he did not want to seem too invasive, though he truly was because he was close enough to use his cop ears to listen to some important information.

Whisper, whisper and… Oh my!

He ceased eavesdropping once he noticed the headlights of a car pulling over. He looked at the girl once more and then ran to the taxi, stopping only a few steps away from it to wait until the man finally got out of it. His face had matured a lot in the past years she had been away. His face was pale and his eyes were empty, soulless as if he were the one to return from the dead and in the process of being pushed back into society for recovering.

“Look...” the younger man was barely breathing. Yet, he managed to speak slowly yet menacing. “If this is another one of your stupid games and you opened up this wound just to fuck with me, I swear I will no longer hold it back and I will ignore every promise I made, your age and your relationship with-”

“I found her.”

The younger man made a pause, holding his breath with his eyes closed, then inhaled and exhaled loudly and opened his eyes.

“Where is the corpse?”

Skywalker shook his head.

“No, Ben.”

He grabbed his shoulders establishing that he was in control, despite the significant height difference.

“She’s alive. She’s here.”

He took a step to the right, no longer blocking Ben’s view. The younger man looked at the ambulance. He squinted his eyes barely noticing anything. The headaches following the stress caused by his wife’s disappearance had led to his eyesight becoming poorer and poorer - or so was he told by his ophthalmologist four months after her disappearance.

“It… can’t… It’s not her.”

“It’s her.”

Ben made a step unconsciously and the language of his body announced his uncle that he was about to run to the ambulance. The older man grabbed him by the arm immediately and pulled him back.

“Wait. There’s one more thing you must know.”

He didn’t even turn his head to look him in the eye. He was too busy trying to distinguish her shape among all the other figures in white, the white snow and the white ambulance. His vision was a mess, but that was the least of his problems.

“She seems to not remember much.”

“Her disappearance?”

Skywalker shook his head despite Ben’s gaze being directed somewhere else.

“The past six years.”

Ben finally turned to look at him.

“Ben, Rey doesn’t remember you.”


	2. Marcas de Ayer

“That’s your husband,” the nurse told her.

The last time she saw him, he was a weird vaguely shy young man in his 20s wearing an unflattering large sky blue sweatshirt. Actually, he had been like that since the first time they met, when she was only twelve years old and spent most of her time cooking with her auntie Maz. His mother had ordered a large batch of cookies for one of her tea parties. She was busy filling the moist pumpkin cookies with walnut cream cheese frosting when he entered the large rustic kitchen wearing part of his kendo attire.

“I’ve heard you’ve finally decided to go to college and stop wasting your time with that handsome father of yours and my hairy boyfriend.”

Rey looked at auntie Maz packing the glazed apple cookies and the salted caramel chocolate chip ones. Behind her huge round glasses and the funky turbans and orange floral dress, she was a Komodo dragon. The boy ignored the remark and took the boxes, squeezing them in his gym bag.

Maz gasped appalled.

“Wait! I’ll bring you a decent bag, you silly boy. You’re going to crumble them in that bag of yours and I don’t want your mom to accuse me of selling her dirty sock flavoured cookies.”

He ignored her remark again and just pulled the boxes out, putting them back on the counter. He stood there all silent until she giggled. He bit his lip and then suddenly looked at her.

“Do you have anything with peaches?”

Her heart skipped a beat.

She shook her head.

“Nnno? It’s too late for them. There are no more peaches.”

He pouted.

“They’re my favourite.”

She lifted her head letting her own turban fall off her head and smiled.

“Mine too! Auntie Maz has some canned peaches and she sometimes uses them for brownies coated in chocolate fudge and coconut flakes. They’re delicious.”

Ben smiled back.

“Maybe you’ll bring me some next time she makes those delicious brownies.”

She nodded reading too much into his words.

“I promise.”

He said nothing and she minded her spices. Ben eventually bit his lip again and came closer to her.

“Whatcha doin’ there?”

She had finished filling the pumpkin cookies and was stirring the sauteed minced apples and pears with cinnamon. 

“I must make sure the fruit filling is at the right temperature and it doesn’t get dry before filling the dough.”

“Can’t you just mix everything together?”

She squinted her eyes and gave him an amused smile.

“The sugar would get at the bottom and it would harden and get slightly bitter, whereas the rest of the cookies would get dry. Wanna taste?” 

She grabbed some filling with her spoon and fed it to him. He accepted it without a question, tasting the sweet sauce. He closed his eyes and licked his lips like Maz’s ancient cat used to do when eating goodies. Except this time she was not amused, his satisfied smile making her heart grow bigger. And at that moment she knew she had a crush on him.

Unfortunately for her poor heart, once he left for college and Finn began delivering the orders himself, they never met again, or at least not for many years. So many that she almost forgot about him once her broken heart healed.

When she saw him again, wearing that sky blue sweatshirt, she was hanging out with her adopted brother Finn and his best friend Poe. They were sitting at a table, waiting for their order. It was rather late and that was the only restaurant with tables outside, which allowed them to sit there with Poe’s dog, Bartholomeus Barnard the Eight - or BB8 for those less interested in Poe’s passion for history. The cold breeze was so pleasant, especially after that long hot summer, and she loved feeling it cooling her sunkissed nose and cheeks and her slightly burned shoulders. 

She saw Ben pass by when the waitress brought them Poe’s pizza, Finn’s french fries with caramelized onions and her jalapeno mozzarella sticks. He seemed familiar back then, but as her job consisted of baking goodies for the entire town, she had probably seen him before and didn’t care about his identity. However, it was Poe who stood up and waved at him.

“Hey, Solo!”

He turned to look at him and seemed to take his time to recognize him.

“Who’s that?” Finn whispered.

“I work for his mom. Hey, Solo! Come sit with us!”

She had hoped he would refuse, but surprisingly when the young man only vanished from her sight to reappear next to their table. He shook hands with Poe rather awkwardly and then said ‘hi’ to Finn and her. She didn’t utter anything back and ignored him the entire evening, pretending that she was just busy savouring the overcooked jalapeno mozzarella sticks and the sweet and sour dip sauce.

She lifted her eyes from her plate only when Finn left to go to the restroom and Poe to pay the check. She wasn’t expecting him to be looking at her insistently with those dark eyes. He parted his lips to make way for his tongue. He licked his lips and then he finally spoke to her:

“So… are you ever going to give me some of those brownies coated in chocolate fudge and coconut flakes or do I have to wait six more years?”

And that was all. She could remember all those small details she gave almost to no attention back then, yet she could not remember anything that followed - or even him - after that meeting. Now, with his much longer hair covering his big ears, the stubble, dark gaze and long black winter coat, he was being called her ‘husband’.

He approached her and she looked at him as he was trying to get a grip of himself with each step. She tried thinking of any possible topics of conversation, but she was stuck. The cold, the wet dress, her fuzzy memory and overall mind were making her a mess. She was not sure what the doctors had been pumping inside her veins, but maybe it was safe to assume that that liquid was responsible for her absurd state of calmness.

Ben stood in front of her and exhaled loudly, creating a cloud. He looked so different, yet the same.

“Hey...” she whispered.

“Hey...” he said back out of inertia.

He was so tall and… wide.

“I’ve heard you’re my husband.”

He nodded. That’s all? No… nothing? He was the one with the privilege of having his memories intact. She blinked slowly, her eyes burning from the cold air.

“You really wanted those brownies that much?”

He chuckled, but she could notice the emotion he was trying so hard to hide. She could only feel sorry for not understanding it, the tears in his eyes and the trembling bottom lip.

“Look…” he cleared his throat. “They have to take you to the hospital for more investigations, but we’ll talk later. Ok?”

She blinked again barely capable of opening her eyes again or her mouth.

“Promise,” she uttered.

Ben seemed to recognise her reference as his face lightened up. She flinched at the sudden change of mood. His presence was making her mind hurt and her heart pound. Maybe she couldn’t remember him as her life partner, but her body seemed to do so and it both feared him and desired him.

But for now, she had to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title refers to Adriana Mezzadri's song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hQoGQHvQ1s)


	3. For Now I Am...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so touched by the feedback that I've ended up writing this chapter and not getting any sleep just to thank you for your support!

“So?”

Ben kept looking at his wife as she was being examined by doctors. He saw her eyelids twitch, meaning that she was either awake and pretending to be asleep or soon to awaken. She was thinner and had a couple of bruises here and there, but nothing that wouldn’t go away after a few weeks or so.

His uncle put his warm fatherly hand on his shoulder and he tried his best to not brush it off. He hated the unintentional dominance of that gesture.

“There are no signs of sexual assault and she seems to not have any head injuries,” Luke assured him.

Ben touched his front teeth with the tip of the tongue listening patiently and pondering the man’s words.

“Her memory?”

“Some shock must have made her mind regress. However, the doctors believe that she will recover her memories gradually.”

_ I hope so. _

She even looked like she did when she was around eighteen years old and it wasn’t just the lack of makeup, the long hair and lighter colour. It was her face. She was so innocent and sweet. So genuinely calm.

“She might need some therapy session to cope with this… with everything actually.”

Ben looked at Luke the sudden movement making his head hurt.

“Did they find any traces of drugs in her body?”

“Some sedatives. _ Illegal _sedatives. Why?”

He sighed and looked at her opening her eyes and getting checked by the nurse. She had a faint smile and kind eyes. Ben shook his head in disbelief.

“She’s… she’s just too calm for someone in her situation. Did she say anything to you?”

Luke shrugged.

“I told her I would call you, her husband, and she mentioned her aunt, her brother and that she’s not married. The doctors on the ambulance and I tried again when she was less frozen like an icicle and she asked again about her family… err… other family and told us that she knows no Ben Solo.”

Ben raised an eyebrow, but… oh yeah. It made sense.

“She recognized me when she saw me, but indeed not as her husband. She seemed to remember me from the first time we met. She did not know my name back then.”

He made a pause and cleared his throat.

“Luke, we had so many theories and I can still not figure out what happened. Where has she been? What happened to her?”

Luke took a sip of coffee, but Ben knew that the silver flask most likely had more alcohol than caffeine in it. They both had different ways of coping with Rey’s disappearance. 

“I know what you’re thinking about, boy. But out of all the possibilities we’ve discussed, I do believe she’d been kidnapped and held hostage. This or she’d been on the run with a violent lover.”

Ben turned his head quickly to give him a deadly stare. But Luke was no man to be fooled or easily impressed, especially not by his naughty nephew. The young man was still hurt and his wound was bleeding.

“You’ve said-”

“I know. But she does have bruises and marks on her wrists. It also seems that one of her ankles presents fractures, bruises and scars specific to people who have been shackled for a longer period of time. No one has ever asked for money, her organs are in place, so… but who knows?”

“Maybe she ran away on her own? To escape me and our life as a couple.”

“Or maybe she’s into kinky sex?”

Bad joke. Ben was not amused.

Luke coughed and his nephew sighed again, looking once more time at his wife. His current state of mind was probably as messed up like hers, but he was still sane enough to acknowledge that whereas the Rey in that hospital bed was very much like the one he had married, she was nothing like the one he had been married to before her disappearance.

He took a step back and patted Luke on the back.

“I must go now.”

“What if she asks about Maz and Finn again?”

“Well, firstly, tell her that we’re living in another town. Secondly, I… well… I don’t know. Call me if she asks for me or if she needs something.”

Luke looked at Ben leaving and he knew that his broken heart was falling apart in pieces. He looked at Rey - and nothing and no one could help him for now.

***

Rey finished buttoning up her periwinkle linen shirt. It was a new one according to the tag. A new and very expensive one the price of their monthly expenses. She shook her head and tried to not think of the price and put on the cardigan and then sat on the bed to tie the laces of her new boots. Actually… these ones were not new, as the soles were visibly used, but they were new for her. Everything was. Especially her slightly more mature face and her husband.

“Is… is my husband going to come to pick me up?”

The nurse shrugged. 

“He’s at work.”

Rey flinched startled and quickly turned around to meet her saviour.

“He gave me the clothes and the key. I’ll drop you off.”

The man was wearing a worn-out parka and a wool hat. His nose and cheeks were reddish and something inside told her that it was not from the cold outside. She had been raised among many lost souls from the system and even some of those taken in by auntie Maz ended up on the wrong path.

Oh yeah!

“Have you managed to get in touch with my family?”

Officer Skywalker raised a brow.

“You mean your husband I’ve just mentioned?”

She looked down at her feet for a moment. Right. Her husband was her new family.

“I mean my aunt and adopted brother?”

The older man shrugged with his hands still in his huge pockets. She sighed. She needed to get out of there and not ask any more questions and waste time. She grabbed the gym bag where her clothes had been in and the parka and got out of the room waving goodbye to the nurse. She followed the police officer to the front desk and waited for him to sign some papers. She had to sign some herself, but by the looks the lady and the man gave to each other, her signature was probably not the right one or at least it was maybe a little bit outdated. After all, she was probably a Solo or something like that and no longer a Kanata. 

She put her parka on while the man put her bag in the trunk and waited for him to get in the car. He said nothing for a long while. Indeed, the road seemed quite dangerous with all that snow and he had to pay attention solely to the road, but it was still very awkward. No music either. She used her sleeve to wipe the window and tried distinguishing anything outside that wasn’t snow. Trees. Many many trees and some luxurious villas. She furrowed.

“Where are we?”

“We still have a few miles left.”

She shook her head agitated.

“No. I mean _ where _are we? This isn’t my town.”

Luke snorted and grabbed a map from the space between the handbrake and his chair, then threw it in her lap. She unfolded the map and looked confused at all the marks and notes.

“The blue circle is where you grew up and met my nephew. We are now in the yellow circle.”

_ Hmmm… _she thought. She wasn’t that far away from her family and home. There were about 120 miles. Because of the country roads, it could take more than a couple of hours to get there, but it was not impossible to do so. Of course, the snow was also a huge impediment for the moment, but not enough to keep her there in case she wanted… or needed to leave.

“Why are we here though? Didn’t Ben’s mom live in a fancy neighbourhood close to mine?”

Luke scratched the back of his neck. He had been investigating that poor girl’s life for so long that it would have been the biggest waste of energy to even pretend to not know anything about her.

“After my sister died, Ben sold the house and you decided together to start anew here. Ben kept his promise to keep in touch with me and you wanted to live in a place with more variety in terms of weather.”

The way he said it gave her the first impression that things were ok, but they were not. Maybe she couldn’t remember Ben as her husband, but as her unrequited teen love, she felt a deep sadness. His mother died and then she vanished as she was told. No wonder there was almost no trace of the boy she had last seen.

“Here we are!”

She folded the map clumsily and put it back from where she’d seen him take it and tried to make sense of out was outside. Auntie Maz’s house was rather big as she needed many bedrooms for the foster kids, a large kitchen for her business and an even bigger yard for her animals and some of the parties she used to throw. According to her fuzzy mind, she had seen the old woman only maybe a couple of hours before the officer found her by the lake, yet her heart seemed to know that it must have been years.

She looked at her more mature hands. Maybe she should wait and not cause her a heart attack. 

“Don’t be scared. You’re going to be safe inside.”

She bit the inside of her lip.

“Wasn’t I supposed to be before?”

Luke’s smile faded away. He cleared his throat at caressed her head.

“Look, I would tell you more, but that stubborn nephew of mine told me to leave you alone.”

Rey snorted.

“And if I am the one asking you to tell me everything?”

Luke smiled again, but it was a rather sad smile.

“Maybe later. These past days have been already too damn messy.”

Rey said nothing else and got out of the car, following Luke. She was so concentrated on keeping her mouth shut and her worries from overwhelming her that only later did she notice her new home. She let out a loud gasp at the sight of the rustic modern house. Was that house truly hers?

She heard a loud beep and the door getting unlocked and ran after Luke. Inside it was warm and cosy. A little bit dark from all the Brazilian peroba wood and solid American black walnut furniture though. …Wait! How did she know all those things? What even was a peroba?

“Ben told me that he will bring some food when he comes home, but in case you’re hungry, you can order some. You have a flyer and some money on the kitchen counter.”

He stopped talking once he realized that she was not paying attention in the first place. She was busy admiring the furniture, the huge round mirror, the paintings inspired by Gustav Klimt’s style, the large silver vases holding white and pink orchids.

_ Orchids _? Luke chuckled. No matter how detached Ben was trying to seem, he actually decorated the house with orchids after three years of having no living plant in that house. 

His eyes followed Rey touching the railing and then running upstairs. She most likely needed her space, so he stood there and waited for her.

A buzz?

<<How is she?>>

The very detached Ben Solo.

<<Fine. Curious.>>

He pressed his finger on the paper plane and waited.

<<Maz?>>

<<Yeah.>>

<<I’ll talk to her.>>

_ Hmm… ok then. _

Another buzz.

<<Thanks for everything.>>

_ Well, well. _

He replied with one of those cute emojis and shoved the phone back into his pocket.

“Rey!” he called. “If you don’t need me anymore, I should go back to the station to help those poor unfortunate souls with your case.”

No reply, but his cop ears caught the steps of the little ballerina.

“Wait, mister Luke!”

He rolled his eyes amused.

“Do I have a phone or something? I mean to order food and call you in case I need you.”

He shrugged and went to what seemed to be the kitchen. Rey followed him, but mostly because she was curious about the kitchen.

“Wow.”

“Ok, now I’m sure you won’t get bored until Ben comes back home,” he chuckled then he gave her the phone charging next to the weird looking coffee machine. “Your old phone is still at the station, but this one is charged, our numbers are here saved with our names aaand” he threw her a small remote control “you have here the remote for the alarm system. All you need is to press the red button to lock and set the alarm and the blue button to not have the security team come beat up your pizza delivery boy.”

Rey smiled at the joke. Good. She was feeling safe enough to not pay attention to his car hiding far enough to not stand out and close enough to check on her. Because he did not spend his past three years trying to find her just to leave her all by herself. No. He was not his nephew.

Rey waited until Luke got into the car, then she closed the door, locked it and set the alarm. Her body was still weird from the medication from the hospital, so she did not feel any hunger yet, so she took her time to explore more of the house. It had three large bedroom, a studio, the beautiful living room, the impressive and very equipped kitchen, three bathroom - one for the master bedroom, one for the others and one downstairs, a locked garage, a study with broken door that couldn’t be opened enough to get inside, two pantries, a huge walk-in closet, a locked attic, a locked cellar, and an empty greenhouse turned into a rather filthy terrace. It was not as big as the houses she had seen on her way there, but it was so much more than she could have imagined. 

The master bedroom had a king-sized bed, two nightstands with lamps, a large chandelier, an even larger chest of drawers and a huge flat-screen TV. She sat on the bed trying to figure out whether it would trigger any memories, but she felt nothing except for comfort from having her body on such a comfortable mattress and soft duvet. She bent over to check the nightstand. It had a watch, a vintage alarm clock, a fancy lamp and a thick book by James Patterson. She pulled open a drawer. Oh, the pillow had his scent impregnated and it was so delicious that she could barely pay attention to her findings. Some tiny boxes, a notebook, some chargers and box of cond…

She closed back the drawer with her cheeks burning red and went to the chest of drawers. Mostly men clothes. Ben’s clothes. They… smelled nice too. They smelled like him. But how did she even know his smell?

She exhaled loudly and ran into the walk-in closet. The sensor turned on the lights immediately and she began investigating. Finally, something that belonged to her - half of the items there were actually hers. She seemed to own some coats for any type of weather, many pretty shirts and blouses, trousers, skirts, fancy dresses. They were all so beautiful, so obviously expensive, but not really… hers. They were too elegant and too stiff… and too sexy. And all those high heeled sandals and stilettos and pumps? She could barely walk barefoot without tripping over her own feet. She opened a drawer and found lingerie. At last some normal items! Normal cotton bras and undies and socks and… was that… what was that? And…? Why was that lingerie made solely of see-through lace? What was even the point of wearing such thing? And the stockings?

_ Breathe, Rey! Breeeaaathe... _

She sighed exasperated by her own new old persona and went back downstairs in the kitchen. She sat at the table thinking about the wave… no! The tsunami of brand new information, when she saw the phone next to the fruit bowl. Where were the buttons? Phones had buttons, but this one was just a giant screen. She pressed her finger on the screen until it finally showed a photo of her and Ben. Wow… she was so pretty there and they looked so happy and good together. She touched the screen again something moved. 

_ Ooook? _

So it took commands pretty much like one with buttons, except the buttons were actually not there. She pressed the green icon showing an old school phone and watched it pop up a list. She clumsily went through the list, but except for three numbers belonging to Ben, one belonging to Luke and other ones being basic emergency numbers, there were none left.

_ Hmmm… _But phone books and lists were for the weak. She pressed on the tiny word that would pop up the number pad. She wrote the phone number and pressed the green icon.

“The number you have dialled cannot be reached.”

Darn it!

Another one.

This one was ringing. One ring, two rings, three, four…

“Hello?”

She gasped excitedly.

“Helloooo?”

She felt her eyes getting watery.

“Finn?”

“Yours truly. Who’s this?”

He didn’t even recognize his own sister?

“Finn, it’s me, dummy. It’s your peanut.”

He said nothing.

“Finn, please. I was found by mister Skywalker by a lake and I’m in some other town 120 miles from ours, in a house where I don’t belong, but they say it is my house and that I’m married and I-”

“You are a sick person.”

_ What? _

She wiped off a tear.

“Finn, what do you mean?”

“I am soooo done with you people calling me for your stupid shit. It’s been three years, so you better find a better prank, one that is not disgusting.”

She stood up and began walking in circles.

“Finn, it’s really me! I’ve been trying to call auntie Maz too, but-”

“Ha! There you go! The real Rey would know that Maz has been dead for six years. Now please go to hell before I give your name to the cops and report you for harassment!”

The call ended abruptly.

Finn didn’t recognize her.

Finn thought she was someone prank calling him. 

Finn said that Maz… that Maz was dead.

Her auntie?

A loud sob escaped her chest and tears flooded her face. She knew that or was supposed to know that, but she couldn’t remember it. She had no idea how or when. Did it happen all of a sudden? Was she even by her side? Did she even dress Maz in her favourite dress and put on her favourite turban? What even happened to the house and animals?

What was going on and why was she a stranger in her own home?

“Rey?”

She turned around startled to meet Ben sitting in the middle of the kitchen. He looked at her red face, the snog and tears and then at the phone.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

“So you’ve found out about Maz.”

“How did it happen?” she ran to him. “When?”

He did not respond immediately as he was busy taking off his winter coat, wool scarf and wet boots. After he finished undressing, he took the grocery bags and walked past her, putting them on the counter. As Rey was waiting impatiently, he began unpacking the groceries making her angrier with his calmness and lack of empathy.

“Well?”

“Look,” he said pulling out some leek, “it’s been six years and you’ve already been through this before. She fell sick one day and then she went back to overworking herself until she suffered a heart attack.”

He handed her a paper towel and she wiped her nose and tears.

“And the house and animals?”

“You took care of them for a while and after some time you and Finn sold everything. We used your half and my inheritance to buy this house and our business.”

He finally looked at her and found her confused and completely lost.

“I would have preferred approaching this topic later and with more delicacy, but you had to rush things.”

“I…”

“Look, I get it. It’s difficult for me after being pretty much a widower for three years and I do know it is as difficult for you or even worse because you can only be either an amnesiac or remember whatever fucked up things you’ve been through. I’m sorry for being such a shitty husband or whatever you see me as, but I really don’t know what to do right now. I literally don’t know how to react and behave around you. And all I want rig-”

Ben stopped from his rant once Rey threw her arms around his neck and hugged him desperately. She tried imagining the boy she fell in love with when she was a kid, but it was too difficult when the man in her arms was so manly and hot despite his still cold neck and chin. There was a battle inside her, one that she would have preferred to avoid for a while as it was too soon for her to feel those things. But she couldn’t help her heart from beating like than, nor her body from longing after his heat. Now if only she could figure out whether the fear tearing her insides had to do with him being pretty much a stranger or with something else she could not remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to Ólafur Arnalds' song ''For Now I am Winter'' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cOr7JmcOas)


	4. ...Winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just continuing the previous chapter

Rey stretched her arms and legs, pushing the heavy thick wool duvet off her. The sun was shining through the large window making the room seem so cosy and bright like the first time she woke up in Maz’s house. Oh, Maz… She didn’t want to think about it, so she turned over, lying on her stomach and hugged the pillow. It smelled so nice like orange blossom and Christmas. She furrowed with her eyes still closed. She didn’t even know for sure the date. It was obviously winter, but the month and day were a mystery to her. Everything was a mystery to her.

She inhaled the orange blossom once more and exhaled exhausted. The previous day had been too much for her. After the hug, she ended up wiping her tears again and avoiding Ben’s gaze. The hug only made things more awkward between the two.

He scratched the back of his head.

“You must be hungry. Would you like to join me for dinner?”

She nodded. She wasn’t really sure whether she was truly hungry or not, but she knew she had to eat something and Ben inviting her to dinner was finally some progress, especially if it helped with the awkwardness and with getting used to each other. Besides, with Finn rejecting her, she was in need of an ally and Ben seemed… well… he was probably the only who knew the most about her as the woman she had been before, the woman wearing those clothes from the walk-in closet upstairs. 

She sat again at the table and watched him all quiet like a scolded child. After he finished unpacking everything, he opened a cabinet and took out two bowls, two plates, the cutlery and two mugs, and set the table all by himself. Rey was chewing a strand of hair, while staring at the purplish galaxy-themed plates, knowing exactly that they were made of high-quality glossy ceramics and that each plate cost a lot. Made to order.

“It seems Luke forgot to leave your prescription.”

Rey flinched. Prescription for what?

“I can make you some tea in case you won’t be able to sleep.”

“I’ll… thanks,” she said taking the bowl of cauliflower soup. She took a bite out of the garlic bread and started eating while Ben was still brooding. He was not a bad man. A bad would not have taken care of a long lost wife who didn’t even remember him, nor feed her like that. The cauliflower soup was one of her favourites and despite this one not being as delicious as Maz’s and the garlic bread no longer being fresh, it was still a feast. She was very hungry after all.

She ate her soup quietly and so did Ben holding his bowl in his hand. His hands were huge she observed. But they were not scary at all. They looked so delicate and gentle. And those fingers… those fingers…

“Are you ok?” Ben stood up suddenly and ran to her.

She stopped coughing and waved her hand trying to explain without words that she was fine. Her old dirty mind wasn’t however, as it once again sent her body some tingling feelings. And now his palm was on her leg and it was burning her.

“I was… my mind faded out and I choked on a chunk of bread. But I am ok.”

“Are you sure?”

Jesus, those eyes. She blinked and looked down to her fingers in order to not end up hypnotized by his eyes. He was not really a conventionally good looking man, but he was handsome. Incredibly handsome actually. And her heart was once his… and her body too, but she didn’t remember that part.

“Your face is red. Do you feel hot? I have some meds in-”

“I’m ok,” she said a little bit too loudly while covering her cheeks with her palms.

Ben sighed realizing that there was no point in insisting and went back to his seat rather grumpy.

“Do you want some sweet and spicy turkey with beetroot and feta cheese salad?”

Rey looked at him, then at her almost empty bowl and then again at him. That was her birthday dish. How many birthdays did she miss?

She felt a sudden sadness pulling her into the depths of the unknown. Her head was spinning revealing to her tiny glimpses of her hands preparing the dish and then of Ben smiling and laughing while cutting the beetroot into tiny pieces. She could hear the laughter as if they were laughing in that exact moment right there.

“Rey?”

“Yes, please!”

Ben face was still serious. She smiled at him, but no smile in return.

_ Fine. _

She ate the turkey and salad quickly hoping it would trigger some other memories, but nothing else happened except for her stomach getting painfully full. It was a little bit disappointing, but all hope was not lost yet. If she had that tiny glimpse at her past life, maybe living with him was indeed beneficial to her healing or at least in what concerned some of her memories. So that was good, right?

“Did you know that this was my birthday dish?”

Her plan did not include asking him that just yet, but her mouth and desperation ended up being faster than her mind and considering that he had also finished his meal before her and was getting up to leave, she excused her imprudence by blaming it on necessity.

“Yeah,” he answered chewing on his bottom lip.

“Have I ever cooked it for you? Or _ with _you?”

Ben furrowed. He was most likely suspicious as he wouldn’t have probably bought that exact dish by coincidence. Not to mention that it was a rather unusual combination.

“Yes, you did.”

Rey’s face lightened up.

“But only for your first birthday spent together with me. After that, you’ve never cooked it again.”

Never cooked it again? But she must have had other birthdays!

She opened her mouth but added nothing as Ben was leaving the kitchen anyway. He returned later when she was finishing wiping dry the cutlery. Ben furrowed again and Rey was not sure whether she should roll her eyes at his constant grumpiness or be afraid of him snapping at her. What was bothering him? Her return or just her presence in general?

Ben cleared his throat.

“I left you towels, shampoo, shower gel, a toothbrush and toothpaste and a pair of pyjamas. And also a bathrobe. They’re in the bathroom upstairs. I also left the door open to your bedroom so that you know which one is it.”

Rey had so many questions, but for the moment she was being plagued by two. The first one was if the pyjamas were normal or some of those kinky ones she had seen. The second one was why she was being cast away. It wasn’t actually bothering her as he was a stranger and even with her auntie Maz dead and him being her husband, it was just not right sharing her bed with a man. All she wanted to know was if Ben cared about her comfort and boundaries as an amnesiac or if he didn’t want her in his… their bed.

“Thank you,” she murmured looking at the cabinets.

“I’ll put them back, don’t worry. And I’ll leave you a cup out and a bottle of still water in case you get thirsty. I’ll also put some fruit in the bowl on the counter and some other in the fridge in case you get hungry.”

She nodded.

“Thank you.”

Rey bathed and went to sleep without paying attention to anything else. She was sure her mind wasn’t even processing any of her actions. Considering that she fell asleep immediately, she must have been indeed exhausted after everything. But now she was better and the sun shining so brightly was allowing her to analyse the bedroom. It was obviously a guest bedroom with a tall bed for two, a wardrobe, a chest of drawers, two nightstands with two lamps and a TV. She was afraid to turn on the TV, not only because it was so different than the one she remembered from Maz’s house, but because she was not ready yet to face the world like that. So she just stared at the drapes and the silver lilies sewn on the brown drapes. What else was she even supposed to do?

She stretched again and grabbed the headboard with both her hands.

People breathing heavily and loudly. Grunts and moans.

_ “Harder… Harder!” _

She opened her eyes. What on earth was that?

“Hey.”

She looked at the open door and the man standing there with a tray.

“Hey.”

Her salute was warmer than his and would have also sounded probably friendlier had her voice not been affected by her vision. She could guess what she… they were doing in that flashback.

“So…” began Ben. “I’ve brought you some tea. It’s chamomile with peach and honey, your favourite.”

She smiled and nodded cautiously.

“That’s so nice of you.”

“And I baked you a leek and mushroom quiche.”

The name sounded pretentious, but the smell was familiar.

“Auntie Maz used to make me leek dishes.”

“Yeah, I know. This is your recipe though.”

It was her time to furrow. She didn’t have recipes. She had memorized Maz’s as the old woman was against writing them down and risking having them and her secrets stolen. But to deflect from them? That was a capital crime.

She watched Ben put the tray in front of her and then shyly sit on the bed. He was wearing a thin black sweater, jeans and slippers. Now she was glad that her pyjamas truly ended up being normal ones if normal was the ideal word for a pair of bloody almost 500 euros pyjamas. 

Rey grabbed the cup of tea and inhaled the scent. She took a sip and closed her eyes.

_ “You have to wait until the water boils and then you add the chamomile. In another pot, you add the peaches and boil those too. After you’ve finished, you mix a cup of each and add one tablespoon of honey, but only one.” _

“If you add more than one tablespoon of honey, the tea becomes too sweet and you won’t be able to taste the other flavours.”

Ben was biting his lip nervously.

“Yeah, I know.”

She smiled.

“It’s perfect.”

He didn’t smile back. What was his problem?

Rey put down the mug and stretched her arm to reach his hair, pushing a dark strand behind his ear. His eyes were softening and his chest was moving with each breath. Rey put her other palm on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. There was this urge inside her pushing her to touch him, to crawl onto his lap and to kiss him, but that was so so so wrong. Everything was just too awkward and she was in need of answers, answers she could get only by not pushing him too much.

“Ben, you don’t seem to be happy with me back in your life.”

A smug grin. Ben stood up and went to the window, staring at the large snowflakes falling peacefully.

“I’ve told you last night,” he began. “I am not sure how to behave around you. We’re practically strangers once again.” He turned to look at her. “Rey, you’ve been gone for three years. You’ve been gone for more than we’ve been married. And we don’t know why not even you know it. I may be selfish right now, but after all the pain and misery I’ve been through trying to find you, I think I deserve to be reluctant and cautious. I am well aware that you might want to divorce me with or without your memories. I’m helping you only because you are still my wife and I am pretty much the only one you have here.”

Rey’s bottom lipped trembled. She was all alone and lost. She was a nobody.

“But also because I still love you.”

Her eyes grew wider in shock, but the beating of her heart, she knew that it was true and that she also loved him. Not particularly in that moment, but back in those days, she wore sexy lingerie for him.

“All I want are some answers.”

“Me too, Rey. me too.”

She stretched her arm inviting her to take her hand, but he was hesitating.

“Why did you call Finn?”

She let her arm fall in her lap. Was he spying on her or…

“I am not judging you for not trusting me and I am aware that you are here pretty much by force because you have no other choice.”

“I’m-”

He headed towards the door.

“I’ll leave you your meds on the kitchen counter. You can take the tray there after you finish your breakfast.”

He made a pause and Rey hoped he would turn to face her, but he didn’t. Yet, she could figure it that he was in a lot of pain and was trying to hide it. She once again felt the urge to run to him and hug him, but her body was frozen. Her vision became blurry and she saw a vague image of a cold concrete floor and her sitting on it. She blinked and the imaged changed to one with Ben sitting in an armchair all serious, biting his finger. His pants were unzipped and she was kneeling in front of him and…

He was gone.

Rey took her time finishing her breakfast and then went to the kitchen to wash the dishes like the responsible girl she was raised to be by Maz. As Ben told her, she found on the counter some medicine sorted by times of the day. Based on their names and the prescription she found in the boxes thrown in the trash, she was not particularly sick or anything. Most of them were vitamins, anti-inflammatories, painkillers and sedatives to help her with her sleep and perhaps anxiety. She took some with the large glass of water left on the counter by Ben and gathered her courage to go back upstairs, but not back in her new bedroom. No. She was going back to her old bedroom.

Once she entered, she saw Ben speaking on the phone on the balcony. She could not hear him and considering that he was facing the forest behind their house, she could guess that he had no idea that she was there.

_ Good _.

She entered the walk-in closet and waited for the sensor to light the room. 

_ Let’s see. _

She took off her pyjamas and opened the underwear drawer, from which she chose a grey cotton matching pair of undies and bralette. She was ready to also look for a pair of thick socks, not any of those kinky stocking when something caught her eye. She pulled out cautiously the black lace set and stretched one of the many straps trying to figure out its shape.

_ “Look, Ben!” _

She heard her own voice.

_ “I got this as a ‘thank you’ gift from Dahlia. Do you want me to try it on right now or save it for our anniversary?” _

In her memory, she turned around to face him and so she did at that moment. She blinked not being entirely sure if the Ben she had in front of her was part of the memory as well, but the head tilt and the crossed arms were quite revealing.

“Umm… hi.”

He was barefoot and wearing an unbuttoned shirt and a different pair of pants. She was sure that when she saw him on the balcony he was still wearing the same pullover as before. Was he leaving? It was a little bit too late for him to go to work unless he had a different shift than the one before, which didn’t allow him to come to her during visiting hours.

“May I help you?”

“I… umm…”

He chuckled and came closer. Too close. Actually close enough to inhale the mixture of scents - his shirt’s, his perfume and his own manly scent. He looked her in the eye, eventually lowering his gaze on her chest. She looked down too and noticed that he was not staring her actual chest, let alone small breast, but at the set, she was still holding against her as she did in her memory.

“Do you know from whom you’ve got this?”

She shook her head as it was too difficult to explain to him yet that she was seeing glimpses of her old life. After all, they were barely making any sense.

“You worked really hard to plan the menu for the launch of Dahlia’s Dream new lingerie collection that you didn’t have any more time for the candy bar. I remember your caramel brownie bites were not what you expected and you were quite disappointed. You sat here on the floor and told me that you’re a failure. I took you my arms and carried you downstairs against your stubborn will. We worked together on a chocolate and strawberry themed candy bar. We baked lava cakes with poached figs and pavlovas with poached pears, then your special red velvet rose cookies, and finally twenty-freaking-types of truffles. Your recipes were usually delicious, but we both were still not sure about the rushed desserts. Obviously, you nailed it and the following night you showed me this.”

It didn’t have a price tag. Of course, it was not the price that was concerning her, but the fact that she had worn it. She gulped. Ben stretched his arm and took it gently out of her trembling fingers and folded it, putting it back in the drawer. Only then did she notice that her side of the closet was like a temple dedicated to her. 

“Caramel and lace are not an easy combination when it comes to cleaning it.”

She flinched and once she understood the undertones of his remark, her cheeks started burning and she became more aware of her nakedness. 

“Can you please show me where are my… ummm… casual clothes?”

Ben passed by her, their arms brushing against each other, and went to what she thought it was just a large mirror. The mirror divided into two and revealed more shelves and drawers. More clothes that she could use to cover her body and her stupid feed couldn’t be moved. Ben noticed her hesitation and picked out himself a pair of black jeggings and a thin pullover with tiny silver stars sewed in it.

“You’ve got T-shirts too in case it’s too hot in here.”

It was, but it had nothing to do with the heating system. She mumbled a ‘thank you’ and put on her pullover. She was stretching the arm to take the jeans when she noticed Ben looking at her legs. This time he was actually looking at her and by the image in the mirror, she could see why. Wearing only the sweater and the boxers, she was looking more sensual than just by wearing only the underwear.

Her vision became blurry once again. She was in the walk-in closet on the teal velvet bench and her body was rocking back and forth. Ben was there too as she could hear his grunts among her own moans. She looked up in the mirror.

“Ah!” she cried. “Aaaah!”

Her legs failed her for good and she felt her sensitive skin brush against the carpet.

When Rey opened her eyes again, she was in her bed - her actual bed as a married woman. The mattress moved slightly and Ben appeared next to her with a cup of hot tea. The same chamomile and peach tea as before. 

“Are you better?”

She was not sure whether to nod or shake her head, so she just shrugged. Her head was hurting so badly that she could barely keep her eyes open. Or breath. Why was it so difficult to breathe?

“I gave you an emergency shot. It seems that the sedatives’ effect is gone.”

So was her head supposed to hurt like that for forever?

“You will feel sleepy the entire day until, but please don’t forget to take any of the other meds. Promise?”

“Promise.”

Finally a genuine smile from him.

She let her head fall between the two pillows to get a better look at him. His shirt was buttoned up and he had a blazer on.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to meet someone. I’m not sure when I’ll be back, but I left you your phone on the nightstand. You can stay here if you want.”

“Ok.”

He took a couple of steps back and looked at her dazed face. His heart was stinging and he felt the rage build inside him.

“I called your brother. I explained everything to him and he will come here once the aeroplanes will be allowed to land here again. So it might take a couple of days.”

She smiled but added nothing else. Once her eyes began closing again, he left the bedroom and the house without looking back.

***

It was dark outside and inside when Rey woke up with a heavy head. She was so thirsty. She waved her hand until she found the bedside lamp and turned the light on. The mug was still there. She grabbed it a took a couple of sips until she ended up drinking it entirely. Her head was no longer hurting like before, but it had indeed returned to the same annoying numbness. Maybe one of those other meds would help her. She pushed the fluffy blanket off her body, realising that she was still wearing only the pullover and underwear, then got out of the bed with shaky legs. She stretched her body and looked outside the door leading to the balcony. There was a car parked behind their house and two people going towards it. The tallest one was Ben, but the other one? She squinted her eyes. It was a woman. A young woman. A very pretty woman. A woman standing too close to her husband.


	5. Better Alone...

“Hey! Ben, right?”

Ben lifted his head and looked at the girl. He squinted his eyes making Rey chuckle amused by his discomfort of seeing some vaguely familiar at his workplace. He seemed less boyish and more mature wearing that grey striped suit and a tie. Though, that short hairstyle was a little bit too much as he looked more like an office worker from Maz’s old soap operas rather than a man in his 20s.

“What are you doing here? Don’t tell me you’ve finally brought me the brownies.”

He was no longer looking at her, but at the computer screen. Rey smiled smugly at his fake passive-aggressiveness, putting her arms on the desk and playing with the squeaky toy hanging by her keychain. She noticed him peeking at her a couple of times his facial expression becoming colder and more embarrassed after each glance. After a while, he sighed and finally looked back at her, facing her playful grimace.

“So?”

“I came here to deliver some goodies.”

Ben’s eyes fell on a post-it note. Oh yeah… the lunch in Olympia conference room. He took an envelope and the paper attached to it and placed them on the desk, then waited for her to take her cheque and sign the document.

“We have our own chefs,” he reminded her while signing the paper himself as well. “Why would-”

“Because our desserts are the best, Mr Solo. Both the sweet and the salty ones. And you know it very well, but perhaps you need to be reminded.”

She unzipped her messenger bag and took out a small bag containing three different types of biscuits. She swung it by the purple ribbon in front of him until his serious face became softer and he snorted.

“Are you trying to bribe me?”

She rolled her eyes and pulled her arm away, but not fast enough as Ben immediately caught the bag and grabbed it out of her hand.

“So I guess now that I have been bought with three biscuits I am in debt to you.”

“Or maybe you can just give me something in exchange?”

Ben lifted his eyebrow.

“Like what?”

“Your heart.”

***

Rey looked at her husband eating his breakfast. She had remained in the main bedroom on purpose, pretending to be asleep, but he never came there, nor did she even hear steps outside the bedroom, on the hallway. However, she did see the car leave their property. So he either slept downstair or… 

“For how long have we been married?”

Ben blinked half asleep. He  _ must  _ have had a rough night and something or  _ someone  _ must have kept him awake.

“You told me I’ve been gone for more than we’ve been actually together.”

Ben took a sip of coffee and put down his cup.

“Technically for five years. But we started dating almost one year before our wedding.”

Rey pouted.

“Was it before or after Maz died?”

Ben looked at his slice of toast with chorizo and mozzarella on it. He added a slice of tomato and took a bite.

“Tough to say,” he munched. “We sort of had a fling even before she died. We were getting along pretty… pretty good.”

Rey stabbed her baby spinach and bell pepper omelette. She was still hungry, but she was so intrigued and upset that her stomach kept revolting against any bite she took. At least her headache was gone.

“Did we eventually stop getting along?”

Ben’s nostrils flared and he started drumming his fingers. Rey imagined that each small noise was similar to the clicking sounds made by a kitchen timer. He was either going to snap or talk. And he eventually talked.

“We were fine.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Ben sighed and put his fork down.

“What exactly do you want to know?”

He must have noticed her cranky mood, but she did not find any reason why she should hide it in the first place. 

“What I said before. Did we eventually stop getting along? Is this perhaps one of the reasons behind my disappearance?”

Ben said nothing.

“Because if it is, perhaps you were right and we should get a divorce once Finn gets here.”

Ben flexed both his hands and avoided her furious gaze. He gulped at some point and for a moment he seemed conflicted.

“Well?”

He snorted.

_ What? _

Was he insane? What was wrong with him? He pinched the bridge of his nose and she saw his wide chest and shoulders move from the chuckling.

“Sorry. You’ve been so calm and sweet and just now you were just like the Rey I remember.”

He made a pause and cleared his throat.

“Look… you’re free to take any decision you want and think it’s better for you. But to answer your questions - I am in no position of knowing the reasons behind your disappearance, but I can assure you that despite some issues all married couple have, we were very happy and truly loved each other.”

Rey was not sure what to believe, but he seemed more convincing than before. 

“Then what on earth happened?”

Ben leaned over the table and put his huge palm over her hand, comforting her.

“We’ll find out. I promise.”

She was not that sure about it, but her chest was warm and she loved the touch of his skin on hers. She was longing for more, but she could not yet ignore that fear that was desperately fighting to get out with a panic attack. So she closed her eyes and pulled her hand away. She could feel his gaze but was too afraid to face either his anger or disappointment.  _ He is a good man _ , she reminded herself. Even if he had replaced the old her with another woman.

Rey bit her lip wondering if that was jealousy or if she was forcing it upon herself based on her concept of marriage. Perhaps she was the one who had left in the first place, so she had no right to lecture Ben or keep him from a nice woman who would make him happier than she ever did.

“You know I used to be in love with you when I was younger?”

Ben lifted an eyebrow.

“After we first met, I developed a huge crush on you, but we never got to see each other anymore, so I ended up with a broken heart.”

“You… you’ve never told me this before. You’ve always told me that you used to find me rather annoying and weird.”

She shrugged.

“Well… I was a child. There was probably no point in telling you about my crush back then and I don’t know why I did it just now. But it was weird meeting you again after that heartbreak.”

“It’s ok.” he smiled kindly. “I’m just… I… Ummm… May I ask you how much do you remember?”

She looked at his handsome face and tried to ignore the image of him kissing her neck that kept trying to force itself back into her mind. He needn’t know all that, but perhaps he needed her to be honest with him a little bit more.

“I remember pretty much everything from my childhood in Maz’s house up to our meeting in that pizza parlour that summer. Our second meeting. Or our first meeting in years.”

“But not our relationship,” he remarked.

Rey lowered her eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“No need,” he sighed. “Regardless of what happened, I think we can make amends and at least be friends.”

Friends… yeah… 

“Do you want to go out for a walk? The wind isn’t blowing, so it doesn’t feel as cold as before.”

Rey nodded with fake enthusiasm and even faker smile. She left Ben to clean up and wash the dishes, while she put her pullover from the previous day back on, then returned in the foyer and quickly put on her parka and boots. Ben followed her more relaxed and gave her a wool hat.

“We’ve got to protect that cute head of yours.”

She giggled making him blush and then watched him pretty much run outside. He waited for her on the porch, however, to lock the front door and set the alarm. After he finished, they began strolling on the snowed-in streets, smiling and laughing at each slip or wrong step. They had passed many private properties and fancy houses when they finally approached a bunch of boutiques and stores. They entered one, the only grocery store open actually, and bought a loaf of fresh bread, some canned fruit at Rey’s request, some cherry tomatoes, a bag of rice, a cabbage, a tiny box of mushrooms and a few carrots. The familiarity of buying groceries made them feel more comfortable with each other or at least it so gave them the impression for the moment, because she still didn’t remember doing such things with him before.

“Ben, what was your life like while I was away?” she asked him halfway on their way back home. She had avoided any mentions of their relationship or her past life, but it was already too tiresome to keep chatting about the weather and fancy houses.

“Lonely,” he admitted. “Time flew quickly though. All I did was work, eat and sleep.”

She chuckled looking at the fir trees covered with snow and for a moment she thought she saw a red scarf. She blinked ignoring the mental image of that fluttering red scarf hanging in a tree.

“So… No… no replacement for me?”

“It wasn’t necessary,” Ben laughed, yet the wording made her feel uneasy. Had her replacement been there even before her disappearance?

“What do you mean?” she insisted.

“I told you - work, eat, sleep. After you disappeared, I spent so much time looking for you and clues in general that I had to shut down our business and sell it to pay for private investigators. But the money ran out soon and I had to go back to the office work to pay bills. I didn’t want to sell our home, but that meant going to the city almost daily and gas costs a lot, so I had to take the train. The departures and arrivals have always had some shitty schedule forcing me to waste more time… then I had to take overtime hours, so except for the weekends, when I oversleep, clean, do the laundry and go grab some groceries, I have been too busy to find any distractions.”

He seemed so convincing again, but still just not convincing enough.

“So… no sex?”

Maz would have scolded her for such a language and disrespect of someone’s privacy, despite her own tendency of knowing a little bit too much about everyone and dropping mean truth bombs every now and then. But unlike that time in Maz’s kitchen, Ben didn’t seem affected and actually played along.

“No sex. Just some self-pleasuring from time to time. It’s said it’s good for the heart and mind.”

It was a good thing that her cheeks were already red from the gold, but she would not back down. 

“You know... I would invite you in my… our bed, but in what concerns me, it would be my first time and I want to keep it for our wedding night. Though I suppose that’s not the case anymore.”

“It wasn’t the first time either,” Ben laughed.

Her smile faded away.

“What do you mean?”

“You know… you weren’t a virgin when we got married. Our wedding night was rather wild and...”

Ben noticed that she was no longer by his side so he stopped and turned around. The last time he lost sight of her, he actually lost her for three years.

“Rey?”

He found her a few steps behind him. The bags were on the pavement with the cabbage rolling down the street. He caught it when it touched his boot and put in one of his bags.

“Rey?” he called her again. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I am… I didn’t… I…”

“It’s not such a big deal,” he smiled kindly.

She looked at him with her face completely red and teary eyes.

“For me it is or it was supposed to be! I don’t even know with whom I’ve slept. I’ve always said I would wait for the right guy and the right time, not fool around-”

Ben coughed interrupting her.

“That would be me.”

“Sorry?”

“We got wasted one night and after that, we kept on meeting.”

She blinked appalled. There was nothing sweet, nor pure or magical about her first time and the supposed romance with her husband before their wedding vows. Rey shook her head.

“That’s… not me. That’s not who I am.”

“People change,” he shrugged trying to make her see his more relaxed point of view.

“Not me. Especially not in that year before our wedding. The me right now would not…”

Ben huffed both amused by what only he could remember and annoyed at her reaction.

“Oho, you’d be surprised.”

She gave him a deadly glare, then grabbed her bags and started walking leaving him behind this time.

“What’s your problem?” he called out, thanking the skies that most of his neighbours were still probably sleeping at that time of the day. She turned around for another deadly glare then continued her way back home. At some point, Ben got fed up with her stubbornness and grabbed her by the arm, forcing her to face him.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? I can’t believe that we… that our relationship began solely as something sexual. Where’s the romance I’ve craved for my entire life?”

Ben shook his head overwhelmed.

“Wha… who even said that we didn’t have any romance in our relationship?”

“Really, Ben?” she huffed. “There is no one damn photo of me in that house. Not even of us. All I know about our relationship is what you’ve told me so far… “

That was not entirely true, but she continued her rant.

“But, Ben... nothing matches. I can’t identify with anything I see or I am being told. I am just a usurper. This can’t be my life, because I can’t see myself in it. I don’t belong here and whoever I was before isn’t me and I can’t even imagine myself becoming such a shallow person.”

He blinked without saying anything to defend their marriage. He just sighed and continued his trip back home. He turned off the alarm and unlocked the door, leaving it wide open for Rey to follow him, while he went directly into the kitchen, where he dropped off the groceries on the counter. When he heard her come in, he stormed out of the kitchen and went upstairs, closing his bedroom door with a loud slam.

Meanwhile, Rey wiped off her tears that kept on flooding her red face. She put the groceries in the fridge, pantry and the right cupboards without realizing that she knew perfectly where each of them was supposed to be, then ran upstairs without looking at his bedroom door. He knew what he knew and he was right. She had also been right, but they only fooled each other with those small gestures and play pretend. They were not a couple. They had never been a true couple, but two lonely people brought together by loneliness and sex.

“Oh, Finn…” she whimpered. “Please come soon and take me out of here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title refers to Lykke Li's song 'better alone' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMOnmuIt82s)
> 
> It is a little bit short, but the second part will be posted this week as well.
> 
> Thank you again for giving this story a chance!


	6. ...Than Lonely Here With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> continuing the previous chapter

Rey spent the rest of her afternoon locked in her room, watching a period drama and trying to get more invested in the love triangle the protagonist found himself in. She didn’t even notice the time flying until her stomach announced her that it was time to eat. She looked outside the window noticing that the only light came from the street lamps, the sky being dark and cloudy, perhaps announcing a new snowstorm.

The young woman stretched her arms and legs lazily. Those clothes were rather uncomfortable at that point and considering that she also had to take her meds and a hot shower to get rid of those shivers and cold feet, changing into her pyjamas sounded like the perfect option. She snuck out of her bedroom and noticed the door to Ben’s bedroom wide open. She gathered all the courage to enter the room and went to pick a new pair of pyjamas. She walked in the closet, opened the drawer and grabbed the first thing she found, without even looking at it, then went into the bathroom. She washed her hair and exhausted body, then wrapped her hair in a towel and put on her pyjamas and the fluffy bathrobe. The easy part was done, but now it was the time to go downstairs.

She inhaled and exhaled loudly and put on a tough face. She was climbing down the stairs when she noticed that two voices were coming from the living room. Perhaps Luke dropped by. She decided to ignore them and entered the kitchen. There were plenty of recipes she could make for dinner, but she was not in the mood for wasting time cooking. And that meant something, as she had always been in the mood for cooking. In fact, it was the thing that kept her afloat her entire life or at least her life as an adopted child. She huffed - that environment was being _ that _toxic and damaging for her.

She opened the fridge and grabbed some cheese and chorizo. She made some toasted bread and poured herself a large glass of milk. It was more like a breakfast rather than dinner, but she was eating out of necessity, not just to delight her tastebuds with some nice delicious food. After she finished, she grabbed a strawberry and bit half of it furrowing. There were no peaches in that town during winter, but they had strawberries? 

The image of the half-bitten strawberry began to blur and fade away. Now she was in that hotel lobby as in the previous big flashback, but looking at her feet. Her teal knock-off Converse shoes were soaking wet and she was wearing a sheer black floral dress and a thin denim jacket. None of them had a change in the face of that thunderstorm. She had tried getting out of the hotel a couple of times, but each time she ended up in a puddle the size of the Atlantic. Moreover, she had heard the bellboy telling a waitress that the roads were closed down. The bolts of lightning had hit a bunch of trees and the roads were blocked, whereas the bridge to her hometown was flooded, making it entirely was impossible to get back home.

“Rey?”

She turned around and looked at Ben Solo wearing his neat suit and tie as usual.

“Did you have another delivery for today?”

She nodded.

“Yeah, but I had to wait until the banquet was over and now…” she waved at the flooded parking lots and streets. “Now I am stuck.”

Ben mumbled an ‘I see’ and returned to his desk. Rey sat down on a velvet bench and began wondering if she can make it without any sleep or if they can allow her to sleep on that sofa.

“Rey?”

She turned to look at Ben. He had a pen and some papers._ Oh, the money! _ She jumped and ran to the front desk.   
“Thanks,” she sighed relieved. “I almost forgot about this little yet very important aspect.”

“No worries. It’s my job to remember such things.”

He made a pause and waited for her to finish signing the papers. He took them back and put them in the right folder then handed the folder to his co-worker.

“Please take this to the financial department in the morning. I’ll go home now.”

Rey bit her lip and tapped on the desk with her nails to get him to look at her.

“Where do you live?”

“In the same town as you?” he chuckled amused.

Her eyes grew wider.

“And how do you get home?”

“By car, of course. It’s parked in the back.”

“But the roads are either blocked or closed down. That’s why I am still here. My van is also parked here, but I wouldn’t get out of this town alive.”

Ben furrowed.

“I guess we can wait for an hour or so.”

His coworker chuckled.

“You do realise that at this hour no one will unblock the roads just for you? Besides, the weather app says that the storm will last until early in the morning.”

“Oh…”

Rey smiled at his confused face. He looked like a cute puppy.

“You know… I can share my bench with you.”

Ben looked at her, then at her soaked shoes, then back at her, then at her dress. Then he turned his back on her, leaving her with her mouth opened at his rudeness. Ben addressed his co-worker.

“Is room 811 available?”

The other man tapped something on the keyboard, then nodded.

“Yes. Do you want me to reserve it for you?”

“Yeah, use my code.”

Rey waited there behind Ben, watching the other man doing all sort of things a receptionist would do, then giving Ben a card. He took it and mumbled a ‘thank you’ then turned around to face her.

“Do you want to come with me?”

Rey awoke out of her reverie when she heard the two laugh loudly. She finished eating her strawberry and then stormed out of the kitchen, entering the living room. There was Ben, sitting on one of the teal armchairs, and the same woman from last night, sitting on the sofa maybe a little bit too comfortable for just a mere guest. They were enjoying a bottle of Pinot Blanc and some sushi.

Rey clenched her fists and approached the two, who were still laughing and giggling. The first one to notice her was the blonde woman, who looked at her slightly confused. She had a pair of huge brown eyes and a small mouth, but a gorgeous smile, which did freeze once she noticed her. Ben also observed the change in his partner’s mood and turned around to face his wife. He opened his mouth to say something, but the other woman spoke before he got the chance to do so.

“Oh my god!”

“Close enough.”

Ben rolled his eyes at Rey’s smug and childish reply and turned back to his sushi and wine.

Rey cleared her throat and got closer, climbing on the arm of the armchair where Ben sat in.

“I don’t think we know each other. I’m Rey _ Solo _ . Ben’s _ wife _.”

She stretched her arm hitting him accidentally over the face and offered her hand to the woman for a cordial shake. The woman accepted it and smiled to her, despite the obvious hostility Rey was showing.

“I’m Kaydel. Ben’s… friend.”

Once Rey pulled her hand away, Kaydel looked at Ben.

“So this means you are finally going to sell the house?”

Rey furrowed and looked at Ben, who was still avoiding her.

“Perhaps,” he answered.

“Well, now you won’t have to deal with all that legal bullshit as you can get the other owner’s signature.”

Rey clenched her fists again.

“What is going on? Why would we sell the house?”

Ben’s body became more rigid, but Kaydel answered her question.

“Well, Ben’s been trying to sell it for some time now, but both your names are on the pap-”

“Wait, you said you’ve never wanted to sell it.”

Ben finally lifted his head and looked at her with a cold gaze.

“Not now, please.”

She made an angry grimace and got her face closer to his.

“Not ever, right?”

Kaydel looked at them confused, but she was anything but a stupid girl, so she got up and straightened her dress.

“I think I should go now.”

“Do you want me to call you a taxi?”

Kaydel put on her off white coat and faux fur hat, then grabbed her clutch.

“No need. I am not drunk enough to be stopped from driving.”

Ben stood up and joined Kaydel to the front door. They chatted some more and exchanged some gazes, then she kissed him on the cheek and wished him sweet dreams. But as long it concerned his wife, he was about to have only nightmares.

Rey got up angrily and crossed her arms. She didn’t even wait for him to come back in the living room or even close the door behind Kaydel.

“Why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t.”

“You’re lying again. You told me that you’ve never intended to sell this house, yet you did. And you also told me that you’ve never got yourself a lover, but here she was.”

Ben came back into the living room. He was much taller than her and he could easily pick her up like a sack of potatoes, but she was not willing to back down.

“If I said that I haven’t lied to you, it’s because I haven’t. And after all, why do you even care? You don’t even want to be here among the things we’ve picked together or _ me _as a matter of fact.”

That… that was a cruel yet justified retaliation. 

“No, Ben. The issue here is that I don’t know how I can trust you if all you’re telling me are lies. What is the truth after all? Because I obviously don’t know it.”

He closed his eyes tired.

“What truth, Rey? That I have been living on my own for years in this huge ass house that I can barely even afford it any more? I did not lie to you went I told you that I’ve never wanted it to sell it, but in the past months I had to consider this option too or at least renting it because I could not live here just to keep your ghost alive.”

She shook her head in disbelief. Nothing he could say could convince her that he was not lying just to make himself feel or at least look less guilty.

“And Kaydel? I saw her last night too.”

He scratched his head exasperated. He sensed that she was about to accuse him some more so he raised his arms in defence.

“She’s just a friend. She briefly dated Poe and they got me this job after I ended up penniless.”

He made a pause to breathe, as he was barely holding in his anger.

“Trust me, you’re the only friend I ended up fucking.”

She blushed at his words remembering the tiny glimpses of him making her moan. Then a sharp pain hit Rey like lighting making the memories flash quickly before her eyes. She was back in the hotel once more, except now she was in the hotel room with Ben. There were two beds, but the room was small enough to make it seem rather intimate. The images jumped one from another and they were suddenly wearing bathrobes, eating some of her cookie samples from the messenger bag and chatting casually. But this time she could no longer hear the words as all she could do was focus on their faces going from shyness to yearning. She watched Ben’s eyes lowering. He gulped and licked his lips. He was so… so… cute and handsome. She probably told him something as his eyes met hers in surprise and then she bent over the gap between their beds. He chuckled and bit his lip lowering his head. She covered her mouth and pulled away, but he smiled smugly and grabbed her by the bathrobe pulling her into his arms and kissed her.

Rey was barely able to keep her eyes open and mind awake. Her body felt as if it were made out of jello and the only reason she was not lying yet on the floor was that Ben was holding her in his arms.

“I’m… I'm fine,” she whispered finally feeling her legs. She grabbed Ben by his muscular arms and managed to stand up on her own. The movement made her bathrobe untie itself, revealing her rather inappropriate pyjamas for that season. The dusty rose scalloped eyelash lace pyjamas also caught Ben’s attention who whimpered and looked back at her with his wide open and full of… too many mixed feelings.

“These… the last time you wore these pyjamas was the night before you disappeared.”

His eyes were wet and his lower lips were trembling. Rey’s chest was also hurting now. It was most likely a mistake, but she parted her lips and licked them before whispering:

“I was also wearing a bathrobe like this the night we first kissed in that hotel room.”

Ben exhaled loudly and pressed his forehead against hers.

“God, I missed you so.” 

Rey took advantage of their faces being close and slightly tilted her head. Ben got the message and moved his head brushing his lips against hers. He closed his eyes and kissed her lips waiting for her to respond to his passion, yet she did not know what to do. 

Ben sighed and let her go straightening his back with an impassive look on his face

“It’s late and tomorrow I must wake up early for work. Have a good night.”

He turned his back on her and left her to stand there in the middle of the living room. She whimpered confused and lost. They were both hurting each other and the only one to blame was her condition.

_ It is just not right. _She sniffed and looked at the empty frames where their photos should have been. For once, her brain seemed to have found the right piece of the puzzle. There were no photos and belongings of hers because he was planning on moving out. She just happened to return and stop him without even being aware of this. She messed up his life once more. The best she could do was to finally set him free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have almost finished writing the 7th chapter, however, I am not sure when I am going to post it or if I am going to have time to post 2 chapters next week, because I also want to go back to my other Reylo story and update it.


	7. Further Away

He was so afraid would look like a creep, especially because he was so much older than her, and her childish appearance was not helping. She was already so tiny and fragile and those pigtails and floral headband added to the schoolgirl image. He licked his lips nervously and tried to avoid looking at her lips… or at her see-through wet dress. She wasn’t even wearing a bra!

He cleared his throat trying to seem impassive, but his cheeks were already read.

“Given the current situation, it is our responsibility to provide you with a place to sleep. Besides, the general manager is very happy with your products and the profit this hotel made thanks to the customers’ demand for events where you are the one in charge of the-”

“Ok, Mr Solo,” she smiled rolling her eyes. “I could use a place to dry myself.”

He did not know what to say as he had not expected her to be that comfortable with the idea of sharing a bedroom with a man, so he headed towards the elevator with her just right behind him. The elevators had been replaced a little before he’d joined the team, so they were much larger than the former ones, though less aesthetically pleasing. But at least the size helped him not turn into an actual tomato and not make things more awkward as the distance between them was a comfortable one.

Ben counted the floors and sighted relieved once he heard the bell ringing followed by the elevator stopping. The doors opened and he stepped outside. He thought for a moment that he was more relaxed, but Rey grabbed his pinky finger with her tiny hand and his legs went immediately weak. That slick girl had been dropping by with her delicious treats and each time she took her time to chat with him and give him a bag of goodies. During the first weeks, he had been rather uncomfortable with all the attention and displays of affection... or whatever was that, but lately… he had actually organised his schedule to have a day shift each time she was there and a night shift when she was supposed to deliver the sweets and the cake for fancy birthday parties or weddings and other similar events. He had even considered going to order some sweets to see her on his days off as well.

“Woooow!” he heard her say. “This just like in auntie Maz’s soap opera with the hotel and-”

He coughed.

“You should perhaps take a warm bath or at least a shower. I guess you wouldn’t want to get sick and not be able to work anymore.”

She shrugged and looked around some more toying with his patience, then finally went into the bathroom out of the blue. He heard the door closing and getting locked, then the water running.

Ben sighed relieved. Such an odd girl. He could not understand why she was making him feel so uncomfortable, despite the fact that he actually enjoyed her presence.

He scratched his palm nervously and went to check the wardrobe for some bathrobes. Rey’s clothes were still wet, including the shoes, and his clothes were so stiff that he would rather not sleep at all than sleep in them, especially considering that the following day he was supposed to go back to work wearing the same uniform. Good thing that everyone was too afraid of him to even ask him… well… anything.

“Ben?”

He flinched and turned around quickly meeting a semi-naked Rey wearing only a towel, revealing her wet tanned skin. He gulped at the sight of her cleavage as she was pressing the towel against her chest.

“Y-y-yes?”

“Can you give me a bathrobe, please? I forgot to pack my pyjamas.”

He nodded ignoring her joke and grabbed the bathrobe almost throwing it at her. Rey giggled amused and gave him one of those looks of hers.

“Thanks. Do you want to use the bathroom too?”

“Obviously.” 

She hummed an ‘mhm’ then winked at him.

“You should have said so from the start. We could have showered together.”

***

“I don’t think you’re paid to sleep.”

Ben flinched and opened his eyes. He was alone in his office as most of his colleagues had left for a well-deserved winter break. After all, January was pretty much a boring month and nothing ever happened. Not that anything in general ever happened there. Once he quitted his former job, he really thought he was going to be done with boring office work for forever. Well… he used to do ‘office’ work for his and Rey’s business as well, but at least he was more motivated. Not that not dying of hunger and cold was not motivating enough, but working with Rey used to be more relaxing and less tiresome. And it had its perks...

He tried to not smile and just stretched his arms above his head, then looked at Kaydel perched on his desk. She was wearing a pair of plaid pants in earthy tones and a white shirt. She was also wearing a large scarlet bow. It was her ‘headpiece’ of the day.

“No,” he yawned barely hiding the smile in the corner of his mouth. “I’m paid to hide in here.”

The young woman giggled making herself more comfortable.

“Your wife again?”

Ben looked down at his phone. No calls meant good news unless Rey had run away before Luke got to check on her. And the house would be empty once again… just like his heart.

“Not really  _ again _ ,” he mumbled. “Just… you know… about last night… Look, I am really sorry for her behaviour.”

She waved her hand not interested in any of Ben’s stiff apologies. 

“No worries. She was actually rather adorable... like an angry puppy. Did you say she has amnesia?”

Ben yawned again, then took a sip of water. It was a little bit too late to finish his coffee as he would rather sleep than waste another night overthinking things again. It was pointless and harmful.

“Sort of. She can’t remember the past five years or so, including our relationship.”

“Hmm… she did seem jealous though.”

Ben bit his lip nervously. He had been wondering if her reaction was a sign of pure jealousy or if she was just trying to get him to throw her out of the house by embarrassing and constantly acting weird. And considering her reaction to his impulsive kiss and the call he got from Finn telling him that a girl had pretended to be Rey and asked him to come to rescue her… 

Ben sniffed, then coughed - Kaydel’s perfume was too sweet and too strong. There was no point in letting his heart suffer anymore. 

“She just seemed.”

The young woman squinted her eyes.

“What?” asked Ben exasperated and tired.

“You don’t seem too happy to have her back.”

Again the same remark. Were people expecting him to jump around and carry her like a prize-winning dog and present her as his wife to everybody? Because things were too damn complicated and he was tired of looking like that bad guy. He was just doing what he thought was the best thing for both of them. 

“And what would you do if you were me, Kay?”

Kaydel had grabbed the lump of red and blue play-doh off Ben’s desk and played with it, now finally shaping the purplish lump into a heart. 

“I don’t know. Be her friend?”

Ben tapped his fingers on his desk. His stomach was growling like a beast. Unless the sound he felt coming from inside was just his inner self exploding from all the rage and frustration.

“I tried. She just hates me, Kay. Me and everything about our life as a couple. She acts as if I poisoned her soul or something.”

“Oh you,” she laughed.

“I’m serious! There is this huge gap between the Rey she is and the Rey I met, even though it seems that her memory stops at just maybe two months or three months before we began dating. At some point, I even suspected her of being an imposter or just a lookalike willing to take advantage of the situation. Who knows what on earth happened three years ago.”

Kay patted him on the shoulder trying to empathise with his pain.

“Give yourselves a chance at least as friends or until she remembers something. I will also take a break from finding a buyer for the house and a new apartment for you .”

“There’s no need. Carry on with everything we’ve planned.”

“Ben,” she gave him a look full of disapproval.

He was sick and tired of that discussion, so he saved the documents he had been working on and turned off the computer. His stomach rumbled again.

“Wanna grab dinner?”

“No, sorry. I have a blind date tonight.”

“You? A date?” he snorted.

“Yeah,” she rolled her eyes at his tone full of irony. “In one of those restaurants where you have to eat with lights off and communicate with one another while trying to not stab yourself in the eye with the fork.”

Ben smiled kindly and caressed her forearm. Kaydel removed her hand from his shoulder and caressed his handsome face as well.

“This is why I actually dropped by - to tell you that I can’t drive you home tonight.”

“Ok,” Ben shrugged and stood up. “Then… see you tomorrow?”

“Sure,” she smiled trying to encourage him and give him some of her positive vibes. “And Ben?”

“Yeah?” he stopped from putting his coat on.

“Instead of asking me to put myself in your shoes, then maybe you should put yourself in Rey’s shoes. It’s been only a couple of days for her and everything is new. I know you’re not exactly the martyr type, but maybe try being less negative and give her the time to fall back in love with everything?”

“Now I see why you’re in charge of this company’s reputation,” snorted the little jerk again and Kaydel punched him playfully in the shoulder, mouthing a ‘shut up’.

Almost half an hour later, Ben Solo was one of the very few riding on the train at that late hour. His eyes were closing and the lounge music wasn’t of any help. He eventually closed his exhausted eyes for a moment and tried to remember the rest of his dream. Oh, yes. They were each sitting on a bed, eating some of Rey’s goodies from her magic bag. Cinnamon sugar scones.

“You’re an amazing baker,” he told her with his mouth full of scones.

“I’m really not. I just improvised this time, because I was out of apples, but it is Maz’s recipe. And you’re just hungry.”

He shook his head.

“You do realize that I’ve been working here so much and for so long that I could easily just order something?”

Her eyes widened.

“You mean you’ve been eating  _ my  _ goodies and you can’t even get me a cup of tea?”

“There’s a kettle behind you.”

She turned around making the tips of her wet hair look like little branches. And one accidentally hit him. He was wiping the water drops off his face when Rey looked again at him.

“Thankies, Ben-ben,” she winked again, making his heart beat faster.

“You know…” he spoke flustered. “You’re really cute. And sweet.”

“Am I?”

Her tone changed into one more playful with certain seductive undertones. Her smile had also turned into a devilish smirk.

“I’m a true ray of sunshine.”

“I think you may be even sweeter than some of the goodies you make.”

The playfulness in her voice was beginning to fade away.

“Really?”

He nodded.

Rey bit her lip and her eyes lowered on his lips. He gulped and also licked his lips. 

“But how would you know if I am truly sweet if you hadn’t tasted me yet?”

A couple of minutes before, he would have blushed and stuttered, but those adorable freckles, the long brown eyelashes touching her cheeks each time she laughed with her eyes closed, the button nose and… She made the first move by bending over the gap between their beds. He chuckled and bit his lip lowering his head. He was not sure whether to truly expect her to kiss him or just to see which one of them would stop with that ridiculous game. And as expected, it was Rey who ended up backing out by covering her mouth and pulling away.

“Wait, are you really going to-”

To hell with it! Ben smirked, then grabbed her by the bathrobe and pulled her into his arms. Her lips tasted like sugar, strawberry mousse and chocolate... or maybe it was just his imagination. What was not his imagination was the fact that he was falling in love with her.

Ben yawned and looked at city lights fading away and being replaced by a sea of trees. 

_ Yeah, my love _ , he thought.  _ I am the one who seduced you and corrupted you. It was totally me.  _

Fourteen minutes later, the train stopped at the train station and Ben got off. He was ready to check if there was any chance of catching the last bus instead of wasting money on a taxi, but he was stopped from going to the left. The police car pulled right in front of him.

“Are you crazy?” he yelled at Luke. “You almost killed me!”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” laughed the old man. “Get in.”

Ben opened the door and got inside without much enthusiasm. He turned up his nose at the smell of onion flavoured chips, cigars and alcohol.

“Rey?”

“She’s fine. I just dropped by to check on you two and saw that she was all alone.”

Ben sighed. So she hadn’t run away.

“How are things between you two?”

The younger man looked at the snow falling peacefully. If only his life were that peaceful instead of the blizzard he was feeling inside his heart.

“Horrible.”

He was surprised by his own sincerity, but instead of getting a sympathetic look from his only uncle, he only laughed. Ben furrowed.

“You’re so dramatic, boy. You remind me of your grandpa.”

“Would you rather have me lying to you?”

“I would rather have you not lying to yourself.”

Ben was taken aback by the accuse. He had been nothing but honest.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re selling the house?”

Ben pouted. Luke was supposed to help him investigate Rey’s disappearance, not him and his decisions.

“How about you investigate the right person? Have  _ you  _ even found anything new? Because finding her was a total accident and pure luck. Apart from that, you haven’t been of any help, old man.”

Luke snorted, trying to look rather amused than upset, but deep inside he was hurt. Hurt because it was true and hurt because it was heartbreaking seeing his nephew still so angry and torn apart. He felt the urge to shove his hand inside his coat and pull out the flask, but he couldn’t do that. Not when Ben lost his father to one night of drunk driving during his college years.

“You could make my job easier if you treated that girl better and helped her with her recovery.”

Ben made an exasperated sound and was ready to order him to stop the car and let him get out when he realized something.

“And how would you know about this? Has Rey-”

“She told me you hate her,” Luke interrupted him.

Ben blinked confused. He made a pause to think about it, then he huffed bitterly.

“She is the one to talk about hate? She doesn’t even know… she knows nothing!”

“Exactly! And you are hostile!”

“I am not and stop scolding me as if I were your son because I am not!”

Luke turned his head to look at him with a disapproving furrow, no longer paying attention to the slippery icy road. It took Ben one moment of distraction to lose control of his car and, with his mind inebriated, he had no chance of recovering it. The car was later found in the river. Ben had managed to get out of the car on his own, ending up with just a couple of bruises. However, his mind and heart were for forever damaged, because Han did not survive the crash. And now, Ben was reliving the same moments once his frightened eyes noticed the headlights of the truck approaching them.

***

“Look… I know you don’t owe me anything at this point, but perhaps we can reach an agreement. Until Finn comes, can we please get along?

Rey looked at herself in the mirror and scratched her forearm nervously. What would Ben answer? He was so unpredictable. And that attempted kiss from the previous night had left her sleepless for the entire night. Only after she took her pills did she manage to get some sleep. A dreamless sleep in her empty bed. She woke up all alone in the house and longing for affection or at least some kind words… some empathy. And once again, she felt no desire to cook or bake anything, so she remained hidden in her bedroom, watching TV all day long. She got out only later when Luke dropped by to check on them. He saw her miserable and sat with her on the porch, drinking hot cocoa and listening to her complaining about Ben hating her for everything she did or said.

“Give him time. He has gotten used to being a hermit,” Luke told her.

He also told her that he would go wait on Ben and bring him home himself, but that had been over two hours ago and there was no sign of any of them. She looked at her phone and chewed on her lip.  _ Nah _ . Calling either of them would only put more pressure on Ben and she did not want that. All she wanted was peace and quiet and answers. And for all of these, she had to make a couple of compromises herself. 

She sighed. Three days in that house and they were already fighting like cats and dogs and she was supposed to believe that they had been happily married?

Rey turned around. For a moment she thought she heard someone knocking on the door. But Ben had his own keys and Luke used the doorbell. She looked once more at herself in the mirror and parted her lips to repeat her speech. Another knock and this time it was louder. She gulped. She knew no one in that town apart from Ben and Luke, so she could not imagine who could be visiting her. She headed towards the entrance with small steps, trying to not make any noise, then stopped. She looked through the peephole, gasped, then hastily unlocked the door and threw herself in her guest’s arms.

“Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! You’re here! You’re finally here!”

Finn hugged her back and she heard him sniff.

“Don’t cry.”

“My peanut.”

They stood there hugging each other until Rey began trembling from the cold getting through her sheer pyjamas. Finn let her go, but not before cupping her face and looking at her.

“You’ve changed.”

Really?

“You’ve changed too, Finn,” she remarked touching his now shorter hair and beard. “You’re much older.”

“Well… I am older than you probably remember me. Ben told me everything. Oh, I’m soooo sorry for how I spoke to you, but these past years have been a nightmare.”

Rey nodded and took his hand into hers, pulling him inside.

“It’s ok. It’s ok because you’ve come to take me with you.”

Finn blinked confused and looked behind him at the taxi waiting closer to the snowed driveway. 

“I… umm... Where is Ben?”

Rey shrugged.

“Not here. I’ll go pack some stuff and come with you.”

Finn looked again confused. He had been told that Rey had amnesia, but he did not know how to react or tell her that he usually stayed there each time he came to visit them. His driver was waiting to help him with his luggage and for the payment as usual. He didn’t even have the chance to assimilate the idea or find the right words to convince her to stay there, when Rey climbed down the stairs with loud thumps, still in her pyjamas, but also wearing a pair of UGG boots and a winter coat. She also had a gym bag with a sleeve hanging out.

“Let’s go!” she ran out, heading towards the taxi.

“Aren’t you locking the door?” he yelled.

“You do it!”

Finn looked at the keychain with the tiny comet hanging under the knob. What on earth…

“What about Ben?” he yelled again thinking that the neighbours were probably fascinated with the sudden change of scenery.

“I’ll text him later. Let’s go!”

Finn shook his head still confused, then locked the door and went back to the taxi. He opened the door and looked at the very eager Rey, wondering where on earth were they supposed to go at that late hour. Also, where was Solo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to Lissie's Further Away song (youtube.com/watch?v=Q0FAPa7lNss)
> 
> This chapter is a bit of a mess, but I have a sprained ankle and some annoying stuff to deal with at work. So please pardon my messy writing.


	8. Fall

The roads were still closed and there were not many options to get in or out of that town. As Rey ended up learning, the town was pretty much divided in the fancy new neighbourhoods, which included the one where she and Ben were living, the old center from where they’d bought groceries, which was actually larger than she’d noticed, the new centre where the citizens had built new schools, the shopping mall, the hospital and some office buildings; then there were the old neighbourhoods, where mostly the eldest residents lived, and finally, the ‘outskirts’, which consisted in farms, a small airport, the equestrian school and the largest country club in the county.

The hotel Finn and she were going to stay at was also in the new centre, which truly honoured its title as it was so much more different than the one from her hometown. There was not even the tiniest hint of the past century in the design of those buildings. Everything was a futuristic mass of cold glass and steel. Even the hotel had nothing of that vintage charm the hotel where she used to take her and Maz’ goodies had.

She waited for Finn near his luggage. He had only one large suitcase a smaller one, the type of those you were allowed to take with you on a plane and leave them under the seat in front of you. ...And how would she know that? She had never travelled by plane, unless… 

“We have a suite. Here’s your keycard.”

Rey took the card and looked at the number. 811. She smiled.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she shook her head. “Let’s go.”

Rey dug her nails deep into the flesh of her palms. Everything seemed familiar, yet she knew that it was not about Finn. It had to do with that flashback of her and Ben in the hotel and the same room number. She made a mental note to send him a text message about her leaving the home for… was it forever? Finn most likely had a life of his own and she had had one herself, but maybe he could help her start anew.  _ And Ben? _ Mental images of him being cold and mean to her those past days were alternating with tiny glimpses from the past of him smiling to her, kissing her neck or with his face buried between her legs, kissing her…

“Do you have a fever, peanut?”

She looked at Finn with large eyes and gave him an awkward smile. He shrugged it off and went to open the door. The suite had a large modern living room and three doors leading to the two bedrooms and one bathroom. Finn took off his coat and threw himself on the couch with a loud sigh.

“This trip killed me.”

Rey approached him with small shy steps and sat next to him.

“Be… I was told that you couldn’t come because of the weather.”

The man looked at her with tired eyes. It was incredible how much more mature he was. He was another man she actually knew nothing about.

“The airport here is still closed, so I took a plane to the nearest available airport, then two trains. Didn’t get any sleep though. But I had to see you, peanut.”

Rey caressed his bearded face.

“Had it not been for all the meds, I swear I would have gone mad. I don’t know what is going on.”

“So you really can’t remember anything.”

Rey crossed her legs and licked her lips.

“Do you know what happened?”

Finn looked at Rey’s hands. It was weird not seeing her with her huge diamond engagement ring and the white gold wedding band. She looked out of place, lost and somehow pulled out of their teenage years.

“Ben called me to ask me if we talked and then told me that you suddenly vanished and he couldn’t find you. The police did not either and everyone assumed you had drowned in the lake. This or…”

“Or?”

“Or that you left Ben for someone else.”

Rey blinked insulted. She wouldn’t have left her home for a man and without even telling her husband.  _ Wait…  _ she furrowed at her own unintended hypocrisy. But her current situation was different. She had no memories and Ben was a stranger, whereas Finn was her brother. Besides, she was going to text him. He would not be given the opportunity to blame her for his misery or accuse her of anything.

“I… let’s talk about this tomorrow, please. Now tell me about Maz.”

Her eyes were beginning to get watery and she had to clear her throat to stop that tremor in her voice.

“How did Maz die? She was stronger than both of us combined.”

Finn agreed with a nod and sighed. He changed his position to face her.

“She had overworked herself when we began getting more clients. I was busy going to culinary school and you had to take over my delivery duties, so she was left to do most of the cooking and baking on her own. The clients were getting more demanding, the recipes more complicated... she was already starting to show some signs of Parkinson and Alzheimer’s, and she… she had a heart attack.”

Rey concentrated. The soothing effects of her medicine were starting to fade away, so she could sense the headache coming back, but with her, so was part of her memory from those times. It happened the day after the kiss. She was returning home singing and blushing after the kiss she shared with Ben and the night spent together, chatting and flirting. Once she entered the house, she figured out immediately that something was wrong. The kitchen was a mess and Maz was not there, whereas the animals were running around and seemed unusually hungry and agitated for that hour. She ran upstairs and found Maz in her bed, attended by a neighbour, who was luckily a nurse.

Rey looked at Finn, then bent over and hugged him.

“Thank you for coming, but you should go to bed now. We have all the time in the world.”

“I know… You should go to bed too. You’re very pale.”

She smiled, even though even the tiniest gesture made her want to blow her brains out.

“I might have forgotten to take my medicine. I keep forgetting until the last minute”

“Want me to go to the pharmacy?”

“No need. I mean I don’t know the names anyway.”

He still visibly worried and she knew that there was no point in pretending in front of him.

“Look, I am going to call Ben tomorrow and ask him. Ok?”

“Ok.”

“But if it gets worse, wake me up and I’ll take you to the hospital.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”

Rey took off her boots and went to bed. But something was not willing to let her sleep yet. Something making her chest hurt this time. She could still hear the water running and Finn walking agitated and talking on the phone, but she was stuck in her bed, writhing around under the covers. She felt a final blow to the head and opened her arms as if embracing death. Except death would have been too much of an easy escape. What was coming was another painful lost piece of her memory.

After finding Maz like that, she had to take over the business for ten days, until she recovered. She couldn’t risk having her overdo herself, even if it meant Rey had to be the one overdoing and not getting any sleep. Cakes and turnovers and pies and meringues and brownies and cupcakes and... delivery. 

“Are you ok?” Ben asked her one day after noticing her lack of any innuendos or jokes. Was he missing her, because she  _ was  _ missing him, but simply had no time to waste on more pleasant activities. After those exhausting ten days, Maz finally got back to work. Rey insisted on getting another apprentice, but the old woman kept on refusing such suggestions. She said she could only trust Rey and Finn. The girl was indeed flattered, but more than flattered, she was tired and sometimes just done with everything.

“Sometimes I want to escape my home and go far far away and never be found.”

“Wouldn’t we all miss you?” asked her Ben while munching on an apple cinnamon oatmeal cookie. They were on a ‘cigarette’ break in the employee’s pseudo-lounge in the parking lot. She looked at him and laid her head on his shoulder.

“Then I will leave for three years.”

“Why three?”

“One to get used to being far away from home. One to do whatever the hell I want. One to get used to the idea of coming back home.”

“And if you come back only to want to run away again?”

“Then I’ll leave again. If after six months I am not happy with myself and everything and feel out of place, then I will leave once more and this time for forever.”

“Sounds about right,” he laughed and she bit her lip looking at those big lips of his, wondering when was he going to kiss her again or if he was going to do so ever again.

She blinked looking at the ceiling.

She had forgotten about that encounter because it was overshadowed by what happened that evening. She returned home to the same gloomy image of hungry pets running around and screeching, a messed up kitchen and a missing Maz.. She went upstairs to check on her, but this time there was no neighbour by her side. Rey looked at her serene sleeping face and grabbed one of the decorations. It was an Indian elephant wearing jewels. Next to the elephant, there was a colourful lizard bought during a weekend in Barcelona. Maz had lived her life like no one else and maybe Rey was going to live her entire life in that small town where everyone saw her as nothing else but Maz’s helper. A nobody. An orphan who was blessed to be adopted by an amazing woman, whom she had to repay her entire life, even it meant not having her own life.

“Maz?” she approached her bed and lifted the pillow thrown on the floor. “I need to go to the bank tom-”

She sat on the bed next to her and put her hand on the woman’s skinny shoulder. She was too pale and her face did not look healthy at all.

“Maz?” she tapped her on the shoulder. “Maz? Wake up! Maz!”

Rey kept on tapping her on the shoulder, on the face, but the woman did not flinch. She moved only when her head fell slightly to the right, lifeless.

“Maz!” cried Rey desperately. “No, no, no… Maz! Please! I’m sorry! Do you hear me? I’m sorry Maz! I’m sorry! I don’t ever want to leave you or this home, but please don’t  _ you  _ leave me! Maaaz! ...Mom… Mommy… mommy, please don’t die...”

Despite Rey and Finn’s wishes of having a small funeral with only them and some of the other children raised by Maz, her popularity gathered almost the entire town and even some people from the neighbouring towns. They all wanted to say goodbye to the best baker and chef in the whole country. But even with all those people there and with Finn by her side, Rey felt nothing but a great emptiness. She was alone. All alone. An orphan once again.

She remained numb the entire procession, no longer being able to cry. Finn had been stronger than her and had managed the entire situation better than expected. It was already midnight when Rey looked at him cleaning the garden with Poe, while she was cleaning the living room. Everyone felt the need to bring something to eat and donate some money, and that made the two of them grateful, but all the guests left a lot of mess behind and if there was one thing Maz could not tolerate, that was mess. Rey grabbed the last glasses and forks lying around and put them in the kitchen sink. She was not in the mood to wash so many dishes, but despite being incredibly tired, she knew she couldn’t sleep.

“Rey?”

“Hmm?” she murmured scrubbing the dried rice off a plate.

“How are you?”

The moment she heard her name, she did not distinguish between the guest’s voice and Finn’s, but now she could hear him properly and she couldn’t believe her ears. She turned around with big watery eyes and threw herself in his arms.

“I’m so so sorry, Rey.”

Ben’s voice was so honest and full of empathy... and he smelled so good. Rey pulled him closer, realising that despite her slim figure, all those years of carrying trays and using the whisker had blessed her with enough muscles to make her grip uncomfortable. However, he accepted it the way it was and kissed her head.

“It’s my fault,” she cried

Ben said nothing. Instead, he pulled her closer and caressed her back.

“It’s my fault because I was an ungrateful daughter. I wanted to get away and look what happened.” 

“It’s not your fault, sweetheart. It just happened. You said that she-”

She didn’t let him finish as she pressed her swollen lips onto his. He blinked surprised.

“Please, stay with me. Please, don’t  _ you  _ leave me too.”

Later that night, Rey was sitting on the floor, next to her bed, wearing her nightgown and hugging her knees and, from time to time, also biting them like when she was a child. She had found a bottle of homemade alcohol brought by one of the guests and her and Ben took it upstairs. Now, the bottle was more than half empty. 

“I killed my father.”

Rey’s eyes grew wide. Ben was also lying on the floor, with his long legs spread and his black shirt half unbuttoned.

“I’ve always had this… darkness inside me and I’ve tried different hobbies to tame it at least, but eventually, I grew bored of all of them and ended up just angrier than before. So in college, I began partying, drinking and drunk driving. I just loved the adrenaline rush and those moments of freedom when I was losing control of my own mind and car. But one night my dad caught me getting ready for a race. He got in my car and forced me to drive away from the area where the contest was being held. We ended up arguing. I obviously stopped being aware of the speed and I lost control. Then I woke up in the river. Somehow, I managed to get out of the car and reach the riverbank, but for my dad… it was too late. The police came and my uncle covered up my ass saying that my father was the one driving. He saved me from jail, but he did not save me from the guilt torturing me even up to this day.”

Rey had been listening to him realizing with each word how alike they were. They were two souls trying to escape a cage, yet remaining forced to stay hidden and all because of guilt. She moved from her improvised seat and got on her knees, in front of him.

“Since then,” continued Ben “I’ve been able to control my anger a little bit more, but each time I fuck things up, I can’t help thinking about my dad and how he lost his life to save me from this destructive anger.”

“Ben?” she called him placing her finger on his chin. He looked up at her and gulped.

“Rey?”

“Please make love to me like married people in love do in soap operas.”

Ben chuckled, but his face became serious once he realised that Rey was not joking at all. He licked his lips and bit the bottom one. If he was hesitating, Rey was not willing to let him say no, so she lifted her nightgown, revealing her naked lower body. She was straddling him when he caught her by the waist and pushed her underneath him. She took his gesture as the long-awaited positive answer, but as she was hugging him and putting her legs around his waist, he kept on shaking his head.

“You’re vulnerable right now and it isn’t right.”

She ignored him and pressed her lower body against his.

“Once we do this, there is no backing down.”

Rey ignored him again and lifted her head to kiss him on the chin, while her hands pulled down the stripes of her nightgown and then the gown itself, enough to reveal her breasts. Her skin was still tanned and it reminded him of the caramel taffy she brought him one time. He lowered his eyes and sighed, his eyes revealing that he was struggling with his own desire of tasting her skin, then pulled away and kneeled in front of her.

“You’re just a drunk kid, who’s just lost her only maternal figure, Rey. I am not going to be responsible for another loss.”

Rey snorted slightly more aware of her inebriated condition. 

“It’s not a loss, you... oldie!”

Ben caressed her lips and bit his own lip trying not to look at her chest. He eventually pulled her straps back on her shoulders.

“I’m talking about our friendship, silly.”

Rey pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. She lifted her leg, placing her foot on his chest.

“We can be friends with benefits. Oooor I can be your girlfriend,” she pushed him.

“Come on,” he couldn’t help himself but smile. “Look, I can stay with you tonight if you don’t want to be alone.”

“No need. I am upset now.”

He showed her that smug smile of his, making her heart pound like crazy.

“Are you sure, Rey?”

“Rey? Rey!”

The young woman opened her eyes lazily. She could feel her wet hair glued to the back of her neck and on her forehead. The sweat was cold and it was giving her shivers down her spine. She trembled and closed her eyes once again. The light was too much for her poor eyes, whereas her headache felt like claws tearing her body apart. She made a sound, but instead of something similar to mumbling, it sounded more like a snarl.

“I am going to give you an emergency injection and you will fall back asleep. Ok? Don’t get scared.” 

Get scared? Get scared of what? In dreamland, there was no physical pain and she was much braver and most importantly, Ben didn’t hate her. He was ok with all of her stupid shit and he laughed with her, not at her. He was her friend, whom she loved, even if not necessarily as a friend because despite her denials, she had fallen back in love with him from that first meeting at the restaurant. The rest was just fate reminding her this with each occasion.

“These are for you.”

She looked at Ben ignoring her in favour of his work, but she did not leave. She waited there until he finally paid attention. He flinched and looked back at her with huge eyes. Had the circumstances been others, she would have smiled like usual, perhaps laugh out loud, but she remained a cold block of ice. Ben blinked confused and took the bag reluctantly. He usually used to open the bag immediately just to smell the sweet scent of her cookies, but now he was more interested in looking at her with soft yearning eyes.

“I wasn’t expecting you to return so soon… or at all.”

She shrugged trying to hide her whimper, then shoved her hands in the large pockets of the black hoodie she had ‘borrowed’ from Finn’s closet. She was wearing simple yet sombre clothes and of course, they were black.

“I have bills to pay.”

“Didn’t Maz leave you anything? Maybe a hidden inheritance or secret royal title?”

“Debts,” she sulked. “Raising so many children and investing in their education leaves you with many many debts.”

Ben furrowed, then went to his coworker. Rey stood there waiting until she saw Ben loosening his tie and leaving the front desk to join her. From her experience, that was a ‘cigarette’ break. They went to the employees’ improvised lounge and sat on a bench. Ben opened the bag and offered her one of her own cookies, which she did not refuse as she was starving.

“So how you've been?” he finally asked her.

“Miserable. Finn and I have to sell the house and we don’t know what to do with all of Maz’s stuff and our animals. With all the debts, we can’t even afford to buy ourselves a studio or a cottage. Finn can get a dorm room for free from the culinary school, but I… if I sell the house, I won’t even be able to work.”

She lifted her gaze to check on Ben, who was still munching on the cookies. She took another one, a star-shaped one tasting like alcohol and cherries. Her cookies were not brilliant, but that was the only thing she could bake apart from the stuff she had to deliver. Besides, the situation was quite embarrassing and she could not think of any recipe to make a guy forget a girl making a fool out of herself.

“I made you these as an offering… to apologize for my behaviour from that night.”

“No need,” he smiled, then changed the subject. “So where are you going to live?”

Rey sighed and wiped the tiny tears escaping through the corner of the eye.

“I was actually about to ask you if you can get me a fulltime job here. I’ve heard the management is also offering a place to sleep and meals to their employees.

Ben nodded, but he was once again serious and furrowing. Was he going to be like that his entire life? Rey couldn’t imagine him happily married and still always that tense and apathetic. Actually, she couldn’t imagine him happily married to anyone… and not because of his attitude, but because her mind refused even the mere idea of imagining him next to anyone who wasn’t… her.

“Rey,” he took her tiny hand into his two huge hands. “I wouldn’t like you to waste your potential here.”

“So that’s a no?”

He shook his head.

“What I’m saying is that I have a better job offer and a place for you to stay.”

She looked him into those sad yet loving dark eyes and for a moment she lost contact with the real world. She blinked confused and asked him to repeat himself.

“I said - do you want to come to live with me?” 

***

After the effect of the medicine faded away, Rey finally woke up, mostly awaken by her stomach demanding food in the loudest manner. She snuck out of the bedroom and washed her sweaty body and hair and dressed in a pair of leggings and a large hoodie. She was surprised she had even managed to find such… cheap and comfortable clothing in that sea of pretentious garments. She got out of the bathroom just in time, as she almost bumped into Finn entering the room with a bag of medicine and with a waitress following him with a trolly full of food. Her brother came to hug her and give her a kiss, then invited her to sit at the round glass table, while the waitress unloaded the trolly. Finn took care to tip her and to wink at her, then joined Rey. He helped her with the pumpkin soup and the grilled trout fillet, then they ate silently. Rey was still overwhelmed by her flashbacks and Finn did not know how to give her the news. He cleared his throat loudly, making her look at him, then pointed at the white bag.

“They wouldn’t give me your medicine without a prescription, so I had to go back to your place.”

Rey slapped her forehead gently.

“I forgot to text Ben. Was he-”

“That’s what I want to talk to you about. You’ll have to stay here with me for a longer while.”

Rey furrowed. She wasn’t really intending on leaving Finn and going back to her grumpy husband just yet or maybe at all, but that choice of words was making her feel uneasy.

“Rey,” Finn began with a serious look on his face. “I had to go to your place because I called Ben and he didn’t answer for a while. Eventually Kaydel answered and...”

That was it! Ben had spent his night with Kaydel! She knew it! They were indeed lovers and that’s why…

“Rey, Ben had an accident last night. He and Luke are in the hospital.”

_ Oh my…  _ Rey dropped her fork and covered her mouth.

“Fortunately, they are fine. Ben has a couple of cuts and bruises and a broken arm, and Luke has a dislocated shoulder and broken leg.”

That was not exactly the definition of the word ‘fine’, but at least they were alive and not in a coma or worse. Rey inhaled deeply.

“Do you want to go see him?”

Did she? He hadn’t even bothered to come to visit her while she was in the hospital. Luke did deserve her care and attention, but she couldn’t just visit one of them. Especially not with Kaydel there. She seemed like a nice girl and it was not her fault for the situation between Ben and her amnesiac self. If they were truly in love, given her amnesia and the inability to communicate with her husband, it would probably be better to let them be happy.

“No. It would be too traumatising for me and besides… I think Kaydel can take care of Ben better than me.”

“I guess?”

Finn seemed utterly confused, making Rey’s situation rather complicated. She did not want to cry her out her frustrations. Luckily, he ended up just being conflicted as he revealed after taking the napkin and wiping the corner of his mouth.

“I think we should talk some more. I mean… we  _ must  _ talk, but not now. Maybe later.”

Rey uttered an ‘mhm’.

“I also have to run some errands. I’m so sorry for being the worst brother right now, but I don’t get to come here too often. Perhaps you want to join me?”

Rey looked at his face feeling once again the sharp pain in her head. Her memories were fighting desperately to get out. It was great, but it was also terribly annoying. If only it hadn’t hurt like that.

“I’m a bit unwell,” she admitted. “I think I’ll rest some more and we can talk when you get back. Ok?”

Finn’s face was serious, but he managed to fake a soothing smile. After their meal, he left the suite and Rey returned to her chamber. She was beginning to doubt the rightfulness of her act. Despite all the justified reasons, part of her was screaming and crying the loss of her marriage, even if it was a marriage she knew nothing about. 

She threw herself on the bed and hugged the pillow. How could she expect to understand Ben or anything else when she wasn’t even able to understand her own self. 

_ “Rey, this is my mother.” _

She shut her eyes embracing the headache. The dark began changing its shape. Rey was now looking at a woman. She had the features of someone fierce and used to be in charge of everything. However, despite her overall strength and her not so old age, she seemed rather frail from all the weight she must have held on her shoulders and too pensive. Something was wrong.

Rey turned to look at Ben. His eyes were full of adoration… and sadness.

“Have you done your homework, my star?”

Rey heard Ben exhale with desperation. What was going on?

“Yes… mommy.”

He took Rey by the hand and together they approached the woman.

“Mommy,” he spoke gently. “This is Rey. She is the one who made you all those goodies. She is going to stay here with us.”

Now she could see it more clearly. The woman’s eyes were empty as if no one was inside her body. She blinked absent, then returned to her thick album of photographs.

Then Rey saw it again. It happened in a blink of an eye, but she saw the pained look on his face. 

“Ben?” she called him while following him to the guest bedroom. He opened the door and walked inside, then put her luggage on the grey storage bench. The farmhouse style bedroom was cosy and welcoming, but no matter how much she tried, she could not focus this time on admiring the wallpaper with tiny dark brown branches, the bedside lamp shaped like a teapot, the hand-sewn quilt or the off white drapes with tiny bouquets of white lilac. No matter how hard she was trying to catch every detail, her gaze kept running back to Ben.

Rey stepped closer and put her hand on his shoulder. He smelled so good… his scent was making her feel as if she was getting undressed with each caress. She hugged him, her hands lowering on his abdomen. She smiled when she felt his abs, but her smile soon vanished once he turned around to reveal his trembling bottom lip and wet eyes.

“Oh, my poor boy… It’s ok. It’s ok.”

She hugged him tightly once again and felt a teardrop on her forehead. She lifted her eyes, then her chin. He was so tall that not even by getting on her toes could she reach his lips. But there was no need. He put her hands on her waist and lowered his head. The moment his lips touched hers she finally realized that he had once again stolen her heart.

“You can use the kitchen for your business. So far, your things are in the shed. If you need help moving things around-”

“Won’t your mom get upset about this?” she interrupted him grabbing his pinky finger with her much smaller hand. As expected, his face became sombre and he sighed.

“My mother won’t get upset about anything. She will barely notice you. She barely notices her nurse… or me.”

They stopped a couple of steps behind the chair where Mrs Leia was still absent-mindedly staring at her album. 

“My… auntie was also showing signs of Alzheimer's and I know it myself how difficult it was for us to cope with everything. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to be all alone and have your mom like this.”

He squeezed her hand.

“No treatment worked. She never got better… just worse. And it all started when my dad died. She was so depressed and for days she didn’t get out of her room. When we finally made amends, it all seemed like we could make it work out like before. And it did for a while. Until she started forgetting small things, then some stuff she always knew and then… me.”

Rey caressed his cheek and he leaned his head purring like a kitten, making her giggle.

“I’m gonna go bring what’s left in the car. Take your time to check out the house.”

She nodded and watched him leave, then looked around. That tiny room was connecting the living room and the stairway to the upper floor, as well as the two hallways leading to the guest bedroom and kitchen. The only furniture was the two armchairs, an end table and two large bookcases.

Rey sat in the other armchair, admiring the chandelier.

“It’s been in the family since 1921.” 

She flinched startled. Mrs Leia was looking at her with the same kind doe eyes Ben always did.

“Are you my new nurse?”

The girl opened her mouth but didn’t get to answer. The woman put her warm hand over hers and squeezed it gently.

“You make my boy smile and I thank you for that.”

“I…” she smiled shyly and utterly confused.

“He has walls. He’s always had them. My poor boy… always angry at himself and the world... “ Leia lost her stream of thoughts for a moment, then blinked. “Rose, can you bring me a cup of tea and some of those biscuits from Maz? I’ll tell my son to also buy us one of those strawberry meringue rolls the next time she sees her.”

Rey sighed acknowledging that there was no point in engaging in any conversation at that time or even ask any questions, so she just turned her head to look at Ben coming in with a suitcase and a backpack. Leia was right. He had walls, but he was also smiling more, especially when she was around. Maybe, just maybe he at least liked her too and those kisses and flirting were not just a mere game.

***

That new town was not that bad after all. In the past ten days, Rey had the opportunity to check out most of it and learn more about her life… as told by Finn, because her mind seemed to continue being exhausted after those almost 24 hours of forcing it to remember parts of her past, especially the parts including her husband. Of course… she had a couple of glimpses into the past when Finn told her about certain events, but she did not care much about those and she felt horrible about it. In fact, she was beginning to understand why her relationship with Finn had become so cordial and distant. They both grew up and built their own lives apart from each other. Finn’s time and life were dedicated to his online cooking show and travels across the world. He had written cooking books and was a renowned chef. And she had been a blossoming star on her own. All until she disappeared without a trace.

She pulled down her hood and read the sign on the window. That place used to be her business and now it belonged to someone else. Someone who was not doing great at managing a pastry shop. In fact, in the past ten days, that someone had never even opened the shop, because that someone was on holiday and didn’t make enough profit to hire people to take care of the place while he or she was away… or ever.

“Aaaand done. Now I’m waiting for the driver to take me to the airport.”

Finn pulled her hood back on and then over her eyes like when they were kids. She laughed punching him in the shoulder playfully.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?”

Rey gave him a soft smile.

“I can’t, peanut. This is my home and if I want to remember my old life, I need to be around here. Besides..” she rolled her eyes. “I am still being investigated and I am not allowed to leave town. Good thing we didn’t leave back then otherwise we would have been chased by the police like in movies.”

They laughed knowing well that it was goodbye, one that would last for a long while.

“You know… the suite is still empty. You can stay here  _ if _ you want.”

She bit her lip and looked at her old store once again remembering their discussion from a few days before.

_ “Ben hates me, Finn,” _ she cried.

_ “No, he doesn’t. Why would you believe this?” _

_ “Everything he does and says screams ‘hate’. Besides… Kaydel and him-” _

_ “Wait,” _ laughed Finn.  _ “Kaydel is Poe’s ex… if you can call their fling even a relationship. She’s been Ben’s only friend and support these years.” _

_ “Why are you defending them?” _

_ “Because this is ridiculous. Look, Ben is the biggest weirdo in this galaxy, but he never ever stopped loving you.” _

He  _ did  _ tell her he loved her or at least the Rey he remembered and she did not. She looked at her image in the window reminding herself that the mental image she had of herself was not the same she was facing. There was no point in even trying to avoid that discussion anymore. They had already lost and wasted too much time.

Rey turned to squeeze Finn’s hand and smiled.

“Thank you, but I need to make amends with my husband. And that house is still half mine so I have every right to be there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to "Fall" by Editors (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8JgFljbdmQ)
> 
> I ended up rushing the chapter and because of this, it is quite messy. Sorry.


	9. Through Glass

It is said that time heals everything.

However, six days before the one year mark since his wife’s disappearance, Ben Solo was sitting on the carpet, in front of the fireplace staring at the empty corner where the Christmas tree was supposed to be. The fire was not lit and the entire house was rather cold.

Ben sniffed.

There was no point in crying anymore, yet he could not help it. It was ridiculous that everyone was still presuming that she had drowned when they had that bloodied scarf and hair strands as the biggest clue possible. Not to mention that his heart kept telling him that she was still alive. And even if the others ended up believing her to be alive like he did, they all would continue accusing her of cheating. Indeed, Rey had been a little bit out of mood and secretive, but it was nothing new. He had learnt a long time ago that because he would get worried over any tiny thing, she would just dismiss any problem to protect him, even if it meant keeping secrets from him. He loved his tiny wife for being so strong, but it also pissed him off, the reason why he tried countless times to convince her to trust him and work things out together. Of course, he had also kept certain things from her too, because he didn’t want  _ her  _ to waste any more energy trying to protect him. But nothing ever indicated that she was done with him and that she was lying to him just to avoid heartbreak or an uncomfortable scene.

And she was no coward.

She would have told him straight to his face in case she was in love with someone else. Not to mention her sweet playful voice when she seduced him on their last night together. A woman planning to leave her husband for another man or a suicidal woman wouldn’t have giggled or laughed while teasing him. She wouldn’t have worn the sexiest summer pyjamas while outside it was freezing cold and snowing. She wouldn’t have kissed him like that, nor fucked him like that begging each time for more. She wouldn’t have come screaming his name like that. She wouldn’t have texted him all day and asked him out all excited to spend a fun evening at the winter fair together. She wouldn’t have just vanished while she was at the toilet to wash her hands, sticky from the cotton candy and candied apples.

His phone rang out of the blue and Ben stumbled to get to it, accidentally kicking over a stack of papers - bills, notices, subscriptions, invitations and mean anonymous letters. Apart from the less relevant ones, which he refused to read in the first place, the bills and the notices were still announcing him that he had been neglecting the business for too long.

He tried to ignore the dreadful papers and answered.

“Luke?”

A painful silence. It was no good.

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

His legs were shaking so he took a step back to sit on the sofa.

“Don’t say that.”

He refused to even consider the implications of that apology.

He refused to even consider the discovery of a lifeless body.

“Please, Luke… give it more time. Give her more time.”

The old man sighed. He was in pain too and no matter how much he disliked him, Ben couldn’t deny his commitment to the case.

“There are no clues, no nothing.”

Again that stupid reason? Ben grabbed the photo frame on the coffee table and looked at their wedding photo. How could anyone refuse to help find that angel and smudge her memory with idiotic presumptions?

“What about her phone?”

“Nothing in there. Her activity resumed to work and you. The last thing she used it for was for a photo of the of you.”

“Email?”

“Ben… you already know.”

Ben felt his eyes filling up with tears once again.

“Please, Luke. Please. It’s too early to give up.”

“Look, kid… I am going to do my best to help you, but the police won’t. I’ve already insisted on not giving up after the first three months. It’s a small town after all and it pains me to admit this, but they don’t care. As far it concerns them, she’s either fish food or in the Bahamas with some secret lover.”

Ben let out a desperate sob. He covered his eyes with his huge palm and cried. The last thing he heard before hanging up was Luke advising him to hire a private investigator. He threw his phone on the floor and continued weeping, his tears racing down his pained face. Rey leaving him for another man seemed more comforting now than simply not knowing if she was indeed alive or not.

***

Ben woke up all sweaty and more tired than when he went to bed. It seemed to be afternoon. A gloomy one with a dark grey sky and not even the slightest noise coming from the streets. Therefore, there was nothing different about that afternoon. Just another cold day he would spend all alone in that empty house. Maybe after moving into a smaller apartment, everything would be less painful. He had hoped for years that things would get better once Rey returned, but now that she was ‘back’ everything was still the same. Maybe because she wasn’t truly back and that hurt more.

_ At least she’s happy now. _

He yawned and stretched his one healthy arm and legs. Some muscles were still hurting from the time he spent in the hospital. His new wound was also throbbing, but at least it was already healing. However, the doctor did say it would leave a scar on his face. Not that it would affect him. Who cared about a scar when the first thing they’d notice was the nose… or the big ears.

He sighed trying to avoid the dreadful memories of his school years. He gained some popularity that kept him away from bullying only in college, but that didn’t turn well either. Had he known the aftermaths of his poor decisions, he would have chosen getting bullied over killing his father and unwillingly be responsible for his mother’s premature death as well.

_ It could have been worse _ , he observed looking at his reflection from the phone screen. At least none of them ended up dead… not that anyone would miss either one of them in this case. He was anyway meant to end up like his uncle… a hermit. An old sad man with no one to love him or visit him on his deathbed. He had even pushed Kaydel away those past days like the biggest jerk, considering that she had been so sweet to help him and Luke. But it was better that way as there was no point in making anyone feel compassion for him. No point in assuring their suffering once he would end his miserable lonely life.

_ Music _ ? Ben stood up swiftly. It wasn’t like Kaydel to… wait, she didn’t even have the key. There was no way for her to enter the house without the key and remote, and the last time they talked, he told her that he was tired and that he didn’t anything from her. Then he only texted her short messages such as ‘ok’ and ‘no, thanks’.

Ben got out of the bed and snuck out of the bedroom. He considered grabbing the silver candle holder and using it as a weapon, but once he felt the cold metal under his fingertips, he realised once again that he longer cared whether he lived or not. 

He went downstairs and took a glimpse at the door, then went to check it.

Locked.

He lifted his chin and headed towards the kitchen. His mother used to read him a fairytale about a prince travelling far far away to a secret land, where he found a princess and married her. Years later, he remembered his parents and old life and decided to return for a visit. But as he was riding back to his old kingdom, he noticed how the world had already changed and no one knew anything about his family and castle. Later, he did find the ruins of his castle and the crumbling tombstones of his family and even his. He was well aware of his still-beating heart, so he dug up his grave and opened his casket. There, lying on the red velvet shroud meant to hold together the remains of any dead royal, was death waiting for him. Maybe death was the one waiting for him in the kitchen. They would sit together and drink a glass of wine and then he would take death’s hand and follow her in the afterlife.

With small hypnotised yet firm steps, he stepped inside to be immediately hit by warmth, cosiness and the sweet scent of cakes. Was he already dead and that was his purgatory? 

A very active Rey with flour on her cheeks turned to face him. She smiled kindly and then looked around. She picked a ceramic tray, one matching the purple galaxy plates, and approached him carrying it proudly. Ben looked at her in disbelief then at the tray. He surely was dead, but perhaps it was heaven.

“Are those…”

“Chocolate brownies covered in chocolate fudge and coconut flakes with a slice of peach in syrup on the top. A peace offering.”

Ben sighed, but it was more of a whimper. He looked her in the eye, then pulled a chair and sat at the table. Afterlife couldn’t be that confusing, yet this Rey yes. He watched her put a brownie on a plate and serve it to him. It smelled a little bit like rum, but he was considering more the possibility of it being drenched in poison.

“What’s this?”

Rey was taken aback by hostility, but she was stronger now with those little bits of the puzzle placed back into her messy memory. She put another brownie on a plate and sat next to her husband.

“A peace offering,” she repeated.

“What for?”

She rolled her eyes annoyed, but immediately laughed, making him furrow.

“You are a smart man, Ben. Don’t make me define the concept of ‘peace offering’ to you.”

She took a large piece of brownie with her fork and shoved it her mouth as if guessing his pessimistic thoughts.

“How are you?” she asked watching him also take a bite cautiously.

“I’m fine. You? Finn told me that you refused to go to therapy.”

Of course, he had to bring up her departure in the most passive-aggressive way. The Ben Solo way.

“I’m  _ fine _ , too.” She inhaled deeply then continued. “I’m sorry for leaving without saying a word to you… and for not visiting you.”

He was now devouring the brownie.

“It’s ok. Finn told me that you weren’t exactly fine either and it wasn’t as if you… it was better for you to not be alone all those days. I just hope your stay was helpful and benefited your overall health.”

Rey nodded with her cheeks coloured in a pale shade of pink. It was as if he were a teacher scolding her. But he wasn’t and she needed to remind him of their actual dynamic. So she put a huge smile on her face leaving him speechless She was so adorable and she could guess the effect she had on him.

“I got to remember some things,” she announced him.

“Really?” said Ben using a rather detached tone. “Like what?”

Rey smiled smugly and took another brownie from the tray and put it on Ben’s plate, feeding the dragon to distract him. She waited, then dropped the bomb.

“Like Maz’s death and that you lied to me.”

Ben choked on a few flakes and coughed.

“Did I?”

His tone was somehow ironic making it clear that him choking was a coincidence and that she did not take him by surprise at all. Rey decided to play both his card and another hidden one from her sleeve.

“Yeaaah…” she placed her warm hand on his. The soft voice, the sexy pout and seductive gaze made Ben blink confused. He tried to look impassive, but nothing could have prepared him for what came next.

“We were very sober when we first fucked. And very in love.”

Ben looked at her with huge eyes, but then his gaze immediately changed as if already suspecting what was going through her mind.

“Do you remember our first time?”

“No,” she admitted. “But I do remember that…” she began giggling closing her eyes so that her eyelashes touched her cheeks. Ben was already mesmerised and very confused. Rey observed his face and coughed trying to stop herself from laughing.

“What I remember is me making myself look like an idiot. You were so kind to reject me and to not take advantage of me. When I saw those images in my head, I realised that our first time must have been romantic and sweet.  _ Special  _ like I wanted it to be. So now I am still asking myself… why the lie? What was the point of making me feel miserable about myself?”

Ben closed his eyes and shook his head remembering how she trembled that night and how nervous they were.

“I didn’t lie on purpose,” he admitted. “Our first time was truly beautiful, but we were both… well… virgins.”

“Aren’t you like… ten years older than me?”

“That’s not the point,” he finally chuckled. “To get rid of the tension, we… decided to pretend that our first time happened that night after Maz’s funeral because it ended up being a funny awkward moment we liked to tease each other about.”

His excuse seemed genuine this time, but something was still not quite right.

“So…” she squinted her eyes looking at him all suspicious and slightly offended. “Were you testing me?”

Ben bit his lip tasting the syrup from the peach. Was he? He had had his doubts regarding her identity, but that day he had no intention in making her uncomfortable. He would never hurt her on purpose. He  _ loved _ her.

“No. I swear I wasn’t. I just… forgot about it… like the entire context and everything. I should have known given your past reactions that you would be embarrassed by such behaviour. You were vulnerable back then as you were the day I told you. I took your playfulness as your personality from when you were my wife and got carried away.”

“I still  _ am _ your wife,” she corrected him accepting his explanation and apology.

“Right,” he agreed, but Rey figured out from his tone that there was still some irony left and he was not wrong to be ironic. She had missed half of their married life and didn’t even remember the rest.

“Ok,” she took another bite. “I believe you. I know it best how it’s like to forget things.”

Ben smiled at her joke and Rey had to fight her urge to jump on him and kiss those full lips. She bit her lip feeling somewhere between nervous and excited. When she came back just three hours before, she hoped for a smooth armistice between them, not to have her heart and entire body feel like that in his presence. The moment she saw him like a hurt puppy, she felt her entire body flooded with love and she could sense that it was not just pure compassion. It was actual love.

However, even though the things were going better than expected, they were still not there yet.

“I can’t remember everything, Ben,” she told him with a soft tone and serene face, “but what I do remember is that I chose  _ you _ and you chose  _ me _ . I can’t turn back the time and I’m not sure if I am ever going to remember absolutely everything… or perhaps the process of recovering will just take a little bit more time. But if you are willing to give me…  _ us _ a chance, I am also willing to fall in love with you again. I promise I will be less judgemental if you promise to be patient. And we both should be honest with each other.”

Ben bit the inside of his cheek. 

“Sounds fair.”

_ Great _ ! That was easy. Except… Ben stood up and went to the fridge. He grabbed a carton of milk and poured it all in two mugs, then placed the mugs inside the microwave and pressed a few buttons. He waited with his back still turned at her, giving Rey the opportunity to stare at his beautiful tall and slender body. She gulped when he turned around to put the mugs in front of her, then watched him go to the cupboard to get a box of cocoa.  _ Raw cocoa _ ? Rey turned her nose up. That husband of hers was clueless when it came to how one should prepare the best cocoa. He returned to his seat and put a teaspoon of cocoa in his milk, whereas Rey prefered her milk plain.

“I am going to start now.”

Rey had been so concentrated on the blasphemy Ben was drinking that she flinched startled when he spoke. She looked at him waiting for him to stop staring at her like an angry lion.  _ It’s just a shield _ , she reminded herself.

“Did you come back because Finn had to leave?”

_ Oh _ ! Rey shook her head refusing to play his self-destructive game. She was going to be honest and surprise him with her sincerity. 

“I could have left with him,” she admitted. “But I supposed I am still being investigated and it wouldn’t have been ok for me to vanish.”

She paused and looked at the lion. How could she have ever judged herself so harshly when even at that moment, still without her memories, she had that urge inside her to sit there and provoke him until he ‘attacked’ her with kisses and… more. She tried to ignore her thoughts and crazy hormones as she had no desire to blush again or stammer and tried to look serious as he did.

“I realised that my life is here with you and if I am supposed to start anew, I would rather do it with you.”

Ben’s gaze was still cold, but now that she knew that it was nothing but a shield she was not impressed at all. She caressed his bruised face and gave him a sad compassionate smile while observing the deep cut.

“My body loves you, Ben Solo. It longs after your touch and it’s jealous of Kaydel. This is my only truth. Now it is up to you if you want me back and to make our relationship work out. Or if you want to try at least.”

He was now avoiding her, but for the first time, she could clearly sense him and his emotions. She was breaking the wall reaching the boy from his mom’s stories.

Rey smiled triumphantly. It felt weird and unlike her, but she understood that she was not only making Ben’s true self coming to the surface. She was also slowly becoming the ‘old-new Rey’. The one who knew when to take the right card and put it down on the table. The one who knew how to defeat the king.

She got even closer, her tiny hand now grabbing his thigh.

“I know how much you suffered when your mom started forgetting things and especially you.”

Ben dropped his shield on his own. He let out a loud sob and clenched his fist on the table. His eyes were wide open and he kept blinking trying to not cry.

“Ben, but I did remember you. I remembered you from back when I was a girl who fell in love with you at first sight despite the age gap and distance, which broke my heart during my teen years. Even my last memory was of you sitting at the table in the pizza parlour and asking me about the brownies. I did remember you! ...Just not as my husband and I kept-“

“Stop! Just STOP THIS… MADNESS!” he lashed out at her startling her. Rey stood up quickly.

She hadn’t considered this outcome.

She had miscalculated everything.

Ben approached her and she stepped back until she bumped into the counter. He grabbed her chin and forced her to look at his anguished face.

“When did you become so… manipulative and wicked?”

_ Wasn’t I supposed to be like that? _ Rey furrowed confused. There were once again two forces fighting inside her. The one that sensed his anger and controlled her body - had the space not been so little, she would have escaped through the door - and the other one ready to calm him and force him to forgive her with a kiss and her body. She was… who was she? Her vision became blurry and saw herself hitting and scratching a door with her hands full of blisters and some bleeding broken nails. Then her hands were once again healed and her nails were perfect… and scratching Ben’s naked chest. His face was so beautiful and she could read the bliss he was enjoying as she was making love to him.

Rey blinked and looked at the Ben in front of her. She put her hand on his neck and pulled him to her level, then pressed her forehead against his.

“I love you, Ben Solo.”

She lifted her chin and kissed him on the lips.

“In all of my few memories, there is only you and me loving you like a fool.”

“Please stop,” he begged her. “You don’t mean it.”

“I know I was gone for three years as I told you back then and I don’t know what made me disappear, but I am here and I promise I won’t ever leave you again. And even if I did leave you because of some stupid reason and even if I can’t remember much, I want to make new memories… with you.”

Ben pulled away and returned to the table. She observed him punching the table with his fist, barely keeping herself from running to him and hugging him. Then she saw a mental image of him sitting on that exact chair and her straddling him while wearing his shirt.

She wanted those moments back.

She wanted  _ him  _ back.

“I…” she heard him say. “I didn’t even remember that thing you said about leaving until you came back and I saw you sleeping in that hospital bed. I thought of myself as the biggest idiot. I’ve never blamed you for the disappearance and I was the only one who never accepted your presumed death or infidelity. Yes, even your dear brother suggested these two possibilities.”

That hurt. She could forgive Finn not believing her when she first called him but jumping on the blame train? That hurt her more than anything. And something told her that Ben was not lying just to cause her pain.

“But you had some bruises and you were drugged, so that’s why even up to this day I’ve been trying to find you excuses. Though you don’t care about your medication, you don’t want to go to therapy, you act strangely, now you reject me and treat me as the devil incarnate, then you want us to get back together as soon as you find out about me selling the house. Not to mention how your memory is always sooo damn convenient. You just happen to remember the right thing at the right time when it comes to manipulating and hurting me, but never one damn mention of what happened to you. You talk about honesty, but what am I supposed to believe, Rey? As soon as I approach you, you just stab me in the heart and I can no longer play this game.”

Back when she was a teenager and had an epiphany that her dream man, Ben Solo, would never be hers, Rey Kanata’s heart broke into a million pieces. She eventually gathered all those pieces and put them back together. When she met him again, an earthquake occurred inside her chest and she feared that her heart would break again. Except that Ben glued all those pieces and used parts of his own heart to replace the missing bits. Now, it seemed that he wanted them back and by taking them back, her heart would shatter again.

“I am not giving up on you or us and it’s not fair for you to give up on me and us now.”

He didn’t even look at her. Rey shook her head disappointed.

“It’s just not  _ fair _ ! You’re  _ all  _ I have!”

She heard Ben sobbing as her voice cracked. She was no longer willing to beg him, but seeing his shoulder shake and hearing him cry like a child broke her heart.

“Please, Ben… give it more time. Give us more time. It’s too early to give up.”

He shook his head and Rey ran enraged to the table. She was too crying, but her anger and frustration were stronger than her pain at that moment. She took everything off the table and counter and threw them in the kitchen sink. She was about to throw the brownies in the trash can - they were not that great anyway - when Ben grabbed her by the wrist and stopped her.

“Don’t.”

Her vision was blurry from the tears, but she could see that he had wiped his tears, though his face was still reddish.

“This was the first time you made me your special brownies,” he said taking the tray and putting it back on the table. Rey blinked feeling as if in a silly sitcom or a theatre of the absurd play. However, she still found herself asking:

“How come?”

“You’ve always said that you want to keep the recipe for a special occasion. After you disappeared, I looked through the pantry and cabinets and found a can of peaches in syrup, rum and a pack of coconut flakes.”

The conversation was silly and meaningless, just water under the bridge, yet there was something there of great importance coming with that piece of information.

“Then… then we must have had something important to celebrate?”

Ben shrugged.

“Perhaps. But you are the only one who could ever know.”

They were supposed to celebrate something, which meant that... She looked at Ben leaving the kitchen and parted her lips.

“Ben, wait!” she ran after him. He stopped obediently.

“This also means that it was never my intention to leave you.”

Her husband kept his mouth shut like always and entered their bedroom. Rey sighed and returned to finish cleaning up. Half an hour later, everything looked the same as before her return, except for the brownies placed under a bell jar on the counter. She wiped her sweaty palms on her leggings and turned off the lights, returning to her bedroom. She slammed the door and threw herself on the bed.

Ironically, she finally felt at home.

She turned on her back and looked at the ceiling, whereas her fingers were toying with a bottle of pills.

She furrowed.

Her pills were in the gym bag on the sofa in the living room. She grabbed the bottle and looked at it.

Sleeping pills.

And they were not hers. None of the bottles on the nightstand was hers. And the bed was messy and it smelled like… him. Even his clothes were lying on a chair.

She turned her head just as Ben entered the room. He looked at her with a surprised face, then he avoided her gaze with an embarrassed look on his face.

“I… Sorry…”

He was shirtless and gorgeous. And he had been sleeping in  _ her  _ bed, while she was away. She waited for him to find some lame excuse, but he seemed to not be able to find the perfect lie, so she stood up and crossed her legs.

Ben cleared his throat.

“I… umm… if you want to help me, I can move to the other guest room. The bed there needs a bed sheet and the pillow a case, and I can’t use my arm so…”

Rey lifted her eyebrow. Now she was indeed curious about why had happened to their bedroom.

“Or…” she said with a low voice. “You can stay here.”

“Umm… ok. Thanks. But the other guest bedroom still needs a bedsheet and pillowcase. They’re-”

“Oh, no,” she chuckled. “I’m not moving there or in the master bedroom. I’m staying here.”

Ben furrowed confused.

“But you said-”

“I know what I said, Ben Solo. The bed here is big enough for two people. We'll have to share it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to the 'Through Glass' song by Stone Sour (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIzDsGyxsQM) and is the same song Rey was listening to when Ben realized that he was not alone in the house.


	10. The Blackest Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter has a mild smut scene.

Now that she was paying attention, the ceiling of that guest bedroom used to have something painted on it. Right next to the chandelier she could spot a bluebird and, farther away, a dove carrying an olive branch. She stretched her arm pointing her finger at the various shapes. Somewhere in a corner, there was a bunny with a fluffy tail and in the opposite corner some tulips. Perhaps a bouquet? One tied with a red ribbon that lead to a book, where it became its bookmark.

Rey smiled and watched her hand getting swallowed by the gigantic hand of her new improvised pillow. Ben took her hand and brought it to his mouth, then kissed her fingers gently. She cuddled at his chest, inviting him to caress her naked body. 

He giggled satisfied.

“Was it ok? You’ve been terribly quiet.”

Rey sighed relaxed, feeling his other hand cup her breast.

“Yeah…” she murmured. “I just lost my voice after what you’ve done to me.”

She turned on her stomach and looked at his delicious lips. She kissed his jaw, then laid her head back on his chest, tracing circles around his nipple.

“I love you, Ben Solo,” she whispered with her entire body still sensitive after the all the pleasure Ben gave her. She bit her lip and moaned. His warm hands slid sensuously over bareback as if asking for permission. His hand reached the sensitive skin at her nape and massaged it slowly. Once her body turned into marmalade, his hand slid down her spine and reached her butt, squeezing it. She giggled and turned back on her back, which was exactly what he wanted in the first place, as he immediately lowered his mouth and licked a circle around her nipple. He proceeded with sucking it between his lips forcing a moan to escape her sweet mouth. He prevented another one from escaping by covering her mouth with his and distracting her while he moved between her legs and slid into her. Rey gasped as he began thrusting into her repeatedly.

“Ben,” she uttered as he thrust again, much harder and deeper, reaching the right spot and making her let out a long cry. Ben arched his back and let out a loud groan.

“Ben,” Rey uttered again. “There is someone at the front door.”

Ben sucked in his breath, then kissed her forehead and got out of the bed. Rey watched him put his pyjama pants back on and then leave.

“I’ll come back, sweetheart. I promise.”

She smiled at him, then sighed and stretched her arms and legs like a satisfied cat once the door closed behind him.

There was also a basket of fruit on the ceiling, but the red was barely visible anymore. The wooden beams were too old and dark. She counted again all the figurines trying to keep herself from sliding her hand between her legs and robbing Ben of his favourite responsibility. But she couldn’t have concentrated on pleasing herself anyway. Something inside her chest was telling her that such a late-night visit was no good omen.

She got out of the bed and put her nightgown back on, then snuck out, ignoring the fluid still dripping down her thigh. She wandered through the house like a ghost until she saw Ben fallen to his knees on the porch, crying, as a cop was talking to Mrs Leia’s nurse, Rose.

“It was a hit and run, but she was standing too close to the edge of the ravine. She might have survived the accident, but the impact threw her right-”

“Why was she there?” Ben cried. “She was supposed to be in her bedroom, sleeping.”

“Mr Solo, I swear to you that I put her to bed myself.”

“Some people saw her and talked to her. They found it weird to have an elderly woman wander around past midnight in her dressing gown. It seems that she was looking for someone named ‘Han’. Do you have any idea who that might be?”

Rey let out a pathetic whimper and Ben’s eyes met hers. And at that moment she knew that they only had each other and that it would take a lot of time and care to keep Ben away from his father’s gun hidden in the left drawer from Mrs Leia’s old writing desk or from driving his car into the first tree. She would not lose Ben and she would not allow him to succumb to pain and guilt ever again. Not when he gave her everything during her darkest times.

***

Rey opened her eyes awaken by her own sob. She wiped her tears and looked outside the window. It was pitch dark, yet there was light in the room. She turned her head following the light source and found Ben sitting on a chair next to the nightstand and lit lamp. He was not reading or doing anything that required him to be awake at that late hour and with the lights on. He was just staring at her.

“What time is it?” she asked with a sleepy hoarse voice.

“Around 4 am, I guess.”

She sighed and turned on her left side to look at him better. After their failed reconciliation and terrible fight, fate and irony made it so that they had to share the bed, even though there was a large chasm between them. Ben had eventually taken his tablet and read an ebook for the rest of the day and she had watched a movie marathon. Ben ended up being the first to fall asleep, as she noticed once he started snoring, and, after a while, her own eyes began to close on their own.

It must have been around nine when she woke up and turned off the TV… and looked at Ben sleeping peacefully. She approached him to look once again at his wound but ended up caressing his face and kissing his forehead.

She didn’t remember the rest, but she could safely presume that she went back to sleep to dream… that.

“Why are you awake?” she asked him yawning.

“My arm hurts,” he said still staring at her. “I hope I didn’t wake you up. You seemed to… have fun.”

Rey was ready to shake her head as a response to his first remark, but she ended up staring back at him and at his playful devilish smile. Was he… did he know… how?

She got up hastily and furrowed.

“You talk in your sleep.”

Rey exhaled and blinked perplexed. She barely found her words to finally ask him on an unintentionally high pitched tone:

“What did I say?”

Ben smiled again, then chuckled.

“Something like  _ harder _ ? Or was it  _ harder, Ben, harder _ ? It was difficult to understand your words as your moans were more… distracting.”

Rey felt her cheeks burning red. Seeing her so embarrassed, Ben coughed trying to regain his seriousness.

“May I ask what exactly were you dreaming?”

She pouted.

“I think it’s quite obvious.”

“No, I mean… was it a dream or a memory?”

She looked at him with a sudden sadness in her eyes. Despite his previous playfulness, he had a vulnerable look and she was not sure whether it was safe to bring that up again. She threw herself back on her pillow and tried to sound as detached as possible. 

“I don’t know. Were we making love when the police came to announce your mother’s death?”

This time Ben’s face did not need his own actual help to become serious. His lips thinned in a firm line and he blinked trying his best not to look distressed. 

“Yeah… I think so.”

Rey looked at his shoulder-length hair and stubble. He had really matured in those years she could not remember. Her teen self fell for an awkward skinny boy, but adult her fell for someone more complex. A gorgeous man she would kiss all day and spend each second by his side and do everything together. 

“What’s going through your mind?” he smirked.

_ Too many things to even make sense of at least one to ask you about. _

“Why do you hate me?”

Ben tilted his head and smirked again. He was much calmer and even though she was a little afraid of making him angry again, she was feeling comfortable enough to ask him questions about their relationship and feelings.

“I don’t hate you.”

His voice was low and manly and it made her feel strange and nice at the same time. It was as if they hadn’t argued so terribly just a couple of hours prior.

“I hurt you.”

She was expecting him to remain impassive or keep his mouth shut, but he actually nodded. Was he that upset about their last argument or was he referring to everything… ever?

“Yes,” he uttered. “But I’ve decided to give it a chance.”

“What?” she smiled not believing her ears.

“Us. Remembering my mom and dad I realized that perhaps there’s a reason why I’m still here and we got to meet again.”

He avoided looking at her, but Rey knew in her heart that he was trying his best to not look vulnerable or at least more than he already did. She decided herself to not move from her very comfortable side of the bed and just listen quietly and patiently.

“I think of myself as a  _ reasonable  _ man aaand… I’ve wanted you back for so long that it would be stupid of me to give up on us at this point.”

“So you trust me?”

Ben’s eyes finally met hers.

“I’ve always trusted you. Now I am only going to choose to keep on trusting you. In case you are indeed not honest, shame on you for being cruel and on me for being an idiot. But I have nothing else to lose so far.” 

That was less of the romantic declaration of love she had hoped for, but given their previous encounter, she had actually hoped for nothing so far. It was surprising for her that he actually changed his mind in the first place. He seemed so vehement about rejecting her before.

"What now?" he chuckled. “It’s so unlike you to be so quiet.”

"Nothing,” she whispered. “It's just that I wasn't expecting you to change your mind so soon. You seemed so vehement yesterday."

"I was rude," he admitted. "I was out of character too. And I apologize for scaring you. Not that anything I told you was untrue, but…"

He made a long pause and Rey began giggling until she burst into laughter. Ben looked at her confused but ended up giggling as well.

"So that's it?" asked Rey later ignoring that he was still suspicious of her and her intentions. "Are we finally going to be… fine?”

“We can try.”

Rey licked her lips and got up again. He was barely keeping his eyes open, so she patted on the bed, inviting him back in. As expected, he was hesitant for a moment, but then he snuck under the duvet next to her.

“May I hug you?” she asked him with serenity.

Ben’s eyes grew wide.

“I… um… sure?” He looked at his broken arm and furrowed. “Should we switch places?”

“No need.”

Rey pulled him closer and placed his head on her chest, between her breasts. His hair was so thick, soft and shiny that she could not help but play with it, twirling the long strands around her fingers and braiding it. After a while, she finally felt him relax in her arms, so she lowered her mouth and kissed his head.

“So what exactly were you dreaming?” Ben asked after, still not asleep even if his eyes were closed.

“Us… making love. Or at least part of it.”

“The night mom died?”

She nodded, but immediately remembered that he could not see her.

“Yeah… do you remember it?”

“Vaguely,” he admitted. “It was such a shock that everything from that night is still blurry.”

“I can remind you about everything.”

Ben lifted his chin to look at her and Rey understood from his playful smile that there was a certain unintended yet implied proposal in what she said. 

“I mean,” she uttered embarrassed despite the fact that the idea did not sound that bad in her mind. “What I wanted to say is that I can tell you about my dreams and visions and you can tell me how accurate they are or if there is any truth in them.”

“I am not sure if I am that reliable.”

“You know me best.”

“Do I?”

Anything she could say or do could lead to another argument and that was the thing she wanted to avoid the most. She was already not particularly sure about everything she was experiencing, including that moment, which was too good to be true. Therefore, she decided to take no offence, if there was any, and take his words as him seeking approval, not an accusal. Rey kissed his head again, then stretched her arm to turn off the lamp.

“Ben?” she whispered his name once the light was off, checking if he was still awake. For a moment, it seemed that he had already fallen asleep until he finally uttered a ‘yes’. Rey stretched out her hand and groped until she found his hand to squeeze for assurance. 

“Please tell me what happened the night I went missing.”

***

“Look! This is perfect for your Halloween costume!”

Ben threw the now empty bag of salted caramel popcorn and looked at his wife pointing at some weird mask. It was actually more of a helmet than a mask, a black one with a silver inlay. Whoever would wear that thing could either not be seen at all or see nothing himself. 

Rey pressed the last piece of cotton candy between her fingers then looked at him with that mischievous gaze of hers, making him curse her for turning him on on purpose with such little effort. He licked the salted caramel off his lips and shrugged.

“And what are you suggesting, my love?”

Rey grinned then turned to talk to the bored college kid playing on his phone.

“How much for that mask?”

“It’s a battle gear, ma’am. You need 600 points to purchase it.”

Rey turned to face her husband.

“How about a challenge? Let’s see who wins more points.”

Ben rolled his eyes, but eventually joined her. He paid the boy and grabbed a blaster. They both shot at the starfighters and freighters until Rey rose her fist up in the air and jumped triumphantly. Ben put the blaster down and shook his head laughing at her enthusiasm. 

“I want the bloody mask.”

The boy pulled a box out from under the counter and handed her a brand new helmet.

“You still have 200 points left and his too.”

Ben opened his mouth, but Rey was quicker than him.

“We’ll also take those handcuffs.”

“They’re binders, ma’am.”

Rey rolled her eyes and just took their second prize, then left as a group of preteens were gathering around and pushing them to reach the blasters. She giggled and pushed Ben in the chest with the helmet. He took it and look at it confused.

“Was this an excuse to humiliate me or do you really want me to have a more complex Halloween costume next year?”

Rey giggled and hugged his arm.

“Neither. But I do think it would look great on you.”

“Is my face that ugly?”

She punched him in the chest finally forcing him to giggle.

“No, silly! With this and your costume, you can kidnap me and take me far away from here without being seen by anyone.”

“Aham. And then?”

“After we get to your lair, you can tie my hands with these,” she showed him the binders. “And then you can do to me whatever you want.”

Ben coughed trying to not look embarrassed. Rey let go of his arm and did a slow spin with her arms wide open, watching the snowflakes falling peacefully. She was so ecstatic, that she was barely paying attention to where she was going. The ground was slippery and every couple of booths there were cables like the one Rey did not notice. She was caught right before stumbling and falling to the ground. She turned and put her arms around Ben’s neck and kissed him, ignoring his disapproving face.

“My hero.”

“What’s with you?” he kissed her back while pulling her away from the crowded path and hiding between an old tree and a booth.

“You’ve been so grumpy lately and now you’re so-”

“I just had a wonderful night. Tonight and last night as well.”

Ben pressed his forehead against hers. Her cheeks were red from the cold weather, almost as red as her scarf. And his were red too, but from being reminded of how passionate his wife had been the previous night. His scratch marks were still stinging. 

“Did anything happen today? You haven’t told me where you’d been.”

Her smile faded away and she shook her head.

“Just work stuff. Trying to find clients and the usual… stuff.”

“But we have enough clients so far.”

Rey shrugged.

“Yeah, but you know that after New Year’s Eve, until Valentine’s Day things are a bit slower. I went to see if I can get some clients for baby showers or some weddings.”

Ben caressed her cold cheek.

“Or maybe we could take advantage of that month and take some time to enjoy ourselves. Perhaps go on a trip?”

Rey avoided his gaze.

“I am not sure about a trip, but maybe we could use some time locked inside and doing nothing. Well…” she looked at the mask again. “Almost nothing.” 

They kissed once more.

“I love you so damn much, Ben Solo.”

Her eyes were melting his heart and making his body feel hot despite the low temperatures.

“Do you wanna go home right now or do you still want to wait for the concert?”

She got on her toes to kiss his jaw and bit him playfully.

“You won’t rob me of a free concert, Ben-Ben.”

“Fine,” he laughed. “Then we should at least get warm and not freeze to death before the first song.”

“Why won’t you go get some of that delicious spiced mulled wine?”

“I can’t drink,” he became serious. “You know I can’t drink and drive.”

She nodded and gave him a compassionate smile, then sighed amused.

“You… you’re right. I shouldn’t be drinking either.”

“I can get you some wine. There’s no-”

“No, I should avoid alco… umm… I… I want to be sober tonight when you take me by force and fuck me hard.”

“Oh my, Rey!” he covered her mouth with his large palm. “There are children around here.”

Rey chuckled and shrugged unapologetically.

“I think they have some tea too,” he added trying to change the subject. “But I am out of cash.”

Rey took off her tiny scarlet bag and handed it to Ben.

“Here. There’s some change left in the inner pocket.”

“Aren’t you coming with me?”

“No. I need to go to the toilet. My hands are sticky and I need to pee. But I’ll see you by the cotton candy machine. Ok?”

“Sure.”

Ben smiled at his wife and watched her leave and head towards the toilets placed close to the entrance, behind the first booths and carousel. Never did it cross his mind that that would be the last time he would see his wife.

The queue was long and it took him at least 15 minutes to get two cups of tea, so he had expected to find Rey bored and eating her fourth cotton candy, but by the machine was no one except for the vendor, who told him that he had only served mothers and children in the past half an hour. He decided to wait for her and so he did until the tea became unbearably cold. He threw his empty cup and her cold tea in the trash can and began looking around for her.

The concert was beginning, so he searched for her by the stage and in the crowd gathered there, then he went to the toilet in case she was feeling sick and was still there, but the cleaning lady told him that they were all empty. He checked all the booths one by one and called out her name, but once the first round of fireworks announced the beginning of the concert, he couldn’t even hear his own voice anymore.

He went to the parking lot, but his car was there, as the key and Rey’s phone were in her purse, the one he was still holding. She couldn’t have taken a taxi without money and a phone, but maybe she got lost and found someone to take her back home. He got in the car and drove back home only to find the place like they left it just a couple of hours prior. Ben decided to go back to the winter fair, where he kept on looking for her and calling her name until the last round of fireworks and the people packing their things and closing the booths announced the end of the fair for that night. Ben returned to the cotton candy machine and waited there asking people about Rey and showing them her photo on his phone. No one knew anything and some of those knowing her from their business confirmed once more that they had not seen her at all that night.

Once the place completely emptied and a security guard came to him to ask him to leave in order to lock up the place, Ben finally realised that he had a strange pain in his chest, which was not a sign of a panic attack, but an omen.

He had to call Luke

***

Rey stared at the ceiling listening to the cadence of Ben’s breath as he was sleeping. She had hoped his story would trigger some memories of her disappearance or at least of that day, but her mind was numb and she had not been able to sleep at all. Part of her wanted to wake Ben up and ask him to make love to her, desperate for some familiarity, but another part wanted to go out in the woods and find that lake and look for clues herself. Something was off about his story, but they had promised to trust each other and it would not have been fair to break her promise so soon. It was a miracle that she hadn’t been woken up by Ben to ask her to pack her things and leave in the first place. That argument had left her with a bitter taste. She had been indeed manipulative and now she knew that it was something out of her character, but still… she must have had a reason to behave like that. 

She moved slowly and carefully, trying to not wake her husband up and got out of the bed, sneaking out of the bedroom. She pondered the possibilities and was almost decided to go take a shower and then go downstairs to get her gym bag, but something else was calling her. She headed towards the master bedroom door as if hypnotized and got inside. Her fingers knew exactly where the light switch was and turned on the light not being entirely sure what she had been expecting to see. It was just… mess. A lot of mess. 

A couple of empty bottles of wine were on the floor and she kicked one of whiskey. Also empty. 

The lamps were on the floor and next to them a lot of empty bottles of pills. 

Some drawers were lying on the floor as well and the things that used to be inside them were thrown all over the place. 

Rey got on her knees and picked up a ring. It was a wedding ring and judging by its size, it was Ben’s. Still holding it and playing with it by putting it on her index finger, she looked at the bed. One of the pillows was on the nightstand, where the lamp used to be, and the other one was stuck behind the headboard. And in the middle of the bed, there was a wedding dress. One that she  _ knew  _ that it used to belong to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to Lana del Rey's 'The Blackest Day' song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04PK6uIfae0)


	11. The stars are not always visible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writer's block is quite obvious in this chapter.

“Is she… _ Please… please, don’t do this… _”

The man shushed both her and the cooing creature in his arms.

“_ It’s the only way, sweetheart. _”

Rey woke up panting and kicking. The air in the room was suffocatingly hot and she was all sweaty. She knew she had dreamt more, but all she could remember for the moment was that last exchange between her and the blurry man. She did not remember him or what or whom he was holding in his arms or anything else for the matter. Just that chilling tone. He spoke with compassion and warmth, but she still felt an excruciating pain in her entire body and the fear… that terrible fear paralysing her. And also sadness. The type you feel when your heart breaks, but you are aware that you can’t turn back the time and all is done and permanent. In fact, rather than sadness, it was more of an emptiness completed with a cup of frustration and a teaspoon of desperation. 

“This thing is getting too damn annoying,” she murmured, her nostrils flaring. She got out of the bed and began undressing, throwing her pyjamas on the floor. Even her hair was getting annoying, so she took one of her velvet scrunchies from the gym bag and tied her hair up in a messy bun. She was trying to tame some rebellious strands with a few bobby pins when she realized that she had never brought her gym bag up in that bedroom. Nor did she leave her phone on the nightstand. Nor did she bring that large pink striped box left on the chair where Ben sat… 

“Ben…” she whispered.

“Yes?”

She turned around swiftly and their eyes met just as Ben was entering into the room. He stood there, frozen, looking at her naked body. He gulped and his lips thinned in a firm line. Rey did nothing to hide her body and it seemed that her feeling comfortable like that was a silent invitation for him to approach her. Only a few centimetres were keeping them apart from each other. She licked her lips and looked at his. So plump and tempting. They would feel so good between her…

Rey blushed and cleared her throat and so did Ben, now both avoiding each other’s gaze.

“You have a silk robe in your nightstand drawer.”

Rey turned around quickly and in a couple of seconds, she was almost dressed.

“What’s with the box?” she asked trying to make small talk and to get Ben to look at her again.

“It’s for you.”

“Oh!” she smiled flattered. “Like a gift?”

“No?”

“Oh…”

Her disappointed face made him grab the box hastily, hurting his arm with his recklessness. He shut his eyes in pain, ready to hear the content falling all over the floor. Yet, once he fluttered his eyelashes, he found Rey holding the box herself. It was not as heavy as suggested by its volume, yet too big for someone with a bandaged arm to carry even… how did he even carry it to her bedroom in the first place? Rey looked at him with worried eyes, but still uttered a shy ‘thank you’, then sat on the bed and opened the box without wasting any more time. She was not sure what she to expect to find there, but once the lid was on the floor, she knew that regardless of any possible expectations, none of them would have been met by what she found.

“Are these-”

“All the photos missing from the house are here, as well some others we liked and had them printed.”

Rey took one of the photos and analysed the white wedding dress. It was flowy and simple, with a certain touch of vintage. It was most certainly not the dress she had found on the bed. The A-line figure, the bishop sleeves and plunging neckline, none of them had anything to do with the sexy sleeveless V-collar lace gown she saw just a couple of hours prior.

“Is this me?”

Ben nodded.

“After Maz died, you kept some of her belongings and that dress was in a box. It fitted you perfectly.”

His voice was so soft and when Rey peeked, she noticed him smiling at another photo of them kissing at their wedding. She wished she were able to share his emotion and joy, but all she felt was a huge pressure that kept her from breathing properly. She wanted to cry and scream but was too conflicted to even react. 

“Rey?” she heard Ben’s worried voice calling her after a while. She blinked waking up from the trance and started breathing again. Eventually, she put down the photo, then grabbed the entire pile and stacked each one of them, placing them on the nightstand.

“I’ll look at them later. It is so much to process,” she mumbled, then she tucked her hair behind her ears and pulled out two old books with wrinkled covers. _ Anne of Green Gables _ and _ James and the Giant Peach _. Her favourite book and… his favourite book. Somehow she knew it, even without a proper visual image inside her head. She just knew it.

“Why are they here and not in the bookcase?”

“I stored most of our books in other boxes I planned to give away. These two were too precious to risk losing them. Having my book with me meant having a reminder of my best childhood moments, and having yours meant… having you. Always remembering you and your so expressive face each time you read it. They were supposed to be our heirloom for our children and grandchildren.”

_ Children _?

She put them - or more likely dropped them - next to the box and looked at the only remaining thing.

“What’s this?” she said pulling out the heavy object.

“Your scrapbook.”

A _ scrapbook _?

“You mean a diary?”

“No. A scrapbook. You filled it with pictures, recipes, notes, samples from when we decorated the house and so on.”

Rey furrowed and brushed the tip of her fingers against the dusty pink velvet, then opened it. The first page had a photo of the same wedding dress from her wedding photos. On her face, she had drawn a yellow sun and written “Gah! I was so ugly that day!:(”, whereas at the bottom she had drawn a white heart over which she wrote “BS + RK”. Next to the large photo, there were two other smaller ones. One of a bouquet of white tulips with the word “YES” written in a corner and a white tulip drawn in the opposite corner. The other one, the third photo, was another cut out from a magazine, illustrating a white cake decorated with blackberries and lilac flowers. She had written “peaches?” above the cake. And finally, a post-it note with the words “Solo | mr & ms” and some sweets scribbled on it.

“Did we have a peach flavoured wedding cake?” she asked very serious.

“Of course,” she heard him say while still staring at the photos.

“And the white tulips?”

“White tulips with lavender and lilac. The same as your flower crown. You can check in our wedding photos.”

Rey shook her head.

“I don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“These,” she waved her hand at her belongings. “They all are so me, but the me inside this house is not the same. How could we even afford this place? I was a freaking baker and you were a… you worked in a hotel.”

Ben snorted.

“I actually quitted to help you with the business.”

Rey waved her hand again.

“See? I can’t believe I was that selfish to spend so much money on ridiculous although gorgeous stuff and even had you-”

“It’s not like that,” he interrupted her. “I quitted because I wanted to and also decided to help you on my own. I bought the house with the money I had saved up for years for a place of my own and some of the money I got from selling my mom’s house.”

“And the cafe?”

“I inherited the place from my dad.”

“It’s not mine?” she furrowed.

“You wanted to buy it from me with your half of what you and Finn got after selling Maz’s house and after you paid all the debts, but you left him your half and I…” he chuckled. “I really wanted you to be happy.”

Of course he did. Because the Ben she did not remember, the one behind the wall, was dedicated to the Rey he married. She bit the inside of her cheek and searched every corner of her mind for something to keep her from jumping in his arms.

“And all the furniture and decorations?” she uttered barely capable of keeping her eyes away from his jawline and full lips. “And the clothes? I should have probably sold thousands of scones to buy at least one of those things in the dressing room.”

Ben tried to not laugh and so he just smiled.

“Most of the furniture pieces are my work. I refurbished some of the furniture from both our old homes to make them more modern. The decorations were either wedding gifts, heirlooms or things you found on sale online. And the clothes were also on sale or gifts from our clients. Don’t get it wrong, Rey. Our business was not a huge franchise or anything, but the profit was nice. Besides, I still had money in the bank, so we were able to afford some nice things there and then. Things got bad once you were gone and I… there was no one taking care of the business and making money. And all I had went to detectives and urgent bills, so I had to declare bankruptcy and sell the cafe, which was still on _ my _ name. Then I even had to sell my car, though yours is still in the garage, as it is on _ your _name. Your car and our house were the only things I couldn’t sell.”

It was not the first time Ben was telling her this, but now, with more details out of his mouth, she was finally seeing things clearly. She was no longer conflicted. Oh, no. She was furious. Angry at whatever was the reason that made her miss and lose all of those things. Not only did she not remember anything, but she had no chance of getting them back. They completed each other and worked together to form their own home far away from home and their own new family and all of that was gone.

Their own _ new _family…

“Rey…” 

She finally heard her own sob and felt Ben’s large hand caressing her head. 

“It’s ok, sweetheart. It’s all going to be ok.”

_ Sweetheart _!

She suddenly lifted her head, startling him, and looked at him with huge teary eyes.

“Do we have a baby?”

“What?”

He did not seem to process her question.

“A daughter? Do we have a daughter?”

Ben furrowed.

“A son?”

He shook his head and let his hand fall in her lap, allowing Rey to grab his index finger in her tiny fist. The gesture was similar to the one of a baby grasping at its parent’s touch, but there was nothing voluntary about it. It was just perhaps another instance of destiny and coincidence toying with them.

“There is no baby… _ child _in this house, Rey. We had some slips at first, but we always used protection.”

Indeed, there was nothing in the house to give away the presence of a child. Therefore, the news of at least not having lost the memories of her as a mother and even years with her firstborn made her a little bit less uneasy, though she was still not satisfied with his answer. She bit her lip and tilted her head, lifting his hand and placing it on her face, inviting him to caress her, which he did.

“I dreamt something. I could swear that it was your voice trying to calm me down. And I was begging you something and then there was something cooing.”

Ben’s face was serene and slightly confused. He had no idea what she was talking about.

“So it never happened?”

He shrugged and pinched her cheek, finally making her smile even for only a moment.

“I told you that I am not the most reliable person, but I truly have no idea what you’re talking about. Perhaps…”

“Yes?” Rey looked at him clinging onto any clue of her past.

“Maybe it’s something from your childhood before Maz adopted you and the memories got mixed up.”

“But you were in my dream too,” she lied, as she could not confirm the identity of the man in her dream or even find any similarities between the two.

“I understand this,” he scratched his forehead close to where his wound was healing. “I did have to put down my mom’s old cat. She was sick and in so much pain, so I had to do it despite being so attached to her. Sometimes it is better letting it go.”

“Oh…”

It now made sense and she should have been glad that it was not the horrible thing she thought about in the first place. However, she knew that she could never completely recover until she truly knew the entire truth.

She ignored that painful last words of his and the skin burning where he had touched her.

“Did we… did we discuss having children?”

“Not really. Apart from the thing with the books and the usual jokes each time we used to protection, we didn’t really have that much time to go there. We were still quite newlyweds.”

Oh, yeah. Because she missed pretty much most of their marriage. She missed making love to him, holding his hand, enjoying their talks and all the little insignificant things in their marriage.

“I don’t want to see you sad.”

“I just thought that everything would be so much easier once I had all the means to remember the past years, but it’s not. It’s… it’s worse.”

She heard Ben sigh and felt the mattress move once he got up. 

“Rey?”

“Yes?”

He added nothing, so she lifted her head almost grazing her nose. She took the object he was handing her and looked at it.

“Another scrapbook?” she chuckled with sarcasm.

Ben shook his head and sat on the bed, closer to her. Too close.

“Hence you aren’t willing to go to therapy, you could at least write down your thoughts and any new stuff you remember.”

She pulled out the pen hidden in the spine and looked at her husband with judgy eyes.

“Is anyone else going to read it?”

“It’s all yours. Your diary. If you ever feel like sharing anything with a therapist or even me, feel free to do it. You can always trust in me.”

“I know.”

Rey opened the diary and stared at the first blank page trying to remember her first flashback. The one with her and Ben meeting once again was just the last memory she had left of them. She wrote down ‘pizza parlour - Finn, Poe and I - Ben passes by and sits at our table, asks about brownies’ and underlined the sentence. She lifted and turned the notebook around showing it to Ben.

“It’s ok?”

Ben squinted his eyes, then snorted.

“Your notes? Probably ok. Your calligraphy in exchange…”

“My what?” she furrowed. She was beginning to become as grumpy as her husband.

“Your calligraphy, Rey,” he pointed at the messy letters. “I taught you cursive.”

“Cursive?”

“Yes,” he said changing his position so that he could cover her hand with his. “We move the pen heeeere and you lean your hand to the right. Liiiike thaaat.”

Rey watched as her hands were getting rid of the childish letters by replacing them with the beautiful cursive ones. She gasped fascinated as her hand seemed to suddenly remember them.

“Thank you,” she uttered admiring each curl forming the sentence ‘Mr and Mrs Solo’. She was ready to write something else, now without Ben’s help, perhaps another of her flashbacks, when she felt her cheeks burning red.

“Ben?” she called him.

“Yes?”

“Have we… did we… I mean… in this room?”

“What?” he laughed at her red cheeks, already guessing her question, but still teasing her with an innocent face.

“Have we ever made love in this room?”

Ben touched his front teeth with the tip of his tongue.

“Yes.”

“And in other places that are not our bedroom?” insisted Rey even redder.

“Yes.”

“Where exactly?” she stressed the words focusing on each of his microexpressions. He seemed like a tomcat ready to distract her with adorable ‘meows’ in order to steal her grilled fish.

“Everywhere.”

She covered her mouth in shock.

“Even in the living room?”

“Yes.”

“The kitchen?”

“Yes.”

Rey exhaled loudly, then inhaled a breath of air as if to cool down her cheeks.

“Is there a place we haven’t made love in?”

“The roof?” 

“The roof?” she blinked perplexedly. “So that means… the balcony, the porch, the garage?”

Ben kept nodding with each word, as her eyes grew wider. His smile was indeed a little bit mischievous and she was beginning to consider the possibility of her husband just making fun of her. But the butterflies in her stomach and the warm feeling between her legs seemed to confirm his words. She was still very naked under that robe. If only she got closer and convinced him to put his hands on her waist, lifting her and pulling her onto his lap… 

“I need to go back to my work, but I am downstairs if you need me.”

She sighed and returned to her diary, doing nothing to keep him from leaving. She could use some time on her own to put all on paper.

‘pizza parlour - Finn, Poe and I - Ben passes by and sits at our table, asks about brownies’

‘Ben and I making love in the guest bedroom’

She bit the pen and started chewing on it. 

_ “Harder… Harder!” _

She traced the shape of her lips with the wet pen. _ Ben… _Was she horny? She had dreamt as a stupid teenager about making sweet love to him once she was older, just like the people in auntie Maz’s soap operas used to. But they were merely making out under the sheets. There was no actual passion or anything else to suggest a sexual act apart from the fact that it was supposed to represent one in the most family-friendly manner. Not that she would know how to make out with him anyway or please them the way she did in any of her flashbacks. Was it enough just to lay on her back?

She dropped the pen and dug her nails in her neck, letting her hand slip further, between her breasts, on her abdomen, tummy and finally between her legs. She pressed her fingers, sensing the wet core. She kept on pressing, cooing at the pleasant growing feeling from inside her womb. She bit her lip imagining her husband touching her, his lips pressed against her skin and his teeth nibbling on her nipples.

“Ah!” she panted as the fire inside her womb scorched her entire body. It was amazing. The warmth, the lack of control over one’s own body, the… the emptiness left by not having someone hug her and kiss her after such a wonderful moment.

Rey took a deep breath and peaked at the stack of photos piled on her nightstand. There was so much work to do before even daring to ask Ben to approach her like that. Or perhaps… 

She stretched her arm to grab a few photos but pulled it back with a disgusted gasp.

Rey went downstairs a little bit later, wiggling her hips. She needed to do some shopping as soon as possible and she needed money. It was humiliating to not even have money for tampons and to find herself in the position of using cotton balls and of asking for permission to go out, but she was still not safe, no matter how oblivious she was when it came to her missing years.

She stopped at the bottom of the staircase. Not because she was unsure where to exactly find Ben, but because she had heard that voice before. She headed towards the living room and found Kaydel on the sofa, writing on a laptop and eating one of her special brownies.

Rey cleared her throat, making the young woman look at her.

“Oh, hi! Welcome back!” she smiled kindly.

Did she actually have the guts to welcome her back in her own damn home? When the last fight between her and Ben before leaving the house was nothing but her fault.

“What are _ you _doing here?”

Kaydel rolled her eyes and chuckled at her hostility, making Rey even more upset. How dare she? How dare _ Ben _? 

“Where is my husband?”

“In the study, doing a video conference with his boss and co-workers..”

Rey chewed on her lower lip and tapped her right foot nervously. The tapping was getting more and more annoying, so Kaydel sighed and put her laptop on the coffee table.

“What’s your problem with me? Honestly.”

“You’re…”

As she was about to say those words, she saw the hurt look in her eyes. Had she truly been involved with Ben before her return, she would have probably been as much in a difficult position as she were. 

Rey shook her head.

“I don’t trust anyone right now. I simply don’t know you.”

“No,” Kaydel stood up to face her. “Be honest. You’re jealous.”

Rey avoided her big eyes and hypnotic gaze. She was prettier than her plain self. Had Ben met Kaydel before or at the same time he met her, he would have picked the beautiful tall woman, not her. 

“Look, I don’t necessarily care about this but I don’t want you to cause any more trouble for him. He’s been through enough.”

She looked at Kaydel perplexed. She was the one to return from heaven knows where with bruises and no memory. 

“You know nothing!” she lashed at her rival.

“I know everything from his perspective. Do you know that he wants to quit his job just to stop seeing me so that you won’t hate him anymore?”

She didn’t hate him. She would have never asked him such a thing.

“He was even arguing with the only family he’s got left the night of the accident over you and you didn’t even care to visit him. Do you have any idea how hurt he was when you didn’t come to visit him or at least call to check on him while he was in the hospital?”

Rey took a step back and clenched her fist. Luke wasn’t his only family - she was his family. And he said he didn’t mind it.

“There was no point in me being there. You were there and I suppose you were able to help him more and better than I would have ever had.”

Kaydel tilted her head, revealing a disappointed grin, then shook her head.

“But I am not the woman he loves. I am not the one for whom he wasted time and energy in order to find her. He went bankrupt, he stopped eating, he became depressed and suicidal. I took him by the hand to therapy and paid it because he couldn’t afford it. He would have killed himself had it not been for-”

For _ her _ ? For _ Kaydel _?

“-for the slightest chance that you would return and explain everything.”

“Then why did he not even come to visit me while_ I _ was in the hospital all alone, among strangers?”

“Because some had to pay for your hospital bills and he had been poisoned by everyone to believe that he was to blame for your disappearance?”

Rey sniffed blinking to get rid of the burning tears.

“It’s not my fault either that I went missing and lost my memories.”

_ Or was it? _

“Look, Ben and I have decided to give our marriage another chance or at least more time. We’re fine.”

“Good. Then let me continue doing my job and let him pay his hospital bills and this house’s expenses.”

Rey blinked and watched her sit on the sofa and take her laptop once again. It was always about the damn money. After all, even their relationship began with her having her services hired by the hotel where he used to work and with her ending up homeless and penniless. She sniffed again and wiped off a tear before Kaydel could see her.

“Is he still selling the house?”

“He can’t afford it, can he?”

She ignored the smug remark and sat in the armchair with a leg tucked underneath her.

“But if I help him?”

“How?”

“I can work again. Reopen my business. Ben said that we were doing fine b-”

“Except your cafe is gone, you don’t have the money to get it back and your clients have moved on.”

Rey furrowed.

“Ben’s words. Not mine.”

Kaydel watched her clench her fists. She was obviously distressed, so perhaps she was also honest. She bent over and put her hand over hers. Rey was startled at first, but then she noticed the compassionate and comforting smile. 

“Look, this weekend I am turning twenty-seven and I am throwing a small party. Can you prepare the food and sweets? I will pay you, obviously.”

“What’s the point?” her voice trembled.

“My friends are very active on social media and they throw parties almost weekly. I might get you some new clients. And if you get back on your feet, I’ll also see what I can do about your cafe.”

Rey blinked still in doubt regarding her rival’s intentions. She was obviously doing it for her husband, as she owed nothing to her and she did not seem that genuinely kind to help her just because she could. She was about to refuse her offer when Ben entered the room and looked at the two women with suspicion. He squinted his eyes at the brownie tray, Kaydel’s pout and Rey’s crossed arms. His lips thinned in a firm line.

“Everything ok?”

Kaydel parted her lips, but Rey spoke before her.

“I wanted to ask Kaydel for a pad.”

She was surprised by her own courage to mention such an intimate aspect of her life in front of a stranger and in front of a man. But, the man was her husband after all and with the most serene face, he offered her his hand to help her get up.

“There’s a small pack in your emergency pouch. It’s in the dressing room, behind the mirror. But check the expiration date.”

“Ok, thanks,” she said using a cheerful tone, then got on her toes, grabbed his face and kissed him on the lips, before running out of the room.

“Don’t forget to take your meds and eat something!”

“I will!”

Ben laughed softly, then turned to look at Kaydel. The look on her face was very telling, despite trying to dissimulate with her carefree attitude.

“You two were not talking about pads. I’ve heard you arguing from the study.”

The young woman shrugged.

“Sometimes you need… people just need to argue before they make up. I hope I made myself clear to Rey.”

She had been his dearest friend throughout all those years. His only friend actually. He owed her more than he could ever repay her during his entire life, yet in that exact moment, he did not like her remark, nor her tone. Maybe he was a douchebag after all but after that sweet moment between Rey and him… the way she held him in her arms and played with his hair… He ended up clinging to even the slightest and tiniest hope that everything would go back to normal and he would not tolerate anyone hurting her or making her want to leave again.

He sat in the armchair, massaging his shoulder. That broken arm was getting more and more bothersome. Even his back hurt as he could not sleep the way he preferred. 

“What did you tell her?”

***

Hours later, Rey was in her bed, still looking at photos. In one of them, she was naked in what seemed like a jacuzzi or small pool perhaps. She was floating on her back and had a huge leaf covering her breasts, whereas the position of her leg and the angle were hiding the rest of her body. In another one, she was in the greenhouse turned terrace. She was sitting on a chair in front of an easel and was wearing a sheer mesh dress. The way her skin was glowing was quite telling and she bit her lip remembering once again that first flashback with her in that bed screaming his name.

“Why is my Rey blushing?”

She lifted her head and looked at her husband standing by the door, yet not daring to enter. She stretched her arm and wiggled her fingers, inviting him in. He stepped inside carefully and sat on the bed, next to her.

“Done for today?”

“Yeah… I’ve been working since 6 am.”

Rey made a pitying sound, but it ended up sounding like a cat’s purr. Ben touched her freckled cheeks with the tip of his finger, then put his hand on her nape, massaging her neck, making her purr again and making her nipples more visible through the sheer material of her black pyjama. The pyjama from the third drawer, right under the white lace nightgown she used to wear when it was hot outside, but the wind was blowing making it chilly enough for her nipples to get hard and to seduce him with them, by inviting him to suck them gently.

Ben pulled his hand and coughed. 

“I saw you… umm… cleaned up the mess in the master bedroom. Thank you, but it-”

“It’s ok,” she smirked. “I couldn’t sleep and you have a broken arm so…”

“Yeah…” he admitted with a sad look on his face. “So I guess that now I can move back there.”

They both looked at each other. It was a matter of courage who would make the first step and Rey was the brave one at that moment.

“Or you can stay here. With me.”

Ben needn’t another word and moved on his side of the bed. Part of Rey was expecting him to have that look on his face, the one that would have easily convinced her to lay on her back and spread her legs wide open. But no. He did not seem to share her thirst for physical touch. Or at least not in that moment, as that gaze from the morning did make her feel desired even for just a few moments. She parted her lips to ask him what was bothering him when Ben lashed at her. He was polite and surprisingly calm, but still, like a teacher scolding his student for breaking the window and stabbing her classmate with a sharp pencil.

“Please don’t ever kiss me like that. I get it that you don’t like Kaydel, but there is no point in kissing me just to mark your territory. So please, don’t kiss me if you don’t actually feel like doing so. I’ve already told you that I can’t stand being manip-”

Rey got up on her knees and approached him, then she grabbed his face like before and kissed him finally shutting his delicious mouth. 

“She can’t see us now, can she?”

***

“It’s true what I’ve been hearing? Are you dating Solo?”

Rey continued eating her French fries and looked at Finn with an impassive gaze. She dipped another fry in the garlic sauce, ate it, then wiped her hands on a napkin and grabbed the mozzarella sticks.

“Rey!”

His tone was partially menacing but mostly disappointed. The girl looked at the red and white placemat reminding her of the summers spent mostly in Maz’s backyard, eating and sleeping on the plaid blanket, while Naz the goat came by from time to time to wake them up with a loud bleat.

“Yes,” she admitted. “Why?”

“Exactly! _ Why _?” 

Her hand froze in the air as she was about to dip the mozzarella stick in the sweet and sour sauce. _ Why _? How dare he?

“I don’t get your question.”

“Why _ him _?”

“What’s wrong with him?” she asked offended. Now that Finn was wearing a fancy cap, a plaid scarf in earthy tones and a suede light brown coat he looked like one of the rich kids from movies. But she had never expected him to act like one as well.

“He’s… weird. He did some weird shit in college and everyone says that _ he _ got his dad killed and he is to blame for his mom’s insanity.”

Rey chuckled and shoved the mozzarella stick in her mouth.

“I think auntie Maz raised you better than this. He is a wonderful man and he cares deeply for his mom, who, if I may add, is not insane. She is in the same state Maz would have been, had she lived more. And I _ love _ him.”

Finn crosses his arms and looked at her with arrogance and pity. Ever since he started going to culinary school, he became quite a brat. One who still cared about her, but still an insufferable brat.

“Does he?”

“Does he what?” stressed Rey each word with annoyance.

“Love you? Or at least _ like _ you?”

“Like me? Am I that impossible to like or love? Why? Because I am skinny, freckled, have no boobs, no money and pretty much no education?”

Despite her angry tone, as she was pointing out each potential flaw, she was also starting to become more self-aware of their differences. 

“What I mean is that you are young, naive and vulnerable. We are in a difficult financial situation and this random man invited you to come to live with him… without any other condition or demand? And you’re suddenly dating him? Rey, he is using you and taking advantage of you. He is a textbook abusive piece of trash and you’ll see.”

Rey felt her cheeks burning red and her eyes stinging from the tears she was trying her best to keep from flooding her face. She stood up and grabbed the newspaper boat with the remaining mozzarella sticks and sauce.

“Well, at least he was there for me when I needed him, unlike someone who didn’t give a damn about me ending up homeless and penniless.”

“Rey…”

“I am done,” her voice broke. “Keep the damn money as well. I’ve got other things from mom that are more precious to me.”

She ignored Finn and was glad that he did not dare to chase her nor expect her to forgive him that quickly and easily.

When she returned home, she found Ben in the garden, picking flowers with his mother. It was rather late and unusual for Mrs Leia to be awake at that hour unless she had one of her moments and only Ben could calm her down.

She suddenly felt a presence and flinched when she saw Rose, Mrs Leia’s nurse.

“She remembered the death of her adoptive family,” she said handing her a cup of linden tea. “There was a documentary on television about the earthquake from 1977.”

“She’s adopted?” said Rey catching a falling leaf from the plant sitting on the windowsill. “Does she know anything about her biological family?”

“They’re dead too, except her brother, who was also adopted and lost his family in that earthquake.”

“So Ben only has his mother and uncle?”

The nurse patted her on the shoulder.

“And now you.”

***

Rey waited for the phone to stop ringing and for someone to finally pick up. It was dark in the bedroom and Ben was sleeping peacefully next to her. The poor thing was tired and she must have left him without energy after their what they’d done. After he patronizingly pointed out how childish and shy her kisses were, she invited him to teach her how to kiss properly. And he did teach her, at first reluctantly, but then playfully, licking and biting her lips gently...

“Yes?” answered that familiar sleepy voice, pulling her out of her reverie. “Hello? Who’s this?”

“It’s your sister, douchebag!” she tried her best to sound menacing, while still whispering in order to not wake Ben up.

“Rey? Is your mem-”

“No,” she interrupted him. “But I was told that my own brother, instead of helping my husband, tried to turn him against me while I was missing. Am I really cheater material?”

She heard Finn sigh.

“It’s not like that and that was a long time ago.”

“You could have helped him at least. He needed the money and he had to give up everything to search for me, despite _ someone’s _accusations.”

“Rey… come on. It’s 4 am here and I am jet-lagged.”

“Tell me why, Finn. Why did you even consider the absurd idea that I left the man I love without a word? How could you look me in the eye and tell me that my husband doesn't hate me when you were one of those responsible for him not trusting me in the first place?”

No answer. Just a tense silence.

“I… I don’t know.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Rey, please. I fucked up. And I wanted to help him by giving back your half of what we got from Maz, but he rejected the money saying that it’s only up to you to accept it. He would have accepted your infidelity way easier than your death.”

“But I’ve done nothing like that! I am innocent! I am not a cheater, nor am I dead!”

Ben moved in his sleep, making her aware of how loud she was.

“Look, I am going to let you sleep now, but if you ever want me to forgive you, you better talk to that Kaydel and get her to get me back my cafe.”

Rey hung up before Finn could even add anything else. She looked at her sleeping husband and stood up just to take off her pyjamas, then snuck back under the duvet, next to him. She was going to get her old life back, even if it had to be by force.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a translated fragment from the song 'Sebi' by Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C9W7MbDivU)


	12. Could've been a hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I had finished the chapter, but I ended up rewriting some parts, deleting and adding some others, so I've decided to post it in three parts given that it is quite long and it would take too much time to finish it, and also that I was really touched by your kind words and feedback (not to mention how excited I am about all the SW goodies we've been blessed with today).

“Bloody hell,” cursed Rey looking the stained sheets not realising the irony of her words. She got up hastily, tripping over a pillow while trying to untangle the sheet from her around her legs, then ran into the bathroom to clean herself. After a well-deserved shower, she dressed up in a pair of black jeggings and a loose button-down checkered shirt. The sleeves were down to her elbow so they would not bother her while working around the house.

She went back to change the sheets and clean the mattress, then put the sheets in the washing machine. As the laundry began spinning, she exhaled content. She had noticed the washing machine during her ‘investigation’, but she did not know where they used to keep the cleaning products or how to use the machine in the first place. Yet, she knew! She did it all on her own! That was good, right? She was finally able to do things on her own, things her body remembered even if her mind didn’t. She clapped joyful, barely containing her excitement. She couldn’t wait to tell Ben.

She skipped out of the bathroom and went into her favourite place - the kitchen. Suddenly, her appetite was back. She could eat some shrimp. A nice gazpacho with ginger and shrimp. And some ravioli with a creamy garlic sauce, sauteed asparagus and spicy shrimp. She licked her lips and let a moan of excitement escape her throat. That’s when she heard the giggle and turned around, to find her husband spying on her while sipping from a cup.

“Hey!” 

She ran to him, but stopped a few centimetres away to check if his face was grumpy or not before hugging him. He seemed fine, so she did not wait for any other encouragements or invitations.

“What are you doing, love?” he asked gently.

_ Love _ . It sounded so wonderful. Her hand slipped down to his waist and snuck under the grey sweater. That was the softest skin she had ever felt. That morning, when Ben woke up to take some of his medicine and to go back to his work, she also woke up and pushed aside the duvet, revealing her naked body, apart for her panties. She was too sleepy to notice his reaction at first, but once he returned next to her and caressed her arm, making her nipples harden, they ended up kissing and had it not been for Ben’s broken arm, she knew they would have taken things further. 

Rey lifted her chin and waited for Ben to lean in and kiss her.

“Have you eaten anything?” she asked giggling, while he gently bit her lower lip.

“An apple, but I could eat something else.”

Rey blinked confused, waiting for him to tell her his preferences for that morning, but he just closed his eyes and sighed.

“Sorry.”

“For what?”

She looked him in the eye and parted her lips realising what he had implied… or at least part of it. Ben avoided her gaze, so she put her palm on his face, forcing him to face her.

“Wanna go out for a bit?”

“On a walk?”

“I was thinking about doing some shopping. We need food among other things,” she reminded him of his almost empty fridge.

“Sure,” he nodded a little bit tense. Was it because she did not react as expected to his suggestion or was it because of money?

She watched him open a drawer and take out a thick notebook. Every couple of pages, there were a few bills stacked neatly. Ben took two bills of 50 each and shoved them in his pocket, before taking his coat and putting on his shoes. Rey followed him by putting on a cardigan sweater and her winter coat, and then her boots.

“Shouldn’t we get a taxi?” she said checking the street still covered in snow.

“Don’t you want to go to the grocery store and pharmacy?”

What she had in mind was going to the supermarket and he knew that. She could have blamed it on his wish of spending less money on useless expenses, but this reluctance was still a bit suspicious. Was he ashamed to be seen with her? After all, everyone did a wonderful job ruining her reputation and Ben’s trust.

“May I hold your hand?” she asked after he finished locking the door and setting the alarm. As a response, Ben shoved the keys in his pocket, then stretched his arm, letting Rey grab it with enthusiasm. 

“I’ve never liked this time of the year, but it seems rather cosy,” she said as they were passing by the fanciest villas in the area. The streets were more animated as people were back home from their time away on vacation, and many were taking their children to school at that early hour in the morning. Rey looked at a mother pushing the pram with her baby in it, whereas the older twins and father were running and throwing snowballs at each other. She turned to look at Ben, who was instead looking at two children holding hands while walking, in front of them. One of them had a huge backpack and kept slipping on the ice hidden underneath the snow. Ben smiled.

“It is nice,” he admitted. “Of course, it does not even compare to Christmas time, when all the streets and houses were decorated and all the children were dropping by in small groups, singing Christmas carols and stuff.”

Rey groped his arm trying to keep sadness away. She did not remember any of such things. Just her Christmas memories from auntie Maz’s home with Finn and the other children.

“I guess your last Christmas and the other two before it hadn’t been the best.”

“You have no idea,” he uttered bitterly. “The first one was an absolute nightmare as it happened just weeks after your disappearance. The second one was painful. I had still hoped to find you by then. And the most recent was simply miserable. I attended the Christmas party at work just to get away from here and Luke got me to spend my days off with him by fooling me with false hopes of analysing the police’s findings regarding your case.”

Rey tensed at his miserable years spent without her. She couldn’t even ease his pain with kind words because she knew nothing.

“And New Year’s Eve?” she asked to avoid an awkward silence between them.

“Equally shitty. Drank some wine, watched every boring rerun and then the fireworks. They were pretty, but as far it concerned me, they reminded me too much of the night you went missing.”

Rey knew that his intention was far from pointing out how much she had hurt him with her disappearance, but she still had to remind herself that he had never been in a perfect emotional state in the first place. According to that woman, he needed therapy for a while. However, she still could not grasp the idea of someone being so miserable on purpose and refusing any means of becoming happy once more. Had he really refused to find love again and even carnal pleasures? That woman had been there, by his side, and completely available. How big could Ben’s love, guilt and sadness have been? 

“How was our first Christmas together?” she slightly changed the topic.

Ben exhaled, creating a cloud.

“I… well… we had both lost our mothers and only had each other for the first time. It was rather new and awkward. I hated being in that house and the work at the hotel was overwhelming with all the tourists coming into the city to visit their families. You were also busy with your orders, but around that time, mom’s nurse needed some extra cash, so she started helping you. You two made all sorts of goodies for the children at the orphanage and the old people at the nursing home. It helped you forget about Maz and… you made my days less miserable with your energy and cheerfulness. That Christmas I actually began considering quitting my job as I was missing on everything. One year prior I had also wasted the holidays working, and so I did almost my entire life as an adult. Aaand so I realised that I had wasted all those years instead of being my mom’s side. Thankfully, I’d finally reached the conclusion that I would not do the same to you. Besides, I heard you and Rose chatting one day, and you were considering asking me to marry you.”

Rey looked at the snowflakes caught in Ben’s beautiful locks as her mind was showing her a beautiful romantic kitchen. She was kneading some dough, whereas Rose was glazing some muffins. 

“Do you think Ben and you are ever going to get married?” the girl asked her out of the blue.

She looked at her with big eyes and used her sleeve to wipe a drop of sweat off her forehead. 

“We’ve barely started dating.”

Rose continued glazing the muffins, then put one down and continued.

“Yes, but you love each other so much. Don’t you see yourself marrying him?”

“He won’t ask me anytime soon, so…” she mumbled. She took a moment to chew on her lip before cutting the dough into three equal pieces and taking each piece in her hand to shape it into a perfect sphere.

“Why must men always be the ones to do such things? Women always say yes on the spot because they had been wanting to get married for a longer while, yet did not dare say a word to not look desperate. If you want to marry him, go ask him, Rey!”

Rey put the spheres down and rolled them again into long strings, then began braiding them.

“I’m… Rose… I… I would. I actually would, but I was raised differently and… I don’t want him to think that I am pressuring him or taking advantage of him. I love him so much and I don’t want to ever lose him. But we’ve both been through so much lately and even if those things brought us together, I don’t want to say anything that might break us apart. A no would kill me, I swear.”

Rey closed her eyes feeling the sudden pain in her head, so she just focused on listening to her husband’s voice and being lead by him.

“And you know how fate is such a sneaky bitch,” he continued his story. “All I kept seeing around me were happy couples and my colleagues getting engaged, so I checked my mom’s jewellery box. I had buried her with her engagement ring and wedding band, but in the box, there were her moms’ engagement rings. She had never worn them, so I took their existence as the sign I needed. I could not decide between the two, so I sketched a modified version of the two. And let me tell you - you have no idea how difficult it was to find a jewellery store willing to take such a rushed order and pretentious order at that time of the year, but, in the end, it was our Christmas miracle. I lied to my boss that my house was on fire to be home with you. You had invited Finn and Rose for the Christmas dinner and we all had a wonderful time. A bit sad and awkward at first, but at the end of the night, we were all enjoying ourselves, and I asked you to marry me. And you accepted.”

She could remember it. She had worked so much on that dinner and she’d barely kept her tears from flooding her face knowing that she was once again an orphan for Christmas and for the rest of her life. Also, Ben working on Christmas day was not helping at all. So she had pretty much locked herself up in the kitchen and baked chocolate covered gingerbread cookies, moist cranberry cookies, white chocolate cranberry fudge, and an amazing date and ginger toffee pudding. She also served a peppermint patty, a delicious pistachio and brie stuffed turkey wellington with boysenberry sauce, a beef salad, deviled eggs, and even homemade bread. Yet nothing felt right.

Ben had even allowed her and Rose to decorate the house with Leia’s old decorations to make the house seem less gloomy. However, they did not feel like buying a tree, though they did find a small fir tree in a pot in the garden and moved it inside.

Hours later, when Ben entered covered in snow, everyone was shocked. Leia’s cat jumped from her dead owner’s favourite armchair and ran to him meowing and purring. He picked her up and hugged her, but his eyes were all focused on Rey. She exhaled loudly and felt tears streaming down her face. As she started crying, Ben rushed to her, still holding the cat, and hugged her despite the animal’s jealous protests. After Rey wiped her tears, they sat down and ate. Four orphans brought together by solitude.

“I have a gift for you,” said Ben once Finn revealed his tangerine and vanilla cake. Everyone put on an awkward face as they had not prepared any gifts. Finn had gifted each girl a red scarf and a snow globe, but they had established a ‘no gift’ rule that Christmas, as none of them was doing great financially. 

Ben went to his coat and pulled out a small box.

“Is it a puppy?” she asked jokingly as she pulled the ribbon. She finally opened the box and found a matryoshka. 

“Go on,” encouraged her Ben.

Rey kept unnesting the dolls until she reached the final one. She pulled the upper half and a ring fell on the table. She picked it up, biting her lip. It was a white gold ring made out of two bands, with a large rose holding a giant diamond.

“Will you marry me?”

She turned to stare at Ben in shock, whereas Finn was speechless and Rose was giggling excitedly.

“Are you sure?” she asked accidentally putting the ring on her index. Ben took it off and place it on the right finger.

“So? Will you be my wife? Please?”

“Say yes,” whispered Rose.

She only got to nod as her mouth was immediately covered by Ben’s, while Finn and Rose applauded and the cat hissed. She did get to scream ‘yes’ that night, however. After dinner and a  _ Home Alone _ marathon, Rose and Finn offered to clean up and pack some of the leftovers to give away to the less fortunate the following morning, letting the two newly engaged retire in Ben’s bedroom.

Rey undressed and threw her clothes on the floor as soon as she entered the room, not even giving him the time to process what they were about to do. She threw herself in his arms, clinging to his shirt, while Ben’s hands slid down her waist as she kissed him desperately.

“I love you, Ben Solo,” she gasped when his fingers curled underneath her buttock, whereas the other hand slipped between her thighs, pushing a finger between her folds and then inside her.

“Please,” she later begged her quiet lover, confirming her desire.

Ben let her go, so she laid on the bed, on her back, with her legs wide open, watching him take off his tie and unbutton his shirt.

“You don’t seem in the mood to make sweet gentle love,” he remarked with a playful grin and Rey shook her head with the same playful grin.

“Or… maybe later,” she whispered putting her foot on his abdomen, grabbing the waistband of his underwear with her toes and clumsily trying to pull it down. “Right now I want you to fuck me hard until I pass out.”

Ben lifted an eyebrow and laughed.

“What?” she pouted slightly embarrassed.

“Have you been reading shitty romance books again?”

“I need to learn from somewhere,” she said lifting her hips, inviting him to slide inside. Ben finally kneeled on the mattress, in front of her, then shifted his body to cover hers. He kissed her neck, making her giggle, and distracting her while positioning himself, until he eventually went deep with one hard thrust. She gasped and lifted her chin to call his lips. Ben dug his fingers in the flesh of her thigh and grunted before gifting her the long-awaited kiss. Rey felt his other hand cupping her face before stuttering clumsily through her hair. She bit his lips as he gripped the top of her head while rocking forward. The sound of his breath and their bodies touching was almost hypnotic, as was the sensation she got from his pelvis rubbing against… 

“Ah!” she cried when he touched her in the right spot.

“Are you coming?”

“Yeah…” she murmured breathless.

“Then let’s go.”

_ What _ ?

She watched as the Ben in front of her was getting longer hair and a stubble growing gradually into a beard. He was no longer naked but wearing winter clothes, just like she did.

“Your face is red again,” he remarked.

Rey touched her cheeks and her eyes fell on Ben’s stretched arm. Those long fingers… 

“I’m cold,” she managed to say without much verve and followed him inside the grocery store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title refers to Lissie's 'Hero' song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQIZJPIhnB8)


	13. Could've been a zero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuing the previous chapter.
> 
> So... I've had the interesting experience of having someone copy my work, change a couple of details and rewrite certain paragraphs (this person is a native English speaker and does a better job when it comes to vocabulary, idioms and stuff, unlike yours truly, who writes with the dictionary by her side). Well... here is another chapter of my story to help her complete hers.

***

“Finn called me to reproach me,” added Ben later, while weighing some potatoes. Rey watched him stick the freshly printed label on the bag. Back when they were kids, Finn and she used to keep each other’s secrets. Of course, her lashing at him and reproaching  _ him  _ was not a secret to be kept or a secret at all. It was just pathetic that he was the one upset and demanding explanations. Why did he have to disappoint her even more… 

“Stupid and useless of him to do so,” she tried not to snarl. “It was my right to reproach  _ him _ . He was a jackass.”

Rey took the potatoes and threw them in the shopping basket next to some cilantro, zucchini and parsley. She was checking out the fruit crates when she peeked at Ben, only to find him also peeking at her.

“What?” they spoke in unison, then giggled at their synchronized reactions.

“You first,” he said getting closer with a bunch of bananas.

“Nothing,” shook Rey her head. “I was just… remarking how good you look with your hair like that and with the stubble.”

She watched him smile like a satisfied cat and felt a weight off her chest. Was it possible such thing? To be that ok so soon? She grabbed him by the pinky finger before leaving to get some oranges and forced him to face her. He looked at her in such a manner that she felt undressed and ready to reenact her flashback. But Ben had no idea what was going through her dirty mind, so he just tilted his head silently asking her what she wanted. So Rey got on her toes and kissed him long and sweet.

“What was that for?” he said brushing a fallen eyelash off her cold cheek.

“Now your turn,” she replied relaxed, ignoring his question.

Ben licked his lips chuckling and let his hand slip under her chin before lifting it for another kiss.

“I meant why were you staring at me, silly,” she blushed barely breathing.

Ben straightened his back and looked at her confused, then at some pomelo.

“Oh,” he added. “I wanted to know if you had decided what to bake for Kaydel’s birthday.”

Kaydel again. Why could that girl not vanish off the face of the earth and not ruin their moments anymore? She wanted to have the image of her husband making love to her inside her head, not the one of Kaydel at Ben’s arm, being too touchy and too close.

“Yeah, I’ve never said I would do anything for her…” she furrowed, then noticed Ben’s disappointed face and continued. “Umm… for her birthday. I don’t even know what she wants or likes. Also, why does everyone keep telling you everything I do or say?”

Ben rolled his eyes amused at her frustration. He threw a pack of coconut flakes in the basket, then took a cucumber, making Rey gulp at its size. Little did he know that she was not actually thinking about cucumbers.

“Look, the last time I did not know about you or your whereabouts, I lost you for three years.”

Rey lowered her gaze, her eyelashes touching her freckled cheeks. He cleared his throat and his lips thinned in a firm line.

“What I wanted to say is that I think it would be a good idea to do something you like and not be all alone in your room while I am working.”

“I can cook for us and clean.”

“Yeah, but our appetite is not that challenging.”

_ Well… depending on which appetite we are referring to. _

She ignored her pervert thoughts and focused on what was important for the moment.

“Ben, would you like me to start working again and to help you with the bills?”

“Work?”

“I don’t have any studies and I was homeschooled, but I wouldn’t mind working even in this grocery store if it means making thing easier and less stressful for you.”

His eyes softened.

“I’m fine. You shouldn’t worry about me.”

Rey furrowed at his rejection and stubbornness. He was not fine. But Kaydel had promised to pay her and help her get back her cafe, so maybe she could swallow her pride for one day.

“Fine,” she sighed. “What does Kaydel like?”

“I don’t know,” shrugged Ben getting some dried chilli peppers. “Coffee?”

Rey looked at him in shock, then laughed.

“Oook? How about her favourite fruit?”

Ben stopped for a moment and then exhaled exasperated.

“I don’t know, Rey. I don’t know such things.”

So he didn’t know everything about her? Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal, and maybe it was just a childish observation, but not knowing such details was very telling. He was not interested in certain aspects of her personality either because he was simply not that close to her, or because he had been more interested in other aspects of hers.

Rey threw in the closest trashcan the squished kiwi she had been holding and crushing and grabbed another one.

“What’s my favourite fruit?” she asked using the most neutral tone.

“Mango.”

Their eyes met and that smug look on Ben’s face was more than enough to understand that he indeed was the one to know her the best. The only one. And she was the only one for him as well.

“Look at her.”

“So it’s true.”

“Do you really believe what Jane said? That she ran away with some other guy and pretended that she was dead this whole time?”

“I honestly thought he had killed her. I used to cross the street each time I saw him.”

“Can’t believe they’re back together. Such shame.”

Rey parted her trembling lips and looked at Ben. His face was impassive, but somehow she knew that he was barely holding his anger in. Was he embarrassed to be seen with her and be labelled the town’s fool?

“She does look like a little whore.”

Rey looked down at her skinny legs and the coat reaching her knees.

“Maybe he was beating her. Look at his face and broken arm. I bet he is one of those illegal fighters. We should tell old man Peters to forbid them from entering such decent places.”

Rey felt naked and flogged by each accusation. She hadn’t felt so humiliated and bullied since childhood, when the older kids in Maz’s care took her for a pet, but not one to love, protect and care for, but one to torture. Especially that tall skinny kid with cooper hair. She sniffed. Her tears were burning her eyes, but she refused to cry in front of them. Her husband was now looking at her and he seemed pained as well. He approached her and kissed her on the forehead, soothing her pain.

“Let’s go,  _ my love _ ,” he emphasized the last words loudly enough to be heard by the two women still whispering just a few steps away from them.

***

Later that day, as the sun was setting and with Ben’s work for that day done, and their bellies full of delicious food, the two were sitting on the bed from the master bedroom. The mattress from the guest bedroom was still wet, and it seemed like the right opportunity to return to their actual bed. Rey had hoped for a romantic return, but her husband did have a broken arm, was tired and, even if he did not admit it, was still pensive about what he had heard. With Finn, no one recognized her for the moment, especially as the town was pretty much empty those days. But being seen with Ben, people immediately realized that the Solo spouses were back together after the scandal caused by her disappearance. No one, absolutely no one apart from Luke helped look for her. No wonder Ben ended up depressed and a wreck. Those people were selfish and horrible, more interested in gossiping and hurting people than actually help them one way or another.

Mrs Solo looked at her husband. He had been reading an ebook on his tablet, whereas she had been scribbling in her diary - not necessarily notes regarding her memory and feelings, but some ideas for Kaydel’s buffet. The room was quite hot, so Ben was wearing only his pyjama pants, which made the shape of his member quite visible, and Rey’s cheeks quite red. She was too wearing her black pyjama, but it did not seem to have any effect on Ben.

“Ben,” she said clearing her throat. “Do you want to take a look at my notes?”

Ben shifted his body and put his tablet on the nightstand. Rey turned the pages and handed him the notebook, then waited patiently for him to read the notes.

‘me teaching Ben how to brew the perfect/my favourite tea - chamomile with peach and honey’

‘concrete floor’

‘Ben in an armchair - unzipped pants - me kneeling’

‘sexy lingerie from Dahlia’

‘mirror sex on the teal velvet bench’

‘Ben and I meeting again at the hotel - give me your heart’

‘Ben and I - hotel - rain - sharing bedroom’

‘cigarette break - missing for three years plan’

‘Maz’s death’

‘Ben and I - my bedroom after Maz’s death’

‘Ben’s offer to come and live with him’

‘meeting Ben’s mom and moving in’

‘Finn’s graduation’

‘dinner and date - Ben and I - Finn and ??? - Poe and ???’

‘boat trip’

‘door - wounded hands’

‘scratching Ben’s chest while riding him?’

‘together in bed - making love - Mrs Leia’s death’

‘the cat dying?’

‘me and Finn arguing’

‘Rose(?) and I marriage discussion’

‘engagement’

“That’s all?” he asked rereading some passages.

“I might have forgotten some, but perhaps they were not that interesting anyway.”

Ben stared at her with a conflicted look on his face. He tapped the page with his fingers as if expecting the acknowledgement of time to help to process the information quicker. She wished she could help him, but her situation was worse than his.

“Are all your memories about me?”

“Most of them.”

“And we’re mostly fucking in…  _ most  _ of them?”

She pursed her lips at his vulgar language. It was not as if she was the one in charge of them. They were the ones playing tricks on her. She sighed and moved her body, now sitting on laying on her stomach, and unawarely making her pyjama top reveal her breasts. Ben peeked at them, then blinked trying to seem focused on whatever her notes were supposed to mean.

“What are these?” he asked pointing clumsily to some of her notes. Rey raised herself on her elbows to see what he was looking at.

“Oh, I don’t really know,” she confessed. “These were very short and…” she tried to find the right word, but there was only one way to describe how they felt. “Painful.”

Ben looked at her and lifted his arm to make space for her. Rey cuddled at his chest and as Ben was brushing his fingers against her arm, she helped him held the notebook on his cast.

“I had the flashback with me slamming and banging against the door and having my hands hurt after we argued in the kitchen.”

Ben stopped his gentle movement for a second, before asking:

“Do you think it has anything to do with your disappearance?”

Rey caressed his chest.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Or… I don’t know. Just as I don’t know what was that memory of me on the concrete floor.”

“You did have bruises,” reminded her Ben.

“So maybe I’m not the cheating whore people think I am.”

Her tone was full of sarcasm, but the undertones were not funny at all. Ben could tell that she was hurt. He kissed her forehead and she whimpered.

“I love…” she began saying when she remembered that her previous confession did not go that well. “I love it when you pamper me. You should do it more often.”

Ben chuckled and took her diary, throwing it on the carpet. His gesture took her by surprise, so Rey’s eyes widened and breathed nervously. He eventually turned the lights off and she expected patiently and quietly his healthy hand to touch her and attempt to undress her. After a few moments of silence, she realised that he was trying to fall asleep.

“Ben?” she dared call him with the shyest tone.

“Hmm?”

“Should we… become… like should we start getting more intimate?”

She could not see his face, as the room was not facing the large and lightened main street, but she could sense that he was looking where he knew she was.

“Like…” she continued. “I suppose you still have needs and I am here now.”

“There’s no need,” he rejected her merciless. However, that did not stop her from insisting. 

“It could help me remember and we could go back to our old routine.”

“Rey,” he sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, by you’re period-horny and once again trying to prove a point.”

Ok, maybe him knowing her like the back of his palm was not the most comfortable aspect of their relationship.

“Perhaps you’re right about the first part, though I am not asking you to make love to me right now, but I don’t get the last part.” She pushed his arm off her body and stood up. “Tell me! What am I doing wrong this time as well?”

Ben sighed and grabbed her wrist, trying to stop her from digging deeper with her nails in the flesh of his chest, then took her hand and kissed it.

“I know you’re hurt, but you don’t have to prove to me anything. Those old crones are sad and pathetic.”

“But you know for sure that you never abused me and that you’re not some evil henchman from a Disney movie, yet you still have doubts regarding my disappearance. I don’t know what else I can do to prove myself.”

The tremble in her voice was revealing her need to cry and her constant frustration. One step forward and three backwards.

“Nothing,” he said on a soft tone. “I don’t need any proof. I said I want to start all over again and we’re doing this.”

“Then why don’t you want me?”

“It’s not about you, Rey. It’s about me.”

He paused. Rey wished his face were more visible and he would stop hiding in the dark. She groped his fingers to make him talk.

“The last time we made love, almost 24 hours later, you were gone. I could not make love to you fearing that you might be gone tomorrow, or with the constant idea inside my head that we’ve missed so much and pretend that you weren’t gone for three years.”

Rey felt a crack inside her chest.

“You can’t say you want to start anew and at the same time say you can’t get over the past.”

She bent over to turn the bedside lamp on and then got out of the bed. Ben watched her confused as she put on her slippers and robe.

“Rey, please-”

She heard him call her as she slammed the door and returned to the guest bedroom. Her half was still wet, but the other one could be used, yet she did not feel like going to be yet or even sitting on it. She knew she would feel his presence constantly… perhaps like he did all those years. She let out a long sigh and put the duvet around her body, then pulled a chair in front of the window. There wasn’t much to see outside, but neither was inside.

Snow.

Snow falling.

Snow snow everywhere.

“Can you believe it? Our own home!”

Rey laid on the floor and looked at the ceiling, where a ceiling light was meant to hang somewhere in the future. Her own home. She had felt at home in Maz’s house as well, but she had always known that it was not truly her home, all thanks to the other kids fostered by auntie Maz. They were supposed to be a family, but more mouths to feed meant an environment closer to the one from the orphanage. Yet, all that was in the past and, as Ben told her, she needed to let go. To let the past die.

Ben laid next to her and took her hand, where her engagement ring stood proudly.

“Our own home,” he repeated. “Can’t wait to start decorating it together. Argue about the colour of our towels and the texture of our curtains.”

“I promise I will let you choose whatever you want, as long as you let me choose whatever I like. I’ve seen some amazing Brazilian peroba wood and solid American black walnut furniture.”

“I have no idea what’s that,” he laughed.

“It’s… it is expensive.”

“We can improvise,” he suggested. “We can get something new and mix it with the old things we already have. I can buy materials and modernize them.”

Ben fed her a strawberry and Rey ate it, sucking the juice off his fingers.

“But won’t that be too much work? It won’t leave you any time to take care of me.”

Ben smiled at her teasing and kissed her playfully.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you the most, my beautiful Ben,” she said as fireworks were beginning to light the empty living room and as his hands were lifting her wool dress.

“I love you…” she uttered watching her reflection in the window.

She stood up proudly and with the duvet still gathered around her frail body, she opened her bedroom door and headed towards Ben’s. Theirs. She knocked three times, then waited, preparing a speech inside her head. The speech had been ready and repeated thrice before she realized that there had been no answer. She knocked again, insisting, but still no answer. Was Ben that upset?

She was about to enter the room when she heard voices from downstairs. Indeed, there was light too. She pulled her duvet and dragged it with her at the top of the stairs, where she stopped and clenched her teeth.

That bloody voice and annoying laugh!

But she had promised herself to be a better person. She could easily turn around and go into their master bedroom and wait there for him. But she couldn't. Not when his laughter and joy in the presence of that other woman was breaking her heart.

She ran back into her guest bedroom, as the guest she was in Ben’s life, hid under the duvet and wept. All she could do for now was weep. 


	14. Could’ve been all these things

Rey stopped in front of her old cafe and stared at the  _ open  _ sign. There were no clients inside and the windows were still decorated for Christmas even two months later. The new owner must have just returned from the long vacation. She gathered all her courage and stepped inside, the bell sounding, oh, so familiar. And even more familiar was the inside of the cafe. The mixture of industrial and rustic elements seemed picked by her own hand. And it most likely was her work. She could have sworn she had painted those lamps herself, and the food-themed proverbs written on the walls had the same loops her cursive handwriting had. 

_ It’s no use crying over spilt milk. _

_ Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. _

_ Too many cooks spoil the broth. _

If those words didn’t describe her life and marriage perfectly, nothing else would.

She passed by the window seats, approaching the counter, then looked at what they were serving. Different types of coffee, tea and fresh juices. Some sandwiches with grilled chicken and pesto and dried tomatoes, or with schnitzels, honey mustard sauce and pickles. For dessert, there were only chocolate and mint cookies and some cranberry cookies, as well as lemon cupcakes, blueberry muffins and even a strawberry cheesecake. Actually, there were plenty. But she could imagine some cheddar, squash and onion foldovers. Or instead of something so bland like a strawberry cheesecake, maybe a pear tart with wine poached pears and frangipane or a pumpkin caramel tart with candied walnuts, though in February there was not much point in serving any pumpkin flavoured foods.

“Sorry, may I help you?”

Rey turned to face the new owner of her cafe, whose face she knew only from her flashbacks. The young woman’s soft smile vanished and her eyes grew wider. She covered her mouth and her eyes immediately filled with tears.

“Oh my! Are you ghost? Or is it really you?”

Rey looked behind her, then once again at the girl and shrugged. She stretched her arm, inviting her to shake hands, though her awkward smile was not very convincing. And as expected, Rose was hesitant, perhaps wondering whether the Rey she saw in front of her was indeed a spectre or merely a figure of her imagination.

“I’m Rey Kan… Solo. You’re Rose, right? Mrs Leia’s nurse.”

Rose squinted her eyes. What was wrong with this Rey? Was she indeed a hallucination? A ghost from the past?

“Rose Tico,” she uttered shaking her hand. The tip of her fingers were cold, but the rest was warm. She was no ghoul, spectre or hallucination. She was very real.

“Oh, my goodness, Rey…” she whimpered. “It’s you. It’s really you.”

“Yes,” she nodded awkwardly. It was just like when she met Ben. She knew him somehow but felt nothing. Now she could remember Rose a little, but once again felt nothing. Not joy, not happiness, not sadness, not melancholy, not… anything.

“Where have you been?”

“I don’t know. At the supermarket?”

Rey and Rose looked at her bags. Rose came from behind the counter and invited Rey to sit at a table. The girl put some of her bags on a chair and the others down, on the floor, then pulled a chair for herself and sat exhausted from all the shopping.

“Is this… was this my cafe?” she asked still looking at the proverbs.

“Yes,” confirmed Rose. “Ben sold it to me after you went missing. I’ve tried to make it work, but it wasn’t the same without you. I didn’t have your recipes and what I could remember was not exactly the same. Besides, the stigma had already done too much damage.”

Rose was talking so fast and so much, but it was finally an improvement. Someone was finally being honest and giving her the answers she wanted.

“What do you mean?” she asked massaging her cold fingers.

“People were curious at first, but the cafe was mostly closed all the time. Then, the accusations came,” she blabbed.

“What accusations?”

Oh! The clock had its hands shaped like some sort of neon swords.

“That Ben killed you.”

Rey stopped from admiring the walls and looked at Rose. She had heard something like that before, but never truly paid any attention.

“He  _ didn’t _ , obviously.”

“Now we all can see it, but back then, there was no body, no proof. Ben was investigated for a long time and only his uncle leaked some information to him to keep him from going insane. Then, without any piece of evidence to keep blaming him, people started assuming that you’d run away with some other man or maybe even drowned.”

“Yeah… I’ve been told this,” pursed Rey her lips.

“Either way, people started avoiding this place as much as they could. Even with me as the owner and with a new name, I can barely cover expenses. Most of the time, I keep it closed and mind my old job. I’ve returned to the nursing home and when I am not too tired, I make some extra cash by taking care of old people or children.”

Once again, it was all about money. And about her messing with people’s life. Now she expected it anytime for someone to pop up and say how her disappearance is behind someone’s death.

Rey blinked visibly upset and licked her lips.

“Now tell me about you,” said Rose with enthusiasm and grabbed her by the wrist. “Where you’ve been? Where are you staying?”

Rey shook her head.

“The doctors said that I must have been exposed to something really traumatic and I can’t remember much. In fact, when I first returned weeks ago, I couldn’t remember the past five or six years. Now I remember a couple of details, though not everything.”

Rose tilted her head and looked at her with compassion. Maybe it was a good thing that Ben had been rather cold, as all that compassion was making her feel uncomfortable and even more frustrated.

“How are things with Ben?”

Rey sighed.

“Umm… Fine, I guess? We’ve been arguing, but things are decent now.”

Rose didn’t seem too convinced. But instead of questioning her again, she went behind the counter and poured some tea and put a sandwich, a cookie and a muffin on a plate, then all on a tray and brought it to Rey. Rey took a bite out of the sandwich, immediately noticing the lack of the right amount of spices and the dry chicken. And only by looking at them, she could notice that the cookie was not crunchy enough and the muffin had too much fruit inside it, making the dough rather raw on the inside, despite being overbaked on the outside. Even the tea was an ordinary blend.

She swallowed her food and looked at her bags, then at her new old friend.

“Rose?”

“Yes?” the young woman said returning to the table with a cup of coffee.

“I was asked to cook something for someone, a certain Kaydel and I-”

“Poe’s ex?”

Rey blinked.

“You know her too.”

Her words sounded more like an accusation rather than a mere observation.

“Yeah, she’s cool.”

_ Of course _ she was cool. Rey shook her head and ignored her sudden urge to strangle Kaydel on her own birthday.

“Aaanyway. I need to cook both the food and the dessert and I was wondering if you-”

“Yes! Oh, my goodness! Yes!”

Rey smiled as Rose hugged her. It didn’t feel awkward at all and after all the drama with Ben, and with Finn away, and her still holding a grudge against him… both of them, she was in need of a friend. She hugged Rose back and then she showed her the bags. Rose took her into the small kitchen and showed her around. According to her friend, she used to work there when the cafe was really crowded but usually spent her days in her own kitchen at home, or in the basement, where she had all the large appliances and supplies.

“How do you know Kaydel?” she asked observing an appliance apparently meant to knead a very large quantity of dough.

“Well, she used to date Poe and we hanged out together a couple of times.”

“ _ We _ ?”

“Finn and I.”

Rey jaw dropped as she stared in shock.

“You and Finn used to date?”

Rose laughed and put on the counter two packs of sugar. 

“Girl, you have so much to catch up with.”

***

Hours later, Rey finished packing all the food and sweets and Rose finished serving the last client, finally turning the  _ closed  _ sign. She washed her hands one more time and undressed the white robe and the apron. The kitchen was clean, the food was ready, the cake was just about to have its candles put on it, and the sweets were delicious. According to the clock on the wall, it was late afternoon. She hadn’t worked as fast as she used to, but it was ok for the first time in years, and all thanks to Rose. She looked at the boxes and trays, then at Rose, who was calculating what she had earned and whatever was she supposed to do when owning a cafe. And to think that she had told both Kaydel and Finn to get her the cafe back. It was obvious that Rose was better at managing it, even if not better at actual cooking and baking. She pursed her lips feeling slightly guilty for conspiring against Rose, behind her back… and for using her… but maybe her part of her inheritance was going to help both of them. Rose seemed so comfortable and happy, just like she did in the flashbacks, so maybe she would agree to have half of it re-bought by her. And the other half could help Ben with the expenses for a while.

_ Oh, Ben! _

Rey ran to her coat and searched for her phone. She prayed for Ben to have been too busy to notice her absence, but no luck. Over thirty calls and over seventy messages. She did not even dare to open them, but as she was tapping on the screen, she accidentally answered the phone as Ben was calling her once again.

She closed her eyes and answered:

“Hello?”

She heard Ben sighing loudly, with huge relief. He seemed to not be able to say anything and Rey was beginning to wonder whether he was just trying to hold back his anger.

“Ben,” she began. “Look, I’m sorry for not answering, but I’ve be-”

“ _ Where _ . Are. You?”

His voice sounded demonic and quite frightening. She bit her lip and inhaled deeply.

“I’m with Rose Tico.”

Ben said nothing and the silence was breaking her heart. Was he thinking that she had left him  _ again _ , but this time to go live with Rose? Not that it was a bad idea, considering that Kaydel was doing her best to get rid of her and her house.

“See you in about forty minutes,” she added and then tapped the red button.

It took them less to finish packing the boxes in Rose’s work van and to get home, but she still found Ben sitting at the bottom of the stairs, with his hair clutched in his huge fist. Rey looked at his notebook laying open, with the money for the following weeks missing, as she had taken it, then back at him. He was now staring at her and he was both furious and glad to see her. He stood up and Rey noticed his red nose and eyes and the dried tears on his cheeks.

“Ben?” she uttered unsure of his reaction. He clenched his fist and let out a sob.

“Can you be more responsible and not scare the shit out of me!?”

Rey blinked and took a step back.

“I’ll give you back your money, don’t worry.”

“It’s not about the fucking money, Rey! You can’t just leave like this! I was worried sick! Why did you even take you fucking phone with you if you don’t have your GPS on or answer it?”

He intended to  _ spy  _ on her? Well, she had taken his money without permission and left without saying a word, but she was still so pissed off after the previous evening that she did not even think about his feelings or trauma. She avoided his gaze and those dried tears she wanted to lick and kiss so much and looked to her right. She had left the kitchen clean and in a perfect state, but now there were appliances, huge bowls, her shopping bags from the previous day and all sort of things she would have needed, had she cooked Kaydel’s food at home. He made all the arrangements for her, to help her and her stupid memory.

She parted her lips and threw her arms around his neck.

“I’m so sorry, Ben,” she said, then kissed him on the cheek. “Rose helped me and I couldn’t have done it without her. I just didn’t want to bother you and I knew you wouldn’t have agreed to let me leave the house on my own.”

She did lie, but those were the type of lies that made Ben soften and hug her back.

“Did she bring you here?”

“Yeah, she is outside in the van with the food. I must change my clothes and get the address.”

Ben pursed his lips, chewing on the inside of his cheek and nodded. Rey followed him upstairs, into the master bedroom, she went into the walk-in closet. She looked at all the beautiful dresses, wondering if it was a good idea to be petty. She put back the champagne coloured short satin dress and pulled out a black velvet one. She was putting on a pair of black silk stockings when she noticed a long white dress hanging in the back of the closet.

“What’s that?” she asked Ben later, as he approached her wearing a black shirt, black pants and a blue tartan blazer. He was so hot… Rey blinked and gulped, then pointed at the dress.

“That’s not my wedding dress,” she remarked.

“Oh, yeah… you got to keep it after a fashion show. You went there with a wedding-themed buffet, but ended up replacing one of the models.”

That made no sense. Why would she keep another wedding dress if she already had hers? And why was that dress on the bed the night she found the master bedroom all a mess? Was that really her dress or…

“Do you need help?”

Before she got to respond, Ben had already pulled her hair up, letting it fall on one shoulder. Rey licked her lips feeling his breath on her nape, then gasped once his fingers brushed against her skin as he was pulling up the zipper.

“It’s a little bit tight,” she remarked as the velvet was starting to press uncomfortably against her chest, and Ben was struggling with the zipper.

“It used to be rather large. Are your breasts bigger now?”

Rey looked down at her chest and touched it, cupping her breasts. The bra was a simple lace vintage style one, so there was nothing there to make them bigger. Maybe they truly were bigger. After all, she was no longer the girl he had fallen in love with, but a woman.

“You can touch them and see for yourself,” she provoked him apathetic.

Ben chuckled and forced the zipper to go all the way up, accidentally pinching Rey’s skin. She pulled away and massaged her skin, giving him a resentful look. Though, it was quite difficult to resist his charm, especially wearing those clothes and with his hair brushed like that.

“Why are you all dressed up?” she furrowed.

“I’m coming with you.”

“But I’m going with Rose and all I’ll be doing is serve food and get paid. You’re dressed for a party.”

He said nothing, leaving Rey to draw the conclusions.

“Kaydel had invited you long before she asked me to cook for her, right?”

Ben nodded and Rey rolled her eyes annoyed.

“Did you even get her a gift?”

“A perfume.”

Oh, so now he suddenly knew her favourite perfumes and which scent suited her skin best.

“There’s one for you too,” he pointed at the box on the nightstand. Rey passed by him and almost ran to get the box. She opened it hastily and perfumed herself, smiling at the pleasant aroma. It smelled like baby powder and gardenia.

_ Versace _ ? Wasn’t that a little bit out of their budget?

She turned to look at Ben, ready to tell him that he shouldn’t have, but he was so incredibly handsome and the face he had while sitting on the stairs was still haunting her…

“Thank you. I love it.”

Ben nodded cordially.

“It was my pleasure. Now let’s go.”

***

It was rather funny to go to a party all dressed up in fancy clothes, but arrive there in a van. Even funnier was the awkward tension between everyone in the van, as, despite Rose’s efforts of entertaining them with small talk and questions, the two were mostly silent or grumpy.

“I have to wake up at five tomorrow, so will you two mind if I leave?”

Rey stopped gazing at the tall buildings and city light and looked at Rose, who was struggling with a box. She ran to her and picked up the trays with no effort. She had experience. After all, she was the one doing most of the work when Maz was still alive, but not capable of driving anymore.

Though, she was now wondering how was she supposed to get back home given that she had no car. Besides, she didn't even know that town and she was quite unsure about going back home with Ben, especially given their tensed relationship. In fact, she was not yet certain whether he was willing to come back with her anyway or spend the night at Kaydel’s. Or  _ with  _ Kaydel.

“Can you help us?” she ordered Ben, who was already struggling with some heavy bags and a broken arm. He went to the intercom and waited until the front door was unlocked, then pushed the door wide open with his leg and held it like that until the girls came in. The elevator took them up to the eighth floor, where out of the three dark brown metal doors, the one decorated with silver and bright pink balloons was a giveaway. 

Rey inhaled deeply as she waited for the door to open. She was wondering if she was capable of throwing all those trays at Kaydel and beat her like a vicious animal. But Maz had raised her better. So she put on a fake smile and held in the most desperate scream as Kaydel opened the door and invited them in with the most gorgeous smile ever. She was wearing a similar black velvet dress, similar over-the-knee black leather boots, except Kaydel’s were not flat and made her look taller, and, oh! She was wearing her hair in a high ponytail and had on the best makeup she had ever seen. Rey sighed bitterly. She could have at least put on some lipstick.

“Everyone, this is my best friend, Ben, and his wife, who is going to feed our drunken bellies tonight!” she yelled at her friends, who did not seem to hear her anyway as the music was too loud. “Come. The kitchen is there.”

Rey let Ben step in first, then followed him with Rose behind her. The apartment had the same vibe as their living room with the heavy dark furniture and silver accents, except Kaydel’s had more futuristic elements. How was even such a young woman doing so well in terms of career and lifestyle? She was rich, gorgeous and in love with her job. Her only flaw was probably her need for stealing someone else’s boyfriend… husband.

“Mmm! That smells delicious!” said Kaydel once they all put the trays and boxes on the kitchen counter. “I thought you would never get here.”

“I must go now,” smiled Rose embarrassed. “We’ll talk later, Rey, ok?”

Rey nodded and mouthed a ‘thank you’.

“Bye, everyone! And happy birthday, Kaydel!”

“Thanks, bye!” she waved her hand, then turned to Ben once Rose closed the door behind her. “I do know her, right?”

Rey looked at the young woman barely standing and moving her hands chaotically, spilling the content of her glass a couple of times, before drinking it in one sip.

“So what have we got here?” she sang getting closer to Rey, who could now feel the sweet scent of her perfume and also the sour alcohol one. She shook her head reminding herself that Kaydel was her rival and, most importantly, employer for the night. So she began presenting her food.

“I made garlic butter bacon-wrapped chicken, Caprese stuffed chicken breast, herb butter roasted turkey with white wine and citrus, and three different puff pastry strudels with vegetables and cheese. I also cooked different types of potato dishes - we have the classic French fries with a touch of garlic and pesto, fried yams and wedges aaaand also purple potato chips with garlic and rosemary.”

Kaydel furrowed and pouted, then turned to look at Ben before looking once again at her.

“What about the seafood, the salmon and the vegetarian dishes?”

It was Rey’s time to look at her all confused.

“I dropped by yesterday and gave you a list of suggested dishes. I mean… you were sleeping, so I gave it to Ben.”

Rey parted her lips not sure of what she could say. She looked at her husband, who shrugged impassively. For a moment, she felt the urge to lash at him and throw all the food on the floor, but then she remembered how she had found the kitchen. He would have told her, had she given him the opportunity.

“I’m sorry,” she said barely believing her own words. “I was so focused on my ideas that Ben did not get to give me your notes. But there are enough vegetables for your vegetarian guests!”

Rey looked at Kaydel, who seemed too drunk to even process the information. The woman looked at her empty glass, then at the dishes and suddenly grabbed a piece of chicken and ate it making strange noises. By the look Ben was giving her, she was supposedly the vegetarian one, not any of her guests.

“What else?” she said licking her fingers.

Rey blinked confused and showed her the boxes.

“I made mini mojito cupcakes, tiramisu brownies, tiramisu biscoff cupcakes, chocolate mocha latte cupcakes, baked coffee doughnuts and dark chocolate and white coffee mousse cake.”

“Wow,” said Ben visibly impressed and offered the birthday girl one of the cupcakes. He looked at Rey as if trying to send her a silent message.

“Yeah! Wow at everything, Rey! You’re amazing!”

Rey felt uncomfortable with her drunk enthusiasm and looked back at Ben. She cleared her throat, then added:

“Can I… umm… can you show me around? Where do you want me to put them and wh-”

“Wherever you want,” she sighed. “The whole place is yours. Do as you please.”

The Solos once again looked at each other following the awkwardness of Kaydel’s behaviour. Rey was no one to judge, as she knew very well the stupid things she had said herself that time she got drunk with Ben in her old bedroom. Therefore, she started unpacking everything and rearranging the sweets, while still listening very carefully to what Ben and she were talking.

“Thanks,” she heard her say as she was unpacking her gift. “You shouldn't have. You know you’re not doing well financially.”

Ben shrugged.

“It’s not much. Something to thank you for all the help and support.”

“Thanks again,” she said smiling and leaned in for a hug before taking a step back. Rey was not sure whether she did it out of respect or fear in what concerned her, or out of concern for Ben’s arm.

“You’ve changed your hair colour,” he remarked.

“ _ Did you cut your hair? _ ” said a younger Ben.

“ _ Yeah, don’t you like it? It was getting annoying to cook and bake all day and have such long hair. Besides, short bobs are the latest trend. I know you can’t pull my hair anymore, but maybe it’s time to consider spanking. _ ”

Kaydel grabbed her ponytail and looked at her hair.

“Yeah… it’s something like almost dry sand. You know? When sand is wet, but beginning to dry and-”

“Yeah, I am not a fan of sand. But it does remind of the shell of a peanut.”

“Peanut?”

“Yeah, you’re a peanut.”

Kaydel rolled her eyes at him, then laughed, not because he was necessarily funny, but because she was quite tipsy. Still spying on them and vaguely flustered by her flashback, Rey smiled, getting from those two the same vibe she used to have when she was around Finn. Her own peanut. 

“Is this gluten-free?”

The young woman jumped startled, almost dropping the trays on her way to the dining table. She looked at the man with a thin moustache, reminding her of a villain from an old black and white French movie. What was even  _ gluten _ ? She uttered a bored ‘yes’ and continued listening to Ben and Kaydel, who were now almost hidden behind the fridge and too far away from her anyway.

“So what happened? It’s unlike you to get drunk so early. And not to mention how miserable you look.”

“I thought I looked fantastic,” she mumbled with false disappointment.

“Kay…”

“Fine!”

That last exclamation came with a tremor and even though she could not see her, she guessed correctly that she was about to cry.

“You know that guy I was going on a date with, but then  _ someone  _ had a car accident and I had to cancel it?”

“Yeah?” chuckled Ben.

“Well, we eventually went on a date… three actually or maybe seven if we count the less conventional ones. And he was supposed to be here tonight, but cancelled it last minute.”

Ben remained silent for a moment, then burst out laughing. 

“I swear you’re such an ass!” she yelled.

“I’m sorry, but you’re ruining your own birthday party for a guy you’ve just met. What’s not to laugh about?” he kept laughing but stopped out of the sudden. Rey took a step to the right and bent over the table trying to see what was going on.

“I’m all alone, Ben,” her voice cracked. “ _ All _ alone. These people here only came for the free food and drinks and because I help them each time they’re in big shit. But I doubt any of them even knows my middle name.”

“Korrine.”

Rey heard Kaydel finally giggle.

“That’s why you’re my only true friend. You’re still an ass though.”

A long silence from those two and Rey was getting uneasy, especially with the guests getting around the table to devour her food and blocking her view entirely. She pushed a guest wearing a purple sequin suit and made her way to the other side of the kitchen, where her husband and rival were sitting on the floor, eating some of her mojito cupcakes.

“I’m telling you. This guy is my Rey,” said Kaydel sniffing. “I’ve never had such a connection with anyone. Not even Poe. It’s just like you described your bond thing with your wife.”

“I still think you’re rushing.”

“I’m not getting any younger.”

“You’re twenty-seven, not in your late hundreds, dumbass.”

Rey cleared her throat and the two looked up to her. Part of her wished to throw herself on the floor, next to them. But she had to listen to the more reasonable one.

“I’ve arranged and rearranged the trays and platters, but your guests are already pretty much devouring everything.”

“Of course they do,” she rolled her eyes and slammed her hand on the counter to help herself get up. “Please enjoy yourselves.”

Rey watched her leave stomping her feet. She giggled and stretched her arm, helping Ben get up. 

“How’s my little chef?” he asked on a neutral tone. Rey did not take it personally for once, as she guessed that he was just putting on his shield after their passive-aggressive journey. He was obviously waiting for her to attack him or accuse him. Instead, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on his cheek, then pulled back and licked her lips, rubbing the sensitive skin above the upper lip.

Ben gave her a mischievous smile and she furrowed.

“You grew your beard to keep me from kissing your cheek?”

“Yeah, obviously,” he said all serious. “This way you can only kiss my lips.”

Rey looked at him unsure whether he was toying with her as a mockery or just to provoke her. She had been a fool, a jealous fool and her childish tantrums were now embarrassing to even remember, let alone mention. So yeah, there was nothing between Kaydel and her husband apart from the same nice friendship she used to share with Finn. And if she and Finn managed to be sister and brother despite the cruelty of the other children in Maz’s house and despite not sharing a single drop of blood, then it wasn’t impossible for those two to be so close, especially having so much in common. But that didn’t change the fact that Ben was still cruel and pretty much an oblivious idiot. He didn’t deserve a kiss on the lips… at least for now.

She turned her back on him and got out of the kitchen, immediately getting stricken by the lights in the living room and the noise. Too much noise and too many people she didn’t even know. She had fulfilled her part of the deal, so was why she even there at that point. Ben could stay for all she cared, but she needed her money and some time alone in her bed, with her diary, new discoveries and nothing to distract her.

“Y’all, shut up!” Kaydel spoke climbed on a tiny stage by the glass wall separating the living room from the terrace where a large number of guests were smoking and laughing. Surprisingly, everyone was suddenly quiet.

“I want to thank you all for joining me on this important evening. I am one year older and the older I get, the more bitter I turn, so thank you once again for not running away from me in these dreadful moments.”

The guests laughed amused and Rey herself smiled, but that self-irony was quite sad knowing what she knew. And somehow she could understand her. When she woke up by the frozen lake, she had the mind of a teenager and the body of a young woman, who had gone through too many things. And as her memory was returning, even in fractured pieces, she was beginning to understand her own frustrations and the changes that had occurred in those years absent from her current memory.

“Anyway, I want to celebrate this golden coin in my red velvet age-purse by singing with y’all some of my favourite songs.”

The guests applauded as if they were a bunch of synchronized machines.

“And I can’t sing without my best friend, so I invite my gorgeous best friend on stage. Ben?”

Rey jumped startled as Ben appeared behind her. He had a terrified look on his face as everyone was watching him and chanting his name to get him on stage. He looked at Rey, seeking her approval or her help to get out of that situation. Either way, she didn’t flinch, nor did she give him any suggestion. So Ben sighed and joined Kaydel on the stage, visibly awkward and uncomfortable, while she returned to the buffet to check on the platters and food… or what was left after those sharks pillaged and plundered.

The music started playing and the people cheered as Kaydel sang the first lines. 

“ _ Just like the white winged dove _ … Sing, Solo!” she shoved the microphone in his hand.

“No!” he shook his head desperately.

“ _ Whoo-whoo-whoo _ ! SING, SOLO!”

Kaydel rolled her eyes and Ben finally brought the microphone to his lips.

“ _ Just like the white winged dove, sings a song sounds like she’s singin’ _ ...”

“ _ Whoo-whoo-whoo _ !”

“ _ And the days go by like a strand in the wind _ -”

“ _ In the web that is my own I begin _ . Fuck, Solo! SING!”

His voice was not bad at all noticed Rey. He was no pop star, but he did have an interesting musical-like style. But still, Ben shook his head and laughed all embarrassed. He sought Rey in the crowd and when his eyes finally met hers, she knew she had to encourage him. To make him let it go. So she nodded with a sweet smile and started clapping with the others.

“ _ He was no more _ ,” continued Kaydel.

“ _ He was no mooore than a baby THEN. Well, he seemed broken hearted. Somethin’ within him, but the moment that I first laid eyes on him, all alone on the eeedge of seventeeeeen _ .”

Ben’s newly found passion impressed everyone, including Kaydel and Rey, who looked at him with their mouths wide open. The two sang the song accompanied by everyone at the party till the end. They took a bow and enjoyed the cheers. That genuine proud smile of Ben’s was making Rey’s heart melt with love. And she didn’t want to feel that. Not when she was still angry with him and disappointed by his indecision regarding their relationship. 

“Thank you,” he spoke. “Thank you and happy birthday, Kaydel. Thank you for sharing your spotlight with me. And I also need to thank the person who encouraged me to give such a performance… my own heart, my beautiful wife, Rey.”

People turned to Rey, who turned red immediately. She loved attention, but not in that moment and not from those strangers. She gave her husband a resentful look and he chuckled.

“Now it wouldn’t be fair for me to enjoy all the attention on my own. Kaydel?”

Kaydel looked at Rey and stretched out her arm.

“Wanna come up and sing something?”

Rey looked at Kaydel with huge perplexed eyes and shook her head, but it was already too late. She was being pushed by the other guests until she woke up on the stage.

And Ben had disappeared from her sight. Of course.

She cursed the entire humiliating situation and did not even pay attention to the song that Kaydel was already singing until she heard her own voice singing.

“ _ Un-breaaaak my heeaaart… say you’ll love me agaaain… Undo this hurt you caused when you walked out the door and walked out of my life _ .”

Her eyes feel on the other corner of the room. Oh, there was Ben, her grumpy dark prince, sitting on the sofa, staring at her, making her feel naked in front of all those strangers. The bloody bastard. 

“ _ Un-cry these teeaaars I cried so many nights… Un-break my heart, my he-heart _ .” 

***

Hours later, some couples were still dancing, chatting, drinking and smoking on the terrace, whereas the living room was full of drunk and possible drugged people, all passed out on the sofa, in the armchairs and even on the floor. Some of Rey’s goodies were on the sun-shaped mirror, as someone felt the need to use them like darts. She looked at them disgusted with those shallow people, who knew nothing about poverty and how much each spoon of sugar and glass of water mattered. She looked at the thick stack of money in her hand and put it inside her coat. A very drunk Kaydel with messy hair and smudged makeup had given it to her before entering her bedroom just to change her dress. She never returned. Not that she cared, as all she wanted was to go back home or at least leave that place. It had been fun singing and even dancing a bit, as it was a welcomed change from that dreadful solitude, but she was still not comfortable among strangers. But at least no one knew her or her story as told by those eager to accuse her of the worst things.

“Here you are!” she heard Ben behind her. She turned around and found him wearing his coat and large scarf.

“Are you ready to go?”

Rey nodded and followed him outside, where the air was clearer and the buzzing noise from the stereo speakers was far away from them.

“I wanted to say goodbye to Kay, but I couldn’t find her,” said Ben and Rey wondered if he was actually talking to himself or just trying to make small talk.

“I think she went to bed.”

Ben grimaced and held the door for her. As Rey passed by, she felt his tempting scent tainted by the disgusting smell of cigarettes and tacky perfumes. She stopped in front of him and looked at him, even if he was busy looking at his shoes, avoiding her.

“Do you want to go grab a bite? I’ve noticed you haven’t eaten anything and I swear right now I would give up a kidney for a burger and some fries.”

Ben smiled.

“Are you asking me on a date?”

Rey rolled her eyes.

“Eating out is not a true date.”

She pursed her lips and grabbed the tip of one of his dark locks, playing with it.

“So? What do you say? I have money now.”

They both laughed.

It was beginning to snow and the city lights were giving the impression that they had run away up in the sky only to later fall on people.

***

“Do you remember that cinema in our old town, where we used to go watch movies whenever we wanted?”

There were only seven more passengers in that late-night train and they were far enough to not hear them talk or see them stuff their mouths with fries. Rey had her head rested on Ben’s shoulder and was staring outside the window at the sea of trees and buildings. It was still snowing and she knew that by the time the got home, it would be impossible to walk on the streets.

“No,” she muttered chewing on a jalapeno mozzarella stick.

Taking her by surprise, Ben made no other remark regarding her current state and just continued his story.

“It’s this place my mom used to go when she was a teen. They play movies all day and all night. It became famous during the power outages when it was the only place still working on a generator. We should go there… like… right now.”

Rey lifted her head and stared at him with the jalapeno mozzarella stick still in her mouth. 

“We can buy another ticket from the ticket inspector. It’s not as if the train is full and we’re stealing someone’s seats.”

“Wait… are  _ you  _ asking me on a date?”

Ben smiled and tilted his head as if telling her ‘going to the movies is not a true date’ just to prove a point. Instead, he shrugged and took a large bite out of his spicy burger.

“Yes,” he admitted. “I’m asking you on a date. You have time to say no.”

“Too bad. I want to go on a date with you.”

He swallowed the last bite and folded the wrap neatly.

“You know…” she said watching his every move. “Today I realised that after all, I still don’t really know you. There are only things I thought I knew about you based on my few memories. But I am still not the Rey who knew you best.”

He put the wrap back in the paper bag and took out another burger.

“Well… I guess you’ll get to know me in time.”

“Yeah, I suppose. But at least I am sure of one thing.”

“And that is…”

He had some crumbs in his beard and a little ketchup on his upper lip. But as funny as he looked like that, his dark eyes and piercing gaze were much more distracting. She was not certain about the possibility of him having any mind-reading powers, but in case he did, she held his gaze as she leaned in and approached his face.

“I love you, Ben Solo. And I’m never letting you go.”

The kiss was so short that it seemed like a product of his imagination, yet with Rey leaning against the window and having something of his wife in her and of his sweet young girlfriend, Ben accepted the reality. Memory or no memory, that was  _ his  _ wife and she was not going anywhere.

“Oh, and please keep the burger wrap with the doughnuts and the unicorns. It’s cute and I want to put it in my scrapbook,” she winked at him and giggled seeing him flustered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3/3 of this huge chapter I thought I would never finish. I've been trying to update the story for the past three days, so I eventually had to rush it again. Thank you to all those so invested in it!


	15. Where I Belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy December! Enjoy the fluff... and drama!

Rey looked at her reflection in the pot and touched her short hair, letting her hand slip on the back of her head, where she massaged her scalp. Her head was hurting as usual, except this time her entire body was in pain. Her legs were shaking and her hands had been incapable of creating any shapes out of the fondant that was now starting to resemble a mass of clay in the hands of an aggressive toddler. 

“I think I need to rest,” she uttered barely recognizing her surroundings. Her vision was getting blurrier and the ringing in her ears was not helping her headache, nor her equilibrium. She leaned on the left, feeling the chair bump into her hip, then grabbed it quickly and sat down.

“Rest? More like an entire break.”

Her heartbeat was unusually agitated, making it difficult to breathe, whereas sweat drops were running down her back and, oh, they were so cold! Her body suddenly moved on its own and shook making it seem as if she was floating. It was nice, though the movement was worsening her nausea.

The floating sensation ceased once her body touched the hard mattress. Ben lifted her head to shove a pillow under it, then sat on the bed, next to her. Rey opened her eyes, glad that the lighting in their bedroom was not bright enough to make even her eyes hurt. It was pleasantly dim, so she turned her head to the right, enjoying the soft texture and autumny scent of her pillow, as well as the beautiful face of her husband.

“Hey,” she smiled weakly. However, Ben did not flinch. His face was quite revealing and she could tell that he was worried and intrigued. And ready to have none of her bullshit.

“So… do you have anything to tell me?”

***

Rey winced opening her eyes. Her vision cleared, meeting the annoying bright light of an early afternoon. The sky was rather dark, but the sun rays were escaping right through two clouds, announcing a lazy day in bed for everyone. She yawned rubbing her eyes, then stretched her body like a satisfied kitten. She had tilted her head abruptly when her neck cracked. She lifted her hand immediately to massage her nape as she did in her dream. She pressed her fingers gently, then her hand went up and reached the same point at the back of her head like in the dream. Were her headaches not the product of her memory loss, but maybe the cause? The only thing she knew about her physical state was that apart from the few bruises, she had no concussions that might have caused the amnesia. However, even as a poor girl with no knowledge of human anatomy and no degree in anything, she could clearly feel the weird shape of her skull. It was not a hole, but it did seem like a long scar. And if it was too old for the doctors to pay attention to it, then how come she did not remember having it before?

“Why are you awake and not in my arms?” murmured her grumpy husband pulling her closer to his body and successfully distracting her from her grim thoughts.

“It’s late,” she giggled as Ben’s growing beard touched her skin.

“It’s weekend.”

He was right. After all, Ben had been working so much those past days to make up for his absence from work. Besides, it was breaking dawn when they returned home. Their old town was as covered in snow as the rest of the region, surprisingly, but they still managed to reach the old cinema. Strangely, they were not the only lost souls attending such late screenings. But just as it was the case with the train journey, the cinema had only a few clients, which made it quite intimate. Their plan was to watch at least three movies, but whereas the screening of  _ The Man Who Laughs _ had enjoyed their entire attention, by the first quarter of _ The Phantom of the Opera _ , they were already falling asleep every couple of minutes. So they eventually called it a day and went back to the train station to catch the first bus taking them home and actually dropping them close by to get to their house on foot. Once arrived, Rey took of her tall boots, covered completely in snow, wet coat and hat, and looked at the guest bedroom door. She couldn’t believe what a day she had. It felt like Hercules’ final labour and apparently, she did win because she had her fingers around the knob when Ben cleared his throat and invited her to return by his side, in their matrimonial bed. She knew that overthinking her possibilities would cause only more drama for both of them, so she accepted his invitation on the spot, following him inside. Their clothes and hair were stinky from the cigar smoke and the mixture of scents and perfumes, but they agreed together to just undress and go to bed. Luckily for Ben, he had his pyjamas right there on the bed, but Rey was too tired and lazy to go look for hers in the guest bedroom or maybe bathroom. or even take a new pair from the dresser. So, she took advantage of her husband hiding his body while taking off his pants, and undressed completely, except for her panties. Her fifth-worst fear came true, however, because Ben cleared his throat and offered her his pyjama blouse, as it was too hot for him to wear it anyway. Rey pouted at first, but once she felt his scent impregnated in the cotton touching her skin, she thanked him and got in the bed, falling asleep on his chest. And now that tempting chest of his was seducing her into kissing it and licking it or maybe even… 

“Did you just bite me?” he snarled playfully.

“Yeah, I wanted to check if this is real or one of my dreams,” she licked her lips and waited for him to lean in and kiss her. Those full lips and ticklish beard… 

As Ben kissed her, she took her time to explore his chest. Every now and then, she found scars, memorabilia of his rebellious and troubled college years.

_ Oh, how I love you…  _

He was so incredibly gorgeous. He had the body of a god, the best lips she could have ever kissed, the sweetest dark eyes and the cutest nose. His hair was pure silk and his voice was better than any orgasm. Or at least better than any she could give to herself.

“You know… my period is already over.”

Ben stopped and she could see he was hesitant once again.

“Umm… what I wanted to say is…” she bit the inside of her cheek, then shook her head. No taking backs, no apologies, no denials, no lies.

“I love you so much, Ben.”

His gaze softened, putting the shield back down.

“And when you’re ready and want to make love to me… I am ready. No rush, no pressure.”

Ben kissed her forehead.

“Once I feel less shitty with this broken arm, I promise we’ll try. But meanwhile…”

“Yes?” she looked at him all excited. According to her shattered mind, there were other ways of making love. Too bad Ben was not considering any of them.

“Do you want to take a bath together?” he bit his lip seductively. 

“A bath?” she furrowed.

“Yeah, together.”

Rey pursed her lips.

“But isn’t the shower too… I mean there’s not much space.”

‘Oh, trust me. There’s enough space for  _ certain  _ activities.”

Rey’s eyes grew wider and she smiled flustered. She was so much braver when she was the one making advances at him, but when he was insinuating even the tiniest thing, she was so overwhelmed and aware of her size and lack of experience… at least in what concerned her overall knowledge.

“So? What do you say? The bathtub is much larger.”

Why was he even asking at that point?

The master bathroom was indeed huge and it had an in-floor bathtub the size of a tiny swimming pool. Rey waited for Ben to fill it with water and put in some bath salts and oils, while she stood patiently waiting for him to finish. She took off her slippers, touching the cold marble floor with her naked feet, then once Ben pulled down his pyjama pants and got inside, she quickly took off her borrowed pyjama blouse and threw herself in, splashing the water all over and taking her husband by surprise.

“What are you doing?” he laughed.

“What? It was cold outside,” she smiled playfully.

The bubbles were beginning to fill the bathtub and the lemon cupcake scent was calming and absolutely delicious. Ben dunk his head and got out all wet, splashing her this time. She giggled and let her body sink deeper.

“It’s wonderful,” she remarked joyfully. Ben had taken one of her feet and began massaging it. Even with only one hand, he was quite talented and knew exactly where to press. After massaging the sole, which was indeed rather tense after the previous day, his hands moved up to the ankle. He rubbed it gently, observing the scar surrounding it in a perfect circle. He looked at Rey, whose face was going from pleasure to discomfort depending on where he pressed his fingers and exhaled trying to put out the fire building inside him. He had had his anger issues back in college, but for years he had been nothing but passive and tranquil. Yet now he was fighting once again his violent urges, especially the one to run to the police station and make a huge scandal for being an institution full of incompetents. 

He kissed her ankle, then playfully pulled her leg. Rey screamed panicked, before her head went underwater, then lifted her body using her elbows and spit out the water that got in her mouth.

“You jerk!” she splashed him with water.

“Want to wash my hair?” he laughed winning her heart with that gorgeous smile.

Rey looked at him and at his long dark locks, then moved closer and so did he. She found a bottle of shampoo in the basket lying on the floor and poured a large amount in her palm. She rubbed her hands together then combed his hair with her thin fingers, leaving the shampoo between the thick hair strands.

“It’s not fair to have such gorgeous hair,” she sighed. “At least our children might have a chance of inheriting your genes.”

“Children?” he chuckled. “I don’t know…”

Rey stopped from massaging his scalp and looked at him.

“Sorry… I know you’ve said we’ve never discussed this before, but maybe… in the future… you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” he nodded. “I’m just saying that I’d be a shitty dad. A shitty son can only be a shitty dad.”

Rey pinched his nose.

“And you think I, an orphan, would be a much better mom? We’ll grow up, Ben, and by the time we decide to have babies, we’ll be more mature and we’ll learn things together. No one is born knowing how to be a parent. I mean… I guess some things are in our blood and it is a matter of instinct.”

Ben chewed on his lip.

“When… After you went missing and everyone was poisoning me with all sort of theories, I laid on the floor a couple of times and thought about this. About the family that we would never get to have anymore. We were so caught up in living the moment, that the idea of living all alone for the rest of my life, without you, was… it was so horrible. Living on my own in this empty house, where your smell was still impregnated in every single thing, I began daydreaming and imagining how our life could have been. What it would have been like having children and…” 

His voice was betraying his misery, so Rey put her finger on his lips to shush him. It was high time he revealed his true feelings and thoughts, but his words were hurting her deeply, even if it was not neither fault. So she did her best to look fine and put on a brave face. And even if she didn’t remember it yet, she knew that was pretty experienced when it came to dissimulating. 

“I’m here now,” she said and took the showerhead to rinse his hair.

Ben smiled with sadness and let his gaze fall on his wife’s breasts. They were so pretty and tempting. He bit his lip and clenched his fist around the sponge, gladly for once that his other hand was immobilized. They were also so… He furrowed. They were indeed bigger. Much bigger. And even though it wouldn’t have been proper for him to suddenly touch her like that, just by looking at them, he could tell that they were still natural. And those stretch marks…

“Do you have a  _ tattoo _ ?”

Ben flinched startled at Rey’s high pitched voice and surprised face.  _ Tattoo _ ?

“Oh yeah,” he chuckled lifting his hair and tilting his head, revealing his tattoo.

Rey squinted her eyes.

“It’s a cross?”

“No, it’s a lightsaber.”

“Oh!” exclaimed Rey noticing the resemblance between his tattoo and the clock hand she saw in her old cafe.

“You also have one. They’re matching tattoos.”

“Really?” she smiled and lifted her hair, but judging after the location of Ben’s tattoo, she realised that she couldn’t see hers without a mirror. However, Ben leaned in and checked her neck. It was a good thing that his face was already serious because only the shock kept him from an ugly grimace.

“What’s wrong? Has mine lost its colour?” she joked innocently. But Ben could not share her goodwill. The white burn scar on her neck that was now replacing her blue lightsaber tattoo was too much to digest. He let go of the shower gel bottle and put his large hand on her head, pulling her closer at his chest. Her breasts were tickling his skin and he could feel her hand on his thigh, so close to his…

“What’s wrong with your head?” it was his time to ask.

“Amnesia?” she snorted. 

“No!” He massaged her head under the heavy layers of wet hair. “What’s this?” 

Her hair was much shorter there, but it was not the size that was bothering him. It was the long deep scar. Before she got to open her mouth, he turned her around and parted her hair. Oh, dear… it was indeed a very ugly scar.

“Oh, about that…” she finally spoke. “I actually wanted to ask you if you know what happened. I don’t remember having it before and I’ve only noticed it this morning. I had a dream… a memory I think and my head was hurting right there and then I woke up and found this.”

She spoke so quickly that Ben barely managed to understand her words. He was too shocked by the discovery of the long curved scar.

“You didn’t have this before,” he told her all serious. “However, you did have a tattoo, which is now gone.”

Rey furrowed and without even minding her own naked body, she got out of the bathtub and looked in the mirror. She had felt the scar, but the tattoo was intriguing her. And now, she was even more intrigued by the white burn scar.

“What happened to me?” she uttered feeling the panic building inside her. She turned to face her husband for comfort and answers, but his gaze was not meeting hers. Instead, he was observing the deep stretch marks on her hips and belly. How could he give her even the most ridiculous calming answer when he was asking himself the same thing.

“Come,” he managed to say, inviting her back in the bathtub. She let out a sob, then stepped inside, and put her arms around his waist. Ben caressed her head and inhaled deeply. Their quiet day together was over. 

***

“I’m sorry for ruining everything,” she sniffed cuddling at his chest. The water was getting cold, the bubbles were pretty much gone and even Ben’s hair was almost completely dry, except for his tips. Their honeymoon at home was ruined and so was their mood.

“It’s ok,” he murmured kissing her forehead as she whimpered. She wanted to ask him to fill the bathtub with hot water again, but her fingers had now an unpleasant texture, meaning that she should no longer mop around in there.

“How about we rinse our bodies and get the hell out of here to grab a bite and mind our current lives?”

Rey lifted her head being immediately surprised with a sweet kiss on the lips. He was so wonderful… 

She got up and let Ben wash off the lather, then cover her with a huge white towel, before giving her a bathrobe. As she was making a turban out of the towel, she peaked at Ben’s body. Had she not been so upset, he wouldn’t have gone away with depriving her of enjoying that dessert. He could hide how much he wanted, but even the mere sight of his back and butt was making her knees weak.

“You seem better,” he remarked tying his bathrobe. She was sure the jerk was well-aware of his effect on her.

“Yeah,” she exhaled flustered. “I guess it was the shock of being exposed to so much information so sudden. I panicked.”

“We should go to the hospital on Monday and ask for your file,” he suggested brushing his hair. Rey looked at the wet tips of his hair, then approached him and snatched his brush, beginning to clumsily brush his hair.

“Ben, were there any pieces of evidence? I can’t remember if you’ve already told me.”

“No evidence,” he purred making her snort. “I mean… except for your red scarf. It had blood on it and it was found hanging in a tree by the lake. Your phone, computer and everything else were clean. Work, work and work.”

“So everyone presumed I’ve run away with someone else or died by your hand or by drowning just… because?”

“The press and social media are trash. People are trash.”

Press? Social media? How come she had never considered looking herself up online?

“Can I get a computer?” she asked cautiously, expecting a blatant refusal. 

“You can use my tablet if you want. It’s connected to the cloud, so you can access your email address and get familiar to your former life as a famous chef.”

“I was not famous,” she snorted. Or was she? She exhaled frustrated. “Geez, I swear I sometimes can’t wait to for all of this to be over and just be… happy.”

“We can still be happy,” he purred again. “Contrary to my overall grumpiness and our arguments, I have been happy ever since I saw you in that ambulance.”

“You were fucking miserable just a couple of days ago, you grumpy old man,” she rolled her eyes then made an embarrassed grimace. Maz would have been so disappointed in her and her foul language. But Ben was not Maz, so he turned around and pushed her to the wall with his huge body. He grinned playfully, making her giggle.

“You are so fucking lucky I have a broken arm,” he said kissing her on the lips after each word. “I could still punish you though.”

“Really?” she bit her lip. “I might like whatever you have in store for me.”

“I know,” he purred one last time before Rey grabbed his head and pulled him into a hasty yet passionate kiss.

“Can… can you go downstairs and make something good to eat?” he asked breathlessly, licking his lips. “I’ll follow you in a few minutes.”

“Is everything ok?” she panted. “Have I done anything wrong?”

“Nothing. You’re perfect.”

She looked him in the eye seeing nothing but pure adoration.

“Fine,” she nodded, before pressing her lips against his one last time.

As she went downstairs, she felt as if she was floating. Everything was finally fine. No more misunderstandings, no more jealousy, no more third parties involved in their life as a couple. No more problems. Except for her missing three years. But she was not going to ruin her day once more by thinking about such a thing. So, she entered the kitchen and started putting back the bags of flour and sugar, the canned fruit, the fresh fruit, vegetables, the bowls and utensils.

_ Now it’s perfect _ , she thought admiring her shiny counters as she walked to the fridge. She took out some leftovers and a carton of milk, then put the leftovers in the microwave oven and the milk in a pot on the stove. She then went back to one of the cupboards and took out a bar of chocolate. She chopped it, then added a spoon of sugar in the milk and stirred. In another pot, she added the chopped chocolate and two spoons of milk until it melted. She poured the rest of the milk and stirred one more time until the colour became a soft brown. Satisfied with the results, she prepared two mugs, in which she poured the hot chocolate milk, and then a plate full of homemade cookies, and two others with leftovers.

She looked at the staircase, wondering what took Ben so long, then back at the counter. Eating at the kitchen table did not seem too tempting. Perhaps there were other options, more romantic or at least more interesting and cosy? The living room seemed cosy enough, but even after concluding that Kaydel was not trying to steal her husband, she still could not stay there without seeing them chatting and laughing. She crossed the living room and reached the other door leading to the greenhouse turned terrace. The door opened with a long creaking noise and she stepped inside. Good thing she had her slipper on, as it was rather cold in there. A piece of glass was shattered on the floor and through the hole, some birds had made their way in, as well as snow. Rey hit the light switch with the back of her palm, but the lights remained off. It seemed that the lightbulb was shattered into pieces as well. Maybe a candle would do? She ran to the pantry, where she found only some birthday candles. She took them all and shoved them in the soil of a potted plant, then lit them. They were not making much of a difference, but it was enough to see the food. Now where to sit… She pulled two chairs and covered them with two blankets she had found in a box in the pantry as well. For the food, she considered waiting for Ben, but with his broken arm, he wouldn’t have been of much help anyway, so she had the privilege of arranging everything on her own. It did not look exactly romantic, but it was cute.

“Rey?” she heard her name.

“Over here!”

Moments later, Ben stopped at the door, wearing a pair of black pants, a scarlet red long-sleeved T-shirt and slippers. His hair was dry and he looked far more presentable than she did. Rey sat on the chair and pulled the blanket over her shoulders. Whereas it was chilly, the bathrobe was keeping her warm enough. However, she was not exactly presentable.

“You did all of these?” said Ben visibly surprised and touched.

“No,” she rolled her eyes. “I called an entire army to help me. I was really wondering what took you so long,” she pointed at his comfortable clothes.

Ben touched his hair, still warm from the blow dryer, then sat down.

“I texted Luke. Perhaps he can help us.”

“Yeah…” she pouted no longer interested in that conversation. “So what’s the deal with this place?” she diverted. “It’s a mess.”

Ben took a bite out of a shrimp and looked around.

“I’ve pretty much abandoned it,” he admitted. “We used to take care of the plants together - we even grew a couple of vegetables and had some trees. I had to sell the jacuzzi, though. And…”

“And?” watched him Rey absorbed by each word he spoke and shade on his face.

“Well… I…” he sighed. “When the accusations were made, some stupid kids began throwing rocks and breaking the stained glass. I replaced it with something darker to avoid being spied on. Not that I ever stepped foot inside here anymore.”

“Ben,” she said putting down her fork and grabbing her cup of chocolate milk. “After yesterday, I have decided to go back to work. I will help Rose and make money to pay off whatever debts you might have and to keep this house. And I want to repair this greenhouse or whatever it is. If we can really not make it, then I will give you my signature and we can move somewhere else eventually. As long as we’re together, I am happy.  _ You  _ make me happy.”

The soft sigh made her relax. Ben wiped the corner of his mouth with a napkin, then took her hand, caressing it with his gentle fingers. Her heart seemed to stop for a moment. Was he finally going to say those three words? The only time she heard him say them, his voice lacked any emotion and pretty much so did his heart. It sounded more like an excuse to keep himself from throwing her out or strangling her. But now… oh, how she needed to hear those words!

“What’s this?”

_ Oh… _ her enthusiasm perished. She pulled her hand and then took the ring off her thumb. She had been wearing it ever since she’d found it on the floor. How come he didn’t notice it until now?

“I think it’s yours?” she said taking his head and dropping it in his palm. Ben analyzed its texture with his fingers, then laughed.

“I thought I’d lost it after I returned from the hospital. I’ve been looking for it like mad.”

So that explained the disaster in the master bedroom. But why was he so desperate? It was just a ring. Unless…

“Is that your wedding ring?”

Ben lifted his head to look at her.

“Thank you.”

Rey nodded. She was happy for Ben, but now her finger was uncomfortably naked. Not her thumb, ironically, but the index. The one where she knew her own engagement and wedding rings were supposed to be. They finished eating their meals and drinking their chocolate milk. As the evening was turning into nighttime, the place was getting colder and darker, not to mention eerier. Ben helped her clean up, looking at her serious face from time to time. She was wiping her wet hands when he stood in front of her with the intention of making her talk. But Rey’s big eyes stared at him with innocence, before she ran to the place where he was keeping his money for the weekly expenses. She took out the notebook, then checked her coat pocket.

“As I promised,” she said putting back the money she had taken. “Every bill is back to its place and I have some for Rose and then enough for… I don’t know. What am I supposed to do with them?”

She turned around to talk face to face, but he didn’t seem to care about the money.

“Keep it for your other expenses, if you want to work again.”

“Oh yeah,” she smiled. “It’s like an investment. Ok then.”

She put the money in the back of the notebook, making a mental note to look for a bag and a wallet in the closet. She also needed papers. Her ID… where were her things? And the car key. She had a car according to Ben.

“What’s going through your mind?” he approached her.

She shook her head.

“Nothing and everything.”

She looked at her feet, then out of the window. It was already so dark. Time was passing so quickly and that day ended up being even more overwhelming than the previous one. She also needed to write everything in her diary.

“What now?” she heard herself say without even acknowledging the moment she had thought of that question.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Sure,” she smiled without much enthusiasm.

Ben noticed the dark cloud making his beautiful wife sad. So he did the only thing he could. He grabbed her by the bathrobe, pulling her closer, and kissed her. Rey stared at him surprised, but not as surprised as she ended once he finally uttered:

“I love you, Rey. I love you the most.”

She bit her lip feeling the tears filling her eyes. He meant it. He was indeed honest and nothing could change her mind regarding his feelings.

“Now let’s go upstairs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title refers to the song 'Where I Belong' by Longfellow (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIw52v9XXB4).
> 
> I might write my first Christmas-themed Reylo one-shot story this week, so the next chapter might be posted on Sunday.


	16. The Ghost of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might break some hearts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! Once again, thank you for the support and feedback!  
My poor health has been keeping from writing as I have terrible headaches and I must lie in bed most of the time to keep myself from getting too dizzy and fainting.  
Anyway, I most likely won't be able to write my 12 Christmas-themed Reylo one-shots and short stories. So I am asking you to take a look at this poll (https://forms.gle/gLVSDZZJdacgT98L8) and vote which ones seem more interesting and I'll write at least the one that gets the most votes.

One thing he knew for sure was that his heart was feeling funny and that the air he was breathing was void of any oxygen. The ringing in his ears wasn’t helping much either. And even though he was sitting on a chair, he had no control over his body and was well aware that he would fall anytime soon.

“Ben? Can you hear me?”

He could hear him, yes, but not see him. All he could see was the white sheet covering the corpse of the woman he loved the most. The one he was being accused of having murdered. But he couldn’t have done such atrocity. He truly loved her more than anything. She had changed his life completely ever since she had made her way in his heart. And now she ended up changing it once again, once she left for good.

He grabbed the sheet and looked at Luke’s old face. He had a serious look on, but he could tell he was terrified as well. According to the police, she had been found with marks supporting the theory that domestic abuse and constant sexual assault had pushed her to take her own life. But Ben knew that he had never laid a finger on Rey, apart from their kinkiest bedroom moments, which were completely consensual. And with Rey feeling not herself for quite some time, their intimate moments occurred solely at her wish. The only time she told him that she was unwell meant an endless pause, in what concerned him. He had made no move on her unless she came to him seeking attention, love and sex. Even their last moment together had been with her being the one in control, riding him insatiably. And a woman hating her husband and fearing him to the point of cutting her wrists to permanently escape him would not have done that. She would have never held his hand at that winter fair and smiled like that. She could not have pretended to be that happy. Even just the mere insinuation of emotional or verbal abuse was ridiculous. Their few arguments had always ended up in both of them apologising, discussing things properly and making sweet love or having steamy sex, depending on how serious the argument had been. And each time he had been even slightly under pressure and on the verge of an anger outburst, she had calmed him down with her patience wisdom and cookies. She had always been his pillar… and now she was dead and he was the one responsible for her suicide.

He swallowed all the saliva in his mouth and pulled the sheet, letting out a loud gasp. He covered his eyes and wept.

“Is it truly her?” asked Luke compassionately, rubbing his shoulder.

Ben shrugged and sniffed.

“I couldn’t look. I just couldn’t.”

“You must, boy,” sighed the old man. “You must put an end to this.”

Ben nodded, then turned to look at the corpse. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, then came closer. It was… she had the same short chestnut hair, adorable nose, upper lip bigger than the lower one. However, the corpse did have a certain pallor from the blood loss and exposure to the freezing weather, which made it all more difficult to distinguish certain features, especially with that black eye and purple bruises all over her body.

Her body… he knew it best. He pulled the sheet some more, ignoring Luke clearing his throat, and checked her body. Same height, perhaps same weight, but most definitely not the same moles, no scar from the hot iron on her left side, no appendicitis scar, no scar under her sternum from her fall from the cherry tree when she was seven, most definitely not the same breasts and no…

“No tattoo!” he pointed at the pale skin under her hair. “Rey has a tattoo here and she had it the last time I saw her. This girl is not Rey. She looks like her… a lot, but she is not Rey.”

_ She is not Rey…  _ he kept on telling himself on his way back home. He had been driving blindly and the ice on the road had been dangerously making him lose the control of the steering wheel now and then, but he still managed to get back home, cursing that long winter and the climate changes that made them have snow even in spring.

_ She is not Rey…  _ he repeated as the garage door lifted and he parked his car next to hers, which was still waiting on her owner to come back, as he did…

_ She is not Rey…  _

He got inside the house, sniffing the dull air which was still preserving her scent. He sighed and stumbled upon an unopened box full of pots, according to the invoice. It had arrived just before he left to the morgue to identify the body and now was unsure what to do with it. Maybe Rose could make use of those items. When Rey would get back, she would understand and appreciate her friend using her things to keep her business alive. But he couldn’t have them in the kitchen and be an even more painful reminder that she was gone… And in the basement, he would just forget about them. The greenhouse? He lifted the box and headed toward the greenhouse. He blindly opened the door and stepped inside, slipping and almost falling to the point of risking to break something. As if a broken heart and spirit were not enough.

He put the box down and looked at the carpet made out of glass shards. Everywhere, there were glass shards and even some leaves and… Oh! The olive tree was on the floor looking terribly. He stepped carefully on the shards, looking closely at the random holes through which snow was making its way inside. The placement of each hole and the size was not showing any pattern. He furrowed, then squatted and grabbed a rock lying among the many shards. Its size was matching one of the holes, but that was not the actual problem. However, the word  _ murderer  _ written on it was.

Ben opened his eyes meeting the darkness of his bedroom. He wiped his tears and turned to tap on the bedside lamp, accidentally bumping into the nightstand. He made a painful grimace, then turned around with his heart thumping. All the nights he had woken up from the same nightmare only to find an empty bed still had their claws dug deep in his flesh. He saw the bed empty for a couple of moments before rubbing his eyes, until the shape of Rey’s beautiful body formed in front of him. Her bathrobe was on the floor and the towel was barely covering her pretty butt.

He sighed with a relieved smile and caressed her back. Velvet and silk were nothing compared to her skin. So soft, so pure… he leaned in and kissed the visible vertebrae. Her skin had the most delicious taste and it smelled so good. It reminded him of their most playful nights together. Of all the games involving chocolate and caramel right before making sweet love or fucking desperately.

She was there… she was truly there… 

Rey mumbled something in her sleep and turned around. For a moment, it seemed that she had awakened, but the calm cadence of her breath assured him that she was still sleeping. And that was good, right? Had she been awake, he wouldn’t have been able to resist her anymore. Not when they had spent together much less than three years, being robbed of the rest of their precious time as a couple. How could he even claim her as his anymore? She was barely her own.

He touched her stomach, licking his lips, then cupped the area under her bellybutton, while his eyes were analysing her beautiful breasts. He ignored the crazy thought of pressing his lips against the soft skin and eventually suck those lovely nipples, focusing on something more important. He traced the white-purplish lines. It was strange. Rey had always been skinny no matter how much she ate, because of all the energy she was consuming on her daily activities. Not to mention her breasts… He circled one nipple, gently pressing on the rather hard flesh. Maybe it was her recent period, but even so, her breasts had never been so permanently full. Not that he would complain.

He got closer to her, trying his best to hug her while cursing his broken arm. The light was better to be left turned on as he didn’t want to see her getting swallowed by the dark once again. So he inhaled her delicious aroma and closed his eyes, synchronizing his breath with hers. And dreaming of something maybe nicer. Like that time they were cuddling under the duvet, shortly after his mom’s funeral. Though, he would not have called staring at the ceiling cuddling, especially not with the cat sleeping between them.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” she uttered playing with his growing locks, whereas he was petting his old grumpy cat. “Sometimes I feel like I am cursed. It feels as if no matter to whom I get attached to, they die.”

“Yeah… me too.”

Rey stroke his hair and leaned his head on the back to see her. She was so adorable and young. Too young to have such dark thoughts, but comfortable enough to trust him for such a confession.

“And then I met you. My last hope.”

“I guess you’re mine too,” he said in a low voice, hiding his sadness and need to cry. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

He heard her giggle, then she moved to hug him.

“I love you so much, Ben. You’re my everything.”

He inhaled deeply, not being able to hold in all those emotions anymore. Seeing his beloved mother’s corpse had been worse than when his father died, as he was too shocked back then to assimilate the idea. Now he still could not cope with the idea that all that was left of that beautiful woman, who had lived the best life he could have ever imagined, was just a shell. An empty shell to be hidden in the ground until disappearing completely as if she had never existed. And as time was going to pass, people would forget her. or the people who had known her would eventually die with the last traces of her memory. 

“It’s ok,” she consoled him. “It’s ok to cry. I cried too.”

His cries became more desperate, his raw pain breaking Rey’s heart. It hadn’t been that long since Maz’s death, so she found herself weeping as well. Life is such a strange thing.

“Promise me you won’t go,” he begged, Rey not knowing whether he was referring to her leaving him at that moment, breaking up with him in those difficult times, or die at some point, neither she could truly control much or at all. Yet, she still nodded and cuddled at his chest, knowing perfectly that when the cat would wake up, she was doomed.

“I promise you, my love. I will never leave you.”

Ben touched her cheek, making her lift her head, and leaned in for a kiss. However, her eyes were ice cold and her skin had a bluish shade, whereas her hair was wet and so was the white dress she was now wearing instead of her black mourning clothes.

“But I did eventually, didn’t I?”

“Rey?” he whispered feeling chills down his spine at the sound of that eerie lifeless voice.

“I left you, because I was miserable, Ben. I couldn’t stand living with you and playing the perfect family. I was unhappy.  _ You  _ made me unhappy. I would have rather died than remain by your side, shackled, going insane with each moment. Letting the cold water swallow my body and pulling me closer, in the freeing arms of death was my escape. But then,  _ he  _ saved me. He took me away from you and made me the happiest woman. He helped me burn any trace of you left on my body. I became someone new… And then you had to ruin everything all over again. But trust me… this time, I’m  _ never  _ ever coming back.”

Ben woke up panting and sweating. The night lamp was still on, but its light was irrelevant now that it was daylight. He stretched his arm to grab Rey and feel her comforting warmth but found nothing but air.

“Rey?” he called her.

Was his mind playing tricks on him again? Had he been dreaming and Rey was still missing? He touched the pillow and the bedsheet only to feel their cold texture. No one had slept there forin a long time. He gulped, and panicking, got out of the bed. The bathrobe and the towel were not there either, so he must have indeed been dreaming of her returning. He was all alone in that empty house once again. And Rey was either at the bottom of the lake or trying her best to stay away from him, hating him so much that she couldn’t talk to him not once more to ask him for the divorce.

Oh, that dreadful silence! He had longed for it back when he was working at the hotel among those noisy people and for even noisier clients. But now it was killing him, melting him slowly and painfully, like some sort of acid. And the pain was so strong that he couldn’t breathe or think anymore.

He stumbled getting out of the master bedroom and opened the doors to the other perfectly furnished and decorated, though rather dusty, bedrooms. They were as empty as his heart, and still carrying her scent as a constant reminder that she was gone, but not completely, remaining as a ghost to haunt him and torture him for never being enough.

He went downstairs to find an empty kitchen and living room, both void of any trace of life or joy.

Rey was gone.

She had been gone for years.

“Rey!” he screamed desperately once more, knowing perfectly well that he was all alone. His vision was getting blurry and his ears were buzzing so annoyingly loud that he barely heard his phone ringing in the study. He walked confused and lost, thinking about what other miserable excuses would Luke come up with this time. He turned the doorknob and opened the door letting out a loud sob before falling to his knees.

“Ben!” panicked Rey running to him. She grabbed his face forcing him to look at her, while his lost gaze was getting more animated and his face was turning distorted with pain before he burst into tears.

“Are you ok? Did anything wrong happen?”

She gasped once he pulled her at his chest, hugging her desperately, while still wailing. She had seen him cry before and she could remember him being in pain years ago when his mother died. So now, Rey’s mind began working quickly, coming up with loads of possibilities. Did Luke die? Did Ben lose his job? Did Kaydel die? Did they lose the house?

“Ben, please, talk to me!” she yelled not sure how to feel about the situation.

“Yo-you were gone,” he cried. “You were dead.”

She shook her head and pulled away, forcing him once more to look at her.

“Listen! I am here. I am alive and here with you.”

“You’ll leave me like mom and dad,” he sobbed rubbing his eyes like a toddler. Rey felt tears filling her own eyes. She had never seen him that desperate and having such a breakdown. Now that she could think of, their reunion by the lake and their argument in the kitchen had been nothing but water under the bridge. He was scaring her with that panic attack. She was well-aware of his fragile emotional state, but that was too much.

“Ben, I need you to listen to me,” she caressed his head. “I need you to breathe and count to twenty.”

“Ple-please don’t leave me…”

“I am not leaving you, my love,” she softened, which she did not intend to, as she wanted,  _ needed  _ to be the strong one at that moment.

“ _ Ever since you left, I still feel you dressed in shadows, hiding, whispering words inside my head, whispering words I wish I said,” _ she began singing.  _ “This place is haunted by the echoes of your elegance. It’s like some dusty old museum with our love behind a velvet rope. _ ”

It was working. Her singing was soothing Ben, though now she was the one uneasy. When she woke up early in the morning, it was not because her batteries were fully recharged, but because she could not breathe. She woke up with her husband crushing her body under his weight. She didn’t mind it that much for the moment, especially not with his knee between her legs and his hand groping her breast. However, his cast was grazing her skin, his elbow was pressing against her sternum quite uncomfortably, and half of her body was too hot, whereas the other half was freezing. So she snuck out of his grasp and put on her bathrobe, also throwing her towel in the laundry basket, then went downstairs, made a cup of tea and a sandwich and hid in the study, where she had been pressing buttons like crazy, discovering archives, emails and invoices. And like the crazy woman she was, she opened one of her old invitations, wrote another text over the old one and emailed it to her entire list of contacts. And throughout her investigation, she had discovered a very nice song recommended to her by the music app from Ben’s computer. She liked it so much that after playing on repeat for more than twenty-seven times, she ended up knowing the lyrics by heart.

“ _ Your make up in my bathroom, your socks I wear when I have none, still sleeping on your mattress… I feel you here, you’re my ghostess. Still find your hairs on my clothes. How can it all be over, when our toothbrushes still seem to kiss… I feel you here you’re my ghostess. _ ”

She stopped now paying close attention to the lyrics she was singing.

“ _ Am I awake or dreaming. Is this you I think I’m seeing… _ ” she made another pause. “ _ No, you’re just one step ahead and toying with my tired head. _ ”

She was being a big idiot singing that stupid song. The lyrics were perfect, but as perfect as a sharp knife she was digging in the already bleeding heart of her husband.

“ _ ...Still sleep on my side of the bed, I leave a space for you each… night. _ ”

Ben sniffed. He had stopped sobbing for a while now and seemed a little bit better.  _ Finally _ ! Rey kissed his forehead and hugged him again. His issues were as big as the size of his body. She smiled, ignoring the pain in her chest, then took his hand and kissed it.

“I love you the most, Ben-Ben.”

He wiped his face with the back of his palm and continued looking at his beautiful wife. Almost too beautiful to be true. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” she said pushing his hair behind those adorable large ears.

“I… you were there and you suddenly weren’t. I thought it had all been a dream. I thought I was alone once again and you were still missing.”

“But I  _ am  _ here,” she said maybe a little bit too loudly. Not that she had intended to yell at him again, but she was so sick and tired of that topic. She could not turn back the time and she could not do more than be present in that exact moment. The effects of her missing years were obvious, visible on everyone, especially her and Ben, but there was nothing to be done.

She blinked, her eyes stinging from the tears that were about to escape her, then threw herself at him, covering his face in kisses, before finally pressing her lips against his in a kiss that began as a desperate one only to continue as playful and passionate enough to make Rey think that they were about to make love for the first time - in years - right there in the study, on the floor. Her hand was clumsily trying to pull down his pyjama pants when his phone started ringing again. Ben pulled away panting and Rey got up to grab his phone. She handed it to him still barely breathing and returned to her seat to check if all the emails had been sent before closing everything and shutting down the computer. She looked at her vulnerable Ben, who had been saying nothing but yes and no. Once he hung up, she returned by his side, on the floor.

“It was Rose,” he answered her question even before asking it. “There’s been a snowstorm and most of her co-workers couldn’t come to work today and the retirement home was left without any electricity and is currently disconnected from the heating system. And orphanage has been damaged by the same utility pole that was powering both buildings. It apparently fell on it.”

“Oh, how terrible… What can we do?”

“Well, she called to ask you if you can go there and help out.”

Help out? She would love to, but she was a mess and she couldn’t leave Ben. Not when he was an even bigger of a mess than her. She looked at him. He seemed calmer, less… traumatized, but who knew what he would do without her by his side. He couldn’t be left alone.

“Do… do you want to come with me? I don’t want to be alone among strangers.”

She saw a glimmer in his eyes. Despite the fact that he was not the most sociable person, just the idea of having her alone, exposed to dangers, alerted him enough to reveal his protective side. It was insane how the both of them were more interested in protecting the other. So that was how love was like… 

Ben showed Rey around and she packed a bunch of blankets, flashlights and canned food. During the entire time, Ben filled all of the insulated water bottles they had around with chamomile tea. He put in a bag all the fruit and bread they had in the house, then went upstairs to change his clothes. He was a little bit ashamed to face Rey after his meltdown, but she came to him and kissed him, then helped him put on warm clothes.

“They’ve said on the news that the snowstorm is heading here and that the entire town risks a massive blackout. The roads will be closed too. We should drop there what we’ve got so far and help Rose for the moment and then maybe I’ll go get some more from the supermarket.”

Ben nodded as she buttoned up his cardigan.

“I texted Luke. He’ll call his buddies from the police station and they’ll go from door to door to ask people for supplies and help.”

Rey blinked surprised, then smiled. How could anyone not love that man or believe he was capable of any atrocity?

***

The retirement home was much different than the one she knew from her old town. On the outside, it was a terraced house, not a country house painted in pastels and with a happy garden full of flowers, trees and swings. Just a plain terraced house painted in a washed-up reddish-brown colour. The orphanage next door was indeed damaged by a utility pole and Rey was wondering why no one came to pick it up before putting more people in danger. She shook her head, disappointed by the authorities, the same ones that achieved nothing regarding her disappearance, then rang at the door, waiting for Rose to come to help them, while Ben was paying the taxi driver. Once she heard the door squeaking, she turned around but found no one.

“Yes?”

Her gaze fell on a young boy no older than eight.

“Oh, hi! We came here to help you.”

The boy stepped aside and held the door open. Rey looked at him then back at the taxi and her husband’s broken arm.

“Is there anyone to come help  _ us  _ carry the supplies?”

The boy shrugged then turned his head and yelled.

“JOSH!”

Rey jumped startled just as an angry Rose ran to them.

“Liam, don’t yell like that! Some of the elders are still sleeping.”

“They always sleep. They won’t mind it… or hear us anyway.”

Rose shook her head, then turned to Rey and hugged her.

“Thank you so much! I don’t really know the people in this town and good thing I slept here,” she said barely breathing while following Rey to the taxi. “It’s just me and two more people, but moving the kids has been so difficult. Besides, some of the seniors get really agitated when they see new people and we had to calm them down. It’s been a mess.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” looked Rey at her own grumpy boy.

“Fortunately, Jess found a gas bottle and an old camping stove, so we might boil some water for tea and some milk for the kids, but we don’t have much milk.”

“We have warm tea,” said Ben in a shy voice that made Rose look at him as if he were a ghost from her past as Mrs Leia’s nurse. “I can’t do much, but if you want me to do something…  _ anything… _ ”

There was something that Rey could read on Rose’s face, but not decode. She watched her take Ben upstairs, then waited for her to return. That place was rather depressing. Cosy in a certain way, but mostly depressing, as if stuck in time. Though, probably most of its residents were indeed stuck in time.

“Have you seen my son?”

Rey jumped and stared at the old woman with only two teeth left. Her face was so wrinkled that it reminded her of one of Maz’s old puffy dresses. She also had a turban like Maz did and walked using a cane.

“Is your son coming to visit you?”

The old lady looked at her completely confused. She seemed to ponder the question. Oh, dear. How long had it been since that woman had last seen her son?

“Mrs Natalia, please go to your seat. We’re soon going to give you some tea and food.”

Rey turned to Rose, who was shaking her head with sadness.

“Poor woman,” she whispered. “Her son was shot trying to protect a cashier from a petty thief. He died on the spot. Liam, the boy whom you’ve met earlier, and Josh are her grandchildren. Their mother left them soon after the funeral and Mrs Natalia had tried her best to take care of them, but her health worsened and they all were brought here.”

Words were pointless, so Rey said nothing and just followed her in the kitchen to organize the few supplies they had. They served the elders tea and gave them blankets to keep warm, then Rose went upstairs to check on the children.

“How’s Ben?” asked Rey peeling some potatoes. 

“He’s great. The kids love him.”

Rey wanted to smile, but she was still so worried about his emotional state.

“Thank you for not leaving him among the elders. Mrs Natalia alone would have reminded him of his mom and I-”

“Yeah, I know. He would have been amazing with them, but he had a strange look in his eyes and I just felt that he was not in a good place.”

Rey put down the peeled potato and took a carrot.

“Oh, you have no idea. He had a major meltdown and I swear I didn’t know what to do. He seemed so lost and vulnerable.  _ I  _ was lost too. I know he was left with huge scars after his father’s death, then after his mother’s and my disappearance was the last straw. And Kaydel told me that he used to go to therapy, but I can’t have him suffer like this. I can’t have him panic each time I go out without telling him. I am aware of the fact that we still don’t know the reason why I went missing, but he is going to have a stroke at this rate or blow his brains out. And I truly believe capable of that.”

Rey took a sip out of her teacup. Her throat was dry after her speech.

“It’s so much more,” shrugged the nurse. “You don’t remember now, but he was in Maz’s care for a while.”

“He was?” her eyes grew wider and she returned to peeling vegetables, flinching when she felt the tip of the knife puncturing her palm. No blood. Good.

“Yeah, Mrs Leia was all alone and was building her business empire on her own, so she had to leave Ben with Maz for a while. During that time he was so scared and kept crying after his mom. He ran away and was attacked on the streets. And he had left because the kids were bullying him in the first place, especially one who ended up breaking his nose and fingers.”

Rey knew perfectly how it was like in the system, how it was like to be an abandoned child, counting the minutes until you would finally be awarded mercy, love and your parents back. But moreover, she knew how some of Maz’s foster kids were monsters.

“And his dad?”

“Well, Mrs Leia wasn’t married back then.”

Rey furrowed and Rose shook her head - she kept forgetting about Rey’s memory loss. She got closer to her and whispered:

“Ben is adopted.”

  
  


***

A couple of hours later, Rey entered the upstairs room where the children were playing and drawing and watched them closely. It was cold inside, but they were wearing warm clothes and after so much running and playing they must have felt even warmer. Besides, they had eaten each a bowl of soup, a plate of mashed potatoes and carrots and a cup of peaches in syrup for dessert.

Watching them even more closely, Ben was sitting on a bench with a stack of books by his side and sipping from his own cup of tea. He seemed fine.

“Squeeeeak.”

Ben turned to look at his wife hiding behind a plushie.

“That’s not how an elephant sounds like,” he chuckled. “Where did you get it from?”

“I found it in the blanket box,” she smiled approaching him and then throwing the tiny grey elephant in his lap. Ben took it, touched its large ears and smiled for a moment - Rey guessed he was thinking about his own large ears - but then strangely, he sighed. And it was one of his miserable sighs. Rey pursed her lips and sat on the bench next to him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing… I just… this elephant is…”

Rey looked at the toy and snatched it from Ben’s hand. She would not have him hide things from her to the point of suffering another meltdown. So she parted her lips but remained silent as she stared at the elephant’s blue eyes. She’d seen those eyes before, a long time ago, when she was in a car driven by Ben. His face was shaven, his hair was shorter and his clothes were plain. He was nervous and his hands were shaking on the steering wheel.

“It’s my fault,” he murmured visibly affected. “I should have known better. I should have taken more care of you.”

Rey said nothing. Instead, she stared at the toy elephant.

“It’s no one’s fault. It happened.”

“I’m so sorry,” he cried.

“Stop it,” she said squeezing the poor elephant. “It’s all over now. Nothing to be done. No use in crying over spilled milk.”

“But we could have avoided this!” he shifted his mood punching the steering wheel and accidentally honking, making the driver in front of them wave at them, asking what was wrong. Oh, if only he knew.

“Ben,” she sighed too tired and feeling rather uncomfortable, as expected after such procedure. “I didn’t know I was pregnant. I never had the chance to get attached to it to feel any pain now that it’s gone. I can’t cry over something I never had. Besides, it wasn’t even a baby. It was more like an awkward looking tadpole.”

“That was meant to be our baby and who was supposed to be born because we were irresponsible and died because of the same reason.”

Rey shook her head incapable of resonating with Ben or feeling anything but apathy. She looked outside the window at the farms and trees.

“I am an orphan, who grew up in the system and was adopted only because her foster caregiver was getting old and had no family. We’ve been dating for less than six months and even if we’ve got engaged, we have other priorities right now.”

Her husband glanced at her in shock. His sweet little Rey had a dark side. A reasonable one, but dark and cold nevertheless.

“So don’t get me wrong, but once I get out of this car, I will pretend that it never happened. Once I’ll heal, we’ll use protection and never repeat this thing. And we won’t discuss having an extended family for the next at least five years. Ok?”

Rey squeezed the toy once again and looked at her husband. The long-haired bearded one. It was no point in reproaching him his lies, because, technically, he didn’t really lie. They had never had an actual baby and had never discussed having one. The first one because it died before even growing limbs, the other one because she had decided so. However, it was funny that now she was feeling some of the pain she never felt back then.

“Do you ever think about it? About our… tadpole?”

“Sometimes,” he admitted. “When I see kids, I sometimes can’t help thinking about my future as a father and then I remember that I could have been one. But I mostly thought about this when you were gone. I thought about how I didn’t even have one thing to keep your memory alive.”

Rey squeezed his hand.

“Do you think it was going to be a boy or a girl?”

“A boy,” he sighed. “But then again… I was a shitty son, so I would have been an even shittier father.”

Rey shushed him and punched him in the shoulder.

“Language! The kids can hear you.”

“Well… see what I mean?”

They laughed and continued looking at the children drawing on the floor and playing. Where did they get the paper, pencils and coloured pens? No! Actually… what were the odds for them to have the same pencils and coloured pens Ben had on his desk?

“Sorry for bringing it up yesterday,” chewed Rey on her bottom lip, still squeezing his hand. “There is still this discrepancy between my two selves and only now I’ve stepped on the other side regarding my memories and views on parenthood.”

“Well…” shrugged Ben. “It’s been almost five years.”

“Our son would have been around five too,” she said out loud without realising. She turned quickly to face Ben, who had an impassive look on his face. His wound was mostly healed and she had demanded him to forget about the tadpole. What was she doing was selfish and irrational.

“Yeah, so…” she cleared her throat.

“Fufu?”

What? Rey turned and looked at the little girl wearing a brown dress over a green sweater and red sneakers. She had never seen sneakers so tiny. The little girl pointed at the elephant with her chubby finger, squatted, then jumped.

“Fufu!”

“You want the elephant?”

The little girl nodded and clapped.

Rey looked at the elephant. She got it from the hospital’s therapist after her miscarriage. It was meant to be a reminder of her dead baby… but she had decided to forget about it and the toy ended up in a box in the pantry. So why holding on?

“Here you go,” she smiled and handed the toy to the little girl, whose happy face melted her heart. She needed it more than her.

“You can keep it.”

The child jumped around, hugging the toy with fascination. And fascination was what Rey saw in Ben’s eyes as well.

“Wanna take a nap-nap?” he said picking the little girl up.

“Sleep!”

“Yeah, you’re going to sleep,” he chuckled then turned to the other kids. “Who else wants to take a nap?”

The other kids got up from the floor and took off their shoes. They were already used to a certain schedule, so no one protested. There was one large bed and a sofa that turned into a bed, so with the help of Rey and the older children, in just a few minutes, everyone was under the covers. Ben had taken off the girls’ shoes and put her to bed where he could watch her closely as she was the youngest out of the eight and he knew how being the youngest made you the most vulnerable.

“Do you think we should adopt?”

Rey looked at her husband, who was studying the drawings the children made. She sighed already exhausted, despite being barely afternoon.

“I… I don’t know.”

“I mean, a child from the system needs a lot of attention and love.”

Was he talking from his own experience?

“We can’t have him… or her in our home and not be there.”

Yeah… so it seemed.

Rey kissed him on the cheek and laid her head on his shoulder. She knew better than him how it was like to be an orphan, but at that moment she truly did not know what to answer. Adopting a child as soon as possible would have saved him from any more traumatic years in the system, but, as Ben said, the child needed their full attention, which none of them could offer for the moment. That’s why they had decided not to have any children in their first years of marriage. The fact that more than half of those years they were apart was another story.

“I don’t know,” she scratched her forehead. “Maybe. I would love to, but once we get a little bit better as a couple ourselves. We’re barely getting back on our feet financially speaking. We were on the verge of divorce just a couple of days ago. And I am still an amnesiac.”

She was slightly ashamed of her excuses and even though she could lie to herself that any child could have the chance of getting adopted by someone better, she knew that there were little chances for any of them to find a family anytime soon.

“So what are we going to do?” asked Ben.

“I’ve just told you.”

“No, silly,” he smiled. “Are we going to the supermarket to grab more supplies?”

“Oh,” she giggled. “I’m going to ask Rose.”

She got up stretching her arms and left the room, leaving Ben to supervise the children. There was still so much to digest with Ben’s past and traumas and her past aversion towards children that was making its way in her present psyche. And once again she understood why the Rey she did not remember was so different from the teen Rey.

“Anybody here?”

Rey looked at the entrance door and skipped the last two steps to go answer the door. Perhaps one of the other nurses managed to come and she and Ben could go buy more food and whatever the children and the elders needed. However, once she opened the door, she realised that there might be no need for such a trip. The group of seven people carrying boxes and bags seemed to have already done that for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to My Chemical Romance's song "The Ghost of You" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCUpvTMis-Y)
> 
> The song sung by Rey is "Ghostess" by Jake Morley (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sImu6PAy_rA)


	17. I am an island...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making you wait 2 weeks! I am feeling a little bit better (though The Rise of Skywalker hasn't helped me very much with my recovery).

She had not expected that to happen or at least not yet. That morning, Rey had left the house with the orders for that day wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, a black KISS T-shirt from the flea market and her old sneakers. The weather had been too hot for that time of the year for so long that no one expected it to change so drastically last minute. Once she dropped her last order, she felt the cold wind giving her the most unpleasant chills. They reminded her of the beautiful warm spring days that eventually turned into rather cold evenings and even colder nights, but also of something else. Something she didn’t want to remember. The sky was already dark and cloudy, and as she was getting closer to her town, a flash of lightning followed by a thunder announced the beginning of a terrible thunderstorm. She hit the gas hoping that she would get home before ending up not being able to even see the road, but twenty minutes later, it felt as if she were driving through a waterfall. However, she was not that crazy to risk her life in that weather, so she pulled over, waiting for the rain to stop. But typically unlucky her, as time was passing and it was getting darker outside, the storm was getting even worse.

“Wait!” she got out of the car hastily and ran to the policemen blocking the road. “What’s going on?”

They looked at her already soaking wet child-like figure and shrugged.

“Everything is flooded and trees have fallen. There’s nowhere to go.”

Rey inhaled deeply and exhaled watching a cloud forming under her nose. She was cold and was beginning to panic.

“And… where do I go? I can’t get home. I can’t even drive to the other road to my town so late and in this weather.”

“It would be pointless anyway, miss, as most roads are blocked. There is a motel for truckers ten minutes away from here. You need to go back and pay attention to the red sign. It marks the road to the motel.”

It was not exactly the most ideal suggestion, yet Rey nodded and ran back to her car. She wiped the water off her forehead and cheeks and turned on the heating system, despite the fact it wasn’t of much help, though it kept her from trembling all the way to the motel. It was a rather scary place and she had never seen a motel for truckers so hidden from the main road, but without much choice, it was almost like home. She parked her car and ran inside trembling only to find the place empty, without a soul in the lobby. It was still quite early, so maybe that was the reason why there didn’t seem to be too many people if any, yet she was not sure which possibility going through her mind was scarier and taken out of a slasher horror film. She massaged her chest and looked once more behind the empty front desk, then took her phone out of her old messenger bag. Her fingers were trembling in such a manner that she was barely able to press any of the buttons, whereas her entire body was too frozen to even stand anymore. So she sat in an armchair from the waiting room, bringing her knees to the chest and hugging them like when back when she was a distressed child. Not that she was feeling any more different than when she was an actual child.

“May I help you?”

She flinched waking up from her sleep and barely got up, each muscle hurting like hell. She rubbed her eyes and looked at the concierge, who wasn’t even talking to her. No, he was talking to that tall dark-haired prince of hers.

“Ben!” she jumped out of the armchair.

He turned to her and his face relaxed, unlike the concierge, who gave her a rather disgusted look.

“Sorry for calling you here on this weather, but I was so scared.”

“Don’t worry,” he said gently, caressing her damp hair. “I’m here now.”

His hair was dripping water, she noticed. And one water drop lingered on his cheek till it dropped on his upper lip. She lifted her hand and wiped it with the tip of her finger.

“Excuse me,” cleared his throat the concierge. “ _ May _ I help you?”

Ben gave Rey a soothing smile, then turned to speak to the other man, while she waited patiently, though very uncomfortable in those clothes. She sniffed feeling her nose rather stuffy and approached Ben who now had a key in his hand.

“We can stay here tonight. Room 118.”

Rey furrowed for a moment, then chuckled.

“What?” he asked climbing the stairs to the first floor.

“It’s 118. When we first kissed, we stayed in room 811.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said with a false cheerful tone and no actual enthusiasm, making Rey’s smile vanish.

She cleared her throat and grabbed him by the wrist.

“Did I… have I caused you any trouble at work?”

“Oh, no,” he shook his head. “I was actually not far from here when you called me. I would have probably ended sleeping at the hotel again, had I known earlier that the roads were blocked.”

He forced the white door until it finally opened with a long creaking sound. The entire motel was rather old fashioned and it definitely lacked the style and comfort of the hotel where Ben was working. But it was better than just sitting in the car for the rest of the night. She shuddered letting out a whimper, making Ben turn to her.

“Go take a hot shower. You’re trembling like an angry chihuahua.”

Rey chuckled and went to check the other door in the room. The bathroom was about the size of her pantry from Maz’s old home. It didn’t even have a bathtub or a shower cabin, just the head. She shook her head reminding herself that it was just one night, so she took off her clothes and turned on the water. At least it was warm. Not hot, but warm enough to cast away those shivers. Once finished, she wrapped herself in the towel and tiptoed outside.

“You ca-”

Her eyes grew wider and she gulped at the sight of Ben’s wide shoulders. She stood there staring at each muscle, mole and scar on his back, fighting the urge to go to him and touch him, kiss him, lick every…

“Are you ok? Your face is red.”

“Oh…”

Her first instinct was to nod and not make him feel uncomfortable for her behaviour, but now that he was facing her, she could not take her eyes off his chest.

“The water is that hot, isn’t it?” he smiled obliviously passing by her and brushing his arm against hers. Rey’s heart seemed to skip a bit for a moment until she exhaled and cupped her cheeks. She let herself fall on the bed with a long sigh. They were going to sleep in the same room, same bed, with no clothes covering their bodies.

“Ugh, Rey?” she heard him call from the bathroom, interrupting her daydreaming.

“Yeah?” she cringed at the sound of her own flustered voice.

“Is there any bathrobe?”

She got up and looked around. Nothing. Then she opened the small wardrobe, but there were only blankets and a pillow inside.

“Nope!”

“Great…” she heard him mumble before getting out of the bathroom wearing nothing but the tiniest towel wrapped around his waist. Rey smiled licking her lips.

“You think this is funny?” teased her playfully. “Maybe I should take  _ your  _ towel.”

“Maybe you should.”

They stared at each other for a while, then Rey put her palms on his face and brushed gently her thumbs against the corners of his mouth. She had so many questions about their relationship. Was it mere flirting between two lonely people or maybe, just maybe… 

Ben leaned in and pressed his lips against hers.

“Ben?”

“Yes?” he smiled melting her heart. 

“Would you… would you like to make love to me?”

His face changed showing a gentle, yet pitiful look. One that made Rey’s enthusiasm and bravery deflate like a balloon in the sun.

“I’m sorry, Rey.”

***

“ _ Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow _ !”

Rey and children started to sprinkle coconut flakes, white chocolate flakes and white sugar sprinkles all over the cookies. She had baked them the entire morning as the orphanage was still in ruins and the retirement home was still without electricity and heating. She wanted to keep the children occupied, as well as some of the elders, and it worked. The tiny bland cookies were now cute little boys and girls wearing colourful clothes decorated by the sticky skilful hands of her little apprentices. She had even learned the kids’ names as their genuine kindness and warmth had made her feel at home and a little bit like a child once again. Maybe grown-up Rey saw her years in the system as horrible and her early years in Maz’s home has equally tragic, but there had been nice moments. The children were reminding her that she was an orphan herself, but they were also comforting her and making those tiny frozen parts of her heart accept each aspect of her life. She needn’t be a bitter woman who kept a stiff upper lip all the time. She could be the old nice Rey and the mature Mrs Solo at the same time.

“You do know it’s February?”

Rey lifted her head and smiled at her husband.

“Ben!”

“Ben’s here!”

“Beeen!”

The other seven children ran to him and hugged him, making that adorable grumpy Mr Solo laugh. Rey put down the little girl and let her go to him as well. She put her hands up in the air and jumped until he lifted her in his arms. His wife watched him mesmerized as he didn’t mind the little girl putting her sticky palms on his face, covering his cheeks in sprinkles and sugar.

“I think she’s trying to steal your heart,” joked Rey getting up and taking back the little girl before returning to the table. “The kids have made something for you.”

Ben approached her as the children went back to their seats and looked at the cookies. One was shaped like a man and had black hair, a beard, a dark red shirt and black pants and shoes. And a huge nose.

“Is that me?” he chuckled.

“Yeah!” applauded Liam his own work. “And Josh and Christine made these.”

The boy showed Ben three heart-shaped cookies spelling his name. The letters were not exactly perfect, but those tiny humans had done that for him, to show him their appreciation and gratitude for having read them stories and brought them pencils and coloured pens. His lips thinned in a firm line and by now Rey already knew that it was his way of hiding his emotions.

“Lerrit no!” clapped the little girl.

Rey giggled and moved her on her other knee before singing once again.

“ _ Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow _ !”

They repeated the part where they sprinkled, though the cookies were rather now shapeless from all that sweet white mass covering them.

“It feels like Christmas,” said another girl, whose name Rey could not remember. The irony was that she was even wearing a reindeer sweater. All of them had new clothes… well, new for them as they had been brought by the visitors from the previous day, along with entire boxes full of toys and art and crafts supplies. There was plenty of food as well that would last for weeks, even months, but that didn’t stop Rey from cooking them a fresh meal that afternoon. She was beginning to wonder whether it was her duty to continue Maz’s legacy and start working there or at least volunteer as often as she could. And she could bring Ben too as he seemed more than happy to be surrounded by children in the absence of one of their own.

He caught her staring and winked at her, making those pale cheeks of hers turn red. They had returned home rather late, so they only took a shower, separately, drank a cup of hot chocolate, then went to bed, where Ben refused to let go of her hand. Not that she minded sleeping on his chest or having his huge body cover hers, whispering ‘I love you’ every now and then and moaning in his sleep. However, she had been afraid of his reaction in the morning, so once fully awaken, left a note on her pillow to make sure that he would not have another meltdown. And thankfully, he didn’t. He woke up after her and got dressed, then went downstairs to grab a cup of coffee and something to eat before going back to work in his study. When it came to going back to the elders and the children, Rey tried her best to convince him to let her go on her own, but he refused, so the taxi dropped her in front of the retirement home and left only after she had entered the building, to drop Ben at the hospital. He was still wearing his cast, remarked Rey with sadness. But at least he was now having fun with the children drawing on it.

“Hey, Ben, what’s your favourite day?” asked Christine’s younger sister.

He looked at his wife and Rey wondered for a moment if it had anything to do with her.

“Uh… Christmas, I guess?”

“Why?”

Rey snorted. That was going to be a fun ride, but Ben himself was full of surprises.

“Beeecause I love Christmas trees and when I was about your age, I got a cat as a gift. It was the best cat ever.”

_ Except it was evil _ , smiled Rey.

“Oh, man. We can’t have pets in here, but I used to have three dogs and a rabbit farm before dad and mom went to jail,” said Victor, a boy no older than seven and with not too many teeth. All of them had been separated from their families. Liam and Josh at least were siblings and had their grandmother in the retirement home, and Christine had her two sisters, but Victor, the other older girl and the toddler sitting on her knee were all on their own.

“I keep asking Santa for my grandpa. When I came here, they told me that he was too old to take care of me. Maybe Santa will make him less old or at least give my mom a plane ticket to come back for me.”

Rey wiped her tear before letting anyone see it and turned to look at the little girl playing dolls with two cookies.

“What do you want from Santa?” she asked completely aware of how ridiculous it was to ask such thing in February.

“Mommy.”

_ Oh _ ! Oh, she knew perfectly how it was like to wish for mommy.

Rey cleared her throat and asked her once again.

“Where is your mommy?”

“Mommy sky,” she pointed at the ceiling.

“Her mommy died in the hospital and her daddy threw her in the trash can when she was just a baby,” said the eldest girl. Rey blinked nervously, completely outraged and her husband seemed to share her indignation. She cleared her throat again and caressed the little girl’s chestnut curls.

“You know… you haven’t told me your name. Wanna tell me your name?”

“Mmmno?”

Rey heard her husband chuckle, but she was still too upset about what she had learned about the girl’s past.

“She doesn’t have a name, but we all decided to call her Holly Hobbie.”

“That’s cute,” murmured Ben. “Did Holly get her nap-nap today?”

“Nap-nap?”

Holly couldn’t have seemed more excited not even by giving her a huge stuffed animal. Well… she had rejected all the toys and preferred wandering all over the house with the tiny elephant Rey had given to her.

Rey watched Ben take Holly and the other children upstairs to wash hands and go to bed, while the knot in her stomach was seconds away from making her have her own meltdown. Suddenly, the idea of adopting wasn’t that bad anymore. Perhaps even a bunch of morons like them could be better parents than… well… nothing.

***

“Why are you so distressed?” asked Rose taking another batch of freshly baked cookies and placing them carefully on the plate. Her old friend had baked the entire afternoon and everything had sold out as soon as they put them up for sale. And with the clock announcing the time when most people were supposed to finish their work for the day and take their children from the afternoon classes, they would sell even more. It was just like back then when the Solos were the owners.

Rose wrote on the blackboard the available products:

  * double banana white chocolate chip cookies
  * strawberry white chocolate chip cookies
  * strawberry chocolate chip cookies
  * toffee and butterscotch chip cookies
  * chocolate chunk cookies
  * mint chocolate chip cookies

The quiches were still in the oven and Rey was preparing the sandwiches. She was pampering all the customers with those goodies and she was slowly beginning to save the cafe. If only she were able to save her own self from her problems.

“I am… I don’t know. Sometimes it’s all going so well and I think I’m doing great, but then…”

“Ben again?”

Rey pursed her lips and looked at the black knife handle reminding her of his dark hair and eyes. After forgetting about him entirely, it was rather funny how everything reminded her of him when they were not together. She took the butter knife and shrugged.

“Mno… well… maybe him too. He adores me and I love him too. We’re finally making some progress, but he doesn’t want to… you know.”

Rose giggled and put the blackboard back on the wall and the chalk in the drawer.

“You? You two? There were nights when I had to put on earbuds to not hear you. Good thing the other Mrs Solo had always slept too deeply to hear you.”

“Oh!” blushed Rey. “Well, if you need a place to stay, you can stay in the bedroom next to ours and listen to our very boring conversations. Perhaps we will help you fall asleep in less than a minute.”

She now put down the butter knife and shook her head.

“I’m being mean right now. Don’t get me wrong. I love every second spent by his side. Sometimes it feels as if he is the air that I breathe, but I just want him to pay more attention to me. I know it’s too soon, but the way he rejects me… Each time he does it, it’s like a snowball growing bigger and dragging the avalanche with it.”

“Have you tried seducing him?”

Rey took a slice of cucumber and shoved it in her mouth.

“I freaking sleep naked next to him! Besides… we’ve discussed a little the possibility of having children.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

The young woman looked at her friend with a frustrated look on her face.

“Adoption. And I don’t really have a problem with adoption, but why doesn’t even want to… you know…  _ try _ ?”

Rose took a pack of napkins a ripped the thin wrapping, placing them in the wooden box next to the cash register. 

“Maybe he thinks that it’s like the normal thing for you two to do as you’re both adopted.”

“Yeah, most likely. And I somehow agree, but… I  _ need  _ my carrot, Rose!”

Euphemisms had never been more welcome. None of them even heard the bell, only the man clearing his throat. They looked at the family of five and smiled awkwardly as they approached the counter. They looked at the three blackboards and the products under the bell jars then kept on mumbling.

“We’d like five tzatziki and salmon bagels and five garlic knot chicken parmesan sandwiches.”

“Sure,” smiled Rose and almost pushed Rey away, who furrowed before noticing the signs she was making behind her back. By the time she finally understood them, it was too late.

“Aren’t you the girl who went missing three years ago?” asked the lady wearing a huge fur hat. “The  _ owner  _ of this place?”

She didn’t know what to answer, but it was quite obvious that the lady had never expected her to say anything. The woman just smiled full of confidence and rather smugly, then turned to one of her children, whispered something and the three children went to a table and sat there.

“I’ve heard of what you’ve done for the retirement home and orphanage.”

Rey shrugged feeling rather uncomfortable. The way that woman spoke was similar to a snake trying to charm its prey. 

“Are you back for good?”

The young women looked at each other and Rey could have sworn that her friend was trying to convince her to make the big step and run in the kitchen. But she had already been seduced by the snake and couldn’t move.

“Yes,” she uttered besotted. “Unless my husband wants to move out.”

The woman’s eyes grew wider and Rey guessed that she knew all about the harassment and accusations he had endured. 

“Maybe you’ll stay. We all missed your goodies.”

“Rey, go check on the quiches, please.”

Rey flinched and nodded to Rose’s order before going back into the kitchen. She took out the tray and replaced it with another one full of leek brie and ham mini-quiches, then stood there confused and more lost than ever.

“Can you believe that witch?” stormed Rose angrily much later. “She had the guts to come here!”

“Who was that?” exhaled Rey overwhelmed.

“Phasma is the ultimate queen bee of the parents' committee. She is so rich that she has nothing else to do when her kids are at school, so she started her own blog, where she played Nancy Drew by blaming Ben for your disappearance and inventing the most atrocious shit about you two and your relationship.”

Rey stared at her friend who didn’t even seem to breathe while speaking about their latest customer.

“And why did her opinion matter so much?”

“Because every parent in this town does and thinks what she wants and she used her status as one of our best clients to lie about you two being best friends.”

“I don’t even know her.” laughed Rey nervously.

“Trust me. It’s better this way. But maybe… at least she could bring back our old clients.”

Rey went to her friend and grabbed her hand.

“We don’t need her, Rose. We’ve had plenty of customers today.”

“Unfortunately, we do need her, Rey. She ruined this business once, she can do it again.”

Rey shook her head, still feeling rather strange after meeting that woman.

“I don’t have the time or patience to deal with such people.”

“I feel you, but I… I’ve just hoped she would forget about us and leave us alone.”

“You said it yourself. She’s just a lady in need of a hobby. I won’t be hers. I have other things to worry about.”

“Yeah,” chuckled Rose. “Ben’s carrot.”

Rey blinked embarrassed. She shouldn’t have said that.

“I am not an expert at all, but I’ve told you. You should try seducing him.”

“Maybe I should…”

Many hours later, Rose was locking the cafe, while Rey was busy staring at the pet shop window across the street. The teen working there had finished mopping the floors and was now checking on the animals. She shoved her hands in the large pockets of her coat and sighed. Slowly and patiently she would feel more at home in that place and perhaps less sad. She looked forward to the day when she was going to go back to her old self. 

“Ben told me to take you home.”

“Ok,” she murmured trying her best not to look upset. She followed her friend to the car parked across the street and waited for her to unlock it. She was chewing on her bottom lip when she heard a meow. She looked around, then at the pet shop window, now completely in dark. She must have imagined it.

Another meow and this time followed by some tiny claws.

Rey flinched and almost fell on her back at the sight of the tiny furry goblin. She squatted next to the kitten and looked at it with curious eyes. It was grey with some brownish stripes and it had green eyes, long legs and an even longer tail for its overall size. Rey smiled and reached for it. Surprisingly, it did not reject her. Instead, it meowed one more time and purred, though it sounded more like a coo.

“Rey?” she heard Rose calling for her on a worried tone.

“I found a kitty,” she said with a large smile. 

“Awesome,” rolled Rose her eyes chuckling, but then her smile faded when she saw Rey getting inside the car with the animal. She did not say anything, however, as she knew her friend was in need of giving and receiving any form of affection.

“The kids told me about the little girl,” she said later, after a long silence, while cuddling the animal. “The one they call Holly Hobbie because she has no name.”

“Oh,” smiled Rose. “Don’t listen to all the things they say. Children are usually honest, but they also have a huge imagination. Her name is Anna.”

“Anna…” she repeated scratching the kitten behind the ear. “So her mother didn’t die and her father didn’t abandon her in a trash can?”

Rose shrugged.

“I haven’t really spent any time with her and I don’t know much about her. It might be true, though.”

Rey looked at Rose, then at her kitten. Such a young animal should be by her mom’s side as well.

“I’ve always wondered what happened to my parents. Maz told me that I make my own life and destiny and that blood is not that important, but it still feels like a missing part of my soul.”

“Rey,” said Rose on a gentle tone, yet pitiful, reminding her of Ben from her latest recovered memory. “Your parents died in a fire, sweetheart. You survived just because you were hiding in the toolshed.”

Something broke inside her heart and mind. Somehow, she knew that it was not the first time hearing that, but still, her sense of belonging was shattered. She was indeed all alone. No bonds, no ties to the past. No family. Except for the one she made herself.

“How do you know this?” she asked incredibly calm.

“You told me.”

“Do I have anything from them?”

“No…” she shook her head still looking at the road. “Everything burned down and-”

“Do I have any other relatives?” she interrupted her abruptly, too impatient to stand being protected with kind words.

“No, sorry. I mean, you had, but they were either too old or distant relatives and refused taking care of you.”

Rey bit her lip and looked outside the window. There was no disappointment, as she had known this before and her body was already immune to the bad news. Besides, what was the point in being sad about not being wanted by some strangers? It was a waste of time and energy to care about anyone who didn’t care about you. However, the huge emptiness was persisting.

“Thank you, Rose, and see you tomorrow,” she uttered getting out of the car and going to the front door. The lights were on and there was a car parked nearby, which meant that Ben was anything but alone. She got inside trying to make as little noise as she could, and tried to listen to the conversation while taking off her coat and boots. Ben and Kaydel were still chatting, with none of them seeming to have even noticed her presence, so she went into the kitchen. That morning she found a can of tuna and she knew the kitten would enjoy it more than her. She drained the brine and took out two spoons of fish on a plate. Any worries about the kitten not liking it were gone as soon the kitten began devouring the food.

“What name should I give you, little one?” she spoke gently while sitting on the kitchen floor next to her new friend.

The cat turned to her and meowed before devouring the last pieces of tuna.

“You needn’t have shoved your entire face in the fish. Now you need a bath… actually, I think you needed it in the first place.”

The kitten meowed again and jumped in her lap, cuddling at her chest.

“You miss your mommy, don’t you? But I can be your mommy now. And I shall name you… umm… Bee. Strange name for a cat, isn’t it? Bee Solo. It’s almost funny. Well, Bee Solo. Let’s give you a bath.”

When she got out of the kitchen, Ben and Kaydel were still discussing their work things, so she felt like not bothering them. So she snuck upstairs, gave Bee a bath, which went smoothly until it came the time to rinse her fur, then took a shower herself.

“We’re gonna sleep together tonight, right? You and I?” she leaned in to allow Bee to tap her nose with her tiny paw. But just as she reached the bottom of the stairs, she almost bumped into Kaydel. If it even was Kaydel. With no makeup on and that messy bun, she looked almost just like… her. Apart from her bigger eyes and smaller mouth, they looked almost identical.

“Hey, I didn’t know you were home!” said Kaydel with a husky voice, then hugged her.

“Hey… how are you?”

“Oh,” she rolled her eyes rather embarrassed. “I’m recovering my voice, I’ve thrown up like crazy and I can barely remember anything, but I’m good.”

“I’m glad,” smiled Rey cordially.

“By the way, I’ve brought you some flowers and a tiny gift to thank you for everything.”

“Why?” blinked Rey confused. “You were the one helping me,” she said looking for the first time at Ben, who was looking at them somehow bored… or maybe he was just tired.

“Well, my idiot friends loved the party and your food. I’ve left you a list of people who want to get in contact with you. They’re rich spoiled brats, so you can overcharge them.”

They both laughed and now Rey was seeing similarities even in the way they smiled. She knew it wasn’t healthy to go back there, but still… how come her husband’s only friend was a girl who looked so much like her?

“Thanks again and goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Rey looked at Ben, but he was already following Kaydel outside. She sighed and peeked at the large orange roses bouquet and the box next to it. With Bee still in her arms, she took the box and opened it, finding a cute pair of butterfly-shaped earrings.

“Do you want me to throw that towel in the laundry basket?”

Rey turned to face her husband and was surprised by her own apathy. She went from yearning after him to not even caring whether he was there or not in just a couple of hours. What was wrong with her?

“It’s not just a towel,” she said sitting down in the teal armchair, facing the fireplace. It would have been nice seeing it lit now that it was still snowing and it had that ideal wintery vibe.

“I should have probably asked you before, but I couldn’t leave it outside,” she said revealing the wet kitten hidden in the towel. “I named it Bee.”

She expected Ben to sigh annoyed and maybe lash at her expressing his disappointment, but he was the same guy whose favourite childhood memory was the one of him getting a diabolic cat for Christmas. So it was no surprise that he kneeled in front of her and made a high pitched sound similar to the one kids made when getting excited about something.

“Hi, Bee!”

The cat meowed back at him.

“I think she likes me.”

“I like you too and that doesn’t get you that excited,” said Rey on a playful tone, making Ben stop petting their new pet and look at her. 

“You look exhausted,” he remarked.

“Yeah… I’m a bit unwell emotionally.”

“Oh, the kids?”

She nodded with a miserable smile. 

“I felt sad too. Not only for them but for the elders too.”

“Yeah, I know. I was like one of those kids and I might also end up like one of the elders. It’s unfair how we all end up all alone.”

“But you’re not alone,” he cupped her cheek.

“Neither are you,” she said taking his hand and helping him get up before getting up herself. It was not that late, but she still turned off all the lights and took Ben and Bee upstairs, in the main bedroom. They got in bed and laid there in silence. Judging by the adorable snoring, Bee fell asleep before any of them did and even though the entire situation was making her feel comfortable, Rey was slowly feeling swallowed by misery.

“Ben?”

She didn’t want him to hear or see her cry, nor did she want him to worry or suffocate her with his overwhelming care.

“Can you hug me?”

“Sure.”

That warmth. That hard hot body. That beating heart. She wanted all of it.

As Ben’s strong arm was holding her tightly to his body, she snuck her fingers under his pyjama shirt, feeling the texture of his skin and flesh. She was indeed not alone. He was there, alive and breathing, emanating warmth and love only and only for her. But without him, she wasn’t sure she was going to feel the same. She couldn’t lose him ever.

Rey gasped and lifted her head to look at the shape of his peculiar yet gorgeous face. That was how Ben must have felt. The abandonment, the doubt, the misery and the overwhelming emptiness.

“I love you,” she whispered before kissing him gently and taking his hand.

They fell asleep holding hands and feeling loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a line from SVRCINA - Island (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f41dgqET2uY)
> 
> Because of my horrible health issues, I haven't been able to write the Christmas stories I've wanted to, but maybe I can pull one before Christmas, so please choose a theme as there is a tie for the moment (https://forms.gle/oBRxRm4cA91ztWVX7)
> 
> Note: I have changed the ending of this chapter a little bit to suit my overall feelings regarding TROS


	18. ...You are the ocean

“I’m sorry, Rey.”

She looked at her fingers - her nails had left visible marks on her skin and one finger was already bleeding.

“Why?” her voice trembled. She was not sure if she was feeling humiliated, disappointed, broken-hearted or simply not mature enough to accept rejection. After all, he had been nice enough to invite her in his house without asking for anything in return. Maybe he was just feeling pity for her and she had been misreading his kindness. After all, it wasn’t the first time he was rejecting her. And whereas the first time, he had a clear motive, now there was no reason other than the fact that he was just not interested. She had rejected a couple of boys herself, mostly because they were strangers and she was not feeling exactly safe going on a date with a stranger, but also because Maz had raised her to discourage any such unwanted proposals. However, she still had hoped that Ben shared her interest. After all, those kisses they had been sharing… 

“Oh my,” she scratched the back of her neck with her eyes closed in embarrassment. “You already have a girlfriend, don’t you?”

It was the moment of truth. Ben would admit that he had had a girlfriend, one from college or work, much older than her, taller and with bigger boobs. One whom he never rejected and to whom he made love regularly. Their fling had been only a silly game, only an older guy feeling pity for a stupid girl. He perhaps had intended to take advantage of her at some point, but she was just too ridiculous and childish for him to carry on with his initial plan. 

“Nah, I’m solo.”

Rey opened her eyes and looked at him confused as his face was slowly changing from serious to amused before he finally burst out laughing. Still torn apart by his rejection, she hesitated before she smiled and chuckled for a bit.

“Sorry. Bad pun.”

He cleared his throat and sat on the bed, then took Rey’s hand and pulled her closer. The height difference was usually so big that it was weird for her to be slightly taller than him now that he was sitting down. She licked her lips, watching Ben’s eyes follow every gesture she made. 

“So… is there any reason why you don’t want to be intimate with me?”

“Aren’t we already intimate enough?” he spoke softly.

He was right. He had been pulling her closer and closer that now his knees were between her legs, making her feel rather strange. Pleasant and exciting, but still strange. Not to mention that their naked bodies were mostly separated only by her towel and a little bit by his.

Rey inhaled, gathering all the courage inside her, and slowly sat herself on his lap, putting her arms around his neck.

“I don’t know. Are we?”

She was not sure how seductive or at least serious she could look with her cheeks burning and her bottom lip trembling. But Ben seemed to be convinced enough as he got closer and kissed her. And it was not one of those innocent kisses, but the passionate type that left her breathless and her knees weak like jelly.

“Ben,” she whispered his name as his lips were now kissing her neck. She was enjoying the butterflies in her stomach and the tickling sensation between her legs when Ben suddenly threw her on the bed. She looked at him with huge eyes as he seemed to devour her with his gaze. Her fingers wiped a bubble of saliva off his bottom lip, while his left hand was gently caressing her thigh, making the warmth between her legs overwhelming. She took the love and passion in his eyes as a success of her clumsy attempts to seducing him, so the normal thing to do next was to unwrap the towel. If only Ben’s hand hadn’t stopped her from doing so.

“You need to know something,” he spoke quietly, yet very clear.

“What?” she purred choosing to believe than anything he would tell her, was not going to break her heart again.

“I’ve never done this before.”

Rey blinked confused at his slightly embarrassed face.

“What? Sleep with a girl in a shitty motel?” she giggled trying not to remember Maz scolding her for her occasional foul language.

“Mmmno. Sleep with a girl for the first time.”

Rey rolled her eyes at his chivalry, though it was rather cheesy and old-fashioned.

“Well… it’s not exactly the most romantic context, but I trust you and I want this. You needn’t worry about me.”

But Ben insisted on rejecting her.

“At all! In general!” he raised his voice exasperated.

Rey’s mouth formed an ‘o’. The words had been assimilated by her brain, but not processed. She furrowed and got up on her elbows.

“You… I mean… you’re…”

He nodded with his cheeks red and his ears even redder. Rey blinked even more confused than the first time.

“Aren’t you like… I don’t know… ten years older than me?”

“Yeah, that’s not relevant,” he chuckled trying to appear less ashamed by his ‘purity’.

“But you’ve been to college. You had friends there and went to parties.”

“Yes, I did, but I-I’ve never felt comfortable with any of those girls. We would kiss and then I would become too self-conscious to even move. So except for a girl who… like… gave me a blow-job, I’ve never actually had sex.”

Rey said nothing.

“So I just wanted you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you. I like you very much, obviously, but I am not very comfortable right now.”

Rey put her hand on his face, gently caressing his cheek.

“I don’t know what’s a blow-job, but if you want me to-”

“Oh, God! No!” he laughed nervously.

They looked at each other for a while, not sure what to do or say at that point. Ben pursed his lips and got out of the bed to turn off the lights, then returned by Rey’s side. With the street lights so close to their bedroom windows, it was rather half-light in the room, which meant that they could still see each other, though not exactly clear. When the mattress moved under his weight, Rey closed her eyes and held her breath. A strange pressure in her chest brought tears in her eyes, but at least staring at the ceiling fan was distracting enough to make her not notice the clock ticking as time passed by.

“Ben?” she whispered much later. She had been lying in the same position the entire evening and, by the cadence of Ben’s breath, she could guess that he was not sleeping either and not because it wasn’t that late after all, nor because he was not truly tired.

“Hm?”

She parted her lips, but then closed her mouth immediately, trying to decide which question to ask first.

“Why did you ask me to move in with you?”

It was his turn to ponder an answer.

“I don’t know. It felt like the right thing to do.”

That was not exactly in any way romantic and Rey had to bit her lip to keep the sob inside her chest.

“I just couldn’t imagine you suffering or leaving and never seeing you again.”

She closed her eyes, tears streaming from the corners of her eyes, wetting the pillow.

“Please don’t get me wrong, Rey. I don’t want anything from you.”

_ Great _ . As if he hadn’t been clear enough just before.

“I don’t expect you to do anything about this and I promise you are safe in my house, but I need you to know this. If in any way it bothers you, please forget I said it in the first place.”

“What?” she exhaled not sure of how long she could keep all that frustration inside.

“At first, I found you nice and everything, but my feelings have changed. Our small talks during my breaks and the kiss we shared that night…” He got up to look at her. He was so big that he seemed more like a shadow ready to swallow her up. “I think I see you as more than a friend.”

Rey furrowed. She was probably going insane from all those changes in her life and the stress.

“What did you say?” she uttered feeling her entire body numb and cold.

“God,” he sighed. “I know I’m making a fool out of myself, but the truth is… I love you, Rey. I love you the most I could ever love anyone and I don’t know why, but I don’t even care, to be honest.”

He chewed on his bottom lip, glad that they could not completely see each other’s faces and just the mere shape. 

“Ok,” she smiled.

“As I said, I don’t expe-”

“Because I love you the most, too.”

She reached for his hand and their fingers interlocked. Ben saw the gesture as an invitation and laid once more by her side, except this time their bodies were touching each other.

“Why?” he asked caressing her cold arm. “What could you possibly love about me?”

“I don’t know,” she laughed unaware of his many complexes. “Everything? I mean, you were kind of weird and annoying in the beginning, but you grew on me.”

She heard him giggle and she joined him, now a little bit more relaxed, then cuddled at his chest, drawing circles on his skin.

“You know… if we hadn’t stopped that night, right now we would have been, most likely, busy humping like bunnies.”

“Yeah… most likely…” he hugged her. “Maybe we didn’t stop.”

Rey lifted her head, but instead of seeing anything, she just inhaled his scent, bringing back the tingling sensation inside her womb and between her legs.

“Maybe we didn’t,” she repeated his words. “And it was romantic and cute because it happened in my old bedroom. It was my goodbye to… my old life as a teenager and me welcoming the woman I am now. And the man who made love to me is the kindest and most handsome man.”

“And he loves you the most.”

“And he loves me the most,” she snorted reaching for his smooth thick hair. “You should let it grow longer and perhaps grow a beard too.”

“I doubt my bosses would agree with you, but I might consider it.”

“Is that the only suggestion you might want to consider?” she kissed his jaw just before he got up. She sought the shape of his body in the dark, feeling the panic build inside her in the wake of another rejection. However, he threw something on the ground then hid under the sheets. Quickly, Rey did the same thing, throwing her towel on the nightstand and joining him.

“Don’t be afraid,” he tried to soothe her anxiety, although his was more than evident. What he did not know was that she hadn’t even noticed her body trembling. There was no hesitation as far as it concerned her, but only regarding the act itself. However, she was doing her best to ignore the fact that they were both completely naked this time. It seemed that Ben was right about all that self-consciousness bullshit. Were her legs perfectly shaved? The lights were off, but he could still sense whether something about her was not perfect. Like maybe she was too boney or her inner thighs were not firm enough. Was he going to end up disappointed that her skin was not that soft and that it did not smell like honey and roses? Maybe it didn’t freaking matter!

“Oh, I’m just cold,” she shuddered.

“Ok, then,” he sighed relieved. “Just please tell me if I hurt you or if it makes you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m fine. Are  _ you  _ sure you want this?”

Ben hesitated for a moment, then suddenly covered her lips with his. He was probably still not sure about what they were about to do, but his body was more than ready. The kiss did not only help him get distracted from any negative thoughts but also helped Rey pay attention to that sweet flavour of his. She also did not notice her legs getting parted, the heavy body pressing against hers, nor something warm nudging against her entrance. But her tiny moments of bliss did not for too long as she opened her eyes in panic.

In Maz’s secret stash of romance novels, the hero and his lady used to do so much more before finally doing  _ it _ . And now tension was building inside her, the tension leading to sudden fear. She was wet as she could feel her own fluids, but something else was missing. She had made a terrible terrible mistake and was not ready to suffer the consequences.

_ Ow. _ She gasped for air.  _ Ow. Ow. Ow _ .

It was hot and thick, much larger than she had ever imagined. And even though her body was squeezing and flexing around him with each invasive thrust, only a clenched jaw kept her from crying out her pain and agony, because as Ben was going deeper, it was getting more and more difficult to bite her tongue. So her nails scraped against his skin and she suddenly lifted her head, biting deeply into his shoulder. She breathed heavily against his skin for a while, until she realized that he was too breathing heavily and staying still. Once the pain dimmed, she let herself fall back on her pillow, though unsure whether she should say anything. Maybe it was not a good idea to say anything for a while. Instead, she put her palms on his shoulders, massaging his skin. The place where she bit him still had the marks of her teeth.

“What do I do now?” he whispered, reminding her of his own lack of experience.

Rey smiled. The adorable fool was not asking her believing she knew more than him. He was trying to ask if she was feeling ok. He was asking for her opinion.

She  pinched  him  playfully, then cleared her throat trying to remember how it was like in the books. In soap operas, the couples were mostly kissing under the sheets, but, as she had just learnt, it wasn’t like that in real life. At least in the books…

“I think you’re supposed to move… like… back and forward?” she said with a raspy voice.

_ Ow! _ She closed her eyes and clung to his shoulders as Ben was thrusting clumsily. And then it happened. She had assured him she would tell him in case she felt uncomfortable, but she decided to deal with the discomfort on her own. And surprisingly, it worked. It might have been just a mere moment or perhaps even just her imagination, but when she moved, there was a tiny moment of pleasure. She did it again and her ‘ow’ was followed by an ‘oh’.

The sudden pleasure came as a pleasant surprise she needed to explore more, but it only included her body. What about her spirit and the feeling that something was still missing and keeping her from enjoying what they were doing? The answer came with a flash of lightning lighting up the room in such a manner that they both felt as if they were making love in the morning, under the sun.

“I…” she teared up seeing his face and acknowledging his presence, the identity of the man making love to her. He wasn’t just a shadow.

“I…”

Ben seemed to notice her pained face as he immediately lowered his body, his chest pressing against her breasts, and kissed her gently while touching her thighs with his curious, yet still shy hands.

“I feel it too. I love you, little one…”

***

“Rey?”

A serious Rey with her hair tied up in a messy bun looked at her husband. He approached her cautiously and left Bee in her lap, the kitten meowing at the sight of her owner and running to cuddle at her chest. Rey smiled scratching her back just above the tail, but Ben knew when his wife was not being herself, though she hadn’t been herself in weeks. He had guessed that something was wrong the moment she did not come out of their bedroom at all. He had taken care of Bee the entire morning and the kitty eventually rewarded him by snoring on his cast while he worked at the computer, but his attention was most definitely not on Bee or his work. Not when he hadn’t heard Rey’s footsteps the entire morning.

He looked at her. If Bee made him forget about his anxiety for a few hours, it did not seem to have the same effect on Rey. Perhaps she was looking at their pet, but not truly doing so, as her gaze was a lost one and her mind seemed to be far away.

“Sweetheart?” he sat down next to her. “Shouldn’t you be with the kids or with Rose at least?”

She shook her head still visibly distressed.

“I didn’t feel like getting out of the house… or bed.”

“I see,” he took her hand and kissed it without getting any reaction from her.

“Did you feed Bee?” she said apathetic and threw the tablet on Ben’s pillow.

“Yeah. I gave her some tuna and water.”

“Good,” she nodded. “I should probably go to the pet store and get her actual cat food and maybe a bed and some toys. She should be seen by a vet, too.”

Ben watched her rub her temples and then her eyes and felt powerless, helpless, incapable of taking care of his wife and her needs. He inhaled and exhaled quickly, letting out a whimper. The whimper drew Rey’s attention, who stopped brooding and looked at him and his sad puppy face.

“Speaking of doctors,” he furrowed. “I asked about a CT scan for you.”

“Oh,” she closed her eyes slapping her forehead. “I forgot about that. Typically me.”

“Yeah, so I was saying, the waiting list is huge and we might have to wait a few months. Buuut the police has your file and in the papers in that file, we might have the answer for your scar.”

“Great,” she murmured without a drop of enthusiasm.

“Isn’t this what you want? Answers?”

His voice was so soft and gentle that it felt more like a knife to her stomach. To get the answer, she had to swim in a sea of mud and trash. She had tasted some of it and she did not like it at all. She knew she could trust Rose regarding Phasma’s reliability, but maybe that woman still knew something about her that no one else did. After all, regardless of how much free time Phasma had, it was illogical for someone to waste so much time investigating from home and accusing people she was not even involved with in the first place.

“Come,” she tapped on her abdomen and Ben chuckled. However, moments later, his head was resting on her abdomen and both Rey and Bee were playing with his long curled raven strands.

“Any nightmares?”

Ben blinked lazily and looked at his lethargic wife.

“No. No nightmares, no panic attacks, no anxiety. You? Any memories coming back?”

Rey touched Ben’s nose gently, tracing its interesting shape and stopping above his upper lip. She had done that before… No! She wanted to do it, but she was too afraid back then. She was also too afraid to look at him, even though just the night before she was swooning over every little piece of his body. What was even his opinion about her at that point? 

“ _ Is this the end? _ ” she managed to ask him while he was getting dressed. According to the news, the storm had turned into a drizzle and the roads were clean enough to go back home. And Ben was surely eager to get home after leaving his mom alone with her nurse for so long.

“ _ What do you mean? _ ”

“ _ Last time… after Maz’s funeral, you told me that us doing this would be a loss. That we couldn’t be friends anymore. So is this the end? _ ”

“ _ It doesn’t feel like an end to me. _ ”

His serenity was surprising and unlike him, but so was Rey’s bad mood. So he jumped next to her in bed. With his shirt unbuttoned and dishevelled and without his hair perfectly combed, he was just like a teenager. Somehow, his attitude was making the differences between them less significant and more forgettable. 

“ _ I won’t take back what I said, Rey. I do love you. If I disappointed you in any way… _ ”

“ _ You were perfect, _ ” she jumped to defend him, even though her lower body wasn’t feeling exactly perfect.

“ _ Then what do you say about tonight? _ ”

Rey’s eyes grew wider and she bit her lip. She was hurting. No matter how much she was trying to fool her own mind that her first time had occurred that night in her old bedroom, the pain between her legs was more than just an aching reminder that she was no longer a virgin. It was a reminder that some things require time and patience. Ben had been honest and told her that he had no experience either, so why the hell did she push him to do that instead of allowing each other to explore their relationship and bodies patiently?

“ _ Sure _ ,” she sighed. “ _ In my bedroom? _ ”

Ben raised an eyebrow amused, then laughed.

“ _ I was asking you on a date, silly. _ ”

“ _ Date? _ ” she furrowed.

“ _ We don’t have to call it a date if you don’t want to, _ ” he suddenly panicked. “ _ I’ve told you before - I don’t expect anything from you and you are safe in my house, even if we don’t pursue this relationship. _ ”

She parted her lips and let out a sound of relief.

“ _ But what if I want to? _ ”

“What if I want to?” she murmured.

“Want what?”

Ben had his eyes closed and by the look of it, he was one caress away from falling asleep with Bee happily entangled in his hair. Rey moved carefully, then bent over Ben, grabbed his face and kissed him.

“Do you want to do something together?” she asked brushing her nose against his.

“I should go back to work, Rey.”

“Not now,” she continued peppering kisses on his lips, chin, nose and forehead, making him giggle. “But one of these days. Kaydel’s party was nice, but there were too many drunk strangers and our unplanned movie date was amazing, but I just wish we had more time for us. Where did you take me for our first date?”

“To the farm to see your old pets. We were supposed to ride the horses, but you were feeling unwell, so we just ate some freshly baked bread with butter and cheese and drank some milk, then we went for a long long walk.”

“That’s… that’s actually very sweet. We should do it.”

“Sounds good to me. Buuut I need to go back to work now,” he sighed getting up and putting Bee on his cast.

“Ben,” she called him before he got to leave the room. “If things go back to normal, do you want to… like… go back to working with me and leave your current job?”

Ben inhaled and stood there without moving or saying anything for a few moments.

“I can’t give you an answer now as I don’t want to jinx it, but I will think about it.”

Maybe Rey’s amnesia was still bad enough to keep her from enjoying many things, but her instincts were still alive and telling her that Ben’s hesitance was just his usual reluctance to trying out new things. He might have refused her politely for the moment, but his actual answer was a positive one.

She knew it.

She knew him.

***

“Thank you for buying from us! See you soon!”

The client took her receipt and waved goodbye before leaving with a large box full of lemon tarts. She was the last one of the many clients they had that day and Rose was more than proud of their success. She opened the cafe rather late, as she had to stand in for a colleague whose son slipped on ice and ended up needing stitches. Rey later joined her, but the lady usually responsible for the cooking was back at work, so her friend was more than glad to go upstairs and entertain the children before their nap. So it was late afternoon when they arrived at work to find their clients gathered in front of their cafe, demanding goodies. They were so desperate to try on their products that many of them didn’t even bother minding their own lives while Rey finished baking the first batch of cookies, instead waiting inside the cafe and trying Rose’s blends.

_ Oh, if only all days were like this _ , she sighed massaging her stiff neck. She took off her apron and left the counter sneaking in the kitchen, where Rey was decorating some pink cupcakes.

“I’m almost done,” she said adding a tiny sugar paste butterfly on one of the cupcakes. She hadn’t even lifted her head to look at her! It was as if she had some sort of power that made her sense her presence regardless of how focused she was on her decorations. Rose smiled then quickly turned her head. The ringing bell from the front door was announcing a new customer. She hadn’t hung the ‘closed’ sign just yet and there were still some apricot jam croissants left for sale that she had initially hoped to buy them herself. Oh well…

“Hello, how may I help you?”

She put on a smile before the client approached her enough for her to distinguish her features under the furry hood of her grey cloak. But once she noticed that arrogant gaze and defying smirk, her smile vanished.

“Are the pink strawberry cupcakes ready?”

“In just a couple of minutes.”

“Ok, then,” she said looking around. “Is this all you have?”

“It’s quite late and everything was sold out as soon as we put them up for sale.”

The woman rolled her eyes extremely bored with Rose’s explanation and waved her hand to silence her.

“Then pack all those croissants too.”

Rose knew that it was better to just ignore her and do her job, so she gently put all the croissants in a box and left it on the counter. She was about to charge her for the croissant and the cupcakes when Rey got out of the kitchen with the cupcakes placed on a beautiful pink tray. Her smile vanished too at the sight of Mrs Phasma, but she seemed to be calm enough to brush off any resentments and place the tray on the counter before the client.

“Thank you, dearie. I knew I could count on you. Please don’t forget that you’re always invited to any of my private parties as both the chef and a guest. Well… unless you’ve already forgotten about them and you need to be reminded of how much fun you used to have.”

Rey furrowed at that evil smirk, not understanding the subtext of her words. What was she implying and why was she insisting on acting as if she knew her best than Ben or Rose or even herself?

“Wait!” she ran outside after Mrs Phasma, ignoring Rose’s protests. The woman turned to face her and Rey took a defensive stance, breathing heavily.

“Yes, dearie?”

“I’ve read your blog, Mrs Phasma, and I am not at all content with what you’ve written about me these past years and especially not about my husband. I think we all deserve an apology.”

“Do you?” she snorted. “Rey, everything I wrote is the truth and nothing but the truth. You were quite a pleasant surprise, dearie. Maybe you don’t remember our friendship, but I helped you rediscover yourself and your abilities. I made you a star… well… you were on the verge of becoming a star like your brother until  _ someone  _ got paranoid and jealous.”

Rey shook her head.

“You’re lying. I know you do. Ben would have never harmed me out of jealousy on my success.”

“Oh my,” laughed the woman. “Who said anything about that? It was not necessarily about your success as it was about your new friends. All those men willing to help you escape your mediocre life.”

_ Men _ ? Like the ones Ben was told about when Finn tried to convince him that she was alive but in the arms of another man?

“I am not and I have most definitely never been a cheater!” she lashed at the woman, though her vocal tremor was not helping her at all as the woman laughed again. She was treating her like a silly little girl.

“You are so dramatic, my dear. It was not cheating. It was experimenting. We all do it. Your husband included.”

Rey gasped and watched Phasma leaving in her white Mercedes. It was impossible. That woman must have been a wicked pathological liar because Rey knew herself and Ben and there was no way either of them had cheated on the other. Yes, she had been ridiculously jealous on Kaydel, but the girl was in love with someone else and Ben had always been too shy and reserved to just jump in another woman’s bed. And he was naively honest, so even the possibility of him having a mistress or random adventures during her missing years was out of the question. He had admitted to having only pleasured himself and to have been solely focused on his work and bills and she believed him.

However, in what concerned her…

_ No _ ! She shook her head refusing to believe Phasma’s words. She wouldn’t have done that to Ben, especially not after how much it took her to get him to make love to her, date her and marry her. Not considering his abandonment issues, her need for a family and the pain they had suffered after the premature death of what would have been their first baby. Maybe she did run away days ago when Finn came to see her, but she was scared and vulnerable and he was her brother, not some stranger she wanted to fuck.

“I’ve told you to not listen to Phasma or talk to her or pay attention to her or… Ugh! Anything!”

Rey closed her eyes ashamed. Rose was right to scold her. After all, it took her half an hour to calm her down and make her stop crying after her altercation with Phasma. Now that she could think more clearly, she was angry at her own self for being so silly to believe those lies and feed that woman’s ego. She couldn’t just believe any stranger she met on the streets when it came to her life before her disappearance. It was a ridiculous, immature and desperate thing to do, not to mention extremely unhealthy.

“Thanks, Rose,” she hugged her once the car stopped in front of her house. “Thank you for everything.”

“That’s what friends are for,  _ dearie _ .”

They both laughed at Rose’s imitation, then Rey said her goodbyes and ran inside. Now without Rose to see her, scold her and encourage her, paranoia was getting under her skin once more. It was like a bunch of tiny claws scratching to work their way up inside her spirit. 

“Sweetheart?”

Rey closed her eyes and bit her lip keeping the whimper inside her chest.

“Do you have something to tell me?”

She heaved knowing perfectly that there was no point in even trying to fool him anymore. Therefore, she looked him in the eye with all the strength she had left in her tiny body.

“I’ve met Phasma yesterday and again today. She told me… stuff. She told me how I was ‘experimenting’ with other men and how you did the same thing.”

Ben looked at her all serious, then furrowed.

Was he contemplating their past sins?

Was he about to have another panic attack or lash at her? 

“Please say something!” she cried. “I need you to say something!”

“Say what, Rey?” he shrugged perfectly calm. “The only truth is what we have right now. It’s your choice whether you choose to believe some crazy bored woman or your feelings for me.”

Rey pursed her lips not completely satisfied with his words, no matter how reasonable he sounded. She knew that she should have kept her mouth shut, but she still opened it and before she even realised what she said, her heart broke at the sight of Ben’s disappointed face and guilty eyes.

“After what we’ve had these past days, including this morning, I’d truly expected more from you, Rey. I won’t even bother anymore with explaining to you that Kaydel has been my only friend and support and with pointing out all the reasons why I don’t hate you or blame you. I can assure you that I could get past you cheating on me as a mistake, but I can’t get over and over again you gaslighting me.”

Now  _ that  _ hurt.

“I’m so sorry, Ben!”

She ran towards him to hug him, dropping her bag, but as she stretched out her arms to reach him, he took a step back. She knew her husband well enough by that point to know when he needed his space. Pushing him would only lead to him rejecting her even more and completely ruining the little they had accomplished so far.

“Umm… I’ve got some stuff for Bee like food, treats, toys and… stuff. I’ve got you some cupcakes too.”

He didn’t even bother saying anything to her. He just turned his back on her and left. Rey shook her head and went after him, following him in the living room.

“At least tell me where Bee is!”

No answer. Just the study door slammed in her face.

Rey let out a loud frustrated groan. Phasma won. She didn’t even need to plant the seed of doubt again or anything else. It was enough that she threw the pack of seeds at her because she ended up doing her work anyway. 

She rubbed her eyes and sat down in the teal armchair, too numb to even think about her miserable decisions. She looked at her feet, only now realising that she was still wearing her boots, staining her gorgeous carpet. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from groaning again and took off her boots, throwing them like a rugby ball, across the living room and right into the hallway, even managing to hit the tiny table with the drawer where Ben had his notebook in. The table itself was not the issue, but the large glass vase full of blooming orchids was. She ran to it catch right before hitting the wooden floor. Some soil did fell out of the vase, but Rey managed to put most of it back in the vase. Why was even an orchid vase there? The ones Ben had decorated the house once she returned were still in perfect condition.

_ The orchids bought by Ben… _

“Has Kaydel been here?” she asked as soon as she heard his footsteps behind her, knowing that Ben was too busy to go out for more important things, let alone something so trivial such as buying flowers to decorate the house.

“Yeah, she dropped by to bring me some papers from work.”

“And these flowers too?” she murmured looking at the tiny box on the table. She thought she had put those earrings in the jewellery box in the walk-in closet. Why on earth had she brought her flowers and jewellery again? Her food was great, but not that spectacular for Kaydel to bring her a… ring. She took out the ring and looked at it. A gold wedding band identical to the larger one she had worn on her finger for a few days before giving it back to…

“Ben…”

“I can’t give you back the engagement ring or afford a similar replacement at the moment, but I thought you might want your wedding ring back… or at least a new one like the one you lost.”

“It’s so beautiful,” she wept turning to face him. She did not try to hug him again. Instead, she handed him the ring.

“When you decide that we are both ready to be husband and wife, you can put it on my finger.”

Ben took the ring and looked at it without any drop of at least warmth, let alone love or nostalgia for the time they had spent as husband or wife. Not even hope for a better future in which…

_ Is he smiling?  _

“How about tonight?”

“What?”

Ben Solo - always unpredictable and full of surprises. Always a grumpy giant with a heart of gold. He took her hand and, clumsily, put the ring on her finger before taking it to his lips and kissing it.

“I think you’re now once again officially married, Mrs Solo.”


	19. I was lying to you, baby, when I said my love grew cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year and new decade!  
I've decided to not split this chapter into two parts as I've previously done, so it is a bit different and I must say it was tiresome for me to write it (it's my favourite and I've had fragments written throughout these past weeks all over my notebooks).  
Also, once you reach the end of the chapter, you will notice that we are not that far away from the conclusion of this story. I didn't finish it by the end of December as I had hoped, but there isn't much left.

Proud.

That was the perfect word to describe it.

Proud. Rey Solo was feeling proud of herself. She had no recollection of feeling that satisfied professionally ever before, though she had probably felt maybe even better, but so far, as a woman who had returned from the dead, it was enough. It was great. Feeding the children and having fun with them and selling cookies with Rose was satisfying in its own manner but at a more personal level. _ This _, however, was something else.

After Ben and she made up, she had foolishly hoped for a moment that it was finally going to happen. Ben was finally going to be hers and he would reclaim her body as his. However, the ring on her finger had no effect on his strong stance, because once Bee was fed and got acquainted with her new bed and toys, he hid in his study once more. There was no doubt that he was still upset, and he was in his right to be that way after her stupid mouth ended up almost ruining everything… again.

But even risking taking him for granted, she relaxed knowing that no matter how grumpy her husband was, he would always forgive her. Or at least for the moment, she was sure he would give her and their relationship one more chance. Otherwise, a few hours later, when Rey was enjoying herself in their fancy bathtub, Ben would have left as soon as he walked in on her rubbing her naked body with a sponge. Instead, he stood there, looking at her naked body barely covered in foam, and waiting for her to give him her consent. So she took a wrinkled hand out of the water and reached for him. Seconds later, he was in the water, still wearing his clothes and looking incredibly sexy. 

She watched him run his wet fingers through his hair and lick his lips.

“I feel like I should say something, but I have no idea what,” she smiled shyly.

“Then don’t,” he said relaxed. 

“I can’t.”

They looked at each other, then they both laughed.

“I guess I am just really excited about my new baby,” she admired her ring, then proudly showed it to her husband, who rolled his eyes amused.

“Speaking of babies… How are the kids?” he changed the subject.

Rey put her foot on his thigh, watching closely his microexpressions. 

“Positive. Sometimes I wish I were like them.”

“Well… you used to be like them.”

Rey gave him a deadly glare.

“Positive, I mean,” he smiled. “How can you expect to handle everything if you get upset over someone like Phasma?”

She had hoped he wouldn’t bring it up.

“I know… I was a fool…”

“At least you can count on being the most adorable fool I’ve ever met.”

He put his hand on her ankle and rubbed it gently, though his eyes were focused on Rey’s slender neck, the few darker freckles on her chest, making her skin look like a star map, and her beautiful breasts he was barely keeping himself from touching. 

“The kids missed you,” she said and Ben flinched once she moved and put her other foot on his thigh. “I mean… I am _ fun _, but according to them, Ben is the most awesomest. We might start a fan club soon.”

“Yeah, it would help a lot.”

Considering how probably the entire town was against him and believing him a murderer? Perhaps. But now people knew that she was alive and well and back in his arms, so while not everyone would understand and admit their mistreatment towards Ben, at least Ben himself could end up feeling once again at home in that place, without having to work miles away or hide in the house all the time. Without having to run away from her…

“Ben,” she uttered coming closer. “Tell me more, please. About me. About us.”

“Like what?”

“Like… I don’t know… tell me about our first date. You told me that we went to see the animals, didn’t get to ride the horses, ate bread and took a walk. What else? What did _ you _like the most?”

“I…” he chuckled. “I don’t really know. It was very cute somehow. I was nervous after our first time, so I was a little bit too talkative, which was a mess coming from me. But I didn’t want you to hate me or overthink how much of a shitty boyfriend I was and change your mind. So at some point, you got distracted with the animals and it was so great,” he laughed embarrassed. “We had fun, then we got hungry and your judgemental perfect little ass had to criticise even how the slices of bread were cut.”

“I would never!” she splashed him.

“Well you did!” he splashed her back. “And ate all the tomatoes. I swear you don’t have a stomach, but a black hole.”

“I like eating!” she laughed and Ben put his healthy arm around her waist, pulling her closer. Rey landed on his chest, giggling all flustered.

“Well, I like eating too, but with you eating all of the food, I am not left with much and have to eat other things.”

Rey bit her lip and touched the corner of his mouth with a wrinkled finger. She could see the playfulness in his eyes but had no idea how much the wet strands of hair escaping from her messy bun were turning him on. Ben parted his lips, inviting Rey to kiss him, which she did hastily before he would change his mind.

“Rey…” he moaned and Rey’s eyes grew wider. 

“What did we do after the date?”

“Umm…” he rubbed his eyes. “We went back home and because none of us could sleep yet, you asked me to stay with you, in your bedroom. I remember how adorable you were in that old fashioned nightgown, hugging your knees and too shy to look at me. I was just too in love to accept the possibility of you hating me, so I stayed with you, trying my best to make you feel comfortable until…” 

“Until what?”

“Until we were both kissing and cuddling and your hand was in my pants and mine under your gown,” he scratched his ear observing her tilting her head.

“We had sex?”

“No,” he shook his head leaving Rey completely fascinated with the waterdrops caught in his curls. “But it sure was amazing.”

_ And it could be again _, she thought cupping his face and caressing his cheeks. She stared up at him. His eyes were as hungry as hers. So she let out a whimper and devoured his mouth as if seeking to become one with him to feel complete again.

“Rey,” he moaned again aching to touch her. “I’m so tired.”

“Oh,” she pulled back disappointed, rubbing her fingers up his arms, under his wet T-shirt, to his shoulders. “Do you need help getting changed?”

Ben touched the front of his teeth with the tip of his tongue and chuckled amused at his wife’s confused face.

“Tired of holding it back.”

He licked his lips nervously, but with his eyes glimmering full of excitement and hope.

“What I meant, Rey-Rey, is that I am… umm… ready. If you ever want to make love, I want you to know that I am tired of holding it back and pretending that I am not dying to touch you. I love you the most, sweetheart. I can’t waste any more time on doubts and fears.”

Rey let out a sigh and blinked quickly. Why was she feeling so sad so suddenly? It was she had wished for in the past week and since returning home. It was what she had hoped for the entire night as soon as Ben slid the ring up her finger.

As if sensing her inner struggle, Ben soothed her with kisses on her neck until she closed her eyes and let herself enjoy their intimacy.

“I love you,” she moaned letting her hand slid between his legs, groping what she believed to finally be the proof of his desire. With her other hand, she took him by the wrist, leading his healthy hand between her legs. The rest, the gentle strokings and the finger sliding inside, soon followed by another, were all his doing. Gasping for air, she clutched at him, her eyes never leaving his. 

“These are amazing! Oh, we sure did miss you!”

Rey woke up from her reverie and looked at the woman wearing cat eyeglasses and a peach silk dress and holding a planner. Even though she was talking to her, her entire attention was being dedicated to the sweets before her. She licked her lips and stole a macaron, devouring it in just a few seconds.

“Don’t tell Dahlia,” she giggled. “Oh, I’m Tessa with the emails. We’ve met before, but in case you don’t remember me…”

Rey shook her hand with a friendly smile. No side-eyes, no whispers, no mean remarks.

“I actually don’t, so thanks.” she chuckled. “And thank you so much for contacting me. I’ve been back for just a few weeks and I’m trying to get back my old life.”

“I’ve heard,” the young woman gave her a pitiful smile. “Dahlia was _ so _upset the last time we contacted you for a party and got no reply. We later saw it on the internet. Are you ok now?”

“Umm yeah,” she nodded a bit uncomfortable. “My husband, brother and best friend have been of so much help.”

“That’s great! Good for you! And for us!” chuckled Tessa. “Dahlia will be delighted to taste all of these.”

Rey smiled unsure what to say. It was a bit awkward for her to be all alone between strangers without Ben or Rose or anyone else. Though, with Ben asking her to text him every couple of minutes, it didn’t feel as if he weren’t actually physically present. Not that texting him helped her with her aching heart. She longed to be by his side and let him pamper her and pepper her with kisses. Or maybe she was the one who had to pamper him after all that he did for her.

After their interesting time spent together in the bathtub, she helped Ben change his clothes and went downstairs to check on Bee. The kitten was sleeping peacefully with a plush ball between her paws and with head on her bed and the rest on the floor. The two watched her for a while as a pair of two proud parents, then they decided to let her sleep. So Rey made some hot chocolate and put on a plate the cupcakes she had brought from the cafe, then ran upstairs with Ben and spent the rest of the night talking sweet nothings and being totally in love. That was how her marriage had been before her disappearance and no one could tell her otherwise. Ben loved her and she loved him, they would take care of Bee and adopt some more pets, then Ben would quit his job and join her and Rose, then, after they were sure their wounds were properly healed and they were more financially stable, they would finally have their baby… and maybe adopt another. Anna was a sweet child and she seemed to like them. 

Rey shook her head and grabbed a slice of white chocolate mango cheesecake, taking a large bite. It was so delicious! Everything was delicious because she had the best help in the world - Mr Ben Solo. 

After the day she had, Rey would have preferred sleeping all day long, but around seven in the morning, Ben woke her up to tell her that Rose had been calling her like crazy. An hour later, she was in the cafe’s kitchen, baking cookies and quiches and making sandwiches. The clients were more than happy to find the cafe open so early, so time pretty much flew like their products off the shelves. 

“Sorry for calling you so early, but this evening I must take care of Mrs Silva and I didn’t want to keep the cafe closed all day long.”

“No worries,” said Rey wiping her sweaty forehead with a paper napkin. “I can take care of the cafe for how long you need, but I need some help too.”

“Ben?” smiled Rose cleaning a table. Rey raised an eyebrow, then noticed her friend pointing at her wedding band. 

“No! I mean yes,” she blushed. “Actually no. I mean, I need help with an order.”

And two hours later, while Rey was slowly panicking as the sandwiches were vanishing and the oven was ringing like crazy, announcing her that her croissants were moments away from setting the entire place on fire, Rose came in with six bags full of ingredients and with her skilful hands ready to take over the counter, while Rey retired in the kitchen for the rest of the day. Once the cafe was closed, Rose dropped Rey at the retirement home and she left to take care of Mrs Silva. Of course, Rey would have rather returned home earlier, but knowing that Ben was too much of a workaholic to let himself be seduced, she found colouring with the kids a far better distraction. It sure was. When not asking about Ben, the kids reenacted their own crazy versions of ‘The Little Mermaid’ or organized contests, drawing the craziest cakes they could imagine. And Anna… Oh, Anna! She gave her her baby blanket and they played with the elephant, the little girl being the mommy and Rey the daddy. And she also gave her the sweetest hug and smelled like a baby and giggled like an angel.

“How old are you, Anna?” asked her Rey while putting her hair up in three adorable buns, despite not being the easiest task with those chestnut curls reminding her of Ben’s hair. Their baby boy would have had the same curls? Rey shook her head and paid attention to Anna, who was drawing an elephant family… or so she claimed.

“Umm… two?”

“You’re two years old?”

“Umm… mmmno?”

Rey laughed.

“Then how old are you, mysterious girl?”

“Three. It’s my birthday soon.”

“Really?” smiled Rey inexplicably excited, then deflated realizing that the poor girl had spent all of her birthdays without a family… just like she did for many years. “Then maybe I will bake you a cake. Hmm? Do you want a big cake with an elephant on it?”

“Mmmmno?”

“Then what do you want?” she pulled her in her arms, tickling her and kissing her cheeks. The little girl screamed and laughed and looked at Rey with her dark ancient-like eyes.

“I want my mommy.”

And she wasn’t her mommy. Anna’s mommy, the one who made her the blanket, was long dead and if she were like her even the tiniest bit, Anna would spend many birthdays wishing for her mommy.

“Don’t cry…” she wiped her tear with her tiny hand, then kissed her on the nose. “Mommy is a star.”

“My mommy is a star too,” caressed Rey her perfect little head. “And you know, my mommy has always taken care of me from the sky and she sent me Ben.”

“Ben!” the little girl applauded joyful, looking at the door.

“He’s not here now, but maybe Ben and I can do something for your birthday. A surprise! What do you say?”

“Umm… cupcake?”

Rey snorted.

“A cupcake?”

“Two cupcake. Fufu and Anna cupcake.”

“Don’t you want cupcakes for the other children too?”

Anna looked at her, once again fascinating her with those eyes of hers. She seemed to ponder the offer for a while until she turned her back to her and threw herself on the floor to continue her drawing.

“So? Cupcakes for the other children?”

“Mmmno.”

So radical!

“Great!” she chuckled considering once again the possibility of adopting her. After all, that little girl seemed to be a miniature Ben Solo. Like the son she never had the chance to give birth to… or maybe the bunch of cells was supposed to be a girl. Three Ben Solo’s in her house? It sounded both tempting and pure madness.

However, once she stepped inside her home, there was no trace left of her good mood. She was feeling hollow and lost. She laid on the floor, staring at the ceiling, too broken to cry and too undecided about her life, and with only Bee to meow at her, all worried. The kitten patted her with her tiny paw and Rey took her and put her on her chest. Ben had told her to take it easier, but her feelings had no master, nor did her worries.

“Do you hate me?” she asked Ben as he lifted her on his shoulder like a potato sack and carried her upstairs.

“Are you drunk?” he asked throwing her the bed and peeling Bee off his cast.

“I’m miserable.”

“I can see that. So… do you have anything to tell me?”

She did not look at him, which was not really an option as Bee climbed on her face, blocking her view.

“Do you hate me?”

“Not again…” Ben grunted and grabbed both her ankles with his giant hand, pulling her in the middle of the bed. Rey yelped scaring Bee, the kitten jumping on the pillow, then she got up on her elbows and looked at her husband. He unbuttoned her jeans like a professional, then pulled them off her hips.

“I can’t have sex with you knowing you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, silly!”

“Yes, you do.”

Ben gave her a confused glare, then proceeded with undressing her.

“Why do you think so?” he said throwing her jeans on an ottoman chair.

“It’s my fault our baby died.”

“Rey,” he sighed exasperatedly. “Bab-sweetheart, that was a long time ago. It was just a bunch of cells. We got over this years ago.”

“I knooow,” she whined. “But I never got over it. I used to cry when you were not watching and each time I saw a child. I kept lying to myself that I didn’t care, but it got worse and worse and I kept hiding and lying and-”

“Rey, stop it!” he scolded her and she felt compelled to look at him, though pouting. “I love you. We all do - Rose, Finn and I… Bee. We all love you. Don’t take that miscarriage as our child dying, but simply… waiting to be born later.”

Rey blinked confused.

“Look, I promise you that in five years, we will have not one, but two babies and Bee will also have new friends with whom our kids will play and… and the greenhouse will be full of juicy fruit and vegetables for your delicious meals.”

“Promise?” she got up and grabbed his shirt, almost making him fall over her. “And we’ll get Anna too?”

Ben narrowed his eyes.

“I love her, Ben-Ben. She’s is a mini-you and I want many mini-you’s.”

He knew that there was no point in arguing with her or denying her anything for the moment, so he just nodded passively and took off her pullover, then proceeded with unhooking her bra.

“Are you going to fuck me?” she whispered in his ear.

“I don’t _ fuck _drunk women,” he whispered back.

“But you’re sooo hot. Do you know I love you? Like I would _ die _for you.”

“Same, but you need to rest now.”

“Will you read me a story?”

He rolled his eyes.

“You _ need _to know stories if you wanna be a dad!”

Ben ignored her, covering her with the duvet.

“Are we going to make a baby tonight?”

“Mmmno. Goodnight, Rey!”

And with the lights off, it all went dark. When she woke up it was still dark and Ben was sleeping peacefully with his warm palm resting on her belly. She carefully snuck out of the bed, barely standing on her own. Her head felt like after one of her most intense flashbacks, except her mind was pretty much empty. All she knew was that she was thirsty and that there was a loud thumping noise making her consider letting go of the railing to fall and pass out.

“Yeah?” she opened the front door.

“Hey, sorry for waking you up at this hour.”

Rey blinked barely distinguishing the features of the person in front of her. She knew that voice, but everything was too blurry to make sense of it.

“You look horrible, Rey.”

“Yeah,” she uttered taking a step back.

“Tomorrow I have to be at work all day long, so I am gonna leave these things here. Sorry I can’t help you anymore.”

“Yeah… it’s ok.”

The person kept on talking and Rey nodded after each sentence despite to actually hearing anything. She then closed the door and took the bags in the kitchen. Stumbling over every piece of furniture, she grabbed a glass of water and sat at the table with her head rested on her arm. It was getting dark again.

“Excuse me, Tessa,” she followed the young woman and grabbed her by the wrist. “Do you have any idea what I’m supposed to do now? I haven’t been to such events on my own in a _ long _while. Do you want me to serve or leave or-”

“Oh, enjoy yourself!” Tessa patted her on the shoulder. “Drink some champagne, eat some sushi, eat your own sweets… It’s a private party. Just have fun!”

Enjoy herself? Have fun? She could surely do that. Or at least she could try… but without any alcohol, unless she wanted to sleep with a thick wall of bricks between her husband and her.

“Sweetheart?”

She opened her eyes still massaging her temples. She had woken up after falling asleep on the table, with the acknowledgement that Rose had dropped all the shopping bags and ingredients and left her to take care of the order on her own. And that was when she started panicking.

“Why are you awake?” she asked her husband. “Nightmares?”

He shook his head and joined her at the table. Rey cringed at the noise made by the chair being dragged on the floor, then let Ben take her hand and kiss the back of her palm.

“How are you feeling?” he asked her massaging her neck.

“Terrible,” she purred. “I just realised I fucked up big time.”

Ben snorted.

“How on earth did you manage to get _ that _drunk?”

Rey looked at him unsure of what had happened. She took her time to let the fog disappear, then she let out a grunt and hid her face behind her palms.

“I am sooo sorry!” she cried embarrassed. “I was so distressed yesterday and when I left the retirement home, I remembered some things and the next thing I know, I was at the store with a bottle of something. I have no idea how I got home.”

Ben stopped massaging her neck, instead squeezing her shoulder. 

“Please don’t do this again,” he said calmly, yet firmly. “Keep in mind that-”

“I know. I know,” she nodded. “Until we get a clue about why I went missing for three years, I should be more cautious.”

She chewed the inside of her cheek and looked at Ben’s sleepy face. She smirked, then leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

“Sorry.”

“For getting drunk and not remembering how you’ve got home or for asking me to fuck you and impregnate you?”

Rey hid her face once again and let an even louder groan.

“Ok,” he laughed. “I forgive you if you tell me what’s bothering you.”

Without looking at him, Rey pushed the tablet in his direction. Ben raised an eyebrow, then pressed his finger on the main button. Once unlocked, he looked at the photo of Rey prior to her disappearance and at the text written on it. She had sent it to her entire old inbox and apparently, someone had answered.

_ Dear Mrs Solo, _

_ Dahlia was more than ecstatic to learn about your return and you reopening your business. Dahlia’s Dream is about to officially launch online ( _ _ link _ _ ) and in our partner stores ( _ _ link _ _ ) its ballet-inspired collection on the 10th of February. A private banquet will be held on the 13th of February for Dahlia’s close friends. She would like you to provide the candy bar for this event. You will find more details in the document attached _ _ here _ _ . Please confirm and send your updated invoice details by tomorrow evening. _

_ Thank you, _

_ Tessa Kovacs _

“That’s… great, isn’t it?” he smiled excited and slightly proud of her initiative. 

“Yeaaah,” she rubbed her eyes and yawned. “Except… I have to make the delivery today and Rose bailed on me.”

She stood up and went to one of the bags, pulling out a sack of peaches and a pack of sugar.

“So I have all these ingredients, receipts I must sort of convert into an invoice, but no actual idea what to bake. I have a… you know how writers have that writer’s block? I have a baker’s block.”

Ben pursed his lips and joined her. He looked at the bags, then at the large box of peaches and the smaller one of raspberries.

“So… peaches and cream?”

“Yeah… And I obviously can’t go with our special brownies, nor with two hundred peach macarons, so I need something more. I have the ingredients for peach ice cream and maybe a frozen yoghurt with poached peaches and a brandied peach parfait. Even a peach and vanilla yoghurt smoothie, but they all are too similar. I need… diversity.”

Maybe her block wasn’t that much of a block.

“How about a cassata? You used to make a delicious chocolate and citrus cassata. Replace the citrus with peaches.”

She didn’t remember what a cassata was, so she pouted tapping her fingers on the table.

“Or a peach lattice pie with bourbon caramel… or a peach and cream gelatin dessert. I think you had a collection of silicone molds perfect for gelatin desserts.”

Rey watched him surprised how passionate he was about recipes.

“And I think we can also bake some mini peach mousse cakes with mirror glaze.”

_ We _?

“Actually, Dahlia likes surprises, so we can use the raspberries to make raspberry macarons and…” he continued looking in the bags. “She isn’t a big fan of apples unless it’s autumn, but we have enough mango for a white chocolate mango cheesecake and even passion fruit for a passion fruit chocolate entremet.”

He looked at her terrified face and his big smiled faded away.

“Or maybe we can make just some mini triple chocolate mousse cakes. Or pavlovas to tackle the ballet theme?” 

Rey shrugged completely lost.

“Or…” he sighed. “Or maybe we should just put some raspberries on the peach macarons and pretend they’re boobs.”

Rey couldn’t help herself and burst out laughing. Ben smiled too, making her lick her lips and look at him in complete fascination.

“How do you know all of these?”

“_ You _ know all of these. I was just your helper.”

“But I don’t remember any of these recipes, nor do I know how to have everything ready until this afternoon.”

She watched Ben ignore her laments and furrowed as he went to the pantry and returned with a large mixer under his arm and holding a bunch of bowls. Rey ran to him to help him before dropping anything on his foot and end up with more broken bones.

“Sorry, Ben Solo, but you are the biggest fucking idiot I know,” she let out a muffled laugh.

“Yeah, I agree,” he shrugged letting her kiss his neck. 

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Here I must disagree. Now let’s impress Dahlia.”

“My delicious muffin!”

Rey jumped and smiled awkwardly at the woman hugging her. She was wearing a peach kimono, beads in her braided hair and too many pearls and stones around her neck. She smelled like Dove soap instead of any expensive perfume and wore no makeup except for some blue eyeliner. She was Dahlia.

“Hello!” she hugged her back.

“Muffin, I am so glad to see you! My parties were not the same without your treats.”

“Thank you,” she blushed. “I am honoured to be here.”

Dahlia pushed her gently, then pulled her back in her arms.

“Why so polite and stiff, muffin? Here! Take a mimosa!”

Rey looked panicked at the glass and immediately put it back on the table.

“Oh, I don’t drink.”

“That’s sad. Are you baking a mini-muffin?”

Rey gasped but didn’t get to answer as Dahlia seemed to have swallowed up all the energy in the universe. 

“At least tell me you’ll accept my massage invitation.”

“Umm… I guess?”

“Amazing! Then see you in a few minutes and when you decide to leave, don’t forget to ask Tessa for your cheque and to grab a gift bag before you leave.”

***

“Mr Solo, I am asking you one more time. Are you sure the relationship between your wife and you was as perfect as you claim?”

Ben’s chin trembled. He had been at the police station for hours, his back was hurting and he was moments away from a meltdown. His beloved wife had been missing for weeks and no one was doing anything but invade their privacy and come up with ridiculous theories. 

“I’ve already told you that Rey and I were perfectly happy. The last time I saw her, she was smiling and laughing. We were supposed to meet and… we were… we were happy… we were…”

The police officer was clearly not believing him and he could feel his eyes filling up with tears. He closed them to keep the tears from making him look like a manipulative jerk trying to impress the authorities and opened them again later.

“Ben, I can’t do this,” said Rose biting her nails nervously. She was as much of a mess as he was. There was nothing left of the self-confident and cheerful nurse that had made his mother’s final years much better and tolerable. He couldn’t stand looking at her and seeing her that miserable, so he turned his head and looked at the obscene drawings and words written in graffiti on the cafe’s windows.

“Rose, I can’t have this cafe associated with my name anymore. Please do it for Rey. Buy it and take care of it as Rey would have.”

“But she _ will _be back!” slammed Rose her fist on the table.

“I believe it too, but until then, the cafe is dying. There are products and ingredients expiring and I already had to give back the money she got from our clients for orders she had already missed or most likely won’t be able to deliver anytime soon. I can’t afford to pay for ingredients when there are no orders and deliveries and I’m not making any money. I need to get a job to pay bills and detectives.”

Rose closed her eyes, bit her upper lip and nodded.

“Fine. We’ll keep it in the family. For Rey.”

“For Rey.”

“What about me?”

Ben gasped waking up with a stiff neck and slightly dizzy. In the bedroom, there was only the bedside lamp turned on, making the entire room seem more intimate than usual. He winced with an uncomfortable grimace and tried to get up a little. It was late and he had said he would only lay down a little, not sleep the entire evening. He rubbed his eyes and yawned before stretching his long legs.

“Ben?” he heard Rey call from the walk-in closet.

Oh, so it hadn’t been just his imagination!

“Are you already back, sweetheart?”

“Yeah! I’ve been back for maybe two hours already.”

Oh, shit! For long had he actually been asleep?

“How was it?”

“Umm… great actually.”

“You don’t seem too excited,” he chuckled grabbing his tablet to check his emails.

“No, I’m just still in shock. Everyone was so nice and they loved the sweets. I got a lot of business cards, I ate sushi, I drank lemonade and smoothies…”

Ben giggled and continued reading his emails. At that rate, he was beginning to see no point in even going to the office anymore after his supposed sick leave was over. After all, he was working more and actually much better from home. Not that he enjoyed his job, but it was better than nothing or working in a hotel again.

“...So yeah…” continued Rey not knowing that Ben hadn’t been listening for the past minutes. “By the way, I left the cheque I got from Dahlia on your desk. I didn’t know your bank account details, so I took a cheque.”

“It’s ok,” he yawned again. “We’ll go to the bank one of these days. We need to renew your card too.”

“Great! Oh, Ben?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?” he said on a sweet tone, though he was furrowing. Kaydel had found a very nice apartment in the city and it was… Was it necessary? Maybe Rey was very drunk the previous night, but she seemed very honest about having more pets and many kids, so no matter how comfortable that apartment was, it was too small and most definitely not for a big family.

“Do you want to see what I got from Dahlia?”

Ben blinked at the familiar question and looked at the closet. He held his breath as Rey stepped outside wearing white sheer lace thigh high pantyhose and a peach floral lace chemise. 

“Hey,” she smiled looking both angelic and devilishly sexy.

“Heeeey,” he said on the highest pitched tone and with a dumbfounded smile.

“So? What do you think?” she said spinning like a ballerina.

“I love it.”

Rey approached him gleaming with hope and love and sat on the bed, next to him. He was wearing no shirt and did not seem to have anything against her hand exploring the muscles of his abdomen or the scars on his chest. After all, his eyes were busy admiring the shape of her breasts as held by the silk and lace bra hidden under the sheer material of her chemise. He wanted to kiss them, taste them, bite them until her voice was nothing but a bunch of coos and moans. And her skin… oh, her beautiful skin! It was still wet here and there, after her bath, but it was also smelling like ylang ylang and lemon. And if his eyes were not seeing things, there was a tiny hint of glitter in the lotion she had used on her skin.

“You’re on my side of the bed,” she murmured pressing on his muscles.

“I know. While you were away, I sometimes slept here to feel your presence.”

There was no hint of hate or reproach in his voice. Just pure adoration and a reminder of how much he had missed her.

“I’m here now,” she bit her lip lifting her leg and sitting herself on his lower body. “And I want to take my rightful place.”

For a moment, Ben thought she was referring to her bedside, but as her curious hands worked their way up to his wide shoulders, he knew that there was nothing innocent about her remark. He nodded with a shy smirk and lifted his chin, Rey immediately leaning in and kissing him. 

“You can touch me,” she murmured between kisses. “Please.”

Ben smiled, finally putting his large palm on her waist, going up and down until finally resting on her hip. He stroked so hesitantly that it seemed more as if he was just checking whether she was a ghost or not. But Rey wouldn’t have him shy away or push her away again. The night in the bathtub was not exactly what she had desired, but it had been a huge step. Thus, she bit her lip and clumsily pulled down the straps of the chemise and the thin material of her bra. She heard Ben gasp, so she cupped his face and pulled him at her chest possessively. She was claiming him and demanding him to claim her back.

After a moment in which he seemed frozen and lost, Ben finally touched her breasts gently, rubbing her nipples before pressing his lips against them. He licked, sucked and nibbled, becoming painfully harder with each moan. Rey’s fingers dug into his shoulders and she lifted her hips seeking his hand. But once his hand stopped teasing her nipple, it did not slide between her legs like that night. Instead, he hastily pulled down his pants.

Rey licked her lips at its sight, then looked at Ben, who was barely breathing. He nodded and smiling, she rose on her knees, letting him guide her. Then, she lowered herself holding her breath, glad that the light was dim enough for him to not observe her burning cheeks. It was most definitely not the first time she was sheathing herself on him, but it was the first time in years her body was accepting him within her and it sure had missed every single inch.

Ben parted his lips, but she immediately covered his mouth with her fingers. She was afraid of anything he could say, be it dirty talk or sweet assurances, so she rose once more, feeling him slid partway, then repeated her previous steps, then moving against him. Ben’s hand was once again her hip, squeezing, but letting her decide the pace. Maybe sex was a little overrated, but the feeling in her chest blending with the one growing in her womb was something special… unique.

“Ow!” she chuckled as Ben playfully bit her finger and she lowered abruptly, the movement sending a new wave of pleasure through her body. She leaned in, seeking him once again, and kissed him, bit him, licked him as his hand worked up her back, scratching her skin and making her feel tiny waves of pleasure even in corners of her body she didn’t know could feel like that. Once she felt him become tenser, he took his hand off her back, licked his thumb, then put his palm on her belly, his finger rubbing and stroking that perfect spot.

“Look at me,” she last heard him say before her mind went blank and felt her body fall on his.

***

Rey smiled feeling satisfied even hours after she had initially passed out. Ben was still sleeping on her side of the bed and had it not been for his broken arm, she would have remained on top of him for the rest of the night. However, unable to sleep due to all that excitement and the pride she was feeling after that long-awaited perfect day, she was now sitting on his side of the bed, looking at photos of them and thoroughly admiring her scrapbook. 

The last page of the scrapbook had a couple of photos of cakes for baby showers. Two with cakes for girls, two for boys and one of some cookies for a gender reveal party. They all looked so nice and delicate. It must have taken a lot of work to make those sugar paste decorations. The tiny elephants, bunnies, teddy bears, unicorns, clouds and golden stars. Her sweets and pastries had always been delicious, but that detailed and aesthetically pleasing? No wonder people were adoring her stuff and she was so successful. And those names… she had written in yellow, teal and peach a couple of names - June, Lilliana, Penelope, Theo and Ben. 

_ Oh Ben _, she smiled and looked again at her husband sleeping peacefully. She could sense that box of hidden feelings opening up more and more revealing her adoration for that man. She was so madly in love with him and he loved her too, that grumpy puppy.

She bent over to kiss him on the cheek, then returned to her scrapbook. She had also drawn a different cupcake on each photo. Perhaps to remind her to try the cupcake version of each cake. It would have been indeed less demanding in terms of composition and feeling, but she would have had to spend more time on decorating by making more than just one elephant or one unicorn. Perhaps that’s why she wrote those plus signs on each photo as well. To be reminded that it took more work to make the cupcake version or that perhaps it was more practical and easier to charge. Or perhaps…

She saw the shape of the man handing her a business card. She looked at the card and saw a number written by hand. 004-...

_ Look, my husband mustn’t know about this. Ok? It will be our little secret. _

The same hand handing her the phone number was now holding her hand and brushing his thumb against her skin.

_ Just you and I _ , she heard him chuckle. _ Our secret. _

Then the blurry image of their hands turned into a mirror and her looking at her own image, at her own belly. She felt a tear run down her cheek and she covered her mouth in a surprise that soon turned into terror as she heard her voice scream at her mirror image.

_ I don’t want it to be born _ . _ I don’t want it! _

Rey gasped and the tormenting feeling of dread swallowing her forced her to look at Ben. Whatever she was doing in that flashback, it was no good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to 'Attention' by Wyatt (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-GdlZBaQTM).


	20. This is us

“Are you ok?”

Ben had woken up feeling not only satisfied but truly happy for the first time in years. It was not necessarily the fact that they had finally made love, though that made him feel incredible and he was barely keeping himself from smiling like an idiot, but the simple fact that  _ she  _ was happy. She was happy with her work and their life, which meant that she would no longer have a reason to leave or run away. And he would no longer live in fear or have nightmares. They would go back to their old life as the perfect couple.

Smiling, he touched the rumpled sheet and exhaled relaxed. Without any crippling fears to torture him, he got out of the bed and went to the guest bathroom after finding the main one locked with the water running. He would have normally panicked, worrying about her safety, but instead, he brushed it off and minded his business, though impatiently waiting to see his wife. But now that she was in front of him, she didn’t seem to share his excitement. 

Rey looked at him, visibly ashamed, making her husband’s gaze soften in awe. He approached her unsure of her reaction, analysing her body language. So pure and innocent, shying away just like after their first date. He smiled at her, but instead of any sign of affection or having her run to him and cuddle at his chest, she just stood there, frozen, until her body began shaking uncontrollably and she fell to her knees. Ben ran to her and kneeled as well, hugging her frail body.

“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I’m so sorry.”

Ben caressed her head completely confused.

“Don’t cry,” he kissed her forehead. “It’s ok. It’s ok, my love.”

But Rey began crying even harder. When she finally seemed to have run out of energy, his sweater was already wet, soaked in tears. Rey sniffed and looked at Ben’s worried face, making him feel even more conflicted. He wanted to laugh at her tomato-red face, swollen lips and puffy eyes, but also scold her. He eventually chose a neutral tone.

“I knew that it was too early.”

“What… wh-what do you me-mean?” asked Rey sniffing and wiping her face.

“Aren’t you crying because we…”

Rey shook her head still avoiding his gaze.

“It was good.”

_ It was perfect. _

“Then what’s wrong, my sweet love?”

She tried smiling at his kind words, but with guilt pressing on her chest, she only felt the urge to cry again. After all, their relationship so far had been nothing but a step forward and two back and right now she knew she was stuck in a step back. She whimpered and put her arms around his chest, hugging him and trying her best not to hurt his broken arm.

“I don’t know who I am,” she murmured.

“It’s ok. Your memories will come back.”

She shook her head pulling him closer and tighter.

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to remember anything else. I’m fine like this. I’m fine with my childhood memories and the little I know about us. I’m happy to know that we love each other and that we can be a family.”

Ben felt torn apart. Her words were not necessarily a love confession, but a desperate one. She was afraid, seeking comfort and reassurance. It was not what he wanted from her after their clumsy first night of love, especially not after years of absence, longing and pain. But things were never going to go according to his plans and wishes. They never had. The only thing he could do was to make things easier for her. Protect her. Love her. Just like she had always done for him.

He brushed his nose against her forehead and inhaled her scent. Coconut skin and almond and milk hair. He put his arm around her waist and helped her get up and sit on the bench before rested his head on her knees and let her play with his wavy locks.

“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered. “But  _ please  _ don’t leave me.” 

Her plead felt like thousands of knives and it reminded him so well of his own pleads.

When no one believed him that he was not involved in her disappearance.

When no one believed him that she was not a cheater and a liar.

When no one believed him that she was still alive and would return.

Ben looked at her naked thighs, knowing that she was not wearing anything under the large T-shirt. He got up on his knees and pulled her to the edge of the bench and gently parted her thighs.

“Ben!” she cried pulling down her T-shirt, trying to cover herself. But Ben ignored her shy protests, instead placing his palm on her belly and pushing her to lean backwards. Once she grabbed the margins of the bench to keep herself from completely falling on her back, she capitulated. He spread her legs even more, revealing her naked lower body, and looked at her with a fierce gaze as Rey gulped. Her face was still red and Ben was starting to guess why his pretty little wife was often red just out of the blue. Unlike her former self, she was a shy little one. He smirked and leaned in, kissing the skin under her belly.

“Ben,” she gasped. “Please, I…”

“Last night you were begging me for more.”

She found herself chuckling at the ticklish sensation.

“I know, but this… it’s weird and embarrassing and… I don’t want you to look there.”

“Last night you didn't seem to mind,” he insisted.

“Yeah, but I was not completely naked and it was quite dark,” she defended herself all flustered.

“Oh, trust me,” he chuckled. “You’ll like it.”

His voice was the perfect mixture of soothing and seductive. Rey nodded giving him her approval, then closed her eyes. The excitement in her chest reminded her that it was not the first time they were doing such a thing. And if she were to consider some of her previous dirty thoughts and memories, yeah… it used to be one of their favourite and most enjoyable activities. She bit her lower lip and eventually let her entire body lay on the bench, also spreading her legs wider, though tensing at the chilly touch of his breath. 

“Will it hurt?” she asked more to distract him as she was well-aware that she would like it. Otherwise, her body wouldn’t have felt that nice and she wouldn’t have felt all those butterflies in her stomach. Ben just gave her a mischievous smile and she closed her eyes before he flicked his tongue over her flesh.

“Ben,” she moaned once she finally felt swollen and overwhelmed. She had lost track of time with all that licking and sucking. “Can this bench hold us both?”

“It had many times.”

Rey spotted him from under her heavy eyelids despite her blurry vision. He had stopped at the right time and was now licking his wet lips and fingers. She sucked in a deep breath and, before her guilt could swallow her, she let herself fall to her knees, on the floor. Ben’s pants were already unbuttoned and pulled down enough for her to just push him gently and climb on top of him. She lifted onto her knees and clumsily wrapped her fingers around him, whimpering once feeling a drop of his seed touching her fingers, then looked at him for help. In just a second, his hand covered hers and they positioned him, allowing her to lower herself onto him.

“If I might say this, Mrs Solo, I think you’re quite enjoying this.”

“I think I do,” she leaned in for a kiss, knowing perfectly that she would taste herself on his lips while sliding down his entire length. The kiss helped her hide a breathless cry as she began rocking her hips. Unfortunately, it did nothing for the resurfacing images of that other man touching her and hugging her.

“I promise I’ll get better at this,” she joked minutes later with a forced smile once Ben stroke her nape with a final thrust before he finally came. He breathed heavily and pressed his lips on her forehead. She had barely enjoyed her own orgasm and once it happened, she pretty much lost any sense of herself, each movement being a complete failure that she ended up letting Ben take control and use her body with her permission. 

“It’s fine,” he looked at her with nothing but love in his eyes… love she did not deserve. “Rey?” 

Covering her face, she got off him, then pulled her knees to her chest, hugging them as she buried her face in shame. Feeling utterly powerless and lost, Ben clenched his jaw watching her weep. 

***

“I can’t do this!” she cried holding the toy elephant. “I can’t live without my baby!”

“It’s fine, dearie.”

Rey wiped her snot on her sleeve, completely ignoring that she was no longer a child and that she was in the house of a stranger. Ben and she had just recently moved in that town, but she already had a couple of customers asking her to deliver them her goodies daily. However, it was not very professional of her to weep in front of her newest and richest client.

“I’m so sorry,” she murmured. “It’s still so recent and the toy was in my bag and I-”

“I said it’s fine, dearie,” stressed Phasma each word as she stroked Rey’s knee. “How about I pour you some more tea and you keep talking? I can see you are in need of a friend.”

Rey nodded and took a paper napkin off the table. She had friends… her brother and Rose and Ben, of course, but sometimes you needed  _ new  _ friends. People who didn’t know you that well and who could be more objective and unbiased.

“It’s ridiculous. I was so fine after it happened, but I’ve kept overthinking things. It was a mere tadpole and I didn’t even know I was pregnant. There are women who make plans, decorate nurseries, buy clothes and toys, pick names, and their babies are stillborn, die at birth or soon after. It’s just… ridiculous! I am being silly.”

“A woman is never silly when it comes to her pain and experiences.”

Rey looked at her with big eyes, not sure what to say. She was an iron lady, but no one could deny her intelligence or emotional intensity.

“I’ve kept thinking whether it was going to be a boy or a girl. My husband and I have some money, but we’re currently investing it all in our house and in the cafe I want to open. I can’t imagine how a baby would have… fitted in our current lives, but I would have loved it anyway. My husband has the deepest eyes and such gorgeous hair. I keep imagining our dead baby as a toddler with his dark eyes and his curls. Ben would have been completely smitten by him. He is very talented and has done some amazing work with the furniture and decorations, so I am sure he would have built entire train sets for the baby. And I’ve never told anyone, but I am quite good at making dolls, so maybe I would have taken out Auntie Maz’s old sewing set and would have made him all sorts of plushies… an entire family for this elephant.”

She stopped to breathe and take a sip out of the lemon tea.

“Do you have a name for the baby?”

Rey’s blinked slightly lost in her thoughts. She had many names for any of her future children, but that was not what she cared about right now.

“I grew up in misery,” she sniffed. “I’ve always been so hungry and desperate. Hungry for food and affection and desperate to have something to call mine. When I first met Ben, it felt as if fate wanted us together. But of course, I was just a child and he was ready to leave for college. Oh, I cried so much… I kept imagining scenarios. He would come back and he would fall in love with me or ask me to teach him how to bake or…” she exhaled letting out a loud whimper. “And it never happened. I spent an entire week crying and mourning the death of my love for him and when I thought I had forgotten about him, my brother’s friend saw him on the street and invited him to sit at our table. And you know… he remembered me. And I fell in love and he fell in love with me. He offered me a home when I ended up losing my second one. All I had to do was to take care and make sure that our chance at a family of our own was going to come true. But I was reckless and I killed our baby and now…”

She looked at her client, whose posture was similar to the one of a statue.

“What are you exactly afraid of, dearie?” she asked taking a bite out of a rum ball. 

Rey sniffed again and pursed her lips.

“What if he gets tired of me and leaves me and I end up all alone?”

“Then, dearie,” said Phasma leaning in rather menacing. “I guess we better make sure it doesn’t happen.”

Rey licked her lips nervously. Make sure that Ben wouldn’t get tired and leave her or make sure she wouldn’t end up all alone?

***

The lake was as frozen and grim as the day she had returned from the dead. She could now perfectly remember opening her eyes and trying to get up, but barely being able to flinch. Her body was hurting, but at the same time, it was slowly becoming paralysed. She looked at her arm hanging over the edge of the dock and at the icy surface of the lake. Was she going to die there? All alone? It made sense… after all, she’d been all alone her entire life. It was her curse.

“I’m cursed…”

She rested her head on the tree behind her without looking at her husband. She couldn’t look at him. Especially knowing what she had done to them. No matter how much she’d struggled to try to find a reason, scribbling in her diary all sorts of theories, her mind could still not accept her… it wasn’t even a mistake. It was stupidity and cruelty. The same woman who cried her heart out for a tadpole ended up rejecting another child. What did she even do? Did she abort it or did she give it up? And why? Was it someone else’s? Was it Ben’s and she no longer wanted to have a family with him? Was, after all, everyone right about her? About her disappearance?

“Could you ever forgive me?”

She heard Ben’s footsteps crushing the hard snow under his feet and beneath her almost closed eyelids, she saw him approaching her. However, he did not come any closer and just stopped, turned to face the lake once more, then sat down on a tree stump.

“Yes.”

She snorted, feeling the dry tears on her skin crack like a clay mask, and finally looked at him. He was staring at his shoes and had almost his entire face hidden under his hood.

“You don’t even know why I’m asking you for forgiveness.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“So regardless of any of my past mistakes…”

“You said you are satisfied with your life as it is. I respect your decision.”

“But what if you find out I did something terrible?” she insisted and Ben finally lifted his gaze.

“Do you have  _ anything  _ to tell me?”

She gulped and closed her eyes.

“No.”

She was sure he could see through her lies, but she was most certainly not willing to put the rope around her own neck. If she had once managed to bury her sorrow, she could do it again. A small price to pay for their happiness.

“Sorry,” he murmured pulling his phone out of the pocket. “Yes, Rose.”

Rey watched him closely as he nervously chewed on his own lip for a while. He eventually furrowed and closed his eyes letting out a miserable sigh. Suddenly panicking, Rey leaned in and waited for him to hang up.

“What’s wrong?”

“Umm…” he hesitated, licking his lips. “It was Rose.”

“Yeah, I heard. What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Phasma.”

“What’s with her?” she raised her voice feeling the panic quickly turn into anger.

“She reported the situation of the orphanage to the authorities from the big city. They… they took away the children this morning.”

Rey knew her spirit was stronger than this, but she still felt something inside her break. 

“But their families? I think some of them still have families here. The boys and their gran-”

“It didn’t matter. Phasma was able to provide enough evidence that they are not living in a proper environment and they were taken to the kids centre until they will be further taken by foster families.”

Rey took a deep breath to calm her nerves and keep the tears from flooding her face.

“It’s my fault. I defied her and she did this to punish me.”

“Maybe,” he murmured. “But maybe it’s better.”

“How can you say this?” she lashed at him getting up and heading towards the lake. “Everyone has tried so hard to keep the kids and the elders warm and safe!”

“I know, sweetheart, but it’s still not ok to have the kids crammed up in a bedroom in a retirement home because the orphanage is in ruins, nor is it ok for them to risk starvation or freezing to death. They all ended up being ok just because Rose asked us and I asked Luke to get more help, but it wasn’t our responsibility.”

“If it wasn’t ours, then whose was it?” she cried frustrated. “Before Maz took me, the other kids and I used to-”

“That was twenty years ago, Rey,” he stood up and went to her. “No one can decide for them but the authorities. We can’t keep them in a nineteenth-century cage just because we grew attached to them.”

“I… but I wanted to be a volunteer there and help them like Maz helped  _ us _ .”

Ben put his hand on his shoulder, encouraging her to finally face him and reveal her pained face. She wiped her tears and cleared her throat, trying to appear brave.

“You said that they will be taken by foster families. What about Anna?”

“What about her?” he shook his head feeling that the discussion would further sink her spirit in a pool of despair. 

“She is an orphan like us, Ben!” she grabbed his hand with desperation. “We might be her best chance at having a loving family! She already likes us and she is only a little girl! Why m-”

“Rey!” he said on a firm tone. “We can’t.”

Her eyes filled with tears and she clenched her jaw.

“But you said it yourself! You want us to adopt and have a family! Why do you want to keep her in the system if you like her as much as I do?”

Ben cupped her face, forcing her to look at him.

“I know what I said and I meant every single word, but… I was not considering all the facts. Sweetheart, I’m on sick leave and you, despite your work at the cafe, are legally unemployed. I was accused of killing you and you were gone for three years and you currently still suffer from amnesia. No one would ever give us a child… or at least not right now.”

Rey let out a miserable cry. She had listened to each word and could now see the facts clearly, regardless of how cruel they were. Indeed, she was a mess, but only as long as she was still willing to be one. Maybe it was time to make a huge change, even if that change was not the most correct for any of them. 

***

Sometimes being a hermit was so much better than experiencing the complicated turmoils of marriage. No matter how charming certain advantages of married life had always seemed, with each year spent all alone, he eventually became immune to ridiculous dreams and any cravings for affection. That’s why he could never understand his father’s distress, his sister’s struggles or his nephew’s overall nightmarish life. However, he could still sympathize with the idea of loss, loneliness and abandonment, though not at a romantic level. Sometimes it was not enough, as he had learnt those past years, as his nephew only seemed to hate him each time he failed to show any sign of empathy towards his situation. He couldn’t lie that he indeed cared about his broken heart, but he did care about justice and order, but especially duty. It was his duty to protect the boy and to help him find his charming wife. Yet, there was a fine line between protecting someone to fulfil a promise and to bring justice and order and protecting someone to spare them misery.

“...I can’t remember that, but I know for sure that I was bleeding. My nose was bleeding and I couldn’t breathe. I wiped the blood with my red scarf, the one my brother gave to me, then I opened the car window for air and that’s when the wind took my scarf and it must have got stuck in that tree.”

“So you passed by the lake, but never stopped there.”

“Yes. I am sure of this.”

“Do you believe her?”

Luke turned to his nephew, using his crutches clumsily - he hated those things and pointed with his chin at the young Mrs Solo. She was quite calm, though he could see that she was struggling really hard to keep herself from playing with her hair or biting her lip nervously. She was putting on an act and even those who didn’t know her could see through if they chose to.

“She doesn’t even know what lies to say because she doesn’t know all the details,” chuckled the old man. “So… do you believe her?”

“Yes.”

Ben looked at him with his ancient dark eyes filled with apathy. He knew his uncle was expecting an explanation, so he cleared his throat and lifted his chin proudly.

“I believe her.”

Luke snorted causing Ben to furrow.

“Ever since we had the accident, I’ve been seeing things so much more clearly. I’ve analysed every test result and x-ray. I’ve reached a point in which I waste entire nights giving phone calls, emailing people and researching. It’s not my job to this, but I do it for you, kid. And now you’re telling me that you’re fine with that poor excuse of hers? That she had a car accident and that the one who hit her must have taken her? Ben, there was no blood or proof of someone having been hit by a car. She was in no hospital in this county… or at least not in those first months we searched for her in hospitals.”

Ben narrowed his eyes and approached his uncle looking rather menacing.

“What do you mean?”

Luke shrugged.

“I thought you didn’t care anymore.”

“Fine,” he whispered.

“Ben, you begged me…  _ demanded  _ me…”

“I said  _ fine _ ! I don’t believe her!” he yelled looking at the files spread all over the desk. He looked at the CT scans and skimmed over the doctor’s notes and observations.

“We’ve been looking for the wrong clues.”

Ben whimpered becoming more aware of his own suspicions.

“That scar is not from an accident, Ben. And there are probably other things that both of you must have noticed by now.”

“I was trying to get back home,” he heard her tell the policeman.

Of course. If he were to make a list of all of the theories he had been trying to ignore for the past month, he would have an entire tome. And suddenly, he could not escape her words from five years ago.

_ Then I will leave for three years. One to get used to being far away from home. One to do whatever the hell I want. One to get used to the idea of coming back home. Then I’ll leave again. If after six months I am not happy with myself and everything and feel out of place, then I will leave once more and this time for forever. _

But how did her plan include that surgery and the… He shook his head and looked at his uncle in the eyes.

“I  _ choose  _ to believe her, Luke. Even if this is the price I must pay for happiness and tranquillity, I choose to pretend that these past three years have been nothing but a bad dream.”

“Then all was in vain,” deflated the old man completely disappointed.

“Mmmno.”

Luke stared at his nephew. He hadn’t heard him use that tone since he was a child. 

“Keep investigating. Right now, I don’t want to know anything, but in six months, I might. So you have my permission to keep digging.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to 'Human' by Aquilo (https://youtu.be/50fBVpjz8qI)


	21. I don’t wanna hurt you but...

“So, Rey, it’s been almost two months since you first came to see me. Looking back to that first meeting, how much would you say your life has changed so far?”

Rey smirked touching her front teeth with the tip of her tongue. She had prepared herself for that moment the entire week, knowing that her therapist would ask her about everything. Ever since she had selfishly decided to bury her past, her life had been so much better and she had no regrets so far. Maybe it was not the healthiest coping mechanism to lie to herself and ignore her feelings and past, but she needed that peace and tranquillity to survive, especially with her memory still scattered like some puzzle pieces. And it sure had been like that. The adorable dates with Ben, the passionate nights… and mornings and afternoons and evenings, her career… Everything was  _ so  _ much better.

“Great,” she smiled proudly at her therapist. “I  _ am  _ happy.”

Her therapist nodded and proceeded to unfold a piece of paper. Rey recognized it immediately as a page of her diary. The one on which she had noted down all the things bothering her.

“So let’s see… your insecurities regarding your career. You wrote here that you were disappointed that you lost your career as a baker, but also afraid to go back to the fame you had before.”

Rey looked at the lilac curls of her therapist and her mind flew away for a moment, in a land of unicorn themed cupcakes and cotton candy. She coughed to hide her giggling.

“Well… the cafe is doing great. It’s not exactly what I wanted, but it is no longer mine, so I usually have to decide things together with Rose. My brother has tried to get it back for me, but I am not sure I could manage it on my own. So I can say that I am cool with it. I love baking and cooking there and it makes me feel… good.  _ However _ , the true challenges are the orders I get from the bigger clients. That email I sent was the best reckless things I could have ever done in my life. Of course, Kaydel’s party came with enough orders from spoiled rich brats, but Dahlia’s… I was so terrified when I saw all those emails and orders. People were asking me for dishes and desserts I had never even heard of but apparently cooked before. I would have shot myself in the foot had it not been for Ben. Cooking together with him has been such an intimate and satisfying experience. So even though I can’t say that in only two months my career has returned to what I had before my disappearance, it is more than enough. I am on the right path.”

The therapist scribbled something in her notebook then once again looked at the list.

“You mentioned your brother. When you first came here, you were still upset and not sure if you could ever forgive him. Have things changed?”

Rey raised an eyebrow pondering the question, then snorted.

“Oh, Finn...”

She licked her lips and stared at the painting on the wall. The poppies were painted in an annoying shade of red and the painting itself was a bit crooked.

“We sorted things out, I guess. I invited him to celebrate Easter together and he didn’t say no but didn’t accept either, although he said he wanted to film one of his cooking videos with me as a guest star. He has been trying to erase all the resentment and bribe me into forgiving him by attempting to get me back my business and promote me on his website and channel, but… ugh…” she shrugged tensed. “I miss  _ my  _ brother. I am not comfortable with this celebrity chef persona of his. Lying under a tree and telling stories while drinking lemonade and eating juicy apples and laughing like when we were kids is a better way of rekindling our relationship. But there’s still hope. The winter has been long and we’ve barely had a day of spring, but once the weather gets warmer and until the apple harvest, there is still time for him to come and face me. I don’t know if it makes any sense what I’m saying right now… Perhaps I am still relying too much on nostalgia.”

“But the problem _ isn’t _ the fact that Finn supported the theory that you had left with another man, isn’t it?” the woman asked on a neutral tone, without looking at her.

Rey nervously shifted from side to side.

“Isn’t it, Rey?” she insisted and Rey rolled her eyes shaking her head in defeat.

“No, because as long as it is a strong chance that I actually did that, I can’t really hate him for perpetuating that rumour, even though, in my opinion, kept the police from looking for me more responsibly. I do resent him for the pain Ben felt, but, again, I can’t really hate him in case he was right.”

“And this brings us to another of your worries. Your memory. These past two months, you’ve decided to bury your past to get rid of your guilt, but it mustn’t have been too easy.”

Rey nodded staring once again at the crooked painting.

“Sometimes I feel as if all of my important memories have returned. As if  _ I  _ am back entirely. However… nothing about those three years or whatever had happened before I went missing. And the rest is still quite a confusing mess.”

She shrugged calmly.

“Perhaps it’s the medication or my refusal to acknowledge anything from back then.”

“So have you never again thought about this other point on your list? Your baby?”

Rey pursed her lips and shifted her gaze on her therapist’s suede stilettos. Their colour was more saturated than the one of their owner’s hair. Focusing on a tiny scratch on the heel of the left shoe, Rey spoke again.

“I said I wouldn’t waste any more time mourning dead fetuses or past mistakes.”

“Or missed adoption opportunities.”

Rey closed her eyes and nodded visibly distressed.

“Or… missed adoption opportunities…” 

She looked down at her index finger. The coral pink nail polish was slightly smudged and starting to peel off. 

“I am not happy about not being able to adopt Anna, but at least I hope a good family is now taking care of her. It was selfish of me to hope that she would replace my dead tadpole or make me feel less guilty about whatever happened to that second baby I don’t even remember.”

She bit her lip remembering those dark eyes and the curls. She had gazed into similar eyes and had touched similar curls that exact morning, when her husband and she served their coffee in the living room, only ending up kissing and making love on the couch.

“I… the first time we made love, I was the one in charge and, of course, I forgot about a tiny detail called protection. Then the second time, it was something very… desperate and none of us thought about it. But ever since, every single time we make love, none of us mentions protection. I haven’t asked Ben, but considering that he hasn’t bought any condoms or asked me to take any pills, I guess we have a gentleman’s agreement. Although we’re not trying to have a baby, we don’t try to not have one. So we’re just waiting for it to happen.”

“And?” her therapist lifted her gaze and looked at her without any trace of emotion on her face. “Has it happened?”

Rey sighed crossing her arms at her chest.

“Nothing so far. Each test came out negative. But it’s only been two months,” she smiled trying to appear brave. “I am trying not to get stressed and scare away any swimmers,” she laughed.

“Good. So…” she looked once again at the list. “So it appears that your worries regarding your marriage are mostly gone.” 

Rey caught a quick breath as she smiled like a cat with a full belly. She could still hear his moans and the music their bodies made together. She could still hear his laugh from when they walked together, holding hands and acting like a couple of teenagers experiencing first love and being drunk on it.

“I  _ love  _ him. Thankfully, we’ve stopped arguing. No more ‘one step forward and two steps back’. Now that he’s working fewer hours and mostly from home, he has enough free time to help me and, as I previously said, it’s quite intimate. He enjoys it and it’s a way to spend more time together even when working. I hope that we’ll get back to the point where we can once again support our family solely from baking. I know he hasn’t quitted his job yet just to make sure that we’re no longer risking losing our house or that in case… I disappear again…”

She whimpered but immediately bit her tongue. 

_ Let the past die. _

“You’re still unsure of his honesty and trust in you.”

It wasn’t a question.

Rey scratched the back of her head, cringing at the touch of that damned scar.

“I can’t blame him.  _ I  _ don’t trust myself. But the fact that we are both so desperate to make this marriage work and let old things die… Ben and I understand each other. As I said, sometimes we don’t need to say things out loud to make choices together. If we both are fine with turning a blind eye for the sake of our happiness, then I won’t complain.”

The older woman crossed her legs and shook her head with a disapproving smile.

“But that’s not progress and you know it.”

Rey sighed again and bit her nail.

“Well… I’ve told you how things were like when I came back. With my memory coming back slowly, but still coming back, I believe that we can…”

“Can what?” the woman insisted once Rey stopped, unsure what to say.

“We can get over my mistakes once the truth comes out.”

The therapist lifted her chin, proud of her patient. 

“And this is your  _ actual  _ biggest fear. You could own your mistakes and cope with any issues between you and your husband, but you know that you risk losing him anyway. You are afraid of being all alone again and feel the same desperation you felt when your auntie died and when your parents died. And your need for a child doesn’t come from guilt or a ticking clock awakening your maternal instincts… Rey. You hope to keep Ben by your side when the truth comes out and even if it doesn’t work, your child would be your family, one that would not leave you for many years. You are completely entitled to feel selfish, Rey. It is normal to put yourself first regardless of what any religious dogma preaches. It’s an instinct backed up by the basic need of being nurtured and surrounded by people you grow attached to.”

Rey sniffed and wiped another black tear, knowing perfectly that her make up was probably already a smudgy mess. Good thing that she had her presentation right before going to therapy.

“It doesn’t make me feel better about myself,” she murmured taking a paper napkin from the wooden box.

“That’s because, despite your memory returning in small chunks, you still can’t identify with your past self. You blame the Rey you can’t remember for everything that currently keeps you from truly enjoying yourself. She did all those things - the cheating, the mysterious pregnancy, the removed tattoo, the losing the personalised heirloom rings, the missing years, everyone’s pain and trouble, especially Ben’s… She did all of those things and you hate her for it, but she’s you and, in the end, you hate yourself.”

She put down her notebook and pen and showed her the diary page with one last point circled in red.

“The you before the disappearance and you now. What’s the progress?”

Rey looked down at her own sangria red stilettos and cotton plaid dress. Her hair was shorter, not exactly the short bob she got in the weeks before her disappearance, but shoulder-length and more classy and less childish. She was more confident in her sexuality and body and had slowly learned how to embrace other styles. She laughed more, she enjoyed life more and could see the same self-assurance she had as a carefree teenager, but through more mature eyes. However, she was not the playful young and innocent Rey, nor the wicked confident and arrogant Rey in her early 20s. She was the perfect mixture of the both and with a touch of something else - experience.

“The irony of the situation? I quite like myself a little bit better. I realised that I wasn’t really a wicked witch or at least… not up to a certain point. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so keen on burying any unpleasant memories. So… you’re right about everything. I dread losing Ben and my need for a child has always been about being less lonely. I guess I am stuck in a circle, but I don’t really mind it. Am I selfish? Most likely. Do I mind it? No.”

***

Rey buttoned down her coat and watched her steps. Maybe the snow was almost entirely molten, but while it saved her from slipping and falling, she and everyone else still risked drowning in a pool of cold water at each step. And she didn’t want to ruin her gorgeous shoes after all. Not when she began growing fond of her closet. Surprisingly, no matter how much she had tried to erase parts of herself, the moment she spent an entire afternoon inside her walk-in closet, she realised that all those clothes were still quite representative for her style. If she wanted to be more than just a girl baking cookies at home and delivering them for a few coins, then she needed to be more presentable. And it was working.

She checked the business cards inside her purse. She had only a few left of her own, but plenty of others she got from potential new clients… and among them, a toy elephant. She squeezed the plushie, remembering once again little Anna and her sweet kisses. Maybe she could check the kids centre and see if she had indeed been taken by a foster family or maybe even adopted, or if she was still there. Maybe they could let her visit her and… give her that plushie in exchange for her baby’s elephant.

She shook her head.

_ Who on earth gifts a toy to a child and then demands it back? _

She had promised herself to move on.

Licking her lips, she unzipped a pocket to grab her keys, but only found a couple of pads. The last time she used that bag was weeks ago, but… She narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. Perhaps two weeks late? Her heart skipped a beat and she turned to look around. As if hypnotized, she ran inside the closest pharmacy.

_ Maybe this is it _ , she smiled joyfully moments later and lift her head still holding the pregnancy test like a fragile meringue cake. But her eyes were no longer looking at the box. After all, across the street, in a cafe, Kaydel and Ben were eating and laughing.

She exhaled relaxed. After those months in which the two of them became quite close, though she wouldn’t call their relationship a friendship yet, she could no longer be jealous of her. Therefore, seeing them together was not the problem. The problem was the fact that Ben was now looking at her. She waved at him rather shyly, not wanting to disturb their lunch, but he did not flinch, his gaze instead lowering on the box she was holding.

***

“Hey, my little honey bee!” she hugged her meowing kitten after throwing her keys in the glass bowl on the table. Bee had visibly grown in those past two months, but she was still skinny and mischievous. And her legs and tail were still incredibly long and funny looking.

“Have you eaten anything good today?” she kissed her head. “Where’s your daddy?”

The kitten meowed and jumped on the floor, running into the kitchen with Rey behind her.

“I swear she is smarter than any dog I’ve met and I am not saying this just because she’s my cat,” she laughed kissing Ben on the cheek. She licked her lips and bit her bottom one admiring his arms in that black tank top, then she looked at the steak and mushroom pie and the bottle of pinot noir.

“You did this?”

“Anything for my biggest love.”

“Aww, you’re the best,” she squealed as he kissed her fingers. “How did you even get here before me? Did Kaydel drive you on a secret route I should know about?”

“What do you mean?” he snorted looking for a bottle opener inside the drawer.

“Come on,” she rolled her eyes. “I saw you with Kaydel today and you looked straight at me. Your eyesight can’t be that bad.” 

Ben shrugged with a confused smile and grabbed the bottle.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve left the house only to get a bottle of wine and take Bee to the vet for her last shot.”

“But I…” she narrowed her eyes. Maybe she was the one whose eyesight was worsening. “So then you don’t know.”

“Know what?”

Rey inhaled nervously. The test was still in her purse and she was not ready to take it, knowing perfectly that another negative result would cause a meltdown, especially following her latest therapy session. Though, maybe she shouldn’t drink… just in case.

“Can we not drink alcohol tonight?” she put her hand on his and she could tell that he was already being suspicious of her. “I’ve had a really tough day and I don’t want to end up drinking the entire bottle and have you reject me for being drunk.”

Ben laughed at her playful smirk. He seemed more convinced now, so she just took off her coat and sat at the table.

“I think I should go upstairs and change my clothes,” mumbled Ben looking at his tank top covered in flour. Compared to Rey’s fancy dress, he looked disgusting and more like a construction worker than a guy who cooked for his wife.

“Or you could just take it off and let my eyes feed on something even more delicious.”

Ben shook his head and Rey could swear that those rosy cheeks had nothing to do with the temperature inside the kitchen or the cooking. She couldn’t wait to pepper him with hot small kisses… after her rumbling stomach would be filled with food.

“I’m starving. I’ve been too nervous to even try some of my own samples, let alone try others’.”

“How was the presentation?” he asked serving her a generous slice of pie.

“Great!” she smiled proudly. “I think we might have a really busy year.”

“I hope so,” he added sitting at the table and Rey smirked at the lewd undertones. 

“Well… at least this month will be a successful nightmare. I have already over a hundred pie orders for Easter, not to mention all the other orders. Rose was hoping to keep the cafe open before Easter, but I am not sure I can bake everything on my own and then also make products for the cafe.”

She stopped and closed her eyes letting out a satisfied moan.

“Heavens! This is delicious! Maybe  _ you  _ should come help me.” 

“Maybe I will,” he responded calmly and Rey could tell that he was sincere. “I’ve been doing enough extra hours and I can ask for a few days off before Easter. It will be fun working for Reylo together just like years ago.”

Rey put her fork down and furrowed. She had assumed that the headache torturing that entire day had to do with the cold weather and her crying, but now something inside her head seemed to be throbbing.

“Umm… sorry… what’s Reylo?”

Her vision was slightly blurry, but she rested her head in her hand to give the impression that she was just tired.

“The cafe’s old name. It’s a play upon words - your first name and the last syllable of your last name. Though we sometimes joked that it was a mixture between our names.”

Rey blinked trying to see the fork to continue eating, but despite her hunger and the deliciousness of Ben’s dish, she was now feeling slightly nauseous. Her pretty much empty stomach was the only thing keeping her from throwing up on the table.

“As in the fact that it’s  _ your  _ last name? Or do you have another name I can’t remember?” she yawned continuing with her act.

“Mmmno. It’s about Kylo Ren.”

The headache was growing stronger.

“Who’s Kylo Ren?”

“It’s a stupid character I invented for a boy’s party back when we were working together. You liked it so much that we ended up… umm… including it in our… you know…”

Did she? Oh, she did! Because she could now see Ben dressed in black, an imposing figure standing over her, with gloved hands tearing her clothes apart and pushing her on the bed. Gloved fingers around her neck… him biting the tip of his finger and taking out the glove… the fingers sliding inside her, while his member was in her…

_ Please stop… Ben… Please… It hurts…  _

Her eyes grew wider and she gasped seeking air. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t see or feel her body. She couldn’t…

“It’s ok, sweetheart,” she heard Ben’s soothing voice and the darkness was slowly vanishing. She whimpered lifting her hand to the back of the head. It wasn’t the scar bothering her after all. After she had read her own file, she supposed that the surgery must have been behind her memory loss, but no. It was indeed something emotional. She wanted to forget and to regress to the good old days of innocence.

“Do you want me to call an ambulance?”

“No,” she uttered getting up on her own. “Did you give me anything from my medicine bag?”

“No. You have different pills now and I don’t know what they’re for. And you’re out of emergency shots.”

“Yeah,” she stretched her arms. “The doctor said that I wouldn’t need them anymore, so they were no longer on my prescription. I think I am just exhausted or it’s the…”

She stopped before spilling the beans and looked at Ben’s calm face. His hair had its tips dripping water drops and he was wearing a clean T-shirt and a pair of plaid pyjama pants. She was also wearing different clothes.

“Did you undress me?” she furrowed.

“Who else?” he snorted. “Besides… your food ended up all over your dress when you fainted.”

“Too bad,” she mumbled letting herself fall back on the pillow. “I think I’m going to be hungry in a few minutes.”

“I can make you a sandwich.”

A sandwich? With ham, rucola, feta cheese and tomatoes? It sounded…  _ Oh, God! _ She gagged and covered her face with her arm. Maybe just a cup of tea was enough.

“I hope I’ll get better soon,” she said on a bitter tone, remembering what she had read about pregnancies and nausea in those past months. “I have pies to bake and a lunch to host.”

“What lunch?” asked Ben sitting next to her. He put his arm under her head and with the other hand, he gently massaged her belly.

“Oh, I invited Finn over for Easter, but I don’t know if he actually wants to come. Rose already said yes and maybe we can ask Kaydel too unless she has plans with her boyfriend. And perhaps Luke too? After all, he’s all alone and we’re his only family.”

Ben sighed letting out a disapproving groan and kissed her on the temple.

“Yeah… I doubt he’ll want to. It’s against his hermit ways.”

“But don’t you want him by your side? Shouldn’t  _ he  _ want to spend more time with you?”

Ben ignored his wife’s consternation, knowing that she had always been too passionate about the idea of how and what a family should be. He had barely seen Luke his entire childhood and they only got closer just because he was fascinated with the case and had promised his mother to take care of him. But he already knew that Christmas with Luke had resumed to the old man getting a little bit tipsy and spreading papers all over the table, drawing maps on the wall and screaming like a mad man. He felt a form of admiration for him and a lot of gratitude for his dedication to Rey’s disappearance, but having him at the Easter lunch wasn’t exactly a good idea.

“Seriously, maybe you should talk to him. After all, he is  _ your  _ dad.”

Ben snorted and buried his face in the space between Rey’s neck and shoulder, inhaling her body’s aroma and the soft scent of the perfume he had gifted her.

“ _ Uncle _ .”

“ _ Father _ .”

Ben got up on one elbow and looked at her completely confused.

“Baby, what are you talking about? He is my only living relative, but he isn’t exactly a father figure. He isn’t my dad.”

Rey got up as well and leaned in, her nose almost touching his.

“I know that he’s your dad and I know that I’m not your therapist, but don’t you think we should talk about this? All of these abandonment issues you ha-”

“What?” he shook his head.

“Ben, I know! I know that you’re adopted and that Luke is your dad.”

He took a breath of air and exhaled struggling between taking her words as the joke of a person suffering from amnesia and taking her words as a dagger to the heart. However, he was trying to keep his composure.

“My parents are Leia Organa and Han Solo. Luke Skywalker is just my uncle. He can’t be my father, Rey. You’re probably confusing memories and events.”

Rey looked at him with a gaze full of pity, the thing he despised the most.

“Wait… so you  _ don’t  _ know?”

“Know what? That you’ve just fainted and that tomorrow I am going to personally take you to see your doctor?”

Rey took no offence, though his pandering tone was rather mean.

“Ben, don’t you remember the time spent in Maz’s house as a child?”

“I do,” he nodded. “However, I would rather not and I don’t see why you’re bringing it up and… how…”

He looked at her. The only people knowing about his time there were his mom and Maz herself, now both dead. And considering his mother’s state at the time Rey came to live with them, it was most likely that she knew it from Maz.

“Look… Maz was cool and everything, but not all of her stories were true, so d-”

“I don’t know this from Maz. I know it from Rose and she knows it from your mother.”

“My mother, the one suffering from Alzheimer’s?” he rolled his eyes completely sick of that conversation. “Sweetheart, I am not adopted and Luke is not my dad.”

“Well… didn’t your parents marry long after your birth?”

He was ready to debunk her ridiculous theory once more, but he stopped with his lips parted and a lost gaze. She had been pressing buttons and now it seemed she had hit the right one. The memories of his mom introducing Han to him, the day they got married, all the whispering regarding the lack of similarities between his parents and him… Rey watched him in glee as his mind was connecting the dots he had never before acknowledged. At least one of them was no longer going to be an orphan and could enjoy the love of a living parent.

“I can’t believe you’re finding out like this. When Rose told me, I thought you already knew, but then when some of my memories returned, I realised that I knew even more and that we’ve never discussed this thing. You should have your father by your side even though you’ve never been close. Maybe he can tell you about your real mom too.”

_ Real mom? _ He got out of the trance and looked at her with a deadly cold stare.

“So you’ve always known?”

Rey shrugged and lifted her hand to caress his head, but he pushed her away rather brutally.

“Yes…” she said on a cautious tone. “I found out shortly after I moved in, but I guessed you knew and considering that you never mentioned anything, I also guessed that you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“You guessed?”

She straightened up, feeling rather uncomfortable with his dark eyes appearing so lifeless and with that sardonic grin on his face. He got off the bed sniffing and looked outside the window. 

“Are you feeling better?”

No ‘Rey’, no ‘sweetheart, no ‘baby’, no ‘pumpkin’.

“Yes,” she gulped.

“Then please get out of my bedroom.”

She took a moment to digest his request.

“What?”

“I said  _ get out _ .”   
“You’re not serious, aren’t you?” she snorted though not feeling so sure whether he was indeed just joking.

“Get out!” he turned around and lashed at her. “I swear to God, Rey, you better get out of this bedroom right now before I kick you out of  _ my  _ house.”

She stood up quickly, but still doing nothing to fulfil his request, instead standing there and defying him.

“You’re angry with the wrong person!” she defended herself with her fists clenched. “You’re more mature than this! Don’t blame me for problems created years before I was even born!”

But he was no longer listening. He ran to her and Rey closed her eyes lifting her hands, waiting for him to hit her. But she opened them moments later, she was on the hallway, listening to the door being locked. She was not sure where that instinct came from, as he had never been violent to her, just as she had no idea where that memory of him choking her and… pretty much abusing her came from. She was begging him to stop and he wasn’t stopping. When did that happen? Who was that Ben?

She cupped her still flat belly unsure what to do or think of that situation as her mind was digging up another memory. Now Ben was masked and she was cupping her very pregnant belly. She was inside a cellar, the same she had seen in her other flashbacks, the ones in which she was chained up on the floor. This time she was not chained, but she was barely moving. She tried to reach him with one hand, but her fingers were scratched and wounded, even bleeding with one nail missing.

_ I am not yours, Kylo Ren! And this isn’t your baby and you can’t keep me here as your own doll for the rest of my life! I will get out of here and make sure that you’ll pay for everything and never ever lay another hand on me, you monster!  _

Rey covered her mouth as a loud cry escaped her mouth. Still wearing her pyjamas, she ran downstairs, grabbed her coat, boots and car keys and then ran outside to her car. She needn’t anyone to kick her out of there. She would leave on her own - for her own sake and for the wellbeing of her unborn baby. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title refers to 'Shameless' - covered by Sofia Karlberg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXEj_IZmUKU)


	22. ...You live for the pain

“Are you really not going to talk to me ever again?”

After their fight and her terrible memories resurfacing, Rey had never hoped to return in that house ever again. It took her an entire night of staring at the ceiling and Luke’s notes to at least consider the possibility of her memory not being exactly the most reliable storyteller, especially when it was still not completely recovered. Without mentioning anything of her spilling the beans to Ben about his family, Rey feigned only distress and frustration regarding her disappearance, though it was not completely an act. She was extremely desperate and, if she were to believe Ben, Luke was too passionate about that case to care about anything else while discussing its aspects. So for entire hours, Luke presented her all the clues, files, reports, photos and testimonies he had gathered, including his own theories. Finding out about the dead girl who looked like her was quite a shock, but if Ben had been behind her disappearance, then the similarities between her and that girl were most likely a coincidence. Unless he was that cruel and mad to kill someone just to fool everyone that she was dead. However, his testimony had been backed up over and over again by the people at the fair and from their circle of friends, with no one except Phasma having anything to say against him. Of course, there was the possibility of someone else having been involved. And Luke seemed to be the only one excluding the possibility of an affair. So she either had covered her tracks perfectly, giving the ideal advantage to her abductor, or she made the biggest mistake not leaving the country, especially after she had foolishly lied to the police.

_ In the end, we know nothing. _

Disappointed, though a little bit calmer, she went to bed after Luke had so generously offered her his bed, while he slept on the couch. At least  _ he  _ seemed more at peace with her own answers. Perhaps he was able to see more than she could and even read through the lines she wasn’t even able to see in the first place. So after an entire evening of listening to Luke’s theories and reading the testimonies and reports defending Ben and excluding even the slightest possibility of him having been involved in her disappearance, she was able to return home. Of course, Ben refused any contact with her and kept himself locked inside his study or locked inside the master bedroom, whereas she too felt safer keeping the guest bedroom and bathroom locked each time she was home. She could easily get distracted by work and Bee to not waste any time or energy worrying about what she saw. Unfortunately, each time she caught a glimpse or heard his footsteps, she could no longer imagine him touching her, kissing her, making love to her without feeling fear. She only saw the man abusing her and keeping her a prisoner to punish her for cheating on him and expecting a baby with someone else… the same baby she didn’t want to be born in another of her memories. It didn’t make sense. So many things didn’t make any sense at all and she couldn’t leave them like that. So when she found the master bedroom empty, she took her diary and noted down all her thoughts, worries, questions and theories, just like Luke, but without telling him. They were the ones that she couldn’t tell anyone about. The ones that didn’t make any sense even after reading them over and over again. She knew that there must have been some truth in what she saw, but then why, even after days spent in fear and doubt, she found herself more willing to believe in his innocence and worse, begging him for attention?

He was entering the house when she was about to leave and even though their bodies were millimetres away from each other, he never once looked at her, taking off his coat and boots as if the place was empty. As if her voice belonged to a ghost demanding to be seen and heard without realising that she’s been long dead. Yet once she spoke to him, he seemed to react, though only for one moment as he eventually headed towards his study. Stubborn as always, Rey ran to him, snuck under his arm and stood in front of the door, blocking his path. 

“What makes you so damn entitled to treat me like this when I am the one who is the most hurt?”

Ben smirked with a visibly disgusted look on his face, breaking Rey’s heart.

“I don’t know. What makes you so damn entitled to always believe that you’re more important than anyone else?”

Rey gasped but kept her composure.

“I have my own reasons to be mad at you and yet, here I am, trying to make you come to senses.”

“Of course,” he rolled his eyes. “You’re always mad about something, but no one else has the right to reproach you anything. Right?”

“Well, maybe I would be less of the brat you’re suggesting I am if you actually spoke to me and told me why the hell you hate me out of the sudden!”

She stopped to catch her breath and looked him in the eyes. Those dark ancient eyes… and those full lips… She wanted to kiss him and to ditch any plans just to go upstairs and make love to him all day long. And by the look he was now giving her and his relaxed shoulders, he wanted the same thing. Rey lifted her chin and parted her lips, while her hands cupped her belly. He needed to know. He needed…

She jumped startled as he bent over her for a kiss, then touched her face with both her hands. The pain she felt when the gloved hand struck her over the face was unbearable, even as just a memory. Without looking at him for one last time, she left the living room and, with a loud slam, the house.

She had cupcakes and pies to bake.

***

The cafe was rather grim-looking that day and Rey could not figure out whether it was her bad mood making her see everything through a grey filter or if there was something else. Rose seemed upset as well, especially when her reply to Rey’s hello and forced smile was a mere nod. The entire world was having a bad day and she was no one to judge. Moreover, she was the happiest when Rose asked her to stay in the kitchen and finish as many orders she could, while she took care of the clients buying coffee, smoothies, croissants and sandwiches. 

But whereas she had hoped her work would help her get distracted like before and once again forget her doubts and marriage problems, something else was just waiting to tie the noose around her neck. After she noted down all the details regarding the completed orders and put inside the fridge the last pavlova cake, she noticed a cheque on the fridge door. The sum was rather impressive and surprising considering that it was not yet the time to get her share of that month’s earnings.

“Rose,” she called her friend. “What’s with this? Is it an early bonus?”

She stopped, staring at how desolated the cafe was looking. The decorations were no longer on the walls, the salt and pepper shakers were in a box and the remaining pastries they usually kept for themselves were now in the trash can. 

“What’s going on?” she asked appalled, taking from a box a wooden rose carved by Ben. “Are you closing down the place?”

“You can leave now,” said Rose without looking at her. Rey furrowed and went to her friend, forcing her to face her.

“Rose, what’s wrong? We were doing just fine. We have lots of customers and orders. Why are you closing this place down out of the blue?”

“ _ Why _ ?”

Rey took a step back. The hate in Rose’s voice was too similar to Ben’s. She gulped and looked around confused.

“ _ Guess _ who called me last night?” asked Rose on a tone that was still giving away the anger she was feeling.

Rey shrugged.

“Who? Phasma?”

“Noooo! Even better!”   
She took the box full of cutlery and threw it on the floor, ignoring the noise and the teaspoons flying all over the place.

“Your dearest brother called me.”

_ Finn _ ? Rey furrowed.

“And guess why? Not to apologize for ghosting me while we were still dating. He called to ask why I haven’t sold you the damn business yet.”

Rey’s lips formed an O and Rose shook her head in disappointment. 

“You came here like an innocent confused puppy and all you did was play pretend only to… Do you think I wanted this business, Rey?  _ No _ ! I bought it from Ben because he needed the money to find you and because it was dying without you. Yeah, I did a bad job keeping it alive, but it was not helping me pay bills in the first place, so I had to put first my job as a nurse. You could have said right from the start that you wanted it back. Instead, you used me… like you use everyone.”

Rey opened her mouth to defend herself.

“Wait, I’ve never used you! I had no idea who you were and what was going on!”

“But you could have said something during these months when I kept complaining about someone pressuring me to sell the cafe.”

Rey pursed her lips. She couldn’t lie and say that she thought it was Phasma or some money-hungry big franchise. She had always known.

“But that was Finn insisting! I told him  _ once  _ to get it back for me, but that was before meeting you. All the rest was his doing!”

Rose threw a cup in the sink, making Rey cringe at the noise made by the shards. 

“Can you for once in your damn life own your mistakes?” she cried exasperated. “Everyone must always pamper you and treat you like a baby, but you are an adult, Rey, so act like one! You can’t always close your eyes and ignore everything and everyone!”

She pushed her out of the way and grabbed an empty box to pack the plates.

“Ok, I get it that I never once thought about the consequences,” she admitted. “But, Rose, it’s not the end of the world! Don’t close the cafe just because you’re mad at me.”

“I’m closing it because I have no reason to run this business. I did it for you and Ben, but it’s not the career I studied for and it’s most definitely not worth my time and nerves.”

Rey crossed her arms and went to her friend, snatching the glass and paper from her hands.

“Please stop and think for a moment! Do you want to punish me for wanting to buy back the business by selling it to me? Where’s the logic?”

“Oh, no!” she snorted. “I’m either renting the space or selling it to someone else. As much as I would love to see you mess things up and realise that you’re not the centre of the universe, I’d rather not see this place in ruins just yet. Because maybe I am not a great baker as you are, but at least I am capable of reading a paper and calculating taxes. Instead, you are just a child expecting everyone else to do things for you. You kept whining about me keeping my job as a nurse and you kept whining about Ben keeping his job just because you are not capable of doing things on your own, so you had to ruin it for everyone. Well, things have changed and, after all, you’ve never been my employee and you should be grateful for the money I gave you. Now please get out.”

Rey sniffed and wiped a tear.

“You’re angry with the wrong person,” she murmured. “Even if I had bought it back, I wouldn’t have treated you like a mere employee. I would have wanted you to be my partner. I am not that much of an idiot to lie to myself about not knowing how to run a cafe.”

Rose ignored her. It was so ridiculous! To be upset for such a little thing and cause so much drama… She could get over Rose attacking her and insulting her, but having her so upset that she blatantly ignored any of her attempts to make her reason? Her therapist had encouraged her to stop blaming herself and accept the things as they were. However, after her argument with Ben and those dreadful memories, she was not sure whether she was willing to accept anything. She was selfish, Ben was a brat and Rose was petty. They were all messed up, but was she  _ that  _ unforgivable? After all, those were just misunderstandings based on miscommunication. She knew she must have spoken sooner, but still didn’t do it. What’s done is done, despite Rose and Ben having been so eager to accuse her without even caring about the facts or her side of the story.

She sighed remembering Luke’s reports, maps and theories. Everything pointing at someone and accusing that someone didn’t necessarily mean that everything was crystal clear. That someone could still be innocent and forgivable. Yes, she had been selfish and did things without thinking, but she knew that… She needed to face Ben. 

“I’m sorry, Rose,” she uttered before grabbing her things and leaving.

***

Ben stared at the glass of wine, dropping on purpose a couple of drops on his perfect carpet before spilling the entire drink. He no longer cared about that place. He had worked day and night to make that house a home and for what? He had spent most of his time there weeping and whining and feeling utterly miserable. It was supposed to be the place where he would start his new life with his wife and their blossoming business, and maybe even get to turn one of those guest bedrooms into a nursery. Instead, it had been nothing but an empty cave full of misery.

“Please don’t spill any wine on the papers.”

He ignored Kaydel’s plead and poured some more, filling the glass so that once again he ended up spilling some on the carpet. He then put his feet on the coffee table, pushing the stack of files. Why was he even working so hard? For what? Just to keep his mind occupied while time passed? He had never truly enjoyed anything. Well… he did find pleasure in cooking and baking with…  _ her _ , but he did not want her anymore in his life. He was finally done and that had been the last straw.

“Is that apartment still available?” he asked rubbing his eyes.

“Have you and Rey decided to move out?”

“I don’t care about what she’s decided.  _ I  _ want to move out.”

“How come?” she snorted, but Ben could notice something else in her voice. It was amusement, but not the ironic type. Instead, it was a more excited one. He furrowed looking at Kaydel’s smirk as she poured a glass of wine for herself. Apart from perhaps no longer seeing him brooding or hearing him complain, why would she care?

“I need space for me and myself only. About the rest… I don’t want to think about the rest right now,” he murmured taking a sip.

“I went today to therapy,” he added later. “Amy told me to take some time to think straight and not make any rash decisions, but I feel like I am losing it.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” she asked now on a sincere worried tone. “I haven’t seen you so messed up since the car accident.” 

“Oh, you want to know what happened?” he snorted. “ _ Guess _ !”

His friend said nothing and no longer did he. Only when his glass emptied again did he hear her soft voice.

“For how long do we still have to hide?”

Was she in a mood for philosophical discussions? Because he was not really in the mood to bond over matters of identity and abandonment when his problems were consuming him too much to handle or at least pay attention to somebody else’s. Selfish as he might have sounded, he asked her to join him for a glass of wine just to make sure that he didn’t drink the whole bottle with a nice plate of sleeping pills as the main dish. But before he even got the chance to ask her what she was referring to, Kaydel was already straddling him. He stared at her in utter shock, unable to move or say anything.

“I know you’ve said we have to keep this a secret, but I think that this is it. This is the last straw and Rey will finally leave and we can be happy… the  _ three  _ of us.”

Ben blinked perplexed and slightly tipsy as Kaydel’s face approached his and their lips locked together. He did not react as she put her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. Maybe it was the wine or just his imagination because he had no idea what was going on.

Outside the house, looking through the window, Rey clenched her jaw and fists feeling her blood boil inside each vein, no matter how small. She could have taken a photo and used it to her advantage, but she was pregnant and heartbroken and, most importantly, madly in love.

She ran inside and slammed the door so hard that for a moment she thought that it might need to be replaced.

“Ben!” she yelled without moving to give those two the chance to stop whatever they were doing. In just a couple of moments, Kaydel came out of the living room with her lipstick smudged. Her stare was deadly, but her smug grin was telling her without any actual words that she had won.

“Get out!” she growled like a beast ready to tear her to pieces, grabbing her by the arm and ignoring Kaydel’s bag falling on the floor. The more she wanted to tip the scales in Ben’s favour, the more he was digging his own grave.

“That’s  _ so  _ you!” she lashed at him undressing her jacket and throwing it on the floor. “We can’t have  _ one  _ damn argument without you running back to her! And don’t you dare fucking lie to me this time, because I saw you! I saw you two kissing and I’m sure the entire neighbourhood did!”

Ben didn’t even pay attention to her, instead, getting up and staggering on his way to the staircase. He really didn’t care about her anymore, nor about changing her opinion about him. And all for a misunderstanding and for a choice she made years ago, regarding a secret that was not even hers. He had the guts to hate her for maybe protecting him from trauma when he kept many secrets from her for the same reason.

“You jerk!” she ran to him punching him in the shoulder and Ben, drunk as he was, lost his balance and fell to his knees. “How could you?” She grabbed him by the sweater, shaking him with a strength she never knew she had. She also didn’t notice her own tears until one fell on his face, lingering on his cheek as if it was his own. But Ben was not crying. Unlike her, he was empty and not showing any trace of emotion. Not even hate or disappointment, let alone love or remorse.

“TELL ME!” she yelled crying and her voice breaking seemed to have triggered something inside him as he blinked confused and furrowed. “Why did you have to do this?”

“Do what?” he snarled pushing her off him and standing up. She just cried taking her boots off and throwing them at him. But Ben was having none of her fits of anger and grabbed her by the arm, lifting her to his level.

“Ow!” she cried in pain and he let her go immediately.

“Do  _ what _ ?” he repeated and, seeing his wife not respond, he ran his fingers nervously through his hair and let go of the last drop of control he had left in his body. “DO WHAT?”

“You fucking kissed her!” she cried. “And you were about to let her fuck you in  _ our  _ house, on  _ our  _ couch, where we made love just a couple of days ago!”

“Really?” he snorted. “And why would that bother you,  _ dearie _ ?”

Rey blinked taken aback by the term of endearment Phasma used when trying to manipulate her. But how did Ben know… it must have been a coincidence, unless…

“Are you that petty that you want to punish me by cheating on me?” she whimpered.

Ben tilted his head with a sardonic smile.

“Oh, poor little you.”

He turned his back on her and returned to the staircase. 

“YOU MONSTER!” cried Rey taking the nearest flower vase and smashing it on the floor. She was about to let herself fall to her knees again, even if meant having all those shards penetrate her flesh because physical pain seemed so much more tolerable than whatever she was feeling now. However, instead of falling, she felt her body being pushed until it got slammed into the front door. She opened her eyes and met the face of a man she was no longer recognizing. The tortured yet cruel look on Ben’s face was something new to her. Not even when they argued in the kitchen months ago did he look so willing to snap her neck.

“I’m the monster?” he hissed. “Oh, I know very well. You’ve filled entire pages recalling me raping you and holding you hostage.”

“You’ve read my diary?” she whispered appalled. She had told him many times that he could always read her notes, but he had always refused unless she was actually shoving it in his face, begging him to read.

“Yes, I did. And guess what else I found? You’re so good at guessing after all.”

She bit the inside of her cheek, placing her hands over his. He was squeezing her with his large hands and her ribs were starting to hurt.

“I also read how my adorable little wife was so bored that she found herself a lover.”

Rey’s eyes grew wider at the pain she saw in his eyes.

“You said you would forgive any mistake I-”

“NO!” he yelled and Rey’s chin trembled in fear. “I said I would forgive anything knowing that you regret it! Instead, you filled pages accusing me of everything that’s happened to you! You did not only cheat on me, but you’ve also carefully crafted evidence to pin on me not only your disappearance but also the… whatever happened to your baby…”

Ben let her go rubbed his palms all over his face.

“You had a baby with another man, Rey! And you wrote with your own hand that you didn’t want it, yet pages later you wrote that I took it from you!  _ I _ , the one who would have accepted even that baby just to have a family and make sure that I would still get scraps of your love… just to not lose you…” 

He let out a desperate sigh and Rey was beginning to worry that he was about to suffocate.

“What have I done to you to treat me like this? To be honest, I was expecting you to prepare your exit after a while, but not so soon and not like this. Why did you even come back? For money? For revenge?”

His voice was now slightly raspy after all the yelling, yet still soft. He was breaking her heart and he didn’t even know.

“Don’t do this, Ben,” she begged.

“Oh yeah,” he blinked realising something and pointed his finger at her, nodding. “ _ You _ left, so, according to the law, I was entitled to keep all of our common goods. But if  _ I  _ were to leave now, you could sue me for abandoning our home. It was all a trick. Well… you’ve played yourself. Too bad you had to pretend to love me for so long.”

“I  _ do  _ love you.”

“NO!” he punched the wall making a hole it and Rey screamed terrified. “You don’t love me! You never did! You love comfort, Rey, and attention! I gave you a home, love and helped you, always putting you first. All I ever wanted was for you to love me back.”

_ I do _ , she mouthed.

“But you cheated on me, got pregnant with that someone else and ran away with him. You could have told me and saved me from years of misery. Instead, you got yourself in big shit and came back playing the victim and gaslighting me. And now you are running away and setting everything up for not only Phasma to make me look like some psychopath, but for the police to actually have something to lock me up for. And I ask you again - wouldn’t have been easier just to tell me that you wanted out?”

“It’s not like that,” she shook her head. “It’s not what I wanted.”

“Then tell me for once in your life what you actually want.”

He was so tired and so fragile. Her mind could no longer associate Kylo Ren from her memories with the defeated Ben Solo. It was as if they were entirely two different people, yet all the things she had scribbled in her diary only pointed at him. No one else knew who Kylo Ren was and the mask, the pain, the cruelty… they were all his. And yet there he stood… Ben Solo, the love of her life.

“What do I want?” she asked herself.

He chuckled miserably, then watched her slid her hands under her large sweater, pushing down her leggings and using her feet and toes to remove them. She was ready to sneak her fingers under the elastic band of her boxers when he removed her hands and tore her underwear with his bare hands. Rey looked at him as he cupped her butt with those large palms and lifted her without flinching, inviting her to put her legs around his waist. Grabbing her hips, he slid into her and thrusted deep inside as she gasped hungrily for his touch. His gaze never left hers and, as much as she loved it, she was feeling uneasy reading only sadness in those dark eyes instead of his usual passion and adoration for her. She even sought to kiss him, but each time she lifted her chin and parted her lips, he simply ignored her. She insisted, her mouth chasing his as they both moaned, but he turned his head, rejecting her. It was humiliating and cruel, but she was now realising what she truly wanted.

_ You… I want you _ , she told herself watching him close his eyes as he came. With a glimmer of hope that maybe he was going to forgive after all and that she had been mistaken, her memory playing tricks on her and mixing different events, she parted her lips and waited for him to open his eyes and to look at her.

_ This is it _ , she smiled.

“I want the divorce,” she heard herself say. Ben chuckled and she covered her mouth in shock, shaking her head as he let go of her, letting her fall on the floor.

“Fine.”

“Wait!” she called him desperately.

_ I didn’t mean it! _

He pulled his pants back on and looked at her in disappointment. It hurt more than disgust would have.

“Do you really want this?” she cried crawling to him, but he only stepped back, avoiding her touch.

“I’m done,” was the last thing he told her before going upstairs and locking himself in their old bedroom.

Still weeping, she dragged her feet to the bathroom, cleaned herself, then went upstairs to change her clothes. Perhaps the smartest thing was to fight and stay there, but, regardless of her heart’s desire, her body took her back downstairs. She grabbed her shoes, the jacket and the bag thrown on the floor and ran to her car. She couldn’t go to Luke and Rose wouldn’t have received her anyway. And after Finn spilt the beans, she didn’t feel like asking him for help either. Who was left? Oh, yeah. No one. But maybe her soul deserved being alone for some time.


	23. Hide your lies

“Hey, kid!”

Ben rolled his eyes and ignored the car just as he had been ignoring the terrible headache following the dreadful night he had. Was everyone mad or was it just their plan to make him go mad? Though, considering all the things everyone was accusing him of, maybe he was the mad one or at least suffering from some sort of temporary amnesia too.

“BEN!”

“WHAT?” he turned around taking his hood off and looking at Luke like a vicious animal ready to dig his claws in his flesh. Now that he had finally stopped jogging, Luke stopped the car too and opened the door to the passenger seat.

“Get in!”

Ben’s initial answer was meant to be less polite and not very representative of his education, but he bit his tongue and got inside the car, letting Luke drive wherever he wanted. Though, the last time they were in a similar situation, they both ended up in hospital, reminder which was keeping him from feeling less tensed, especially with Luke reeking of alcohol so early in the morning. But at least now there the roads were not slippery and it was broad daylight. 

“Last night, we had lots of complaints from your neighbours,” spoke Luke and Ben looked at him unsure why he was supposed to care about such thing when there was something more important to discuss. “You know, Ben, if you two like it rough, at least don’t wake up the entire neighbourhood.”

“Are you my father?” he chose to ignore anything that would bring up his future ex-wife.

Luke hit the brakes so unexpectedly that it was sheer luck the car behind didn’t crash into them. It was Luke’s time to ignore the angry driver and the cup of coffee he threw at his window.

“I’m not in the mood for bad jokes,” he huffed.

“Nor am I,” Ben snarled. “I found out that I am adopted and that my mom had been telling people that you’re my dad. Everyone knew. Everyone but me.”

The old man took a moment to recollect, then focused again on the road. They were already leaving the town when he finally sighed and spoke to Ben.

“Almost everything you said is wrong, but you do know something.”

“I’d rather not know anything,” he scowled. “But now I do and I need answers.  _ Don’t  _ disappoint me for once your life.”

Luke rolled his eyes recognizing his family’s dramatic genes in the boy, then shook his head in amusement, though he was beginning to feel things he hadn’t felt in thirty years.

“Listen… you only need to look in a mirror to see your father’s face. You have your mom’s cheeks, chin and soft eyes. You are your parents’ son. Your mom must have said that when she was already unwell.”

“But I  _ was  _ adopted. I remember people talking about it when I was a kid. They were either praising my mom for her courage and selflessness or pitying her for having ended up with someone like me as her son. Besides, I was in the photos at their wedding.”

Luke made an exasperated sound as if trying to remember himself the old story. Eventually, he pulled near a roadside memorial and massaged his forehead. His heart was feeling rather strange and he had to take deep breaths to calm down before getting too upset.

“When your mom…  _ Leia _ , to be more precise, got pregnant, it was a really difficult time for her. She had lost her family, had found that she was adopted and the shitstorm her birth family was. Then she got pregnant with Han. Their relationship had been mostly an affair she regretted back then. I don’t know if he wasn’t what she had hoped for or if she simply didn’t want more from him. After all, he was much older and she had more expectations from her life, unlike him. So they broke up, he left, and she moved in with me while I went to academy and she to college. We were both broke and she was also pregnant, which was quite an expensive little detail. We managed to make ends meet and I helped her raise you until she turned the right age to claim her inheritance. She then repaired her adoptive parents’ house and moved back there. At the same time, she met Han again and you know the story.”

“But it doesn’t explain the adoption part. Why-”

“You used to call me dad because I was your paternal figure in your first years of life,” sighed Luke cursing his own feelings for that little boy with messy dark curly hair and ancient eyes and with an inexplicable obsession for elephants which he had outgrown it, thankfully. “People never knew Leia was pregnant, so when they saw a giant baby with black hair calling  _ me  _ dad, they’d assumed that I was a single dad giving my son to my sister to raise. And as I said, Han and Leia got back together, he adored you, you too and you sort of forgot about me. And once they got married, he had to adopt you to change your name and so you became Ben Solo. The rest is just town gossip and… your poor mom being confused. Memory is such a tricky aspect of our existence.”

Ben knew exactly what he was trying to say, but he was too busy assimilating the information. If it was true, then why on earth his parents had never used that part of their lives as another embarrassing story to be told at Christmas dinner?

“I could show you a photo of your great-grandma to explain the dark hair and then take you for a DNA test,” he patted his nephew on the shoulder. “I’m not your dad, kid, even though you used to call me so.”

Ben said nothing. It didn’t appear as if he was completely convinced, but at least he looked less menacing and had again that puppy face of his. 

“Your wife knew this. Or at least her old self knew. She once came to me and demanded me to take responsibility for my thirty-something-year-old son. I told her the truth.”

“She never bothered telling me anything until a couple of days ago. Though she must have not remembered that part of the story. Not that it would have changed anything.”

Luke looked at his grumpy nephew and his lips thinned in a firm line.

“I understand that you’re upset and you’re right to be so, but maybe you should talk to her.”

“I don’t care about her anymore. I  _ hate  _ her! I swear I could… destroy her if I had her in front of me.”

“Yeah, the entire town heard how you destroyed her last night,” the old man laughed and hit the gas ignoring Ben’s angry red face. “Now let’s talk about more important stuff. I read those diary pages you sent me.”

“Oh, I forgot I sent them to you,” he mumbled scratching his forehead. For a moment, he regretted all the rage he felt and the pain he caused Rey, but now he remembered the diary and all those horrible things she wrote. The fact that his childhood was not in fact a lie didn’t change that his marriage had been one since the little critter came to him with her delicious biscuits. How could someone so pretty and sweet be so cruel and vile?

“Rey came to me a few nights ago. She had been crying and she wanted to know about the investigation. She gave me some details that night and they helped a lot, though it would have helped a lot more to have  _ all  _ the details. I mean, she was lying through her teeth, but at least she gave me something.”

“So do you have anything to say about what you  _ read _ ?”

“I’m gonna get there too, but first, we need to talk about Margaret Shay.”

“What’s that?” shook Ben his head before he would make any unpleasant remarks.

“It’s a person. And you’ve met her, though… she wasn’t quite alive.”

Ben glared at his uncle then blinked confused as he remembered the poor girl lying under a sheet at the morgue. She looked so much like Rey that it took him a very traumatising close analysis of her body to figure out that it was just another poor unfortunate soul.

“What about her?”

“You know that scar she has on the back of her head? We know from her file that she had a surgery, so I decided to try my luck. So I took out the files I had from the hospitals in the area and found a certain Margaret Shay. Must I tell you the reason why she was in the hospital around the time the real Margaret Shay was already rotting and Rey Solo was still missing?”

Ben bit his lip.

“Maybe it’s just a coincidence.”

“Maybe, but the hospital should have a copy of her ID card.”

“Luke, this is madness.”

“Do you want to go back to jail, but this time with your wife accusing you directly of all those things she wrote in that diary?”

Ben pursed his lips.

“I… At some point I actually wondered if I had done those things. But I couldn’t have! Luke, you know me!”

“I do, but I also sort of know your wifey.”

“But you remember what I’ve gone thought and Rey… she ch-”

“I know, Ben. She’s quite a liar the little one, but if those things really happened to her, maybe we should give her the chance to sort things out.”

Ben bit his lip and looked at the farms gradually getting replaced by more and more trees, like a curtain. Rey didn’t bother giving him a chance to explain himself. Why would he give her a chance? He had been suicidal and miserable for someone who had been enjoying his pain. 

“ _ If.” _

***

_ Please stop… Ben… Please… It hurts…  _

Rey shed another tear watching the first sun rays form a bridge of light on the surface of the lake. She had spent the entire night driving around until she decided to go back to where everything began. At least it was not that cold and she was wearing warmer clothes. However, unlike that last time, there was no one looking for her and no one came to rescue her. This time, no one cared about her anymore. She had made sure of this.

Her eye twitched when the headache hit and she closed her eyes, letting her mind relax and embrace the memory.

She was in so much pain that she barely found the strength to lift her cuffed hands to grab his wrist and squeeze it. Ben looked at her as if barely seeing her while he continued to thrust and moan. But as her desperation was showing off, his gaze too turned into a panicked one. He immediately pulled out and uncuffed her.

_ Rey? _ he called her helping her to get up.  _ What’s wrong? _

She touched her head and parted her lips unable to speak. 

_ Have I hurt you? Do you need an ambulance? _

She straightened her back and gently moved her head back and forth. Now that her skull was no longer pressing onto the headboard, the pain was getting slightly tolerable.

_ It’s… I’m fine. I couldn’t…  _

She looked at his worried face and gulped. They had been looking forward to that night for weeks and her sudden headache ruined their game. She needn’t tell him about the rest of her symptoms. 

_ Sorry _ , she whimpered and he shook his head pulling her gently in his arms.  _ The scavenger failed both her mission of defeating the evil Kylo Ren and seducing him to earn her freedom. _

_ Stop joking, Rey, _ he pressed his forehead against hers.  _ I’m really worried. It’s not the first time you’re in pain or you faint or… Just promise me you’ll go see a doctor and stop overworking yourself. _

“I promise,” she murmured staring once again at the lake. She’d been so wrong about him and with him knowing everything, there was no turning back. She’d ruined everything. The only time she was right was when she had the tiniest seed of doubt that maybe, just maybe her memory was not the most reliable storyteller. And it hadn’t been the first time either. Ever since Luke saved her from freezing to death, she had doubted Ben, their relationship, friendship, their love, his faithfulness… 

She gasped remembering how Kaydel was straddling him in her own couch. Indeed, he was drunk that night, drunk enough to barely stand on his own, but he was so full of hate and no longer willing to care about anything. Had she not stopped them on time, he would have done to her the same she did to him.

She let her body fall on the dock and stared at the sky - there were still a couple of stars visible.

What was the point in even hoping to save her marriage when she’d been smashing it like a porcelain vase and had even given Ben a hammer to join her in destroying even the tiniest remaining shard? There was nothing keeping them together when they took every sweet aspect of their marriage and turned it into a bitter one. Or… maybe there was still something. She touched her belly with her cold hands and watched a dark grey cloud move, slowly turning into a tiny elephant. It wasn’t fair though. Her… their baby deserved a better environment and family than what they had now. And, suddenly, she was beginning to understand why she might have not wanted to give birth to that other child. What did she, an orphan rejected by her own family, know about motherhood?

***

Some say love hurts, but it is never actually the love that hurts. It is people breaking promises and never loving enough. Now that she was looking at herself in the mirror, she could finally understand that she never loved enough, which was good, because she was never loved enough either. She wiped the blood dripping from her nose cringing at every single touch and movement. It was not love what made her entire body hurt. It was the lack of it. It was the obsession she had developed for someone who had never loved her. It was her need to find someone to finally look at herself as a human being with feelings and a lot of emotional baggage, not the pretty face, hot body and huge inheritance. Just her… Kaydel. And for a while, she had hoped and foolishly believed that it was finally happening.

She looked at her swollen lips, bruised neck, bloody red eye and the scratch marks on her cheek. It was not love what made her body look like that or her chest feel that physical pain with each breath. It was her mistake of not keeping her mouth shut and demanding too much from someone who was just plain fucked up. It was her mistake of falling for the lies of a sick man.

She dragged her feet to the hallway. The ringing in her ears had been there ever since she woke up after she fainted after the final blow, but now it was louder than ever and despite her nausea and heavy head, she could now distinguish the familiar sound of her intercom.

“It’s me!”

She clenched her jaw, though something was rather odd about it. Of course, any possible fracture was not much of a surprise following the last six punches she was still able to remember and relive with each movement. Hesitating, she pressed the button allowing her visitor to enter the building before she continued her way to the kitchen. With painful clumsy steps, she reached the cutlery drawer and pulled out the largest knife she could handle. Her bruised wrist and rather odd-looking elbow were not helping her much, yet she still held the knife on her way to the front door. She put on the safety chain and breathed anxiously as she listened carefully to the elevator reaching her floor, then to the footsteps followed by someone knocking.

She opened the door and looked at him with her less battered eye.

“Kay, sorry for not calling, but we need to talk about last night. I have no idea what happened and I don’t wa…”

He stopped as she stepped back, making her bloodied nightgown and all of her wounds visible.

“Kay, what happened to you?” he panicked.

“What happened to me?” she snorted. “ _ You _ happened! Do you really think you can come and apologize after what you’ve done?”

Ben blinked confused and shook his head.

“What are you talking about? Kaydel, this is a huge misunderstanding and we need to talk! Please, let me in!” his voice was cracking, but she did not even flinch.

“What’s a huge misunderstanding? The fact that you tried to murder me last night?” her mask fell and she snapped as tears began streaming down her face, making each wound and scratch hurt even more. “ _ I _ asked you, begged you to just talk and sort things out, but I guess you didn’t hear me as you were already fucking strangling me!”

“Kay, I was home last night!” he said approaching the door. “After you left, I argued with Rey and she asked me for a divorce. I accepted and then went upstairs and slept all night because I was drunk. I never left the house until a few hours ago.”

Kaydel took another step back. She was already in bed when the doorbell rang and was surprised to see Ben. He was indeed clean and sober, but she did not pay attention to such details. Many things about their relationship made no sense, but it had been too beautiful to ruin it with stupid questions. So, without asking anything, as usual, she just invited him in and helped him get undressed.

_ How did you get here so fast? Did she give you her car? _

_ No. I took the train as usual. _

Kaydel tilted her head and shrugged, then sat on his lap and kissed him. Indeed, he did not taste like alcohol as he did just a couple of hours before.

_ I called you, but you didn’t pick up _ , he scolded her grabbing her by the hair and pulling merciless while kissing her neck. As sweet as he seemed before, when they were only friends, in bed, he was quite a wild ferocious beast.

_ I dropped my bag when Rey kicked me out and I didn’t realise until I got home. Good thing I had my keys inside my pocket. _

Ben let go of her hair and furrowed. Kaydel sighed and caressed his face, where his scar was no longer visible. It sure had healed out of the blue.

_ Look, I know I shouldn’t have done that. You said to keep this relationship a secret for a while, but now that Rey saw us kissing and she knows about us, you can finally get a divorce. If that bitch won’t leave you much money to buy that apartment I found, then you can move here with me. _

Ben blinked with his lips parted and grabbed her hair again, this time Kaydel letting out a whimper.

_ Oh, dear… You really shouldn’t have done that. Now I must punish you. _

If in those two months of dating in secret the idea of punishment had always been something rather fun and satisfying, this time, his menacing tone was the first thing to announce what would come once he dragged her into her bedroom.

“Kaydel, I don’t understand!” he cried worried about her mental and physical state. “Why did you kiss me? What relationship? Who are the three of us? Why are you saying I was here last night?”

The three of them? She touched her belly feeling a suspicious numbness after all the punches in the stomach. She had found blood on the sheets, but considering all of her wounds, she could not yet know whether there was anything left of the third one. And it was also rather incredible how she did not even care. She’d been rather cold-blooded and analytical during her younger years, but things changed when she met Ben. Now it was time to go back to her older self. And her older self would not need the noisy crying spawn of a monster to remind her of her foolishness. 

“Wait,” she snarled closing the door and taking off the safety lock. “Come in.”

Ben stepped inside cautiously. The place looked fine, but as far as he could see through the ajar door, her bedroom was an actual crime scene. He looked at her trembling and holding the knife like an animal showing its teeth. If he had learnt anything from his trashy friends from college, it was the fact that one could easily guess how quickly the opponent could get disarmed. In her case, she was barely holding it. The only person she would have hurt, it was herself.

“What’s going on?” he whispered. He seemed so innocent and the complete opposite of the monster who almost killed her in cold blood.

“Don’t do this, Ben. Don’t try to fool me. I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”

“But I don-”

“ _ Don’t  _ lie!” she lifted both her hands pointing the knife at him as he stepped back until he found himself compelled to sit down.

“Kaydel, I’ve been working from home and barely seen you and you know this.”

“No! You chose to work from home to not cause me any trouble. You insisted on keeping everything a secret.”

She stopped for a moment and wept silently.

“And I believed you because it all made sense. You pretended that evening to not know about my supposed date. You even dared to ask me out to dinner and I was actually wondering why on earth a guy whose wife had recently returned from the dead did not want to spend more time with her. But I’ve always been by your side so I didn’t even bother overthinking anything. Then you had the accident and my date suddenly disappeared and kept everything so low key. Ben, you had the guts to watch me cry on my own birthday and never once said anything that maybe the reason why I was so miserable was right there in front of me. You toyed with me and made me fall for you and for what? You were the perfect guy and I was your only support and you ended up treating me like shit like the rest have done my entire life! And what was the point? I used to see you as my best and pretty much only true friend and you had to take advantage of me and use my insecurities and loneliness to seduce me! I even  _ defended  _ you, Ben! Your wife was calling me a whore right in my face and all I cared about was cleaning  _ your  _ image! God, if you did this to me, I can now believe everyone when they said that you were involved in her disappearance! I thought that I was the one who won, but she is the actual winner because she got away!”

“I did nothing to you!” he panicked once more as the knife touched his cheek.

“Did you at least love me the tiniest bit? At least in those moments when you were done supposedly with her and no longer obsessing over her?”

“I did love you… as a friend. You’re wonderful, Kayde, but I’ve never wanted more from you and you know this.”

“Then why the hell did you do this to me?”

He opened his mouth to defend himself once again but gave up. Rey’s accusations, even Phasma’s and now Kaydel’s… was his life more than just work and self-pity? Was he indeed the monster everyone was accusing him of? He saw the look in Luke’s eyes when Margaret Shay’s hospital file showed the details of someone who had died long before the surgery even occurred. Even worse, he had to see Luke’s faith in him drop considerably once his own face revealed that he knew who Kylo Ren, the tall man with dark hair who brought Rey in for the surgery… after she had given birth, truly was. But when did a character he invented for a silly party and kept as part of their kinkiest games became someone so corporeal and capable of taking his own decisions and leading his own separate life? 

“There’s something I don’t understand,” he uttered later when Kaydel was sitting down too. She looked at him while carving something on her coffee table. He tried to not let his worries overwhelm him, though, with his friend’s robotic movements and soulless gaze, it was rather impossible.

“If you say that I’m the one who beat you, then why did you invite me here? If I am the monster you claim I am, then why you did you even let me in? Am I not a danger to you?”

“You are, but I had to take my chance and kill two birds with one stone.”

He furrowed and looked at the large windows. Were those sirens he was hearing?

Kaydel got up and headed towards the front door.

“I called the police as soon as I woke up.”

Luke was getting tired of waiting inside the car, but following their most recent discovery, he let Ben go visit his only friend. The boy was already surprisingly calm for someone who was visibly going through some emotional turmoil. He was so worried about him that he couldn’t even think about what he should do with that information they got about Rey. Or how did the real Margaret end up abused and dead right around the same time Rey needed to hide behind the identity of a lookalike to get away with her initial disappearance? Also, what was the deal with that Kylo Ren? 

He scratched his beard and looked in the rearview mirror. Was that… 

“Hey! Ben!” he ran to the cops arresting his nephew. “Where are you taking him? Ben!”

The boy looked at him with a lost gaze, then at the girl heading towards the ambulance helped by some medical staff and a police officer. She… He had known her for some time, but now, without makeup and battered, she looked exactly like Margaret Shay… and Rey.

Luke looked again at Ben and bit his lip, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Ben, where’s Rey? What have you done to her?”

Ben shrugged like a little boy and teared up, mouthing  _ I don’t know _ .

  
  


***

Rey got up after a long while spent on the dock. Her muscles were sour and she was not sure whether she had fallen asleep with her eyes wide open or if she’d just been numb for hours, watching the clouds change their shapes and colours. She couldn’t just linger there all day long. Maybe Ben was already sober and they could talk without yelling and crying. Just two adults sitting at the table, establishing boundaries and the terms and conditions of their relationship. And it sounded much easier than it was actually going to be.

“Rey!”

She massaged her neck and turned to the one calling her. She hadn’t even recognized his voice.

“How did you find me?”

For a moment, she considered the possibility that maybe her mind was once again playing tricks on her, but as her blurry vision was getting clearer, so was he approaching her. Her heart was beating faster with each step of his and she had to stand up to make sure she would not hug his legs begging for forgiveness. Maybe she’d been wrong about certain things, but she had decided she could not yet forgive his little indiscretion with Kaydel. Not when he had promised her to let the past die only to let their past kill their relationship.

“Why are you here, Ben? You’ve made it clear that you don’t want me in your life anymore.”

“Let’s go home, Rey,” he ordered her.

She shook her head and refused to take his hand.

“That’s not my home. Not anymore.”

“Then let’s go to our  _ real  _ home. The place where we’ve been the happiest.”

What was that supposed to mean? The old Organa house had been sold years ago and it most likely belonged to someone else. But she now did remember the rose garden and how sweet and innocent their love used to be back then. So, even though still refusing to take his hand, she passed by him and headed towards her car, with him following her.

“Wanna drive?” she asked throwing him the keys, which he didn’t catch. Rey smirked. Ben had some excellent reflexes, so maybe he was nervous as well.

He unlocked the car and waited for Rey to get inside before he joined her.

“I must say that I’m glad you came for me,” she said on a neutral tone as her eyes analysed his bruised knuckles. “I guess we have a lot to talk about.”

He said nothing and she pursed her lips. There was something strange about him. He was making her feel uncomfortable with just his simple presence. It was as if his energy was so negative that it was killing any drop of confidence in her body, flooding her with anxiety.

“Is it going to be just the two of us?”

“If you’re asking me whether Kaydel is going to be there, don’t worry about here. She’s no longer going to be part of our life.”

“Our life?” she snorted, though his empty gaze made her clear her throat and avoid continuing to look at him. “So you won’t divorce me?”

“Rey,” he slowed down to cross the bridge. “I know about the baby. Now please stop asking questions until we get home.”

She swallowed all the saliva in her mouth and blinked nervously and slightly tired. But he had said…  _ Oh well… _ She yawned closing her eyes. It was still early in the morning and they had all the time in the world to figure things out. And if that trip was going to be a silent one, she could use some sleep after the night she had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to The Weeknd's 'The Hills' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzTuBuRdAyA)


	24. Take the devil by the hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I have a feeling this chapter has disappointed some people...

“Am I going to die?”

Perhaps a more adequate reaction would have been to wait for the doctor to give all the details, but as soon as he showed her the CT scan, read her file and uttered the diagnosis, she had no longer been able to focus on anything else. She hastily wiped a tear and stood up shaking.

“Tell me, please,” she begged trying to control the cadence of her breath as she was slowly approaching a panic attack. “Am I going to die?”

Her doctor rubbed his eyes after a long night shift full of emergencies and yawned completely unaffected by her distress.

“Maybe or maybe not.”

If that was an answer meant to calm her down and make her see the bright side of her condition, it surely did not make her feel any better.

“You said I have a rare brain tumour. How is a rare brain tumour a maybe not?”

“I said it’s rare in adults, Mrs…”

“Solo.”

“Mrs Solo, this type of tumour is indeed malignant and fast-growing and rare in adults and even more rare in females. You are unlucky,  _ but  _ you did great by coming to see me. Women usually mistake any nausea and balance issue for signs of pregnancy, but it’s rarely a pregnancy… unless you’re a teenager.”

He snorted, but Rey was not amused, so he cleared his throat and looked at the scan again.

“You need treatment and most likely a surgery. I will give you a list of other tests you need before we fix a date and something to help you feel better until then. We don’t want you on the surgery table already paralyzed or anything.”

Rey looked at her hands remembering not being able to use them in the past weeks and her shaky legs. She had been so happy ever since she had married Ben, but especially those past months, and, like those women mentioned by the doctor, she had foolishly believed for a moment that maybe the birth control didn’t work. After all, even someone like her knew that certain foods made it less effective and there had been many days when she completely forgot about taking her pill. But pregnancy was not supposed to make the mother feel as if she was dying and now, there were chances she would never get to experience motherhood after all.

“Oh, God!” she broke down in tears. “What am I going to tell my husband? How am I supposed to go to him and tell him ‘hey, your dad died, your mom died and I lost our baby, but don’t worry, because I will also die.’ It will… it will destroy him.”

The doctor tapped his fingers on the desk, making her look at him. He was very young and quite… cute and charming in an awkward way. It reminded her of Ben when they first met, though the doctor was more confident and his pretty eyes had no trace of empathy, not even compassion in them. He was the type of man who would look at death and shrug instead of cry. It was… strange and somehow admirable. Had Ben been like him, she wouldn’t have worried about his pain in those moments.

“You know, Mrs Solo… I think it’s time to be a little bit more selfish and put yourself first.”

Selfish? But she had been brought up with the idea that selfishness was a sin that eats one’s soul and leaves the body rotten on the inside. And any slightly selfish thought had been excused by her need to protect the ones around her.

“I remember once I told my husband that there were moments when I wanted to escape… leave for three years - one to get used to being far away from home, one to enjoy myself and one to get used to the idea of coming back. Now it sounds like the perfect plan, but I am not even sure if I even have the time to pack my bags.” 

She sniffed and her doctor finally showed a compassionate smirk. He was probably perceiving her as a silly girl, knowing very well that she would survive the surgery.

“My work hours are over, but if you need to talk, sometimes a stranger is better than a friend. We’re less judgemental and very desperate for a cup of coffee.”

Oh, he really was charming. Rey gulped not understanding how her misery was suddenly under the anaesthesia of seduction. Whatever he was doing to distract her, it was working much better than his lame jokes. Therefore, a cup of coffee couldn’t hurt anyone, though she prefered tea.

Rey touched the scar on the back of her head, looking at her cup of tea. The tea was exactly like Maz’s perfect blend of ginger and mint with only one teaspoon of linden honey. She licked her lips and touched the table where her name was still carved - ‘Rey Solo’, from back when it was only a childish dream of hers to marry that weird tall guy with dark hair and a preference for peaches. He was right somehow. She had been the happiest in that house… as a child, when she had no worries. After her auntie’s death, she had to become a full-time adult and her life was never the same. At twelve years old, when asked about her future plans or how she would see herself in ten years, she would have innocently answered something about marriage and a big family. But her twenty-two-year-old self ended up an orphan with an estranged brother, an already miscarried baby and a brain tumour. The only thing she had truly achieved was marrying the man of her dreams and turning her passion for cooking and Maz’s legacy into a blossoming business. Except she was rather unsure if her business was going to survive the repercussions of her and Rose’s falling out, which left her with only Ben and the baby. Though, ever since he had dropped her at Maz’s old house, she had seen him mostly from the window, when he combed her hair each morning and night and when they ate the meals she prepared after Maz’s old recipes. For the rest of the day, he was usually either tending the garden, chopping wood for the cold nights or doing the shopping, while she remained inside all the time. At night, he was always sleeping in the boys’ old room. It was as if they were playing the roles of a family as seen through the eyes of a child. Furthermore, he barely spoke to her being rather pensive and unwilling to waste energy on small talk. Perhaps he was waiting for something. Perhaps for her to adapt? Were they going to move back there permanently for the sake of their marriage and baby? Or was he still upset about her affair and accusations?

“Thanks, dearie,” smiled Phasma taking the strawberry cake for her daughter’s birthday party and putting it inside the fridge while Rey was carefully placing the finger sandwiches on Minnie Mouse-themed plates. She just nodded still thinking about what happened the previous day. Now that she was no longer sipping tea with the cute doctor with the green eyes, she was no longer calm. She was once again fearful and desperate. Would it had been better for her to be completely ignorant of her condition and just die in her sleep?

“What’s with those?”

Rey flinched and looked at her bruised wrists.

“Oh…”

“Your husband?” she asked on a neutral tone.

“Yeah. We… let’s say our night didn’t end as planned.”

“Is this why you’re upset?”

“No,” she shook her head slowly feeling rather disgusted by her own food. “I’m… I just feel like leaving this town and never coming back. Which I might eventually do.”

Phasma smirked and Rey had learnt from attending some of her private parties that it was her way of revealing without words that she knew more than everyone thought. But as she never enjoyed those parties, except for some things she and Ben got to try out in the intimacy of their home, there was nothing that would make her ask Phasma to open her mouth and reveal God knew what atrocity. However, Phasma needn’t be asked.

“Dearie, are you fucking my-” 

Rey got up and washed her empty cup of tea, then went upstairs, where Maz’s bedroom was just as when she was still alive. The bedspread had many intricate images, the walls were covered in photographs and paintings done by Maz, the small table by the window and the two nightstands had doilies made by Maz’s mother and were separating the wooden surface from the many porcelain trinkets gathered in her adventures across the globe. 

She pursed her lips with a disgusted look on her face. Maybe it was because she could not remember everything just yet, but despite the joy she felt sleeping in there those past days, there was still something not right about that place. The entire house didn’t feel right. She could swear that she had taken many of Maz’s belongings when she moved out and sold the house. Even if he had taken them back from their home, then how did he knew exactly where to place each item? Yes, he had lived there for some time, but he was too young to remember such things. It was impossible to recreate them based on her recounts as well. And where did he get the money to buy that house back? Everyone made sure she was aware of his financial struggles and only recently they’ve managed to get back on their feet to afford more than just monthly bills and a date every now and then.

Slightly bored, she left Maz’s bed and entered the old nursery. It was the only room almost completely redecorated. The many cribs were now gone, with only a new white one placed by the open window. But she didn’t care about the crib or the rocking chair or the giant plushies, which was odd considering that she was pregnant and that Ben had done that for her and the baby. Instead, her eyes focused on the wallpaper, the only remaining unchanged thing. It had all sort of fruit and vegetables drawn on it and Maz had always refused to replace it or clean it because each drawing represented a child. One big peanut and a smaller one for her and Finn, two cherries for the twins, an orange for her cooper-haired bully, lemons for… Lemons? 

“And right here we have your tiny lemon.”

Rey covered her mouth and watched fascinated the clear shape of her baby. She had made the appointment for a check-up routine weeks prior, but with her doctor being away on vacation, she had almost forgotten about it. Ultimately, after that terrible diagnosis, she had no reason to further believe that her symptoms had anything to do with anything else except the tumour. But she was told to consider visiting her gynaecologist after her latest test results and now, she was looking at the shape of her baby and was listening to the doctor describing it. It had fingers and toes and a spine and a huge head like its dad. 

“What’s that?” she chuckled getting distracted from estimating with her fingers the 7,85 centimetres her baby was measuring.

“It’s your baby’s heart, my dear.”

“Can you see if it’s a boy or a girl?”

The doctor narrowed her eyes and pushed her glasses back up her nose.

“It’s a bit early, b-”

“No, wait!” she grabbed her doctor’s wrist. “I want it to be a surprise for when I’ll come here with my husband.”

The doctor laughed and she carried on with her explanations as Rey kept staring at her… it wasn’t a tadpole-like the baby she had lost before. And referring to it as a ‘lemon’ was not cute at all. She looked at the baby’s nose, chuckling at the idea of Ben panicking over their child inheriting his nose.

_ Oh, Ben…  _ She sighed biting her lip. She couldn’t wait to tell him about their baby peach. Oh, yes! Peach! That was so much cuter than ‘lemon’. Except there was still an important detail to discuss.

“In case I can’t keep the baby, is it too late for an abortion?” she asked masochistically deciding to look at the empty side of the glass once again.

“Would your husband not want the baby after all?”

“Oh, I’m sure she wants it. I mean… he might whine about me being too young, but he’s such a big softy. I’m sure he will cry and then carry me in his arms during the entire pregnancy. The problem is… I have a brain tumour,” she uttered tearing up more as a reminder to herself, though her doctor was already giving her a compassionate smile.

Rey covered her mouth as she gasped and fell on the floor with her fingers clenched around the crib rail. It made no sense. She had speculated that perhaps it was Ben’s baby and she didn’t want it or he took it away from her, but nothing added up. She had yelled at her jailer that he was not the father, but her jailer had been Ben or… She had previously mistaken their wild night for him abusing her and now that she was analysing each detail of her returning memories, she could see that he had always worn a mask. But she had also said that she didn’t want her baby to be born after being so excited about finally being pregnant. If only she had her diary to help her put everything together!

Feeling her head heavy, she laid on the floor and looked at the tulip-shaped ceiling light, embracing another memory.

“Mrs Solo, what a surprise to see you here again. I was not announced that you have an appointment and my shift is already over for today.”

“Oh, no,” she shook her head barely hiding her happiness. “I’m here about something else.”

“And that something else is making you this happy? I don’t think I’ve seen you smile like this before. It makes me jealous.”

Rey giggled a little flattered by his useless flirting attempts.   
“Yeah, doc… I just… I’m pregnant!” she clapped joyfully. Though, despite her contagious grin, the doctor did not share her happiness. He pursed his lips looking rather disgusted and Rey lowered her gaze.

“Sorry,” he shook his head and smiled. “That’s great, I guess, but I hope you’re not going to…”

Rey furrowed tilting her head.

“Your health comes first.”

She licked her lips and nodded as her eyes were getting watery once again.

“I know, but I want this baby. I  _ need  _ it.”

“Risking your own life?”

She ignored her doctor’s tone. It was obvious that he could not understand her maternal instinct for that peach and she could never expect him to ever understand her. Though, she was still bothered by the implications of his words. She would not abort that baby, nor she would risk her life.

“Actually,” she continued. “My obstetrician said that there have been cases of women in my condition and they’ve managed to carry the pregnancy full term. Well… not full-full term, but far enough to have a healthy baby and then have the surgery. She told me to ask you for more information as you are the expert, but if you ever suggest that my baby is not important enough or worth any sacrifice, then I can go find another doctor.”

The doctor took a step back and his surprised and slightly hurt gaze made her heart skip a beat. 

“I’m sorry,” she sighed.

“No, _ I _ ’m sorry. Any other doctor would give you the same answer, Mrs Solo, but you’re right. However, it’s my job to make sure that I don’t lose you. After all, you’re my patient. I would be quite a terrible doctor if I let you die.”

Rey smiled feeling more relaxed now that he was joking again.

“And excuse me for interfering in your personal life once more, but what did your husband say about all of these… changes?”

“He doesn’t know anything yet,” she shrugged. “He’s been worried about my headaches and he insisted on me coming to see you, but I’m… I’m still not too sure how to tell him about the tumour. I think I’m going to keep it a secret for a little while. I would have preferred going through the surgery without telling him anything, but now that I also have to think about the baby’s safety, it’s so much more complicated.” 

“Here,” she heard his voice and watched him take out a business card from his wallet. “You have here my number in case you need me for my services when I’m not here. Or if you need a friend.”

Rey took the business card and looked at it reading the phone number and the details written in golden cursive letters.

“Thank you so much. I’ll tell Ben about the baby tonight, but about the surgery and treatment… Look, my husband mustn’t know about this. Ok? It will be our own little secret. At least for a little while. I don’t want it to overshadow our happiness.”

She was now holding his hand, feeling overwhelmed with a mixture of desperation and joyfulness, while he was brushing his thumb against her skin.

“Just you and I,” he chuckled agreeing with her terms. “Our secret.”

***

“I have no idea how much time I’ve got left on this planet, but listen to me. As long as I am still alive, you better keep your ass out of jail, boy! And your dick away from pretty little women.”

Ben looked at his uncle with an empty gaze, then signed the last paper and put the pen down as the officer gave him back his belongings. Once he was handcuffed in Kaydel’s apartment, he was sure that it was finally happening and that he would no longer escape jail. However, instead of being informed that he had indeed been in a relationship with her and that he was the actual monster responsible for her and Rey’s suffering, his drunk guardian angel came in to announce him that despite his face appearing on the security cameras in Kaydel’s building, the DNA traces and fingerprints left by her abuser were most definitely not his.

“Did you find anything about Rey’s whereabouts?”

“No… Your pretty little wife has vanished and I don’t like at all. Rose said they’ve argued and that she last saw her the same night you did. But I did get her diary when I went to feed your cat.”

_ Poor Bee _ , sighed Ben.

“And I also did the research you asked me to do.”

Ben’s eyes widened and he parted his lips before biting his lower lip nervously. He was not sure he wanted to know.

“There was only one living case and I asked them if we can t-”

“I don’t think it should necessarily concern or involve me.”

“Maybe it should. Let’s go.”

“No, Luke! I want to go home, take a shower, take care of my cat and mind my life as if I had never met Rey. If she ran away, then good for her. It will be easier to grant her the divorce.”

Already tired of the Solo’s drama, Luke grabbed his nephew by the shoulders, ignoring the height difference and squeezed him to keep himself from slapping some sense in his whiny ass.

“I found a camera hidden on your porch. Someone has been spying on you and you won’t set foot in that house before my men search the entire house for microphones and other hidden cameras. So you better stop worrying about your cat and start worrying about whoever has been trying to bury you alive. So you either come with me to the hospital or our partnership ends here.”

***

Sometimes a serene face is more heartbreaking than one carrying the fresh marks of abuse. Kaydel’s pretty face was still bruised, but now that she was asleep, without any rage distorting her features, she was just an innocent girl. She was not supposed to be there and end up like that. She was just a victim.

She sniffed and mumbled something in her sleep, then turned slightly to her right. She was thirsty, but her hand was being held down by something heavy, not letting her grab the glass of water. However, the weight holding her down suddenly vanished and she felt the cold water glass touching her sensitive skin. She was not alone. She parted her lips and slowly opened her eyes. For one moment, she thought that she was too weak to move, but her instincts were stronger and quicker than anything else and she jumped startled, throwing the glass on the floor and reaching the emergency button.

“Wait, please!” he gently put his hand over her bruised arm. “It’s  _ me _ .”

She narrowed her eyes and noticed the scar and a small tattoo behind his neck, just behind his ear. She exhaled loudly and looked at him with a suggestive look. Ben let go of her arm and cupped his hands between his legs as he leaned in.

“How are you?”

“Fantastic,” she snorted, though her ribs were now hurting. “Did come to bring me my bag?”

“Your bag?”

“Yeah, I dropped it when Rey kicked me out.”

Ben shrugged.

“I don’t know. To be honest, I was in jail.”

They looked at each other for a few moments until Ben smirked awkwardly. Kaydel lowered her eyes on his hands carrying no bruises after the punches she had received. She could not admit yet that she had been a fool for believing whoever that other Ben Solo was, because, after all, she did not know Ben that well to notice the differences between the two of them. The scar could have easily been masked with foundation, whereas she had rarely noticed the tattoo and her mind never bothered remembering that detail. However, she should have figured it out that it was more than just hiding from Rey that made their relationship a secret mess. It was the plain simple fact that he couldn’t risk being seen at the same time the real Ben Solo was around.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered with teary eyes.

“Honestly, I do forgive you, but I need to understand more. What happened, Kay? The fingerprints and DNA were clearly not mine, but the face I saw in that security footage was.”

“I have no idea,” she shook her head. “At this point, I really don’t know anything. He said he was you and acted like you, though more aggressive, as you can see.”

Ben looked once again at her scratches and bruises, then licked his lips.

“I heard about your baby. I’m truly sorry.”

“I’m not like Rey and you, Ben,” she rolled her eyes. “I liked the idea of having a family with the man I loved, who supposedly had been longing to be a father for years. But, after all, I wasn’t really in love with him, he was literally not the man I thought he was, and I am not maternal. When my parents adopted me, they did it just to have a kid around, but I don’t really know what it's like to experience a bond between a child and parent.”

Ben chewed the inside of his cheek and analysed the shape of her lips and her nose, though after the abuse she had endured, it had an odd shape and colour, then her chin and the way her eyelashes curved. He was now visualising three other faces with similar traits. One made him feel sick, one made him feel hollow and one made his heart skip a beat.

“Sorry for asking, but do you know anything about your birth family?”

She raised an eyebrow, once again regretting immediately any gesture that reminded her body of her abuse.

“My parents and two sisters died in a fire. I’ve never bothered investigating more as I don’t care about any distant cousins.”

What were the odds?

“I… I need to go back to Luke now, but I promise I’ll search the house for your bag.”

“Please. I have all the data in my phone stored in the cloud, but I would hate to wait so long to get new papers and cards.”

“I know,” he chuckled and squeezed her fingers.

“Do you think we can still be friends?” she asked putting her other hand on his.

Ben would have normally told her no, but this time, he felt a special type of warmth in his chest. She was so fragile and an actual innocent victim in whatever was going on. If he were to trust Luke’s gut, everything was connected and nothing was a coincidence. They all deserved justice. 

“Yes, but I think I might need your help with something.”

***

When another cramp kicked in, Rey got up from the floor and looked around. The old nursery was rather eerie looking now that it was night and the only light source were the light poles outside. She had fallen asleep after crying for hours or maybe she had fainted after the terrible headache that came with the latest memory. 

“Ow,” she whimpered getting up. She needed to go to the bathroom. Her back and head had been hurting like hell those past days, but now she was getting cramps as well.

She pulled down her jeans and undies, then she gasped staring at the red-brownish stains. She panicked for a moment but fought the impulse to run to wherever Ben was and tell him to take her to the hospital because nothing was signalling the same symptoms she felt when she lost her first baby. Instead, it was rather comfortable in a certain way and the back pain was almost entirely gone. Moreover, she was very calm. After all, she had never taken that pregnancy test and by the looks of it, her late period was nothing but a late period. Indeed, it was disappointing to find out that she had put all of her hopes and dreams in something that never existed, but maybe it was better. She and Ben needed to sort things out. The only reason why he came after her was because he too thought she was pregnant, but, as far it concerned the both of them, they never got to discuss her stupid demand of getting divorced.

She stopped as she was covering her panties with some toilet paper and remembered something. He admitted to having been with Kaydel that day when he saw her with the pregnancy test, but when she got home, Ben had been cooking the entire time. How… 

Rey shook her head and went to the staircase, where her jacket and bag were hanging like when she was a kid. She opened the bag to get a pad, but instead of finding her usual stuff, she found a fancy wallet, a different pregnancy test than the one she had bought and a phone vibrating like crazy. She took out the phone, which unlocked immediately, despite not being hers. That was odd. She pressed on the green phone on the screen and looked at the missing calls. Many names she did not know and then two caller IDs with Ben’s name. Rolling her eyes, she looked at the one which had a heart by its name but did not recognize the number. Then she looked at the one with the smiley face, which was indeed her husband’s number. She pressed on his name and waited.

“Hey, where are you?”

She heard his breath and then a loud whimper.

“Rey?”

“Yes, Ben. Who else?” she snorted, then her smile vanished as she realised once again that that was not her phone, but probably Kaydel’s.

“Thank, God!” he sighed relieved, though his tone quickly turned into something angry and desperate. “Rey where are you!? Everyone’s been looking for you like crazy!”

She furrowed and licked her lips. He  _ truly  _ sounded desperate and she suddenly felt a pain in her stomach as she stood there frozen while the front door was getting unlocked. 

“I’m home?” she said on a low voice.

“Rey, I’m home!” she heard a voice coming from the entrance hallway.

“Rey, I’m home and you’re definitely not here! There’s something sick going on and I know that we’re not each other’s favourite people right now, but w-”

“Ben?” she whimpered as her husband appeared in front of her. His smile vanished as he saw her terrified face and the phone she was holding, then his serene face turned menacing. She gulped now observing the missing scar and the many small details giving him away. He was shorter, less well-built, had smaller hands, the tiny freckles were missing, the moles were out of places and even the shade of his skin was slightly different. And his eyes… oh, they were so hollow as if he was wearing contacts. And even though his hair was wavy, it was lacking the tiny curls, the soft thick texture and it was not the same shade of black.

She gulped as his fists clenched and tried to focus on her husband’s voice.

“Maz, I think I’ve been abducted.”

As she spoke the last word, the last thing she saw was that man’s face approaching her. She tried to run back upstairs, but he grabbed her by her clothes and hair, pulling her back. Her feet no longer felt the stairs beneath them until her body hit the ground and everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to the song 'Oh woman, oh man' by London Grammar (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVQqmH4ufCQ)


	25. Simmer simmer simmer down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Following some negative feedback, ironically, and also because of my hectic schedule, I've decided to post this chapter sooner. I'm not completely satisfied with it, though I've promised to deliver a satisfying reveal and I'm sure some people will express their disappointment again, but I had a plan and I sticked to it. Also, the 25th chapter was meant to be the last one and there are going to be a couple more, despite my plan of finishing this story in December 2019. So I want to focus on my stuff for a couple of days and then put all of my energy and soul in creating the path to the happy ending I promised.

“I cannot believe it!” laughed Rey wiping her wet hands on the red scarf she got from Finn for Christmas. Her lovely husband had been so shy and a little bit of a prude minutes earlier and now he was surprising her as usual. He hadn’t bought her any tea, but by the looks of it, their date night was already over and they were about to enjoy a very passionate night together.

Rey licked her lips and approached him.

“Hellooo, Kylo Ren,” she purred with a big smile on her face as she suggestively grabbed his middle finger. “Are you here to kidnap me and tie me up?”

He chuckled behind the mask and nodded once, then opened the car door for Rey to get inside. He then joined her and started the engine, taking her far away from the fair. Rey played his game for a while and stood quietly, only looking outside the window, but it was so dark that she could barely see anything and she was too excited to just stay still. She sighed bored and looked for her purse on the backseat only to find it empty. So maybe it was in the trunk? She looked again outside the window and pursed her lips. Where were they? Ben couldn’t drive too fast as there were no streetlights and the snow and ice were already making driving dangerous enough.

She furrowed. They had been to the place where the fair was being held and they had never taken that route. In fact, they were already supposed to be in the town, not so deep in the woods or wherever they were.

“Are we going to get home soon?” she uttered chewing on her lip. He didn’t answer, so she insisted on trying to make small talk. “Is my phone in the trunk with my bag?”

Kylo Ren ignored her again and she rolled her eyes.

“I know I’m the one who loves these games the most but are you really going to be quiet the entire time?” she whined massaging her nape. “And can you even see with that mask?”

Rey reached for the mask, but as soon as she touched it, Kylo Ren lifted his elbow and hit her in the face. She gasped for air as she heard something crack and the blood started flowing from her nose. The punch made her head hurt again despite all the medicine she was on. Why did he hit her? What was going on? 

She reached for the door, but he immediately locked it. She needed air, so she pressed the button to open the window while pulling the scarf which was now suffocating her. She blindly wiped her nose with the scarf and tried to breathe some fresh air, but the car was going so fast now that the blizzard snatched her scarf, making it disappear somewhere above the tall trees. The air was not helping after all and she felt her eyes closing on their own. As she was slowly losing her consciousness, he pulled her back and closed the window.

That _couldn’t _have been part of the game.

***

That was the cage of her nightmares and she was once again locked in it. The only difference was that during those dreadful three years, she had never realised that her prison was the bunker under Maz’s house, the one that had saved her life during the earthquake that killed so many people, including Ben’s grandparents. Yeah, she could see it now. The mattress had the same floral pattern as any other mattress in the house, the sheets were the same as the one in the boys’ room, the bed was the same as in the girls’ room and the rocking chair had been moved from the old drawing-room. Even the blanket covering her body was one of Maz’s special quilts she used to make each year with either the new kids or the ones leaving her house.

So when he said that they were going back home, it wasn’t just about her childhood, but about those three years, he had stolen from her. And now she could remember everything. 

The first time she had woken up in that basement, she thought that it was a bad dream or maybe a bad joke, rejecting any possibility of that being her new reality. She tried to reach the door, but her leg was chained and she could not move farther than the edge of the bed. It was ridiculous! She could need to use the toilet anytime soon and the toilet was in a tiny room with no door across her cage.

“Hello? Ben?” she called without any answer in return, then turned to the nearest wall she could reach, punching it with her weak fists. ‘Help! Please! Help!”

Just when she thought she had lost any hope and tears were stinging her eyes, the door was unlocked and a still masked Ben entered the room, carrying a tray of food.

“This is not funny!” she grabbed a bun and threw it at him. “Let me go, Ben!”

“I’m not Ben,” he said on his coarse Kylo Ren voice.

“Whatever,” she rolled her eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you to hit me like that and bring me here? Have you gone mad? I don’t care if this is your idea of a kinky game. I don’t like it.”

“It’s not a game,” he said sitting on the rocking chair. “You’re my guest.”

She furrowed confused and too afraid to touch her throbbing nose.

“Ben, stop it,” she begged him rather tired. “I’m in no condition to… I wanted it to tell you in a more romantic way, but I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby.”

She looked at him with big eyes, but he did not even flinch. He just stood there like a statue.

“Are you not happy? Why aren’t you saying anything?”

He kept staring at her from behind the mask, making her feel uncomfortable and gradually more and more terrified. She lifted her sweater and put her palms on her belly.

“We’re going to have a tiny peach.”

“I know.”

Rey blinked and parted her lips to say something, but didn’t know what exactly to say. Was he mad or just mad about something? Did he find out about her flirting with the cute doctor? But she didn't really mean it. He knew that he was the only man she could ever love. He always had. 

“Where are we?” she dared ask.

“Home.”

His energy was now so eerie that she was barely keeping herself from hiding under the blanket. There was no trace of her husband in that man in front of her.

“Why am I here?” she whimpered tearing up.

He tilted his head and Rey avoided his gaze, despite not actually being able to see his eyes.

“I told you. You’re my guest. You’re going to stay here and I’ll make sure you will never leave me.”

Never leave? But her treatment and the baby and… 

“You can’t be serious, Ben.”

He got up and she drew back, afraid of him hitting her again.

“I’m _ Kylo Ren_. And the only one to blame for this situation is your selfish behaviour, my sweet liar. Until I am sure that you’re finally going to learn to behave and not ever leave me, I’ll keep you here and work on you to make you my perfect little doll. Don’t worry, Rey. I’ll fix you. I promise.”

Fix her? But she was not broken. She was just young, confused, pregnant and maybe dying.

Rey checked the bruise on her back and hissed when she touched the healing yet still fresh scratches on her back. She had been a fool back then to believe that Kylo Ren hitting her in the car was an isolated and unfortunate event. The first days, she had been too confused and terrified to react, so she just ate and cried from time to time. But she had been raised as an active person, always doing something to keep herself occupied, so it didn’t take her long to snap. She eventually turned into a lion locked in a suffocating cage, growling and throwing pillows. She hadn’t been able to fall asleep anymore and using a chamber pot while still being chained was humiliating. Not to mention that he had refused to let her bathe or at least shower. That was no life and nothing made sense. Even prisoners locked up for crimes had more liberties and rights. Oh, how she already missed the sun!

So, probably weeks later, as she could estimate based on the growing size of her peach, she did something that she would have normally never done. Especially considering that she was beginning to doubt the identity of the man behind the mask because nothing about him resembled Ben. He seemed shorter and skinnier and his deep Kylo Ren voice had some odd inflexions which he never had before.

However, once he entered the room with her lunch, she waited for him to sit down and watch her eat. With her belly full of nutrients for her peach, she then crawled to him and kneeled in front of him. She gulped, then put her hands on his thighs and proceeded to unzip his pants. He said nothing and did not react as her trembling hands were trying to seduce him. She was about to ignore the pain in her leg as the heavy chain was pulling her back, solely to reach his member and carry on with her plan. But as her lips approached him, he got up and pulled her up by her hair, as well. Once he threw her on the bed, she panicked, fearing that she had officially invited him to rape her for the rest of her confinement, but he seemed to have other plans as Kylo Ren slapped her until she could no longer feel her face.

“If you want to make my job easier, then say it so and I’ll tear that thing out of your womb right now!”

Rey shook her head and started weeping.

“As long as you insist on giving birth to that thing, don’t you dare touch me! It’s enough that I have to bear watching you destroy yourself for _ his _child!”

Maybe she was in too much pain to react in any other way that was not crying and mumbling prayers, but her mind was still a hard-working engine. She had failed her mission, but at least she knew one thing for sure - that was _not _Ben Solo and, no matter how scary it was, at least it gave her hope. Hope that the real Ben was looking for her. Ben, Finn, Rose, Luke and maybe even her most faithful clients. She was not alone.

As if sensing the sudden explosion of confidence in her body, Kylo Ren grabbed her face with his gloved hand and seemed to look her in the eyes. Had it not been for the chain and the growing belly making her movements more difficult, maybe she could have kicked him in the right spot to weaken him and then somehow get the key to escape that place.

“You’re smarter than this,” he threatened her. “_ My _ Rey is a good obedient girl. Don’t disappoint me and thank me for still feeding you and his progeny.”

Rey tried to nod, but she was not able to move. She let out an inhuman sound as she felt the vomit emerging, whereas her eyes were no longer seeing anything, despite being wide open. 

When she woke up again, she found herself connected to a medical device and with a needle stuck in her arm. She was still dizzy, but at least the pain was gone for the moment.

“Who are you?”

She parted her lips and focused on the soft voice coming from that someone sitting on the bed. It was a girl, maybe younger than her, but looking much older. She was pale and had the lost gaze of a madwoman. And even though her clothes were clean, it was quite clear that she was not comfortable in the floral dress. Moreover, she kept pulling her ribbon, ruining her own perfectly styled hair.

“Rey Solo,” she whispered dying for some water.

“I’m Margaret Shay. Are you new here?”

What did she mean?

“Is he giving you the good stuff?”

Rey’s eyes grew wider and she now could see how much the girl looked like her. There were tiny details, but they were clear as day and it couldn’t have been just a mere coincidence.

“Oh, you have a baby!” she clapped like a lost child. “I had one too, but he said the bad stuff killed it. Now I’m a good girl.”

Was she on drugs?

“Who is he, Margaret?” she tried to get up on her elbows. “Why am I here?”

“I don’t remember his name. But I must be good or else he makes the pain come back and if you’re here, then I can’t be here.”

She made no sense, but it was obvious that she was unwell. Margaret got up and left the room as Rey watched her in shock and unsure whether she had been nothing but a hallucination or just a reminder of what her destiny would be like if she remained there. 

The next time she saw Margaret, she snuck inside her cell as she was staring at the ceiling and singing to her baby. This time, Margaret was less presentable but sober and nervous. 

“I thought you were just a dream,” she whimpered as her hands were shaking and Rey saw that she was full of bruises. “Listen, you need to get out of here. My boyfriend has gone mad and I think he wants to get rid of me and replace me with you. He keeps talking about his new project and how she won’t be trash like me. You can’t stay here. He’ll destroy you and your baby.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know!” whined Margaret. “When he took me in, he said he would repair everything that’s broken about me, but he ended up treating me either like a doll or his personal punching bag. I want out and you better get out too.”

“Do you know how to escape this place?” she got up with a large smile on her face.

“I used to get out all the time, but now everything is locked. Even the windows. I’ll go check and come back for you, ok?”

“But the chain?” she showed her the heavy chain around her ankle and Margaret suddenly deflated.

“I… I’ll see,” she sighed.

Rey watched her leave the room and resumed her singing. She was no longer connected to any medical devices, but she still had a needle helping her stay hydrated and docile. Judging by how sleepy she had been, he was most likely feeding her all sorts of sedatives to keep her from trying to do anything. Such as escape. 

“_ Lavender’s blue, dilly dilly, lavender’s green… When you are king, dilly dilly, I shall be queen, _” she touched her growing belly. “We’ll be out soon, my love. I promise.” 

Rey inhaled seeking to put out the fire burning her on the inside and wiped her tears. That same day, she heard the door getting unlocked and, sedated as she was, she found herself speaking to ‘Margaret’ without even looking at the door. It was only the odd silence that made her turn her head. Her vision was blurry, but she knew on the spot that the tall black figure was certainly not her saviour, but her jailer. He immediately slammed the door and she closed her eyes falling asleep.

She never knew what exactly had happened to the poor Margaret Shay, but Kylo Ren’s behaviour changed in the following weeks. He was gifting her pencils, papers, books and magazines, which helped her understand how much time had passed, though she was not completely sure whether they were new or not. He also replaced the chain with a longer and thinner one and now let her bathe without him spying on her. In exchange, she had to let him brush her hair and not say much. However, every once in a while, she had an outburst and he would slap her and tie her down to sedate her until she was docile again. For the sake of her baby, she had been willing to endure anything, but her anger and the pain inside her head were growing each day as her baby did, making her more frustrated and desperate.

One day, after finishing sewing up a toy elephant, she found herself in need for something she hadn’t had in a long time. She hesitated at first, trying to establish which time of the day it was so that Kylo Ren would not walk in on her. Her tray was still untouched on the table, so he was not going to check up on her until a bit later, so she had enough time. She took off her underwear and closed her eyes remembering Ben’s lips, his kisses, his touches and the way he used to make love to her. She let out a shy moan as she touched herself, thirsty for affection and her husband’s touch. Eventually, she ended up so caught up in the waves of pleasure that she never heard the door getting unlocked. When she opened her eyes again, while she was catching her breath, he was sitting proudly in the rocking chair. She immediately pulled down her maternity dress and got up.

“I would normally punish you for such behaviour, but I’m going to be nice today.”

She furrowed and pulled the dress over her knees.

“What do you want from me?”

“You. Just you”, he stood up and approached her. “It will take time, I know, but once you’ll understand that I’m the only one who truly loves you and wants to save your soul, you’ll be my perfect Rey.”

“How can you say that you love me if you’re keeping me a prisoner and want to harm my baby?”

“I don’t want to harm your baby”, he spoke on a soft voice. “I just hate it that you love it more than you love yourself.”

“Isn’t that a natural thing for a mother?” she snorted. “If you know me as you claim you do, then you should know that I’ve always wanted to be a mother and have the family I never had. Whatever is this, it’s not what I want.”

“But it could be”, he insisted putting his hand on her thigh and Rey cringed at his touch. “I could accept that thing you love so much. I could be its father, but only if you give in and accept being mine.”

He took off one of his gloves, allowing Rey to notice how different his hands were from Ben’s, then he grabbed her neck with his still gloved hand, whereas the other slid between her legs.

“Yo-you said you won’t touch me as long as I’m carrying _his _child”, she gasped panicking and pushed his hand in vain as he ignored the fear in her eyes and dug his two fingers inside her.

“And I won’t, but if I’m willing to accept that baby as mine, I could change my mind.”

Rey stared at him terrified as he continued rubbing her insides until she came. She let out a loud gasp and he let her go, laughing with pride.

“See? You’re already mine!”

“You’re a monster!” she cried and threw at him everything she could find. “I am not yours, Kylo Ren! And this isn’t your baby and you can’t keep me here as your own doll for the rest of my life! I will get out of here and make sure that you’ll pay for everything and never ever lay another hand on me, you monster!”

He was already approaching the door when he turned to face her. She wondered for a moment if he was going to slap her again, but he just laughed.

“We’ll see.”

Fortunately, he never again dared to touch her like that again, but unfortunately, he kept on pretending as if she was his. Suddenly, he started coming to check on her while she was asleep and lying next to her, caressing her swollen belly. It took her a lot of courage to swallow her anger and disgust and not move, pretending that she was still asleep, but as his visits became more frequent and the pain in her body more unbearable, she snapped again. She was awake when he laid next to her, but waited patiently until he seemed to have fallen asleep. All the things she had access to were inoffensive and could not help her. Besides, the mask was fastened with belts as she could see, so it was too risky to even try unmasking him in order to use the pillow to suffocate him. However, his neck was exposed and even though her hands were strong, she was too weak from all the meds and the pregnancy to strangle him in his sleep. So the only things left were her pencils. He never allowed her to keep the sharpener and always had to sharpen them in his presence, the same with the scissors and needles, but he never said anything about how pointy the pencils were. She analysed his neck, then took her out her pencils and, after a deep breath, she stabbed him. He let out a loud whimper after the first hit, but was too sleepy to understand what was happening, leaving time for Rey to attack him again. But just when she thought that her plan was about to work, he grabbed her hand in midair and immobilized her. It was quite dark in the room, so their fight was something messy and desperate, each one of them trying to overpower the other. Though, despite Kylo Ren’s punctured flesh, he was still stronger, taller, healthier and… not pregnant. So when he grabbed her head, Rey was sure that his first intent was to snap her neck. It came as a surprise that he ended up waiting for a couple of moments to calm down before blindly pushing her on the bed. He ran to turn on the main light and then returned to her with a menacing vibe, his clenched fists relaxing only when he saw her in pain. He had pushed her straight in the metal pipe of the footboard and now she was cupping her belly, barely breathing. She looked at him, begging him for help, but after her betrayal, he just snorted with arrogance and left her crying.

During the entire night, she had hoped that the pain would go away, but it was getting much worse and once her water broke and the contractions started kicking in, she knew that there wasn’t much left. But it was still so early! She was in her thirteenth week when she was abducted and based on the dates on the magazines, she was barely reaching her thirty-second week.

“I don’t want it to be born”, she cried when he entered the room again. “I don’t want it! It’s too early! My baby won’t survive and I don’t want it to grow up here either.”

He helped her get back on the bed without saying a word of encouragement. Her vision was already blurry as her head seemed to be about to explode with each contraction, but she saw that he was now wearing scrubs. She let him shove that needle back in her arm as her body was getting numb with pain and could no longer move. She barely had the energy to stay awake while she pushed, but at least she got to take a glimpse at her baby… even though her baby peach was not even crying.

Rey grabbed the oranges from the bowl on the table and threw them at the door letting out a beastly growl. She could remember perfectly how she cried and begged him to let her see the baby cooing in his arms. How dared he touch her baby and rock it as if he was the father or someone loving and carrying. 

“Is she… Please… please, don’t do this…”

He shushed both her and the cooing creature in his arms.

“It’s the only way, sweetheart.”

Of course Ben had no idea what she was talking about back then when she told him about this memory. It was not his evil old cat being euthanized! It was _ their _baby being taken away from her as punishment. Her little… girl? Yes. It was a girl. She saw her for a moment when he lifted her to cut the umbilical cord. Oh, how small she was and so fragile.

_ But what happened to her? s _he nervously scratched her scalp.

After the birth, she had been asleep for a long time. She was not sure whether it was coma or if she had been kept sedated, but when she finally woke up, her head was bandaged and she could barely move her fingers, let alone the rest of her body. Her mind was fuzzy and for a long time she could not focus on anything. Kylo Ren kept spoon-feeding her and washing her body until she became strong enough to start her physical recovery. He was now almost every single hour in her cage, checking how often and hard she could squeeze the foam balls and later, how many steps she could take using the walking frame. It all went smoothly for maybe two years, though she had never realised how much time had actually passed, until one day, as he was combing her hair and she was staring at painting meant to imitate a window, she finally dared ask him.

“Where is my baby?” she asked on an emotionless tone. “What have you done to her?”

He got up and threw the brush at the painting.

“I have taken care of you all this time and you keep insisting on your bullshit! Let the fucking past die, Rey! That’s no longer your life!”

She did not react for a while, but as if awakening from the slumber, she suddenly stopped staring at the wall and looked at him with a deadly gaze.

“Is this what you want? You want me to hurt you? Then fine!”

He left the room and returned later with a blanket. Rey got up all excited, but he lifted his hand and ordered her to sit back on the bed. Obedient, she listened to him and only stretched out her hands staring fascinated at the blanket. But he seemed to hesitate and she was getting nervous. Finally, he threw the blanket on the bed and she gasped, immediately removing the blanket, worried about the well-being of her baby.

However, all she found was…

“No”, she whimpered tearing up. “No! No! NO NO NO!”

She hesitated touching the bones and tiny skull at first, but she eventually grabbed the remains and stared at them, feeling something inside her break. It was her spirit, her last drop of hope and will to live. He did not only kill her baby. He managed to kill her.

***

When Kylo Ren returned to check on her, he found the entire place looking as if he had locked up a tornado, not a young woman. He went to his usual seat, but the rocking chair was now a pile of sticks, so he just sighed and sat on the floor, in front of a rabid Rey.

“Are you feeling better, my love?” he asked on a serene tone, mocking her pain.

She lifted her head with the most disgusted look on her face.

“I never meant for things to happen like this,” he shrugged. “But people seem to have an inclination towards never following the plan.”

“Shut the fuck up,” she growled accentuating each word. The only reason why she was not at his throat already was because she knew better this time.

“I knew I shouldn’t have left you out for so long,” he sighed. “We’re going to have a lot of work to do on your behaviour.”

“And what are you going to do to me this time? Traumatize me until I regress to being nineteen again? Or do you want me to become the child I was when you first bullied me?”

His eyes narrowed and she smirked. If he was going to threaten her with the safety of her non-existing new baby, then he was in for a huge surprise.

“Oh, I remember everything. Absolutely everything,” she chuckled and then she leaned in. “I know who you are and you owe me a lot.”

“Really, peanut?” he challenged her.

“Of course, orange. Or should I still call you doctor Hux?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter has been another right until I actually copy-pasted it here from docs. However, as I've said that this is no longer the final chapter as intended, the title now is a reference to Hayley Williams' 'Simmer' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lSj5k2K7w0)


	26. Meet me in the mystery

_ Maz, I think I’ve been abducted. _

They no longer knew how many times they had listened to Rey’s voice, but one thing was certain. Ben recording his conversation with a completely oblivious Rey had been the best thing he could have ever done. After her last words, although muffled, a fight could be heard between her and most likely the one who abducted her.

“What’s a Maz?” asked Kaydel, being the only one brave enough to put an end to the awkward silence in the Solo’s living room. Rose handed her a cup of lavender and orange tea, then joined her on the sofa, but not before leaving another cup for Ben, though none for Finn, as she was trying her best to ignore his presence and the jealousy she was still feeling seeing him hold hands with Poe. She had no idea how Kaydel was fine seeing them together, but she could guess that her most recent experiences with Ben’s doppelganger were still too fresh to care about an ex.

“Our auntie,” answered Finn staring outside the window. “She took us in when we were kids and later became our official legal guardian.”

“And why did she say her name?” she tried to find a logical reason behind Rey’s cry for help. “She knew that Ben was the one on the phone.”

“Maybe she panicked and called out her name like when you pray to saints?”

Rose snorted and rolled her eyes.

“Stop it,” mouthed Finn realizing on his own that his theory was ridiculous, but she wasn’t looking at him anyway.

“Does it sound like him?” Rose asked Kaydel, whose face was still disfigured from all the bruises and swelling.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged sighing with disappointment, then took a sip. “It could be, but I didn’t freaking noticed that he was a stranger, let alone recognise his grunts and mumbling.”

“But who could he be?” interfered Poe. “It’s difficult now to establish when he was around the town because anyone could have mistaken him for Ben, but he must have had an involvement in your lives or at least in Rey’s past. There was a time when he didn’t look like Ben and he was present in Rey’s life… unless he just happened to see her on the streets once and immediately started obsessing over her.”

“We don’t know if it’s about Rey. He had three victims we know of so far and they all look alike.”

Kaydel flinched at Finn’s observation, then looked at the silent pensive Ben Solo sinking in the teal armchair.

“Margaret Shay died when Rey was already gone, but she had been abused for some time,” said Luke drinking from his flask now that he was forced to sit on the bench for a while. “My theory is that she had been in his possession for a long time and he killed her only when he became sure that he could have Rey. Then he disposed of Rey and focused on getting Kaydel, but almost killed Kaydel and took Rey back, wearing Ben’s face. His obsession is with Rey. The rest were just…”

Kaydel looked at him with her big eyes, begging him to keep his mouth shut for now.

“Lookalikes.”

Everyone remained silent for a few moments, staring at Luke’s files spread all over the coffee table, between cups of coffee and tea and biscuits.

“She said she was home,” Ben finally opened his mouth, making the others look at him with a mixture of pity and sorrow.

“If she was not aware at first that he was not you, then what was this home? He lied to her about moving to another place or he had his own copy of this house?” asked Rose pressing once more the play button for everyone to listen to the recording again. Indeed, Rey had mentioned being home and then she told ‘Maz’ that she had been abducted.

“I’m home… Maz,” murmured Kaydel now reading the transcript. “It’s a distraction! She’s home. How many homes did Rey have? This one, the Organa house, the one… where she used to live when she was a child and Maz’s home.”

Everyone looked at her in shock until Luke laughed.

“You’re a smart cookie, aren’t you?” he patted her on the back and she cringed. Luke cleared his throat and uttered an apology, then turned to Finn. “Do you remember to whom did you sell the house?”

The young man hesitated for a moment, still in disbelief that Rey could have been so close the entire time. He approached the group and sat down on the teal armchair as soon as Ben got up and took Finn’s place by the window. He reached for Poe, who joined him to keep him safe from Rose’s deadly gaze, then he cleared his throat and spoke on a rather uncertain tone.

“Umm… Bradley or something like that. Last name was Huxley, I think. He was the father of a kid Maz took care of. He bought it as a gift for his son.”

“Brendol Hux?” Rose finally addressed him ignoring her initial reaction of making fun of the possibility of someone naming his son Bradley Huxley.

“I guess?” he shrugged.

Luke leaned in taking a piece of paper and a pen.

“You know him, Rosie?”

The young woman shook her head.

“No. But Phasma is married to a Brendol Hux. He is too young to have a kid who would have been brought up by Maz and I think he is a junior anyway.”

“BJ Hux!” exclaimed Kaydel putting down her cup. “I know him! He is a plastic surgeon and his father is a former general and his mother is a socialite.”

“Does he have a brother?” asked Luke scribbling on his piece of paper.

Kaydel pursed her lips trying to remember.

“Two? No! Three brothers and a sister. Umm… Bernie, Bertram and Bertolt, and the sister is in high school so I don’t know her.”

The old man nodded then looked at Finn, pointing with the pen at the names written down.

“Do you recognize any of those names?”

Finn shrugged shaking his head, feeling completely useless and on the verge of a breakdown. Fortunately, Kaydel took over the discussion once more. He had no idea why she was so involved and interested to solve that mystery. Well… both she and Rey had been the victims of the same man, but still… had he been in her shoes, he would have run away as soon and as far as possible. 

“He also has a half-brother, who is a neurosurgeon,” she added shifting her weight on the other leg. “I saw him once at a party. Quite a cutie. I think his name was Armin?”

“Armie?” narrowed Finn his eyes.

“Perhaps.”

“There was an Armie,” he spoke with sudden enthusiasm. “A tall skinny kid with cooper hair. He used to bully Rey. He even pushed her once from the cherry tree, leaving her with a scar she still has.”

“Armie as in Armitage Hux?” spoke Rose slowly. “Because I think I’ve heard that name before. Mr Skywalker, isn’t that the boy who broke Ben’s nose when Mrs Leia left him Maz’s care? I remember she once showed him to me in a group photo. It was when she told me the story about why Ben has those… abandonment issues.”

Luke pressed the pen against his chin with a grin.

“Hmmm… I know that name from somewhere else. He was one of the brats involved in those car races that made Ben go on the wrong path in college and… accidentally kill Han in that crash.”

They all looked at each other. It couldn’t have been that easy. The police hadn’t managed to find any connections when Rey first disappeared. They couldn’t have just figured out the entire mystery only by sitting in a living room and sipping tea.  _ However…  _

Poe tapped his fingers on the table, skimming through the papers which established Maz’s home as an empty old house occasionally rented to old residents who were in town just for a short time, then he spoke on a serious tone.

“I’m not saying we should accuse someone on just speculations, but isn’t it odd that this man has been involved with both Rey and Ben throughout their entire lives? And somehow, based on Luke’s investigation, there has never been anything suggesting Rey visiting a doctor, yet she somehow ended up having a very complicated surgery, one requiring a lot of time to recover from, right when she was missing and under the name of a girl looking just like her? A girl abused in the same way Kaydel here was abused by a man pretending to be Ben Solo?”

Luke applauded them and got up grabbing his phone and texting some of his most trustworthy friends.

“We’re like a Scooby gang,” smiled Finn all excited.

“Yeah, but you’re Scrappy,” rolled Rose her eyes. 

“Kids,” interfered Luke staring at the window. “Where’s my boy?”

They all had been so caught up in putting together all the puzzle pieces that they had never noticed Ben leaving. There was no point in even suggesting that he was still in the house.

“He can’t be far. He has no car an-”

“Luke,” whispered Kaydel checking her purse. “My car keys are gone.” She ran to the door and opened it while gently pushing Bee away to keep her from running outside. “And my car is gone too.”

***

Armitage Hux chuckled showing how much of a good job his brother had done, despite not being a perfect one considering that it was not yet complete. 

“How did you know it was me?” he asked dropping the act, the accent and the husky voice.

Rey pulled her legs to sit in the lotus position and tried to control her temper. It was not in her advantage to lash out at him and make him hurt her again.

“I saw the fruit on the wallpaper. You were the orange because of your hair and when I remembered you bullying me, I also remembered your other distinct features… and name. So I just wondered what were the odds for my childhood bully and my doctor to both have red-orange hair and the same fucking name,” she pursed her lips then continued rather amused. “And then there was your phone number. I saw it in Kaydel’s phone under Ben’s name and I remembered reading it on the business card you gave before you kidnapped me. I would say that it was an amateur move, but it was in my advantage after all.”

He said nothing, just grinning and making her uncomfortable with the similarities between him and Ben. She was used to those dark eyes burning her flesh when Ben was full of passion, but he was not Ben and the difference between his eyes and the empty ones in front of her was that this time it felt as if staring at a corpse or at least a living dead.

“What on Earth is wrong with you?” she shook her head too tired to find any reason in his actions.

“A lot, I guess?” he chuckled again running his fingers through his hair.

“Why do you look like Ben?”

“Surgery and a bit of makeup.”

“I asked  _ why _ .”

“For you. silly girl. It was all for you. Why did you think I let you go?”

Rey furrowed touching her front teeth with the tip of her tongue. So she hadn’t escaped. Of course, it would have been rather impossible to walk that much on foot wearing nothing but a sheer dress and no shoes in January. He planted there to be found, knowing very well that Luke was still looking for her.

“So why did you? Let me go, I mean.”

“Didn’t you say you remember everything?”

Rey gave him a deadly stare and pursed her lips. Despite her memory being back, the time between her meltdown and her return was still a mystery. It was as if it didn’t exist.

“Fine,” he sighed. “After you insisted on seeing your baby and I brought her to you…”

Rey got on her knees and raised her hand to slap him, but he immediately caught her by the arm, squeezing hard, just like he did that night when he caused her to go into premature labour.

“As I was saying,” he continued forcing her to return to her seat. “I foolishly expected you to be mature and cry, but you know… get used to the idea and get over it. However, you had a meltdown. I understood you while you were recovering after the surgery because it was not your fault that you could barely move and speak, but this time you did it to yourself. You spent weeks just crying and staring at the ceiling. I knew I wanted my perfect docile doll, but you were getting  _ so  _ boring and annoying, refusing to do anything but feel sorry for yourself. So I had to sacrifice my own happiness and give up all we had built together to send you back to him. You blocking your memories after the meltdown was a pain for a while because I had to wait for too long for you and him to finally… accomplish your mission. As if it wasn’t stressful enough to know that you could recover your memories anytime soon and that you were once again in his arms.”

Rey shook her head.

“I still don’t get it.”

“Oh, Rey,” he grunted. “You’re so smart sometimes and then you manage to surprise me with your idiocy. The  _ baby _ . I normally don’t believe anyone should put their hopes in a child. Those tiny critters don’t bring anyone happiness, regardless of how much people lie to themselves. A child won’t heal your wounds, make your life better or give it a purpose and it most certainly not be your second chance at anything.”

The way he was looking at her was making her feel uncomfortable and guilty for her own obsessive love for her dead babies and the constant need for someone to fill the void in her heart.

“But I love you so much, Rey. If a baby is what it takes for you to be happy, then you should have one.”

She exhaled loudly. Of course…  _ he  _ saw buying the pregnancy test. He even said it himself that he knew about her being pregnant. That was the reason why she was back in that cage. 

She looked at him, for a moment not acknowledging the differences between him and her actual husband and accidentally giving herself a false sense of security. Even though she didn’t want to give him any ideas, she still had to ask. 

“How come you didn’t get me pregnant yourself?”

“I don’t ever want my blood in the veins of another. I hate being a Hux and I would hate raising another one. This is why you should finally understand how much I love you. I  _ chose  _ to let you back in his arms for you to get your baby and  _ I _ became Kylo Ren to make the both of us happy. You can finally be with someone stable and loving and I can be someone I choose to be, not someone who I am destined to be by blood.”

Rey chuckled amused by his ridiculous, yet tragic perspective of the world and himself. Had he not been a monster responsible for the death of her daughter, maybe she could have forgiven him. But he killed her soul, so he deserved nothing but the same pain he had caused her.

“And now we can finally be together.”

“But I’m not pregnant.”

He tilted his head with a mad look in his eyes, then he giggled.

“I found your positive pregnancy test in the bag, sweetheart. You don’t fool me.”

But she had never taken that pregnancy test and the discomfort she felt was the one typical of any other period. If he found a pregnancy test in the same bag she found Kaydel’s phone and a wallet that was most likely hers as well, then… Rey closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Ben had been home cooking for her while Kylo Ren was dating Kaydel that day. And if  _ she  _ had mistaken him for her real husband, then Kaydel must have too. 

“It’s not mine,” she admitted shrugging. “Sorry. You should have waited more. Or at least you should have used protection.”

Hux pondered her words for a moment, then he got up and stormed out of the room, slamming the door and leaving it unlocked. Maybe it was a test, but she was not going to waste that opportunity. She waited for a couple of minutes to make sure that he was not coming back, but also not for too long, just in case he was still planning to return, then she escaped the bunker. The door happened to be right behind the mirror she had played in front of so many times. However, knowing what she had endured for three years, that house was now defiled, any corner meant to bring back a happy memory only leaving a bitter taste in her mouth and a feeling of emptiness. 

The windows were nailed down and the back door was locked, making her childhood home a more of a prison. Still remembering which floorboards used to make the lesser noise, she gently snuck to the front door, which was locked as well. Finn and she used to hide a key somewhere behind the wallpaper between the door and the window, but that was years before and all the locks must have been changed. However, driven by nostalgia, she still dug her nails in the crepe pink and alabaster white wallpaper, finding the key where they had left it after their last escapade. She licked her lips and put the key in the lock, turning it without any expectations. It came as a shock when she heard the door getting unlocked with each turn, and then, with a last click, opening. Smiling, she slowly opened it, but as soon as the first creaking sound echoed through the entire hallway, she felt Hux’s claws on her neck, pulling her back in her cage.

“It’s rude to leave without saying goodbye and to refuse someone’s invitation to tea. Come on, my love! Maz has taught you better than this.”

He threw her on one of the chairs in the kitchen, then he sat on the chair in front of her, playing with a box of matches, the same brand Maz used to buy. All the kids were so excited when one of the boxes was already empty and they could add it to the collection for when they made advent calendars. The year when there were the most children in the house, Maz bought entire boxes so that each one of them could have a calendar, but she also taught them how to make houses from the matches in order to not waste them. Too bad she knew a certain someone who set every house on fire just out of envy.

“Why me?” she asked accepting his cup of tea and sniffing it. There was an odd smell in the kitchen, but it apparently had nothing to do with the mint tea. “You had Margaret, so then why me?” 

Hux pinched his bearded chin with a pensive look on his face, then exhaled and looked at her as if her question reached his ears much later than when it was initially asked.

“I saw you a couple of years ago at my graduation party. I didn’t recognize you at first, because I never cared about you as a child. I simply hated you for how much Maz loved you and how you and that other guy were her children, whereas the rest of us were not. She adopted you, but she let my father take me right before turning eighteen. I was the product of an affair and he took me from my birth mother and threw me in here for my entire childhood, then took me back only to dictate my adulthood as well. So I realised that I had to punish the one who rejected me and made me who I am. Therefore, one day, while you were away, I went to pay a visit to auntie Maz.”

“You didn’t…” her voice cracked.

“Oh, yes. I did,” he smiled proudly. “All it took was a pillow and she went to sleep for forever.”

Rey had foolishly believed that nothing could have shocked her after remembering holding her baby’s skeleton, but the tears streaming down her face were the proof that she had never got over Maz’s death.

“Then I saw you weeping over her corpse and you were so beautiful. I asked my father to buy the house with the sole purpose of offering it to you. You needed a home now that you were penniless and Finn ditched you for college and fame. But my useless father waited too long to have the papers ready and you moved in with  _ him _ . You started dating  _ him _ . You were sleeping with  _ him _ . So I decided that I had to make him snap for you to see his real face… That’s when I killed her. It was as if fate brought her to me. The moment I hit the gas and saw her body fly like Mary freakin Poppins…” he laughed ignoring Rey’s tears. 

“Mrs Leia? You killed Ben’s mom to get him and me to break up?”

“Yeah,” he rolled his eyes. “But it only made your bond stronger. Maybe I should have killed  _ him _ , but I was so sad that I ended up too depressed to care anymore. I tried to forget you… until my nephew’s birthday party. I was miserable as usual, having to play pretend as usual that I’m the cool uncle… but then you came. You were so sweet and gentle, the epitome of perfection with one single flaw. You were married to Ben Solo this time.”

He paused for a moment, then he rubbed his eyes.

“I once broke his nose when his mom dropped him here for some time,” he laughed. “He was such a whiny brat. But in college, I made a man out of him. I saw his anger and potential and used it to my advantage… until the idiot killed his father in a crash and his uncle ruined our fun and my source of income, forcing me to go back to med school. So you must understand my anger and frustration when I saw someone like you with someone like him. He was defiling you!”

He slammed his fist on the table then got up to fill up Rey’s cup once more.

“Then I asked my sister-in-law about you and she told me how much of a good girl you were. Perhaps too good. But you’d still attended some of her wicked parties with him and I knew that even the purest white can be stained by the filthiest black. So I tried to forget you once again by using Margaret. She was an orphan as well and she looked a lot like you. I thought I could change her, fix her and make her get rid of her past, but once a crack addict whore, forever a crack addict whore.”

Rey pursed her lips remembering how child-like she was when she first saw her and how brave she was the second time. Poor Margaret deserved better.

“What have you done to her?”

“What do you think?” he snorted and Rey let out a loud whimper. “I had you so I needn’t her anymore. She was a lost cause anyway. She even failed me dead, because the police were not fooled for too long. I presumed that they would find out that she’s not you, but it all happened too soon. And you know why?” he pointed at her. “That damned tattoo. But I got rid of it.”

Rey gulped remembering being held down and having her tattoo burned off with a lighter.

“Anyway… my plan was never to kidnap you, Rey. But when fate brought you back to me, I saw it as the sign I had been asking for. You told me about your desire… that plan of yours to leave for three years. Then you kept blabbering about your husband when you were the one fucking dying, Rey! Who would put someone else’s feelings above their own imminent death? Well… someone like my perfect little Rey. So I knew that with the right words, I could have convinced you to come with me. I saw the way you were looking at me, Rey. You had that tiny spark inside your heart that would have burnt down your love for him and replace it with a better healthier love… for me.”

So her flirting had caused all of these after all?

_ No!  _ she shook her head. She would not tolerate him blaming her for his obsession and sick mind. Maybe she shouldn't have flirted as a married woman, but that didn’t excuse him kidnapping her and killing her baby and poor Margaret and… even sleeping with a naive Kaydel.

“Then you told me about your pregnancy and you were so desperate to have that baby,” he continued his story. “Even worse, you were now going to stay with him for good now. Have your little family for a while and then die and let him enjoy everything you’ve worked for, keeping your baby as a living reminder of who you once were and then replace you with someone else… like Kaydel. He didn’t deserve any of those things, Rey, so I had to take you back home.”

“That’s why you seduced Kaydel?”

“Pretty much. She was so desperate for affection, poor thing. I’m sure she would have jumped in Solo’s arms and bed at the first smile. I knew her from before. She was just a shallow party girl, but with Margaret gone, I needed someone to help me with my… urges and with my plan of getting you back. But of course, she had to ruin everything, so I had to hurry up. It was plain luck that I found you exactly where I dropped you off three months ago.”

“But how the hell were you even expecting your plan to work? You got her pregnant around the time the real Ben had barely seen her. They both had different accounts. They would have figured it out.”

“Love,  _ you  _ did my job for me. You kept fucking up with Solo and with that plan of yours being known by most people, no one would have believed you this time. You said it yourself. If your return hadn’t been satisfying, you would have left again. This time, no police were going to be involved and a bitter Solo would have finally married an already in love Kaydel. But she had to disobey me and I knew either of you could have suspected something. She ruined my plan, so I couldn’t leave her to figure out as you said. That’s why I killed her too.”

“You  _ killed  _ Kaydel?”

“Actually, Ben Solo did,” he grinned. “He’s probably already in jail.”

“But he’s innocent and… Gosh, she was carrying your child!”

“Well… I’ve told you my opinion on children. Though now that I know you’re not pregnant after all, maybe I can reconsider that little suggestion of yours. After all, if you were willing to stay with Solo just because of your daughter, then you won’t leave me as long as I give you what you want. Though, maybe I should have kept the first one and not abandon her in the trash can and save myself a lot of time.”

Rey stared at him utterly confused.

“What do you mean?”

“Your precious baby,” he chuckled. “She was still breathing when I wrapped her in that blanket you made. If the cold, hunger and filth didn’t kill her, then maybe a dog ate her.”

“Bu-but the bones?”

“Margaret’s. Honestly, that little boy looked better as a skeleton than when it was born. Never allow a teen sleeping around for drug money to have a child. It’s waste o-”

Rey slammed her fists on the table and got up quickly, ignoring her weak knees and the sudden dizziness.

“Are you saying that my daughter was alive and you killed her on purpose?” 

“Technically, I didn’t. I just didn’t bother keeping her alive. I had to punish you after what you’ve done, Rey.”

Her vision was getting blurry and her head was exploding with anger. It was impossible for that sweet charming doctor to be such a vile heartless creature. It was impossible for her tiny daughter to have been robbed of her life just out of spite.

“I hate you…” she growled feeling her legs growing weaker. “Wha-what…”

“You’ll learn to love me again and more than you’ve ever loved Solo,” she heard him push the chair and get up. “The sedative should have kicked in by now.”

Did he drug her again? And was that gas she was smelling?

“We’ll leave this place soon and we’ll start our new life far away from here. Don’t worry, my love. I’ll make the past burns down.”

Rey stumbled out of the kitchen, hoping to reach the front door, but only tripped over the rug in the small hallway by the stairs. She saw the mirror leading to the bunker and stopped for a moment. She didn’t want to go back there. Not now that the front door opened with a long screeching sound.

“What are  _ you  _ doing here?” she heard his voice. Maybe there was someone who could help her. Maybe someone heard their screams or smelt the gas.

“Where’s Rey? What have you done to her?”

_ Ben? _

She got back on her feet, but the moment she turned around, her mind finally went blank and shut itself down. Her body fell down the stairs leading to the bunker and the last thing she felt was the floor shaking underneath her and the heatwave and cloud of smoke swallowing her. 

***

“Are there any more people inside?”

“We found three more. Two are impossible to identify. The other is severely burnt, but he’s still alive.”

_ Ben! _

Rey pushed the paramedic’s hand and tried to rip off the oxygen mask, but the taller woman forced her to stay still. After the fall, she had woken up coughing and craving fresh air. Someone carried her out to the ambulance while the firefighters were fighting to keep Maz’s house from setting fire to the entire neighbourhood. According to the paramedics, she had no major injury, just a couple of bruises and a superficial bump from the fall, but they were not sure how much smoke or gas she had inhaled, so they were still going to take her to the hospital. But she couldn’t leave not knowing what was the price of her freedom.

“It’s Luke Skywalker,” she heard another voice among the people running up and down the entire place.

_ Oh, Luke… _ she teared up. She had been mistaken about him being Ben’s biological father, but he sure acted like one ever since his mom and dad died. And maybe she had never had an uncle, or at least not after her parents’ death in that fire, but at least he became hers. And now he was fighting for his life after almost dying in a fire too.

She closed her eyes feeling dead inside. She had once told Ben that she was feeling cursed… and she was. She was still refusing to take any blame for Hux’s madness, but that didn’t change much about the misery she was drowning in. She made her way in Ben’s life and she ruined it for him and his entire family.

“It’s raining,” remarked the paramedic tending her grazed forehead. She looked behind her at the rain washing away the gigantic piles of ashes and her eyes went wide and mouth opened in a silent exclamation. Was that a ghost or was her nightmare not over yet. She watched the man leave Kaydel’s side - what was she even doing there? - and heading towards her. She gulped nervously and stood still, staring at him, until he was close enough to see the small details giving away his identity. His clothes were slightly burned and so was his skin, though rather superficially. He had a bandaged wound on his forehead and had soot all over his face.

“Rey,” he whispered with a serene and loving look on his face and ran to her. Rey finally ripped off her mask and pushed away the paramedic, running in his arms. She cupped his face looking at the tiny scratches on his face and the scar she had grown to love.

“You’re alive and you took me out,” she cried. “You saved me. You  _ found  _ me.”

And as a last grand gesture before getting pulled back inside the ambulance for a trip to the hospital, she kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to Lissie's 'Meet Me In The Mystery' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqxTP90eos4)


	27. Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

It was good. She had been expecting her return to her house to be more bitter and rather miserable, but she was fine. In fact, she was rather comfortable now that she was home. The faint mango and coconut scent was making her feel butterflies in her stomach as if the air was hugging her, and she couldn’t wait to go upstairs and just lie in her bed all day long… for maybe a month or so.

“I missed this place,” she sighed with a sad smile of face, turning to Ben, who insisted on carrying her luggage, flowers and gifts. He had shaved off his beard and his hair was a bit shorter, barely touching his shoulder, though still long enough to play with his locks and twirl them around her fingers. He smiled back and let the gym bag fall off his shoulder on the floor, then clumsily put the flowers and gift bags on the table.

“What do you want to do?”

She tilted her head and grinned before her expression turned into a sad one. She longed to feel his touch and have him make love to her, but she couldn’t stop wondering if her memories were going to be once again an issue. This time, it was no longer about the lack of trust and the unknown. It was about the trauma, Kylo Ren’s mask and face, his hands touching her and his voice mocking her need for affection and a family. She didn’t want to just use Ben to blow off steam only to end up feeling disgusted by him. And with the reminder that her daughter was dead and her third pregnancy was nothing but a false alarm, she was not sure if she could think straight and not let her desperation take over her once again. 

“Umm… I honestly want to take a bath, but I also don’t wa-”

“Are your memories back?”

Rey blinked at him suddenly changing the subject. She shook her head brushing off her own confusion, then chuckled.

“Mmm… yeah. Yes. I do. Why?”

“I don’t know. It’s something about you that seems different.”

“I am the same Rey, Ben-Ben, with or without memories.”

He agreed with a shy smile and Rey took a step forward, but stopped herself from hugging and kissing him by clenching her fists and jaw. There were so many things they had to talk about.

“Ben,” she called his name making him look at her. “It was yours.”

He furrowed not understanding her remark.

“The baby,” she gulped. “I’ve never cheated on you. It was your daughter.”

“I know.”

“She was premature and Hux let her die to punish me for trying to escape and… Wait… what did you say?”

“I know that she  _ is  _ mine,” he smiled kindly.

But how did he know? With Luke in a coma, she doubted that the police just offered him random information from her statement. And even if it was just a conclusion following the context of her disappearance, why was he so calm and smiling? They were talking about the death of their child.

“Why are you not saying anything else?” she snapped. “You cried more than I did the first time I miscarried that tadpole and now you find out that I gave birth to our daughter and saw her tiny body, heard her coo, then had her taken from me. Ben, I cried and begged and he didn’t even let me touch her once. I lost my memories when he threw me the skeleton of another baby and told me that it was my daughter. And then he gave me hope. Hope that she was still alive, but only for one moment, because he told me that despite the skeleton not being hers, she had been thrown in a trashcan in the baby blanket I made her. I had to have the mental image of my baby being eaten by dogs! And you just smile at me and don’t show any ounce of sadness!”

Ben held her by the wrists as she kept punching his chest.

“Why don’t you care? Why aren’t you grieving? Wh-why don’t you feel…  _ why  _ aren’t you angry? She was  _ murdered _ , Ben!”

“Rey, breathe,” he whispered caressing her head. With her hands now freed, she punched him again, but with less strength and energy. Eventually, she gave up and hugged him weeping. Ben lifted her in his arms and took her upstairs, where he undressed her and filled the bathtub with hot water.

“He killed them too,” she whimpered as Ben poured some shower gel in his palm and began massaging her bruised back. “Our moms.”

Ben stopped and Rey turned to look at him with a miserable aura.

“He smothered Maz with a pillow as revenge for not adopting him like she did with Finn and me and ran over Mrs Leia to make you go rogue again and break us up.”

Ben’s lip trembled, then he inhaled deeply and blinked seemingly to dry his tears before they escaped his eyes. It was unlike him to be that calm.

“My mom used to tell me that one must celebrate the living and remember the dead. Hux is dead now and he will be forgotten by everyone, including his family, whereas Maz and mom will always be in our hearts. Our mothers died loving us, but Armitage died as a monster.”

“How did it happen?” she asked letting him continue his massaging. “I smelled the gas, but I was pretty much passed out when the explosion happened.”

“Well… we fought, then Luke and his dad barged in. They argued, Luke tried to make him surrender, but his father told him how much of a disappointment he ended up being and pulled a gun on him. I saw the open door and I assumed you were there, so I ran with Luke behind me to get you. I think Hux tried to follow me too and that was when his father shot him. That’s why I don’t have any severe burns and Luke is still alive, whereas they were charred.”

“You risked your life for me,” she murmured feeling bad for her most recent breakdown.

“Of course. I love you the most.”

He spoke on such a soothing tone and he was so certain of each word he said that Rey couldn’t help herself. She reached for his hand and laid her head on the edge of the bathtub, lifting her chin. Ben chuckled and pressed his lips against hers, while his hand touched her neck. There was a certain possessive undertone in his gesture that once used to make Rey feel turned on. However, this time she cringed and whimpered.

“My body still hurts.”

It was not that much of a lie. Her body did hurt, but it was the mental trauma keeping her from dragging him in the water with her, not her bruises.

“I’m sorry,” she said as he poured some shampoo on her hair.

“You needn’t apologize. The right half of my body requires ointments every couple of hours.”

“Umm… not that. I’m sorry for how I treated you. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through trying to find me all those years and then I had to betray you like that.”

“Don’t ever apologize for anything that happened in our past. I am the one who fell for the lies of others and my own paranoia. I didn’t allow myself to move on and love you as you deserved, out of fear and stupidity. I shouldn’t have allowed Kaydel to kiss me just because I was drunk and upset. So if there’s someone who needs to apologize, then that’s me.”

Rey shook her head.

“I could never hate you, Ben. Even when my poor memories were pointing at you, I still hoped and tried to find clues that it was not you.”

She claimed to not being capable of hating him, but he could not brag about the same strength and faith in her and their relationship. Luke had mocked him for screaming about how much he hated her, but it was true. He did hate her. His love for her did die. It all happened for a short time, but it still happened and it was torturing him knowing how easily he had given up on her.

“Ben?” she called his name and he finally noticed her eyes reading every pout and furrow. They were so close that he could see every freckle and tiny scratch and that glimmer in her eyes that made him fall in love with her. He cleared his throat fighting the urge to kiss her again and have her once again fear his touch.

“May I… Can you please tell me what happened?”

She avoided his gaze and let him continue massaging her scalp. There was no need to be more specific about his request. 

“I was sick,” she sighed. “And the doctor Phasma recommended me was Armitage Hux. He told me that I had a brain tumour and I… made the first mistake when I kept it a secret believing that I could go through the surgery and not tell you anything. The second mistake was flirting with him. I don’t know why I did it. I was so depressed and afraid of dying and I felt like I couldn’t tell you, but he knew and kept comforting me and distracting me. He made me laugh when I thought all hope was gone. And with him being the one to perform the surgery, he was also my saviour. But I  _ swear  _ that I never once intended to make him believe that I had a thing for him. Maybe it was a crush, but my heart has always been yours and my plan was to save you the pain of seeing me sick. I wanted to live for you and for us. And then… she happened. I saw her and heard her heart beating. I wanted you to come with me and find out what we were about to have. I already had names planned and ideas for the nursery.”

She stopped to catch her breath, but the emotions were too overwhelming. She cried as Ben hugged her until she felt ready to speak again.

“Anyway… the day I found out about the pregnancy, I met him and it was all so awkward. I told him that I wanted to keep the baby and that I would go see another doctor if he insisted on putting me first. He later told me that whereas he didn’t want me to die, he didn’t want you to replace me and be happy with everything I would have left behind. So he abducted me that evening at the fair. Actually,  _ I  _ went to him believing he was you. He had the same car you had too, but I never looked at the plates or paid attention to any other small details. I became suspicious only later and he hit me before reacting. That’s when I lost the scarf Finn gave me.”

She paused and let Ben rinse her hair.

“At first I still foolishly believed that he was you and that it was just a stupid game, but he was just too cruel. He kept me locked in the bunker where you found me. I usually spent my days thinking of ways to escape and singing to our baby, but the solitude and confinement were torture. I was sometimes going crazy and he punished me each time by beating me and drugging me to stay docile. There was another girl too. She tried to save me, but I accidentally gave her plan away and apparently he killed her.”

Ben cleared his throat. 

“Margaret Shay. I had to identify her body. That’s when Luke first started believing that something was more than odd about your disappearance.”

“Yeah… he used her until he got me. He wanted you all to believe that she was me, but you found out the truth and he punished  _ me  _ by burning off my tattoo.”

She lifted her wet strands of hair and revealed her scar once again.

“After her death, he behaved nicely and kept gifting me things to keep me entertained, but he was getting too close.”

“Rey, did he…”

He did not dare say the word, so Rey looked at him with an empty gaze.

“Does it matter?”

His mouth opened in a silent exclamation, not knowing what to say. He wouldn’t have blamed her or acted like a jealous husband, but he needed to know. The way she cringed and withdrew from his touch… she had already gone through so much. He just wanted to know how wounded was her soul.

“No,” she sighed. “He refused to… do anything while I was carrying your child, though he was getting rather touchy and once he… Anyway!” she shook her head. “After I gave birth, I guess he took me to the hospital and I had that surgery.”

“Yeah, he used Margaret’s ID card. That’s why no one in the hospital noticed that you were the missing girl. And that’s how Luke found out that you had a surgery and we managed to piece together all the clues. Because  _ you  _ had a surgery, but the patient was a dead girl few people knew of.”

Rey covered her face and for a moment Ben thought he heard her sobbing, but she just rubbed her eyes and got up. He gulped seeing her beautiful body and immediately covered her with a large towel.

“I spent a long time in a coma and then recovery,” she continued her story taking a pair of black silk pyjamas from the drawer. “I have memories from back then, but they’re just irrelevant. I was just a toy he was fixing… until he broke me for good.”

This time she was truly sobbing and Ben approached her fearing her reaction. Fortunately, she hugged him and let him hug her back.

“It’s not your fault,” he said pressing his lips against her forehead.

“I know. But I still fucked up.”

She let him go and looked at his neck. Oh, how she wanted to kiss his moles and every inch of his body.

“I…” she licked her lips. “I need to show you something.” 

She looked around the room until she noticed her scrapbook among the photo albums. She opened it to the page where she had cake ideas and names for their baby and ripped off the tape holding them glued to the thick page.

_ Some things never change _ , she chuckled to herself, then took out a sonogram. She looked at the shape of her baby mango and covered her mouth. That was all she had left.

“She didn’t even have a name,” she said with her voice trembling as she showed him the sonogram. “I saw her only for a moment when she was born because she was not crying, then I heard her cooing once.”

“She has a name,” smiled Ben taking the sonogram and touching the shape of the tiny body that once grew inside his wife. The tiny body he had helped create.

But as touched she felt by the love in his eyes, Rey couldn’t help herself from wondering if Ben was fine. When she left over a week before, he was a complete wreck and during that time, he spent a few days in jail, found out that his wife had been kidnapped again, found out that his mom was murdered on purpose, that he had a daughter who was also dead, and he fought his evil doppelganger before being caught in a fire and having his last living relative end up in a coma with severe burns. He was  _ too  _ calm to be fine. Maybe he was still under the effects of sedatives or was on medication. Was he even realising that baby Solo had been dead for three years?

“Ben…”

“Do you want anything to eat? I mean the fridge is empty, but I can order something.”

She parted her lips, then shook her head.

“No. I think I’m going to bed. Just… umm… where’s Bee?”

“She’s with Rose. Poor thing must have thought that we’ve abandoned her.”

Speaking of abandonment, why was he leaving the bedroom? He ran to the door and blocked his way. Ben looked her in the eye and chuckled cupping her cheek.

“I’m not leaving you, sweetheart. I’m just going to put your flowers in water and make some tea.”

“Let them dry!” she almost yelled, then grabbed his hand and pulled him in bed. She couldn’t sleep all alone. Not in her first night back home.

***

When Rey woke up the following day, for just a mere second, her mind mistook the ceiling of her bedroom to the one in the bunker. She jumped startled, then, breathing heavily, let her eyes adjust to her surroundings. She was home and it was already afternoon. She had spent the entire night talking with Ben, too afraid to fall asleep and wake up back in the bunker, but despite the friendlier reality, her mind was not helping. Sighing, she got up, went to take a shower, brushed her teeth, combed her hair in a ponytail, then put on a loose asymmetric teal shirt, which still had the price tag on. She chuckled reminding how pretentious she’d been without her memories and how ironic it was that she was feeling good wearing something new and pretty expensive. However, she remembered that shirt being longer and now she found herself roaming for a pair of pants or leggings.

Stomping her feet, Rey went downstairs minutes later, wearing a pair of pretty uncomfortable faux leather pants. Maybe she should have stayed in her pyjamas all day long.

“Ben?” she called her husband with no one responding. It was weird that Ben was not… was that a cat meowing?

“Bee!” she smiled excited as her beloved cat ran to her and purred joyful as she lifted her in her arms. “Oh, my own little heart!”

“Hey, look who’s here!” 

She stopped petting Bee for a moment and looked surprised at Finn, Poe and Rose dressed in nice clothes and passing plates and cutlery to one another. Why were they in her kitchen and why were they serving a huge meal so early in the morning? Why were they in her house in the first place? She had expected only solitude after she refused seeing anyone while in hospital.

“What’s going on?” she laughed hugging each one of them and feeling surprisingly comfortable despite the rather tensed relationship they had before her disappearance. 

“You missed your long-awaited Easter meal, so we’ve decided to improvise one to welcome you back,” smiled Rose holding her hands. “I know it was your job to organise everything, but we hope it will make you feel a bit better.”

“And remind you that you’ve got people who love you.”

“How sweet of you,” she smiled putting Bee down and staring at the dishes. Honey glazed carrots, prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, roasted potatoes, politiki salad, roasted pork loin with herb stuffing and some things which were on the countertop and which she could not see well.

“You shouldn’t have,” she teared up.

“Shut up, we all love you!” laughed Finn putting her hand around her waist, completely ignorant of the now uncomfortable look on her face. 

“Let me show you the lemon cheesecake,” snatched her Rose while giving her a deviled egg. Rey took the egg and ate it suddenly feeling hungry. 

“Hey, Rose?” she said admiring the seemingly perfect cheesecake.

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. I swear I’ve-”

“No need,” smiled her friend. “I overreacted and I am sorry for treating you like that. I did feel betrayed and used, but I should have let you speak at least. And as far it concerns me, the cafe is going to be closed only until you’re ready to come back.”

“I’m… thank you,” she nodded not sure what to say. “I guess work will help me get over everything. After all, people have been very kind to me.”

Rey giggled and turned to point at the table still covered in gifts from her most faithful clients. Ben had said he would take the gifts and put them somewhere else, but only the flowers had been moved.

“Where is my husband?” she asked furrowing and suddenly panicking. Were they trying to distract her from something? “Where is Ben?” she demanded to know. 

“Is  _ she  _ not here yet?”

“He went to bring her.”

Rey clenched her jaw as Poe and Finn kept whispering as if she was not present. Who was  _ she _ ? What was going on?

“Rey, let’s go take your gifts somewhere else and let the boys set the table.”

Rose pretty much dragged her out of the kitchen. They took the gifts and walked into the living room to drop them on the sofa. One of the smaller packets feel from Rey’s hold and she bent over to get it while turning up her nose at the red wine stain on her perfect carpet. She had worked like crazy to raise the money to buy it and now it was pretty much ruined with that old stain looking liked dried up blood. She felt her stomach revolting and hurried to grab the packet and stand up. Oh, it was a periwinkle lingerie set from Dahlia’s new collection. She pursed her lips blushing. Too bad she wouldn't get to wear it anytime soon. Sighing, she put the packet on the coffee table and took another bag. It was a set of three silver elephants of different sizes. They were too cute to leave them in the bag, so she took them out and placed them on the fireplace mantel. There! Like a perfect family. She ran to grab another bag, but her excitement immediately turned into a bitter surprise. A children’s book and a cardigan for a small child. Someone must have mixed up the bags or made a really distasteful joke on purpose. And someone else as well, because she found a pair of pink sneakers for a little child and a matching pink tiny cap, then a denim jumpsuit trimmed with lace, two pairs of pyjamas and some toys, but also a photo frame decorated with cakes, balloons and a large number three.

_ Oh…  _ she let a tear escape her eye. It would have been her daughter’s birthday. Though she couldn’t ever know the exact date, she must have been born around that time. But why were her clients gifting her presents for her dead daughter? Were they all sick people trying to make her go crazy?

She threw the jumpsuit on the teal armchair and inhaled deeply.

“Rose, can you please take care of these? I’m not feeling well,” she said storming out of the room and heading towards the bathroom. However, as she got out of the room, she bumped into her husband as he was just entering their home. His face turned from surprised to glad to serious and worried in just a matter of seconds. He needn’t ask her anything to make tear up and cuddle at his chest.

“What’s wrong?”

That was not Ben’s voice. She opened her eyes and lifted her head, then looked behind him at Kaydel. She could now see her better than that day when she was being taken care of by the paramedics and could observe the reason why her abductor had thought that he had killed her. She was indeed pretty badly hurt, even with her black eye and bruises healing. Moreover, for a moment, she was reminded by the cruel reality that Kaydel was like that because Hux used her to get to  _ her _ . However, her mouth was faster than her empathy or sense of guilt and she snarled at the young woman.

“Are you here to kiss my husband again?”

Kaydel parted her lips surprised by her question, but immediately shook her head and laughed.

“No. I’m here to see my sister.”

Rey furrowed and looked at Rose, but her friend shrugged with an awkward smile. Then, she looked once again at Kaydel, who was now taking a photo out of the box she was carrying. She handed her the photo and Rey took it hesitantly. It was a family. Two parents, a grandmother or elder aunt and three children. Without too much patience to analyse it, she turned the photo and read the scribbles on the back.

_ Caiden and Reyne Shay with grandma Margarita and daughters Kaydel (5), Rey (3) and baby Margaret (11 months) and dogs Saturn and Juno. _

Rey blinked and let out a whimper as she covered her mouth. She kept looking at the young woman in front of her and then back at the photo, while her mind was trying to remember poor Margaret Shay. The resemblance was uncanny, though looking at her own three-year-old self, her mind was trying to tell her that she had seen that nose, puffy cheeks and chestnut hair somewhere else than in the mirror. She brushed off the thought and her gaze softened as twenty-year-old memories of three little girls playing in the backyard and chasing the dogs resurfaced.

“I’m your older sister, Rey,” whispered Kaydel as her eyes were filling up with tears. She seemed genuinely happy and surprisingly, she was too.

Sometimes, one has to think things clearly. In her case, Rey knew about Kaydel that she had been the only one supporting Ben emotionally and helping him get back on his feet during those three years. Although the house was full of people who loved her, they all had reacted differently to her disappearance, and whereas Luke had always protected Ben, he had been more focused on the case that on his nephew’s mental and emotional state. But Kaydel did care about such things. She took Ben to therapy when he was depressed and suicidal. She got him a job and bonded with him like she and Finn used to before he became famous and shallow. And, she liked it or not, Rey had her own abandonment issues and had misinterpreted their relationship. Yes, Kaydel did kiss Ben and she had most likely acted shady and duplicitous those past weeks, but it wasn’t her fault either. She knew she was guilty herself of having flirted with the doctor, but not guilty of anything else he did. So it would have been unfair to treat Kaydel like a villain after knowing what he had done. He seduced her with lies and toyed with her feelings. He slept with her and got her pregnant by pretending that he was someone else, then beat her until she lost the baby and almost killed her. And yet she still helped Ben and Luke find  _ her _ … her sister.

Rey let go of Ben and went to Kaydel with firms steps. She had big eyes like their mother and despite Rey and Margaret looking more alike, it was Kaydel’s smile that reminded her of the poor drugged and abused girl who tried to rescue her. They all suffered because of her history with Hux, who managed to ruin the lives of three sisters.

“Oh, come here,” pulled her Kaydel in her arms.

***

After a half an hour spent crying and hugging each other, the two sisters joined the others at the table. It had been years since the last time any of them had enjoyed such good company. The jokes and laughter made them all forget about their worries for a few hours and the entire reunion had been overall satisfying. Finn promised to stay in town for at least a couple of weeks to mend his relationship with his sister and make up for the lost time, while Poe would help Ben repair the greenhouse and redecorate one of the guest bedrooms. However, business was business and he made Rey promise that she would guest star on a couple of videos for his online show. Then, after the confusion and mess created regarding the cafe, Rose and Rey agreed to become co-owners and open another cafe in the big city, one that would be run by Kaydel, hence she knew the best how to run a business. Meanwhile, Ben had already come up with some design ideas for the new name - Shay’s. 

Later, after the bottles of wine began piling up on the countertop and Finn and Poe started getting too touchy, they all decided to call it a day. Surprisingly, the two lovers managed to go upstairs and reach the guest bedroom without help, while the girls took the other guest bedroom. Rey looked at a lonely Ben remaining behind, in the kitchen, to clean up the mess, but said nothing. It was quite clear that after learning that his mother’s death had not been an accident and with his uncle in a coma, it was difficult for him to be surrounded by her friends and family. She sighed and joined Rose and Kaydel with a heavy heart. She needed some girl time, especially with her best friend and her older sister.

“I can’t imagine how horrible it must have been for you,” caressed Rose her shoulder while the three of them were sitting on the bed. She had borrowed the girls some pyjamas and now it felt as if they were throwing a pyjama party.

“Sometimes I feel as if I’m fine or at least better, but then I keep remembering how much time he had stolen from me and how many people he hurt.”

She looked at Kaydel who was avoiding her gaze and pretending to be concentrated on petting a purring Bee.

“He made Ben go rogue during college and kill Han in that car accident, then he killed Maz, Leia, Margaret and my baby girl,” she put her hand over Kaydel’s. “And he killed your baby and almost killed you.”

“No,” she shook her head. “I don’t think I would have kept it anyway. And it is my fault for being an idiot anyway. Had I not been so desperate and had I spoken to Ben sooner, we wouldn’t have ended up like this. But my heart was hungry and I ended up eating as many lies I was being fed.”

Rey touched Bee’s paw understanding her sister’s conflict. 

“I want to forgive him, though. I can understand that he was probably mentally ill and had his childhood issues haunting him, but I… I just  _ can’t _ get over it. I can’t!”

“Same,” whispered her sister. “I mean I don’t have really a reason to forgive him, but I don’t want to waste my time hating him either. I want to forget.”

“But I can’t do this either,” smiled Rey with sadness. “I can’t brush it off or lose my memory again.”

“He’s dead now and he can’t hurt you anymore, but what’s done is done,” uttered Rose hugging a pillow. “He didn’t really pay for anything.”

“But his family will,” snarled Kaydel and Rey looked at her with huge eyes. “Phasma knew that you two knew each other and she used her blog and followers to accuse Ben instead of going to the police to tell them about your supposed affair. I mean… I accused Ben too and I am ashamed of it, but this way we got Hux’s fingerprints and found out that there were two people. Also, his brother knew about his surgery. They were complices and I want them to pay. I will bring all my former classmates from law school and have them crushed!”

“Law school?” raised Rose an eyebrow ignoring the rest of her speech.

“I have two degrees,” explained Kaydel. “And one master’s and I’m currently working on my doctoral thesis.”

“Wow,” chuckled Rey. “You’re a smart cookie.”

“Yeah,” she rolled her eyes. “I’ve been told before. I’m pretty, smart and rich, but unlucky and unloved.”

“Come on,” Rey punched her gently in the shoulder. “At least you two each have gone to school.”

“Yeah, Rey,” snorted Rose. “It’s not as if you have the rest of your life to go to school and get a degree in something.”

Yeah… she still had the rest of our life, unlike her poor younger sister.

“What’s wrong?” hugged her Rose as she started weeping.

“It’s Margaret,” she sniffed. “It’s my fault she’s dead. I gave away her plan and he killed her. She’s been his prisoner just because she looked like me. She was barely twenty and she had also gone through the death of her baby and years of abuse and addiction. She didn’t share our luck. I was so blessed to be adopted by Maz, even if I didn’t get to go to school and I had to work since I was a kid. Kaydel was-”

“Not loved by her parents, but had nice nannies and lots of money.”

“Yeah,” laughed Rey for a moment before turning serious again. “But what did Margaret have?”

Kaydel took off the lid of the box she had brought with her and put the box between Rey and her. There were various photos from their childhood. In one, Rey was riding a pig while eating an ice cream, whereas in another, Kaydel was being awarded a prize for a contest. There were photos of their dead sister too from back then when she was just a happy baby loved by her parents and siblings.

“I had someone investigate my past to find my biological family, but I was told that my sisters had died with my parents. He still gave me these photos from the other relatives he managed to contact. But while you were in the hospital and Ben told me about his theory that we might be sisters, I called him again and he managed to find some information about Margaret. She was taken in by a family when she was a toddler, but they used her only for the social benefits and she ran away when she was maybe twelve years old. The rest…”

“Drugs and prostitution,” said Rey with sadness. “But I swear, Kaydel! She was such a nice girl. She had no reason to help me escape, yet she risked her life to do so. And it’s not fair what happened to her. Life was unfair! She even had a son and the poor thing didn’t survive because of all the drugs she was on.”

“I know and this is another reason why I am so set to make the Hux’s pay. I don’t care about friendships and parties. Their brother abused me and my sisters and they knew important information but kept their mouths shut.”

Kaydel kept insisting on getting revenge, but that was not who Rey was.

“But they have kids…” 

“Technically, the three of you also did,” spoke Rose reminding Kaydel of those couple of days when she actually thought that she would have a family with the man she thought she loved, and Rey of how she begged him and how she held those remains. Even if it weren’t her daughter’s, they were still her nephew’s. Finally convinced, Rey nodded agreeing with her sister’s plan as Rose held her hand.

“You know…” she spoke to her friend. “You’re an orphan and have a dead sister and so are we. Maybe we all should be sisters.”

“I appreciate your offer to adopt me,” she smiled touched by the healing bond between her and Rey. “However, only with the condition of never forcing me to accept Finn as my brother. It would be weird anyway.”

“Yeah, same,” laughed Kaydel. “He pretty much stole my boyfriend and I pretty much almost stole your husband as well, but I’m not making out with him in the room across the hallway.”

“Fine!” chuckled Rey and then she bit her lip with excitement. She was beginning to love having an extended family, even though she would never stop seeing Ben as her main one. It would take time to heal, but as the girls said, she was still very young. As long as Ben still loved her as he claimed, then their relationship was going to be as wonderful as it once used to be. And once they were ready, they would try again and have children. Kaydel was right - she needed to forget too and not let him ruin her life even dead.

Stretching her arms, Rey got up later and snuck out of the bed. The girls had fallen asleep and even though a pyjama party usually included the girls sleeping in the same bedroom, her thoughts were like a thunderstorm and she didn’t want to bother them just because couldn’t sleep yet. She turned off the lights and slowly opened the door, stepping outside. It was quiet and dark downstairs, but she could see light coming from under the master bedroom door. Inhaling deeply to muster all the courage, she knocked once and opened the door without waiting for an answer.

“Hey,” she smiled shyly. “May I?”

“Sure,” said Ben on a soft voice and tapped his finger on the bed, inviting her to join him. Giggling, Rey jumped next to him and covered herself with the duvet. Although the weather outside was finally getting warmer, the nights were still rather chilly.

“So? How was your gathering with the girls?”

“It was nice,” she said cuddling at his chest. Oh, how she had missed his scent and warmth and those big hands caressing her body.

“Did you open your gifts?” he asked her before kissing her on the forehead.

“Yeah…” she murmured remembering all the clothes and toys, then got up enough to look at him. “Umm… do you know why would people gift me things for a child right around the birthday of our dead daughter?”

Ben blinked confused, then parted his lips and made an uncomfortable grimace.

“Oh, I… I guess someone must have mistaken the gift bags.”

For some reason, she didn’t really believe him.

“I’m so sorry if they made you uncomfortable. I should have checked before, but I didn’t want to go through your things without your permission… again.”

“It’s ok,” she shrugged. “Maybe we can keep them and use them in the future.”

She looked at Ben with an innocent look on her face, unsure of his reaction. However, her adorable giant smirked and kissed her on the cheek, making her entire body feel a nice tingling sensation.

“I’m sure we will use them very soon.”

_ Oh! _ she smiled excited as her cheeks turned pink for a moment. She bit her lip again and got on her knees unbuttoning the silk pyjama top.

“There  _ is _ something I liked among those gifts. I think you might like it too,” she said revealing her periwinkle lace bra. “It would be such a waste if w-”

She didn’t get to finish her sentence as Ben pulled her back in his arms and kissed her pulling down her top and the straps of her bra.

“Do you mind?” she moaned between kisses as she was straddling him, but Ben only answered with another kiss and with his hands hastily pulling down his own pyjama pants.

“Promise me you’ll always love me,” she breathed heavily as she welcomed him inside her. “And promise me that we’ll always be together.”

“I do. I promise,” he kissed her, gently touching her breasts.

“Tell me you love me as much as I love you!”

“I love you,” he giggled. “I love you the most… for now.”

_ For now? _ she furrowed, but without saying anything. Ben managed to distract her with his delicious lips and magic fingers. They had to talk, just not yet. Maybe later, after they’d finish making love or… Ben licked her neck, slowly pushing her on her back to make his way down her breasts.

Maybe in the morning.

Yes.

In the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to 'Snuff' by Slipknot (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXEKuttVRIo)


	28. Start writing stories on my skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you for the support and all the theories. With this rather short chapter (my favourite along with ch.1 and ch.22), all the mysteries come to an end. There is only one chapter left and an epilogue set in the future. I decided to post this chapter sooner as I've been quite sick for the past two weeks and now I might need hospitalization.   
Enjoy!

The morning came much later than expected and this time Rey woke more than happy and utterly satisfied. She stretched her arms and legs, then rubbed her eyes yawning. Her day had ended surprisingly… lovely. She had managed to make love to Ben without him rejecting her or her feeling any fear or disgust. And she had Rose, Finn and even Poe back and, most importantly, she had a truly amazing sister. Indeed, she had lost so much, but maybe she could rebuild her life and make it better than before. All she needed was her strong will and the support and love of her family. 

She massaged her stiff neck as her smile slowly faded away feeling a presence in the room. Her eyes moved from watching Bee play with the curtains to the door. Even though she hadn’t heard it open, she was sure the cold breeze came from…

_ Oh no! _

She jumped startled and opened her mouth to scream for help, while her hands were reaching for the closest thing she could use to protect herself. But instead of jumping on the bed to grab her and drag her back into that bunker, Kylo Ren lifted his hands without taking any step closer and spoke to her on a patient tone.

“It’s ok, Rey. It’s me.”

Rey relaxed hearing his voice, then put the lamp down as she noticed all the details making him different from his dead doppelganger. It shouldn’t have been like that. She wasn’t supposed to fear him. Not after the night they had spent together making love over and over again.

“I’m sorry,” she whined. “You scared me.”

“No worries. May I?” he asked her for permission to sit next to her on the bed. Rey nodded feeling incredibly awkward to have Ben do this, so once he sat on the bed, she jumped in his arms and kissed him on the neck, eager to prove him that she did not fear  _ him _ .

“Where have you been?” she asked upset about not waking up in his arms. She missed having his possessive hands holding her tight and making it a challenge for her to get up in the morning.

“I had to run some errands with Kaydel.”

“Work stuff?” she smiled finally happy that she didn’t feel any ounce of jealousy.

Ben kissed her neck making her giggle and gently squeezed her naked thigh.

“Mmmno. It was actually something for you.”

“For me?” she looked at him in disbelief.

“Yeah! It’s a surprise,” he said getting up and stretching his arms, revealing his happy trail. Rey pouted, suddenly having other plans for that morning. However, Ben was having none of it. He grabbed her lifting her in his arms and took her to the bathroom.

“Are you going to make love to me?” she purred playfully biting his earlobe, but Ben only put her down and headed back to the bedroom. That was not part of her plan. Was he really going to take her out to see people judging her and mocking her again? What if someone from Hux’s family wanted to get revenge on her for all that mess? Or maybe he was alive and still lurking. 

“Wait, Ben!” she begged. “I don’t want to get out of the house. Please.”

He turned and looked at her with a gaze full of love and compassion, then he licked his lips as if waiting to find the right words.

“I can’t go outside and face the people,” she insisted. “I know he’s dead, but I’m-”

“You will be safe with me. I promise. Now be ready in twenty minutes.”

Twenty-seven minutes later, Rey was wearing a floral dress in pastel shades of blue, snake print boots and a beige light coat. She quietly got in the car and remained silent the entire trip, mostly staring at her fingers and sometimes at the trees. Her mind was empty and only the jazz playing on the radio was filling it every now and then, making her hum.

She inhaled deeply when they reached the big city and lowered her head even more. It felt as if any person on the street was judging her or spying on her for Hux.

“Are we going to meet Kaydel?” she finally asked with her voice trembling. They had discussed opening a new cafe in the city, so maybe they were about to see some commercial spaces for rent.

“Mmmno,” mumbled Ben chewing on his bottom lip. “She went to see if she can replace her documents and cards and get a new phone.”

“Ok.”

She pursed her lips and continued staring at her hands. Maybe she could ask Rose to let her cook from home for a while, while managing the cafe on her own for a while. And with her sister on sick leave, maybe she could ask Kay to come visit her more often. Also, she hadn’t asked Ben about his job. He had been locked up in jail for a couple of days and then he was in the hospital. And even though he had been working from home and only part-time, he had barely worked at all! Not that she minded it, though. Maybe they could cook together for Finn’s show and for the cafe in general… just like before.

Rey lifted her head to speak to him, but her lips remained parted as she noticed him enter underground parking. After parking his wife’s car carefully, Ben got out with her hesitantly following him to the elevator, which took them up to the lobby of a hospital.

“Are we going to visit Luke?” she grabbed his sleeve and pulled it to show her anxiety. But Ben only shook his head making her even more frustrated.

“Why are we here?” she asked on a tone revealing her still very fragile state of mind. She seemed to be moments away from an emotional meltdown, making Ben realise that indeed, maybe she shouldn’t have left the house just yet. The place was very bright and warm and the music playing in the speakers was quite relaxing, but maybe just a little bit annoying, because it made the place look like a clinic. She looked at Ben blinking slowly and letting a tear escape her. He was going to have her hospitalized for a while. She was sure of it. After all, her head was a mess even with her memories back. But perhaps it was better for everyone as she had experienced too many traumas and heartbreaks. At any time, one of her meltdowns could end up in her suicide or her attacking someone else. She was a danger, a walking timebomb. 

“Luke and I have done some digging and we found something. Well… someone.”

Rey furrowed, his voice pulling her out from the pit of despair and paranoia. If that place was not a hospital, then maybe it was a retirement home. Were they going to meet some distant relatives of hers? But she already knew that no one has ever been interested in meeting her before and Kaydel confirmed it as well, so what was even the point. Besides, by the looks of it, the friendly uniforms worn by the employees, the warm colours and the cartoon themed patterns, it was more like a place for children. A… kids centre?

“Are you ready?” he asked her with a huge smile, revealing how excited and tense he was.

“Why are we here, Ben?” she panicked grabbing his hand as he headed towards the sliding doors. Once inside, Rey looked around at the tiny chairs and the tables covered with colouring books and crayons, the building blocks, the dollhouse, the toy kitchen, the green carpet with dinosaurs and the white wallpaper with pastel letters. She squeezed Ben’s hand and whimpered as she heard him sniff, barely holding his tears in.

“Miss, we’re here now,” his voice was trembling, though he had cleared his throat.

Rey looked at Ben in confusion, then at the nurse in pink scrubs leaving the group of children she was supervising. She passed by another group playing and went to a small child playing all alone with a plushie and a baby blanket. She whispered something, then the child got up, took her hand and, skipping, approached them.

Rey let out a loud gasp and covered her mouth smiling.

“Are we here to adopt li-”

She stopped once her eyes fell on the blanket. She’d seen that blanket before, in her dreams. No! They were not dreams. They were memories. Memories of her touching her swollen belly while holding a pair of knitting needles.

_ It’s almost done, my love _ , she remembered her own voice soothing the baby after another kick. After the baby calmed down with the kicks, she covered her pregnant belly with the blanket she had knitted. It was not perfect, but she hadn’t knitted in years, only sewn, and it was a miracle her abductor had been willing to even provide her with something to keep her mind from going mad. She touched the names written on the blanket and smiled.

_ I may not know what you are, but I made this for you. And here is your name. If you are a boy, your name will be Benjamin, after your father. Here is also an S for Solo. And if you are a girl, I want you to be named after my favourite character. Well… except your name will not end with an E, but an A. _

“She was the only baby brought around the time you were gone,” said Ben with a trembling voice. “They thought Benjamin was her last name, but there were too many coincidence and too many similarities. I had nothing to lose, so I filed a request for a paternity test and Kaydel for a DNA test in your absence. They both came back positive.”

Rey bit her lip to not let out a loud cry in front of all those children, but her legs were too weak. She fell to her knees just as the child saw them and recognized them.

“Ben! Rey!” she called running to them with the biggest smile.

“Anna!” she cried opening her arms to hug her. Oh, her sweet smell and the silky chestnut curls and that tiny body that was now a tad bigger than back when she was growing inside her! She was  _ her  _ baby!  _ Her  _ little daughter! She gently pushed her to look at her, cupping her face. She analysed her thick eyelashes, her dark eyes, perfect little mouth and button nose, then looked at Ben, who was carefully kneeling next to her, with a pained face.

“Hi,” he whispered with a hoarse voice. 

“I missed you,” scolded him Anna, while grabbing his thumb with her tiny hand. “You are here for my birthday?” She then looked at Rey and counted on her fingers. “Four cupcake?”

Rey laughed wiping her tears.

“Cupcakes only for Anna, Fufu, Ben and Rey?”

Her daughter nodded.

“No cupcakes for the other kids?”

The little girl pursed her lips, then shrugged.

“Mmmno?”

Ben chuckled recognizing so many of his traits in his little girl, while Rey started crying again. It was too beautiful to be true.  _ She  _ was too beautiful. In fact, she was perfect and more than anything she had imagined while being pregnant.

“Why sad?” asked Anna on a lamenting tone.

“I’m not sad,” she smiled and tried to tuck Anna’s hair behind her ear, though, being her father’s daughter, the curls jumped back where they stood before. “I am actually very happy.”

“Let’s go, Anna,” approached her the nurse once again and the little girl grabbed her hand.

“Where are you taking her?” panicked Rey almost yelling at the woman and throwing herself at her to snatch her daughter back. She wouldn’t allow anyone to take her ever again. However, Ben put his arm around her shoulders soothing her and helping her to get up.

“It’s ok. She’ll go play with the kids while we sign some papers.”

But she couldn’t leave her! Not even for one moment.

“Can’t  _ you  _ sign them and I stay here with her?” she whined breaking his heart to fill it with more love for her. “I’ve already lost so much time, Ben.”

He shook his head and massaged her neck, then turned to the nurse, who was now trying to make Anna leave with her.

“Say bye, Anna.”

“But I don’t wanna!” protested the fiery youngest Solo and Rey burst into tears knowing that her baby wanted her. 

“No, Anna,” tried the nurse to calm her down, but she kept pulling back to her parents.

“No, you!” she yelled. “I wanna stay Ben and Rey!”

Acting quickly, Rey kneeled in front of her once more and took her other hand.

“It’s ok, Anna. It’s ok, my love.”

“It’s ok,” repeated her daughter. She had Ben’s angry gaze, but the way she clenched her jaw was just like she did.

“Look,” she sniffed caressing her adorable curls. “You go with the nice lady and pack your bags and we’ll come to take you when you’re ready.”

The little girl furrowed just like her dad and kept looking at the three adults.

“Go where?”

“We’re going home, my love.”

Her eyes grew wider and she looked at her caretaker who nodded, then opened her perfect little mouth and let out an excited squeak.

“Rey home!” she jumped, then stopped and look at her all serious. “Ben come too?”

“Of course! You’ll live with us.”

Anna squeaked and jumped again making them laugh.

“Now let’s go, Miss Benjamin.”

“Solo,” corrected her Rey and the nurse chuckled nodding.

“Let’s go, Miss Anna Solo.”

“Wait!” Anna pulled back again and ran to Rey. She hugged her and kissed her on the cheek, then wiped her wet cheeks with her tiny hands. Rey was so overwhelmed that she did not know how to react and just watched her daughter look at all serious before saying one more word.

“Pancakes?”

The weather was so much warmer in the city, allowing them to sit outside and enjoy their drinks. Rey sniffed staring at a pigeon courting another pigeon on the light pole. She had been crying and stopping to take breaks every couple of minutes. Now it was break time and so it seemed to be for her husband too. She lowered her gaze on his trembling bottom lip as he sipped from his cup of coffee. She took her glass of lemonade but did not feel like drinking and refilling her supplies of water for more tears.

“I don’t know how to thank you,” she uttered surprised by the fact that she managed to say a word without crying. “I just can’t believe she’s alive and ours.”

Ben checked his phone and handed it to her, showing her an article about a baby being found in a trash can by a hungry stray dog. The howling and barking had alerted the people and she was rescued. 

“She was found covered only by her blanket,” she sighed. “She was only a few hours old long, premature, hungry and cold. But she fought like a warrior and now look at her how feisty she is. She’s… wonderful. Perfect.”

Rey smiled with teary eyes, feeling so happy that Ben loved their baby girl as much as she did. She couldn’t believe that she had ever doubted his beautiful heart and blamed him of not caring.

“She was so close,” she whispered. “We held her in our arms and I swear I felt something inside me, but I thought it was just my need for a baby, not that it was my blood calling hers. Remember that I wanted to adopt her?”

“Yeah,” he said biting his finger. “To be honest, we were lucky that no one else took her. It would have been a nightmare to fight in court over her. Kaydel already pulled enough strings to let us take her home.”

“What do you mean?” she furrowed anxiously at any suggestion that her daughter could not return in her arms.

Ben took another sip and scratched his chin suddenly missing his beard.

“Well… we were not supposed to just take her with us so soon, but until we’re getting our parental rights back, we have her in our care.”

Rey bit her lip as she broke with only one push of the finger the wooden stick used for mixing the honey and mint puree with the lemonade.

“I won’t allow anyone to take her away from me, Ben. She’s  _ mine _ .”

“I know, don’t worry,” he calmed her brushing his thumb against her wrist.

“Here is your order!” startled them a very cheerful waitress as she put on the table a styrofoam casserole dish and the bill. Ben pulled out his wallet and paid the young girl who smiled, grateful for the large tip.

“Let’s go!” he told Rey pointing at the dish. “Our daughter demanded pancakes and we must deliver them.”

Rey smiled taking his hand and let him guide her outside.

“Do you think she’ll grow to love us?” she asked while they were crossing the street.

“Well… I am still surprised you love me and I fell for you at the first mischievous smirk, but, unlike us, Anna is too clever. We might have to bribe her.”

Rey chuckled and pulled his hand to kiss him on the cheek. She was the happiest and she couldn’t believe that it was all real. She squeezed his hand fearing that it was all just a dream and that she would wake up only to find herself Kylo Ren’s prisoner once again.

“The gifts…” she found herself saying before entering the centre. “You  _ knew _ . I mean… they were for Anna.”

“Yeah,” he admitted smiling shyly. “You were not supposed to see them, but I grabbed them all at once. I’m sorry for keeping the secret, but with the Easter and spring break, the offices were closed and I know you would have insisted to go see her right away. At least we didn’t have to wait much.”

“Just three years,” sighed Rey with sadness and Ben took her hand and kissed it. It was all going to be fine. He couldn’t wait to tell Luke that they’ve done it. They did not only find Rey, but they also found Anna. Maybe the old man was grumpier and less active than he used to be thirty-five years before, but he was sure he would adore her and see her as his granddaughter now that neither Rey or he had living parents. And if Rey managed to rekindle her relationship with her adopted brother and long lost sister, he could rekindle his relationship with Luke too. Maybe help him with his drinking problem and get him to hang out together more. Maybe eat together a couple of times per week and ask him to teach Anna how to ride horses. He could also tell Anna all sorts of stories and train her bright mind with puzzles and mysteries, while Rey and he enjoyed a date night. They were going to be a big happy family.

“Rey! Ben!” waved Anna at them holding her toy elephant and carrying a Tweety Bird backpack. Rey let him go and ran to her, lifting her in her arms and twirling together. His heart grew watching the two laugh, but for some reason, he was suddenly feeling dizzy and very sad. His heart was hurting. He lifted his gaze and watched his daughter call for him as Rey’s face turned slightly worried as if asking him what was wrong. He kept pressing his palm on his chest and with the other hand he pulled out his phone from his jacket. He had a couple of missed calls, but as soon as he checked the numbers, his phone rang again. The voice echoed in his entire body as he looked at Rey with a desperate gaze, calling her silently to come by his side. She did run back to him, holding Anna and grabbed his hand once his phone fell on the ground.

“He died, Rey. My uncle died.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to Ana Coman's song, 'Run' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsXcVmPc98c).


	29. I don’t love you but I always will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As my fever is oscillating, I've decided to write this final chapter in one sitting.  
Whereas this is the official last chapter, I am going to write an epilogue sometime soon, when my fever goes down a little bit.  
I'll also go back to editing my other Reylo story, Drown your lovers, which a bit darker, and continue it after a long break in which I dedicated myself to this story. Aaand I'm currently working on a Reylo/Beauty and the Beast AU. So if I impressed you with Find Me, then maybe you'll give me another chance.

With the sun setting and the raindrops hitting her window like the fingers of the ghosts from her past tapping to get her attention to pointlessly try to make her let them inside, Rey was almost asleep. Nothing could hurt her anymore, especially now that her baby was in her arms. She smiled as Anna sighed in her sleep, and brushed her finger against her tiny hand. In those few days they have spent together, Rey reached the conclusion that motherhood was terrifying, but also the best thing that could have ever happened to her. Anna was fascinating and she loved discovering new things about her every now and then.

Every morning, Anna woke up on her own and went to the bathroom to wash her face, brush her teeth and hair and dress up. Once she was ready, she would return by her mother’s side and cuddle at her chest, caressing her cheeks until she eventually woke up for a lovely session of kisses and tickling. After Rey was ready as well, she would normally change Anna’s clothes as the little pumpkin wasn’t that great at putting on her clothes just yet, then they enjoyed a nice breakfast together. Anna sure loved arugula, bell pepper and feta cheese sandwiches and a tall glass of milk. Once their bellies were full, Anna had a strict schedule and she refused not having her mother respect her schedule. So until lunch, they were not allowed to do anything but Anna’s favourite activities and Rey sure didn’t mind painting and playing with her daughter. Moreover, she was slowly trying to integrate her hobbies in her job. She was not sure whether her daughter would inherit her passion for cooking and baking, but so far, she seemed to be enjoying decorating cookies and bagels and making shapes out of sugar paste. Once exhausted after all the playing and arts and crafts, she ate her bowl of soup and vegetables, then dragged Rey with her in bed for her nap-nap. Usually, Rey took advantage of Anna’s nap time to clean, do the laundry, cook or just stare at her in awe, watching her breath, whimper and seek her body for her maternal warmth. Hours later, the youngest Solo was going to have a snack, usually something sweet, before lazily retiring in her mother’s arms for another less demanding activity such as reading, playing with Fufu and Bee or watching cartoons as her mom was making her new toys, completing Fufu’s family. Before falling asleep again, it was bath time and Rey had learnt from their first night together that she was afraid of getting inside the bathtub, but loved the water and playing in it… unlike Bee. And once all clean, depending on how tired she was, Anna drank one last glass of milk before asking her mother to read her a bedtime story as she caressed Bee. 

“Isn’t she the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen?” she said as Ben entered the bedroom, trying to make no noise. He parted his lips to point out that she was no longer a baby, but Rey didn’t need another painful reminder that they’d missed her first three years, so he just nodded fascinated with his daughter’s face oscillating between grumpiness and joy.

“You know… it’s so easy to figure out when she’s dreaming because she furrows just like you do.”

“Yeah… she’s a cuter mini-me,” he chuckled joining them in bed and caressed her tiny hand, letting Anna grab his finger and hold it tight. With her other hand, she was holding Rey’s hand, who was still analysing every single feature on her daughter’s face.

“I made this…” she reached for Ben’s hand and he took it without any hesitation this time. “We made this.”

Ben continued to remain silent, looking at Anna pursing her lips and sighing. He bit his lip trying to keep himself from laughing too loudly and waking her up.

“I wonder what’s she dreaming.”

“She’ll tell us later. Her nap is almost over.”

She looked at Ben and caressed his fingers with her thumb.

“This morning she told me about how she dreamt her mommy from the sky.”

Ben’s face softened seeing Rey’s wet eyes and chewing on her lip.

“It’s ok,” he took her hand to his lips and kissed her sensing the faint aroma of cinnamon on her skin. “It’s been just a couple of days. She’ll get used to us and learn that we are her parents.”

Rey furrowed and pulled her hand out of his. It’s been a couple of days that she adored, but that didn’t change the fact that she had been mostly a single mother. Regardless of how selfish she was, she wanted Ben to be part of their daughter’s life and be the family they were supposed to be.

“It would help a lot if you spent more time with us and move back here.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Please don’t do this.”

“Do what, Ben? Remind you that you broke your promise less than one day after making it? We were supposed to be a family and you bailed on us!”

“I don’t want to have this conversation right now,” he tried to calm her down, especially now that Anna was getting rather agitated in her sleep. Rey got up and stormed to him, pulling him by the arm and dragging him into the walk-in closet.

“What’s your problem?” she lashed at him.

“This,” he opened his arms exasperated and Rey raised an eyebrow rather confused before he continued. “The fighting and the toxic environment for our daughter.”

Rey shook her head, not believing what she was hearing. 

“_Our_ _family _is a toxic environment for Anna?”

He said nothing, avoiding her gaze. 

“You still want to divorce me,” she concluded, clenching her fists.

“Need I remind you that you asked me for the divorce?”

Oh, no! She was not going to allow him to put the blame on her or act all the conceited. 

“Look, Rey…” he sighed. “I’m not going to take Anna away from you or ask you to leave this house. I will be present in her life for as long as she wants me to be, but it is better for you two to be on your own and make up for the lost time.”

“Without you,” she snarled with her eyes getting wet.

Ben sat down on the bench and looked at her. Despite his serene face, Rey knew him very well and could read the misery in his eyes.

“I can’t have Anna live with us if we keep arguing all the time. even if it means giving her up and taking care of her only when you allow me or when you’re busy. And you too deserve to be in a relationship with someone less fucked up and maybe younger.” 

Rey snorted. Living with Anna those past few days, she finally understood how young she was and how unprepared she was when it came to taking care of a child. But that was why he was there. They were supposed to learn together and grow together… but he ended up bailing on her… them.

“I…” his voice trembled and he inhaled deeply, licking his lips. “I can’t help blaming myself for everything. Luke is dead because of me, because of how reckless I was. And so are my mom and dad. I dragged you in this relationship full of misery and I couldn’t even take care of you. You were right under my nose and I let him take you and torture you. Because of me, you’ve lost Anna an-”

“Ben, shut up!” she said grabbing his head and kissing him. At first, he rejected her, but as his body recognized her touch, he parted his lips, allowing her to make love to him. They stopped only when Bee’s unhappy meowing distracted them. They turned and looked at a sleepy Anna holding the poor cat like a bag of potatoes. 

“Ben!” she smiled and ran to him, throwing herself in his arms. Rey took the poor cat as her daughter was focused on climbing in her father’s arms.

“Hey,” he hugged her back. “How are you, my love?”

“Hungry,” she said focused on rubbing her palms on his chin, giggling at his stubble tickling her. “Eat pie?”

“We have warm apple cobbler with cinnamon and vanilla ice cream,” said Rey taking his hand as he carried Anna downstairs. He put her on a chair and pulled another one to sit next to her as Rey served three slices of cobbler with a huge scoop of ice cream.

“I see you’re not fans of healthy dinners,” he chuckled looking at Anna as she grabbed a teaspoon and shoved in the ice cream.

“It’s her dessert from lunch,” explained Rey joining them and barely hiding her smile. That was the closest thing they had ever had to a family meal. “She usually doesn’t eat dinner.”

“You stay?”

Ben looked at his adorable daughter, who already had cinnamon on her nose. He chuckled, not being able to resist her charm. As Rey previously said - they made that gorgeous little girl. How was it possible for someone so perfect to come out of a monster and a poor girl?

“So?” asked him Rey with a serious look on her face. “Are you going to stay, Ben?”

“Pleeeeeease!” begged him Anna pressing her cheeks to make a funny face.

Stay with them? If he had done that, he wouldn’t have been able to leave that house ever again. 

“Umm… I brought you a present!” he got up all excited and left the kitchen, returning with a gift bag. He put it on the table and let a very curious Anna take it. 

“Whoa!” she smiled.

Following Luke’s death, Ben had to call Kaydel to take Rey and Anna to the mall to buy all the necessary things for such a small child, while he took care of his uncle’s remains. Those past days, he had been busy with the funeral and taking care of Luke belongings, so that he ended up not finding even five minutes to buy something for his daughter. Of course, she had the gifts he got her with Finn, Poe and Rose, but he wanted to give her all the things in the world. And maybe they were not modern, but he knew that Anna would love his old puzzles and  _ Babar  _ books just like he used to. In fact, had he not loved them so much, perhaps Luke wouldn’t have kept them in a box in the attic. 

Anna pulled out the puzzles and books.

“Read book, yes?”

Ben sighed and looked at Rey, who just shrugged with her arms crossed at her chest. She was really going to watch him succumb to the will of a three-year-old girl. 

“Rey draw?”

She nodded and got up taking the empty plates and the teaspoons, dropping them in the sink, then took the mug full of coloured pencils and the paper off the counter. She put them on the table and pulled her chair closer to Ben’s. Anna was now sitting in his lap, spreading the puzzle pieces all over the table. 

“Do you want me to help you with the puzzle or draw you something.”

“Mmm…” pursed Anna her lips just like her mother. “We puzzle and Ben draw.”

The two parents chuckled. She had already noticed that Ben was the one with artistic talents. 

“What do you want me to draw?” asked Ben playing with her curls.

“I want Fufu and Anna.”

He took a sheet of paper and a turquoise pencil. 

“Do you want daddy to draw you an elephant?”

Rey raised an eyebrow and smirked, making Ben look confused at her. His mouth opened in a silent exclamation and his gaze immediately lowered on his daughter, who was now staring at him with narrowed eyes as if analysing him. For a moment, he hoped she hadn’t heard him, but he already knew that she was too clever to not understand him.

“Ben is Anna’s daddy?” she asked as if interrogating him.

He did not know what to answer, too afraid of her rejecting him or having a shock.

“Do you want me to be your daddy?”

The little girl looked back at her puzzle and pursed her lips concentrated on matching the pieces. She slammed her tiny fist on the table, forcing the puzzle piece to go into its right place. 

“Mmm…” she began murmuring and, knowing her, her parents sighed ready to hear her rejecting Ben’s offer. But she was his daughter and she was going to be just like him - unpredictable. She looked at him again and smiled. “Yes?”

Oh, that was too much for his heart! He hugged her, then pointed at his wife.

“And Rey? Do you want her to be your mommy?”

Anna turned to look at Rey, but instead of a similar reaction, she furrowed and spoke on a radical tone.

“Mommy sky.”

Ben expected Rey to shrug and act all brave, but it seemed that her daughter’s refusal to accept her as her mother was the last straw. She stormed out of the kitchen, slamming the bedroom door behind her.

“Why Rey sad?” whined Anna.

“Let me show you something,” spoke Ben gently, kissing her head. He put her on his shoulders, making her giggle and took her to his study. There, he put her on his desk and went to grab Rey’s childhood photos and one of his, with him and his mom.

“Look, Anna,” he sat on the chair and pulled her in his lap.

The girl looked at them for a while, then at him.

“Anna?” she asked pointing at his photo.

“No, this is Ben and this is my mommy. She is in the sky too.”

“Ben mommy sky?” she pouted with sadness.

“Yes and look at this. Who is this?”

“Anna?”

“It’s Rey.”

The little girl furrowed and kept looking at the photos and her image reflected in the monitor. Maybe it was too much for someone so young, but even if she couldn’t just understand yet, she was most certainly aware of the resemblance. She kept touching her nose while pointing at Rey’s, then her hair, pointing at Ben’s.

“Ben?” she called him grabbing his chin.

“What, my pumpkin?” he caressed her puffy cheeks.

“Ben my daddy, yes?”

“Rey-Rey?”

Rey rolled her eyes and sniffed.

“I want to be alone, Ben.”

“But we have a surprise for you.”

Sighing, she got up as Ben opened the door, entering with Anna in his arms. He put her down and the little girl ran to her mother.

“For you,” she smiled handing her a piece of paper half her size. Rey wiped her tears and took it rather reluctantly as her daughter jumped in her arms and sat on her knee. “Here!” she pointed at her drawing. “Ben and Rey and Anna and Fufu and here mommy sky. Ben say Rey mommy sky too.”

She looked at Ben rather confused. What was her little mango trying to say?

“I told her that our mothers are in the sky as well and that we now have each other. I also showed her some photos of us around her age.”

“I want Rey mommy here,” explained Anna bored by the adult talk. “Ok? I like Rey.”

Rey smiled tearing up again. She hugged her daughter and kissed her cheeks. The tiny mango sure loved all the pampering and attention.

“I love you!” said Rey peppering her with kisses.

“I know,” laughed the girl. “Bath now?”

“You want your bath already?”

“I want Ben bath.”

Rey looked at her husband with a suggestive smile. He capitulated with a nod and took Anna back in his arms as Rey went to fill the bathtub with water.

“You come in?” pointed Anna at her dad and then at the water. “Water scary.”

“It’s not scary,” he kneeled, holding her to touch the water with her fingers. “See? Warm and good.”

“Yeah, but come in?”

Ben shook his head with an amused grin. His wife kneeled next to him and together they undressed their mischievous daughter. She did scream when they put her in the water, but before her tears even had the chance to come out, she was already waving her hands under the water, watching them all fascinated.

“I love her so much,” admitted Ben, watching her play with the foam. “She’s perfect.” 

Rey took his hand and they looked at each other feeling more in love than ever.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“For what?”

“She’s probably going to be my only child ever, so I must thank you for giving me such an amazing gift.”

Rey bit her tongue, not wanting to cause a scene in front of their daughter… again. But of course, she was not happy with him being a loving father and yet refusing to be the family they were meant to be. Instead, she kissed his cheek, squeezing his thigh. 

“Well… she’s going to be our only child for now. I do plan to have this house full of baby Solo’s in the next ten years.”

She playfully ignored his red cheeks and focused on her daughter. Once Anna was all clean and her hands were all wrinkly, they covered her with one of their huge white towels, making her look like a burrito, then took her back in the bedroom. Rey let Ben take care of Anna while she came back with a clean pyjama. They dressed her in her green pyjamas with dalmatians, then let her hide under the duvet, with Bee soon following her.

“I should be going now,” said Ben feeling a sharp pain in his chest, which ended up amplified by Anna’s sad face.

“But I wanna sleep Ben and Rey!” she whined. “Your promise story!”

He capitulated once more. And after three bedtime stories, some Scooby-Doo episodes, some maze games and Anna’s reenactment of her favourite Looney Tunes episode, she capitulated as well. Once asleep, Ben let himself fall on his back and stretched his arms and legs, then rubbed his eyes. 

“She’s something.”

“She’s usually not this agitated, but she was afraid you would leave and she wouldn’t get to see you again.”

Ben looked at his wife with a guilty look on his face but decided to change the subject.

“Have you taken her to the doctor?”

“Yeah,” she nodded not understanding his sudden question. “She’s perfectly healthy. A bit small for her age, but she’ll grow tall and beautiful.”

“And her speech? Shouldn’t she speak better for someone her age?”

“She’s only three,” snorted Rey rolling her eyes. “Besides, she speaks perfectly. She’s just lazy and hasty and doesn’t want to waste precious time and words. If you catch her in one of her good days, you’ll be surprised by her complex sentences. She’s very smart.

Ben agreed, admiring his sleeping daughter as he and Rey said nothing else, letting an awkward silence build a wall between them.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” she said much later. “The funeral was really beautiful and it’s great that he was honoured like the hero he was.”

Ben furrowed as he was chewing on the inside of his cheek.

“Yeah… How do you know about the funeral? I asked Kaydel to announce you, but she told me that you couldn’t come.”

“Well, I couldn’t come at first,” she yawned. “I didn’t want to expose Anna to a funeral, but I had to go with Kaydel to change the plaque on Margaret’s grave anyway. We buried the remains of her son in her grave and wrote ‘beloved daughter and sister’ on the plaque. It happened on the same day as Luke’s funeral, so I watched it from the distance. I’m sorry I couldn’t be by your side.”

“It’s fine,” he shrugged. 

“You know…” she said biting her lip. “Luke didn’t die for us to be a family only to disrespect him by divorcing and sharing Anna every now and then.”

“Rey, please…” 

“Don’t you love me anymore?”

“No, I don’t!” he said on a radical tone, then quickly looked at Anna, who was still sleeping. “I don’t love you anymore, Rey, and if I must say this a thousand times, then I’ll do it. You need to divorce me and find yourself a nice man who can love you and give you all the babies you want and the safety you deserve.”

She chuckled licking her lips.

“So you don’t love me anymore?”

“No, I don’t. All the secrets, lies and accusations killed my love for you.”

“Ok,” she shrugged, then turned her head to look at the rain. The flashes of lightning and the thunders were so scary that it surprised her how Anna had been ignoring them all evening. “You shouldn’t be driving in this weather,” she remarked. “And it would make Anna incredibly happy to have breakfast with you tomorrow. Maybe you can also join us at the farm to see the animals.”

Ben intended to reject her offer, but he was indeed afraid of driving in that weather and he was dying to spend more time with Anna. 

“I guess I can go to sleep in the guest bedroom.”

“As you wish,” stretched Rey getting up. “I’m going to take a bath. These past few days I’ve got used to taking baths with Anna, but today it seems that I’m going to take one by myself, especially now that you no longer love me.”

Smirking like Bee when her belly was full of chicken, Rey took off her plain grey cotton dress, exposing her latest gift from Dahlia. Ben stared at the baby blue lace and mesh bodysuit, realising why it had taken Rey so long to bring Anna’s pyjamas. His eyes followed Rey as she strutted on her way to the bathroom, realising that he had lost the war with this final capitulation. He went after her, grabbing her arm and wiped that smirk off her face with the hungriest and most desperate kiss. 

***

“Horsey!” giggled Anna as the instructor helped her ride the pony. Rey waved at her, feeling proud of her brave little girl and equally amused by her helmet and boots, then returned to the table, by Ben’s side. She took his hand for a romantic moment, but he remained cold and distant. She couldn’t understand why. After the night they had spent together, she had hoped that maybe they were going to be fine. He had devoured her mouth and kissed every inch of her body and even after their bath, still unable to sleep, they hid in the guest bedroom for more caresses and kisses. Once they finished, they barely found the strength to return by Anna’s side and the three of them slept together. In the morning, Anna woke up before them and after she finished brushing her hair, teeth and washing her face, she returned by their side, wearing only underwear and socks. She alternated between hugging and tickling each one of them until she made sure that they were awake. Still rather exhausted, Rey went downstairs to prepare the breakfast as Ben changed Anna’s clothes into something more suitable for their trip to the farm. After some nice and delicious French toast, they left even with Bee wearing a harness for cats. 

Therefore, if their time together had been so lovely, then why was Ben acting like that?

“What’s wrong?” she whispered worriedly.

“We’re going to have a visit tomorrow afternoon from the child protective services.”

“Why?” she furrowed. “I mean… isn’t it too soon?”

“Not for someone in our situation. Anna was found in a trashcan while I was in jail and you were kidnapped. We’re not exactly the most reliable people.”

“But we’re her parents. Of course, we’re taking care of her and giving her the b-”

“Her bedroom is not ready yet,” spoke Ben ignoring her panicked voice. “And my work situation is not the best and you haven’t been working as much as before. We can say that we have decided to take some time off to spend every minute with her and that we have money in the bank and an inheritance from Luke.”

“Ben,” she grabbed his wrist with a feral look on her face. “I won’t let them take her away from me.”

“See?” he said biting his thumb nervously. “That’s why I told you that we should get a divorce. I’m a bad influence and I’m only going to make things more complicated for our case. Anna is not safe around me.”

“Ben, what on earth?” she furrowed. “Don’t you think that I’m scared all the time? I watch her sleep and I’m afraid that she might suffocate in her sleep and die without me even noticing. Or choke on her food. Or drown in the bathtub. She can be safe for years and then get hit by a car on her way to school. I’m panicking every single moment, but I choose to be present and enjoy this experience without letting those bad thoughts poison my heart. I can’t isolate her from the world. And if I am an incompetent parent, but still trying, then you have no excuse to bail on us at this point. The only way you can help us is by being present, by being a father and a husband.”

She stopped from her rant as the daughter of the farmer came to them with a wood cutting board full-on which she had a fresh out of the oven bread, and a tray with onions, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, salt and boiled quail eggs. She thanked the girl and waited for her to leave to carry on with her rant.

“So… Ben Solo. Tell me how me being a single mother in the middle of a messy divorce would help us keep Anna and not have her taken away permanently?”

Ben sighed and took a slice of bread, dipping it in the sour cream. 

“I’ll move back home today. When we leave this place, I’ll drop by Luke’s house to check if everything is fine and to take my things.”

“Great,” she smiled, though she was not feeling victorious at all. Ben seemed to have sensed her bad mood as he caressed her shoulder, soothing her pain. 

“We won’t lose her, Rey-Rey. I promise.”

She smiled and looked at Anna laughing as she was riding her pony. She was not going to lose her again or ever. Not to the services, not to death.

“Best day!” jumped Anna with a terrified Bee in her arms. The animal had been chased by a bunch of fluffy ginger cats all day long and was now tired, despite sleeping on the bench for a long while Anna, too, slept in her father’s arms. Now it was dark and the employees of the farm were preparing the fireworks for the show.

Once the sun set, more people began gathering with their children to watch the concert and enjoy the barbeque. Anna even got to befriend some of them, though Rey was beginning to believe that her daughter was a tiny dictator. They kept running around, playing with the animals as their parents listened to the romantic blues performed by local students. Though, it took Rey a lot of strength to listen to her own advice and just enjoy the moment, ignoring the fear she felt regarding the upcoming visit. 

“We should do this more often,” suggested Ben watching his daughter jump like a kangaroo. 

“We should,” nodded Rey feeling more relaxed as he hugged her with his huge body.

“Oh, I totally forgot about this,” he said shoving his hand in his pocket. “The police found it in a box in what was left out of Maz’s house.”

Rey gasped as he revealed her long lost engagement ring. Ignoring the bad memories attached to how she had lost it, she covered her mouth laughing excited. Ben took her hand and put the ring on her finger. She watched him kiss her hand completely mesmerized and in love with him as the fireworks began lighting up the sky.

“Mommy, daddy, look!” yelled Anna all excited.

Rey’s jaw dropped at the sound of her daughter’s voice calling her like that. Her eyes filled up with tears and she looked at her husband.

“I love you the most, Rey-Rey,” he admitted as he leaned in for a kiss. There was no need to ruin the kiss with her confession. He knew her heart had always been his and only his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to The Civil Wars - Poison & Wine (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNlxKH9Jtmc).


	30. Neither ever...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for delaying the end of this story for so long, but the flu epidemy and my weak kidneys have kept me from being productive. I've been working on the epilogue for quite some time now and I have around 17 pages and I am not done yet, so I will post it in 3 parts.

“Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three, seventy-four, seventy…”

“Why did you stop?”

Rey bit her lip and sniffed, wiping her tears. He dug the brush in her scalp and she closed her eyes, understanding that he would not give up anytime soon and that it was pointless to avoid his question and even more useless to try to lie to him.

“I dreamt it again,” she admitted. “I was in my house with Ben and our daughter. She liked elephants and riding horses and I loved her  _ so  _ much. If only I could hold her, I would be so happy. Please, Kylo. Please…”

He said nothing and that silence was worse than any other threat. It meant that he was angry and that she would get punished. Biting her lip even harder, she wept. It all had been so beautiful inside her mind. If only she could sleep all the time. 

“You need to think positive thoughts, my love. Father and daughter are together now.”

Rey turned to face him with a serene look on her face. She smiled full of hope and looked at that dreadful mask without feeling any fear for once in her life, then put her shakey palms on his chest, barely finding her words. Maybe he wasn’t that cruel after all.

“You took her to him? Is she safe?”

She shook her head and chuckled. Of course she was safe! Ben was the greatest father a woman could choose for her baby. And Anna was going to be so much like him, but much stronger and confident. And one day she would return to them and they would forgive her for not fighting enough and for wasting so much time.

“Oh, dearie,” he tilted his head. “They’re both in hell and you know it. She was food for the stray dogs and he killed himself. Rey-Rey, how many times do we have to go through this?”

“They’re dead?” she whimpered feeling everything inside her break. “But why? She was… and Ben was…”

“This is a reminder that you made a huge mistake choosing him, a weak pathetic man. He chose death over you. And you both failed that thing you gave birth to. You see? It’s a sign that it should have never happened. Fate erased them from your life so that you can start all over again.” 

“But I love them!” she cried.

“You can’t waste your love on dead people, sweetheart. Now you can be all mine,”

“All yours,” she repeated remembering her wedding vows and kissing Ben in front of their beloved friends. What it would have been like to have him by her side while giving birth and take care of Anna their entire lives.

“All mine,” he insisted, putting his fingers around her neck and squeezing. “All  _ mine _ .” 

Rey gasped for air while staring at the ceiling. The vomit was up in her throat and she had to inhale a couple of times until her stomach and heartbeat calmed down. She got up barely standing on her own, then left her warm bed and comfortable bedroom. It was dark in the house, except for a dim light coming from the old guest room. She had gone to bed rather early, so it was probably a little bit over midnight, meaning that  _ someone  _ was still awake and grumpy.

“Oh, you scared me!” she jumped once Ben got out and bumped into her. “What are you doing here at this hour?”

“Anna called me. She wasn’t feeling well.”

Rey shook her head with a disappointed look on her face, biting the inside of her cheek. She wasn’t sure whether her daughter was indeed sick, which made her feel even guiltier for having doubts, or if she just wanted her father, which made her feel unloved and a failure as a mother.

“She threw a major tantrum this morning. I left the nursery door open and she saw all the toys and the crib, so she panicked. She thinks I’m going to replace her.”

“She’ll get over it once she’ll replace you with the baby,” chuckled Ben as Rey gave him a deadly glare. “Look, I can talk to her. You know she’s sensitive and Phasma’s kids have told everyone that Anna was an orphan abandoned in a trash can.”

“Oh, no!” she grunted massaging her forehead. “We’ve decided to keep the kids out of this mess. Just wait until Kaydel finds out and we have to go through another process.” She stopped massaging her head and sighed. “So she knows and she hates me… and James.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” he squeezed her shoulder. “She loves you so much that she’s afraid she’ll lose you to someone else. She’s my daughter after all.”

“Don’t I know?” she chuckled but turned serious immediately. “But she did tell me that she hates me and the baby. I was even called by one of the moms to ask me why I cancelled her birthday party. She told everyone that her birthday party is cancelled and didn’t even bother to tell me. I was supposed to get up in a couple of hours to prepare food and sweets for twenty kids who wouldn’t have even come. And their parents see me as this selfish monster who cancelled her daughter’s birthday just because she has some backaches.”

Ben smiled at her and she furrowed at his annoying composure. Maybe the backaches and fears emerging through those horrible nightmares had been making her rather grumpy and a little bit too oversensitive. 

“Look, I’ll take care of Anna and her tantrums. Don’t worry. I’ll take her to the farm tomorrow and you can rest.”

Rey nodded and caressed her swollen belly.

“How’s James?” asked Ben looking at a sleeping Anna through the ajar door.

“He’s been a bit agitated after the argument I had with Anna, but he is sleeping now. I’m surprised I didn’t wake him up with my nightmares.”

“What nightmares?” he looked at her with a worried face. She had managed to keep those nightmares a secret for weeks. 

“Well…” she sighed. “The last time I was this pregnant, I was locked up and I had my baby taken away from me for three years. I keep having nightmares that I’ve never escaped and I  _ swear  _ they’re  _ so  _ real, Ben.”

Ben took her hand and kissed it as she sniffed. She was so beautiful despite her messy hair and sleepy puffy face. In fact, he could have sworn that pregnancy made her prettier than ever and incredibly adorable with that watermelon she kept carrying under her shirt. Smiling, he approached her and kissed her forehead, pretending that he hadn’t noticed her biting her lip as if inviting him to bite it as well. It had been only a couple of months since they had last made love… if humping all over the living room was to be called ‘making love’.

“Daddy?”

Rey jumped alarmed at the sound of her daughter’s voice, but Ben calmed her down with a gentle brush against her naked shoulder. 

“You go to sleep and I’ll go take care of Anna. Ok?”

“Ok,” she agreed with a hesitant nod. “I’ll just go get some tea and then I’ll go back to bed. Are you going to stay here tonight?”

“I’ll sleep with Anna if it’s ok with you two.”

“No, it’s fine,” she shrugged. “And James will be fine as long as I am so… Just make sure to lock the door.”

Ben watched her go downstairs, feeling her anxiety like burning rays reaching his own skin, then entered his daughter’s bedroom. Sometimes it seemed so surreal to have that old guest bedroom turned Rey’s private bedroom during her amnesia as his daughter’s little perfect chamber. He jumped over Anna’s collection of toy elephants and Bee and her adopted kittens sleeping between the toy teacups, then got in her bed. Admiring her long eyelashes touching her cheeks, he kissed her forehead knowing that nothing could ever feel the same.

“Mommy found out about your plan,” he whispered playing with her now almost pitch black curls. “She wasn’t very happy about you lying to her.”

“I wasn’t happy either,” she murmured cuddling at his chest. That was the sign that she wasn’t going to carry on that conversation. Knowing her and knowing himself, Ben didn’t insist and just hugged her still very tiny body.

“Daddy and mommy love you so much, Anna. Never forget this.”

“I know,” she sighed. “But my tummy hurts now, daddy. And so does my chest.”

“Is my baby’s little heart broken?”

She nodded and started sobbing as Ben held her tighter. She fell asleep still crying just before Rey entered the bedroom. She smiled despite being equally broken-hearted, then approached them. The bed was rather small for two people, let alone three, but with Anna still being so small and Ben being a couple of centimetres away from falling out of the bed, Rey managed to sneak in it as well. Now that Anna was asleep, she could touch her and hold her without facing her rejections and tantrums. Those last five years have passed so quickly that every now and then, she feared the mere idea of having Anna grow up and become an adult. She had fought so hard to protect her that with each recent failure, she knew that the time when she could no longer protect her was slowly coming and turning her precious baby into a feisty young lady.

“It will all be fine,” tried Ben to ease her pain and worries. Rey laid her head in his palm as he was gently stroking her belly with his other hand. He chuckled feeling the baby kick and looked at Rey, who couldn’t help feeling sad and remind herself of all the things they had missed during her first pregnancy and Anna’s first years.

“Do you think I should have waited some more? I don’t even know how to take care of a newborn.”

“You’ll be the perfect mother and this grumpy lady here will be the perfect helper and sister.”

Rey looked at Anna’s dry tears, then at Ben’s gorgeous eyes looking at her with nothing but love. She swallowed her tears and pursed her lips. Maybe Anna’s temper was not all Ben’s genes. 

“I’m sorry, Ben-Ben,” she murmured admitting after a long time that it was her selfishness that had once again hurt their relationship and pushed him away.

“It’s ok,” he smiled feeling the baby kick again. “We’re all going to be ok. Don’t worry.”

He kept saying those words, but she couldn’t  _ not  _ worry. The fact that they were sleeping in Anna’s bed instead of theirs was the living proof that everything had a limit.

The next morning, after another tantrum, Anna finally agreed to have her mother join her and her daddy on a trip to the farm, but only with the condition that she would take care of Bee and her kittens while she rode her favourite horse. Despite being now officially only eight years old, she was the best horse rider in the entire town and auntie Kaydel had promised to help her attend as many contests as possible now that her mommy was busy having someone new to love.

As if guessing her thoughts, Ben reached her and gently pinched her leg.

“Daddy, do you think mommy will take me back to the orphanage now that she’s going to have a new baby?”

Ben’s lips thinned in a firm line. His precious daughter should have never found out like that about her past.

“I know that I’m adopted, daddy. The other kids told me and I know that there are no photos of me as a baby in the house.”

“You’re not adopted and even if you were, there wouldn’t have been a problem about it. Do you remember that story you used to love so much?”

“The one about the princess locked up in a tower by an evil ogre, who had to hide her baby in a basket and send it away so that the ogre wouldn’t eat it?”

“That one,” laughed Ben. “Well… the princess was your mommy and you were the baby in the basket.”

Anna looked at him with her huge dark eyes, now understanding what Rey must have felt each time he looked at her with puppy eyes. His heart melted immediately, but despite all that love, he couldn’t help feeling miserable about Rey’s and Anna’s pain and fractured relationship. It was too early and only he knew how much Rey had suffered even when Anna was still just a random child she had fallen for. And how much  _ he  _ had suffered believing that he had lived a lie. He had reacted poorly even as an adult. Of course, his baby daughter had reacted equally bratty.

“But I was found in a trash can, daddy. And if you were the prince, then you’re a pretty terrible prince and you can’t be one, because you’re the best daddy in the whole wide world.”

Ben laughed again, unsure of what to say. She was right. He had been a pretty terrible prince for Rey, but at least Anna adored him as her father. 

“I guess we’re not as nice in real life or else we wouldn’t need fairy tales anymore. But what I was trying to say is that your mommy can have dozens of new babies, but her love for you will always be the same. Love can only grow stronger and bigger.”

“But the baby,” she protested.

“Tell me, my heart. Do you love me?”

“Of course!” she furrowed almost insulted.

“And do you love mommy?”

“She is the best mommy in the world even though we’ve argued.”

“And do you feel less love for her just because you love me?”

Anna pondered the question, then looked at her father with a serious gaze.

“I love you differently. Mommy is mommy and daddy is daddy. I love auntie Kay and auntie Rose too, but differently. Just like I do with uncle Poe and uncle Finn… and uncle Luke and grandma Leia and grandma Reyne and grandma Maz.”

“Exac-”

“And grandpa Han and grandpa Caiden.”

“I kn-”

“And great-grandma Margarita and great-grandma Padme.”

“I know, baby!” stopped her Ben from mentioning all their relatives.

“And Bee and her kittens.”

“Well then,” he sighed amusedly. “If you are able to love so many people, then why can’t mommy love another baby?”

“Because she is  _ my  _ mommy. What if she likes that baby more than me? You know… I told her that I hate her.”

Ben shook his head rather lost.

“Your mommy knows you love her and that you didn’t really mean it. But it would help more if you would stop being so mean to her.”

“But you’re mean to her too!” she defended herself. “You always make her cry in the middle of the night!”

Ben bit his lip knowing perfectly well that his cheeks were seconds away from turning red. 

“Yeaaah, but she forgives me because I  _ apologize _ ,” he coughed. “However, yo-”

“I think mommy peed her pants,” she giggled and pointed at Rey.

Ben ignored her remark for a moment, then realised the implications and turned to look at Rey. She was cupping her belly and looking at her wet turquoise dress and brown suede boots. She lifted her head and made a pained grimace as a contraction hit. It seemed that Anna was about to get a baby brother for her birthday,

For a giant peach, baby James Solo seemed so tiny and fragile in his mother’s arms that Rey refused to even consider letting him go for a couple of hours so that the both of them could get some sleep. She nervously bit her nail once more, then gently touched his button nose and weird-looking skin. The boy responded with a grimace and clenched his tiny fists. He was going to be another feisty one.

“I can’t stop staring at him,” laughed Rey with her eyes still filled with tears of love. “He’s gorgeous.”

“He looks like a toad.”

Rey gave her husband another deadly glare. How dare he call her son a toad!

“He is  _ perfect _ . If there’s anything slightly wrong about him is all because his daddy had a huge appetite even when I was heavily pregnant.”

“Sure, blame it on me,” laughed Ben brushing his finger against his son’s. James immediately grabbed it and squeezed it, making sure that his father would irreversibly fall in love with him, unless he hadn’t the first moment his eyes met his.

“He sure is amazing,” he kissed Rey. “Are you going to let me hold him?”

“Mmmno,” she laughed never taking her eyes off her son. “I just want to hold him until I’m sure that he’s safe.”

“You can’t hold him until he turns thirty!”

Rey pinched Ben’s nose just as someone knocked at the door. Carrying a huge heart-shaped balloon and an even larger gift bag, Kaydel entered dragging inside a rather reluctant Anna, who was also carrying a huge gift bag and a smaller one. They were supposed to go buy Anna a birthday gift together, but someone else sure had different plans.

“Hey!” smiled Kaydel all excited. “Where’s the new babe?”

“Here he is,” introduced Rey her new grumpy baby. “Oh, and please tell my husband that baby James doesn’t look like a toad!”

“All babies look like toads,” laughed Kaydel ignoring her sister’s deadly stare to take out an adorable teddy bear suit for her new nephew. “Look! Isn’t it cute? It’s from Anna and I and… Come on! Don’t look at me like that! You know your babies are the only babies I can tolerate.”

Rey rolled her eyes, then caught the glimpse of her daughter hiding behind her aunt. She pursed her lips and looked at her mommy and the bundle of red-pinkish flesh she was holding. She furrowed, then finally gathered the courage to approach them, especially after her dad winked at her and invited her to come closer.

“He looks like a baby elephant,” she murmured and Rey exhaled relaxed. “I like him. He’s cute.”

Rey’s eyes got all watery and not just because someone finally had something nice to say about her baby, but because she hadn’t expected Anna to be that willing to accept her brother. She looked at her beloved husband and caressed his hand before sighing and handing James to him. Now the baby looked even tinier in his father’s giant arms. 

“Look, Anna. He’s James.”

“Does he have another name?” she said tilting her head and analysing his face. “I’m Anna Benjamin Solo. Shouldn’t he be James-something Solo?”

“How about Rey? James Rey Solo?” suggested Kaydel, but once she saw her sister make a disgusted grimace, pretended she had said nothing.

“Why not Luke?” said Anna pressing her finger against his cheek. The baby immediately grabbed her finger, making her gasp fascinated as he seemed to have stared at her for one moment, before making a grimace similar to a smile.

“Mommy!” she exclaimed looking at Rey, who was sort of considering her daughter’s suggestion. “I love him! Can we keep him? I want him as my birthday gift!”

The three adults laughed and Rey nodded. 

“Baby James Luke Solo will be part of our family for forever.”

“Thank you, mommy!” jumped Anna in her mother’s arms and Rey let out a sob. Oh, how she had missed her daughter’s lovely hugs. “I love you the most, but don’t tell daddy,” she whispered as Rey kissed her cheek.

“Same,” she smiled, then looked for a moment at her husband as he rocked the baby, visibly overwhelmed by everything. “Happy birthday, my mango!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The titles of this chapter and the following two are a reference to Apparat - Goodbye (https://youtu.be/66VnOdk6oto)


	31. Nor ever...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue part 2

***

“Come on, kid!” laughed Anna clapping as her brother struggled with his horse. Unlike her, it took James more years to get the courage to mount a horse. Of course, James didn’t have her fiery personality, after all, being rather more pensive and quiet. He enjoyed working with their father, despite being only nine, and found fascinating all that talk about the quality of wood and the design of some brand new Brazilian furniture, and the texture of their cucumbers and kumquats. Somehow, she was envious. She was able to understand her father’s business and was capable of designing gorgeous gardens as he did, and she was a good baker, helping her mother since she was about James’ age, but she felt no attachment yet. She could not see herself designing all the gardens and homes in the entire county, nor as a renowned baker or a celebrity chef like her uncle. In fact, her cousins Ernesto and Maddie didn’t seem to care about their parents’ jobs either. And even though being a producer and editor like uncle Poe seemed rather boring, at least uncle Finn’s job was a little bit more exciting. 

“When can I ride?”

Anna looked at her other cousin, Esra. Auntie Rose had adopted her knowing perfectly well that the poor girl was paralysed and had few chances of survival. However, with all the dedication and care she could provide, Esra was still alive and now able to use her hands, despite her legs still not showing any chance of improvement. Anna kneeled in front of her and gave her the violet she had found by the fence.

“When the weather gets better. I promise.”

The girl took the flower, smiling shyly and let her cousin take her on a stroll. It was a beautiful day for late October, despite the lowering temperatures and the cold breeze. She looked at her brother finally dominating that horse and smiled proudly, before looking at her family sitting at the table. Uncle Finn was talking as usual about his latest culinary discovery, whereas uncle Poe was playing with Ernesto, Maddie and auntie Kaydel’s step-children too, as she was busy scolding her husband for being on the phone even at family gatherings. Pregnancy was making her rather irascible, unlike her mother, who had been perfectly fine during her latest pregnancy, but rather hysterical when it came to having a teen daughter, a shy nine-year-old and mischievous twin toddlers under the same roof. Not that she didn’t love Alexander and Holly - after all,  _ she  _ named them after her characters from her favourite cartoons and books - but they were sure something.

“Oh, sorry,” she said stopping suddenly as she almost hit the person in front of her. “I was not paying attention.”

“It’s fine,” said the strawberry blonde tall man. In fact, was he even a man? He couldn’t have been much older than her. “You have pretty eyes.”

Anna shook her head all surprised, then giggled blushing, unsure where was that coming from. Her dark eyes were rather gloomy and scary, unlike his, which were the perfect mixture of green and blue.

“So do you,” she smiled.

“Well…” the boy scratched his cheek and she could swear that his cheeks were pinkish. “See you around… umm…”

Oh, so that was what he was trying to do! Anna rolled her eyes and offered him her hand for a friendly, yet firm shake.

“I’m Anna.”

“Elias,” he smiled flustered by the touch of her skin on his, “Well… bye.”

Anna watched him leave, biting her lip. He was cute for sure and so shy, despite his height. In fact, it was amazing that he was so tall, given her own very long legs, inherited from her gigantic father.

“You know you can’t talk to him?” snorted Esra, lifting her glasses.

“Why so?” asked Anna too smitten to care anyway.

“He’s a Hux.”

Her eyes went wide and mouth opened in a silent exclamation. Everyone knew that Armitage Hux had kidnapped her mom, killed her grandmothers, aunt and almost two cousins. Perhaps she wouldn’t have cared that much as the past was in the past, but even now, looking at her mom and dad playing with her toddler siblings, she couldn’t help feeling envious, knowing that when she was around their age, she was in an orphanage, far away from her parents. But the Hux’s were a bunch of social pariahs anyway, only making themselves remarked through their vast fortune. Their kids had been bullies, who still had the guts to spew venom regarding her family and past. However, Elias seemed rather nice. And as if knowing that she was thinking about him, Elias turned around to look at her and smiled again, waving. Anna waved back, then started pushing Esra’s wheelchair again. Maybe someone, at some point, had to bury the hatchet. 

The first step to burying the hatchet occurred a couple of days later, one morning when she was feeding the toddlers while her mom and dad were packing some boxes full of goodies for the cafe. Alexander was squeezing the cherry tomatoes in his chubby hands, staining his white T-shirt and blue pants, whereas Holly was too busy feeding her toy duck. She had made that duck for her baby sister just like her mom used to make her toy elephants. The toy looked fine, though the details were not the best, but at least Holly adored it just like she adored her adorable curls and button nose. All the Solo kids looked pretty much the same and it was fascinating.

“Bember, Anna!”

Anna rolled her eyes at her brother’s feisty personality. If James had ended up so sweet after all, Alexander was for sure going to be just a mini-her. Trying to avoid a handful of tomato juice all over her shirt, she cut a cucumber into four and gave Alexander two pieces, as Holly looked at her with huge eyes, waiting patiently for the other two.

“Ring-ring?” whispered the little girl and her older sister turned to look at James running to the front door. Panicking, Anna licked her fingers and ran after her brother. He was not supposed to answer the door to strangers… or talk to strangers ever in his life or at least as long it concerned her.

“Jamie, wait!” she called right before slipping with her wool socks on the shiny floor and landing right in the arms of their guest. She blinked with a shy smile, then uttered a hello.

“Hey, sorry for dropping by unannounced,” Elias smiled back. “I was taking a stroll and I saw your mom and dad, so I decided to check on you. Sorry if it’s weird.”

Anna chuckled at his constant need to apologize, then licked her lips and he did the same.

“It’s fine. I was actually getting ready to go to school. Would you mind taking me there?”

“No, I would love to.”

Anna barely kept herself from jumping all excited, mostly because it was awkward and she had just met him, then turned to look at her brother, who had a funny look on his face. If anyone was going to be her little conspirer, that would have been her beloved James.

“You know how much I love you, don’t you?”

“I’ll take care of the twins and then ask dad to take me to school,” he sighed and left to check on his younger siblings, who were giggling and throwing vegetables at one another. Anna exhaled trying to calm down that excitement in her chest, then grabbed her black hoodie and backpack. 

“Love you, pumpkins!” she waved at her siblings, feeling rather guilty for leaving James with those little demons. However, as soon as her eyes met Elias’ once again, her guilt was all gone and she grabbed his hand, trying to pretend that she hadn’t noticed his red cheeks and nervous blinking.

“You’re not in high school anymore, are you?” she asked once her house was no longer visible. It was a weird question, but considering how Elias didn’t seem to have any intention of breaking the ice, at least it was a first step in making him finally say something.

“Oh, no!” he chuckled. “Thank, God! I’m a med student.”

So he really was older than her. But it couldn’t have been that much of a bad thing or a bad thing at all. Her beloved daddy was so much older than her mom and that hadn’t stopped her from pursuing him until they got married and had four pretty babies.

“You want to be a doctor?” she asked fascinated with the idea that someone truly knew what he wanted from his life.

“No,” he admitted and Anna mouthed a silent disappointed exclamation. “Not really. Most of the men in my family are doctors, so I was told I should be one too. I didn’t have much of a choice, tho.”

“But you get to save lives. Isn’t that at least a little bit fascinating?”

“So far, all I’m doing is analyse bones and stare at corpses pretending that I don’t feel like throwing up every ten seconds.”

The young girl giggled and, for a moment, she could have sworn that Elias looked at her with a similar gaze to the one his father had each time her mom smiled. And she seemed to feel the same butterflies her mom mentioned having in her old stories about how she fell for the grumpy Ben Solo.

“Why are you here?” she asked fighting the urge to touch his cheek.

“Umm… I sort of ran away from college. I needed some time alone, though I probably shouldn’t have come back here.”

Anna shook her head.

“No, not that. Why are you  _ here  _ with  _ me _ ? I guess you know who I am, right?”

“Oh, yeah,” he made an uncomfortable grimace. “I know my uncle kidnapped your mom and… stuff. And I know my siblings had been rude to you when we were in school. I guess I felt somehow responsible to check on you and make sure that my family hasn’t fucked up yours for good. I am really sorry about everything. He seemed like a nice guy.”

“You needn’t apologize,” she shrugged. “We’ve lost… a lot… time and people we loved, but my parents love each other and I have some adorable siblings. We’re a cool family, I guess.”

“I wish I were that lucky,” he sighed and Anna bit her lip furrowing, making him feel pressured to give more details. “You see… my family used to seem cool too, but then uncle Armie happened and ever since my grandpa died and your aunt sued my family, everyone turned so bitter and… fake. We’re not really a happy family, but we’re supposed to pretend we are one and I hate it. I saw yours and I simply fell for those smiles and that energy. A family meal in my house is simply a boring meeting and the sound made by cutlery. Umm… sorry for boring you.”

Anna snorted again at his need to apologize and how less tensed he seemed now that he had finally taken off his chest all that pain. Too bad their families had hurt each other so much that they both ended up with deep scars. She had to constantly remember that she didn’t grow up with her parents in her first years and he had to constantly remember that his family had covered up a criminal.

“Hey, Anna…”

She lifted her head rather nonchalantly but blinked confused once she saw the desperate look in his eyes.

“Do you think we’re doomed to become what we’re most afraid of? I mean… what if I’m going to be just like him and all because we share the same blood?”

She parted her lips unsure what to say. It was not the best idea to make a joke about the rest of his family not being any better, so she put her warm hand on his shoulder and smirked knowing that she looked just like her mother when she did that.

“A bad person wouldn’t worry about such things,” she spoke on a soft tone. “I need to go to class now, but if you ever want to hang out while you’re still in town… you know where I live.”

Elias nodded with a shy smile, then leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Anna felt her cheeks burn and, for a long while, she stood there frozen, watching him continue his stroll and seek a solution for his inner turmoil. Was he going to be her first teen crush or was it too soon to read that much into their small talk? Maybe the world needed people to just be friends first and foremost. Especially those whose families were at each other’s throat.

That weekend and many walks and chats later, Anna was brushing her loose curls when she felt her mother’s warm hand touch hers. She closed her eyes and, smiling, enjoyed that great hug and the kisses on her cheek. She turned to hug back her mother, then took a step back to admire her red dress.

“Are you and daddy planning to make some more babies tonight?”

Rey chuckled, then shrugged with a rather serene look on her face.

“I don’t think your father wants more babies just yet and I think the twins are going to be enough for a while.”

She bit her lip, then hugged her daughter again.

“Thank you so much for taking care of everyone tonight. Your dad and I needed this night out.”

“You know you can always count on me,” said Anna feeling slightly guilty about lying to her mother. She and Elias could have met any other day, but with her parents away, she had decided to also enjoy a special walk that didn’t resume to her being taken to and from school. The twins were going to be put to be bed and James was going to enjoy his cartoons and video games until he would fall asleep as well, and, knowing her parents, they wouldn’t come back until early in the morning. So she was going to have a proper night off herself.

“What is with that smile, my mango?”

The girl blushed at her old nickname and let Rey caress her cheek. No matter how tall she was now, she was always going to be that little girl who approached a stranger just to steal her toy elephant and her heart, not knowing that they were mother and daughter.

“I love you, mommy.”

“I love you too, my beautiful girl,” hugged her Rey, inhaling her sweet smell. “I will always love you the most.”

“Just don’t tell daddy,” she giggled just as Ben entered holding the twins, who were laughing like crazy. Rey approached them and took Holly for a session of kisses and tickling, making Anna’s heart hurt. It was not fair. She could barely remember her childhood, but somehow, just knowing that she didn’t have all those things and that she had been so close to never having he r parents back, it was always going to make her feel like an outsider in her own house. Faking a smile, she took Alexander and allowed her father to give her one of his amazing forehead kisses, before they finally went to check on James. 

“Anna?” whined Alexander until she brought him closer for a long kiss on his chubby cheek. The boy giggled and she decided to follow her parents, making sure that they were actually going to leave instead of feeling guilty about leaving them all alone and end up staying.

“Maddie and Ernesto are going to come stay with you,” said her father while he caressed her shoulder. She furrowed no longer being able to control her emotions, even though that meant almost giving away her plans as her father raised an eyebrow at her sudden reaction.

“Why?” she almost yelled.

“Your uncles are attending a gala tonight and they were going to drop Ernesto here anyway. Maddie just decided to join in and keep you company. Aren’t you happy?”

Anna pushed her hair behind her ears and pursed her lips. She loved the two, but it was not fair… unless…

“No, daddy,” she gave him a fake smile. “It’s fine. Maddie will help me take care of the kiddos. You just go have fun.”

Ben Solo was not going to be fooled by his own adorable daughter, no matter how much she had grown up. However, he decided to let her enjoy her little lies and focus on his wife, who didn’t seem to be so willing to put down her youngest daughter. After some protests from a very tired Holly, she finally let Anna take the twins and they left the place, but only as soon as the Dameron kids entered the house. The girl sighed rather frustrated at her own situation and rudely ignored her cousins. Ernesto didn’t care much, joining James in his bedroom, but Maddie immediately observed the tension coming from her favourite cousin. She analysed her with her green eyes and furrowed, but didn’t get to ask her what was bothering her as the girl stormed inside her bedroom and came back wearing a velvet mini-dress, a pair of long boots and a leather jacket. Maddie gulped and pursed her lips

“I have something to do tonight. Please take care of the kids and if anyone asks about me, I went to the pharmacy to get some… umm… stuff.”

“Anna, wait!” Maddie ran after her. 

“Not now. See you later!”

Anna slammed the door behind her, desperate to not let Maddie make her waste any time, and threw herself in Elias’ arms, who smiled shyly at her embrace. She then took a moment to look at him and bit her bottom lip as he admired her, completely absorbed by her beauty.

“Where do you want to go, m’lady?”

“Anywhere. Far away from here.”

After a nice date at the movies, some burgers and a late horse ride at the farm, the two love birds were only one street away from the Solo’s home when they noticed all the cars blocking the road. Not paying too much attention to them, they kept walking until they saw the ambulance parked in front of her house, as well as her parent’s car, the Dameron’s and auntie Kaydel’s. Letting go of Elias hand, she ran to her house and stormed inside, slamming the door, just as she had done when she left it hours before. Breathing heavily, she looked around until she found a paramedic bandaging Holly’s arm. The poor babe had her face all swollen up and red from the tears she had cried. In a similar state was also Alexander, whose face was not only red from tears, but also bruised, whereas his palms were bandaged. 

“Anna!” he cried and she ran to him only to be stopped by her mother grabbing her arm. With her makeup smudged after crying for the past couple of hours, Rey glared at her daughter with an empty stare until it started alternating between hatred and disappointment. Anna’s bottom lip trembled and not only because her arm was hurting, but because it was the first time her mother had looked at her like that. She hadn’t look at her like that when she threw tantrums, nor when she failed an exam now and then. She never saw the disappointment in her eyes when she preferred spending time with her father or auntie Kaydel, nor when she ruined a huge delivery by changing the ingredients in the bowls. However, everything had a limit.

“Let her go,” interfered Kaydel, although Rey didn’t even pay attention to her plea.

“What happened?” whispered Anna.

“What happened?  _ What  _ happened?” snarled Rey at her eldest child. “We left this house with the promise that you would take care of your siblings. Instead, you left them on their own and they almost died!”

“You’re exaggerating!” Kaydel raised her voice.

The girl looked at her aunt, then at the twins, then back at her mother.

“I… I left Maddie to take care of them.”

“Maddie is  _ not  _ their sister!  _ You  _ are! How could you have been so selfish and irresponsible, Anna Benjamin? I’m surprised you didn’t ask James once again to take care of them!”

Oh, so she knew… Anna shook her head with her eyes filling up with tears.

“I just… I swear I never thought anything bad would happen to them. Maddie was here and she was supposed to just put them to bed. What even happened?”

“It happened that they somehow got downstairs and spilt hot water on them, while you were God knows where. In fact,  _ where  _ were you, young lady? I’m waiting for an explanation.”

“She was with her boyfriend.”

Mother and daughter looked at Maddie Dameron and her devilish smirk. Maybe Rey was too blinded by fear and rage to notice it, but Anna sure furrowed at that strange smirk. How did the twins even manage to get downstairs and pour boiling water all over them? They could walk and sometimes run for short distances, but not climb down the stairs or reach any chair or piece of furniture. It was perhaps unfair to even suggest that Maddie had anything to do with it, but still… 

“Do you have a boyfriend, Anna? And you didn’t even bother telling me?”

“He’s not my-”

“He’s a Hux, auntie Rey.”

Anna glared once more at Maddie, this time being absolutely certain that her smirk was pure evil as were her intentions. If that was supposed to be her revenge for bailing on her… 

“You’re dating a  _ Hux _ ?” spoke Rey overwhelmed by disgust and Anna once more furrowed. How dare she? She had read her notes and heard that story over and over again. She knew how much her mother had fought to be in a relationship with her father and how much her father had suffered following all the false accusations and gossip. Elias was not to blame for his uncle’s crimes and his parents’ disgusting stubbornness.

“Oh my… Anna, did that boy enter our house?”

Was she now suggesting that he had anything to do with the twins’ accident?

“Mom, no! Elias is a nice guy, I swear!”

“Not that nice if you kept your little rendez-vous a secret.”

“Why are you acting like this?” snapped the girl. “It was an accident and I am… not your freaking nanny, nor should I be responsible for any of my siblings! You were the one who wanted more children, then deal with it!”

“I can’t believe I raised such an irresponsible daughter that she is not even willing to accept that she lied and messed up!”

“Raise?” laughed Anna bitterly. “When did  _ you  _ raise me? When I was in the orphanage? Is that your plan? To not be involved in your children’s first years at all and blame the others for your failure? Because you are a failure as a mother and I won’t have you blame me fo-”

Everyone gasped as the slap Rey gave her daughter echoed through the entire living room. Kaydel grabbed her sister’s arm to avoid another scene just as Ben entered the room with a sleepy James behind him. He looked at Rey’s trembling lips and tears streaming down her face once more, then at his daughter’s rather skimpy outfit and her hands cupping her cheek. He licked his lips and approached the two just as his daughter made a scary grimace and growled at her mother.

“I hate you so much! I hate you! I wish I had truly been eaten by dogs rather than live knowing you’re my mother!”

Anna ignored her father’s presence and ran upstairs just as the paramedic approached the Solo’s.

“The twins are fine. They need to remain hydrated and have their burns tended, but they are going to be perfectly fine. The wounds will heal and the scars will most likely disappear completely once they grow up.”

Ben nodded, then looked at Kaydel, who immediately offered to stay and talk with the paramedics and the police, while he took Rey’s hand and kissed her on the forehead as she cried.

“She hates me,” she whined weeping. “She hates me and her siblings.”

“She doesn’t. She’s a teen and mayb-”

“She’s dating Phasma’s son and Armitage’s nephew. What if that boy made her do this on purpose? What if she’s in danger, Ben? What if he is brainwashing her?”

Ben coughed torn between the urge to make fun of her paranoia and the pain he was empathetically feeling. He had once been like that too when she went missing and all sorts of thoughts and theories kept overwhelming him. 

“Sweetheart, it was just an accident,” he decided to calm her down. “The kids are going to be fine and Anna made a mistake. You can talk in the morning and everything will sort out just like before.”

“Stop being so calm!” she snapped pushing him and crying even more hysterically. “Nothing is ever fine! And I am so done with being the bad guy, while you’re always the hero!”

“Come,” he pulled her in his arms while his eyes never left their younger children. Jamie was now lying on the sofa, caressing his brother and sister, whose pained faces could break any heart. “Let’s take the kids in our bedroom and I’ll go talk to Anna.”

“Look at them, Ben. My poor babies...” she whined and Ben felt his heart break as well at the sight of James trying to cheer them up. Alex smiled for a moment, but Holly looked at him with her big eyes and made a pained face before crying again. 

“I know, my love,” nodded Ben. He wanted to add how Anna was still her baby as well, but he bit his lip and let go of her. He carefully took the twins, feeling his shirt getting wet with Holly’s tears, while Rey kept Jamie close.

“Do you want to sleep with mommy, my peach?”

Jamie hesitated for a moment, then shrugged. He had other things on his mind.

“Will Anna leave us, mommy?” 

“No, of course not,” she smiled nervously, although she wasn’t sure of her daughter’s intentions anymore. She looked at Ben for support, knowing perfectly well that even though he seemed to be focused solely on the twins, he had been listening to Jamie’s worries and was too questioning Anna’s plans. Still serious, he put the twins on their bed and took James’ hand to take him to bed as well, while Rey threw herself next to her youngest children. Their son had been a miracle baby after how badly damaged her body had ended up after Anna’s premature birth and the terrible treatment following her surgery. And then it suddenly happened again and there were two heartbeats and then two tiny babies crying in her arms. 

“Mommy, ow…” wept Holly and Rey caressed her curls and kissed her forehead. Except for her eyes, she was the living image of Anna. She held her as soon as she was born and they bonded immediately. So happened when she held Alex and Jamie, but her eldest child… no. She barely got to see her before that monster took her away and left her to die. And instead of letting her grow up peacefully, his own blood made sure Anna found out about their past and grow up marked by jealousy and by trauma even years after her mind had already forgotten about her time in the orphanage. Moreover, now that she was about to become an adult soon, his nephew was making her so full of hatred again and so utterly reckless. If he manipulated her under their own noses, she would soon be out of control and they would lose her.

“Anna, mommy,” whined Alexander as if reading her mind. Rey kissed his adorable chubby legs. It was so weird seeing him, her always happy baby, so fragile and sobbing. Just how on earth did they get downstairs and so close to an entire pot of boiling water? Why was even Maddie boiling water in that pot? And how come the twins had burns only on those areas? Their clothes were not wet at all-

“Did you have fun with cousin Maddie?” she asked assuming that the two wouldn’t understand much of her question. However, surprisingly, Alexander furrowed and Holly cringed.

“Mommy, no! No Manni!”

“Manni ow!”

_ Oh, dear! _ She sighed before running out of the bedroom.

“Ben, where’s Maddie?” she asked breathlessly. 

Her husband and son looked at her completely confused and Ben shrugged.

“Umm… When I entered the living room, she was leaving, probably to get Ernesto, so I guess she left with her dads and brother. Why?”

Rey shook her head still in shock about her own theory, then looked at Anna’s bedroom door and ran to it. She knocked twice, then opened the door. As expected, the bedroom was empty. Anna had run away.


	32. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue part III

Rey pulled in front of the Hux’s mansion still wearing her red dress and rather uncomfortable shoes. She had missed wearing high heels, but after that night, she would gladly go back to wearing sneakers and flats for the rest of her life. Trying her best not to twist her ankles on the gravel pathway, Rey ran to the front door, ringing and knocking until a young woman answered.

“What?” she yelled barely keeping her eyes open.

“Where is your mother?”

Phasma appeared with her hair wet and wearing silver pyjamas.

“Go to bed, Pheobe,” she pushed her daughter. “What do you want? Are you out of clients or do you miss our parties?”

“Where is your son?”

Phasma rolled her eyes and chuckled.

“You have to be more specific.”

“The one dating my daughter. Elias.”

“What?” she snorted. “Elias is far away from this provincial life. He’s studying to become a doctor. If he had the time to date a girl, be sure he would date someone who is classy and from a family like ours, not a seventeen-year-old brat found in a trash can.”

Rey clenched her fists, knowing that spending a night in jail for beating Phasma was not going to help bring Anna back or save her from that dreadful boy.

“From a family like yours?” snarled Rey. “So if your son is going to be a doctor is he also planning to kidnap my daughter to keep the family tradition? Or beat her, rape her and kill her like Armitage did to my sisters?”

Phasma slammed her fist making Rey jump startled.

“Don’t compare _ my _ son to _ your _ex-lover. Elias is too pure for his own good.”

The rage building inside her almost resulted in an explosive outburst, but Phasma’s last words somehow simmered down her anger.

_ No _! She shook her head. It was not the time to let herself get fooled by some words, especially ones coming from Phasma.

“Your son is here and he’s dating my daughter. I must say that I haven’t seen him myself, but they’ve been seen together and Anna admitted to-”

“I _ honestly _don’t care, Rey,” sighed the blonde woman. “I know my son and even if he truly were here and dating your daughter, I have nothing to be afraid of. He’ll have his fun just like you and your sisters did with Armie and he’ll end it as soon as he gets bored. Now please leave my property before I call the police.”

Rey took a step back as Phasma slammed the door in her face. She had solved nothing after all. Returning to her car, she grabbed her phone and called Finn. It was late, but it was highly unlikely for him to be asleep at that hour, especially after a gala. The phone rang twice before he answered with a worried tone.

“Hey, sis.”

“I need to speak to your daughter,” she said on a serious tone as she left Phasma’s property.

“Madeleine?”

“You only have one daughter, Finn. I really need to-”

“Rey, I left her at your place. We only took Ernesto. She said she wanted to stay with Anna.”

Rey bit her lip. It was a nightmare.

“What’s wrong, Rey?”

She shook her head completely forgetting about her suspicions regarding Maddie hurting the twins on purpose. Maybe, just maybe Anna hadn’t run away and was with Maddie on a stroll to clear her thoughts and reconsider her behaviour and bad attitude. Sighing, she ended the call without even answering to her brother’s question, turned left, then quickly hit the brake. She didn’t care about leaving her car door open or about her tired feet in those high heels and just ran to the man walking on the street… but not before grabbing a little gift Luke had left her. She could have been wrong and mistaken him for someone else, but those traits were too obvious and not even his soft features could hide the truth that was his blood.

“You!” she pointed the gun at him with a firm hold that could hide a little her hands shaking. If she had never had the chance to fight her abductor, then she would fight the one putting her daughter in danger. “Where is my daughter? What did you do to Anna?”

The boy was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice her the first time, still walking almost to the point of bumping into her. Once he acknowledged her presence, he parted his lips and blinked confused.

“Where is she?”

“I-”

“WHERE IS SHE?”

“Home!” he raised his voice as well, then looked again at the gun and cleared his throat. “She is at home.”

Rey watched him pull out of the pocket a phone and, after a few taps, showed her a bunch of messages, one appearing just as she was reading the most recent ones.

<<my dad is here i’ll call you later>>

Her muscles relaxed for one moment, but as soon as her eyes met the boy’s, she tensed again. 

“How do I know these aren’t fake and that someone else has her phone?”

“She’s home, Mrs Solo. And I know what my uncle did to you and your sisters, but I would never hurt her.”

“Don’t tell me,” she snorted with a disgusted grimace. “You love her.”

“No!” he jumped, though he immediately pursed his lips, analysing his feelings. “No,” he repeated shaking his head. “She is a great friend… my only friend right now. Even if I were to have feelings for her, I would not risk losing her friendship. I would never expect someone like her to fall for someone like me.”

He was right. Anna was so precious, beautiful and smart and he was… a Hux. Yet there was something about the way he spoke that evoked certain memories. She could have sworn that she had seen those puppy eyes and trembling bottom lip before, as well as heard the same insecurities coming from an equally shy giant.  
Rey furrowed and let the gun down.

“I have my share of guilt, but every trauma Anna has is the direct result of your family. Your uncle kept us apart and your mother and siblings, maybe you too, had to humiliate her and traumatise her. So I hope you understand why I don’t care about your little friendship or want you near her.”

He inhaled deeply then looked at the gun as he exhaled.

“Yeah… I see. But please trust me that I’ve never said anything about her. I didn’t even know until the entire school knew. And also trust me that it haunts me to know that I share his blood and that I might become like him.”

He was such a child. Rey sighed and massaged her forehead. She was being ridiculous and now that her panic and anger had simmered down completely, she could now realise that she had exaggerated. 

“How old are you, Elias?”

“Almost twenty.”

When she was twenty herself, she was a stupid reckless child completely and madly in love with someone so much older than her just because she was feeling abandoned and in need to give love. It all started with a friendship and being there for each other, but only she and Ben knew how things evolved and how quickly it all happened. And just like a flame burning too brightly, they went through so much pain. She didn’t want that for Anna. She was aware that she couldn’t save her from all the pain - after all, she had failed so many times doing so, but at least she could keep her from becoming a moth drawn to the flame.

“Your mother doesn’t know that you’re here.”

“No, and I would rather not have her know. But I guess you told her and she already called the right people to confirm it.”

Rey nodded, though she wouldn’t have expected Phasma to actually check on him given that she didn’t believe her in the first place.

“Where have you been sleeping?”

“We have an old cabin on our property, but sometimes I just walk and wander around until late and I either don’t get to sleep at all or sleep in the park until I can sneak in the cabin to change my clothes and take a shower. I have little cash left and my mom checks our credit cards all the time, so-”

“So what are you going to do when the money runs out?”

He seemed conflicted and completely lost. He had no plan, no idea what he truly wanted.

“I guess this was meant to be only a Sabbatical week? I mean, I guess I’ve always planned to go back to university. I had hoped to find here whatever it was missing, but that emptiness is still inside and…” He stopped for a moment and looked at Mrs Solo. She looked less feral and had that look for of compassion that Anna always had. “Sorry for boring you,” he chuckled nervously. “My mom always says that I am too weak and insecure.”

Rey parted her lips but said nothing and just turned to look at her car for a moment, before looking at the boy again.

“Do you want me to take you to your parents?”

He bit his lip and shook his head.

“Then we’ll do this. I’ll give you the keys to my uncle’s place. My husband uses it as his workshop. You can stay there for as long as you need, but only if you promise to stay away from Anna.”

***

“Still hiding in your favourite spot, aren’t you?”

Anna lifted her head and looked at her father entering the greenhouse, the quickly deleted her message and replace it with one that would pause her conversation with Elias for a few hours. Knowing her father, he would not leave her be until he would make her capitulate. She tapped on the paper plane on the screen to send the message, then got up from the floor and sat on the rattan chair, waiting for her father to join her.

“Remember when you were five and you used to hide in here? And I used to pretend that I couldn’t see you behind the flower pots.”

“Mom used to make me all those crazy buns to look like grandma Leia,” she smiled, then she sniffed. “But now my mom hates me.”

“I think you were the one who said that specific word. _ Hate _.”

Anna lowered her gaze and pursed her lips.

“Sweetheart, you know I’ve always supported you and I’m not blaming you for anything. I know that you deserve your privacy and that it’s not fair to be distrustful of that boy just because he is from _ that _family. However, I won’t tolerate you hurting your mother like that. We’ve always been honest to you about what happened and you know how much she had suffered. She was really scared when we were called that the twins had an accident and came home to find them like that and you missing and not answering your phone.”

But her phone never rang.

“I swear I never thought that it would end up like this,” she cried. “He’s not even my boyfriend. We were just hanging out together… like mom and you used to do.”

Ben snorted.

“Your mom and I got married a year later and now we have four kids.”

“You get my point,” she licked her lips. “I love our family, but sometimes I need new people in my life and everyone at school is so boring and so fixated that they give me anxiety and make me feel as if I’m locked in a cage. But Elias is so interesting and we talk about everything.”

“But he’s not your _ boyfriend _,” chuckled her dad.

“He’s not!” she pouted. “I mean… he’s nice and everything, but he’ll leave anyway and look what happened after we just hung out a couple of times.”

Ben caressed her dark hair, then pinched her cheek. They were no longer squishy like back when she was a child.

“When did you grow up?”

She lifted her gaze and furrowed as her eyes were filling up with tears. 

“Trust me, daddy. Sometimes I wish I stayed a child forever. I’m too scared about becoming an adult and making choices. And sometimes I’m so afraid to leave this house, but I still feel like I need to leave at some point and accept that I’m almost a grown-up. Being with Elias helped me forget for a while all of these worries.”

“I can sense a ‘but’.”

‘But it made me think of other things. Other insecurities. Other fears.”

She pinched her own cheeks, hiding her head in her knees, then let out a loud grunt.

“It was supposed to be just an innocent date! I swear, daddy, I’m convinced Maddie did something to the twins!”

“Why would she?”

“I don’t know… Everyone likes her and I know she’s my cousin, but she gives me chills each time she’s around. And I’m sure she hurt the twins on purpose just to punish me for leaving her take care of them.”

“I’m sure it was just an accident.”

“Alex and Holly were fed, their bottles for the night were ready, we have an electric teapot and I doubt she just wanted to make soup at that hour.”

Ben shook his head and Anna crossed her arms on her chest, rolling her eyes.

“See? No one believes me.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you. I just want to make sure that we’re not accusing her without any proof. Now, how about we go check on them?”

Sighing, Anna got up and followed her father upstairs. Alexander and Holly were sleeping holding hands and James was sleeping next to them. Smiling, she laid next to Jamie, burying her face in his chestnut locks, while she traced loops with the tip of her finger on the twins’ foreheads. 

“I’ll protect you,” she whispered. “I promise.”

She fell asleep embracing her younger brother. That evening had been so exhausting that she didn’t even flinch when her parents joined them. 

“She’s so beautiful,” murmured Rey tired as Ben kissed her neck. “We’re lucky it took her so long to get her first boyfriend.”

“At least we’ll know what to do by the time our other kids grow up.”

Rey looked at Jamie’s long eyelashes and adorable freckles, then at the twins' chubby cheeks and plump lips. 

“We made some beautiful kids, Ben-Ben. We’re not the best parents, but I think that we’ll get over this and make it.”

***

“John bought a pack of crayons and gave four to his sister. What fraction of the crayons did John give to his sister if a pack has twenty crayons?”

James bit his pencil, furrowing, then looked at his sister and made an uncomfortable grimace.

“Math sucks.”

“I know,” she laughed. 

When Anna woke up, her parents were not home, so she went to change her clothes and prepared breakfast for the twins and Jamie. She had expected to feel more tensed and while she did feel a certain pressure in her chest, things were quite nice. The sun was shining, it was a warm day, surprisingly, and the twins were quite ok that morning. They even felt the need to make her chase them the entire top floor until she finally managed to dress them in something comfy for the rest of the day.

“Bember, Anna!” ordered Alex while Holly was throwing cheese bites on the floor for Bee to eat them. That poor old cat must have been very strong to survive all the Solo kids. Smiling at the cosiness of their kitchen, Anna went to the fridge, took out a cucumber, washed it, then cut… twenty thin slices.

“Ok, young James,” she smiled proudly. “We have twenty slices and I am about to give four to Alex.”

James pursed his lips and noted something down, then tilted his head.

“So… it’s like one fifth?”

“Bing-”

As she was praising her brother, she heard the door getting unlocked. She didn’t turn to see who it was, because the breeze made sure she felt her perfume.

“Mommy!” jumped James out of the chair and ran to Rey.

“My beautiful boy!” she hugged him back. “How come you’re awake so early?”

“Anna’s teaching me fractions.”

“Oh, is she?”

Anna held her breath, trying to read her mother’s voice. Had she killed her entire love for her? Was Rey going to ask her to leave the house as soon as she turned eighteen and forbid her from seeing her siblings?

“Mommy!” jumped Alex and Holly in their high chairs, reaching for her. Rey approached them, not saying anything to her eldest child, with James still hugging her, and picked them up one by one for a session of kisses and tickles.

“I wuv you, mommy!”

“I wuv you, pumpkins.”

“I love you too!” pulled James her sleeve.

“And I love you too, my peach!”

With her back turned, she could not see her daughter’s bottom lip trembling, nor the tears in her eyes. No matter how hard she tried to battle the jealousy demon, she couldn’t help, especially knowing that her mother no longer loved her. She sniffed and took Jamie’s book to check what else to ask him to solve. What would he do without her helping him with his homework and teaching him lessons before his teacher did in school?

“Anna?” she heard her mother’s voice and lifted her head to look at her with her big dark eyes. Her mother saw the tears and she parted her lips as her face softened.

Anna stood up and swallowed both the saliva in her mouth and her pride.

“I’m sorry,” she uttered and Rey’s eyes grew wider, so Anna cleared her throat and insisted. “I’m _ very very very _sorry. You’re the best mom I could’ve ever had and even though I can’t remember much or anything from back then, I’m sure I loved you since I first met you, probably because I loved you since I was in your belly.”

It was time for Rey’s eyes to fill up with tears, remembering her swollen belly, the excitement she felt being pregnant again after that miscarriage, but also her fear for the baby’s safety. She always saw the kicks as a way of communication between the two… or three in the twins’ case, and now she could remember some of Anna Benjamin’s kicks. Then her tiny hands as she approached her to ask for the toy elephant she still slept with in her bed. And then how she fiercely demanded to be allowed to go with her parents before she even knew they were her parents.

“I love you, mommy,” she teared up.

Rey touched Holly’s hand, then asked James to go to his seat.

“I love you the most, my mango,” she opened her arms and invited her much taller daughter to hug her. “And I’m so sorry for hitting you. I shouldn’t have. I should have listened to you and… your dad told me about your suspicions regarding Maddie and I do trust you. When your dad comes back, we’ll go talk to your uncles. Ok?”

“Ok, mommy,” she sniffed not wanting to let go of her mom. But the twins were getting fussy and James was looking all confused at them. 

“Ring-ring?” said Holly rubbing her eyes.

“Oh,” said Rey taking her phone out of the pocket. “It’s Rose. Can you take care of the grocery bags, my love?”

Anna nodded with a big smile and ran to pick the grocery bags from the car. When she returned inside the house, her mother was no longer in the kitchen and James was giving the twins the slices of cucumber. Furrowing, she put the bags on the counter and went to pick up Bee before the twins would consider throwing twenty slices of cucumber on the floor and leave it to her to clean it up.

“Where’s mom?”

“In the living room.”

Her mom never left the room to talk on the phone, unless one of the kids was sleeping or she had to yell at someone.

“Hey,” said her dad entering with a huge box in his arms and a crate on it. He put them down and took his coat off. “What’s wrong?” he furrowed observing the confusion on Anna’s face. “Are you and your mom still-”

“No, we’re perfect. But I have a bad feeling.”

Saying so, Anna ran inside the living room and sought her mother, who had a serious look on her face. 

_ What’s wrong? _ she mouthed and Rey pointed at the teal armchair. Anna sat down and Ben followed her but remaining at the entrance so that he could still hear the other kids and see them only by turning his head.

Rey tapped something on her phone, then put it on the coffee table just as Maddie's voice started retelling her previous night.

“I was feeling so guilty for not taking care of the twins as Anna asked me,” she cried, “that I lied to you and ran away to think things clear. I was so angry at myself and so frustrated and… then I met Anna’s boyfriend.” 

Anna’s lips parted and she gasped.

“At first he comforted me, but then I lashed out at him for taking Anna. He then hit me and tried to comfort me again once I started crying, but the comforting turned into touching and he…” She stopped to let out a loud cry and Anna shook her head. “He _ raped _me!”

“She’s lying!” jumped Anna. “She’s lying just like she lied last night about the twins’ accident!”

“Rose told me that she has bruises and that her clothes were torn apart.”

Anna shook her head feeling the frustration grow inside her.

“I know you don’t know Elias and have no reasons to trust him, especially given the bad blood between our families, but I was on the phone with him last night.”

“But not _ all _night,” said Ben on a serious tone and Anna turned to look at him with a desperate gaze. He was right. She had paused their conversation, but then completely forgot about him.

“But I was,” said Rey and soon two pairs of dark eyes looked at her in shock and disbelief. She licked her lips and continued. “I thought you left with him and that you were in danger, so I went to his parents’ house, but he wasn’t there. I eventually found him on the streets and after we talked, I took him to Luke’s house. I’m not saying that Maddie is lying, but given the suspicious circumstances around the twins’ accident and that between your arrival and me finding them wasn’t that much time, maybe…”

“She’s a lying witch!” the girl slammed her fist, but before they could conclude Elias’ innocence, there was one more thing to be added.

“But I just came from Luke’s house and it was empty,” informed them, Ben, still rather pessimistic. He had wanted to support Anna and her little teen crush, but if that boy was already following in his uncle’s footsteps… 

“Do you know where he might be?” he asked his daughter, ready to block her way, in case she was going to run after him. But Anna shrugged lost. He hadn’t called her or texted her since last night.

“I told him to stay there until he was ready to leave, so…” said Rey getting up as she grabbed her phone. She was no longer willing to listen to Maddie’s voice and her pleas. “I say we pack the kids and go to the farm for James’ riding lessons and make a stop at the train station. We might have to apologize to someone and prevent him from having someone ruin his life.”

*** 

Elias yawned and stretched his arms and legs. Mrs Solo had offered him that nice place to crash, but he had been too nervous to sleep and curiosity made him roam around and find some old files about her disappearance. And if he remembered correctly and matched the dots, that was the house of the man in charge with finding her… the one who died because of his uncle and grandfather. And he had no right to be there. 

He checked his phone to make sure that his little nap on the bench in the train station didn’t make him lose the train. He was going to go back to college and deal with his mother’s anger from afar. He had hoped that his time spent with Anna would make him see things more clearly, but the guilt was still strong and he knew that everyone was right - he had to cut all ties with her and make sure that she would forget about him. Not so sure about his own abilities to forget, though.

He scratched his head and went to the vending machine to get a bottle of water with his attention focused on the voice announcing the arrival of his train. According to his watch, he had around half an hour before leaving all of that behind… before leaving Anna and his gorgeous dark eyes.

“Elias!”

Even her voice seemed to be stuck inside his head.

“Elias!”

He heard her voice again, then turned to look at the wire fence separating the platform and rails from the parking lot. Was he hallucinating?

“Wait for me!” she waved at him and, before he even got the chance to assimilate what was going on, Anna threw herself in his arms. It was really her. Her warm body and delicious scent. Those silky locks were hers as well and he was looking into her eyes.

“Why are you here?” he whispered with sadness.

“I didn’t want you to leave without saying goodbye.”

“Anna, I-”

“And my parents want to talk to you.”

Oh! He looked at her parents approaching the wired fence as Anna pulled him after her. They climbed down the stairs and walked on the grass until they reached the fence.

“Hey, Elias,” smiled cordially Mrs Solo. “We weren’t sure where to find you. I was sure I left you somewhere else last night.”

He lowered his gaze and bit the inside of his cheek.

“Thank you for your kindness, Mrs Solo, but I had to go. I must go back to college.”

Anna’s parents looked at each other, then Mr Solo cleared his throat.

“If you don’t mind me asking… where were you before Rey found you?”

“On the streets?” he lifted an eyebrow amused. “I was chatting with Anna on the phone. I have all the conversations. Why?”

“Let’s say that someone is trying to pin something on you and we would like to listen to both sides.”

“What?” he panicked. “What’s going on?”

Ben lifted his hands to calm him down as Anna squeezed his hand.

“I know what’s like to have all the fingers pointed at you and to have your life almost ruined by gossip and false accusations, so listen to me carefully. Have you met Maddie Dameron before you met Rey?”

Elias narrowed his eyes confused.

“Who’s Maddie Dameron?”

“This girl,” said Rey showing him a photo on her phone. “She’s my niece. Have you met her?”

Elias shook his head with a still very confused face.

“Never seen her before. Why?”

Rey parted her lips to tell him the truth about the girl’s accusations, but her husband squeezed her hand and spoke before her.

“She had an accident last night and it happened soon after Anna’s arrival, so we thought that maybe you got to see something weird.”

“No, sorry,” he shrugged. “I don’t know her and the streets were mostly empty, but I guess her parents can file a request to access the footage.”

“What footage?” asked Rey.

“There are cameras all over the town. Not every corner is visible, but you can try.”

Ben looked at his wife with a smirk on his face. They had forgotten about the cameras since when Rey went missing, they hadn’t been of much help. But in the past seventeen years, the technology had been upgraded so maybe there was a chance to find out the truth.

“Thanks for the tip,” he nodded. “And farewell.”

“Thank you,” the boy smiled cordially and watched them go inside the car, while Anna was still holding his hand. “They were lying, weren’t they?”

“They were,” she admitted. “But I’m sure once everyone finds out the truth, it will all get better.”

“May I at least know what I’m being accused of? Have I run over that girl with my invisible car?”

“No,” she lowered her gaze and turned to go back on the platform. “But I’d rather not talk about it. These are our final moments together.”

They watched together the train arriving and despite all the technology that could help them keep in touch and forget about the distance, they both felt a huge sadness.

“I’m really glad we got to meet. You are a great friend, Elias.”

“And you are amazing, Anna Benjamin.”

She chuckled realizing how ridiculous her name sounded as if she were the protagonist of a vintage romance novel.

People were getting off the train and, as the platform was emptying once again, so was her heart. Was friendship meant to hurt like that? She should have been happy that Elias was going to be away from Maddie and her lies and do something useful with his life.

“I should get going,” he whispered doing nothing to actually leave her side. So if he was not able to find the courage to leave, then she was going to be the brave one.

“I should leave as well. My brother has his riding lessons.”

“Sounds fun. I haven’t ridden in years.”

“Yeah,” she chuckled. “Maybe if you ever come back, we can ride together. I’m the best in the town. I could show you some moves.”

What was she doing? She was supposed to leave first to make him leave as well!

“I _ really _have to go now, Elias,” she let go of his hand and turned his back on him, “and I would rather not say that word.”

“Anna?” grabbed her Elias by the wrist, pulling her closer and almost forcing her to face him. Anna looked at him with her huge dark eyes and exhaled rather nervously. He was just making things more difficult.

“Elias…” she whispered his name in such a soft manner that the young man gave up on all of his fears and finally kissed her. They were both clumsy and rather unsure of what they were doing, but Elias’ hand on her shoulder and the other one pulling her even tighter were making her body feel warm and her eyes release tears after tears.

“I’ll come back, sweetheart. I promise.”

“And I’ll wait for you. I promise.” 

***

Ben looked at the twins sleeping in the backseat and smiled. Jamie was also napping after all those math exercises his sister made him do.

“Please tell me why we had to lie,” asked him his wife as she entered the car with a paper bag full of honey glazed soft pretzels. 

“I felt something when I saw him, Rey-Rey. You might not get it and think that I’m just projecting, but I saw myself in his eyes and I do believe he is innocent.”

“Good. Because he is,” she said munching on a pretzel. “I called Finn while I was waiting in line. I told him about my meeting with Elias and suggested him to do what he said. I also asked him if he had taken Maggie to the doctor considering that some random guy raped her.”

“And?”

“She threw a tantrum right on spot. You know… I really believe that she hurt the twins on purpose. I don’t know her reasons, but I want to meet her and I swear that I won’t care about Finn and Poe’s feelings and our relationship. If that girl is guilty, I want her out of our lives and as far away from our children.”

“I can’t even imagine why would someone do this. She’s just a kid herself.”

“Hux was a kid too and we know how that turned out.”

“Let’s not go there,” said Ben making an uncomfortable grimace, then looked at the pretzels. “What’s with these?”

“I was dying for some pretzels,” she moaned. “These ones to be more specific.” 

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” she chuckled taking another bite. “Obviously. Why?”

“Rey, you haven’t had these pretzels in almost two years. You used to send me to get fresh ones for each meal for two weeks until I started making them myself.”

She raised an eyebrow confused.

“Rey, you used to eat three at each meal. One for you… and one for Alex, and one for Holly. And before that, you used to eat only two - one for you, one for James.”

Rey stopped eating and looked at the bag. No… it was impossible.

“How many are you eating now?”

Ben was joking with his question, but Rey was serious.

“Five,” she coughed and his jaw dropped.

“You’re not serious, are you?”

“I said five and I already ate two. Trust me, I’m going to eat all of them and no one can stop me.”

She caught Ben’s gaze lowering on her belly, which, after so many births, cookies and years, was no longer that flat.

“Listen, it’s not going to happen. We said that we won’t have any more babies for a while, after the twins were born, then that we won’t have any more babies after we turn forty and fifty.”

“But we’re not yet forty and fifty.”

“Ben, no! We already have my business to run, yours, four kids and one very old cat. Besides, you already had to renovate the house to make a new bedroom for the twins. Where would another child or _ more _fit?”

Ben looked at his daughter kissing her lover boy on the platform and caressed Rey’s cheek right on time to keep her from turning and seeing them. Just because Elias was inoffensive, it didn’t mean that she would not make a scene about a Hux kissing her daughter.

“Well, our mango might go to college,” he said nonchalantly.

“Ben, no!” she furrowed again, then looked at the pretzels barely keeping herself from devouring them. She was not hungry, but somehow she had that urge to eat more. Maybe it was just her anxiety manifesting differently. It would stop once they would reach the farm and get their minds off that horrible day. But now that she remembered the farm, her mind could not stop thinking about freshly baked bread, juicy tomatoes and cheese.

Pursing her lips, Rey thought about the last time she and Ben made love. They were supposed to have a passionate night until they got that terrible call about the twins being in danger and Anna missing. Before that, they had been too tired to even kiss, falling asleep as soon as they got in bed. Well… except for that hot summer morning in the shower…

“Your face is red,” smirked Ben.

“Well… I suppose we can stop to get a pregnancy test on our way back home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it! I don't know how I found the courage to finally end it, but this is it! Thank you so much for the kinds words and encouragement. I've never expected anyone to actually like this story and get so invested in it. It was an amazing ride. With "Find me" officially over, I'll focus more on "Scarlet Roses and Purple Lips", my latest Reylo story tackling Beauty and the Beast and Pride and Prejudice elements. If you want to give it a try, you're all invited. It might make us all feel less sad about this story ending.


	33. Landslide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this story is over but here I am again!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although I finished this story, because I'm struggling with some writer's block regarding my other wip, I've decided to give it a try with this idea and use some fragments I had taken out from the story. The ending is pointing at a potential short sequel I have in my mind, which I might try to write at some point.

_ Ben? _

His head was heavy and he was no longer sure whether the screen was the product of his imagination or if he, somehow, was still awake. After the tensed day spent waiting for and later entertaining the social service worker, he should have slept like Bee after a nice meal. However, he found himself staring at the ceiling and listening to Rey and Anna breathing next to him. And as much as he loved having them so close, knowing that they’re safe, he was still too nervous to just stay still and not disturb their sleep. So, not very happy about it, he got out of the bed and snuck downstairs. The social service worker was not content with his current employment situation, but given the circumstances and that they were still financially stable, she let it go for the moment. But that moment couldn’t last for too long. In just a blink of an eye, he would turn forty and Anna would go to college and maybe he and Rey would have more kids and… Although being a stay at home dad sounded progressive, not having any job sounded atrocious. 

“Ben-Ben?”

Ben rubbed his eyes and yawned, then looked at his wife’s figure. He smiled and parted his lips, ready to make a joke about her missing his presence in their bed. But before saying anything, he furrowed at the sight of Rey’s clothes. According to the clock in the corner of the screen, it was early in the morning.

“Where are you going?”

“I forgot to tell you. We have a big order and I must go to the cafe.”

“Can’t you work from here? I can help you and Rose with the crates and boxes.”

“No,” she made an uncomfortable grimace. “We want to open the cafe today as well. We need the money.”

“Ok…” he nodded, feeling that there was something else she was hesitant about. “And what do you want me to do?”

“Can you please take care of Anna? She likes her daddy and I’d rather not have her sit in the cafe all day long and expose her to curious eyes.”

“Of course!” he let his excitement and need to be useful speak for him. However, Rey was not yet convinced.

“If she needs anything or if she cries or throws a tantrum, pl-”

“Rey, I can handle my daughter. Don’t worry,” he smiled getting up, then kissed her forehead before taking her to the driveway. Once Rey’s car was too far to be seen, he returned inside and went back upstairs. The little mango was still sleeping with her fist under her chin and, given that the sun was still not up, he snuck under the duvet, next to her. Those cheeks were almost begging him to pinch them. 

“It’s you and I, kid,” he whispered remembering his sweetest moments with his father. “Us against the world.”

Anna sighed in her sleep and pursed her lips, mumbling something about pie.

“I have no idea how to be a dad, Annie,” he smiled caressing her curls, “but I’m going to be here for you for as long as you need me. I promise.”

***

Hours later, Ben woke up with a tiny foot in his ribs, soon followed by a knee. He let out a grunt before suddenly being peppered with kisses.

“Is that a mango?” he whispered with only one eye open.

“Daddy,” giggled Anna, crawling in his arms. “I looove you!”

“And I love you more!”

He held her, rocking her playfully and, at the same time, analysing each fingernail and curl, trying to understand his feelings. The day Rey had lost their first baby, he felt heartbroken and guilty, but more for Rey and for that dream family he had imagined when they got married. However, having an actual child was so much more overwhelming and surreal. He was sure that it was different for Rey as she carried her in her body and felt each movement and acknowledged her development. But for him… he sort of embraced the idea that he was a dad. The DNA test had confirmed that she was his biologically and that unexplainable bond he felt was the proof that his heart was hers, even though he had met her only by accident. It was fascinating and a relief that she accepted him so soon. Looking through Luke’s diaries, he got to learn that he took his time to accept Han as his father. But he had had Luke and Anna used to have no one, so maybe that was why she was so accepting of him as her dad. Maybe she didn’t really like him but was too afraid to go back to being an orphan.

Furrowing, he looked at her as she was caressing his cheek. Her tiny hand went up and stopped on his nose. She pulled it once, making a funny a face, then kissed it.

_ I’m an idiot _ , he chuckled. What would a three-year-old little girl know about plotting and manipulating? It was just genuine lo-

“Anna hungry,” she informed him on a serious tone.

“Yes,” he nodded. “But first… we need to fix your outfit, girl.”

He got up and helped her take off her backwards dress and mismatched socks.

“Mommy told me you like to eat a sandwich with a tall glass of milk.”

“Mommy sky!” furrowed Anna and pulled her leg before Ben could put on the right sock.

Ben cleared his throat, thinking how lucky he was that Rey was not there to hear Anna reject her again.

“I meant mommy Rey.”

“Oh,” she pursed her lips giving him back her foot. “I like Rey. She mommy here.” She took a moment to look around, then let out a whimper and grabbed Ben’s thumb. “Where’s mommy Rey? She gone? She don’t love me everymore?”

Ben chuckled but once he saw Anna’s teary eyes and the panic on her face, he took her in his arms and kissed her forehead.

“No, baby. She’s at work. We’re gonna spend this day together, just the two of us, and before you go to bed, mommy Rey will be back to read you a story. Ok?”

“Promise?” she sniffed. “I miss her!”

“I promise,” he smiled. “Now what do you want to eat? A sandwich?”

“Eggs. But not eye eggs, daddy. I wanna sun eggs.”

“Ok,” he laughed. “Then let’s make sun eggs.” He got up with her still in his arms and took her downstairs. “Do you want bacon with your eggs?”

“Mmmno? I wanna-I wanna cheese. Cheese and tomato.”

Nodding to confirm the order, Ben put his daughter down and went to the fridge to get the eggs, cheese and tomatoes. He fried the eggs and cut the cheese and tomatoes into thin slices, then put everything on two plates.

“Anything else, my mango?”

“Bun.”

“Bun? Oh, I forgot about your bread. Umm… are slices ok?”

Anna shrugged with her mouth full of tomato slices and reached for the bread. She took one slice, tore a piece and dipped it in the yolk.

“You don’t eat?” she asked taking the small fork Rey had bought for her. 

Ben looked at his plate and felt his stomach protest against any type of food available.

“I’m not that hungry. Is the food good?”

“Goooood,” she nodded with a big smile. Her smile was making his heart feel warm but also more aware of the panic that kept reminding him of his lack of experience and incompetence. No matter how much he was trying to use Rey’s words of encouragement as a chant, he couldn’t help not feeling helpless. That little girl was now depending on him and he couldn’t bail on her. Even if Rey and he had agreed to get a divorce, he still would have wanted to be part of Anna’s life, so either way, he had to learn how to be a dad.

“Tomato?”

He blinked awaken from his daydreaming and looked at Anna reaching for his slices of tomato. He took them with his fork and put them on her plate, getting a round of applause and a cheerful squeal.

“What do you want us to do today?”

“Mmm…” 

He waited for her answer but she kept thinking and not saying anything.

“I know you usually cook and bake with mommy Rey, but maybe you want to do something else with me?”

“Mmm… I wanna go outside. Pony?”

“You want to go to the farm?”

“Yes!” she clapped excited, although her father was less excited by the idea of taking her to the farm on his own. Coughing, he finally took a bite of his own breakfast.

“Maybe we can go to the park? Daddy has some things to do at uncle Luke’s and then we can go play.”

“Pony?” she pouted. “No horsey?”

“No, but we have swings and slides.”

“Woah! Can Bee come?”

“Of course!”

Anything to make her happy and keep her away from becoming the next Bonnie Blue.

After a safe stroll in the neighbourhood and Anna pointing at all the birds, squirrels and extravagant topiaries, Ben unlocked the door to Luke’s home. The tobacco scent was almost gone and slowly replaced by the smell of old files and papers. That place was more like an archive rather than a house.

“Love, do you want to sit next to daddy and draw something?”

“I wanna play doggy,” she pointed at Luke’s three old dogs. They were rather inoffensive and they barely had any teeth left, but they were also still twice Anna’s size.

“Umm… I don’t think Bee is ok with them and she would be so sad if you left her all alone.”

“She with you.”

Ben massaged his forehead, making a mental note to stop trying to fool his daughter.

“How about we… umm… we stay inside and then we go out to play with the doggies when Bee goes to take her nap?”

Anna pondered his offer, then stepped inside, pulling him after her. After he closed the door behind them, she reached for Bee and took her from her father’s arms, then went to sit on the sofa, while Ben started packing Luke’s papers and files. His eyes were on Anna the entire time, watching her talk to Bee and singing to her.

“Rain, rain go away… Come again another day. Umm… little Bee wants to play. Rain, rain go away.”

Ben bit lip trying to hold in the amusement of seeing poor Bee dancing on two paws and meowing now and then. Then his eyes lingered on the sofa. It had plenty of coffee stains and most likely alcohol stains, but with a similar fabric, it would look amazing. And the wood could do some varnish as well, so it was not impossible to fix it. Perhaps he could do it and also fix the old bench in the backyard. In fact, the entire backyard could turn into a little piece of heaven. All it needed were some tulips, rose bushes, apricot trees and a swing in that old walnut tree. The fence was also rather old, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed rather than replaced.

He shook his head. If he were to spend the entire time daydreaming, they would return around the same time as Rey and without having played in the park.  _ However _ , back when he refurbished the furniture they now had in their home, it made him feel accomplished and relaxed. He hated his job, even with the possibility of working from home, so maybe it wasn’t that much of a bad thing that he was perhaps already unemployed. Not that his hobby would pay bills, but in case he went back to helping Rey with her business and things turned better financially… and emotionally for everyone, perhaps he could pursue his hobby. He could even make a huge dollhouse for Anna and he could finally start renovating the other guest bedroom for her.

“Hey, An-”

Gone.

He managed to pack four large boxes and three smaller ones and to lose his three-year-old daughter.

“Anna? Anna!”

Maybe she was just hiding or ran after Bee got tired of being tortured with nursery songs, but none of those versions explained the open front door.

“Oh, no!” he whimpered. “Anna!”

He rushed outside and almost fell, seeing Anna chase the three old dogs while Bee was hidden under a bush. He sighed, trying to simmer down his anger and panic. If she was going to be like her mom, then he would better go to a doctor to get a prescription or his heart could not survive them on its own. Also, if that was a test from Rey to prove him that he was capable of being a good responsible dad, then he was the biggest idiot, unable to take care of a little girl for just a couple of moments.

“Doggy! Come play! Doggy! Woof-woof!”

One of the dogs tumbled on the uneven ground just in time for Anna to throw herself on him and start tickling him and petting him, while he licked her forehead and wiggled his tail. Another dog followed, biting her dress and pulling her to draw her attention to him.

“Look, daddy! They’re my friends!”

“Yeah,” he smiled a little bit more relieved. “I see."

***

“I was surprised when you called me. I hope you understand that I don’t really like kids and I have no experience with them.”

“And yet, you still accepted my invitation,” laughed Ben inviting Kaydel to sit next to him, on the bench. After some father-daughter bonding by the swings and a few bumpy falls from the slide, Anna replaced her daddy with some children of her age. Her dress was absolutely filthy and had a couple of tears in it, but she was happy, smiling, laughing, building sandcastles and ordering children around.

“Your boss asked me to bring you some files so I was on my way anyway. How’s the little maracuja?”

“Mango,” he chuckled petting a sleeping Bee, curled in his lap. “She’s… great, I think? She doesn’t seem to hate me so far.”

“Weren’t you the  _ cool  _ parent?” she laughed pinching his cheek.

“Oh, so Rey has been complaining?”

“She’s a bit bitter, but she’s thankful,” she said as her good mood suddenly changed. “Just because we’re all pretending to be fine, it doesn’t mean that we actually are.”

Ben squeezed her hand, trying to get her to look at him. However, Kaydel only cringed and put her hand on the back of her neck, pretending that she was massaging her nape.

“When are you leaving?” he sighed.

“I’m not sure,” she cleared her throat. “Two months tops and I’ll be away for half a year at least. First I want to make sure that the process against those people is going smoothly.”

“What about your job?”

Kaydel snorted and finally found the courage to look at him.

“I have enough finances to support myself for a long time. I think you’re the one who should be worried. I’ve convinced your boss to give you a chance till the end of this month, Ben, but I can’t assure you that once I’m gone he won’t fire you or ask you to come back full time.”

“Thanks, but I sense that you’re not really trying to convince me to enjoy this opportunity,”

Kaydel shook her head and looked at Anna digging a hole while a boy with strawberry blonde hair, maybe twice her age, was helping her build a fort. It was so strange how much she looked like both of her parents, like a perfect puzzle made of the pieces of another two. It was both fascinating and terrifying.

“Rey wants you to help her with the business and if I leave, I need someone to look after the cafe we want to open in the big city. Come on, it’s not as if you ever liked your job. Unless you have other plans.”

Ben bit the inside of his cheek. He would have had other plans, had it not been for his worries and responsibilities. And he couldn’t just turn his back on Rey.

“You can count on me.”

This time, Kaydel made the first step and put her hand over his. It was breaking her heart to look at him and remember both the beautiful parts and the most miserable ones of her short relationship with his double. Those months away from him would help her get over any trace of improper feelings for her best friend and her sister’s husband.

“Are you going to miss me?” she smiled trying to hide her sadness.

“Of course! You’re my best friend!”

“I’m your  _ only  _ friend,” she rolled her eyes laughing, “and now also your sister-in-law.”

“Well, that should give you a reason to come back sooner than planned. We all need you.”

Touching her belly, she shook her head. Her departure was not really a choice, but a necessity. 

“Daddy, look!”

They both jumped startled, taken by surprise by the Anna storm. She was running towards them like an excited duck, with her curls ravished and her forehead full of sweat drops. She stopped before jumping in Ben’s arms and looked at her aunt, who smiled and waved at her. The girl’s eyes grew wider and she let out a squeal and ran to hug her legs.

“Heidi!”

“Hey, mango! How’s my girl?”

She let go of Kaydel’s legs and wiped her forehead, leaving traces of sand on her skin and in her wet curls.

“I-I-I played and Elis made fort and we… um… I want cookie and I want food.” She put her hands on Kaydel’s knees and looked at her with big eyes, batting her eyelashes. “Cupcake?”

“I don’t have any cupcakes. Sorry.”

Anna pouted and kicked a pebble on the ground before looking at her aunt again with the same begging eyes.

“Baby? Heidi has baby?”

Ben furrowed and moved his gaze from his daughter to Kaydel, whose lips were now parted and was visibly uncomfortable. She had told him that… but she couldn’t have, though it would explain her sudden desire to leave and for such a long time.

“No, Annie,” she said after licking her lips nervously. “I didn’t bring you any toys today. But I promised you a baby doll, so you’ll get your baby doll next time. Ok?”

“Ok, Heidi!” she clapped and turned to her dad to help her climb on the bench.

“Kay,” he whispered putting his daughter between them, “do you-”

“Do you want me to drop you home?” she asked avoiding his question and her subsequent pathetic attempt of a lie. “Annie is hungry and it’s rather late.”

“I want mommy Rey, daddy!” said Anna getting up and putting her hands on her father’s cheeks, getting sand all over his face. “And I want cupcake and cookie and food!”

“You heard her,” giggled Kaydel, although she was moments away from bursting into tears.

By the time they reached the cafe, the place was almost empty and the scent of vanilla and fruit coming from the kitchen was giving away the fact that more goodies were ready to hit the shelves. Rose was cleaning the tables and Rey was carefully placing some blackberry and raspberry tarts in the fridge.

“Mommy!” jumped Anna. “Mommy Rey!”

“Hey!” she ran to her and picked her up before her smile slowly turned into a disapproving grimace. “Why-what happened to your clothes and hair? And why do you smell like a wet dog and… iron?”

Rey glared at her husband and sister, then looked at Anna rubbing her eyes with those dirty hands full of sand. She gently took her hand and kissed her sweaty forehead.

“Food, mommy,” she whimpered lying her head on Rey’s shoulder.

“You haven’t had your lunch and nap by now?”

Although she was looking at Anna and asking her those questions, it was more than obvious that they were addressed to her husband, who coughed trying to hide his guilty smile.

“Rose, can you please take my daughter to wash her hands and face?”

“Sure. Come, bunny!”

“Let me,” interfered Kaydel with her hands already around Anna’s waist. “Rose can bring the food.”

The three watched her leave, then looked at each other. Rey pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and pursed her lips. With the tension almost visible, Rose decided that it was better for her to sneak out and check on the strudels, leaving Rey to inhale deeply and exhale loudly once she was left all alone with her husband.

“She had a schedule.”

“She had fun.”

Rey tilted her head and narrowed her eyes.

“She’s famished, filthy and tired.”

“She had  _ fun _ .”

Still glaring at her husband, Rey took three steps forward and straightened her back. But regardless of her poor attempts, Ben was not impressed by her serious face and smirked. With her shield completely damaged by those delicious lips of his, Rey got on toes and kissed him.

“You smell like a dog, dust and cigarettes,” she mumbled enjoying his lips and cursing her long shift and many orders. “And you have sand on your face.”

“I know,” he laughed.

“So did  _ you  _ have fun?” she asked scratching Bee behind her ear now that she was meowing all jealous and desperate for attention for someone who was not a small child.

“I almost died of a heart attack but it wasn’t that bad. Unless she’ll come to me in twenty years and tell me that I was the worst father ever.”

“Daddy! Mommy!”

They turned to a happy Anna being placed at a table by her aunt. With a clean face and hands, her hair looked more dishevelled and her dress even filthier but she didn’t seem to mind. She took a menu and pretended to know how to read, while Kaydel pushed her hair back and tied it with a blue ribbon from her own hair. 

“Is your sister-”

“Yes,” whispered Rey so that Kaydel wouldn’t hear them. “She is. Now let’s go.”

They sat at the table just on time as Rose came back with some delicious tomato and basil bruschette and three mini quiches cut in four. Anna did not wait for her mother to give her anything as she grabbed a bruschetta on her own and devoured it almost without chewing it.

“What do we say, my mango?” scolded her Rey.

“Thank you, Rose.”

“You’re welcome,” smiled Rose sitting between Kaydel and Ben, then mouthed ‘She’s adorable’ to her dear friend.

“I missed you, mommy,” the child added as the others began eating. Rey looked at her with big eyes. Although it wasn’t the first time her daughter expressed her longing and need for her presence, it was the first time she was doing so after an entire day spent with her favourite parent. Maybe she had misinterpreted Anna’s affections and the little mango did love them both equally. 

“I missed you too. Did you have fun with daddy?”

“I looove daddy! Daddy go me park. I have friends park. Elis.”

Rey lifted an eyebrow and looked at Ben, who was trying to feed Bee some ham.

“Phasma’s son was there with his nanny. They built a sand fort.”

“How  _ adorable _ ,” said Rey, although it sounded more like a snarl.

“And-and-and,” continued Anna taking another bruschetta, “we run and daddy swing me and I fall but it was ok. I don’t cry. And daddy let me play with doggy. Bee don’t play with doggy cause Bee scared. Umm… and-and-and Heidi say she buy me baby.”

“That’s the first time I heard her say so many words,” snorted Ben, though feeling rather proud and glad that she was so comfortable around everyone.

“Was she that full of energy when she was a fetus?”

As soon as the question came out of her mouth, Rose regretted it. The context surrounding Rey’s pregnancy and Anna’s birth was still an open wound and no matter how much they all tried to ignore it, it wasn’t healing yet. Surprisingly, Rey didn’t seem that bothered for once and she even shrugged amused. She waited to finish chewing and swallowing, then giggled.

“She loved music. I used to sing to her while she was in my belly. And she was kicking me all the ti-.”

“Don’t cry!” 

Rey lifted her head confused. She was not crying, yet Anna whined and begged her not to cry, only that she was not referring to  _ her _ . Kaydel was wiping a tear and smiling embarrassedly.

“Excuse me. I’m a bit emotional.”

“Don’t cry, Heidi!” said Anna once again standing up on the chair, despite her mother’s panicked face and silent protests. The little girl put her palms on her aunt’s face, smudging her with tomato juice and oil. “Cupcake?”

Later, after Kaydel had finally left preferring to believe that no one knew her secret, and after Anna had her cupcake, Ben and Rey were sitting at another table, watching the people enjoy their cups of tea and glasses of lemonade while serving some of Rey’s delicious cookies and croissants. Ben was still holding Bee, though more to keep her from the curious eyes of the clients who might see her presence as an open invitation to further bring their own pets, while Rey was holding her daughter. She was now finally asleep, exhausted after that day. Rey wasn’t sure if she was going to wake up for her bath, but judging by how she was lying in her arms, she would probably not wake up until the next morning.

“I promised Kaydel that I would help you once I quit my job.”

Rey touched her front teeth with the tip of her tongue. She didn’t like that it took Kaydel to get to convince Ben to work with her again but it was better than nothing. It was better than not seeing him or having him locked inside his study for the most of the day. It was better than seeing him all miserable.

“Thank you,” she whispered caressing Anna’s back. She was barely keeping herself from hugging that tiny body, but she didn’t want to wake her up, especially given how much she loved having her sleep in her arms, with her head on her chest. It was what they both had missed when that monster took her away.

“I was thinking about what you told me,” continued Ben. “I’m still terrified about not being able to keep her safe but the last thing I can do is try my best.”

“Good. Because that’s what parents do. I know because I am one.”

Her smirk made Ben giggle and he reached for her hand.

“I promise that I’ll protect you both.”

***

“And you did.”

With his eyes red after that nightmarish night, Ben Solo lifted his gaze and looked at his daughter, who was squeezing his hand. Her fist was no longer twice the size of his thumbnail and her nails no longer had sand under them. They were long and painted in black, whereas her adorable curls were now so loose that they were sometimes barely visible. Twenty years and at least Anna was the only person he hadn’t failed.

They both looked at Rey lying in that hospital bed, connected to all those devices. She was now in her forties, but her face was still as young and innocent as it was that night they met at the pizza parlour and asked her about the promised brownies. He smirked. Now that he remembered them, it had been years since she last made them. In fact, she hadn’t baked her special brownies since her return, when she finally accepted that he was her husband and she pretty much begged him to take her back.

Now he would give his own life to get her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Fleetwood Mac - Landslide (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM7-PYtXtJM)


	34. Try Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short sequel part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't sleep last night and I wasn't really in the mood to do something more productive.

“Look at your little brother, Annie,” whispered Rey with the largest smile on her face. The baby was sleeping peacefully with his tiny fists flanking his head. As if recognizing his mother’s voice even in his sleep, baby James pursed his lips and cooed as he moved, seeking his mother’s touch. And despite the many unasked for pieces of advice from other very opinionated mothers, Rey lifted him in her arms. She couldn’t deprive her son of affection and attention just because some housewives said that he would end up spoiled and fussy.

“Is he ok, mommy?” asked Anna touching his yellow bootie. “Does he not like it here?”

“He might miss being inside mommy’s belly, but he’ll get used to it. By Christmas, he will already crawl and follow you around.”

Rey caressed her daughter’s cheek, then played with one of her curls. They were no longer chestnut, but almost entirely black, like her father’s. 

“Do you want to come sit next to mommy?”

Anna’s eyes grew wide and she jumped next to her mother, tucking herself under the blanket as Rey put James back on her knees, rocking him.

“May I see his toes?” she whispered putting her head in her mother’s lap. Rey giggled - after all, she adored her baby’s toes - then pulled the yellow bootie, revealing a small foot that had so often kicked her. 

“He’s so cute,” whispered Anna again, carefully touching his skin. “His toes look like tiny beans… or like Bee’s paws. Do you think he will like me?”

“Of course,” kissed Rey the girl’s forehead. “How was school?”

Anna rubbed her eyes and yawned before returning to patting her brother’s foot.

“It was fine. I’m  _ very  _ smart, mommy.”

“I knooow,” giggled Rey. “Did your friends like your birthday goodies and cake?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “They sang for me and applauded me. Miss Johnson gave me a flower crown but I left it in daddy’s car. Oh, and I got so many pretty cards. I like cards more than gifts. I can keep them all in a box and I can never forget from whom or for what I got them. But I like toys too. Mommy, do you think daddy’s dollhouse will be sad if I play with the one I got from auntie Kay?”

“Are your dolls sad when you play with one and not the others?”

“Sometimes. Yeah.”

Rey bit her lip trying to keep herself from laughing and waking up her grumpy prince.

“Well,” she cleared her throat, “maybe you can have one for a doll family and one for the other doll family.”

“Or I can pack the old one and save it until James is old enough to play with it. Or until you give me a baby sister.”

With her cheeks burning, Rey licked her front teeth. She had always wanted a big family, but with Anna needing her attention and being so sensitive and Jamie being just a couple of days old, even the mere idea of another baby was out of the question. Especially a girl that would only remind her of her loss. Though… she had lost a baby before and that hadn’t kept her from loving Jamie since the test came out positive.

“I thought you didn’t like having siblings.”

“I changed my mind. Bee loves her adopted kittens and they all have each other. You have auntie Kay, uncle Finn and auntie Rose… and Maddie will soon have her baby brother. I don’t want to be lonely like daddy.”

“But daddy is not alone,” furrowed Rey. “He has us.”

Anna yawned again and Rey noticed that her eyes were slowly closing on their own.

“I know, but when he is at his atelier and takes a break, he looks so sad and lonely.”

“Well,” sighed Rey covering her daughter’s back with the blanket, “I guess we’ll have to remind him that we’re always going to be here for him and each other. Daddy, you, James and I. Promise?”

“Yes, mommy. I promise.” 

***

“Mommy…”

Anna woke up with a heavy head and quickly wiped off her tears. The curtains were blocking the sunlight, but it was quite obvious that it was past noon. She had done it again and that memory she dreamt of was only her consciousness reminding her of the failure she ended up being.

A failure and the worst daughter.

Clenching her jaw, she pushed and kicked off the limbs of those strangers sleeping in her bed and got up. She rubbed her eyes, then looked around for something to put on. Whoever woke her up with those kicks in the front door of aunt Kaydel’s old apartment was not going to see her in her underwear. So she picked up a shirt that was most definitely not hers, accidentally stepped on the hands and hair of some of her unknown guests, then left the bedroom only to find another mass of sleeping drunken bodies all over the living room. Grunting, she ran to the front door and opened it.

“Don’t make me use my key next time.”

Aunt Kaydel was sporting her ‘serious business’ high ponytail and even more serious face. Before she got to say ‘hello’ to her, the woman pushed her aside and rushed inside her old apartment. She rolled her eyes at the almost naked group of people and pulled her niece in the kitchen, glad that no one was lying down there in a pool of vomit.

“I-”

“I’m not going to ask,” stopped her Kaydel. “It used to look like this even back in my days. I’m here because someone saw you in the city last night and they called your dad and he called me this morning to ask me why you’re here.”

Anna’s eyes went wide and mouth opened in a silent exclamation. Kaydel had been covering her back for months, especially since she dropped out of college, but the dream and her dad finding out that she was so close to home were signs from destiny. She had broken her promise, so she had to go back home.

“Go take a shower and put on some clothes while I take care of your guests.”

“Can you-”

“I have experience. Now, please, hurry up! The twins are waiting for me in the parking lot.”

Clumsily, Anna went inside the bedroom and grabbed the clothes she had worn the previous day, then snuck among the bodies to reach the bathroom, while Kaydel’s voice was announcing her that she was an expert at getting drunk strangers out of that apartment. After closing the door behind her, she sniffed her hair, which was still stinking of cigarette smoke and cheap perfume. She had no time to waste on washing her hair, so she quickly tied it up in a messy bun and got inside the shower. She washed her body trying to ignore the lipstick marks, dried saliva, hickeys and bruises, then got out, rinsed herself with a clean towel, put on a new pair of Dahlia’s lingerie and brushed her teeth to get rid of that terrible taste in her mouth. At least her stomach was fine as she hadn’t drunk as much, given her latest experience. 

“Ready?”

“One moment!” she said pulling up her leather pants. Maybe that corset-like top from last night was not such a good idea. It had a weird stain on it anyway and by the look of it, it was perhaps better to burn the top and not bother washing it.

“Anna!”

“Yes!” she opened the door, finding an empty bedroom. Without wasting any more time appreciating Kaydel’s secret power, she went to the wardrobe and picked the first shirt she found and the watch she had been wearing every single day for the past two months.

“Has dad said anything?” she asked putting on a pair of pointed ballet flats before closing the door and locking it.

“You know how he can be. I lied to him before he had the time to overthink things, although he has every right to do so. I just told him that you arrived yesterday and that we’ll meet at the hospital.”

That was ok. Her dad could not find out just yet how much she had messed up her life. He needn’t more sadness in his life, especially not in those moments.

“Mommy, Margaret stole my ribbon!”

“Daisy stole it first! I’m always wearing the blue ones!”

“Girls,” spoke Kaydel on a severe tone, making her twin daughters stop bickering, “please say hi to your cousin.”

“Hi, Anna!”

“Hey, babes. How are you?”

The girls had the Shay’s brown hair but their father’s blue eyes and, unlike her younger twin siblings, they were completely identical.

“Fine,” said one of them and, given that their ribbons were now between them instead of being around their pigtails, she had no idea which one of them was.

“We got golden stars. We are the bestest singers in our class.”

“And bestest dancers!”

As Kaydel was getting them out of the parking lot, Anna looked at the two girls holding hands and dancing to the music on the radio. Their navy skirts and striped T-shirts were similar to her pre-school uniform. She could still remember how anxious the three of them were on her first day of preschool. Her mommy didn’t want to let go of her hand and her dad had a terrified look on his face, although they were all trying to look brave.

_ “Look, Annie!” _ her dad showed her the many kids giving flowers to their soon-to-be teacher.  _ “You’re going to make lots of friends here.” _

_ “Daddy and mommy leave Anna?” _ she sniffed.  _ “You don’t love me everymore?” _

_ “No, my mango!”  _ hugged her Rey, not caring that she was ruining her white jeans by kneeling on the grass. _ “Mommy and daddy love you the most. We’re just going to go to work and bake many many goodies for everyone. With the money we’ll buy you beautiful dresses and more toys and-” _

Anna’s eyes filled up with tears and threw her arms around her mother’s neck.

_ “I don’t want! I want mommy and daddy!” _

Ben kneeled next to them and rubbed the little girl’s back.

_ “Please!” _ she cried. _ “I be good!” _

_ “Annie,” _ spoke Ben on the softest tone,  _ “let me show you something.” _

She let go of Rey and looked at Ben as he took her hand and showed her the screen of her watch. 

_ “When the small line points to the mouse and the big one to the cow, we’ll be here, waiting for you. Ok?” _

_ “No!”  _ she stamped her foot.  _ “I come make cookies with mommy and daddy!” _

_ “But there are no kids there, my love. Here, you can make friends and-” _

_ “Mommy and daddy are friends.” _

_ “Baby,”  _ caressed Rey her pigtails,  _ “why don’t you go inside with the kids and the teacher and we’ll wait here. If you like it, we’ll leave and come back when daddy said. If you don’t like it, you come with us and we’ll try again another day. And even if you like it but you want to leave sooner, you go to your teacher and ask her to call us and in five minutes we’ll be here.”  _

Finally, the girl seemed to ponder her parents’ offer. She pursed her lips and looked at the elephant-shaped backpack her dad was holding and at her beloved Fufu sticking out.

_ “Five minutes?” _ she showed them her fingers.

_ “Yes, five.” _

_ “Ok…” _ she pouted and reached for the backpack and let Ben put it on her back.  _ “Hug me?” _

Her parents hugged her, now a little bit more relaxed, then watched her follow the rainbow path leading to the rest of the group and her teacher. Halfway through, she turned to check if they were still there. Seeing them watch her with a proud smile on their faces, she let out a cheerful squeal and cupped her hands around her mouth, shouting:

_ “Mommy, daddy! I looove you the most!” _

And seeing her father waiting for her, even twenty years later, made her feel as if time hadn’t passed at all. The few white strands of hair in his hair and wrinkles were not going to convince her that she was no longer a little girl, who had been separated from her parents for too long.

“Daddy,” she whimpered.

“Annie!” he got up and hugged her tightly. His scent was the same, his hugs were the same… he was the same! And yet, she had managed to destroy their little fairy tale life.

“How is she? My mommy?”

“The same,” he shrugged, running his fingers through his hair. “I’m so happy to see you. Are you on a break already?”

“I…” she ran her fingers through her own hair, just like he did before. “I’m actually here to spend more time with you and mommy and the twins.”

“And law school?”

She licked her lips nervously.

“Umm… I can study from home and I’ll go back only for the exams. Don’t worry. I can handle everything except being apart from you.”

She was not sure whether her father trusted her so much that he was completely oblivious to her lies or if he was just too physically and emotionally exhausted to question her.

“Can I go see her?”

Ben nodded with a sad smile and took her to where Rey had been sleeping for months. Her sleeping beauty mommy, looking so serene and alive. She wanted so much to lie next to her and to let her play with her curls while she snuggled in her arms like she did after her first day of preschool. That day had passed faster than expected. The other children were not that bad, especially considering how most of them were as terrified as she was. After everyone stood in front of the class and presented themselves, the teacher taught them a song, then she brought them a sandwich and a glass of orange juice. Once their bellies were full enough to last them until the end of the day, she also gave them something to colour and some modelling clay. When the bell rang and the teacher announced the end of their first day of preschool, she couldn’t believe it. She followed her classmates outside with small steps and watched them go to their parents before she saw her own. She looked at her wristwatch, noticing the mouse and the cow. They came right on time as they’d promised.

_ “Mommy! Daddy!”  _ she ran to them.

_ “My mango!”  _ squealed Rey peppering her with kisses.  _ “Oh, how I missed you! How was your day?” _

But as brave as she felt seeing them the first time, as overwhelmed she was now. Her bottom lip trembled and she began weeping.

_ “Oh, no!” _ comforted her Rey. _ “What happened?” _

_ “Annie, did someone upset you?” _

She shook her head, rubbing her eyes, then reached for Ben. Once he picked her from Rey’s arms, she let out a sob and laid her head on Ben’s shoulder.

_ “You’re here. You really here. I-I-I thought you left me.” _

_ “Of course not!”  _ said Rey before kissing her wet chubby cheek. _ “Mommy and daddy even brought you cupcakes. One for mommy, one for daddy, one for Anna and one for…” _

Anna smiled relaxed and wiped her tears with the sleeves of her long-sleeve T-shirt.

_ “One for Fufu,” _ she completed the sentence.  _ “Can go home now? I want Bee.” _

_ “Of course. I’m sure Bee misses you too.” _

_ “Can take Bee to school?” _ she asked as her father put her down. She picked her drawing and the three modelling clay hearts off the ground and turned to them, forgetting about her previous question.  _ “This for you,” _ she showed them her art.  _ “Three heart for Anna, Ben and Rey.” _ She pointed proudly at the initials most likely scribbled by her teacher.  _ “And this!” _ She showed them a group of stick men and a cat larger than the tree next to it.  _ “Anna, Ben, Rey and Bee. And a tree with cherry, peach and apple and two cloud.” _

_ “That’s amazing! I love it!” _ spoke Rey, visibly touched.

_ “We’ll take them to work and we’ll put the drawing on the fridge to look at it when you’re at school. Well… if you still want to go to school.” _

She pursed her lips and looked back at the colourful building. 

_ “Mmm… You give me cupcake?” _

_ “Yes,” _ laughed Rey.

_ “Ok. I go.” _

Her answer got her another round of kisses and she loved all those kisses. However, once home and once she ate her cupcake, she asked for her bath and then refused to leave her parents’ bed. She fell asleep holding their thumbs and didn’t even wake up for dinner, only the next morning when they dropped her off for a new school day.

“Where is your aunt?”

Rey jumped startled and wiped her tears.

“Oh, she went to drop off the girls at aunt Rose’s place and then she’ll come here.”

“Great,” Ben nodded rubbing his beard. “Alex and Holly are already there with Esra. I’m going to go get them later. They’ve grown so tall since the last time you were home.”

“I’ve missed them so much,” she smiled trying to hide her guilt. “At least I can get to spend more time with them and help them with homework like I used to do with my peach.”

And there it was. The first time mentioning James in months. It wasn’t that bad. It was actually… no. It was still very bad. That wound was still open and bleeding.

“I miss him so much, daddy!” she sobbed, burying her face in Ben’s T-shirt.

“I miss him too.”

His hands rubbing her back like back when she was a little girl were like medicine soothing her pain, despite not being able to make it go away for good. After all, it was her fault. It was her fault her mom was in a coma and it was her fault James was missing and most likely dead. And she didn’t even bother being by her dad’s side and taking care of the poor twins, who were still too young to understand what was going on. No… she had to pretend that college was more important and waste time in class, not even paying attention, then drown her sorrows in alcohol and parties. She did spare her dad the expenses of her dorm and the second semester, keeping the money in her account while choosing to drop out off college and hide in her aunt’s apartment, but at what cost. She had ruined their lives and was ruining hers as well. And soon, she was going to ruin someone else’s life.

“Thank you so much, Kay. The doctors keep telling me that there’s no point in spending so much time here, but I can’t just leave her alone.”

Anna lifted her head and looked at Ben and Kaydel. Without seeing her face and with her hair let down, she was looking so much like her mom.

“Don’t worry,” she said, breaking the spell. “So this doctor is supposed to arrive this evening?”

“Yeah, he’ll be here in a couple of hours and I’ve been waiting for some news for weeks now and I know that I should stay, but the twins have been mostly at Rose’s and with Esra and I don’t… They need me.”

“And you need rest. Maybe you can leave them there tonight, as well, and they’ll play with my girls. I can bring them to your place tomorrow.”

“Thanks, but I couldn’t sleep yet another night, knowing that my babies are not home.” He then looked at Anna, who pretended to be sleeping and not listening to their conversation. “Make sure  _ she  _ comes home, please. She’s… I’m worried about her. I’ve expected to see her in a pretty poor shape, but she’s very pale and skinny. I’m not sure when was the last time she ate a healthy meal or slept.”

“I know. She needs you, too. Now go get some rest.”

With her eyes still closed her eyes, she waited. If only she could actually sleep without alcohol or pills or memories haunting her.

“I know you’re not sleeping,” sighed Kaydel after she sat down next to her. “Unfortunately for you, we’re too much alike.”

The aunt and the niece smiled at each other, knowing that the other was filling in a tiny part of the void caused by guilt.

“I can’t read your mind, however,” she whispered running her fingers through the girl’s hair. “But I know something else is bothering you. You’ve been like this for almost two months. What’s wrong?”

“What it was like when you found out that you’re pregnant?”

“Happy?” she snorted. “I was already forty. My husband’s kids were adorable, but I knew that I wanted to have my own.”

Anna shook her head, feeling it heavy and her stomach rumbling, rejecting the sandwich she had just eaten.

“I’m not talking about Daisy and Margaret. I’m referring to Armitage’s baby.”

Clenching her jaw, Kaydel pulled her hand and avoided her niece’s gaze.

“What about it?” she said before remembering Anna’s initial question. “Well… there’s no secret that I thought at first that it was your dad’s. I didn’t know that Rey was my sister and I honestly believed that Ben was in love with me and that they were about to divorce because they were not getting along. Then the fake Ben beat me until I was almost dead and I only found out the truth when I was already in the hospital. But even by then, I didn’t want it anymore as bad as it makes me look.”

The younger woman straightened her back and started massaging her neck. She couldn’t wait to finally sleep in her old… her  _ actual  _ bedroom.

“That’s where I wanted to get. Mom had one miscarriage when she was younger than I am now. But what it was like for you? What did you feel?”

Her aunt was obviously uncomfortable and kept avoiding her even after she crossed her legs and arms. She was in her defensive mode but she was aware that Anna Solo was too much of all of her blood relatives to just give up.

“I wanted that baby,” she licked her lips, “only in the context of forming a family with the man I thought I was in love with. As you know, I lost my family and my adoptive parents wanted an heir, not an actual child to love. And Ben was amazing as my friend and… even as my love. After Armitage beat me, I didn’t know yet that they were different people and I felt heartbroken, betrayed and used. I realised that I had been fed lies and that my hopes had been nothing but illusions. It broke me. It made me want to go back to the careless party girl that would never grow up. The child of someone who deceived me and abused me was not going to be part of that life. So I… umm… I actually lost it and didn’t get to have an abortion.”

“So you didn’t do it on purpose?”

“No,” she chewed on the inside of her cheek. “I didn’t have an abortion.”

“So it was a miscarriage like my mom’s.”

Kaydel narrowed her eyes and tilted her head.

“Anna… Don’t make me ask it.”

The girl couldn’t lie to her. She closed her eyes and buried her head between her knees.

“Shit…”

“Yeah.”

The position was giving her a terrible back- and headache so she found herself forced to face her aunt and the truth.

“I might be pregnant and what’s surprisingly even worse is that I don’t even know who is the father.”

Kaydel was prepared to ask her if it had anything to do with a similar gathering like the one she had encountered that noon, but a loud noise made them jump. Behind their seats, a man lifted his gym bag off the floor and rushed to the front desk.

“Who’s that?”

“I don’t know him,” shrugged Kaydel, “but I do know the man entering now. He’s your mom’s last hope.”

Anna followed her aunt running to the man, but she couldn’t shake off the feeling that she was being followed herself. She turned her head quickly, just as that other man left the front desk and went to the elevator. All she could hope was that unlike whoever saw her in the city, this person wouldn’t inform her dad about her suspicions… or at least until she confirmed it and got rid of the problem. The only thing she could do for that bunch of cells was to spare it from a miserable life as her child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: The Weeknd - Try Me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y08R20KflNM)


	35. Fresh Pair of Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sequel part 2

“Is mommy sick?”

Anna put down the scissors and took another look at her bangs before turning to check on her brother. James was by the railing, holding her beloved Fufu and watching Rey walk in circles, holding her huge belly and mumbling. She was wearing a large cotton nightgown and every couple of seconds, she rubbed her belly.

“No,” said the girl, sitting down next to him. “She’s going to have two babies. A boy and a girl. I’ve already picked their names. Alexander and Holly.”

James narrowed his eyes and smirked at his sister.

“You picked my name too.”

“Only Luke,” she said proudly. “Mommy and daddy picked James. Actually daddy, but mommy took the credit.”

“Can’t I pick the babies’ names? They’re my brother and sister too.”

The girl peeked through the railing and saw her dad come in with a bag full of soft pretzels. She clenched her fingers around the beams and let out a whimper, before putting her arm around her baby brother. Well… he was no longer a baby and his toes were no longer the size of tiny beans.

“Mmmmno,” she giggled knowing exactly that he would furrow, allowing her to touch that crease on his forehead. “Ok, fine. But only for the boy, because mom and dad were considering Penelope for the girl.”

James hugged her back, putting his head on her chest and tickling her with his dark chestnut curls.

“Alexander James or Alexander Luke?”

“You can’t give him your name.”

“Alex Benjamin?”

“That’s mine.”

“Then Miles?”

“ _ Miles _ ?”

The little boy lifted his head and looked his sister in the eye.

“Like the kitten Bee brought home last week.”

Anna sighed and gave him a compassionate smile. No matter how much they and their poor Bee had tried to nurse the weak kitten, it ended up dying only two days later. She went with her father to bury it under a rose bush in the backyard, while her mom told James a story about how they found the kitten’s real mom and took him back to her. It broke his little heart and he ended up crying in Rey’s arms until he fell asleep. If he suffered that much despite claiming to be happy for the kitten, she didn’t want to know how much he would have suffered had he known the actual truth.

“Are you sure you want to name our baby brother after a kitten?” she said caressing his cheeks.

“I like this one and I know that at least he won’t leave like our kitten. And I promise I’ll never leave him either. Nor our sister.”

“What about the rest of us?” she pinched his cheeks.

The boy snorted.

“Why would I leave any of you, silly?”

***

Another one.

At least this time it made sense given that she had fallen asleep in his bedroom, holding Fufu and hugging his pillow, still bearing his scent.

Her little peach.

Squeezing the pillow, she sniffed just as her eyes were filling up with tears again. One moment he was in the backseat of the car, asking her and Rey to stop arguing, then the next moment she trying to unfasten her seatbelt to reach the bloodied body of her mother, while there was no trace of Jamie.

“Dad?” she got up and scratched her scalp. The house was empty or at least the silence made it look empty. Dragging her feet, she left the room and looked around. The place looked abandoned. Not even the twins’ toys were on the floor anymore.

“Dad? Alex? Holly?”

She stopped in front of the main bedroom door and knocked once before the door opened on its own. She stepped inside carefully and was immediately greeted by an old Bee and a mixture of her mom’s perfume and her father’s.

“Hey, oldie,” she whispered noticing her father and siblings sleeping. “How are you?”

She picked up the old cat and gently scratched her behind the ear. The poor thing was so fragile that it was a surprise that she had managed to reach her twentieth birthday. Somehow, it still had the power to meow and cuddle at her owner’s chest. Once, they both used to be the babies of that family. Now, they both had to take care of what was left of their family. 

“What’s this?” she asked as Bee was playing with one of her curls. She carefully sat down on the bed and took off the lid of the box resting at her father’s feet. Photos and her mom’s old scrapbook. Oh, and some sonograms… and judging by the date of the one she was holding, she was the baby in it. It was the only thing her parents had of her first years. That and the blanket her mom made for her while she was caged and tortured by a maniac. She could have done something to get rid of her and ease her own pain at the hands of that man. Instead, Rey fought for her and tried to protect as much as she could, a thing which she wasn’t able to do. Of course, her mom was married and in love and had a career, so despite being just a little bit younger than her, she knew what she wanted. But Anna was a college drop-out, had no passions, no career, was drinking her pain almost every night and had slept with an unknown man. She didn’t want that baby and it was breaking her heart to think like that. Perhaps if Rey had been there, she would have known what to do. Actually… if Rey had been there, she wouldn’t have been in that situation in the first place. But only she was to blame for her mother’s condition.

“Annie?”

The young woman blinked quickly and looked at her sister. Little Holly rubbed her eyes and smiled, showing some of her missing front teeth. She was also wearing one of her old overalls, while Alex was wearing some of James’ old clothes. In fact, they were wearing clothes they would normally wear outside, not to bed. And so was their dad. They all must have fallen asleep as soon as they got home. No dinner. No bath. No nothing of their usual schedule. And it was not just because their mom was not home. Ben was the best dad and he had always been very active in what concerned the parenting part. It was because he was exhausted and overwhelmed.

“Come here,” she called her sister, who crawled to her and cuddled in her arms. “How are you, pumpkin?”

“I was sad, but now I’m a little bit better. I missed you.”

Damn those tears!

“I missed you too. But now I’m back for good.”   
“Promise?”

“Promise. Now,” she said cupping her cheek with one hand and running her fingers through the girl’s hair with the other, “what do you want to do today?”

The little girl blinked, confused. She’d been asked that question too many times in the past months, but each time she had to choose between various activities she didn’t really want to do. This time it sounded genuine. Her mouth opened but she was immediately pulled from her sister’s arms by a pair of strong hands.

“Where has my pumpkin vanished?” asked Ben on a funny voice and tickled her. 

“Daddy, no!” she giggled.

“Leave my sister alone, evil wizard!”

Anna chuckled watching Alexander through his arms around Ben’s neck. They all used to play like that, so it was heartwarming seeing them smile and enjoy themselves. At least the twins still had some precious moments to remember and Ben had something to fight for. However, she was not feeling yet at home, despite wanting to be part of it again. She wanted to throw herself on the bed and for everyone to come torture her with tickles.

“I love you so much,” she whispered.

The trio stopped with their morning game and looked at her as if feeling the painful distance between her and them,

“Anna said she’ll stay with us till the end of time!” bragged Holly with a proud smile on her face.

“Did she?” asked Ben as Alexander threw his arms around Anna’s waist for the biggest hug.

“Of course!” she tried to look cheerful. “And we can have fun while daddy is at his workshop.”

“But we like going to the atelier with workshop.”

“Especially now that we can’t bake with mommy anymore.”

Father and daughter exchanged glances. Anna could have sworn that her father was moments away from a meltdown. And she was not going to allow it.

“Anyone hungry?” she asked, helping her father get up.

“No more sandwiches,” whined Holly.

“And no more pizza!”

That was a rather unusual set of words to come out of the mouths of two eight-year-olds, but during her time away from home, Anna had grown to realize how much she could miss her mom’s cooking. Of course, her dad was a great cook, too, but between work, taking care of the house and the twins and the many hours spent at the hospital, he sure was tired and had to sacrifice the homemade meals. But now that she was there, he could only focus on work, Rey and getting the rest he so much deserved.

“Hey, dad, can I take out the kids for a walk and breakfast, while you can go back to sleep? Actually,” she said once she saw him get ready to refuse her offer, “I’m not even asking for permission. I’m going to spend some quality time with my siblings and we’ll come back later. Ok?”

Ben knew that there was no point in contradicting Rey’s daughter, especially since the youngest babies were also tired of the same dull sandwiches, so he nodded and gave them each a hug before watching them leave his bedroom. He listened to their voices as they took turns going to the bathroom and as Anna helped them pick up their clothes. He remained frozen, sitting on the edge of the bed until he heard the front door close with a loud slam. All alone now, Ben let out a miserable sob and clenched his fist to the chest before he used his other hand to open the drawer and pick up a bottle of medicine.

“Don’t die on us, Ben.”

For a blurry moment, he mistook his best friend’s voice and face for his wife’s. Seeing him confused, Kaydel took the bottle of medicine and took out one pill before handing it to him, along with the glass of water from his nightstand. She then sat down next to him, picking up Bee, whose meows were rather weaker than usual.

“I’m trying my best,” he smiled, “but these past months have been  _ a lot _ . I don’t know what kept me going years ago when Rey was kidnapped - perhaps hope or perhaps that feeling I had that she was still alive - but right now, Kay…” he shook his head rather gloomy. “Right now I’m only taking these pills because my kids need me. Alex and Holly are so young. I can’t risk anything happening to me and leaving Anna to take care of them. I don’t want her to waste her life and youth by taking over my responsibilities.”

“Hey,” she squeezed his shoulder. “You took care of your mom for years and never once did you complain about it.” 

“Oh,” he sighed, “you have no idea how much I miss my mom and dad in these moments. And Luke. You and Luke helped me back then and I… I-I’m maybe a fool, but I know he would have helped us find James… or at least his body.” He squeezed his eyes shut and his lips thinned in a firm line. “This is not how it was supposed to be like,” he wept as Kaydel hugged him. “And I know Anna’s not fine either. She can’t fool me.”

Kaydel inhaled deeply and bit her tongue, letting him go. The way he said those words… Just because he didn’t ask her straight away, it didn’t mean that she didn’t understand what he silently asked her.

“Let her be here with you. She was directly involved and feels guilty. Her presence here is good for all of you and being home might help her healing process, too.”

“What about your presence?” he sniffed wiping his tears. “You can’t fool me either. You didn’t just take your girls to spend quality time with their cousins.”

Kaydel closed her eyes, avoiding his gaze.

“Are you and your husband…”

“He’s a great man, Ben,” she sighed, “but this thing made me reconsider our relationship. We’ve been separated for a couple of weeks but last week, he brought me flowers and my favourite perfume for our anniversary and I cooked for him one of Rey’s dishes. We drank wine, chatted, laughed… it was just like when we started dating years ago. He missed me and I missed him and the girls were so happy because kids know what their parents are happy and getting along.”

“But?”

She pursed her lips and looked at him with a sad look on her face.

“I’m… I think I’m in love with someone else, Ben. I don’t want to pull him back in our marriage only to push him away when I finally decide that I can’t do this anymore. However, I’m aware that my feelings might not be reciprocated and that at my age-”

“It’s never too late for love, Kay,” he whispered. “Think things clearly, then go for it. Or go back to your husband and work things out. But don’t be afraid to put yourself first.”

Kaydel got up and stretched her arms.

“I think I will focus more on myself after we solve the situation with this new doctor.” 

She chuckled seeing the twinkle in Ben’s eye, glad that he was finally showing some signs of hope.

“Let’s have a coffee first! Or at least let me have one if you’re on medication and can’t have any.”

Ben nodded and followed her downstairs. He picked Holly’s duck off the floor and put it in the empty fruit bowl. When was the last time he bought any fresh fruit?

“So I had a little chat with the doctor,” she began after realizing that there was no coffee in the cupboards and had to take some old teabags from some old forgotten box, “and he is very interested in Rey’s case. He had already studied it, otherwise, he wouldn’t have bothered travelling from the other side of the country, and he has this experimental treatment he has been working on with one of his proteges. However, being experimental, you’ll have to sign a lot of papers. There’s a huge risk.”

Ben took the teacup from Kaydel and finally decided to sit down.

“Of course,” he snorted. “What is it this time?”

“Her life, Ben. He can’t guarantee success.”

Their eyes met and they shared a moment of compassion. One would lose his wife and the other one would lose her sister.

“Then what’s the point?”

She shrugged and Ben saw tears filling up her eyes.

“It’s the first time someone is willing to do  _ anything _ ,” her voice trembled. “Please. Think about it.”

“Fine,” he said before taking a sip. He needn’t actually think about it. What was the point in keeping her in a coma for the rest of their days when there was even the tiniest chance for her to recover? She could die, but she could also wake up. Was it worse hurrying up her death than keeping her in a coma until her organs would fail one by one?

“Are you sure?” she stuttered, a little bit taken aback by his sudden decision.

“I’m doing it for her. We’re either bring her back or letting her go.” He leaned in and looked at Kaydel’s red puffy eyes. “Now back to a very important aspect - money. How much?”

“Umm…” she sniffed. “It’s a lot. The doctor said that he won’t charge anything for himself as it is the first time trying this procedure, but the rest of the medical staff, the medicine and everything else is quite expensive. I haven’t worked much since I gave birth to my girls and my funds are not as impressive as before, but I can help you with maybe a quarter.”

That was far less than she would have normally provided.

“Of course, this means that I would have to postpone any thoughts of getting divorced. Perhaps I can ask my husband and he could help us.”

“I’m not going to pimp you out, Kay,” he shook his head. “Not even to your own husband. I can sell my car…  _ again _ . I don’t want to touch the kids’ college money, but perhaps I could go see if I can get some of James’ money given that he’s… gone. Or maybe I can get a loan from the bank and pay it gradually.”

“Not if you’re going overwork yourself and die before you get to pay back at least the first 10%.”

“And what else do you want me to do? Everything I’ve been making these past months has been wasted on the hospital bills. The twins are growing and I had to take out Jamie and Anna’s old clothes because I can’t afford new ones.”

“You should have told me, Ben!” she protested. “You know I-”

“You have your own problems. At least I don’t have to pay for Annie’s rent now, as bad as it makes me look.”

Kaydel crossed her arms against her chest and looked around.

“We could ask Finn and Poe for money,” she suggested. “Rose is already overwhelmed by the work at the cafe and she’s also spending lots of money on Esra’s treatment.”

“She just got her a new chair and she’s already done enough taking care of the cafe and of my kids.”

“So I’ll call Finn and-”

“No,” he said almost slamming his fist against the table. “Finn turned his back on us. He didn’t answer to not even one damn email or text message, Kay! And they grew up together!”

The woman started chewing on her bottom lip. She was listening to him but, at the same time, her mind was somewhere else. There still was someone who could help them.

“Ben,” she licked her lips, “do you remember twenty years ago when-”

His glare answered her question before she had the chance to finish it.

“Of course you do. We all do. What I want to point out is that I lied to you and everyone else.”

“What do you mean?” he furrowed.

“I didn’t lose that baby.”

“Oh,” he put his cup down. “I had a feeling back then and so did Rey, but we thought you needed privacy and didn’t ask anything.”

“And I’m thankful for everything,” she smiled. “The thing is that I didn’t leave back then for any of the reasons I told you. I mean, I did need time for myself and to think, but it was more than that. The fact that it survived that beating made me reconsider having an abortion. I gave birth to that baby but didn’t want to have it anywhere near me to remind me of what had happened, so I gave that child up for adoption.”

Ben scratched the back of his neck, trying to read Kaydel’s thoughts, but her face was blank and he was too tired to focus on anything.

“So why are you telling me this now?”

“You’ll see,” she whispered giving him the saddest smile. “You’ll see.”

***

The three remaining Solo children entered their mother’s cafe, trying to figure out whether it was worth waiting in a queue. Couples and parents and children were waiting to buy Shay’s delicious goodies and offer their support for the Solo family, in exchange for something to gossip about. Clenching her jaw, Anna put on the hood of her scarlet hoodie and turned the twins so that they would face her and not the crowd.

“What do you want to eat, babes?” she spoke on a playful tone so that they would not notice her tension.

“I want a cherry pie!” said Alex while putting on his hood to look like his older sister.

“I want an apple pie! Or no! An apple strudel with vanilla ice cream.”

“Ok, I was talking about actual food, not desserts. Unless you want to go back and ask dad to make you sandwiches again.”

“Ew!”

“His sandwiches are good,” shrugged Holly, “but he makes them always with the same cheese and ham and he puts the bad type of ketchup. He buys food now only from the closest store and the food there is not great. I miss his old tomato, mozzarella and prosciutto cotto sandwiches.”

“And I miss baking pizzas all together. Now we buy one and get one for free and they’re so bad. Or maybe they’re good, but ours were so much better.”

“Well, have you asked daddy to let you order the groceries you want from the farm? This way he wouldn’t have to stop at the bad store on his way back home.”

“Dad is poor,” said Alex while playing with the laces of his hoodie, “and since James went to study in another town, the greenhouse is a mess.”

“Well, most plants are just out of season. I go grab some for my tea and that’s pretty much all.”

Anna dug her nails deep into the flesh of her palms. The perfect equilibrium of their family had been disturbed and almost completely ruined. And all because of her stupid attitude.

“Anyway…” she whimpered. “What do you want to eat?”

“Mushroom quiche and peach ice tea,” answered the twins, holding hands. Their sister kneeled before them and hugged them, hiding their faces from the nosy clients of Shay’s. Once the queue started forming behind them, they approached the counter and looked at what was left. No mushroom quiches, but plenty of sandwiches, gyros and pastries.

“Hello and welcome to Shay’s! What can I offer you?”

“Annie,” Holly pulled her by the sleeve, “how much money have you got?”

Anna swallowed the saliva in her mouth and felt the card in her pocket. She had a very large amount of money as she had tried not to spend anything from her dad, but seeing her sister so worried about spending money was breaking her heart. She was proud of her and her kindness, but a hungry child shouldn’t worry about money.

“What money?” said a familiar voice. “This is your family business. Mara, don’t charge them anything.”

The kids turned to their sister for her permission and she nodded rather reluctantly. 

“Aunt Rose,” she hugged her, “I love you, but I don’t want to cause any trouble. I can pay for our food.”

“Nonsense! Everything here is yours! Well… at least part of it. Now pick something and go sit down. I’ll come to you as soon as the crowd leaves.”

But by the time Anna checked on her siblings, they were already carrying two large mozzarella, tomato, pesto and chicken sandwiches, one gyro and a huge basket full of pastries.

“Don’t you think you’ve exaggerated a little?” she scolded them.

“Aunt Rose said that everything is for free for us,” shrugged Alexander. “Besides, the pastries are mostly for you. You look hungry.”

Indeed, she hadn’t eaten much those past months. She had tried to save as much money as she could and then, after that blurry night, she felt too nauseous to eat anything. The free drinks at the bar were supposed to make days pass faster and keep her from spending any money. And now that she was so close to decent food, her stomach awakened. She followed them to a table and helped them with the basket.

“This is so good,” giggled Alex, adding some chilli flakes. “My tummy is finally happy.”

“Mine too! Annie, we should get some for daddy, too.”

The young woman stopped eating and picked a paper napkin. If she continued eating like an insatiable squirrel, she would end up throwing up. Of course, she had experience given her many drunken nights and possible pregnancy. Even if decided to keep it, would that baby be ok? She’d started drinking less, but she had still been drinking. One more piece of evidence that she was not meant to be a mother yet. She had taken so much care of her mother during her last pregnancy, asking her to eat fewer sweets and take her vitamins, but when it came to her own baby, she was a mess.

“Annie,” coughed Holly, “can you get us something to drink?”

“Yeah, sure.”

She wiped her hands and got up. The queue was still long, but she could at least go get something bottled. So she made her way, sneaking between a group of teens carrying tennis rackets and then behind the counter until she reached the beverage refrigerator. She was about to open it when someone called her.

“Miss, excuse me. May I get a bottle of mineral water?”

“Sorry,” she smiled, “I don’t work he-”

The words froze in her throat as her eyes met a perfect blend of green and blue. His hair was still that fantastic shade of strawberry blonde and even though his face was more mature now that he was also sporting some stubble, while his body was not as skinny as before, he was mostly the same man who stole her heart only to break it mercilessly.

“Elias,” she clenched her jaw.

“Hey, Anna,” he smiled politely. “Umm… Nice to see you again. Ho-how are you?”

“Busy,” she smiled sardonically before taking her bottles of water and leaving him. How was she? He had a lot of nerve to ask her. No! He had a lot of nerve to even look at her!

“What happened?” asked the twins, grabbing their bottles of water.

“Nothing,” she exhaled trying to calm down. “I was thinking about going to the supermarket to get some groceries and maybe cook something for dad. Actually… for all of us.”

“Umm… Annie, is James going to come back home, too?”

Anna looked at her sister and she felt the corners of her mouth forming that grimace she always had before she started crying. In fact, her eyes were burning and stinging. She had to focus on something, a lie, a diversion, anything.

“Sorry, can we talk?”

She lifted her gaze and looked at Elias holding a Shay’s bag and waiting by their table.

“Is he your boyfriend?”

Anna ignored her brother’s question and giggles and furrowed. 

“No,” she said knowing that her answer was perfect for both questions.

“I know that we’re not exactly in good terms, but it-”

“I’m trying to have brunch with my siblings, whom I haven’t seen in months. I don’t have time for you, Mr Hux.”

“It’s about your mom,” he insisted. “I’m… I’m the surgeon’s assistant.”

Her eyes grew wide and she almost dropped her food. Why  _ him _ ?

“Pumpkins, when auntie Rose finishes attending the clients, please ask her to sit with you, ok? I’ll be just two tables away, watching you, so if anything happens, I’m close by.”

Once the kids seemed fine with the idea of being left alone, Anna followed Elias to another table. She had expected his presence to have no effect on her, but his scent already brought back memories of their walks and that kiss in the train station. Back then, she had just a crush on him, crush she hadn’t even acknowledged until she had to fight for his honour and reputation. The few weeks they kept talking even after he returned to college, she became more infatuated with him. But it all ended with… nothing. He simply stopped answering to her texts, calls and emails. Even when she went to college, she hoped they would meet again and finally get an explanation for his behaviour. However, it was as if she had vanished off the face of the earth. She’d always known that he was alive and fine. She was even told that he was spotted in town, while she was away, making her heartbreak and humiliation feel even worse. Her resentment had kept her from dating anyone during those almost six years as she wasn’t sure she could fall in love with someone else or if anyone was worthy of her time and tears. Because he sure hadn’t.

“I’m sorry for coming to you like this, but-”

“But you have no actual reason to bother me as you could have communicated with my aunt or dad or let the actual doctor do the talking. So cut the crap or I’ll leave. Also, aren’t you just a  _ beginner _ ? Didn’t you graduate just a couple of months ago?”

Elias bit his lip, slightly amused but also surprised. He knew her as feisty and bold but right now she was miserable and full of rage. Well… of course she was.

“Fine,” he cleared his throat. “I came up with this experimental procedure and while I was still a student, so I was offered to work with one of my professors and… I didn’t know that it’s Mrs Solo, Anna. I was simply excited that I could finally try it on a much more complicated case and prove that it’s really effective.”

The young woman snorted.

“Yeah, great. I’m glad for you that my mom is in a coma and that you can try your magic on her.”

“Anna,” he scratched his forehead, “what happened?”

“Read her file.”

She was not making things any easier. He sighed and turned his head. It was terrible to look at her and see her resentment in those gorgeous dark eyes of hers. But he should have known that he couldn’t have avoided her his entire life.

“Where is your other brother?” he asked nonchalantly while looking at the twins. They were so big now, no longer the toddlers he had once been indirectly accused of harming. He looked again at Anna and gasped, seeing her bottom lip tremble and her eyes full of tears.

“Don’t let them see me like this,” she whispered, shifting her position so that the twins couldn’t see her face.”Umm… Jamie is no more.”

Elias raised an eyebrow and tilted his head. The boy was barely older than the twins were now, so he perhaps should have been a high school freshman. What could have happened to a boy so young in that boring town? Though, perhaps he shouldn’t ask any questions of such sort, given his family’s history with the Solo family.

“Anna,” he touched her hand. “I know you probably hate me but I-”

“It was my fault,” she said hiding her hands between her knees. “Umm… shortly after you left, my mom found out that she had cancer. Anyway, she got cured but was not really the same. She was weaker and very sensitive. I wanted to take some time off after graduation to take care of her and help her with the cafe and the kids, but she refused. I eventually started knitting and sewing personalised toys and Jamie, who had been helping dad around, used to make me doll heads out of wood for more expensive dolls. So I raised some money from selling them and saved up for college. I knew my dad had money for my education, but I just wanted him to focus on mom and her needs. It also helped me stay busy and forget about you ghosting me.”

Elias licked his lips and opened his bottle of water, giving it to Anna. She drank some as she checked on her siblings, now chatting with aunt Rose, then continued.

“Anyway… I left the house when she was already better and working again. After the first year, I was awarded a scholarship and things were great… until I had a meltdown. Firstly, I realised that I wasn’t happy with my choice and that I hated Law School. Everyone was so horrible and all I wanted was to go back home, but I was already used to the life outside this small town and I didn’t want to be stuck here either. And then, I found out that mom threatened you with a freaking gun and never told me. I was still heartbroken because you came back here and let people see you and you were fine, but you had been avoiding me for years already. So I thought that my mom pretended to be fine with us back then and that she was involved in the whole scandal with Maddie and that you stopped talking to me because of her. I was already depressed and paranoid… some guy at college was harassing me and I was failing exams. I stopped answering to my mom’s phone calls and she drove all the way to the university to come see me. She came with James while dad stayed home with the twins. And… well… she found me drunk and a mess. She asked me to come back home for a while and I agreed. When we left, I was still intoxicated and my mom was a bit unwell, so I asked- No.  _ I  _ drove. I was the one who drove. And it was not the alcohol in my blood, but my anger what made me start arguing with my mom, despite knowing that she was in the backseat, pale and very sick. James kept begging us to stop. We started yelling at each other and I got distracted. The next thing I knew was that I was hanging upside down. I had my seatbelt on but mom and Jamie did not. Mom was somewhere far away, in a pool of blood, while Jamie was… nowhere. Gone.”

“And the police?”

“The police?” she snorted, wiping a tear. “The same police that told my dad that mom left him for another man, while she was imprisoned and tortured by a maniac?”

Elias let out a tiny whimper and Anna closed her eyes. She had forgotten that he was the maniac’s nephew.

“The police gave up after only two weeks,” she explained. “Their incompetence regarding my mom’s case and that thing that happened with Maddie lying made me want to become a lawyer in the first place. I wanted to fight for those for whom the justice was unjust.”

“So he’s missing. No body to confirm his death?”

“Pretty much,” she nodded. “However, we were on a bridge and the car was close to the edge. They said that he must have fallen in the river and drown. They saw no point in wasting funds on searching for his body.”

Still looking at her, Elias tapped his fingers on the table. She was right. The police had once tried to give up - and eventually did - on searching for Rey Solo. It had been easier to label her as a cheater and her husband as an abuser. After all, his own mother had played an important role in the defamation of that couple. And he knew how convenient it was for people to believe lies and ignore any other account.

“I didn’t stop talking to you because of your mom,” he said looking at the beauty mark above her lip. “She did threaten me but she eventually tried to help me. I don’t think she manipulated any of us. However, someone else did almost get me killed.”

Anna sniffed and looked at him with her heart beating like crazy.

“Somehow, rumours started spreading around that I raped or at least molested the daughter of gay celeb chef Finn Dameron. More people started spreading rumours about me and I was suddenly the campus rapist and people were pressing charges, people I’ve never even met. I was put under probation while the bullying continued until I was beaten to a pulp. I tried to keep it a secret from you and not make you feel guilty or responsible. It was not your fault after all. I only stopped talking to you when I ended up in hospital after that beating. And after I was released, I was so done with this town and our families’ drama that I couldn’t find the strength to save our relationship. I transferred to another university and barely set foot here in almost six years.”

Anna blinked, feeling overwhelmed and conflicted. So it was all nothing but a game of dominos. It all started with his uncle meeting her parents at Maz’s and the pieces kept falling until he kidnapped his mom, then they fell and fell until Elias came to her for reassurance that he was not like his uncle and the drama caused in those days with Maddie’s lies led to more pieces falling until their paths parted only to be reunited. The same event that broke them up was now bringing them back together.

“So how are you now?” she asked blushing.

“Umm… I broke up with my fiancee just two or three months ago.”

“Oh!” she said feeling something odd. Was that jealousy?

“Yeah, I realised that I was not in love with her and that it was not fair to drag her with me in an unhappy relationship. We didn’t have anything in common except for our career and we’ve actually barely been together.”

He stopped for a moment to remember the poor woman’s cries. She had tried to make things work out despite his trauma and him always rejecting her. He had asked her to marry him only out of guilt as she had been his closest friend and her love for him had been noticed by everyone. But he never loved her. In his mind, the ideal woman was always going to be a grown-up version of that feisty tall girl with dark eyes and hair.

“Ah,” he said bitterly. “I guess I should congratulate you but given the context, I suppose you’re not very happy.”

“About?” she narrowed her eyes.

“I heard you at the hospital. You’re going to be a mother.”

Anna dropped the bottle and quickly pushed her hair behind her ears.

“It’s complicated,” she murmured and by the look on his face, Elias was expecting more details. “After the accident, aunt Kaydel saved me from jail but I lost my driver’s license for good. I was granted another chance to pass my exams but I lost my scholarship, having to ask my dad to help me with the fee besides the many other expenses. And you know… this should have been a lesson for me. It should have motivated me. However, after my mom woke up only to immediately be put in a coma by the doctors as her wounds were healed but the medicine in her system was poisoning her, I had another meltdown. I stopped going to courses and eventually left the campus. I was so disappointed and disgusted with everything and everyone, including myself, that I saw no point in wasting dad’s money and my time on my education. I hid in aunt Kaydel’s old apartment and started going to parties, allowing guys to buy me drinks or taking advantage of free drinks just to get drunk and forget. However, it seems that one night, I was so drunk that things escalated. The strip poker and kisses with strangers ended up in me waking up in a hotel room with a stranger. And all the symptoms since then point to a very unwanted and unplanned pregnancy.”

“And what do you want to do about it?” he asked caressing her hand.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I don’t really want it. Had my mom been here, I would have asked her to advise me. Hell, perhaps I could have given birth and asked her to raise it. But I can’t do it as she’s almost dead and my dad is already struggling with everything. There’s no place for this baby in my life.”

“And the father?”

“I have no idea who he might be,” she shrugged ashamed. “I have also thought about meeting him and asking him what to do. Maybe he would have wanted it and I could have given up on my parental rights and let him have the full custody. But I’m all alone and I know that I have been drinking, perhaps taking drugs too, and I’m not in the best mental state right now. Aborting it sounds like a better fate than throwing it in an orphanage with many health issues. However, I keep thinking about me becoming a mother later and how good and helpful I was in my siblings’ upbringing. What if in the future I’m with my husband and children and this child comes and asks me why he or she had no place in my life and heart? So maybe I could give birth and raise it and assume my mistake. Maybe this kid will be my only chance of being a mother. I’m… I’m really confused and torn apart.”

They looked each other in the eye until Anna noticed the scar across his mouth and his missing pinky finger at his left hand. Elias too observed her gaze and stopped playing with the bottle cap. He cleared his throat and took his wallet out of his jacket. He picked up a business card and gave it to Anna.

“I need to go now, but I’d love to hear from you. If you want to chat or need me, please call me. I promise this time I’ll answer the phone. If you don’t want to, then I’ll see you at the hospital.”

Anna said nothing and just looked at the card, then at Elias leaving the cafe. Now that she was alone at the table, she got up and went to the other table where Rose was taking care of the kids, while her employee was washing some glasses. She put on a smile and approached them but once her aunt’s deadly stare laid on her, her smile vanished. She needn’t any confirmation to know that she had heard everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: Brooke Waggoner - Fresh pair of eyes (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uQI8be9NsY)


	36. How my poor heart aches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sequel part 3

Anna’s return home had eventually turned out to be good for her and her family. The kids were happy and her dad was less stressed knowing that they were no longer bothering Rose and Esra or spending their time between school, the cafe and Rose’s home and their home. He was also being properly taken care of now that Anna was making sure that his schedule was very strict. Besides, now that she was in charge of the entire household, she no longer needed any alcohol to make time pass faster. After many tears cried to convince aunt Rose to keep her secret, she asked her to let her work there when they needed a helping hand. So while the pumpkins were at school and her dad was working, she was earning enough from her short shifts and tips to buy groceries and to treat herself with supplies for her little hobby.

She turned off the oven and grabbed the breadbasket, putting it on the table, then took a look at the twins’ homework. She read the texts with her lips purse, then she tapped her fingers on the table, between the two notebooks.

“ _ Would _ you like, not  _ do  _ you like. The man isn’t one hundred yet, so the boy asked him whether he liked the idea of turning one hundred. Aaand, Alex… check your spelling. We drop the final ‘-e’ when we add ‘-ing’. It’s silent anyway.”

“Are we going to eat now?” the boy complained as he corrected his mistakes. If only real-life mistakes were that easy to correct.

“Not yet. The soup is too hot and daddy hasn’t left from his client.”

“Do we have cupcakes, Anna?”

The young woman giggled, remembering her own adoration for cupcakes, then went to the countertop to reveal a fresh batch of almond-cherry muffins.

“I didn’t have time for cupcakes and frostings but these ones should be good.”

“Mmm! What’s that smell?”

“Daddy!” ran the twins to hug him, not even letting him to take off his jacket.

“My pumpkins,” he laughed lifting them in the air. “I love you so so so much.”

“I thought you weren’t going to come until later,” said Anna approaching him for her own hug.

“The garden was in a pretty good state and I only had to deliver the new benches and reorganise the gazebo and check the trees. You should see their apricot trees! They’re the best I’ve ever planted in fifteen years.”

Now that’s the spirit! He was finally cheerful and not just because he didn’t want them to see the pain in his eyes. And maybe she would get to see those apricot trees if he asked for help and allowed her to lend him a hand.

“Can you check if our trees are going to make fruit, daddy? I can help!” offered Holly. Be opened his mouth, but he then put his hand on the girl’s wool headband and chuckled.

“What’s this?”

“My new headband,” she said, posing. “Annie made it for me.”

“And she made me a scarf!”

“Yeah, and you should see the toys she makes, daddy!”

Ben lifted his gaze and looked proudly at his now giant mango. She was still pretty pale, but her energy was somehow better. It was as if she had forgiven herself and was ready to let go of her guilt and resentment.

“I know,” he smiled. “She’s the best.”

“And she baked us muffins.”

“Really?” he pretended to be surprised. “And what else?”

“I made butternut squash and white bean soup  _ and  _ I added couscous just like you used to. And we also have grilled carrots and eggplants and roasted chicken.”

“You’re great. Thank you,” he said overwhelmed by pride and the tiny bits of Rey he was seeing in his children. It was Alex’s smile and the way he wrinkled his nose, Holly’s eyes and freckles and Anna’s personality and motherly behaviour. James’ sweetness was missing. In fact, he just missed James entirely. He couldn’t yet grasp the idea that his boy, his first baby he actually got to meet and bond since he was in Rey’s womb, was nothing but a rotting corpse at the bottom of the river. He had never believed Rey to be dead. He could not bury James and his memory just because the police was fine with declaring him dead.

“Are you ok, daddy?”

_ No. _

“Yes,” he smiled despite the pain in his chest making breathing seem more difficult. “I’m going to go change my clothes and wash my hands.”

“Is aunt Kaydel joining us today?” 

“No. She’s not in town.”

Anna nodded and pursed her lips.

“What?” snorted Ben.

“Daddy,” she said pulling him by the hand so that the kids wouldn’t hear them. “This is a bit weird, but… if mommy di-doesn’t make it, will you remarry?”

Ben furrowed almost confused.

“Why are you asking me this?”

“Well… auntie Kay and you are very close and I-”

“Oh, my!” he sighed.

“She’s not very happy in her marriage and what I’m trying to say is that I understand. If you two ever get together, you’ll have my support. I just want you to be happy, daddy.”

“Annie,” he laughed a little bit embarrassed, “I’ve waited for your mom for three years to come back when she was abducted. I’m not going to make up scenarios now that we might have a chance of getting her to wake up. Yes,” he whispered, “she might die, but my priorities will forever be you and your siblings.”

“Yeah, I know,” she chuckled. “I’m just saying that-”

“Love, even if I ever fall for someone else, be it your aunt or some random woman, it won’t happen anytime soon.”

Her father was so radical in his feelings that it both pleased and worried Anna. It was proof that true love was real and timeless, but also difficult if not impossible to get over it. With Elias Hux back, she was once again feeling like a teenager with butterflies in her stomach, which was not right or fair for her.

“Daddy, I need to tell you som-”

The two adults froze as soon as the doorbell rang. Ben barely found the strength to take a step, but Anna was faster and ran to the door, opening it and almost falling all over Elias Hux.

“My mom?” she asked with her eyes already in tears. But the man blinked confused and shook his head.

“No. Sorry. I’m- Your mom is fine. I mean… she’s still in a coma, but I’m… Sorry. Can we do this again?”

He smiled awkwardly and Anna sighed.

“I thought you came here for some bad news.”

“Oh, no. I actually came to tell you that the surgery is scheduled for next week. Actually, more like nine days or ten if we still count this one.”

“Is that loser a doctor?”

“Alexander!” scolded Ben his son, while Anna’s face turned pink. “I’m so sorry, Elias,” he said approaching him for a firm handshake. “And I must thank you for everything you’re doing for my wife.”

“No worries,” he smiled slightly embarrassed before looking at Alex, who was already staring at him with his arms crossed. “I’m almost a doctor but I need some more quests to finish my training.”

The young boy finally relaxed but now it was his sister’s time to be defensive.

“Are you Anna’s  _ boyfriend _ ?”

“Holly!” blurted Anna with her face now completely red. However, Elias’ smirk was making her burning cheeks feel less like burning coal.

“Would you like to join us for dinner?” said Ben and Anna had to bite her tongue to not react like before. Elias was going to refuse anyway. Right?

“I don’t want to bother you but, to be honest, I would love to. My family is away and our usual cook has a couple of days off, so I’ve been eating only sandwiches and quiches from Shay’s.”

“Great!” smirked Ben, seeing his daughter’s flustered face. “Then, please, come in!”

***

“I must say that I was surprised to hear from you.”

Kaydel put down her cup of coffee and took off her sunglasses. Madeleine Dameron had her usually frizzy curly hair straightened and tied with a blue ribbon in a high ponytail. The girl sat down and put her own glass of frappuccino on the table.

“So what do you want from me?”

“I was told a very interesting story.”

The girl clenched her jaw and fists. She didn’t need any other details to know what that story was about.

“When you didn’t get the results you wanted after you lied about Elias Hux assaulting you, you trashed his reputation online. He was harassed, beaten, he lost a finger and kept being accused to get him expelled until he actually transferred on his own.”

Maddie licked her lips and crossed her arms. That was not the story she had in mind. In fact, this one was rather new in terms of aftermaths. When she heard that Anna was no longer dating Elias, she jubilated, but she never actually knew that he ended up so hurt. And somehow, it was bothering her.

“Again, Kaydel,” she blinked trying to appear unaffected. “What do you want from me?”

“I need you to talk to your dads and ask them to help Ben with money for Rey’s surgery.”

“What?” she laughed. “And why would I do that? Because otherwise, you’ll tell them? Big deal, Kaydel! Years ago, I was unapologetic about hurting Rey’s toddlers just to make Anna pay for treating me like a tool. And they were, supposedly, my family. What makes you believe that  _ now  _ I would give a damn about something I did when I was like thirteen? My therapist confirmed that being away from all of you was very good for me, so my dads won’t do anything to come back and help any of you. Also, why do you even care? Aren’t you  _ dying  _ to get rid of your sister to finally hop on her husband’s dick? Oh, wait! You now have a thing for girls. So before you blackmail me, tell me, Kaydel. Does your husband know that you’re the reason why Rose broke off her engagement one month before the wedding?”

Rolling her eyes, Kaydel refused to play her game or make her feelings for Rose something she should be ashamed of. Even in the context of a divorce, her husband was too good to use her affair against her. The only problem was the girls’ custody and her rather unstable relationship with Rose not really making it possible for her to have the same lifestyle and advantages. She would have to move in that small town and give up on her big-city life. The girls were used to their many after school hobbies and giant bedroom. Also, the constant moving between her new place and their father’s or either of them visiting was going to make things stressful for everyone. Maybe it was indeed too late to follow her heart at her age.

“I’m still a lawyer, Madeleine,” she spoke on an icy tone. “I can make Elias sue you and ruin your college life and your relationship with your fathers. This time, Finn wouldn’t forget you.”

Maddie tilted her head with a bitter smile on her face.

“You’d really love to see me destroyed. After all, you hated me before I was even born, didn’t you,  _ mommy _ ?”

Kaydel froze for a moment, before reading the insecurity and anger in the girl’s eyes.

“How do you know?”

“I heard my dads talking about it. It was quite a surprise, I must say. After all, you’ve never shown any signs of being maternal in my presence. Not even awkwardness.”

“It’s because I didn’t know that  _ you  _ were my child,” she admitted before taking a sip out of her coffee. “When I left to give birth, I was confused and miserable. I asked Poe to help me find a family for you, somewhere as far away as possible, and after I gave birth, I suffered from a very severe postpartum depression. I didn’t see you or know what I had. I was told that you were healthy and that a loving family took you. I never had any reasons to believe that you were that child. Besides, I’ve always thought that Poe was your biological father just how Finn is Ernie’s.”

“Really?” the girl snorted. “And how did you find out? I mean, I only found out when Poe tried to convince my dad that I might be crazy because Armitage Hux is my biological father. He didn’t use the exact same words, but given my research, it pretty much sums up his opinion.”

“Poe loves you.”

“I know. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a great dad but he just hates my genes and I can’t help it.”

“Indeed,” nodded Kaydel. “He told me soon after the incident with Rey’s twins and the rape accusations when he came to ask me to talk to you. He was desperate and terrified that you might have inherited some bad genes from that man, while Finn was convinced that Elias was a mini-Armitage and could have impregnated you the same way he did with me and my dead sister.”

She had read about it. After finding out about her biological parents, she had looked up every story about what her biological father had done to the Shay sisters, without even knowing that they were sisters. It made her realise how ironic it was that she was no longer just an outsider brought in that family out of pity. She shared their blood and she was the cousin of the people she had hurt the most and hated the most.

“So why didn’t you come to talk to me?”

“I was in my forties already and pregnant with twins. Being reminded of that pregnancy and the context… it made me fall ill and give birth earlier than I should have, leading to another postpartum depression. It took me a long time to get used to motherhood and bond with them. I ended up not being there for any of my children when they needed me the most.”

“But I don’t need you,” she snapped. “I never did. Poe and Finn were the best parents I could have ever have and they sheltered me from the shame and trauma of being your child with a maniac, as much as they could. However, I still need to know. You’re as unapologetic as I am. I guess I did inherit something from you. So, why didn’t you keep me? Have you ever wanted me?”

Similar questions she had asked her adopted parents when she realised that they didn’t really care much about her. The Connix family was too odd to feel any love or at least show it after she had turned a certain age.

“I didn’t consent to sleep with Armitage Hux. I thought I was having Ben Solo’s child, which was already a shock as I was using protection back then. I felt betrayed and then violated. I was lost and I didn’t want any child in my life, especially a stranger’s. I could have lied and said that I used a donor, but that beating and the trauma didn’t let me think straight. I just knew that none of us could have been happy and I didn’t want you to be raised by someone who didn’t love you. I’m sorry, Maddie, but the only love I had for you… I showed it when I chose to not have an abortion and have you raised by a good family.”

“Hmm… Let’s call it a decent answer, although not satisfactory,” she said emotionless. “You’re right. You couldn’t have offered what they offered me and I must thank you for this.”

Looking at her watch, Maddie got up and straightened her back. Enough mother-daughter time for that lifetime. She was free to tell her dads and sue her. She was wicked enough to fight back and attack her with whatever weapons she had. After all, Maddie was a survivor. She had already survived a beating from her dear biological father and a very traumatic… car accident.

“Did Anna tell you anything about the accident?” she asked with her knees rather weak.

“What exactly?”

“Whose fault it was.”

Kaydel shrugged.

“She was the one driving.”

“No,” said the girl sitting down again. “I was the one driving.”

The older woman parted her lips but was too confused to say anything, so Maddie continued.

“James was too young to even have a license, Rey was barely standing and Anna was drunk. I offered to drive them home but Anna brought up something I had told her. That Rey had threatened Elias Hux with a gun. I knew this from my dads and I told Anna just to hide that I wrote on social media that he raped me and that I might have been the one involved in his sudden disappearance and their break up. Anna and Rey started arguing and James was trying to calm them down. I got scared and distracted and I crashed the car. I had no scratch but I was in shock, hysterical, and Anna told me to run and took the blame.”

Their eyes met and Maddie finally saw some compassion coming from her mother.

“I… I kept the secret all these months, but I can’t keep it anymore. I’ll tell my dads and they’ll help out with the money Rey needs. After all, it’s my fault she’s in a coma.”

“It was just an accident. You were trying to help them.”

The girl quickly wiped her tears and sniffed. Those kind words coming from the same woman who gave her life but not love were overwhelming her.

“Do you even know what’s my middle name?” she blurted.

Kaydel furrowed.

“Corrine. After Kaydel Corrine, born Shay, adopted Connix, married Matterson. My mother.”

Her mother smiled and it was not a polite smile or one mocking her pain.

“You… you have the Shay hair colour like my sisters and I. And like  _ your  _ sisters. And your natural frizzy curly hair is like my grandma’s.”

“But I have his eyes and damaged personality.”

“No, Maddie. You’re your own person.”

This time, Madeleine got up with her fingers clenched around her purse. She hated that urge, that need to hug her biological mother. So it was better for her to leave.

“I must go back to the lecture but, as far it concerns me, you’ll have your money by tomorrow.”

***

“These are so cool.”

Anna ran her fingers through her hair, trying to not show how flattered she was by Elias’ appreciation. After their meal, the kids invited him to join them also for dessert and to maybe play a game. However, Ben sure had other plans to keep the twins occupied and away from her Anna and her beau, so he brought downstairs Rey’s old box of memories and the photo albums. They were supposed to look at their family photos the night Anna came back, but they had fallen asleep. And he was sure that with Elias there and those past days in which she had put anyone but herself in the first place, she needed some time for herself.

“Can I take these ones or do I have to like fill a form for a special commission?”

Anna rolled her eyes and snatched the knitted doll.

“If you’re going to keep being so snarky, maybe you should go buy some mass-produced plastic toys from the toy shop.”

“I’m sorry,” he laughed. “But I mean it. My nieces are going to love them. My sister is that type of mother who doesn’t want any plastic around her kids or… sugar or carbs.”

“Well, if she’s a good mom, maybe we can’t really judge her.”

Elias put his hands over hers, brushing his thumbs against her skin. For whoever would have looked at them, he was just taking the toy from her. But for them, their skin touching was only reminding their bodies that they were now old enough to handle that flame inside them.

“Annie, look! It’s you when you were little!”

Biting her lip and with her cheeks a dark shade of pink, Anna got up from the floor and went to get the photo from her siblings. Her first Christmas with her parents. Her mom had made her the most adorable space buns and dressed her in a red velvet dress with white stockings and red shoes. In fact, her mom wore a red dress too and her dad a red sweater. But that was only for the first set of photos because after the first drop of hot chocolate on her dress, they decided to change back into Christmas-themed pyjamas. So most of their Christmas photos were like that - with them in their pyjamas, except for when someone was organising a dinner or the few times they went skiing, but even then, they had to take a photo with them in matching pyjamas. Then there were the photos of their wedding, birthdays, actual birth days, the first day of school, last day of school, holidays and vacations… They had been happy. They had truly been happy regardless of the kidnapping, missing years, deaths, arguments, cancer and accident. They had all those memories to cherish and hold onto. 

Anna touched her belly and smiled. Whatever decision she was going to take, it was all going to be fine. They were all survivors. Well… not all of them, but that feeling in her chest was amazing and a very welcome change after all that time. 

“I think I am going to take these,” whispered Elias showing her two dolls and some plushies. Anna smiled and approached him, but stopped when she noticed the teddy’s missing ball.

“Anything wrong?” said Elias coming closer, obviously referring to her pregnancy.

“Umm… there was supposed to be a toy ball. That teddy is a football player. It should have a tiny football… umm…”

“There it is!” rushed one of the twins behind one of her mother’s beloved teal armchair. Alex lifted the ball but his eyes were still focused on something else. “Bee doesn’t look so good.”

Holly followed her brother and picked up Bee.

“Is she sick?” she whimpered showing the poor animal to Elias. “You’re a doctor. Fix her.”

“I’m not a doctor for animals, little one,” he smiled to her, trying to console her. After all, the lack of reaction and the position of her limbs and head, it was more than obvious that the animal was gone. However, he kneeled in front of Holly and Alex and gently took the cat. She was no longer breathing and neither did her heartbeat anymore at that point. He raised his gaze to look at Anna, who had covered her mouth. Just before, her eyes were glimmering and she was glowing, but now her eyes were wet and she was miserable once again.

“I’m sorry,” he said and let Ben take Bee’s lifeless body, while Anna kneeled next to him to hug her siblings. She had foolishly believed that for once, they were going to have a nice day without any drama.

Twenty-year-old Bee Solo was wrapped in her favourite blanket and placed in a wooden box carved by Ben and which once held Anna’s toy jewellery. She was buried in the backyard, under the magnolia tree, along with her favourite toys and a bee hair clip from Rey’s old collection.

“We’ve had cats, dogs, bunnies, turtles, parrots and fish. They all died, but Bee…” sighed Anna, swinging on the old swing. Ben had finally convinced the kids to go inside and go to bed with the promise of telling them all the stories about Bee he could remember. “Bee was always there. She’s always been there. When I was brought here from the orphanage, she was already here and barely was a couple of months old. All those photos in the living room… she’d lived through all of those events. She was as much of a family member as any of us. And I can’t help thinking that her death is a sign. Maybe my mom won’t make it.”

Elias put his hand on the back of her head and stroke her hair. 

“As a doctor, I can’t lie to you and promise you that she’ll get better and wake up. However, I did meet a group of travellers camping by the Jade Canal. They believe that newborn kittens represent the future birth of a baby, while the death of a cat represents rebirth.”

Anna furrowed and not only because the Jade Canal was where her brother had drowned, but simply because such beliefs were ridiculous and Elias was even more ridiculous to believe them.

“Life is an ongoing circle of repetitive patterns. Another example,” he said pointing at the magnolia in bloom, “is that an early-blooming magnolia tree announces a return. Of course, for their people, this meant the official end of the cruel winter and the return to their homelands.”

She was obviously still not impressed, so he licked his lips and looked at the intricate design of the glass terrace.

“I… I found a doctor for your prob-condition.”

Anna’s eyes went wide.

“She’s quite busy so I booked an appointment for you for tomorrow. It’s just a check-up to see if you’re truly pregnant and if you’re… umm… ok, especially given how it happened.”

“Thank you,” she whispered suddenly feeling emotional again.

“But she’s not here as I assumed that you might not want to be seen by any curious eyes.”

“Yeah…” she nodded.

“So…” he insisted. “What I’m trying to say is that I can take you and be there for you.”

Anna considered refusing, but with Kaydel’s whereabouts being a mystery and her list of people who knew about her condition ending with Elias and Rose, it was perhaps better to accept his offer.

“Thanks, but aren’t you supposed to be here? Won’t the doctor get upset if you just leave for so long?”

“We’re here only for this surgery, so as long as I do my part, it’s fine. Besides, he knows that this is my hometown and that I barely come here anymore.”

_ Oh _ ! Only for the surgery? So he was going to leave again and she was supposed to get over him  _ again _ .

“Oh, and I’ll bring you the money for the toys. You’re really talented. You should start selling them online or get a shelf for your stuff at Shay’s.”

She was flattered and his suggestion was not bad, but her clenched fingers around the rope of the swing were the proof that something else was bothering her and not allowing her to think about anything else.

“And the things you do with your siblings and your patience for homework and tutoring them at home… Maybe you should become a teacher.”

A teacher? But she had just dropped out of law school. She had no time or finances to waste on another degree she would get bored of. 

“I can’t do this,” she snapped, jumping off the swing.

“What do you mean?”

She ran her fingers through her hair, with a wild look on her face, then she approached him once he stood up.

“ _ This _ , Elias!” she cried “I’m pregnant with an unknown man’s child and you’ve just broken up your fiancee. Our paths crossed again only by accident. You will leave and I’ll stay here with my family and work at Shay’s until Alex grows old enough to take over the business. With my family’s luck, my mom won’t survive and my dad and I will be miserable and traumatised for the rest of our lives until maybe he marries aunt Kaydel and I’ll j-”

“Can you please shut up and listen to me?” he raised his voice before cupping her face. “You’re upset now and it’s normal but you were so happy earlier and I know this whole mood change is not about your cat dying.”

“It’s because I’m pregnant, dumbass,” she tried to push him, but he only pulled her closer. Once their noses touched, she sniffed and put her hands on his face, imitating his gesture.

“Tell me,” he begged her and that look in his eyes was breaking down her walls and melting her heart.

“I love you,” she found herself whispering.

“Say it again.”

He kissed her cheek and she smiled.

“I love you, Elias Adrian Hux. And it breaks my heart knowing that you’re going to leave me again because I don’t deserve you.”

“See?” he laughed. “Here you’re wrong. I never stopped loving you.”

Anna lifted her chin, begging him silently for an actual kiss. A kiss that tasted like salty tears and the brown sugar sprinkled over her muffins.

“Stay with me tonight,” she begged him, but he shook his head, rejecting her offer.

“I can’t. Besides, I think your dad and siblings might need you tonight.”

“Then can we at least go for a walk? Like we used to?” she insisted.

Now that was an offer he was not going to refuse. After one more kiss, he took her hand and they headed to the path leading them to the main street. He knew that Anna probably needed some time away from the house, which was indeed a great idea given that once they left, the figure that had been listening to their discussion left the balcony and entered the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: The Police - Every Breath You Take (Denmark + Winter - Re:Imagined) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NDSP9dzk7g)


	37. Between you and a thousand seas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sequel part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the 20000 views! I feel so touched (though I still feel like 99% of my readers have probably considered killing me) and I am so happy that some of you really liked this rollercoaster and messy telenovela I wrote during lunch breaks and 12 hour-long train rides.  
This chapter was already 14 pages long and I didn't get to cover some 3 very important scenes. With Covid still being a thing, I might have to go under lockdown somewhere where I'm not sure if I'll get the time to write as much as I usually do (I also have to write around 100,000 words on things I don't care about). So... I leave you this to celebrate the 20,000 views mark (I suppose famous Reylo FF writers are laughing at me for being so happy about this) and although I had promised myself not to make this sequel longer than 5 chapters, I might have to write one or two more before the last one. We'll see.  
Thank you again for everything!

Elias Adrian Hux was not ready to enter his old home only to stumble upon his mother’s tall and imposing figure. Once Phasma crossed her arms and began tapping her foot, he gulped, suddenly feeling twenty years younger. He threw his messenger bag and backpack on the floor and started taking his jacket off as his mother took off her white poncho and suede flats. Ever since she became a grandmother, Phasma had stopped wearing her very expensive high heels, but not because it was easier to run after her grandchildren, in her flats, but because she didn’t want any scratches or stains on them from those adorable little monsters.

“Hello, mother,” he said with an amused grimace and kissed her on the cheek.

“Elias,” she hissed. “I’ll give you twenty- no! Ten seconds to tell me why Anna Solo is in your bedroom… in your bed to be more specific.”

“Yeah,” he smiled like he used to when he and the other kids in the Hux family used to draw with his mother’s and his aunt’s lipsticks on the white mahogany floor. “Well… it’s a long story.”

Unlike her usual self, Phasma sat down on the stairs and invited her son to sit next to her.

“Actually,” he chuckled nervously, “it’s not that long. It’s just very complicated.”

Earlier that day, Elias checked the time on his phone, after once again forgetting that he lost his favourite watch that weird night, shortly after he had broken up with his fiancee. He then looked at Anna’s slender figure as she was dropping her siblings off at school and clenched his fingers around the steering wheel. He wanted so much to touch her hair and those adorable curls escaping her ponytail. Now that he could see things more clearly, it was so obvious why he had actually accepted that superficial relationship with poor Hannah. He had sought normality and comfort but also he had enjoyed the illusion of another pair of dark eyes and black curls that would replace the ones he missed so much.

“Annie, get in!” he called her.

The girl took a step back, surprised, then approached the car and got in.

“Why are you here?”

She seemed so distant and cold but her rosy cheeks and her nervous fingers were giving away her anxiety. It was about their rediscovered feelings and the kisses from the previous night, but also about her situation. She was afraid of being in love and being loved when she was carrying a baby she didn’t want but also didn’t want to give up on without considering all the possibilities over and over again. As much as she needed his love, their romance was going to make her choice even more difficult.

Ignoring her obvious nervosity, Elias put his hand on her cheek and leaned in. She did not reject him, but it did take her a few moments to kiss him back.

“When did you become so bold?” she purred pressing her forehead against his.

“When I realised how madly in love I am with you,” he sighed, then looked again at the steering wheel. “Are you ready?”

“No,” she confessed. “I’m not sure if I can do it just yet.”

“It’s just e checkup,” he squeezed her hand. “Keep in mind that it will help you decide what you want to do.”

“Ok,” she sighed. “But can you come with me? Inside, I mean. I don’t want to be alone when I’ll see it.”

“Of course,” he smiled to her, although the odd sensation in his chest was rather confusing. He didn’t want to pressure her or to influence her decision in any way. It was her body and her baby, but he wasn’t very sure how their relationship was going to work out given the distance, once he would leave, and her baby, in case she would keep it.

“Are we going to come back on time for my shift?”

“Yes. It’s quite early, so we’ll be back by then. Oh, and I got you the money for the toys. There’s an envelope in the glove compartment.”

Taking it as an invitation to start going through his stuff, Anna opened it and found a stack of papers, including some wedding invitation samples. Some already had the personalized text printed in golden cursive letters and they all mentioned the names of Elias Adrian Hux and Hannah Bianca Spencer.

“Did you give her a ring?” she asked on a nonchalant tone to hide her jealousy.

What a ridiculous question! Of course, he did!

“Yes, but she returned it to me. It’s in the glove compartment too.”

Anna pursed her lips and pretended to be looking for her envelope. However, her eyes were searching for the ring. When she finally found the envelope, she also found the ring. A simple band with a light blue diamond. Pretty, but rather dull. It was as if it was lacking any personality or passion. But that was none of her business, so she grabbed her envelope and closed the compartment. The content was rather impossible to feel, making her wonder if he was old school and preferred cheques, but once she pulled two 500 notes, her jaw dropped.

“Are you insane? They’re just freaking toys. I can’t even accept one-quarter of what you gave me.”

“Take it as a loan,” he said, paying attention to the foggy road. “You need it for the doctor and perhaps for the procedure, too.”

He was giving her money for the abortion? Wasn’t that what boyfriends not wanting to take responsibility were supposed to do?

“I have money,” she murmured biting her lip. Of course, her actual money was just her secret stash saved up after dropping out of college. 

“I know.”

His answer and gesture could have been interpreted in so many ways that only to come up with a summary was already giving Anna a terrible headache. Or was it morning sickness? She couldn’t remember how it had been like for her mom and Kaydel, so she wasn’t sure if she was already supposed to feel like that just yet. However, she continued feeling nauseous and dizzy throughout the entire trip, up until she woke up to realise that she hadn’t paid any attention to what the doctor had been saying.

“Please lift your sleeve. I’m going to check your blood pressure.”

She nodded and unbuttoned the sleeve of her black flannel shirt, but her hand stopped on the wristwatch. She hesitated for a moment, then took it off and put it on the doctor’s desk. 

“Are you ok?”

She looked at Elias and whimpered. She shouldn’t have asked him to join her. It was embarrassing and putting too much pressure on their relationship.

“Look, I’ll leave when you’ll get to your… umm… check-up, but I’d rather be here for the sonogram. Ok?”

Anna found no reason to encourage his stubbornness or reject his kindness, so she just went to sit on the bed. The situation was terribly awkward and only his weak knees were keeping Elias from leaving her all alone with the doctor.

“How’s your nausea?”

“I haven’t really paid attention, but today I felt a bit unwell. But my breasts have been kind of swollen.”

“It’s normal. What’s not normal are these numbers. Have you been stressed?”

“Yeah… my… my life has been a mess lately.”

Elias inhaled deeply, feeling his cheeks rather red. There was a reason why he was not an ob-gynaecologist. Not that he hadn’t doubted his residency program many times. He somehow envied Anna for being brave enough to know when to put an end to a poor choice, even just one semester before graduating. He was a doctor only because of his family’s tradition and because he liked the idea of helping people. But Anna had also liked the idea of helping people until a certain point. Though in her case, there were so many other ways she could help and maybe it was not his job to interfere, but he could look up the requirements for a teaching degree and the fees.

“Please lay down.”

He looked at the water bottle from Anna’s bag and grabbed it, accidentally knocking down her watch. He took a sip, then put it back and grabbed the watch off the floor. The cold metal was feeling nice in his palm as he was finally approaching the bed. Anna was avoiding his gaze and was awkwardly pulling down her jeans and lingerie, enough to allow the doctor to pour the ultrasound gel. Once he heard her gasp, he immediately looked at her frightened face and put his hand on her leg, just above the knee.

“There’s a chair there, junior. Pull it and come see the babe.”

Blushing, he listened to the old doctor and sat close enough to grab Anna’s trembling hand while still playing with the watch with his other hand. He brushed his thumb against her skin as a silent comforting reassurance, then looked at the screen.

“Here’s your baby, Miss Anna.”

His eyes followed her terrified face as it kept transforming. She smiled at some point, but her eyes immediately filled up with tears and she licked her lips.

“It’s…” she murmured.

“It’s your baby.”

“It has a head?”

“And arms and legs that are growing and developing,” laughed the doctor.

“It’s not a tadpole?”

“It’s more like a human baby but the size of a blueberry.”

Anna measured with her fingers the estimated size of a blueberry and squeezed Elias’ hand. It was fascinating how something so small was developing so quickly and was going to be a fully human baby in a couple of months.

“Do you want to hear its heartbeat?”

They both gasped and held hands once they heard the thumping sound. The heart of a blueberry perhaps meant to be as fierce as its mommy. Was she going to call it blueberry just like her parents called her mango? Smiling, he looked at her, seeking the same excitement. However, Anna’s gaze was wild and her nails were already hurting him.

“Annie?” he called her and she spasmodically moved her hands to her head.

“Anna,” said the doctor, “I understand that your nervous, but there’s no need to panic. Would you li-”

“Please just go away.”

Elias and the doctor looked at each other until he finally got up and left the room. After all, he was not the father and until just a couple of days before, he and Anna had been only strangers who once knew each other. He had no reason to get involved in that situation, or at least no other reason than a man in love supporting his… She was not his girlfriend. They had never established such a relationship. They were only old friends, who were also in love with each other. 

He squeezed the watch until he finally acknowledged that he had been holding it the entire time and was supposed to return it. He looked at the bulky, yet elegant design and furrowed. He then turned it and looked at the inscription on the back, with his eyes growing wider and his lips parting in a silent exclamation. That was not Anna’s watch and he needn’t her confirmation, because he knew exactly who was the owner.

“I’m so sorry for dragging you here with me and then for kicking you out,” she sniffed after being silent the entire trip back home. But Elias didn’t answer, making her feel even more miserable and guilty. She took off her flats and hugged her knees. There were still at least fifteen minutes left till they reached Shay’s, so she needed to calm down and look fresh. A serene and smiling face was going to get her some tips that would cover some of her family’s daily expenses. The twins had been complaining about not going to the farm since long before the accident and with Bee’s death, they were even grumpier.

“Do you think it would be a good idea to go to the pet shop across Shay’s and get the kids a new kitten? It’s not Bee, but maybe it could help them get over it.”

“I don’t know,” he murmured. “Sometimes, people just need to mourn and not let the wounds heal before filling them with something else.”

Anna snorted at his nonchalant philosophy and took out of her bag her mom’s old diary. She opened at a random page and read the childish words written by an adult. She had no idea how Rey had managed to preserve some of her innocence despite all the tragedy in her life. She often wanted to believe that she still had her innocence. She saw bits of it each time she was knitting or sewing up dolls and things for her siblings or each time she played with them. However, the responsibility was heavy on her shoulder and overshadowing everything else.

“She’s so cheesy,” she chuckled.

“Who?”

“My mom. I wish I were able to love like she did. She had all that love she wanted to share with a large family, but she had no family, so she longed to make one of her own. Meanwhile, I’ve just been considering how killing something so small, the size of a blueberry, wouldn’t make me a murderer.”

Elias slammed on the brakes out of the blue and Anna lifted her head, freezing at both the quick flashback of her accident and at the sight of their surroundings. They were nowhere close to the cafe but in the neighbourhood with the most expensive houses and the biggest yards. The people there were paying her dad lots of money to design their gardens and yards almost every season and to get them some unique furniture pieces designed by him.

“Where are we?” she dared ask once he parked in front of the huge white villa.

“It’s my house. We need to talk somewhere privately.”

“About?”

She followed him out of the car and inside the house. She didn’t have the time to admire Phasma’s taste as Elias started taking off his jacket and throwing his things on the floor.

“Do you want tea or something to eat?”

Eat or drink? She had no time for such a thing. Aunt Rose was going to kill her for asking for a job only to bail on her and the other employees, regardless of her status as the owner’s daughter. Instead, she felt as if she still had enough time to scold Mr Elias Hux for being so messy and erratic.

“What’s going on?”

“Sorry, I’m a bit unwell,” he finally said sitting down and chug a bottle of lemon and raspberry juice. She had drunk some before and it was incredibly sour and probably made for those dealing with hangovers or nausea… which she did. So she took the other bottle and took a sip.

“We need to talk.”

His tone was serious, despite his usual anxiety overwhelming him. Anna sat next to him and put her hand on his.

“Is it because of my pregnancy? Do you want to break up with me?”

It was a surprise to hear herself so calm and poised, but after her meltdown inside the doctor’s office, she was out of tears for the moment.

“Break up?” he furrowed. “Are we a couple?”

“Aren’t we?” she asked, hurt by his question. 

“No. I mean, yeah, we are. I guess we are, but that’s not what I want to talk to you about.”

Anna rolled her eyes and lifted her sleeve to check the time, realising that her watch was missing.

“I have it,” he licked his lips and gave her back her watch. 

“Thanks…” She checked the time and sighed. She was already running late and she couldn’t handle Rose’s disappointed face again and especially after that dreadful morning.

“Where did you get it from?”

Anna lifted her head with a raised eyebrow and shrugged.

“It’s the… I took it from the nightstand after I slept with that man. So the owner of this watch is also the father of the blueberry inside me. Why?”

“Oh my…” he nervously scratched his head, panicking her even more. What did he know that she didn’t?

“Elias?”

He got up and threw the bottle in the trash can, then went to get his phone from his jacket before returning by her side.

“Have you read the inscription on the back?”

Ignoring her anger at his odd behaviour, she turned the watch and looked at the words again. 

Happily Ever After and two dates. She had always assumed that one was a birthday and the other one something like perhaps the date of his marriage, given those suggestive words.

“Yeah. And?” she murmured.

“Do you know whose it is or what those dates mean?”

She rolled her eyes and threw the watch at him, letting him catch it.

“I’ve already told you that I don’t know anything about that man. I was drunk and maybe high. I have no idea what happened.”

“I do and I know who is the owner and your baby’s father.”

Anna almost dropped the glass bottle. She forgot to breathe for a while until she gasped for air and parted his lips. However, Elias stopped her from wasting any energy on pointless questions.

“It’s mine.”

“What?” she blinked.   
“My sister gave it to me as a graduation gift. It’s a stupid pun on my initials. The first date is my birthday and the second one is my graduation day.”

Happily Ever After.

Hux Elias Adrian.

“No, it’s not.” she murmured in an obvious state of shock.

“Anna, listen,” he put his hands over her wrists. “After I broke up with Hannah, I needed some time away and so I took advantage of a conference and came to the big city and got drunk at a party. Next thing I knew, I woke up and it was pretty clear that I had sex with someone and my watch was missing. The girl left behind her mask from the-”

“Elias, please!” she whined already exasperated. “We had a lovely moment yesterday and with us finally being a couple and with my pregnancy, you’re just feeling responsible for something that it’s not your responsibility. I get it that you got emotional when you saw the blueberry and heard its heartbeat, but you’re not the father. And I’m not going it to keep it. Don’t try to change my mind just because you love me and found this paternal side of yours.”

“Anna!”

His fingers clenched around her wrist and she looked at his missing pinky. That night… She did remember hanging out with a group and sneaking into a party. Everyone was wearing masks, so no one noticed the intruders. She ate some fancy food and drank some rather odd flavoured wine and champagne until she found herself asking for cocktails at the bar. Next to her, there was an actual guest, who was equally miserable and drinking whisky after whisky glass.

_ Wouldn’t be easier to just order the entire bottle?  _ she laughed and looked at his hand. He was missing his pinky finger.

“No,” she shook her head. “No!”

“I’m as shocked as you are.”

“No!” she buried her face in her palms. “Maybe you forgot your watch in your bedroom and-”

“Anna, there were bloodstains on the white sheets and the mask was a personalised Dahlia’s Dreams mask with the initials K.C. Kaydel Connix. You said you lived in her old apartment until last week. The hotel was Golden Magnolia and the party was held there.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. She had tried getting information from the front desk, but that hotel was so exclusive that the employees didn’t even look at her. She had assumed for a while that one of her fellow party crashers could have been the man, but they couldn’t have had access to the bedrooms. It must have been an official guest and that guest was Elias Hux.

“We can wait until we can get a DNA test to confirm it, but I’m completely sure that I’m that man and the father of your baby.”

“No need,” she pulled away and got up, heading towards the exit. “I’m going to work.”

“Can you please stay five more minutes?”

He ran after her but she refused to look at him.

“I have to support my family, Elias.”

“Please, Anna!” he insisted. “This is more important than-”

“Don’t!” she lashed at him again. “Don’t you dare! You came back in my life by pure accident and I really thought that this was some fate bullshit and that this time it was going to work but no! Don’t you dare change my mind or have any saying in this just because you gave money. It was a drunken one night stand that none of us truly remembers and wouldn’t have known about it had it not been for that stupid watch!”

She ran her fingers through her hair and licked her lips. He was so hurt and perhaps slightly scared by her behaviour. Perhaps they were adults, legally speaking, but they were also just two stupid kids. Maybe he was saving lives and maybe she was great with the twins, but together? Before, she knew that the poor blueberry had no place in her life, but now… neither the blueberry or she had any place in Elias’ life and family.

“We’re acting like my parents right now,” she mumbled, “with me being selfish and you not being down to earth right now.”

“You didn’t even let me talk. Don’t you think it’s a shock for me, too? All I remember is talking to a masked girl and making out with her at the party and waking up to what I’ve already told you. Don’t you think that I feel guilty? As you said, it was pure accident that we met again. We could have never found out the truth. Maybe this is…” 

She exhaled and looked at his wet eyes and pained face.

“Maybe this is a sign.”

She shook her head again.

“I’m not changing my mind.”

“And I’m not asking you to. I’m just asking you to… I don’t know. Don’t shut me out. You said you considered finding that father and discussing things. Well… I’m here. Let’s discuss things.”

“I can’t have a baby,” she cried feeling the pressure inside her head become intolerable. “I’m a mess.”

“I’m not asking you to keep it, Anna. I just want to be by your side and help you with your decision.”

“I’m  _ not  _ having it! End of story!”

As she turned her back on him and grabbed the doorknob, her vision became blurry. The pressure combined with the nausea was weakening her knees and she was not sure if she was about to throw up or just blackout… 

“And she fainted. So I carried her upstairs and woke her up, but I eventually had to give her something for the blood pressure and she fell asleep.”

Phasma massaged her forehead and let out an exasperated sigh. She was still too young to be the grandmother of another child and too old to have to deal with teenage drama. It had already been emotionally draining and traumatic enough to see him all depressed and beaten up, with his face slashed and one missing finger when he was only twenty. Then he had to deal with that Anna Solo lookalike complain that her fiancee was not paying any attention to her and that he didn’t love her. Now, her son was about to be a father and go back to the whole drama with those people.

“What did you even need the private investigator’s number for?”

“Oh,” he bit the inside of his cheek. “I wanted to help Anna find the baby’s daddy, but it was me the whole time.”

The woman furrowed, feeling that her son was not telling her the whole truth, then rolled her eyes and got up.

“Just promise me that you won’t get yourself involved in anything that might make me bury my son before he turns thirty.”

“I’ll be fine,” he got up and let her hug him. “Not sure about my relationship or baby, though. It’s so weird even saying this word.”

“You want it?”

Did he? Just like Anna was great with her younger siblings, he was an amazing uncle, but a baby was a huge responsibility and she was right. They were basically strangers after almost six years of not talking. And even if his discussion with the private investigator was going to work out or her mom’s surgery was going to be a success, it was not fair to use any of those aspects of her life to force her to do something she didn’t want to.

“I just want her to be happy.” 

Happy was not exactly the word Anna would have used to describe herself once she woke up, but she was feeling a little bit better. She hugged her pillow… no! It was not hers. The fabric was the same but the scent was so much different, from the detergent to the perfume. And her head was heavy. Not heavy to make even the simple act of blinking painful, but heavy enough to keep her from getting up. It was worse than a hangover.

“How are you?”

Elias sat next to her and handed her a cup of tea. It was not one of her mom’s special blends, but it sure smelled nice and it made her sickness less annoying.

“I have no idea how I managed to sleep for so long.”

He helped her get up to drink her tea and was surprised to see her rest her head on his shoulder. He caressed her head, playing with her curls and fighting the mental images of a little child running to him and calling him ‘daddy’. And even though her belly was flat, his hand still slipped between them and gently touched her belly.

“How did we end like this?” she whined. “I was supposed to go visit you and then properly start dating once I started going to college. We were supposed to be happy, Elias, and to love each other. We were supposed to move into the city and get an apartment together until we raised enough money to get a house in this wicked little town, before deciding to get married and have kids. What happened to us?”

He was almost killed because of Maddie’s lies, while her depression caused her to have a car accident which almost killed her mother and probably killed her brother. So what was supposed to be the beginning of their tragedy and pathetic love story? 

“Maybe we should focus more on leaving the past behind? I know everything seems terrible right now, but I think we can get over it, eventually. Especially if you stop yelling at me!”

“I’m angry and miserable, so don’t lecture me on my outbursts. And speaking of lecturing… what ti- No!” She prayed that the vintage alarm clock was broken due to its age, but she knew that her shift had ended long ago and the twins were supposed to be home, fed and with their homework done. “You were supposed to wake me up!”

She got up, although her head, stomach and legs were protesting, then looked around. What was she supposed to do or say? Her parents… her  _ dad  _ must have been announced that no one went to pick up the twins or maybe the poor babes went home on their own and were still waiting for someone to come home and let them inside. But auntie Rose sure announced her dad so she was in huge trouble.

“Your aunt with the bakery called,” he said watching her look for her shoes. “I knew that she already knew, so I told her that you’re sick because of our baby.”

She straightened her back and stared at him.

“Did you mention  _ our  _ baby to Rose?”

“Umm,” he shrugged, “yeah?”

“Why?” she snarled throwing herself on the bed and grabbing him by the shoulders. “If she knows that my blueberry is also yours, she’ll tell Kaydel and Kaydel will no longer support me!”

“Because I’m a Hux?”

“That too, but mostly because she’ll pull some romance card or fate card and without my mom, I really need Kay to support me.” She inhaled and exhaled, then grabbed a pillow and started hitting Elias. “You! You and your dick! Stop laughing!”

“Sorry,” he kept laughing while trying to keep her from accidentally actually hit him. “Look, in my defence, I doubt I knew what I was doing. You’re the only girl I’ve ever slept with.”

Anna stopped and furrowed. His messy hair was so cute and that scar on his face was rather sexy, despite how he got it.

“Aren’t you like twenty-six and weren’t you engaged just two months ago?”

“When you were almost killed and had your life almost ruined because of some false accusation turned accusation _ s _ , trust me that you get some self-esteem issues… and other issues. I never felt comfortable with the idea of sleeping with Hannah and it affected our already fragile relationship.”

Anna’s cheeks turned red and she hid her face behind her palms.

“We’re so stupid,” she sighed. “Anyway, I need to go home.”

“I can take you,” he said pushing her hands to brush his lips against hers.

“Don’t you have more important things to do than babysit me,  _ doctor _ ?”

“You two are my number one priority right now.”

His words made her chuckle but she couldn’t help feeling emotional about his care for her… and for the blueberry.

“May I ask you… You gave me money to have an abortion. If it hadn't been yours, after all, would you have changed your mind?”

“I didn’t give you money for that. I simply wanted to help you because that’s what you wanted and still want. The only difference is that before I was not directly involved and responsible for your condition. It would have been difficult to sort things out but-”

“Shut up,” she smiled throwing her hands around him and kissing him.

***

The Solo home was silent and cosy as usual or at least ever since Rey and James were no longer there. When Anna entered her house, she realised how much she missed being welcomed by a meowing Bee like when she was just a child around the age of her siblings. Those hours spent in Elias’ house had helped her forget about her main responsibilities and worries. But now, seeing the twins make signs for their own personal tiny box gardens and her father with a stack of papers in front of him, it reminded her that they were her priority. It was her fault, after all, and it was not fair to put a blueberry before them, although the look in Elias’ eyes had made her reconsider her decision. Indeed, she had thought about giving the baby to its father, but now that the father was also the man she loved so much, it made her feel cruel and heartless, despite her rightful selfishness.

“Anna!” ran the twins to her. “Auntie Rose came for us. She told us that you were sick.”

“Anna, don’t be sick like mommy or die like Bee,” teared up Holly.

The young woman kneeled before them and hugged them. They smelled so nice and were so soft. She missed their chubby arms and legs and kissing their baby feet and fingers. She missed their toothless smiles and wet kisses. They were big now and they were going to gradually develop interests that would no longer concern her, but their friends. After all, she was only their sister and no matter how much they loved each other or how much she took care of them, they needed their mother.

“Wanna see what we found?”

She took her brother’s hand and she let him take her to the table, where he showed her some baby clothing. Socks, onesies, an adorable sweater and a few dresses.

“They’re ours from when we were tiny.”

“This is Jamie’s,” she murmured taking a dark green onesie with yellow ducks all over it. She looked at her father, who hadn’t even noticed her or at least paid attention to her, then put the onesie back and sniffed. She had cried the entire day and she was now exhausted, even after her nap in Elias’ bedroom.

“Is James not visiting us this weekend either?”

“Holly, Alexander, please take those clothes upstairs and get ready for your baths.”

“Can I go first, daddy?”

Ben nodded without looking at them and exhaled when he heard their footsteps running upstairs.

Anna hesitated in front of her grumpy father, then took out the envelope and the remaining note of 500. The rest of the money was in her wallet and she was going to use it to cover her expenses. She was not yet sure if the expenses included the vitamins for her pregnancy or the fee for the abortion procedure or just the balls of yarn, the thread and the buttons she needed to make more toys, but the rest was for her family.

“Here,” she said putting the money on the table. “Elias paid me for the toys I sold him and I want to help you with the bills.”

“No need,” he said continuing to read his papers. “I already have your unpaid college fee and rent for the past months. You can keep that money to pay for your abortion.”

Of course, the day couldn’t have ended without at least one more blow to the head. She quickly sat down before falling and covered her face. The shock was too big to let her have a proper meltdown. This time, she was unable to speak or react. She just stared at the pencil on the table, feeling as if the entire life was leaving her body.

“I heard you last night,” he finally looked at her. “The problem isn’t that you’re pregnant or that you don’t know who’s the father-”

“It’s Elias,” she said with her voice sounding more like the one of a dying man. “We were drunk and didn’t know that we slept together until the circumstances and clues made us realise that it has been him all along.”

“Fine,” he stopped her with a hand gesture. “Going back to my point. My problem isn’t your pregnancy or the fact that you  _ dropped out  _ of college. My problem is that you hid it from me and lied to me all this time.”

She lowered her gaze and her bottom lip trembled. Her daddy had never scolded her like that before. It was usually her mom’s job to play the bad cop.

“Damn it, Anna Benjamin! I had the worst time in college. I did some pretty illegal stuff with Armitage Hux and when my dad came to get me… Do you know what happened to your grandpa Han?”

She shook her head. She knew all the details about the whole Armitage Hux deal with the kidnapping and him running over grandma Leia, smothering grandma Maz with a pillow, killing her aunt Margaret and being directly responsible for uncle Luke’s death. But grandpa Han? All she knew where stories about his adventures and mischief.

“I was driving the car and I lost control. My father died drowned in the river and I somehow managed to get out. I didn’t go to jail because Luke covered my stupid ass. This is why I’ve never blamed you for the accident. I didn’t blame you for your drinking problem when your mom found out because I knew how it was like to be miserable and lost, but you made me believe that the accident had changed you and that you were better away to college, studying and no longer drinking. You lied to me and it broke my heart to find out that my precious Annie didn’t trust me to tell me that she was not fine. Ok, you wanted to deal with everything on your own, you had your own coping mechanisms, but all the lies, Anna! Why the hell did you take the blame for what Maddie Dameron did?”

She gasped. Now truly everything was exposed.

“Did you know that she was your cousin and you felt sorry for her?”

“Wha-” she furrowed. “She’s uncle Finn’s daughter. Of course I-”

“She’s Kaydel’s.”

“What?” she tilted her head.

“She came to see me today. She told me about what happened to Elias and about what happened during the accident. The  _ real  _ story. Then she told me that Madeleine is her daughter from her relationship with ‘fake me’. You didn’t know?”

“No!” she shook her head desperately. “I took the blame because it was my fault. She offered to drive because I was drunk and mom sick. She crashed the car because I argued with my mom. She didn’t do it on purpose. We distracted her… I-”

“You argued with your mom and became depressed and almost an alcoholic because of her. You protected someone who took care to ruin your life out of spite and who… who pretty much killed James. Our Jamie! Our peach!” he teared up before becoming angry once again. “God, damn it! Poe should have known better! He should have kept that kid away from Kaydel and everyone else.”

Unbeknownst to her, Anna was feeling sorry for Maddie. She had grown up like a princess, but at the same time, she felt like an outsider in their family. Even if she had known the truth, being the result of a pretty much non-consensual relationship with a manic killer… 

_ What have I done?  _ she remembered her shaking hands, wild gaze and desperate face.  _ I killed her, Anna! I killed your mom! I didn’t mean to! Now my dads will truly hate me and send me away like my mom did! _

“No, dad…” she sighed. “Blaming just her wouldn’t be fair. I’m sorry. I should have been honest.”

“You should have because it hurt me finding out that you trusted Kaydel and Rose but not me.”

“No,” she paused. “Kay did for me what uncle Luke did for you. She knew only about the college part. I guess Maddie told her about the accident, although I have no idea why, while the pregnancy… I told her just because I felt she would understand me more as a woman, especially as a woman who had a baby she didn’t want or ask for. And Rose found out by accident.”

Ben tapped his finger and looked at his eldest child then at the baby clothes, which the twins ignored to take upstairs. His baby was going to have a baby.

“I just want so much to be a child again. I miss being small and sleeping with you and mommy in your bed. I miss my cupcake and forcing Bee to dance on my songs.”

They both giggled but the mentions of such a distant past were hurting so much.

“And I want my mommy back and your support. Please tell me what to do.”

“About the…” he waved his hand.

“About the blueberry.”

Ben smiled at the nickname and the similarities between her and her mom.

“Shouldn’t Elias be the one to consult you on this matter?”

“He supports me regardless of my decision, but I know that he wants it.”

“But you don’t.”

“I’ve had my doubts. With everything that had happened and with me drinking… What could I do with a baby? Why even get attached to the idea of motherhood when I risk a miscarriage anyway? If mom dies, you and the twins will need me and with a baby in the house, I couldn’t dedicate myself to you entirely. And if mom survives, she’ll need therapy and rest, not a crying baby and a busy daughter. At some point, you won’t be able to work anymore. I have two other siblings. Even if we keep running the family businesses, I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life and I don’t want my blueberry to be raised by a horrible mother.”

“Worrying about its wellbeing makes you anything but a horrible mother. You’re scared and full of doubts and I completely understand you. But whatever decision you take, it will have its good and bad parts either way. If you want to have an abortion, you won’t feel obliged to do something you don’t want to or raise a kid when you’re not ready to, but knowing you, you’ll question your decision and suffer and maybe one day you’ll have a planned baby and you’ll constantly remember how you chose this one but not the first. But if you keep it, you’ll love it and be even more smothering than you are with your siblings. However, you’ll have to deal with the issues of being a young mother with no diploma, no qualification, no job, no home of your own, no actual savings and an unstable relationship with the father and another unstable home. You could also give it up for adoption or let Elias or his family raise it… even your mom and I, if she recovers, which would allow you more time to focus on your growing up process, maybe college and career, as well as a stable relationship with another man. But at some point, you might regret being so absent and knowing that your blackberry-”

“Blueberry.”

“That your  _ blueberry  _ doesn’t see you as its mother.”

She didn’t want that! Yes, she had considered all those options and her father had thought her to analyse all the advantages and disadvantages since she was a little girl. The fact that she usually chose not to do it… well… that was more her impulsive part inherited from her mom. Her mom… she fell for her since she met her and according to her stories, they had a bond before she was born and taken away from her. She could no longer stand even the mere idea of losing that blueberry. Maybe her relationship with Elias was not going to work out or last, but she was not going to decide the life of her baby based on a man. At least he seemed excited about it.

“So it’s only up to you, but my advice is to-”

“Wait.”

“-wait.”

They smiled and reached for each other’s hand at the same time.

“I might not be able to carry a pregnancy as I don’t have what it needs,” laughed Ben, “but you can count on me. I have experience with four kids.”

“Were you ever afraid?”

“Terrified!” he laughed. “I didn’t know how to take care of James as a baby and the twins were so much to handle. You liked me and I adored you but I met you when you were already three. I didn’t have time to get used to the idea of having a kid. You were just there and you were like a puzzle piece attached to the ones about your mom’s disappearance. I mean, she carried you and knew about you. There’s a different bond between a mother and her child than the one between a father and his child. You made things easier just because you liked me.”

“But will my baby like  _ me _ ? I’m a mess.”

“Well, being a mess is one of those characteristics you got from your entire family, so don’t worry. Your kid will be a mess too. But you’ll work it out.”

“But my baby will be a Hux and Maddie is one and she-”

“And everyone thought the same about Elias too. Your kid will be how you’ll raise it to be. Kaydel felt guilty about the whole thing, but she said that Maddie is her own person. She chose to do those things. She didn’t have the ghost of her biological father whispering to her to those things. Looking back now, no one forced me to get into racing. I was under the influence of my colleagues, but I chose to. You chose to drink and to act like that because it was the way you coped with your anger and later grief, just like I did a couple of times.”

“So my baby risks being a hysterical or at least emotionally unstable mess with a passion for fine wine and perhaps murder?”

“I don’t know, but he sure might inherit our pessimism,” he rolled his eyes and stood up, then helped her get up too. “Let’s see if the pumpkins have already flooded the bathroom.”

“Daddy?” she grabbed his sleeve just like she used to do when she was little.

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

“I know,” he chuckled. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Laura Pausini - Entre Tu Y Mil Mares (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3JoAPJu7ho)


	38. Heard It All Before

“This is our daughter.”

Ben and Rey looked at each other then at the bundle Finn was holding with a proud look on his face. She couldn’t have been older than maybe a month.

“Her name is Madeleine Corrine Dameron. She looks like a madeleine, doesn’t she?”

Rey nodded feeling conflicted. She was unsure if it was the mere shock of seeing her brother being a father out of the blue or the jealousy that he had the chance to take care of the precious bundle of joy, while she- No! There was no time for pettiness or envy.

“Where did you… umm…  _ get  _ her from?”

“We adopted her,” said Poe before Finn had the chance to open his mouth. “Seeing you with your daughter sort of activated that paternal instinct in us and Maddie needed a family, so it was fate bringing us together.”

“And her mother?”

“It’s a distant relative of mine.”

Poe bit the inside of his cheek. It was unlike him to be that nervous, but he was sure that the Solos would take his anxiety as the effect of first-time parenthood. However, he didn’t want Rey or Ben to find similarities that would reveal Maddie’s true heritage. So far, the babe didn’t look like Kaydel at all and according to the photo he found online, she didn’t look like Armitage Hux either. And with Finn and him going back abroad and leaving before Kaydel’s return from her extended trip, no one would get to see Maddie grow up and look like the Hux kids or the Shay girls. Maybe he should have let someone else take her, but the moment he held her, knowing that his very damaged ex-girlfriend didn’t want her, he just imagined himself as her father and it was all he needed. The girl was now his and Finn’s. 

“She’s adorable,” said Rey, approaching them and gently caressing the baby’s hand with her finger. The girl cooed and Rey smiled, suddenly feeling an intense attachment.

“Mommy, baby goat.”

Everyone turned to look at little Anna enter the living room, carrying Bee with one hand and dragging a rag doll with the other one. Her curls were bouncing with each big step as she was trying not to step on her too long sky blue nightgown. Ben picked her up and kissed her on her chubby cheek, showing Poe and Finn what their future would be like.

“What baby goat, love?” Ben asked her as he carefully picked Bee with his other hand before Anna would drop her.

The girl rubbed her eyes and yawned.

“I-I-I dream baby goat. I wa-wanna play baby goat.”

“You want to go to the farm?”

“Yeah,” she smiled and hugged her father, then let go of her dolly and put her hands on his cheeks. “Farm, ok?”

“Yes, but later. Now we’re having guests.”

Annie finally looked at her uncles and waved her hand at them before shying away.

“Anna-Banana, come meet your cousin.”

She lowered her gaze and noticed the baby. Her eyes grew wider and she gasped.

“Baby Heidi?”

“Heidi is Kaydel,” explained Rey, not noticing Poe’s jaw clench. “She promised her a baby doll and we got her one, but she wants the one Kaydel promised her.”

Ben came closer with Anna and Poe quickly analysed the toddler. Except for maybe her nose, she looked mostly like Ben.

“Look, Banana!” said Finn lifting the baby’s head.

“No, banana! Anna mango!”

“Ok,” he laughed at Anna’s feistiness. “She’s your cousin. Her name is Maddie.” 

“Maddie?”

“Yes,” smiled Rey and picked her from Ben’s arms. “Hi, Maddie,” she whispered and Anna imitated her, then Rey lowered her head to kiss her fingers. “Welcome to our family.” 

***

<<no thx>>

_ No, thanks. _

Not even a proper full sentence. Just ‘no thx’ as if he was a guy who didn’t get that the girl he’s texting is not interested. Well… maybe he was that guy. After all, Anna had been avoiding him for almost a full week since the big reveal. Her messages were mostly cold and as short as possible if she even bothered texting him back. Calls were out of the question and he had given up after the first three days of her not picking up. He even tried visiting her but each time she was out or asleep… allegedly. Oh, wait! She did text him first when she very nicely demanded him to stop trying to win her siblings over with gifts. He had only found a stray cat and her three kittens and asked for Mr Solo’s permission to give them to the twins. They were so happy and it made  _ him  _ happy to see them forget about Bee’s death for a moment. He had never once considered using that gift as bribery but, of course, Anna was going to use anything he did as an excuse to shun him.

Elias threw his messenger bag on the backseat and slammed the door. She preferred him as her pathetic prince on a white horse, not as the other half of her problem. And with Mrs Solo’s surgery being days away and with the train arriving in less than an hour, he knew that each gesture he did as her blueberry’s father was going to further dig his grave and push her away from him. 

Fine! If that was what she wanted, then  _ fine _ . He had Mr Solo’s permission to give the twins that cat and her kittens, it was his job to perform that surgery and that train bringing news was the right thing he could do given his knowledge. If she was going to blame him for trying to make everyone like him and to force her to accept him, then that was her problem.

“Elias?”

And that was a problem he would have rather never dealt with in his entire life. Clenching his jaw, he turned around and exhaled, putting on a fake smile. But it was unlike him to be that forgiving and polite, especially when he was so angry and overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the past week.

“I don’t know if you remember me…”

Technically, they had never once met, despite her claims, but he did know who she was. He had searched her online to make sure that he would never accidentally meet her and give her what she needed for more accusations.

“Look, I don’t want to bother you or pretend that everything is fine, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I was selfish and jealous-”

“What the hell do you want from me, Madeleine?”

The now young woman dug her nail in the soft flesh of her finger and bit her lip, avoiding his deathly gaze, but not before noticing the scar on his face and the missing finger. The satisfaction she felt back then when she accused him was nothing compared to the guilt she felt right now. She felt rotten and as if her body was full of maggots eating her from inside out.

“I’m so sorry,” her voice cracked. “It was wrong- No! It was absolutely pure evil what I did to you and if I could go back-”

“You can’t,” he cut her off. “What’s done is done.”

“So do you accept my apology?”

Elias raised an eyebrow then snorted before laughing. Maddie furrowed and felt her eyes fill up with tears. For a moment, she mistook his laughter for plain amusement regarding her worries, but no. He was laughing at her.

“Do I really have ‘idiot’ tattooed on my face?” he lashed out. “Listen,  _ dearie _ , you can do whatever you want but I’m not really the forgiving type. I can accept that you are a victim of circumstances, as well, but I won’t ever forgive you. Do I accept your apology? Maybe. Does this apology change anything? No. The scar on my face is still there, my finger is still missing, the trauma is still very much in here,” he tapped his chest and his forehead, “the past years are still lost time and my reputation and relationship with Anna are impossible to fix. So good for you for acknowledging your fault. Bless your soul, but it’s not my job to forgive you, especially when I have to fix the shit you did.”

He pursed his lips. He didn’t mean it like that. He didn’t  _ have to _ .

“It’s ok,” she nodded. “I get it and I’m not judging you. You’re right not to forgive me and to be angry. I just… I don’t want to be like him.”

Kaydel told him a couple of days ago about her other child, who happened to be his cousin. But sharing the same genes and blood still wasn’t enough to make him forgive her or convince him to consider her part of his family. 

“I didn’t either.”

She blinked and let out a sigh. Were they bonding over the same common fear?

“However,” his eyes darkened, “someone took care to make it seem as if I am like him.”

“But you’re not! Or at least unlike me.”

“I know now,” he lifted his chin. “But when it comes to you… Anything you do is your own problem, dearie. You’re your own person. Using your biological father as an excuse won’t change you or make you less like him. That’s all you.”

“I know,” she sighed, feeling empty and all alone. 

Elias looked at her sad face and at her curls, clenching his fist. Maddie’s curly hair was different than Anna’s wavy hair, but it still reminded him of her. He missed Anna and his longing was slowly getting poisoned by the anger and hatred he felt for Madeleine.

“I need to go now,” he paused and chuckled. “I would take you with me because my trip involves you, somehow, but I’d rather be on my own and eventually never see you again.”

A tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it with the sleeve of her pink suede jacket. 

“Ok,” she sniffed and stretched her arm to shake his hand. “Take care and good luck.”

He looked at her hand and hesitated and the girl knew immediately what it was all about.

“I’m not going to accuse you of anything,” she defended herself. “It’s just a way of letting the past behind even if you can’t accept me as your cousin or forgive me.”

But Elias shook his head and opened his mouth to add something only to be distracted by the rest of her clothes. Except for the pink jacket, she was wearing almost the same clothes Anna had worn a week before when they saw their blueberry and heard its heartbeat. Whether the circumstances of their blueberry’s conception would have been different, had it not been for Madeleine’s lies, it did not matter. He could have died after that beating or killed himself or married Hannah and saved Anna the trauma of going through an unwanted pregnancy, or they could have already been parents had it not been for their breakup. Regardless, that stupid selfish girl and his baby shared more than blood on both the paternal and maternal sides. 

“There’s this group of travellers I am going to meet in half an hour. Anyway, they have a saying that all bad leads to good.”

He looked at her hand again, but instead of rejecting her or shaking it, he pulled Maddie closer, hugged her and caressed her curly hair. The hug lasted maybe ten seconds or less as he stepped back and returned to his car.

“Your mom and sisters are inside.”

She nodded and watched him get in the car and leave. Still digging her nail in her finger, she looked around, then walked towards the cafe. She knew about Kaydel being there before being told by Elias. She actually came to see her and only spoke to her cousin because they happened to be in the parking lot at the same time and felt like that was a moment planned by fate - a now or never moment. But now, she had to go meet Kaydel and talk to her.

“Savez-vous planter les choux?”

“A la mode, a la mode.”

“Savez-vous planter les choux?”

“A la mode de chez nous.”

The girls were alone at a table, playing and singing. They were wearing matching orange dresses with white Peter Pan collars and their hair tied in space buns, like Rey tied hers a couple of time, when she was little, to match Anna’s.

“Hi!” she approached them with a tensed smile. “Where is your mommy? Mrs Kaydel?”

“She is on the phone,” they answered at the same time, making her smile.

The girls resumed their song and clapping as Maddie found herself sitting down and watching them mesmerised. She adored Ernie, but it was so different looking at those girls and knowing that they are her sisters - seeing it on their faces and in their hair.

“You have pretty eyes.”

“And pretty hair.”

“You’re pretty.”

“The most prettiest.”

Maddie blushed and smiled flattered.

“Well, I think you two are the most adorable and pretty girls I have ever met. I’m Maddie, your… umm… cousins’ cousin. My dad is auntie Rey’s brother.”

“So you’re our cousin too?”

She didn’t answer. Technically, she wouldn’t have been, but in fact, she was their half-sister. Darn it! She should have told them that she was a friend of their mother’s, even if that was a lie too.

“Umm… I’m Maddie,” she changed the subject.

“Whoa! I’m Ma _ gg _ ie!” smiled one of the twins taking her hand and shaking it. 

“And I’m Daisy. Our names mean the same thing. It’s a flower.”

“Yeah, we were named after our auntie Margaret and great-granny Margarita. Great-granny died in a fire and auntie died saving auntie Rey.”

Which was not really a lie, but a more… fairytale-ish or superhero-ish way of revealing them that  _ her  _ father killed their aunt. And all their knowledge regarding their great-grandmother was surprising. She heard things about her mom’s family when she was little, but she had no interest in paying attention as she didn’t know back then about being related to them.

“Why did your mommy name you Maddie?”

“I… I have two daddies and no mommy,” she smiled. “I was adopted.”

“She’s like Amina from ballet and Max from swimming, who have two dads,” whispered Maggie.

“But my dad Finn is a famous chef and he named me after madeleines, which are some very tasty cakes. And my dad Poe named me Corrine like your-”

“Mommy!”

“Yes!”

But the girls were not referring to her name. In fact, Kaydel was behind her almost mortified and Maddie could guess that she was considering all the scenarios with her poisoning the twins, kidnapping them or telling them about her mommy planning to leave their daddy for auntie Rose. And she couldn’t yet grasp the idea that she was that monster everyone was seeing in her. 

“My name is Corrine too,” whispered Daisy before jumping to go hug her mom.

“Hey, girls. What are you doing?”

“We were chatting with your friend, mommy. She’s nice.”

“Is she?” raised Kaydel an eyebrow but her smile quickly vanished once she noticed how uncomfortable the poor girl was. She cleared her throat but it didn’t help her come up with anything to say. “Weren’t you supposed to be at school?”

“It’s spring break next week and I left earlier to talk to you about the money.”

“Girls,” she patted the two on the back, “go get some lemonade for Maddie and some mini croissants.”

Madeleine watched her sisters go to the counter with their bunny-shaped purses and chuckled. However, Kaydel didn’t seem to share her good mood.

“You know Elias is here an-”

“We’ve already met. I apologized and he told me that he won’t ever forgive me, but he eventually hugged me.” She said continuing to look at her sisters while they pointed at the bottles, then turned to face her mother. “He’s a good man.”

“Yes. I suppose he and Anna will be great parents too.”

Maddie furrowed and crossed her arms.

“Is this an observation or…”

“She’s pregnant.”

“Oh,” she remained with her lips parted. The news was making her feel… nothing. Maybe some joy that they were able to get over what she had done to them. “That’s great. Anyway, I want you to know that I told my dads everything. However, things didn’t go the way we wanted.” She bit her lip as tears filled up her eyes. “My dads hate me and they didn’t let me finish. I didn’t get to tell them about the money, so I texted them later and emailed them and eventually sent Ernie a message. They are going to send you the money today. Meanwhile, I’m not allowed to even talk to my brother until they get here to set things straight with me. I’m not even sure if they’ll bring Ernesto.”

She paused once the girls arrived, one carrying the bottle of lemonade like a trophy and the other carrying the plate with mini croissants like a golden platter.

“Why is Maddie upset, mommy?”

“Does her tummy hurt?”

“She just misses her brother but she’ll get better.”

“We have brothers too, but they’re with their mommy now.”

“We told mommy to give us a baby brother and even promised to take care of him but she says she’s too old.”

The remark made Maddie smile, while Kaydel rolled her eyes and pinched Daisy’s cheeks.

“That’s true, but don’t call mommy old in public.”

“Maybe you can be our sister!” smiled Maggie all excited. “We need a big sister! Can we adopt her, mommy?”

Kaydel’s jaw dropped for a moment and she looked at Madeleine, remarking once again how much she looked like her younger half-sisters. She had given her up for adoption twenty years ago and yet she returned and bonded with her sisters, almost making her forget about the accident and about the fact that she had to pay for Rey’s surgery in advance. With no money from the Damerons, she had to go back to ask for money from her husband, meaning that her plans had to be postponed for a while or for forever, while there was no guaranty that Rey’s state would improve… and her nephew was still missing and most likely dead. And so she was once again caught in that spiral. It was only an accident, but she caused the drama between Elias and Anna, yet there wouldn’t have been any drama had it not been for that monster and so on. 

“My head hurts,” she said getting up. “We should go now.”

“Where are we going, mommy?”

Kaydel grabbed the girls’ denim jackets and helped them put the jackets on. Rose’s place was so much closer but she couldn’t ask her or Esra to take care of them anymore. She didn’t want to take advantage of them in the wake of an imminent forced reconciliation.

“We’re going home now but I’ll call Miss Pascal to come to take care of you while daddy is away and mommy takes care of auntie Rey. Ok?”

“And Maddie?”

Kaydel looked at the girl and reminded herself that she owned her nothing. Unlike her adoptive parents, Finn and Poe had offered her both comfort and love and had treated her like a princess. Anything wrong in her life was caused by her own actions. However… 

“Do you need a ride to the hotel?”

The girl blinked and pursed her lips, lowering her gaze.

“No… I drove here. Though, I don’t have much gas left and my dads froze my credit cards and their usual suite at the hotel is not available for me right now. I’m pretty much penniless and homeless.”

“So what on earth are you planning to do?” she snorted. “You said you want to stay here until next week.”

“I have some jewellery I can sell,” the girl shrugged. “And I have a merit scholarship, so I should get some money soon. Besides, I still hope my dads will forgive me.”

“And if they won’t?”

She hadn’t really considered that strain to be permanent. Somehow, she was naive and very foolish in a dangerous way. She had never considered the consequences of her actions and maybe being spoiled was not that good for her behaviour, after all. Her world was crumbling and it was her fault, yet she was still refusing to accept it. So she shrugged again and her mother rolled her eyes before sighing.

“You’re so… You know what? I think Miss Pascal is busy and the girls need someone to take care of them these days, so why don’t you come stay with us?”

Madeleine furrowed but her sisters started jumping and cheering.

“Yes, mommy!”

“Say yes, Maddie!”

“You can sleep in my bed!”

“And I’ll give you my doll!”

“Pleeease?”

“Are you sure?” she asked feeling an odd pressure on her chest. “I didn’t ask for help and I don’t want you to fee-”

“Take it or leave it, Madeleine. I’m not begging you to accept a place to stay. If you want, I can buy some of your jewellery and be done with this.”

She looked at her sisters. They didn’t understand much of what was going on but they were waiting for her to spend those couple of days with her. Maybe she and her mother didn’t really like each other, but they wanted her.

“Ok, then. Thank you.”

***

_ Dear Anna, _

_ This might surprise you, but when you were eight years old, you told me how much you loved cards, so instead of an actual letter, I am writing to you this card. Throughout the years, I’ve written many letters and notes in my diaries and now I’m also going to have those rewritten as cards, just for you. I don’t know how old you are right now as you’re reading this. Perhaps you’re still seventeen or maybe older. Perhaps you’re reading this after my funeral or perhaps it’s been years since I’ve died and you’re now about to be a mother and you’re scared. The idea is that I am no longer with you, physically, and maybe the afterlife is not really what I have imagined and I can’t be with you in spirit either. So I left you all these cards for you to know that when you’re down or miss me, you have a way of finding me. I could record myself but I don’t want you to remember my voice so weak and emotional, nor to forever see me like this cancer victim. I want you to focus on yourself and just remember me and my voice like when I used to sing to you and you would fall asleep in my arms, just like I see only my three-year-old mango when I look at you, even as a grown-up. The images on the cards are meant to give you a hint about what I’m going to tell you. So pick wisely and always know that even though I missed your first years and I might miss the rest of your life, your mommy Rey will never want you to be alone. _

_ I love you, mango! _

_ Mommy _

Anna put down the card and finally exhaled after holding her breath the entire time she read her beloved mommy’s words. She actually thought that she wouldn’t make it and left that carved hand-painted wooden box full of cards for her. Of course, she did survive and got rid of cancer, but despite her good mood, she truly believed that she wouldn’t get to see her anymore. Her or any of her other children or husband, given the diaries written for the twins and Jamie and the stack of letters written for Ben. There were other letters addressed to Kaydel, Rose, Finn and even Poe and she wanted to open all of them and go deeper into her mom’s mind and heart, but reading them would have meant accepting her death and she couldn’t do it just yet. Not until the surgery.

However, she needed something. It was like a chocolate craving during a diet. She looked at the pretty images on the card until she found the one with a baby on it and opened it.

_ Dear Anna, _

_ My baby mango is finally having her own baby! It’s so weird to know that you’re already old enough to have your own family. I’m sure you’re terrified and asking yourself if you’re doing the right thing or if you’ll be a good mom. The thing is, my love, that it will never be fully right or fully good. I hope your dad, aunties and uncles are there to help you through this journey. You see… I thought that I would be able to do it all by myself. I was so convinced that in case your dad was at some point no longer willing to deal with my drama, I was going to be a great mom without anyone’s help. And, to be honest, perhaps I could have dealt with motherhood on my own, but they sure helped me and made my job easier. It’s so strange at first when you have to accept the idea that something is growing inside you and that even something the size of a pea can mean so much and become an actual baby you’ll see yourself in. When you were in my womb, you were so active and I somehow already knew you’d inherit your dad’s gorgeous hair and those ancient dark eyes of his. What I had never expected was for you to be so much like everyone in our families. So to save yourself from the shock of not knowing what to expect from your baby, just imagine a collage of features from everyone in our family. Did you know that you inherited the passion for sewing and knitting not from me, but from my granny Margarita? I don’t even remember her, but after all the digging aunt ‘Heidi’ did, we know that she was an amazing seamstress and she used to make us dresses and toys. There isn’t much space left, but you’ll find more notes here. Just remember that you’ve always been a great sister to your siblings. Motherhood is natural. _

_ Wipe your tears and take a breath! _

_ Mommy _

_ P.S.: Promise me you’ll never name your kid ‘Rey’. _

“What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s from mommy.”

Anna put back the card and pushed the box back to its original resting place. Little Holly sat next to her and looked at the stashes of letters as if knowing exactly that one was for her sister and which one was hers. Pursing her lips, she grabbed her own stack and untied the ribbon.

“Which one I should read?”

“Do you want to read any letter or one in particular?”

“Mmm… I want this one,” she picked a letter and opened it. “Dear Holly… As my miracle baby, you were my chance at finally getting to have a precious daughter to raise and take care of, as you might know by now that your sister was taken away from me when she was only a few seconds old. Your name was supposed to be Alice, but your daddy and I felt like it was right to let Anna choose your name. So you became Holly, the name your older sister was given by the other kids at the orphanage for liking Holly Hobbie so much. And it somehow suited you. You are kind and with a sense of justice like your older sister. If you are wondering why I keep mentioning her is because I suppose that by now I must also be gone and she, like the goose she is, has already taken over the mommy role.” 

Young Holly exhaled and turned to face her sister, who had tried to take the letter away from her since she finished reading the first sentence.

“What does this mean? Is mommy dead like Bee?”

“No, my love,” she cupped the little girl’s face. “She wrote the letter for you to read it when you’ll be older.”

“But mommy is sick,” she cried.

“I know, but she’ll be fine!”

She didn’t believe her own words. 

“I don’t want another mommy, Anna! Not you, not auntie Kay, not anyone. I want  _ my  _ mommy! Daddy can braid my hair but only mommy can make me the perfect buns! We need her and daddy needs her and I-I-I-”

“My friend will help her wake up and then-”

“You’re saying this only because he’s your boyfriend and because you’re going to have his baby!”

Anna’s jaw dropped and she furrowed.

“How do  _ you  _ know this?”

“I heard you saying it.”

Of course! Everyone knew everything by eavesdropping! Was she supposed to start writing letters like her mom, not that someone wouldn’t feel entitled to read those too? Or perhaps she was supposed to simply whisper everything in a tightly sealed room.

“Anna, where is James?”

She wasn’t yet eight years old but that girl with her eyes identical to their mother’s was too clever for her own good. Was the news about James’ death going to affect her less given that she was already upset or cause her a complete meltdown? If she knew, then Alexander had to know as well and, considering his personality, she was afraid of a potentially destructive behaviour kicking in. They were so similar, after all.

“Wait a minute!” she patted her on her back once the doorbell rang, then she got up and ran downstairs, picking Mouse, one of their new cat’s kittens, as he was wandering around the hallway. Good with kids? Rey had never had to go through that drama. Maybe she used to throw some tantrums, but her fear of abandonment was nothing compared to Holly’s sudden change of mood. She didn’t want to ever see her angry again, because it was more than obvious that no matter how calm she remained, she wasn’t able to manage any of those moments. So goodbye, plans of taking over her mom’s role in the family.

“Hey,” she found herself saying with a serene smile after she opened the door. It had been days since she started ignoring and quite mistreating Elias, but now that he was in front of her, her knees were weak and all she wanted to was hug him and cuddle. Because they never had the chance to actually cuddle. They simply jumped to the baby part.

“Hey…” he gulped. “Is your dad home?”

She had been a fool to believe that her terrible treatment and constant cold shoulder, as well as the rather harsh words, were not going to have any consequences. Her fear and trauma had swallowed her like an alligator and she had done nothing to avoid it. In fact, she quite enjoyed it - it was like burying her head in the sand. Of course, her anxiety could never excuse her behaviour.

“Yeah,” she said looking at his lips and realising that her epiphany had been nothing but a lie. She did love him after all and it was not a mere crush revived out of loneliness. “Umm,” she cleared her throat, “can we talk for a moment?”

“Not now,” he looked behind her, at the open greenhouse door. “Please call Mr Ben.”

Was he ignoring her?

“I won’t until you talk to me!” she snapped grabbing his arm.

“Oh, excuse me,” he snarled. “I didn’t realise that you were suddenly talking to me after ignoring me and telling your seven-year-old brother that you won’t ever talk to me or see me again.”

Anna put her hand on a startled Mouse, scratching him behind his ears. They were scaring a poor kitten. How were they going to co-parent?

“Well if only you gave me the chance to  _ talk  _ to you.”

“About how you want me to just vanish and let you pretend that we’ve never met? No need.”

“Elias, stop being a jerk and just listen to me!”

“ _ I _ ’m the jerk for trying to take care of you and the baby, while you ignore me and avoid me?”

The young woman rolled her eyes and shrugged.

“Well… I’ve been…  _ moody _ . I needed some time to think and-”

“And good for you for excluding me in the worst way ever.”

“Elias!” she got closer and put her hand on his cheek. He finally exhaled, letting that anger and frustration simmer down.

“You’re pale… and a bit green,” he remarked.

She was about to mention her nausea and dizziness when she suddenly recognized the odd perfume mixed with his cologne. It was not as if only one person could wear that perfume, but it was such a distinctive aspect of hers, that it was more than obvious to whom it belonged.

“You smell like Madeleine.”

“We’ve met.”

“And you got out alive?”

He couldn’t help not smirking at her mean joke and she smiled back.

“I mis- must talk to your dad. Please.”

Anna sighed and turned around. Ben had been working with Alex in the greenhouse all afternoon and now that the sun was setting, they were about to finish their work and get ready for dinner anyway.

“You have a guest,” she told her father as he put down a lemon tree.

“Should I be worried?” he chuckled, though, given the past year, he sure had reasons to be worried all the time. But Anna shrugged nonchalantly and so he took off his gloves and left the greenhouse to meet his guest. Once far from his son and daughter, Anna narrowed her eyes at her brother.

“What have you been telling Elias, mister?”

“Nothing?” he grinned and his sister shook her head.

“Take Mouse to Blue and Oreo. “

“Have you washed their blanket?”

“Yeah,” she murmured rather more annoyed at Elias and her father for keeping secrets and conspiring behind her back than at Alexander’s nosiness. “It’s in the basket in the bathroom. Take some food from the new bag and give it to Honey. The vet said it’s good for her and the kittens.”

“Oook,” sang the boy as he slid on the shiny floor.

She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, listening to his footsteps followed by Holly’s, as she was coming downstairs. Poor girl probably got tired of waiting for her and her lame excuses, among all those letters, cards and boxes full of memories. She opened her mouth to call for her but she only jumped startled when Holly squeaked all excited. She watched her clap her hands and jump, before running to someone at the front door. That was odd. She doubted that her excitement had anything to do with their father, aunts or cousins, whereas despite being grateful for the gift Elias gave them, it was unlike Holly to react like that towards a stranger. Of course, unless he was going to bribe her baby siblings with some other gift. She headed towards the open sliding doors only to be startled by an even more excited Alexander. 

“You came!” he said before running in the same direction Holly did.

“Be careful,” she heard Elias’ voice. “He’s been through a lot.”

_ What on earth? _ she mumbled to herself, preparing herself to finally tell Elias a couple of things to his face. She was not going to tolerate being pressured and all that love she had for him was not going to blind her-

“Hey…”

She didn’t process the voice saluting her. She looked at her father, whose cheeks were red and wet, then at Elias standing by the door, as if waiting to get out as soon as possible. Then she followed his gaze and looked at Alexander and Holly hugging the one who had just saluted her. His hair was short enough to suggest that his head was shaved recently and all because of that ugly scar, while his face was puffy despite his body being unnaturally skinny. It was a surprise that he was even able to carry himself using those improvised wooden crutches.

“Mango,” he spoke with difficulty.

“Peach,” she whispered unsure whether it was a cruel dream or an act of mercy from fate. “You’re alive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: Meiko - Heard It All Before (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fE54_76MroY)


	39. All those pretty lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter is almost finished with 11 pages already written and I promise that chapter 40 will be the last one for good. I had a mixture of writer's block and an explosion of ideas and ended up rewriting these last chapters too many times that I sort of got bored of the story, which I've always been afraid of.

“Why are you so selfish?”

Ben put down his cup of tea and continued ignoring her. She was adorable with her chubby cheeks and that growing melon. But her beauty and her attitude were like day and night.

“We should have discussed this as a couple,” she continued, “but instead you conspired with my sister and you put me on the spot!”

“Are you done?” he finally said when Rey stopped to take a breath to calm down a bit. The anger was not good for the baby. She caressed her swollen belly and lowered her gaze in another attempt to calm down.

“I need you,” she said sitting down in front of him. “Why don’t you want us to-”

“Rey,” he massaged his forehead, already exasperated, “I refuse to have this conversation if you keep doing this. Don’t insist because I won’t change my mind. It’s what I want to do.”

But Rey crossed her arms, making herself seem as immature as their daughter could be during one of her tantrums.

“You’re being ridiculous,” he sighed and got up to wash his now empty cup.

“Why? Because I want us to be family?”

“Because you’re trying to  _ manipulate  _ me with things that have nothing to do with me starting my own business when you already know that it won’t work.”

He returned by her side and put his hand over hers.

“I  _ really  _ want this, Rey! I finally found something I’m good at.”

“You’re good at helping run my business.”

“Exactly.  _ Your  _ business, the one you’ve had since you were in Maz’s care and which I  _ supported  _ you to develop it. I was always only meant to help you, my love. But I’m turning forty and you were on  _ Top 30 under 30 _ with your franchise. I think I deserve to do something that it’s not about only money and helping you, especially now that you have Kaydel helping you and actual employees. Can’t I get at least one word of encouragement?”

“No,” she pulled her hand. “I’m pregnant and terrified, our daughter is moody and instead of relying on you to take over my responsibilities, you simply decide to go on your own way. Honestly, I feel like this is your way of showing that you’re not ready to be a father.”

Ben raised an eyebrow and snorted.

“I’ve been a father for the past five years.”

“But you got to meet Anna only as a toddler. Don’t try to lie to me and tell me that you’re prepared to take care of a baby. Week after week you only grow colder and I feel like this is the last straw.”

“You’re right,” he nodded. “It is.”

She blinked frustrated at his apathy. He was no longer trying to convince her how much he loved her and he didn’t want to even consider giving up on his plans. Was planting trees and refurbishing furniture more important than her?

“I think you need some time alone.”

“Then leave!” she snapped. “I’m not going to beg you either, Ben. I’ve told you last time. I can raise my daughter on my own and if you want to be part of her life and this baby’s life, then you’re more than welcome. But I refuse to be disconsidered by you. You don’t respect me at all!”

“Really? You’re talking about respect? You, the one who wants me to bake pretzels and calculate taxes just to have me there, holding your hand while you’re living your dream?”

“And what? Do you really think that our tiny greenhouse and the dollhouse you made for Anna are really a basis for a business? Do you really think that people are just going to crowd in front of Luke’s old house and beg you for apricot trees and freaking  _ benches _ ?”

“Oh, excuse me. Need I remind you of the times when my mother was pretty much your only client and that I’m the reason you opened your bakery in the first place?”

“People can go to IKEA, Ben!”

“People can go to the supermarket, Rey! Don’t make my passion less important than yours just because you’ve been baking since you were a kid!” he took a deep breath and continued. “I really think I’m good and I want people to enjoy my ideas and creations just like  _ you _ , Anna and everyone else does. Am I that bad, after all? Tell me!”

“You’re talented, Ben,” she sighed rolling her eyes, “but you’re not-you have no chance to succeed. I don’t want you to get hurt. Pastries and cakes? I’ve worked so hard to trump over the other bakeries and to make a name and you know it. Everyone needs a snack or celebrates a birthday. Some people are too cheap to pay an actual catering firm to provide food for smaller parties, so they found me. But what you want… as I said, IKEA is cheaper and few people are interested in investing in a nice garden. Why pay someone to plant and then take care of trees when they can get some topiaries? What about those living in flats or houses with simple lawns? It’s a waste of time, Ben, and I don’t want you to get your hopes high only to fail and lose money during a time I won’t be able to work.”

He clenched his jaw and exhaled loudly, before shrugging.

“Ok. Fine.”

“So you’re going to keep working for- _ with _ me?”

“Oh, no,” he laughed bitterly. “I’m officially resigning. I was intending to keep helping you at least part-time, but now, I honestly don’t want to be part of this anymore. Keep your precious business, Rey. I’d rather go back to my old boring job than be humiliated like this.”

“You’re being pathetic,” she laughed, then gasped and covered her mouth. Over ten years of relationship and she still knew nothing about keeping her mouth shut at the right time.

“Oh, Ben, I’m so sorry! Please, I-”

“You meant it,” he got up with a disappointed look on his face. “You always mean everything you say when you’re angry, even if it’s for the moment. I know you best, Rey. Too bad you don’t know me anymore and you don’t even try to.”

Ben got out of the kitchen and Rey quickly followed him to the stairs. Her mind analysed every possibility of her getting hurt in case she got too close until remaining where she was turned out to be the best idea. She needn’t a fall down the stairs and endangering her baby peach. She wasn’t going to let anyone, not even herself, hurt that baby boy.

“When did you stop loving me?” she whined and Ben turned to face her. Of course, his face was not caring or compassionate at all. He was bored and done, just like he was that night when they almost got a divorce after finding him with Kaydel.

“Don’t,” he snarled.

“Just a couple of months ago you were making love to me and we were painting the nursery together. Is it because I’m old, fat and disgusting now?”

Normally, he would have laughed, grabbed her face and pulled her closer for a kiss, but this time, not even her tears were impressing him anymore. 

“Daddy? Mommy?”

Anna’s voice reminded them of the late hour and that their whispers had turned into yelling, inevitably waking up their daughter. Rey didn’t want Annie to see her like that - with her face red and already wet from the tears streaming down, against her will… and only wearing that tank top revealing her big secret. Anna finding out about the baby was going to be a huge mess, especially if not revealed properly.

“I’m coming, baby!” said Ben as soon as they heard the sound of her slippers reach her bedroom door, then spoke to her on a lower voice. “You said I’m the selfish one, Rey? Well too bad because I’m fine with it. However, I’m not fine with  _ your  _ selfishness being greater than the love I have for you.”

She was taken aback by his words and tried to provoke him one last time.

“Then leave!”

He straightened his back and looked at her with arrogance.

“After I put my daughter back to bed, I will.”

“You don’t mean it and I won’t be bullied-”

“Watch me!”

He was actually leaving. He no longer headed towards Annie’s bedroom, instead, coming downstairs. Rey hoped one last time that the was going to grab her and kiss her, then apologize by taking her upstairs and snuggle with her, while caressing her belly and talking to baby Jamie. But Ben only grabbed his coat and keys and stormed outside, in his slippers.

“Don’t go,” she murmured.

***

_ My mommy is a ray of sun. I say ray of sun because her name is Rey. This poem is for her. _

“Anna was so small!” gasped Holly.

“She was almost five there,” chuckled Ben, pointing at the screen. “You should see James’ first kindergarten day. He was so scared and grumpy and refused to sing or say anything.”

He swiped for the next video, revealing a little over three-year-old James in green overalls, white shirt, black cardigan and bowtie. The teacher was trying to convince him to smile to the camera and sing but with each word, the boy was frowning and pouting even harder, being one step away from hiding under the mushroom-shaped table. Not that the current James was any different. 

“He should have his head wound checked. And I think some of his broken bones haven’t healed properly.”

Anna took her eyes away from her siblings and father and smiled faintly.

“Shouldn’t we take him to the hospital right now?”

“He needs to adapt a little bit, to know that he has the love and support he was deprived of these past months.”

The young woman licked her front teeth and looked once more at James’ scars. According to Elias, he was found by the travellers right before their departure. They took care of him, but given how they never used technology and how James condition had been pretty bad, no one knew who he was. But now he was pampered and occasionally gazing at his belongings, either with nostalgia or with curiosity.

“How did you find him?”

“I didn’t really,” he shrugged. “I spoke to a private investigator and he was meant to find your mystery man, but we had already found out that it was me, so I just asked him to find the travellers. They were camping by the river bank when you had the accident. I didn’t actually expect them to have your brother. I was honestly ready for them to tell me that they did find him, but buried him somewhere close by.”

Truth be told, he still felt like a phantasm or imposter. Was that what her father felt when her mom came back all changed?

“I should be there,” she confessed taking a few steps back to reach her bedroom, “but I don’t really feel like I belong anymore.”

“Mom al-live?” she heard James ask.

“What if this is a sign that mom is not going to survive?” she hugged her knees once she threw herself on the bed. Elias followed her and sat next to her as the sunset was turning into twilight.

“Why are you saying this?”

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “It’s just that things are getting better and each time I am happy, something bad happened.”

When Elias said nothing, she continued.

“My dad found out about my pregnancy last time.”

Elias’ eyes grew wider and she could have sworn that he was blushing, even though it was difficult to notice any changes on his face.

“You didn’t know?”

“He never said anything,” he blabbered. “How come he hasn’t tried to strangle me yet?”

“He likes you-”

“Unlike you.”

“-and he has had other things to worry about. Wait, what?”

Oh, he was still upset. She bit her bottom lip and carefully put her hand over his. Gladly, he didn’t reject her touch but considering how his eyes were trying to distinguish the shapes on her wall, she wasn’t truly sure whether he was indeed paying attention to her. But for him, it was odd being in her bedroom, such an intimate space, especially as he was finally realizing how little he knew about her. He knew almost everything about her family drama, but only because their families had been intertwined by tragedy. In what concerned the rest… he couldn’t say that he knew her favourite colour or food. They had one official date many years prior and one accidental drunken nightstand and that was all.

“I’m really sorry about how I’ve been treating you. I was getting cold feet.”

His eyes lingered on a collage of family photos and took a look at what seemed Anna’s birthdays, her riding ponies and horses, her with her siblings as babies, her at graduation… He really didn’t know her at all.

“No need to explain anything,” he avoided her. “You fell for a memory, a teen romance… a knight that would save you. I ended up disappointing you by being the cause of your problem. You can’t be with me no matter what decision you take. You’ll always blame me for the abortion or for forcing you to have a child you never wanted.”

“You’re right,” she admitted. “And I’ve been treating you like this because I am not ready. I want so badly to still be a child and I know I’m vulnerable right now. I got scared of more responsibilities and of changing my life completely for you and for the baby, as well as leaving my family behind.”

“So your brother was right?” he asked picking a medal lying on the bed, next to a brochure for an obstetrician's office - a different one than the one they had visited.

“Yeah, I wanted to break up with you and eventually have an abortion without you knowing, but…”

“But?”

“I love you,” her face lightened up. “All I want is to be with you... and I sort of got used to the blueberry. My sister was yelling at me right before you came and she was telling me how I could never replace mom and she was right. I’ve tried imagining how it would be like to have my own baby and it’s a different type of love. I know I could love this baby.”

She stopped to giggle and she cupped her cheeks.

“I’m so curious how it’s going to look like and I have a list of names.”

But Elias was not sharing her sudden excitement. He was getting cold feet.

“So are we keeping it? No. Actually, what exactly are we going to do? Co-parent? I was planning on asking you to give it to me in case you didn’t want it and wanted us to break up, but I’m-”

“I can sense the cold feet in your voice too,” she chuckled. “I haven’t really decided. Maybe it’s cruel, but I was thinking about waiting until the last minute.”

Elias put down the brochure and picked another one, looking at it nonchalantly. With the room getting darker, he barely distinguished the words, but once his mind processed the words written on it, his eyes grew wider and he smiled.

“Are you planning to become a teacher, after all?” he changed the subject.

“Oh,” she shrugged. “I guess. I’ve been thinking about what you told me and I looked up some programmes. This one allows taking only online courses for the theoretical part and then I would need to go there to take the exams and then prepare a huge practice portfolio with lesson plans and feedback and… stuff. I’m not yet decided but maybe after the baby is born… I mean… if we’re keeping it. Anyway, I think it wouldn’t bother me to work at the cafe for a while. My cousin Esra is taking online courses and she works as a baker and she’s in a wheelchair. And I could also knit and sell my toys online. Maybe even make some clothes for babies and toddlers or accessories?”

Now that she was filling up with good energy, he was gradually relaxing, too.

“Are you ok?”

“I’ve had a rough day, I guess,” he sighed and checked the time on his phone, “and I should probably go home and let you rest, as well.”

“Stay,” she said blushing. “Please?”

“Don’t you want to spend the night with your family?”

“As the father of my baby, you’re my family too and I would very much like you to hold me tonight.”

“I,” he smiled visibly touched by her words, “I think I would love to, but won’t your dad disagree?”

“I’m already pregnant,” she rolled her eyes, making herself more comfortable. “If he didn’t kill you by now, you’re safe. Besides, we’re only… cuddling and sleeping.”

“Cuddling and sleeping,” he chuckled.

“And also offering each other the support we need for the upcoming surgery.”

He nodded and laid down next to her, letting her cuddle at his chest.

“Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but I am terrified of it,” he uttered, squeezing her in his arms. “I guess it would be at least a bit easier if she weren’t your mom and if our families didn’t have all this history together.”

“If it’s helping you, I want you to know that no matter what, you’ll be the one who tried to save her. Even if she dies.”

He rubbed his eyes and smiled. He doubted it, but it did feel nice having her support.

“Hey, Anna… what’s your favourite colour?”

“What?” she snorted.

“I was about to marry Hannah, but I knew nothing about her and that was one of the reasons why I couldn’t do it.”

“But you  _ do  _ know me,” she lifted her head to look at him, wishing he would kiss her. “My favourite colour is lilac and in case you were also wondering, my favourite fruit is not mango, but passionfruit.”

“I like turquoise and tangerines.”

“I know,” she giggled. “And you’re good at volleyball.”

“Should I get worried? Because I don’t remember telling you any of these things.”

“After you ghosted me, Esra felt the urge to tell me random details about you.”

“Adorable. So what else do I like?”

Anna pursed her lips, carefully listening to the cheerful voices of her family members.

“Me,” she sighed dramatically. “I think you like me.”

Elias licked her lips and gently put two fingers under her chin, brushing his lips against hers.

“Great, because I think you like me too.”

***

“Girls!” smiled Kaydel running into her daughters’ bedroom. The twins had pushed their beds together and now Madeleine, wearing her pyjamas, sat between them and was reading them a story. The three looked at her, waiting for the excitement to simmer down and to let her talk.

“Guess who came back?”

“Daddy?” asked Daisy, braiding Madeleine’s hair.

Kaydel shook her head, impatiently, then clapped with excitement.

“No, your cousin James!”

“Whoa!”

“I missed him!”

“I missed him more!”

“Is he really back?”

Unlike her sisters, Madeleine wasn’t exactly excited, but shocked. After all, she was the reason why he had been gone for so long. But what exactly was she afraid of? James’ return and Rey’s recovery - the last time she visited Rey, she could have sworn that she saw her fingers move - were going to make her more redeemable in her fathers’ eyes.

“Yeah,” nodded Kaydel with a sigh. “Can you come with me?”

“Are you having  _ secrets _ ?” giggled Maggie, while Madeleine was getting out of the bed with only half of her hair braided.

“Mind your business, you two!”

The woman closed the door behind her and invited her estranged daughter in the kitchen, where there were still traces of their little experiments. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked tensed.

“I talked to your dads,” she mumbled after stepping on an eggshell.

“Oh,” she murmured with sadness. 

“They still love you and they will always do, but they’re disappointed. You lied and hid things and you hurt people.”

“I know.”

“Elias found Jamie and he’s not in the best condition, but he is doing ok. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Elias suffered a lot, Jamie almost died, Rey too and still might, Anna is a wreck even though she doesn’t want to admit it and Alex and Holly don’t remember that incident with the hot water, but they still have some scars left. The idea is, Maddie… You can’t go on doing this. You need to own your mistakes.”

“I  _ know  _ and I’m trying. Going to therapy has helped me a lot with my anger issues and the jealousy, but I was a kid back then and you said it yourself that the accident was just an accident. I swear I’m not like that anymore. I apologized to Elias and…” she stopped and sniffed, feeling overwhelmed by the emotions. “I’m not like him. I  _ don’t  _ want to be like him!” she cried. “I miss my dads and Ernie and I just want to be with them and to know that they don’t hate me. They are my only family.”

Kaydel pursed her lips and crossed her arms, fighting the urge to touch her adorable curly hair. She could have been different, had she not given her up for ado- No!

“Listen, I don’t regret giving you up for adoption and I know that it’s not the blood in our veins that makes a family, but I want you to know that you can count on me.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” she reminded her of her own words.

“I owe you the right to know that I do care about you and I do love you.”

The girl lifted her head and wiped her tears.

“Why?”

_ Why? _

Because Poe sent her photos and she saw how fragile and innocent she was as a baby and how much she looked like her half-sisters. Because she was occasionally weak and she was one of her few weaknesses.

“Because I can’t help it.”

She saw the signs - the hesitation and the movement of her fingers. Was it safe to let her get so close? She couldn’t stand breaking the girl’s heart, but, at the same time, she still couldn’t offer what she needed.

“But I’m not a forgiving person either,” she gulped. “My trust can be broken only once.”

The girl threw her arms around her mother and hugged her tightly, still sobbing.

“Thank you,” she whispered and Kaydel realised that the affection she felt for that poor child was stronger and more important than her own trauma and wounds from the past. “I promise I’ll talk to aunt Rey when she’ll get better.”

When? It was nice that she was so positive. The surgery was only a few days away and she was only starting to see the situation as a matter of ‘if’. 

“Kiki?”

She jumped startled and let go of her daughter, then looked at the tall figure standing by the kitchen countertop. She hadn’t heard the door and he was supposed to be away for a few days, maybe until next week. What was worse was that he had his apprentice with him

“Hey,” she exhaled, tensed. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he came closer and cupped her cheeks. “Is it your sister?”

“No,” she blushed, avoiding his sweet gaze. She wasn’t supposed to feel like that. The fact that the money for Rey’s surgery was keeping her still stuck in that marriage wasn’t going to change her feelings for Rose. But it seemed that she couldn’t deny the embers of her love for him either.

“Umm… this is my-”

“I’m Madeleine Dameron,” she smiled cordially.

“I remember you,” he said looking at her and then at his wife. The resemblance between the girl and their daughters was uncanny. “Anyway, I need to give Lucien some files and I’ll go take a shower and go to bed.”

“Rafael, wait,” she grabbed his hand before catching a glimpse at Maddie and her husband’s apprentice making eyes at each other. “Can we talk?”

“Sure,” he smiled, then leaned in to kiss her cheek, using the opportunity to whisper in her ear. “She’s your kid, isn’t she?” With his wife’s panicked face being more than sufficient for a confirmation, Rafael caressed her head and kissed her forehead. “Twenty minutes, ok?”

  
  


***

“Mommy! Juno steal my dolly!”

Rey crossed her arms and stomped her feet as her mom shook her head while struggling with a weeping baby Margaret.

“You can take mine,” said Kaydel, jumping the rope while watching Juno chewing on poor Rey’s doll. Grandma Margarita was going to repair it or make a new one for Rey after finishing sewing up their baby sister’s favourite toy elephant.

“I wanna  _ mine _ !” continued Rey with her temper tantrum and threw herself over the giant dog, pulling its ears. “Why you not play with me but steal my dolly?”

“She’s going to bite you, love! Ugh… Caiden, please come get Maggie. Another tooth is coming out and she wants her stupid elephant.”

The man wiped his hands on his sky blue shorts, to his wife’s horror, and reached for the babe, who suddenly calmed down in her father’s arms.

“It’s not fair,” she pouted tickling her adorable baby, then got on her toes to kiss her husband. “When will I get a son to love  _ me _ , because our girls sure have eyes only for you.”

“No boys allowed, mommy!”

Reyne looked at her eldest daughter and laughed. Kaydel was only five but so fiery.

“I’m sure you’ll change your mind when you’ll see him just like you changed your mind about having sisters.”

“Do you have anything to tell us?” her husband asked her while massaging her neck with one hand.

Smirking, Reyne looked at him and shrugged, then went to pick Rey off poor Juno. Though, there was nothing poor about the dog, given that it was already on its back, taking Rey’s struggles to get her dolly back as playtime and belly rubs. Unlike Juno, Saturn was patiently waiting under the table for everyone to sit down and drop some sausages.

“You little monkey!” she kissed Rey on the forehead. “Let’s wash your hands!” She picked her up and making aeroplane noises and feeling her heart full with each giggle, she took her to the tap and held her while the little girl took the soap and washed her hands. Once clean, the aeroplane noises and giggles came back all the way back to the table. She put her down and went to take baby Maggie, unless she wanted her husband to drop her on the barbecue.

“Granny, make me new dolly?” 

The elderly woman smiled and took off her glasses before putting her needles and thread back in her special box. The girls were not allowed to touch it, but just like the jewellery box, Kaydel and Rey were constantly rummaging through everything.

“After lunch and after my soap opera, ok, little monkey?”

Rey smiled and clapped joyfully, then looked at her baby sister and kissed her chubby cheek, making her giggle.

“Mommy I wa-want…”

“Mango pudding after lunch, love.”

“No, mommy,” she furrowed. “I wanna baby.”

The woman raised an eyebrow, looked at grandma Margarita, then back at her little girl and snorted.

“You want a baby doll or a baby brother?”

The girl shook her head, her pigtails drawing the attention of her sister, who immediately grabbed one. Rey leaned in to let her play with her hair without being necessary for her to painfully pull her hair.

“I wanna my baby when I grow big. No! I wanna  _ many  _ babies and I wanna bake cookies for babies to grow big and happy. I wanna biiig family!”

“Ok, but until then you’ll have to eat your veggies and stop stealing cupcakes.”

The girl gasped then hid her face in her mother’s skirt.

“Here comes our lunch! We’ve got sausages and grilled potatoes.”

Rey lifted her head and watched her grandma and daddy put food on plates for each one of them. After a whimper following an accidental kick from Maggie, she got up and reached for the mustard jar. She then looked at the salad bowl and at the empty seat next to her. She turned to look for Kaydel, but while the skipping rope was on the ground, there was no sign of her sister.

“Mommy,” she whimpered. “Where Kiki?”

Her mother looked at her with her eyes in tears and a sad smile. She caressed her head, then pointed at the girl waiting outside their green fence.

“Rey!” she called her. “Come with me!”

“Kiki!” she called her before turning to her father. “Where Kiki go?”

“Rey, let’s go!”

“You should go with her, monkey,” said her grandma, putting her glasses back on.

“Why? Where go?”

The panic in her voice was not truly reflecting how scared she was. She grabbed her mother’s hand and got up on the wooden bench. They all had those sad yet serene looks on their faces and were now glowing weirdly. Even Maggie was waving to her as if she were supposed to leave.

“Where go?” she insisted with tears already streaming down her freckled face.

“Rey!” called Kaydel again.

“We’ll miss you, monkey,” spoke her father, “but you shouldn’t be here. Not yet. You should go to Kiki. She’s so lonely now.”

“I wanna stay Kiki, but I wanna stay mommy, daddy, granny and Maggie too. Why go? Kiki come back.”

“One day, my love,” her mother kissed her. “But now go to Kiki and your babies.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced by the title is 'All the pretty lights' by Andrew Belle (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_qqIlcIqjw)


	40. You Found Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for the rather odd tone of this last chapter. Part of me was already drained and wanted to rush it and halfway through it, the other part of me was suddenly coming up with ideas for more chapters. Here I have 17/19 pages of the last chapter. I decided not to include the last two pages as I wasn't entirely satisfied with them and the story could do without them.

The lake was frozen on the surface, but not enough for the thin layer to sustain a body, not even the skinny body of his long lost love. She sure must have drowned that dreadful evening. Or at least that was the one and only official version. It had never satisfied anyone, not him, not Finn, not Rose, not Luke, but it was the only decent option, considering that one was establishing him as the jealous murderous husband and the other one was establishing Rey as a runaway cheater. Of course, he would have prefered a version based on some facts, some proof, but in the absence of anything to help them find out what happened to Rey, they all had to accept that hypothesis about her drowning.

“We should go now. It’s getting dark.”

Ben looked at his new wife as she hugged him, seeking his warmth for herself and for their unborn baby. He was getting used to this second chance at a family and a life in general, although every now and then he couldn’t help wondering how it would have been like had Rey not disappeared that night.

“Do you want to order something or should we go to a restaurant?” he asked before gently kissing her on the lips, then on her cold nose. 

“I’d love to go out for one last time before the baby comes and I’ll be stuck inside, changing diapers and trying to work from home, but my back is killing me and we have guests this evening.”

Ben furrowed and took another look at the lake. 

“Isn’t it unlike my uncle to announce us before a visit?”

“No, silly,” giggle Kaydel, caressing her swollen belly. “It’s the couple who’s buying our house. I’ve invited them to dinner.”

“And what are we supposed to serve them?”

“We have some cheese, grapes and chorizo and, of course, wine. It will be enough until the delivery guy will bring us some lasagna or whatever the baby might want.”

Ben pursed his lips and chuckled, remembering Rey and her fancy meals. Of course, Kaydel was more into her work and cared less about cooking. After all, they were different women with nothing in common. Rey couldn’t have done Kay’s work just as Kay couldn’t stand doing more than chop some vegetables for a salad.

“I can cook,” he suggested. “I’m quite decent.”

“I know, but I’d rather have you warm me-  _ us  _ up. Our son is so fussy when his mommy is cold.”

Ben nodded and hugged her back. He was smiling and he was slowly falling for Kaydel, but his eyes were still begging for the lake to bring Rey back. Though, five years after her disappearance and with Kaydel as his new wife and the baby on the way, what would Rey’s role be in his life?

“I went to your old cafe today,” mentioned Kaydel nonchalantly as she was trying to fix her seatbelt. “It’s being turned into a casino.”

Ben turned his nose up at the idea of having a tacky casino in the building where once his dad had his business and where Rey’s blooming business used to be. Rose Tico must have given up on it and sold the building. His dead wife’s legacy was slowly being demolished and people were going to forget about her. As if she had never existed. he knew that some point, he would be the only one remembering Han Solo, Leia Organa and his little Rey-Rey.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” he sighed paying attention to the road. “I’m just worried that our apartment won’t be ready by the time the baby comes.”

“I’m more pressed about the baby not having a name. I already got bored with anything on that list we made last month.”

He chuckled again. That list had at least 300 first names and middle names. He had suggested waiting for the baby to be born to just decide on the spot whichever name suited him best, but Kaydel was too much of a control freak to make any last-minute decisions. Well… at least when it came to anything that wasn’t food.

“I like James.”

When he started packing his belonging, he found some of his old books, including his childhood favourite and that name ended up sticking with him.

“You know? After  _ James and the Giant Peach _ ?” 

“After a character from a children’s book?”

“Well,” he shrugged, “you could pick the main character of your favourite book.”

That was a tricky remark. He just didn’t know her favourite book.

“Balram? He is a fascinating character, but no. And it’s nice to finally find out that you keep  _ The White Tiger _ on your nightstand only to impress me because it’s pretty clear you’ve never read it.”

She made a pause, considering her other favourite stories, then once again Ben’s suggestion.

“I just don’t like James,” she whined. “It’s too… common and boring.”

He said nothing and just parked on the alley. He helped Kaydel get out of the car and went inside. The furniture was still there, as they had agreed to sell it with the house, but it still felt empty with all those boxes lying around. He was going to take some of them to the donations centre. The future owners wanted to keep the appliances too, but they didn’t need Rey’s fancier ones she once used for her business. Nor did they need her clothes, shoes and everything else. He had considered keeping some of the jewellery for his daughter, but the baby ended up being a boy and Kaydel was pretty clear about her decision to have only one child, so even her earrings and necklaces were going to be donated. Nothing to be left behind to remind him of her.

“Hey, Kay…” he murmured before following her upstairs. “Do you think-If she were alive, she would have returned to at least get her things and divorce me? Right?”

“I guess,” she shrugged with a pitiful look on her face. “Why else would she give up on everything even when you decided to move on?”

Indeed. Why would she?

“The basement is huge. I guess we could split it in two and use half to store our belongings and half as maybe a playroom or move the living room there.”

“If you need an interiors designer, my husband could help you. It’s only a hobby, but he’s great. Right, love?”

Ben jumped startled and quickly nodded with a fake smile. He had been staring at the window the entire time, feeling watched and almost hearing the taps of fingers on the thick glass. In fact, he had that awkward feeling ever since returning from their trip to the lake. It was a ghost had followed them and was waiting for them to fall asleep or for a special invitation to get in.

“We would love to! Who else to know how to make this house even better than the former owner?”

The other couple was around their age and quite nice, but Ben wasn’t really in the mood for chit-chatting and play pretend. However, he somehow found their little daughter more interesting than them. The little girl had the most adorable chestnut curls and some dark ancient eyes. And she was equally bored.

“She so cute,” remarked Kaydel too. “How old is she?”

“She’ll turn five soon. We adopted her just three months ago and she’s still adapting, so she’s not very talkative.”

The little girl was drawing some flowers and pretending not to be paying any attention to the adults surrounding her. However, Ben knew that she was listening and understanding everything. She was just not comfortable, nor happy.

“What’s your name?” asked Ben once he kneeled in front of her.

The girl avoided his gaze and continued her drawing until she finally felt comfortable to open her mouth and speak.

“Anna Benjamin,” she mumbled, blushing.

“It’s  _ Anne-Marie _ ,” her new father corrected her. “Anne-Marie Moore.”

The little girl furrowed and pouted, then grabbed another sheet of paper and proceeded to draw a figure.

“What’s that?” Ben asked.

Anna Benjamin or Anne-Marie looked at him and blushed again. She parted her lips and took her time until she answered.

“It’s my mommy from the sky.”

“May I?”

The little girl shrugged and gave him her drawing. It was not bad for a five-year-old child. In fact, it was good enough for Ben to have a sense of deja-vu. That woman resembled someone. If only he could remember who… 

“Not to waste this opportunity, but why are you selling this beauty? This town is lovely and you have enough space to raise a family.”

“I’m a big city girl,” chuckled Kaydel. “Don’t get me wrong. I love this place too, but I am more used to the big city life and our jobs are there. It’s difficult for us to drive for so long and leave our son all alone or with a nanny for so much time, especially in his first years.”

“Haven’t you ever considered keeping it and renting it?”

Kaydel swallowed the saliva in her mouth and kept herself from rolling her eyes.

“My husband lived here with his ex-wife, so there’s too much history here. He doesn’t want me to feel like a replacement. Right, love?”

Ben blinked slowly and lifted his gaze to look at the window again. He could now see clearly the shape of a handprint. The handprint of a tiny and delicate hand, whose calluses and cuts were only visible once you got too close.

“Oh, so mister Solo is divorced?”

“Umm… yeah,” furrowed Kaydel. “Babe, the food is here.”

He blinked, finally hearing the doorbell ringing. He gave Anna back her drawing and got up, happy to escape the group at last. He grabbed his wallet and opened the door, ready to meet the youthful face of an adolescent relying more on tips rather than his salary. However, the face he was seeing was the one of an elder man - his uncle.

“I-I wasn’t expecting you,” he stuttered. He hadn’t told Luke about their plans to move out of that house and town.

“I know,” nodded Luke. “I’m here with some news. They’re not great, I’m afraid, though I’m not sure how you’ll feel about it.”

“What’s going on?” he rolled his eyes until he realised that Luke had only  _ one  _ reason to visit him. “Wait…”

“It’s Rey, Ben.”

His lips thinned in a firm line, feeling the pressure building up in his chest. He should have waited. He should have fought the urge to have someone to love him. He should have never slept with Kaydel that night and allow it to happen again and again. Maybe his love for her was not as great as the one he had always had for Rey, but now he couldn’t leave her and their baby and-

“I’m sorry, boy,” sighed Luke with sadness.

“Sorry?” he blinked confused.

“Someone bought Maz Kanata’s old house and found a hidden bunker underneath it. Rey had been chained up there and kept a prisoner for the past five years. Someone must have taken care of her as there were plates and medicine.”

Ben ran his fingers through his hair and looked back at Kaydel and their guests, then looked again at Luke. He was miserable, while he was just in shock.

“Wh-where is she now? Is she in the hospital?”

Luke shook his head and let out another sad sigh.

“No, boy. She’s… All they found were some clothes and her still chained up remains.”

He couldn’t understand what the old man was saying. If they had found proof that she’d been there with food and medicine, then what was he trying to say about those remains? Was she no longer there or-

“Ben, Rey has been dead for at least two years.”

***

“I’ve heard you’re my husband.”

He opened his eyes and almost jumped out of the bed, had it not been for a warm hand grabbing his arm. 

“Ben, I was joking!”

He took another deep breath, then turned to look at his lovely wife. Her hair was already dry and he could see on her face that she had rested well. Actually, it was what they had done before they fell asleep what gave her that smirk. Relieved that it had been nothing but a dream, he laid next to her and ran his fingers through her hair, feeling the bumpy area where she had her surgery many years before. It was her really her.

“I missed you,” he whispered.

“I’ve been here the whole time,” she laughed, then lifted her chin to point at the majestic flower bouquet. White tulips with lavender and lilac. Just like her wedding bouquet and flower crown. Perfect for their anniversary.

“Happy anniversary,” he finally found the strength to wish her. He had snuck out of the house to get her that large bouquet and then returned and fell asleep by her side long before she woke up. Too bad that nightmare had to ruin his mood.

“Happy anniversary,” she wished him back. “Congratulations on surviving twenty-six years by my side.”

She ignored the three years spent as a prisoner and the many months spent in an induced coma. She was no longer willing to waste any more time on grieving or pitying herself. As they were getting older, she had to enjoy every single moment.

“I love you, Rey-Rey,” he kissed her.

“And I love you the most, Ben-Ben.”

Because of her time recovering after the surgery, their twenty-fifth anniversary had to be reduced to some flowers, kisses and time spent watching home videos and looking at their photos. But one year later, Rey was just like before and so was their life together. They were happy and in love just like they once were on their wedding day.

“Any plans for today?” she purred, pressing her lips against his neck, just exactly where she knew he liked it most. “Because I could call in sick and spend the entire day in bed with you.”

“Well, too bad you’re telling me this now. We already have guests invited.”

“We could tell them that I’m unwell and postpone this party for another year or four.”

Rey’s hands were already analysing each muscle and scar on Ben’s back and her silky periwinkle night robe was revealing enough to seduce Ben. His fingers massaged her nape, then slowly slid down on her shoulder, pulling down the robe to reveal more skin he could kiss and taste.

“Mom! Dad!” barged in Holly with Oreo in her arms. “Alex won’t let me make dresses flower crowns for Blue and Mouse!”

Rey pulled back on her night robe and cleared her throat, trying not to laugh at her husband’s red face.

“What are you two doing?”

“I was trying to wake up your mommy,” smiled Ben as he got up and pinched Holly’s cheek. “Now what’s the problem with your cat dresses and flower crowns?”

“Alex says that they make the cats look stupid. He isn’t even playing with them, dad! He just locked them in James’ bedroom and won’t let me get them.”

“Well, go ask Jamie to help you and we’ll come downstairs to talk to Alex. Ok?”

“Fine!” she pouted and ran away with Oreo meowing in her arms.

Licking his lips, Ben turned to look at Rey and started unbuttoning his shirt.

“I’m going to take a shower.”

“Sounds lovely,” she grinned. “May I join you?”

“Yes, please.”

“Jaaames!” they heard Holly calling her older brother. They both giggled and Rey got up quickly and threw her night robe on the floor, before running into the bathroom.

“James!” cried Holly again until she found him in the kitchen. His leg was resting on a chair and he was sipping some tea while reading a book for school.

“What’s wrong, my bub?” he opened his arms for the girl to hug him.

“Alex locked himself in your bedroom and won’t let me get Blue and Mouse to make them dresses and flower crowns for mommy and daddy’s party.”

“Can’t you just make them for Honey and Oreo and when Alex gets out because he will get hungry soon, you simply take them and dress them up?”

The girl pursed her lips and shrugged. It sounded like a good plan, though she wasn’t completely satisfied with her twin not getting into trouble for upsetting her.

“Now can you please get me the croissants from the microwave?”

“What’s going on?” asked the girl as she carefully took the plate with one hand and took it to the table. “Mom and dad have a huge bouquet of flowers in their bedroom. Is Anna getting married?”

“Thank you,” he smiled. “And no. It’s our parents’ anniversary. Last year they didn’t organize anything and the years before mom was sick and you were too young to remember the other anniversaries.”

“Oh… Ok. Do you need anything else?”

James shook his head and watched little Holly drag Oreo after her, letting him return to his book. He took another sip and slightly moved his leg. He no longer had to use crutches but had to use a cane and he was going to limp for a long time. At least his new classmates weren’t teasing him about having to repeat ninth grade and being slightly disabled and his teachers were understanding when it came to him being a bit slower than the others.

“Hey, my peach,” he heard his mother come downstairs, wearing a floral dress. “Are the twins done with the bickering?”

“Unless we hear them throw those cats at each other, probably,” he said as Rey kissed him on the cheek and hugged him. “Ready for today?”

“Am I ever ready?”

Rey opened the fridge and grabbed a box of plum tomatoes and a ripe avocado.

“Want some?”

“Nah, I hate avocado.”

“Me too and I’d rather eat a huge burger with lots of jalapenos and the saltiest French fries, but I have to follow the doctor’s orders.”

“Someone said burgers?”

The tips of Ben’s hair were wet and curlier than usual. Overall, he looked great and he and Rey seemed to have become younger ever since almost everything had settled down. 

He poured himself and Rey some tea, then sat next to his son.

“Have we ever told you about our first official date during your mom’s amnesia?”

The boy shook his head and tore a croissant in two, biting the part with the largest amount of cherry jam. 

“We went to your aunt Kaydel’s birthday party,” began Rey while mashing the avocado. “I was the caterer and it was my first job as a returned from the dead amnesiac. Of course, back then we had no idea that we were sisters and she was secretly dating my kidnapper.”

James made an uncomfortable face and cringed, but let his mother continue.

“Anyway, after some terrible karaoke, everyone got drunk and my food ended up being used as darts, so we went to grab some burgers and we ate them on the train, on our way back home. Except we didn’t go home and stayed on the train until we reached our old town, where we first met, and went to the cinema. Everything was spontaneous and we pretty much realised that we still had chemistry.”

“That’s… actually nice.”

Rey took some toast from the bread basket and put the slices on a plate with some mashed avocado. Ben turned his nose up, but eventually took a bite.

“Those were the best burgers in my life. I would give almost anything to eat a burger and some fries.”

“Except your heart and my stomach won’t tolerate all that fat, carbs and processed food.”

“You know what’s worse than not being able to eat burgers, Jamie? Being married to a caterer and baker and not being allowed to eat her goodies anymore.”

“Actually, I think being a caterer and baker and not being able to eat almost any goodies is worse.”

The teen rolled his eyes at his parents' cheesiness and bickering, realising that his twin siblings were only inheriting them. But he couldn’t help not noticing how adorable they were even after all those years and after all the drama in their lives.

“Have you rescheduled your physical therapy session?”

“Yeah, I’ll go tomorrow earlier in the morning, before the place gets crowded with old people. My therapist said that in a month or so I should be able to do all the workout on my own and just go to the gym or do it here. I was about to ask you to help me with th-”

He stopped and looked at the ceiling. The twins had long passed the bickering stage and were already fighting.

“I’ll go,” offered Rey, storming upstairs.

“You were saying?” murmured Ben, paying more attention to whatever was going on above them.

“I looked up online some things that can help me with my therapy. I could use your help with setting up everything in my bedroom.”

“Of course!” Ben patted him on his shoulder. “But wouldn’t it be better if you went to the gym and met some people your age? You could use some friends.”

“I’m fine like this, dad,” he avoided his gaze. “I chat with my classmates and that’s enough for me so far.”

He wasn’t. It was just safer for him to isolate himself.

“Do you want to go to the farm tomorrow? We haven’t gone there in a long time. You could try riding.”

“Not sure about the riding part, but I could use a day at the farm. Maybe you can also take me to visit that town where you and mom used to live before moving here.”

“Of course. Maybe I’ll show you your grandma’s old place, if it hasn’t been demolished by now.”

“And mom and uncle Finn’s house too?”

Ben snorted with a bitter look on his face.

“Umm… that place no longer exists, but maybe the old pizza parlour where your mom and I met for the first time in years is still there.”

“That would do too.”

It was heartwarming to finally see Jamie open up. With each progress he made at a physical level, the more he shut himself in. According to his other therapist, his self-esteem was fine and there were no signs of long term trauma. His quietness was a trait typical of him and he was only more pensive as he was growing up and maturing. However, he wouldn’t risk seeing his boy depressed like Anna. Speaking of…

“Where’s Annie?”

“Out for a jog.”

“Alone?”

“As usual.”

And she had been ‘out for a jog’ for a while until she found herself in front of the cemetery and following the path until he reached the resting place of the one calling for her. It was perhaps solitude and the need to have someone of their bloodline finally pay a visit. 

“We’ve all abandoned you, haven’t we?” she murmured enjoying the breeze and the sound it made. “I guess I never got to say… thank you. Thank you for everything. My aunt kept trying to trace back the root of the evil in our lives, but I find it futile and unhealthy, so I tried to find the moment and person whom I should thank for what I’ve got so far. The person who isn’t my mom or dad, but you.”

“Isn’t it unlike you to do this?”

She would have normally jumped startled, but this time, she only smiled and turned to look at Elias. He was maybe two meters away from her, respecting her privacy, while still invading it a bit. She waved her hand, inviting him to sit by her side.

“He died right before my parents got me back. He helped dad find mom and me,” she explained with a serene look on her face, while Elias was rather uneasy.

“He died because of my uncle and my grandfather.”

Anna took her boyfriend’s hand and squeezed it, reminding him that there was no bad blood left at that point.

“I wish I had met him. He wasn’t a perfect man, but he was uncle Luke. Have I ever told you that I chose my brother’s middle name after him? He’s James Luke.”

“Oh, great,” chuckled Elias. “I must say that I was a bit worried about not naming our blueberry after him.”

He got up to take the sleeping baby from the stroller, then sat on the grass again. Anna gently pressed the tip of her finger on his nose and smiled. With each glance, she loved him more. After all, Adrian Benjamin Solo-Hux was an angel.

“How was he? I barely kept myself from calling you or driving to your place and I even cried a bit.”

“You had to study and you couldn’t have done it with him there,” laughed Elias, equally in love with his son. “He was a bit fussy and he wasn’t really into the bottle at first, but I managed to fool him. My family adores him, but he sure prefers his mom. And he also cried a bit and probably missed you.”

Anna smiled and leaned in to kiss her son’s chubby cheek, before seeking Elias’ lips. She had missed him so badly and as time passed, she was only realising how much she needed him in her life. They had made efforts to be together as much as possible, but they were not sufficient anymore. After Rey’s surgery, he eventually went back to his place and to the other hospital. They did keep in touch and once, after Rey’s and James’ many insistences, she even went to visit him for a whole week. Of course, his job required him to be mostly away, but they shared some lovely evenings together and they returned home to spend a couple more days together. He also did his best to be by her side during labour and during those first days with a newborn. The Solo house was quite overcrowded at that point, but everyone had been of so much help. The true difficult moments came each time he had to leave them and find himself all alone and far away from everyone. And his ex-fiancee sure didn’t make things easier and demanded an explanation for his mystery baby, making him once again realise that he had to transfer as he no longer belonged in that environment. However, the small hospital in their town didn’t need him permanently and had no place for him, so he had to choose the closest one, which was in the big city. He would waste a lot of time on the road, but at least he was going to be closer.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, tickling her son’s tiny palm until the boy grabbed her finger.

“I transferred. It’s going to be exhausting, but I want to be here with you two.”

“That’s great!” she couldn’t help her enthusiasm. “I’ll make some space for your things, but-”

“I’ll stay with my parents for a while,” he added, knowing that Anna would not be happy about this aspect. “I don’t want to bother your parents anymore.” 

“Well we won’t live with your parents,” she reminded him on a radical voice and he nodded, resigned.

“I already know. But in case you ever want to drop by… my mom already has a nursery for my sister’s kids.”

“Why? Is she suddenly visiting a lot?” she snorted.

Elias lowered his gaze so that he wouldn’t roll his eyes and make Anna more upset.

“She’s getting divorced and moving back here. And Pheobe is also moving back. And my half-brothers are going to live with us for a while.”

“Great! So your house is going to be full, too. And Adrian will grow and he’ll need his-”

“Can you relax?” he laughed a bit exasperated by her tendency of seeing only the glass half empty. “He’s still just a blueberry.”

Baby Adrian squirmed and that was the sign Anna had been waiting to get him back in her arms. Rocking him, she took her time to analyse his tiny face. He didn’t look like anyone so far or at least at a first glance. His hair was blonde and his eyes were ancient enough to be a Solo child, but otherwise, his face bared no similarities to anyone yet. He cooed and Anna’s face lightened up. She looked at Elias, seeking the confirmation that he too loved that bundle of joy.

“He’s fascinating, isn’t he?” he said putting his fingers on his bootie, feeling the shape of those tiny toes. “I never thought I’ll love someone this much.”

Anna bit her bottom lip. She had hoped that certain things would settle down, but with the baby growing inside her and eventually with his birth, she just let things go on their own way.

“Don’t you think that you could have done so much more had it not been for us? You could have been travelling and partying.”

“I can still travel and party if I want to,” he said nonchalantly, “and so could you. We could go to the beach in August and teach Adri to swim.”

“He’ll eat sand,” furrowed Anna, while imagining her first vacation in years.

“Well, he has to at some point,” he laughed, then went back to his previous idea. “We could also go out once I move here for good. And I don’t mean going out to buy diapers. I mean like a date.”

Anna blushed. Their relationship for the past year had been nothing but a late teen romance seasoned with co-parenting. Nothing too intimate.

“On Sunday?” she suggested with her cheeks still burning. “We could go for a walk like in the old days and then go to that restaurant where we can also watch indie movies and dance salsa.”

“I don’t know how to dance anything, but it sounds great. And next time you can ask me on a date without me having to suggest in the first place.”

“Don’t make me cancel it,” she rolled her eyes and clumsily got up. She kissed her son and put him back in his stroller, then looked once more at Luke’s resting place. He was for sure resting now that all the drama was on pause for the moment.

“Would you mind watching Adri while I’m helping with the party?”

“Of course! I want to spend as much time with him as I can. I adore his energy.”

Anna pushed the stroller and continued admiring her son. He was making the most adorable faces in his sleep and knew what each one of them meant. So she grabbed the grey lion plushie with red wool mane and put it close enough for him to reach it and hug it. Those toys of hers had been a success and had kept her busy while heavily pregnant and between online classes. The money was good too, especially given that anything Elias had tried to offer her directly went in the baby’s piggy bank on the windowsill… the piggy bank with the name Alice June on it, because she had hoped for a girl.

“Maybe you’ll still get a sister,” she found herself saying and quickly turned to look at Elias, who was giggling behind her. “What? I don’t want him to grow up lonely. I do have three siblings and many cousins and you have your sisters, the half-brothers I’ve never met and your cousins. And it’s not as if I want to carry a kicking boulder, have back pains, swollen feet and fingers, mood swings and the worst nausea ever and go through the excruciating experience of giving birth anytime soon.”

“Hey, I didn’t say anything,” he shrugged with a mischievous smile. The rose-shaped diamond ring in his pocket was waiting for the right time. It had actually been waiting for that right time since after he held Anna’s hand in that waiting room, before the scheduled abortion, only for her to squeeze it and ask him whether he would be by her side when the baby would be born. He then waited for her college admission, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, the baby’s birth, Adrian’s first month anniversary and her mother’s one year recovery anniversary. But she had made it clear that her sole focus was her mom, then the baby once he was born. Co-parenting and a mild romance were not really the basis of a healthy marriage. 

***

“This is amazing!”

The backyard was adorned with lights, garlands and flowers and in, the corner, by the swings, where the kids were supposed to play, there was a blanket for a picnic and two large knitted dolls illustrating Rey and Ben. On the table, there were already trays of tzatziki-stuffed cherry tomatoes, stuffed mushrooms, cheese crostini, bruschetti, shrimp tartlets and plenty of salads and dips. And those were only the appetizers!

Kaydel pointed at a table where her husband went to put the gift, while their daughters ran to their cousins.

“Welcome!” greeted her Rey with a lovely hug. “Thank you for coming.”

“I couldn’t have missed it,” she chuckled. “The music is great.”

“It’s our wedding playlist. Come, sit!”

Rey pulled Kaydel to the campfire, around which everyone was already seated. Ben was chatting with some friends from work and with Finn and Poe. On the bench next to Ben, James and Ernesto were laughing at something on their phones, ignoring everyone else. Next to the boys, Elias was snuggling baby Adrian and showing him to Madeleine and Esra, proving once more that the bad blood was left behind… mostly. Thing she couldn’t have said about her and Rose. They had barely spoken in the past year and the last text she got from her was pretty radical:

<<it’s not about loving me more… it’s about you choosing the comfort he is giving you and not wanting to press restart, so maybe we should end it here>>

She could never blame her for feeling like that - after all, Rose was right. When she had to decide which relationship to choose, it was no longer about the borrowed money or duty or her daughters’ comfort. After all those years, despite her greater love for Rose than for her husband, she couldn’t leave behind everything they had. She wasn’t unhappy with him anymore and things were pretty good, but she couldn’t help her feelings. She was still longing after Rose.

“Oh, this is Rose’s boyfriend,” said Rey pointing at the tall and skinny ginger-haired man. His eyes were an interesting shade of green and she could have sworn that she had seen him before. She followed his gaze, furrowing at his obvious interest in Maddie. She didn’t like the way he was analysing her. He was looking at Elias as well, but Elias wasn’t her very damaged and estranged child.

“Let me introduce you to my sister,” said Rey and the man turned to look at them. Now that they were facing each other, Kaydel was indeed feeling chills down her spine. She looked at Rose, who was pretty much ignoring her, then at the man’s hand. Reluctantly, she shook his hand and gulped.

“Kaydel.”

“Armand Hart. You might know me as Armie, Dahlia’s assistant.”

_ Oh! _ It made some sense. After all, Shay’s had been providing the food and desserts for Dahlia’s events for years and Maddie had been an intern and part-time model for almost six months now. Of course, none of those facts changed the unpleasant feeling she had in her chest and stomach, but at least she was more comfortable with his interest in Maddie. They probably knew each other already.

“You can sit next to Armie.”

_ Great _ .

“Umm… thanks, but I’m going to go help my niece.”

And so, Kaydel ignored her sister calling her name and stormed to the table where her husband was chatting with Anna.

“Everything ok, Kiki?”

“Yeah,” she nodded with a fake smile and grabbed a glass of sparkling wine. “I just met Rose’s new beau. You should meet him too, love. In fact, why don’t you sit next to him and I’ll sit next to you?”

The man narrowed his eyes and put his finger under her chin, lifting her head.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she shrugged. “I just feel uncomfortable around strangers. Long gone are the days when I used to throw parties with half of the guests being complete strangers.”

“If you say so,” he smiled and gently kissed her, not noticing Rose’s hurt gaze following each one of their moves.

Once he left to go meet Armand Hart, Kaydel sighed and looked at her niece.

“What?”

“He gives me a weird vibe, too.”

At least someone was on her side!

“Does anyone even know anything about him?” she asked putting her cup down and grabbing another one. “It’s not normal for me to be here and feel uncomfortable after not even five minutes.”

Anna shrugged and looked at the man’s smug smirk turning into a panicked look once her uncle went to introduce himself. He could crush that Armie guy with only one hand.

“Maddie said that he had been asking her about our family, but she didn’t pay much attention as she already knew that he’s interested in Rose. Esra doesn’t seem to like him either, but she’s cool with him as long as Rose is happy.”

Kaydel rolled her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.

“Do you think I made the right decision?” she whimpered.

“Are you happy?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you’ve got your answer.”

“Actually, the perfect scenario would have been having them both, but I’m only one and none of them would have been willing to share me. Anyway… how’s your love life?”

“Boring?” she murmured, afraid of being heard by Elias. “But he suggested going to the beach in August and I can’t wait, though I am anxious.”

“Oh,” the older woman smirked. “It was about time. Just make sure that blonde doughnut will still be an only child when you come back.”

“Kaydel!” she blushed. “I’m not having this conversation right now!”

“This conversation isn’t the only thing you’re not having right now.”

“Oh, my-” she dropped a glass, spilling the sparkling wine. “I-I can’t deal with this right now.”

Giggling, Kaydel watched her niece storm inside, then went back to her sister, who was now busy tickling her grandson, though the baby wasn’t that impressed with her attempts and, instead of smiling or laughing, he was only furrowing and looking for his dad.

“Isn’t it funny that I’m the older sister, yet you’re the one who’s a grandma already?”

“Hey, as long as I have the rest of my life to enjoy this little man, I’m totally fine with being a young grandma. If only he liked me! Elias, please tell me he doesn’t like Phasma more.”

Elias shrugged with an awkward smile.

“He doesn’t really like anyone who isn’t Anna. He barely likes me.”

“Just like his mom,” sighed Rey. “Speaking of… where is she?”

“She went inside and she actually asked me to tell Elias to go help her.”

“With what?” he asked, handing Rey the grey lion.

“With  _ stuff _ . Go!”

Without asking any more questions, he excused himself and left the group, ignoring the whispers and giggles. He was used to his mother, aunts and their friends, but he was still an outsider, despite his involvement in Mrs Solo’s recovery and his status as Anna’s baby daddy. 

“Yes.”

“What?” he blinked, looking at Anna sitting on the floor with his jacket in her lap. She opened her fist, revealing the ring he had been carrying for over a year.

“This isn’t… it’s not Hannah’s ring.”

“No,” he admitted with his mouth dry.

“Yes,” she repeated, but once he saw him not react, she tilted her head and a whimper escaped her. “I mean… aren’t you asking me to marry you? Is it for someone else.”

“Yes. I mean no. No... “ he ran his fingers through his hair. “What I mean is that it’s yours… it is for you.”

“Yes,” she repeated again.

“My plan was to ask you somewhere nicer and in a more intimate context, so technically I’m not asking you now, but these are my intentions with you.”

“Elias, I do,” she got up and rushed to him, grabbing his face between her palms and kissing him. “I do… but not now,” she whispered giving him back the ring.

“Ok?” he furrowed confused. 

“My priorities right now don’t include a wedding and my parents’ anniversary is not the right time and place, but when you’ll feel ready to officially ask me, I will always say yes. I need you to know that.”

“I know,” he nodded and kissed her back. “And I’m open to a long engagement as long as you’ll still want me.”

“I’ll always want you, silly! Even when I get cold feet.”

“Good to know, because you always get cold feet and run away, Anna Benjamin.”

“And you always find me.”

They shared another kiss before Anna dragged him after her, to the kitchen, to bring more glasses and focaccia.

“You know,” she smiled, “next week there’s going to be an outdoor cinema. Shay’s will have a vending truck and-”

“And you want me to help out and be one of the few full-time residents and part-time cashiers or do you need help with Adri?”

“Actually,” she ignored his ironies, “my mom got a few tickets and she suggested us taking them.”

“Anna Solo, are you suggesting going on two consecutive dates, while our son is barely a couple of months old?”

“Yeah, because anyone who could shame me will be annihilated by your mom. Can’t guarantee that I won’t cry or call to check on him every three minutes, but we could try. So? What do you think?”

“I won’t skip on this opportunity to be asked on a date by you without me suggesting it first.”

“Don’t make me change my mind.”

She leaned in for a kiss, but as he merely brushed his lips against hers, a bunch of giggling kids distracted them. She threw the dishtowel at the open window, hearing them laugh as they ran away.

“Let’s suppose that in the following weeks,” began Elias, carrying the tray with the glasses as Anna took the breadbaskets, “I might need some help with finding a place to live. Would you like to join me and help me choose something?”

“Something with at least two bedrooms and enough backyard for a swing and a kiddie pool?”

“See? You already know what I’m looking for.”

Anna put the baskets on the table, then took the tray from Elias. She looked at her parents, who were dancing while holding Adrian. It was just like when they used to dance when Jamie was a baby. Some things never change and they sure never did, nor did their love. 

“I know you don’t dance, but would you join me?” 

“You really want to go on our first date with a broken foot?”

“Just follow my lead,” she dragged him closer to the other couples. Well… not all of them were couples. Rose had offered to help Jamie, leaving her date to dance with Maddie. And Kaydel was more than uncomfortable with him in her presence.

“What do you think about my aunt’s date?” she uttered following Kaydel’s deathly gaze.

“He seems fine and he also seems to like Mrs Tico. However, he did ask me about my family and how we got together.”

“Did you tell him about the gun and the accidental pregnancy?” she snorted.

“No, but if he keeps looking at Maddie like that, your aunt and uncles will introduce him to uncle Luke’s gun. And he also made a weird comment about Adrian being our baby given our families’ history and about him and Maddie resembling. I don’t know, but I doubt she told anyone who her bio dad is.”

“And it’s unlike my aunt to tell strangers stuff about anyone in our family,” she furrowed. “Am I paranoid if I don’t want him around our son?”

“Perhaps he’s just trying to fit in and simply fails miserably? It took me a long time to adapt and I’m still not entirely comfortable myself,” he laughed and looked once more at the man before turning serious. It somehow felt as if he knew him for ages. “But maybe we should make sure Adri is either with us or your parents.” 

“Everyone!” announced Finn getting up and raising his cup. “Before my sister will surprise us with one of her delicious cakes, I’d like to make a toast. To my beloved sister, who still talks to even though I often no longer deserve it. Thank you, Rey, for everything you’ve done for me when we were just two orphans under our dear Maz’s roof.”

Anna put her hand on Elias’ thigh as he was rocking their son, then lifted her chin to point at Rose’s date. He didn’t seem to pay much attention, but there was something wild in his eyes. He almost seemed like trying to keep in a feral animal.

“-and Ben,” continued Finn, “we didn’t have the best relationship, but you’re one hell of a guy and your love and dedication for my peanut have been nothing but an inspiration for me. You two encouraged me to take things further and I must admit that you are the reason why I am the father of two lovely, yet mischievous kids and why I’m married to the love of my life. I wish you nothing but the best and see you as healthy, successful and in love in another twenty-six years.”

The guests applauded Finn’s speech and James followed.

“I’m a little bit biased because you are my parents,” he smiled shyly, “but when I think about you two as just Ben and Rey, you are the epitome of soulmates. Your love transcends time and space. It’s your beginning and your end. It makes each one of us want to experience something like this, although it’s freaking terrifying and I’m not sure anyone else but you could survive everything you’ve gone through. So… to more years together, mom and dad!”

Rey blew a kiss to her son, visibly touched by his speech, then turned to kiss her husband as the next guest got up.

“As your first official supporter,” smiled Rose already in tears, “I can’t find the right words to express how happy I am to see you after so many years still so in love and happy. Watching your love grow and blossom made me realise that it’s one thing that can’t be taken for granted and that needs unconditional and selfless love from both partners. You two share one soul and you couldn’t live without one another, so all I can wish you is for more years together and to always put your love first.”

Kaydel rolled her eyes at Rose’s masked bitter words and got up, pretty much keeping her from adding anything else.

“Hi,” she smiled almost spilling the rest of her wine cup on her green romper. “Now… as you all know, I am Rey’s biological sister and also the person who hooked up with at least someone in each main couple.”

The guests laughed and even Ben blushed with an awkward smile on his face, remembering his nightmare from that morning.

“I… I came to meet these two in a quite uncomfortable situation. Rey and I, as well as our other dead sister, were separated after our parents’ death. It could all have been avoided, had our relatives been at least as half-decent we all are, but life made it so that we didn’t see each other for twenty years or so and eventually forgot that we once had a loving family… of course, excluding those who left us at the orphanage. And before we got to meet again, I met Ben, the sweetest, most wonderful, most talented and tallest friend a girl could have. I watched you suffer and put Rey and your love for her first for your entire life… with small exceptions, of course. And without continuing to overshare things we’d rather not talk about, all I have to say is… Rey, I’m sorry I kissed your husband that one time. He didn’t kiss me back and twenty-one years later is probably the right time for you to find out this. Love you, guys!”

“I guess no one can top this speech,” laughed Ben with his face all red as Rafael pulled Kaydel in his arms. He already knew every single detail of that old story, so he was as amused as everyone else, but he also knew that his wife was not fine when she was behaving like that.

“May I?”

He sensed her become even more tensed as the man sitting next to him got up.

“I’m rather a new addition to the group, so I don’t know everyone too well, but as an outsider, who has heard many stories about this couple, all I can do is congratulate Rey and Ben for always finding each other.”

“To Rey and Ben!”

No joining those touched by the short toast, Kaydel continued glaring at the man. Now that the other guests were getting braver and were arguing over who should speak next, she couldn’t hear what Armand and Rose were talking about. However, he did suddenly get up and left the group. She looked at the empty seat, then at the man going to his car. She had two options, but before deciding to sit next to Rose and to at least attempt to make her look at her, she found herself distracted by Maddie. She excused herself and ran after the girl, knowing exactly where she would be. And she was not wrong.

“Madeleine!”

“Yes?”

The young woman turned around, holding a large gift bag from Dahlia’s. Armand locked the car and approached Maddie, holding another large bag. For a moment, she felt like the biggest idiot, but when she saw that glimmer in his eyes, she couldn’t believe it. It was not confusion he was showing. It was smugness as if he had won something.

“Do you need something?” he smirked.

“Who the fuck are you?” she snarled.

But the man had no interest in giving her the answers she wanted and needed so badly.

“I introduced myself to you just a couple of hours ago.”

“You’re not who you’re saying.”

“Kay, are you ok?” Madeleine ran to her estranged mother and put her hand on her shoulder. “Do you want to go inside and get Elias to check up on you? Maybe this talk about your past with Rey and Ben triggered some bad memories. Or I can go inside for a few minutes and help with the cake if my presence is-”

“No. I’m fine.”

“Give me your bag, dearie,” he sighed, taking the gift bag from Maddie. “I’ll put these next to the other gifts, ok? Meanwhile, maybe your mom needs some water.”

“Thanks, Armie,” she nodded. “Kay, let’s go get you some water. Can you tell me how are you feeling right now?”

“Angry,” she murmured, though that was a panic attack what she was feeling. It was just like when she was in the hospital, all beaten up and with Madeleine growing inside her, despite the severe bleeding she had endured. But not the first hours, when she was still heartbroken and angry at Ben. The following hours, before he was released from jail - time during which she found out about the lie and that she had been sleeping with a man she didn’t really know, bearing the face of the one she thought she loved and now carrying the baby of that stranger who had almost killed her. Time during which she felt as if her soul was dying and her brain was burning.

“I think you’re right,” she whimpered, then she shook her head and gently slapped her cheeks. “The memories, the alcohol and having that stranger with Rose… I’m such an idiot. At least I didn’t ruin the party.”

“Leave that to my dads and their idea of entertainment.”

“Anyway,” she heard her husband talk as they approached the group, “Kiki and I have prepared a surprise for you. You’ve gone some through rough moments, so we decided to invite you on a vacation with us. Our twins and yours will be away, enjoying their first camp experience, Jamie will join Ernie, Finn and Poe on their trip to Rome, whereas our other kids are old enough to take care of themselves. So we’ll be away for two weeks, far away from work and crowded cities… just two middle-aged couples pretending to be young again.

“Thank you!” smiled Rey, but her smile quickly turned into a pained grimace. She quickly turned to look at Rose’s date pass behind her chair and exhaled loudly. For a moment, she felt as if she were in danger or once again locked away. But she was fine and after everything she had gone through, nothing could harm her anymore. Her priority was her family.

“Umm… yeah. As I was saying, thank you for making this evening so special. After these speeches, I am now almost sure you didn’t come just for the food. I really don’t know what to say except thank you for your love and care, for helping us and for taking so much care of my family and I. Things were never perfect and I must disappoint you by telling you that Ben and I didn’t invent the concept of love, but I’m more than glad for what we have and for where we are now. We’ve lost so much… our parents, family members who deserved so much more and to whom we owe everything… time. We lost so much time, but at the end of the day, we’re still together, we still love each other and we have four amazing kids and now even a grandchild, which I couldn’t say about the rest of you. So despite the fact that I would have gladly skipped over the many losses and death and… kidnappings and cancers, I am thankful for now.”

“I-” began Ben finally finding the courage to speak, “I remember that after I lost my dad, I was in such a dark place that I never thought my life was worth living anymore. For years, I was driven only by my sense of guilt towards my mother, but it all changed when Poe here and Finn introduced me to the grown-up version of a little girl who once promised me some delicious brownies with slices of peach on top. Ever since Rey came into my life, my life turned into a bigger disaster, but a more tolerable one. However, with each disaster, more wonderful things also came into my life. I have the most reliable friends - Rose, who has been taking care of us for ages, Kay, who is the sister I never had, Poe, the best nursery decorator and Finn, who should consider opening a PR firm when he gets tired of travelling. I have the best employees without whom I wouldn’t have fulfilled my dream. I have four wonderful kids, who constantly remind me that life is a gift and that they are the legacy of those whom I’ve lost. Thank you, Annie, for being my heart and for making me a grandfather in my early fifties and for falling for someone who saved the love of my life and who is not like me, except for his severe anxiety. Thank you, James, for your wisdom and for keeping us together. Thank you, Alexander and Holly, for keeping me young and alive. And thank you, Rey, for finding me that day at the hotel and for giving my life a reason. I love you the most!”

“No, Ben. I’m thankful that you found me and never let me go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title song: The Fray - You Found Me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFg_8u87zT0)


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